today has been just the worst day emotionally for me - not sure why - but i said to a friend lastnight (who remarked how well i was doing) that i expected a crash at some point - perhaps today is it...
i just feel sad and bereft all over again - it had started to shift - just slightly - but i noticed that i was feeling a wee bit less sad as each day dawned - this is not to say i am happy - far from it, but the cloud seemed to be lifting...
perhaps my mood is simply mirroring the weather, perhaps it's because ben texted me re the storage stuff so i now know he is moving into share accomodation, which i don't think he will like, and with people he doesn't know and it simply breaks my heart...
the thought that he's out there all on his own saddens me and i get (intellectually) that i'm not responsible for his happiness, and i guess one of the reasons i took so long in making my decision, is that i did feel that i wanted to create a happy environment for him...
so i'm sad - i've spent the day with 2 of my dearest friends - but the very minute i walked through my door i broke down - and this is not because these friends are the sort of friends i can't cry in front of or be myself in front of - but i guess it's just hard every time i come through the door, which for over 19 months was the home ben and i shared...
it's fucking hard and i hate where i am at right now - i hate that i just feel as though a part of my anatomy is missing, i hate that i can't sleep without sleeping tablets, i hate that yet again i feel all alone in the world...and i hate thinking that ben is out there all on his own too...
please universe if you are listening - ease my pain...thank you x
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