and the anger continues, but as it

wears off it is replaced with that sadness...

i'm a bit over feeling sad and although i am doing WAY better than I was 3 weeks ago and much better than i thought i would be doing, the waves of sadness still wash over me and feel like they are never going to end...

i guess this is grieving - i have actually allowed myself to surrender to whatever emotions come up rather than pretending that i was ok when i wasn't - i have found it easier this time to surrender and to simply go with the flow - perhaps that's a bit of the work i've been doing over the last few years - and perhaps it's an acceptance that things will work out for the best - they always do - even though there are moments right now (and since it all happened) that i doubt that...

for the first time in my life i have been able to experience my emotions without having to hide them - and that is a huge plus - i think in many ways it is one of the reasons that i'm finding each day a wee bit easier than the last...

don't get me wrong - there are still many aspects of my relationship with ben that i miss and every now and again when i'm feeling really low i wonder if i made the right decision and if being together would be better than this...

interesting though is that all through the phone call with him the other night i kept wondering (but didn't ask, god damn it - and wish i had) if he was thinking that he would have preferred us to be together (as it was) rather than be apart - i guess i am the one who felt i needed and wanted more in the relationship and i read (perhaps incorrectly) his comments about him making an effort and caring about me as him saying he was happy?

it's funny coz I never really sensed that he was happy and i mean truly happy - i didn't think he was unhappy and certainly he didn't seem to get why i was unhappy...but i wonder if he was truly happy?

anyway, i guess it's all a bit immaterial now as to whether he was happy or not, or wanted to stay or not...

sad thing is that even though we did care about each other and at one time love each other in that truly madly deeply way, in the end i just didn't feel we had what it took to be together forever, and that makes me sad on another level :-(

i'm sad that we are both hurting and trying to adjust to a life without each other, i'm sad that we couldn't make it work and i'm sad that no matter what i say he just doesn't seem to get what i was on about...

i hope that at some point this sadness is replaced with a much nicer emotion...for both of us

ok, couch is calling!