i know i know i've blogged a lot

in the last few days, guess it's my way of being able to work through some of my thoughts and feelings...

hope is an interesting concept...so i've been thinking a bit about it in the last few months, no more so than in the last few weeks, where at times, i have felt like my hopes for my future happiness have been hard to muster...

so what I am noticing now is that i have many hopes and that they are somewhat inter-related...what i'm also wondering is if some of my hopes are actually driven by my fears...of course as a therapist i can attest to the fact that this is probably typical given what i've been through in recent times....still, i don't like it!

so the single biggest hope for the last period of time has been that my relationship with ben would work and that we would be able to work things out so that we could spend our lives together - and i'm wondering if the sadness i am experiencing today is in fact my grieving for that hope - for so long i held onto it and tried my hardest to make it so...but the reality is, i'm going to have to let go of that hope, as it's just unlikely to ever be :-(

so how do we let go of hopes - do we ritualise them (maybe write the hope on a card, put it in something and burn it - safely of course)? does that make it more real - i'm just thinking that in some ways the ending of our relationship and the hopes i had for that relationship are now 'dead' and as such need to be ritualised with a 'funeral'??

i don't know - i'm thinking as i'm typing so some of this won't make a whole lot of sense...

so i'm not really sure - what i know is that today i am just sad and feeling flat - i don't feel hopeful even though there are many things in my life to be thankful for....