i feel really sad and the intensity of my loneliness has increased...
so i'm trying to just sit with it and be present to it - i'm tempted to go watch some crap tv or 'do' something, but perhaps i just need to be with this loneliness and see where it takes me...
it's ironic (to me at lesat) that having now found the voice that for so long wasn't heard (and i mean in most of my life not just in my relationship with ben) i now have no-one to talk to :-(
i'm just so sad - i feel today like the sadness that had been starting to lift has re-emerged...and i wonder why that might be...
of course talking to ben earlier in the week may have set that off, or perhaps it's that i am starting to really believe that it is over (of course on some level i knew this when it all happened) but i wonder if my mind has been 'pretending' that whilst it was over on most levels, on one level perhaps there was hope - i'm not sure - maybe i'm sad because the hope is now really slipping away too...
i don't know - what i know is i'm sad today and i'm hurting and i'm lonely :-(
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