i feel as though i'm in a holding pattern - waiting for something....
am proud of myself though - did manage to go do the food shopping - admittedly i did not go to the woollies that ben and i used to frequent...couldn't muster up that sort of courage, and even in coles at chatswood, where i ended up going, i almost had a teary at one point...seems bizarre to me that even food shopping is (right now at least) a trigger for my sadness and everything i have given up...
given up: interesting concept - what exactly have i given up? well this blog is too public for me to go into that here but it's a good question and one i will have to ponder on...
sooo it seems as though the journey to becoming happy again is gonna take a while and whilst there will be good days, there will also be not so good days and ones where i do just need to sit with how i'm feeling so that i can experience (rather than deny) it...
thankfully a good friend is coming over shortly - so we'll have tea and a chat and then we are going to a movie...
still, it is just so hard sometimes...and one thing i do know (which i wasn't convinced of before ben) is that i would like (when i'm ready) to meet someone, fall in love and share my life with them...
guess it's good to know that :-)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
the universe is being very generous
to me right now - despite my feelings of emptiness and sadness (that are waning but not yet gone...) - there is a fabulous amount for me to be grateful for and i had a couple of really great things happen during the week - so it would be remiss of me to only write about my sadness when in fact, i have been a lot happier for most of the past week!
sooo i spent thursday with a fellow coach - i met her in melbourne - she lives not to far from me and we spent thursday talking about how we can help each other, getting to know each other, our experiences of some people we know in common etc...it was great! she gave me some great ideas and has kindly offered to introduce me to some people that might prove to be good leads for my business - i gave her some ideas and also offered to introduce her to some people - a great exchange and a lovely support network! but she gave me some advice about when i do work for people and essentially she told me how important it was (if possible) to get written testimonials....
so i asked for a written testimonial for a session i did in late january for an IT company - and it's fantastic - firstly i wasn't sure how comfortable they would be in writing one (some people aren't) and secondly i wasn't sure they would let me use their company name and the name of the customer there on my website, but they will! so very excited as i now have 2 very recent testimonials to load onto the website...not to mention the feedback itself is very positive :-)
then i had coffee with a former colleague - we've been trying since oct/nov to catch up and i kept postponing...anyway we met this week and he would like me to partner with him - meaning that when he gets clients who want to work with him, there is an aspect of what he wants to do that is coaching, and he asked me if i would be happy to do that part!!! of course i will - how exciting and how lovely to be approached....
my first client (who i saw friday) is re-signing for another 6 or 8 sessions - which is great! i am seeing such positive change in him (so is he and so is his wife!) and i am thrilled to be able to support him as he continues on his journey...
so despite the odd moments of sadness and loneliness and at times a sense of feeling rudderless and without purpose, my purpose really is very clear to me and i am really grateful that my work is something i love and really want to be doing...
sooo i spent thursday with a fellow coach - i met her in melbourne - she lives not to far from me and we spent thursday talking about how we can help each other, getting to know each other, our experiences of some people we know in common etc...it was great! she gave me some great ideas and has kindly offered to introduce me to some people that might prove to be good leads for my business - i gave her some ideas and also offered to introduce her to some people - a great exchange and a lovely support network! but she gave me some advice about when i do work for people and essentially she told me how important it was (if possible) to get written testimonials....
so i asked for a written testimonial for a session i did in late january for an IT company - and it's fantastic - firstly i wasn't sure how comfortable they would be in writing one (some people aren't) and secondly i wasn't sure they would let me use their company name and the name of the customer there on my website, but they will! so very excited as i now have 2 very recent testimonials to load onto the website...not to mention the feedback itself is very positive :-)
then i had coffee with a former colleague - we've been trying since oct/nov to catch up and i kept postponing...anyway we met this week and he would like me to partner with him - meaning that when he gets clients who want to work with him, there is an aspect of what he wants to do that is coaching, and he asked me if i would be happy to do that part!!! of course i will - how exciting and how lovely to be approached....
my first client (who i saw friday) is re-signing for another 6 or 8 sessions - which is great! i am seeing such positive change in him (so is he and so is his wife!) and i am thrilled to be able to support him as he continues on his journey...
so despite the odd moments of sadness and loneliness and at times a sense of feeling rudderless and without purpose, my purpose really is very clear to me and i am really grateful that my work is something i love and really want to be doing...
Saturday, February 27, 2010
and now i'm feeling a bit sad...
i guess pmt will be contributing, i guess the fact that i just watched the susan boyle story will be contributing (all that talk of dreams do come true no matter how old you are etc etc), and of course even though i am getting on with my life and enjoying my work and loving hanging out with my wonderful friends more, there is still the cold hard reality that i am no longer 'in a relationship'...
and sure there was stuff that didn't work and stuff that didn't make me happy and we clearly didn't want the same things - but that doesn't mean we didn't love each other or that now, going our separate ways, we aren't sad...and me, i am sad...not always and it gets better each day, but right now, i'm sad...and whilst my head knows that what i decided was best for me, right now it would be nice to walk into the study and know that he was there....
so i'm going to stay with how i feel (this is one lesson i have learned!) and just acknowledging that i am sad in itself will help...
sadder too that there is no bloody chocolate (or any decent food for that matter) in the cupboard!
methinks it's time to overcome another thing i don't want to do on my own and go shopping...see it's been nearly 5 weeks and as yet i have not ventured out to the woollies we used to go to and done a 'big shop'...i've gotten by on mum's cooking (thanks mum) and just buying things on an as needs basis, which i'm not sure is economically a sound idea!
soooo tomorrow might be the day when i bite the bullet, take the plunge, whatever euphemism you wanna use, and go shopping...
guess the upside to going shopping is that i can, if i want, buy chocolate!
and sure there was stuff that didn't work and stuff that didn't make me happy and we clearly didn't want the same things - but that doesn't mean we didn't love each other or that now, going our separate ways, we aren't sad...and me, i am sad...not always and it gets better each day, but right now, i'm sad...and whilst my head knows that what i decided was best for me, right now it would be nice to walk into the study and know that he was there....
so i'm going to stay with how i feel (this is one lesson i have learned!) and just acknowledging that i am sad in itself will help...
sadder too that there is no bloody chocolate (or any decent food for that matter) in the cupboard!
methinks it's time to overcome another thing i don't want to do on my own and go shopping...see it's been nearly 5 weeks and as yet i have not ventured out to the woollies we used to go to and done a 'big shop'...i've gotten by on mum's cooking (thanks mum) and just buying things on an as needs basis, which i'm not sure is economically a sound idea!
soooo tomorrow might be the day when i bite the bullet, take the plunge, whatever euphemism you wanna use, and go shopping...
guess the upside to going shopping is that i can, if i want, buy chocolate!
i've just splashed out...
and bought myself a chandelier...
soooo since i watched Trois Coleurs Bleu some years go i have been looking for a blue crystal light installation - i've never found exactly what i want but at rozelle markets today with my friend sarah i found a beautiful crystal chandelier - for a song! always thought i would spend time scouring the flea markets of paris one day in the hope of finding one just like it, but perhaps i'm meant to have the one i stumbled across today!
soooooo i bought it from this lovely old guy who gave me instructions on how to clean it easily, which bulbs give it the best light etc...
so i'm hoping to get it installed this week...
photo to follow!
soooo since i watched Trois Coleurs Bleu some years go i have been looking for a blue crystal light installation - i've never found exactly what i want but at rozelle markets today with my friend sarah i found a beautiful crystal chandelier - for a song! always thought i would spend time scouring the flea markets of paris one day in the hope of finding one just like it, but perhaps i'm meant to have the one i stumbled across today!
soooooo i bought it from this lovely old guy who gave me instructions on how to clean it easily, which bulbs give it the best light etc...
so i'm hoping to get it installed this week...
photo to follow!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
very soon...
perhaps even now, there will be nothing left for ben and i to say to each other...
truth is, it's probably for the best, but it's an outcome to me that feels really final and such a shame that nearly 2 years together comes to that...
guess this is one of the things that every couple that have broken up go through - at what point does a new routine take over from the old ones? at what point do you no longer miss them? at what point do you start to forget about the stuff you did together or at least get to a point where the memory of it isn't so painful?
and for me the hardest part is thinking that we'll never talk again and that now, we don't mean anything to each other really....closure or endings have never been my strong suit and i wonder if a small part of me (and it is only small) is just clinging onto the last few things we have to say to each other as if they really mean something, when truth is they mean nothing...
honestly, the last few months of our time together wasn't that great - i knew something was up, i didn't feel special or appreciated or cherished or loved but still i worked to make it work....so really i was grieving for months before we broke up - grieving for the relationship i so desperately wanted but became more and more aware that it wouldn't happen with ben :-(
sooooo i think the time to say our goodbyes is drawing near - i think that as much as it pains me to say this and to think of the consequences, perhaps it's the only thing to do?
truth is, it's probably for the best, but it's an outcome to me that feels really final and such a shame that nearly 2 years together comes to that...
guess this is one of the things that every couple that have broken up go through - at what point does a new routine take over from the old ones? at what point do you no longer miss them? at what point do you start to forget about the stuff you did together or at least get to a point where the memory of it isn't so painful?
and for me the hardest part is thinking that we'll never talk again and that now, we don't mean anything to each other really....closure or endings have never been my strong suit and i wonder if a small part of me (and it is only small) is just clinging onto the last few things we have to say to each other as if they really mean something, when truth is they mean nothing...
honestly, the last few months of our time together wasn't that great - i knew something was up, i didn't feel special or appreciated or cherished or loved but still i worked to make it work....so really i was grieving for months before we broke up - grieving for the relationship i so desperately wanted but became more and more aware that it wouldn't happen with ben :-(
sooooo i think the time to say our goodbyes is drawing near - i think that as much as it pains me to say this and to think of the consequences, perhaps it's the only thing to do?
i have really missed
a good nights sleep - seems for months it eluded me and i am finally starting to get back into a sleeping pattern...i woke up this morning feeling quite refreshed (not perfectly, as i am battling a sinus infection) which is something i haven't done for a while!
i woke up this morning and the sun was shining through my bedroom windows (gotta love the east facing bedroom) and the temperature felt just right - i do love this time of year, when summer looks like it's starting to leave only to be replaced with the crispness and vibrant hues of autumn...
i think autumn really is my favourite season!
i woke up this morning and the sun was shining through my bedroom windows (gotta love the east facing bedroom) and the temperature felt just right - i do love this time of year, when summer looks like it's starting to leave only to be replaced with the crispness and vibrant hues of autumn...
i think autumn really is my favourite season!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
i really am very fortunate...
i just got off the phone with a client (who's also a former work mate)...see i ran into him today when visiting another friend and he just called to see how i was getting on...
so i told him i hadn't had the greatest day and it was all coz my IT went pearshaped this morning and he said 'you can ring me hon'...of course he also said that i might have to wait but 'your call is important to us and you are in the queue'...which made me laugh!
so even though there are times when i do feel really alone and wish i had someone special in my life, i realise that many many people care about me and think i'm wonderful and i just have to remember that...
what would also be good is if I remember that!!
so in that vain i bought myself a new necklace today - it's a star....perhaps a little reminder to me of just how far i've come and how much i've achieved and how much i do make a difference in the lives of people i love and work with....
so i told him i hadn't had the greatest day and it was all coz my IT went pearshaped this morning and he said 'you can ring me hon'...of course he also said that i might have to wait but 'your call is important to us and you are in the queue'...which made me laugh!
so even though there are times when i do feel really alone and wish i had someone special in my life, i realise that many many people care about me and think i'm wonderful and i just have to remember that...
what would also be good is if I remember that!!
so in that vain i bought myself a new necklace today - it's a star....perhaps a little reminder to me of just how far i've come and how much i've achieved and how much i do make a difference in the lives of people i love and work with....
did i mention the sage incense??
i guess not...well last week i went for a tarot card reading - i booked it the week ben and i broke up as i felt like i needed something - a sign or some re-assurance or something - anyway, that's really irrelevant...
so when i was there the woman (amazing lady - really like her) suggested burning some sage incense, which is apparently GREAT for cleansing and clearing out energy....so of course for someone trying to reclaim their home as their own following a sad relationship breakdown, sounds like a great idea...
so i went to my local $2 shop - and i know i'm probably meant to spend $50 on some bloody 'genuine' sage incense, but i wasn't sure if i'd like it...
well i do! actually i love it and have taken to burning it almost every day - it is calming and lovely and just makes the study feel like my own room again...so much so i am considering seeing one or two clients here....
so whilst buying the sage incense i also picked up some sandalwood incense - coz i love the smell of sandalwood and guess what? i love that too..
so there is one particular old friend who would laugh if she read this coz i would complain if i went to her house and she was burning incense - guess i wasn't the person i am now back then...
so, i love the incense and next time i go back to the $2 shop i'll be seeing what other scents they have, although i think the sage is a winner!
so when i was there the woman (amazing lady - really like her) suggested burning some sage incense, which is apparently GREAT for cleansing and clearing out energy....so of course for someone trying to reclaim their home as their own following a sad relationship breakdown, sounds like a great idea...
so i went to my local $2 shop - and i know i'm probably meant to spend $50 on some bloody 'genuine' sage incense, but i wasn't sure if i'd like it...
well i do! actually i love it and have taken to burning it almost every day - it is calming and lovely and just makes the study feel like my own room again...so much so i am considering seeing one or two clients here....
so whilst buying the sage incense i also picked up some sandalwood incense - coz i love the smell of sandalwood and guess what? i love that too..
so there is one particular old friend who would laugh if she read this coz i would complain if i went to her house and she was burning incense - guess i wasn't the person i am now back then...
so, i love the incense and next time i go back to the $2 shop i'll be seeing what other scents they have, although i think the sage is a winner!
one step forward, and one back?
that's kinda how i feel today - i've had a shocker - and i don't mean the sort of shocker i had earlier on, but i've been flat, felt a bit listless (no doubt the soreness in my sinuses and the headache isn't helping) and even though i made myself get out and have lunch with my friend Phill and go to a meeting, i am still sad...
also i realised today that when my computer doesn't work (or anything IT related actually) i really miss Ben - and so of course it occurs to me that it is a very big and real trigger for my feelings....
guess it's good that i have recognised that for what it is? problem is fixed methinks (managed to get something changed that's been bugging me for months...) but i guess my reaction when things aren't perfect is to turn around and say 'hey benny, can you look at this for me'....and he's not here :-( which just makes me feel sad all over again....
also something else today made me feel really sad - like i'm the only person i know who doesn't have a partner (this is actually NOT true), like i'm the only person i know who's not gonna meet anyone (don't have any evidence that's true either...bar my negative attitude today) - see got an email from someone i used to work with telling me she was pregnant - i didn't even know she'd met someone....
so sure i'm having a bad day - sure i'm taking everything way too personally and probably out of context, and sure it's likely to get better, but something i have learned in the last 4 weeks is that pretending i'm ok when i'm not, is not actually ok...
my little self pity aside some good things did happen today....i met up with a lady about a course i want to do and she was really helpful (turns out she got engaged and broke up on valentines day...i hope she'll be ok), turns out next door to my meeting with her was the recently opened new adyar bookshop - so i went in and as i was thinking i should call the tarot reader from the other day to ask her the name of the author, imagine my surprise when she is sitting right in front of me!!! the universe really does work in myterious ways....
sooo it's not all bad, i'm just sad - a quiet night in, perhaps some comfort food and i'm hoping i'll feel better tomorrow...
did i mention that i just had a pedicure and my feet look lovely!
also i realised today that when my computer doesn't work (or anything IT related actually) i really miss Ben - and so of course it occurs to me that it is a very big and real trigger for my feelings....
guess it's good that i have recognised that for what it is? problem is fixed methinks (managed to get something changed that's been bugging me for months...) but i guess my reaction when things aren't perfect is to turn around and say 'hey benny, can you look at this for me'....and he's not here :-( which just makes me feel sad all over again....
also something else today made me feel really sad - like i'm the only person i know who doesn't have a partner (this is actually NOT true), like i'm the only person i know who's not gonna meet anyone (don't have any evidence that's true either...bar my negative attitude today) - see got an email from someone i used to work with telling me she was pregnant - i didn't even know she'd met someone....
so sure i'm having a bad day - sure i'm taking everything way too personally and probably out of context, and sure it's likely to get better, but something i have learned in the last 4 weeks is that pretending i'm ok when i'm not, is not actually ok...
my little self pity aside some good things did happen today....i met up with a lady about a course i want to do and she was really helpful (turns out she got engaged and broke up on valentines day...i hope she'll be ok), turns out next door to my meeting with her was the recently opened new adyar bookshop - so i went in and as i was thinking i should call the tarot reader from the other day to ask her the name of the author, imagine my surprise when she is sitting right in front of me!!! the universe really does work in myterious ways....
sooo it's not all bad, i'm just sad - a quiet night in, perhaps some comfort food and i'm hoping i'll feel better tomorrow...
did i mention that i just had a pedicure and my feet look lovely!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
four weeks on...
and i'm doing ok! sure there are some sad moments, there are some times of day that are still hard (although they are getting easier) and there are some things that ben and i shared that i will miss for a long time to come...
but i am doing the things i want to do and if i'm honest, things that i have wanted to do but put on hold, for a long time...(read as my fault, not blaming him)...
so monday nights are now dedicated to a 2 hour meditation class - lastnight was my first one and i loved it! the teacher was amazing - so calm and such a lovely voice and some very funny and down to earth ways of teaching buddhism!
so now have monday nights sorted, just need to sort out the other nights! no seriously, i'm not going to fill up all of my available time - as the weeks have passed i have come (slowly, and i'm not all the way there yet) to enjoy my own time/company again...
my study looks amazing - new filing cabinet (i put it together myself and now have a cut on my right hand which stings like buggery), moved the chinese cabinet to another space and it now proudly hosts a zen sand tray/garden from my lovely friend pissoir...
see her and I hadn't talked for ages, she missed my birthday and it had been over 3 weeks since ben and I split and i still hadn't heard from her, so i dropped her an email and we ended up talking for over an hour last week - nice to re-connect with her and when i was telling her i'd been looking for a zen sand garden she was obviously listening, coz my buzzer went this morning and i wasn't expecting a package, so imagine my surprise when a massive envelope turns up...
thank you pissoir - it's a fantastic gift, and like your friendship, means a lot to me :-)
also did a coaching session by phone today - my first one - and it went well! used some part of the GROW model and had a great session...
got some amazing feedback today from the wife of one of my clients - he also sent me a testimonial which will shortly appear on the website...it's so nice to get positive feedback about the work i am doing...this is one of the reasons why i love what i do right now, and as i said to her 'i really believe this is what i was put on the earth to do' - she agreed and said that she wanted to make sure i knew i was making a difference....thank you!
so things are starting to turn - i'm looking forward to this friday night - theatre with some girlfriends, catching up with friends on the weekend, a busy rest of the week and then next weekend some time in canberra with my folks...
with each day i find things easier and find that i spend more time happy than sad....
i am very fortunate as i have MANY amazingly supportive friends - without them and my folks, i don't quite know how i would have gotten thru this time....so to each of you, my friends, and my mum and dad, a big and heartfelt thank you...
but i am doing the things i want to do and if i'm honest, things that i have wanted to do but put on hold, for a long time...(read as my fault, not blaming him)...
so monday nights are now dedicated to a 2 hour meditation class - lastnight was my first one and i loved it! the teacher was amazing - so calm and such a lovely voice and some very funny and down to earth ways of teaching buddhism!
so now have monday nights sorted, just need to sort out the other nights! no seriously, i'm not going to fill up all of my available time - as the weeks have passed i have come (slowly, and i'm not all the way there yet) to enjoy my own time/company again...
my study looks amazing - new filing cabinet (i put it together myself and now have a cut on my right hand which stings like buggery), moved the chinese cabinet to another space and it now proudly hosts a zen sand tray/garden from my lovely friend pissoir...
see her and I hadn't talked for ages, she missed my birthday and it had been over 3 weeks since ben and I split and i still hadn't heard from her, so i dropped her an email and we ended up talking for over an hour last week - nice to re-connect with her and when i was telling her i'd been looking for a zen sand garden she was obviously listening, coz my buzzer went this morning and i wasn't expecting a package, so imagine my surprise when a massive envelope turns up...
thank you pissoir - it's a fantastic gift, and like your friendship, means a lot to me :-)
also did a coaching session by phone today - my first one - and it went well! used some part of the GROW model and had a great session...
got some amazing feedback today from the wife of one of my clients - he also sent me a testimonial which will shortly appear on the website...it's so nice to get positive feedback about the work i am doing...this is one of the reasons why i love what i do right now, and as i said to her 'i really believe this is what i was put on the earth to do' - she agreed and said that she wanted to make sure i knew i was making a difference....thank you!
so things are starting to turn - i'm looking forward to this friday night - theatre with some girlfriends, catching up with friends on the weekend, a busy rest of the week and then next weekend some time in canberra with my folks...
with each day i find things easier and find that i spend more time happy than sad....
i am very fortunate as i have MANY amazingly supportive friends - without them and my folks, i don't quite know how i would have gotten thru this time....so to each of you, my friends, and my mum and dad, a big and heartfelt thank you...
Monday, February 22, 2010
i think that sometimes the freedom
i now have actually feels like a sense of loss and lack of direction....
sounds weird right? but for so long i had to organise stuff and i felt responsible (note use of word felt, this was not imposed on me other than by myself) for so much and now all i have to be responsible for is me...
and whilst that represents freedom it also represents a loss and now i'm starting to see why it was so hard to give it up - and don't get me wrong, taking on that amount of responsibility was at times crippling and drove me nuts, but perhaps i had defined myself by it?
which is kinda interesting as if i am to define myself, then intellectually at least, i wouldn't make any reference to taking on responsibility for someone else's happiness as one of my things...
helping others to lead happy and fulfilling lives sure....
so as the days march on (they do apparently, my grief is not capable of stopping the world from turning on it's axis...) and the sun continues to rise (which is a good thing, coz i do love the sunlight streaming in the bedroom in the mornings) i learn more about myself, about what i had and what i have, about what i want and what i don't want....
sounds weird right? but for so long i had to organise stuff and i felt responsible (note use of word felt, this was not imposed on me other than by myself) for so much and now all i have to be responsible for is me...
and whilst that represents freedom it also represents a loss and now i'm starting to see why it was so hard to give it up - and don't get me wrong, taking on that amount of responsibility was at times crippling and drove me nuts, but perhaps i had defined myself by it?
which is kinda interesting as if i am to define myself, then intellectually at least, i wouldn't make any reference to taking on responsibility for someone else's happiness as one of my things...
helping others to lead happy and fulfilling lives sure....
so as the days march on (they do apparently, my grief is not capable of stopping the world from turning on it's axis...) and the sun continues to rise (which is a good thing, coz i do love the sunlight streaming in the bedroom in the mornings) i learn more about myself, about what i had and what i have, about what i want and what i don't want....
Sunday, February 21, 2010
i think i'm gonna start my lists
soon...you know the ones my good friend told me to write and the reason is that when i am feeling sad i can go to the list of the things i don't miss, rather than right now sometimes when i'm sad i immediately go to the 'things i do miss' list...
if i write it down, perhaps it will stick! and don't get me wrong, i am very aware of the reasons that our relationship didn't work and we are no longer together, but doesn't mean to say that everything wasn't working...
what i did come to realise though was a few key things: the values that i hold dear to me were not shared by ben, and this isn't an accusation, but merely an observation - and i guess as we spent more and more time together i felt this drove a wedge between us....i think what we wanted in relationship was different and i think our needs were different - so between our wants and our values, there was just too much that wasn't aligned....
which of course is sad...sad that it took me so long to come to know this, but moreso so long to come to know it and realise that it meant we couldn't be together - see when i met ben there was something different about him and i guess for me a large part of being with him was to overcome some my stuff (and in some ways i did, thanks) but in other ways it has made me realise that the things i thought were important in a relationship are, but there are other things too that are way more important...
so i hope that in time as i heal and get over the hurt of a broken relationship and a broken heart, i will remember these lessons and be thankful for ben and our relationship and be able to move forward...
there are moments when i have such intense fear about being on my own that i wonder if what i've done is right for me, but you know what - i know that it is - i just have to get used to the idea...i need to remember who i am and what i stand for - i need to remember to 'be' this person and not 'do' anger or close myself off to the world (this is what i've done before), i need to remember that i am loved (even though i really do want that special sort of love between a man and a woman, the sort of love that maybe comes only once in a lifetime, the sort of love that transcends the day to day crap that can get in the way when it's just not the right person)...and i need to remember that EVERYGHING no matter how bad it feels and how sad it can make me at times, is and did happen for a reason...
so universe if you are listening, which i know you are, please give me faith to believe in myself, to believe in my decision and to believe in my future...
thank you
ps to the three people who told me to burn sage incense - thanks! loving it :-)
if i write it down, perhaps it will stick! and don't get me wrong, i am very aware of the reasons that our relationship didn't work and we are no longer together, but doesn't mean to say that everything wasn't working...
what i did come to realise though was a few key things: the values that i hold dear to me were not shared by ben, and this isn't an accusation, but merely an observation - and i guess as we spent more and more time together i felt this drove a wedge between us....i think what we wanted in relationship was different and i think our needs were different - so between our wants and our values, there was just too much that wasn't aligned....
which of course is sad...sad that it took me so long to come to know this, but moreso so long to come to know it and realise that it meant we couldn't be together - see when i met ben there was something different about him and i guess for me a large part of being with him was to overcome some my stuff (and in some ways i did, thanks) but in other ways it has made me realise that the things i thought were important in a relationship are, but there are other things too that are way more important...
so i hope that in time as i heal and get over the hurt of a broken relationship and a broken heart, i will remember these lessons and be thankful for ben and our relationship and be able to move forward...
there are moments when i have such intense fear about being on my own that i wonder if what i've done is right for me, but you know what - i know that it is - i just have to get used to the idea...i need to remember who i am and what i stand for - i need to remember to 'be' this person and not 'do' anger or close myself off to the world (this is what i've done before), i need to remember that i am loved (even though i really do want that special sort of love between a man and a woman, the sort of love that maybe comes only once in a lifetime, the sort of love that transcends the day to day crap that can get in the way when it's just not the right person)...and i need to remember that EVERYGHING no matter how bad it feels and how sad it can make me at times, is and did happen for a reason...
so universe if you are listening, which i know you are, please give me faith to believe in myself, to believe in my decision and to believe in my future...
thank you
ps to the three people who told me to burn sage incense - thanks! loving it :-)
and this morning i'm really sad...
and feel lost and hate that even though we are not together, that i can't talk to ben....
i miss him sometimes and it hurts...
guess it's gonna hurt for a while - guess i feel as though i'm not making progress on days like today even though i did have a good day yesterday...guess this is gonna be how it is for a while...
when will i not miss him? when will i not feel as though i want to talk to him - guess it's not easy to just simply stop doing the things you've done for nearly two years, even when there are aspects of being together that weren't working....
i hate feeling like this....universe if you are listening (which i'm sure you are) please ease my pain...
i miss him sometimes and it hurts...
guess it's gonna hurt for a while - guess i feel as though i'm not making progress on days like today even though i did have a good day yesterday...guess this is gonna be how it is for a while...
when will i not miss him? when will i not feel as though i want to talk to him - guess it's not easy to just simply stop doing the things you've done for nearly two years, even when there are aspects of being together that weren't working....
i hate feeling like this....universe if you are listening (which i'm sure you are) please ease my pain...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
i had a good day today
but the evenings are the hardest - well, the evenings and the mornings...
see sleep has a way of making me forget what has happened and so some days (not all, and not today) i wake up thinking that we haven't broken up - maybe it's shock, or maybe it's hope - not really sure...either way it is improving...
the evenings are hard too - even though for the last few months we didn't do much together in the evenings (ie he was studying/learning on the computer and i would watch tv) at least i knew he was just in the other room...
it is really hard to adjust to having nobody to talk to when you've had somebody around for over 18 months....even before we lived together we would talk every night before bed, so no wonder i am finding this time of day the hardest...
although i think actually talking on tuesday night has helped me turn a corner - mainly coz i got angry - for the first time since we'd broken up i was quite angry..
my girlfriends and my therapist all think this is good! and i guess, if i'm being honest, so do i - coz anger is certainly an easier emotion to live with than overwhelming sadness...
not that i favour being angry all of the time - on the contrary - but in the process we know as 'healing' i'm pretty sure that anger is a sure sign that the road ahead will be slightly less bumpy...not to say i'm good, or over it or even happy, but i am finding things a bit easier to focus on, i am finding things to enjoy in being by myself again, and i am sad much less than i was...
that aside, i would be kidding if i said that there were not times when i still find it really hard and have to physically stop myself from calling or texting him, just to say hi :-(
see sleep has a way of making me forget what has happened and so some days (not all, and not today) i wake up thinking that we haven't broken up - maybe it's shock, or maybe it's hope - not really sure...either way it is improving...
the evenings are hard too - even though for the last few months we didn't do much together in the evenings (ie he was studying/learning on the computer and i would watch tv) at least i knew he was just in the other room...
it is really hard to adjust to having nobody to talk to when you've had somebody around for over 18 months....even before we lived together we would talk every night before bed, so no wonder i am finding this time of day the hardest...
although i think actually talking on tuesday night has helped me turn a corner - mainly coz i got angry - for the first time since we'd broken up i was quite angry..
my girlfriends and my therapist all think this is good! and i guess, if i'm being honest, so do i - coz anger is certainly an easier emotion to live with than overwhelming sadness...
not that i favour being angry all of the time - on the contrary - but in the process we know as 'healing' i'm pretty sure that anger is a sure sign that the road ahead will be slightly less bumpy...not to say i'm good, or over it or even happy, but i am finding things a bit easier to focus on, i am finding things to enjoy in being by myself again, and i am sad much less than i was...
that aside, i would be kidding if i said that there were not times when i still find it really hard and have to physically stop myself from calling or texting him, just to say hi :-(
Friday, February 19, 2010
i know i know i've blogged a lot
in the last few days, guess it's my way of being able to work through some of my thoughts and feelings...
hope is an interesting concept...so i've been thinking a bit about it in the last few months, no more so than in the last few weeks, where at times, i have felt like my hopes for my future happiness have been hard to muster...
so what I am noticing now is that i have many hopes and that they are somewhat inter-related...what i'm also wondering is if some of my hopes are actually driven by my fears...of course as a therapist i can attest to the fact that this is probably typical given what i've been through in recent times....still, i don't like it!
so the single biggest hope for the last period of time has been that my relationship with ben would work and that we would be able to work things out so that we could spend our lives together - and i'm wondering if the sadness i am experiencing today is in fact my grieving for that hope - for so long i held onto it and tried my hardest to make it so...but the reality is, i'm going to have to let go of that hope, as it's just unlikely to ever be :-(
so how do we let go of hopes - do we ritualise them (maybe write the hope on a card, put it in something and burn it - safely of course)? does that make it more real - i'm just thinking that in some ways the ending of our relationship and the hopes i had for that relationship are now 'dead' and as such need to be ritualised with a 'funeral'??
i don't know - i'm thinking as i'm typing so some of this won't make a whole lot of sense...
so i'm not really sure - what i know is that today i am just sad and feeling flat - i don't feel hopeful even though there are many things in my life to be thankful for....
hope is an interesting concept...so i've been thinking a bit about it in the last few months, no more so than in the last few weeks, where at times, i have felt like my hopes for my future happiness have been hard to muster...
so what I am noticing now is that i have many hopes and that they are somewhat inter-related...what i'm also wondering is if some of my hopes are actually driven by my fears...of course as a therapist i can attest to the fact that this is probably typical given what i've been through in recent times....still, i don't like it!
so the single biggest hope for the last period of time has been that my relationship with ben would work and that we would be able to work things out so that we could spend our lives together - and i'm wondering if the sadness i am experiencing today is in fact my grieving for that hope - for so long i held onto it and tried my hardest to make it so...but the reality is, i'm going to have to let go of that hope, as it's just unlikely to ever be :-(
so how do we let go of hopes - do we ritualise them (maybe write the hope on a card, put it in something and burn it - safely of course)? does that make it more real - i'm just thinking that in some ways the ending of our relationship and the hopes i had for that relationship are now 'dead' and as such need to be ritualised with a 'funeral'??
i don't know - i'm thinking as i'm typing so some of this won't make a whole lot of sense...
so i'm not really sure - what i know is that today i am just sad and feeling flat - i don't feel hopeful even though there are many things in my life to be thankful for....
i am struggling today...
i feel really sad and the intensity of my loneliness has increased...
so i'm trying to just sit with it and be present to it - i'm tempted to go watch some crap tv or 'do' something, but perhaps i just need to be with this loneliness and see where it takes me...
it's ironic (to me at lesat) that having now found the voice that for so long wasn't heard (and i mean in most of my life not just in my relationship with ben) i now have no-one to talk to :-(
i'm just so sad - i feel today like the sadness that had been starting to lift has re-emerged...and i wonder why that might be...
of course talking to ben earlier in the week may have set that off, or perhaps it's that i am starting to really believe that it is over (of course on some level i knew this when it all happened) but i wonder if my mind has been 'pretending' that whilst it was over on most levels, on one level perhaps there was hope - i'm not sure - maybe i'm sad because the hope is now really slipping away too...
i don't know - what i know is i'm sad today and i'm hurting and i'm lonely :-(
so i'm trying to just sit with it and be present to it - i'm tempted to go watch some crap tv or 'do' something, but perhaps i just need to be with this loneliness and see where it takes me...
it's ironic (to me at lesat) that having now found the voice that for so long wasn't heard (and i mean in most of my life not just in my relationship with ben) i now have no-one to talk to :-(
i'm just so sad - i feel today like the sadness that had been starting to lift has re-emerged...and i wonder why that might be...
of course talking to ben earlier in the week may have set that off, or perhaps it's that i am starting to really believe that it is over (of course on some level i knew this when it all happened) but i wonder if my mind has been 'pretending' that whilst it was over on most levels, on one level perhaps there was hope - i'm not sure - maybe i'm sad because the hope is now really slipping away too...
i don't know - what i know is i'm sad today and i'm hurting and i'm lonely :-(
Thursday, February 18, 2010
even though i said advice is
usually not welcome in these situations, one particular friend has given me what i consider to be great advice...
she told me that when she went through the breakup of a relationship a journal became her closest friend...she wrote down:
- what she missed about the relationship
- what she didn't miss about the relationship
- what she wanted in future and with whom (I found this hard to imagine, but of course she meant the values and attributes not a name...sometimes I can be so literal!)
- who her friends were
- what she loved doing in her own time
- what she was feeling
- what was on her mind
so thank you my dear friend, i will endeavour to do this and in fact, before you had even emailed me i had started on the 'what i want in the future' list....i know that i can share some of this stuff on the blog, but not everything, so if it appears incomplete, then there's a reason for that...
i thought the easiest bit to do might be to make a list of the stuff i miss, coz right now it's very fresh in my mind and of course, there is a lot that i miss...
- i miss the ritual of drinking tea with ben, especially my morning cuppa (usually served in bed)
- i miss my CIO
- i miss our walks
- i miss watching jeopardy with him over dinner
- i miss the 'language' we used with each other
- i miss saying 'we' instead of 'i' or 'me'
- i miss the chats we used to have in bed
- i miss the hugs, the kisses and of course...well you know
- i miss having someone to bounce ideas off
- i miss the end of day debrief in bed
no doubt there will be more added to this list, but right now, after a number of posts today, that's about all i can come up with...
nite
she told me that when she went through the breakup of a relationship a journal became her closest friend...she wrote down:
- what she missed about the relationship
- what she didn't miss about the relationship
- what she wanted in future and with whom (I found this hard to imagine, but of course she meant the values and attributes not a name...sometimes I can be so literal!)
- who her friends were
- what she loved doing in her own time
- what she was feeling
- what was on her mind
so thank you my dear friend, i will endeavour to do this and in fact, before you had even emailed me i had started on the 'what i want in the future' list....i know that i can share some of this stuff on the blog, but not everything, so if it appears incomplete, then there's a reason for that...
i thought the easiest bit to do might be to make a list of the stuff i miss, coz right now it's very fresh in my mind and of course, there is a lot that i miss...
- i miss the ritual of drinking tea with ben, especially my morning cuppa (usually served in bed)
- i miss my CIO
- i miss our walks
- i miss watching jeopardy with him over dinner
- i miss the 'language' we used with each other
- i miss saying 'we' instead of 'i' or 'me'
- i miss the chats we used to have in bed
- i miss the hugs, the kisses and of course...well you know
- i miss having someone to bounce ideas off
- i miss the end of day debrief in bed
no doubt there will be more added to this list, but right now, after a number of posts today, that's about all i can come up with...
nite
reclaiming the space...
is a task i am now faced with...
see for most of my relationship with ben he lived with me at my place so of course i made a big effort to make it 'our place'...
initially i didn't want to come back here - a few days after it all happened i went to canberra and then melbourne and i noticed as the time to come home drew nearer, i got more and more anxious and more and more unhappy :-(
and that in itself is sad - see i'd lived here for 4 years by the time ben moved in and so it was well and truly 'my place'...but i just couldn't imagine that i would ever feel happy here again or that it would feel like my own place without all the memories (good ones i mean) and the constant reminders of our life together...
so my mum has been great - she helped me put the study back into something resembling what it looked like before ben moved in, she cleaned everything from top to toe so my home looks lovely and clean, but still i feel a wee bit sad...of course all the photos of us and notes and cards he wrote me are no longer up, but still, it's as though his energy is still here...
so i'm gonna try and do some 'reclaiming' so that my home becomes truly mine again - and i must say, that since mum left and i had to get used to being here on my own again, i have made progress...initially i didn't want to even be here on my own and invited people around and went out so that i didn't have to be here on my own, and reasonably quickly that shifted and i started to crave time in my home - which for so long has been a haven...
if i'm honest, there were times towards the end of our relationship where i would have liked the space to myself - see ben was here a lot more than me...anyway, that's now irrelevant...
so my plan for the study is to move the chinese cabinet to a place where it doesn't have to house the modem, phone and printer, and where it can simply be a 'decorative' item and it's surface freed up to house a zen sand garden and some candles and perhaps even some oils/incense - perhaps then i'll do a ritual cleansing...see this room was where ben spent most of his time and as such it has been the most difficult room to reclaim...
the bedroom is another story - i am slowly adjusting to him not being there, although there are still times when i wake up in a cold sweat wondering where he is :-( this is hard....of course i have more wardrobe space now - is that a good thing or not?
so perhaps one step at a time - the study is an important room for me to reclaim as i work from home when i'm not seeing clients, and it's important (if i'm to be successful) that i feel that it is both inspiring and welcoming and not a constant reminder of what no longer is...
i can see why many people choose to stay in relationships that perhaps aren't just right for them coz it would certainly be easier - easier not to have to hurt the other person, to put their life into turmoil, to have to divide up the assets (we didn't have to do that thankfully), to watch them walk out of the door for the very last time...just heartbreaking...
anyway, i've written enough today - i'm finding the blog very cathartic right now even though my innermost and private thoughts are not here....
back to the couch!
see for most of my relationship with ben he lived with me at my place so of course i made a big effort to make it 'our place'...
initially i didn't want to come back here - a few days after it all happened i went to canberra and then melbourne and i noticed as the time to come home drew nearer, i got more and more anxious and more and more unhappy :-(
and that in itself is sad - see i'd lived here for 4 years by the time ben moved in and so it was well and truly 'my place'...but i just couldn't imagine that i would ever feel happy here again or that it would feel like my own place without all the memories (good ones i mean) and the constant reminders of our life together...
so my mum has been great - she helped me put the study back into something resembling what it looked like before ben moved in, she cleaned everything from top to toe so my home looks lovely and clean, but still i feel a wee bit sad...of course all the photos of us and notes and cards he wrote me are no longer up, but still, it's as though his energy is still here...
so i'm gonna try and do some 'reclaiming' so that my home becomes truly mine again - and i must say, that since mum left and i had to get used to being here on my own again, i have made progress...initially i didn't want to even be here on my own and invited people around and went out so that i didn't have to be here on my own, and reasonably quickly that shifted and i started to crave time in my home - which for so long has been a haven...
if i'm honest, there were times towards the end of our relationship where i would have liked the space to myself - see ben was here a lot more than me...anyway, that's now irrelevant...
so my plan for the study is to move the chinese cabinet to a place where it doesn't have to house the modem, phone and printer, and where it can simply be a 'decorative' item and it's surface freed up to house a zen sand garden and some candles and perhaps even some oils/incense - perhaps then i'll do a ritual cleansing...see this room was where ben spent most of his time and as such it has been the most difficult room to reclaim...
the bedroom is another story - i am slowly adjusting to him not being there, although there are still times when i wake up in a cold sweat wondering where he is :-( this is hard....of course i have more wardrobe space now - is that a good thing or not?
so perhaps one step at a time - the study is an important room for me to reclaim as i work from home when i'm not seeing clients, and it's important (if i'm to be successful) that i feel that it is both inspiring and welcoming and not a constant reminder of what no longer is...
i can see why many people choose to stay in relationships that perhaps aren't just right for them coz it would certainly be easier - easier not to have to hurt the other person, to put their life into turmoil, to have to divide up the assets (we didn't have to do that thankfully), to watch them walk out of the door for the very last time...just heartbreaking...
anyway, i've written enough today - i'm finding the blog very cathartic right now even though my innermost and private thoughts are not here....
back to the couch!
it saddens me that so many
people cannot handle someone else's grief...
in this particular instance i'm talking, of course, about my grief! i'm not sure if this is something that would have annoyed me 5 years ago - not sure - but it annoys me now...
it's almost as if when someone asks 'how are you?' they really don't want to hear how you actually are - society and the 'i'm so busy mentality' seems to have made it ok for them to ask but not actually want to know
so when you actually tell someone how you are and at times in the last few weeks my response has been 'actually not good, pretty sad...' people look at me as if they are uncomfortable
what sort of a world do we live in where people can't even deal with someone else's grief? when really, grief is all around us - i'm not saying that life is hopeless and that there aren't happy moments (of course there are many) but sad things are happening a lot! people die, people get cancer, people are involved in accidents, relationships break down, people get abused etc - this stuff happens in life and it seems as though for the majority of people, just ignoring that and pretending to be ok is ok
well for me, it's categorically not ok! it's not ok to ask someone how they are unless you actually want to know - it's not ok to tell someone who's grieving 'oh you'll be right', it's not welcomed (or at least not by me) to be told 'plenty of fish in the sea' or 'oh you'll meet someone else and so will he'...
fuck, seriously, what is wrong with people - have they forgotten that we are human BEINGS and not human doings? is it so hard to want to listen to someone's real experience? is it so hard to actually just BE with someone whilst they are grieving
and see, i think this is the crux of it all - people think that they have to solve the problem or give advice, when really there is no solution (well in my case there really isn't) and the advice is not wanted..
what most people who are grieving need is space, time, support without judgement and advice and to be heard...
how hard can that be??
in this particular instance i'm talking, of course, about my grief! i'm not sure if this is something that would have annoyed me 5 years ago - not sure - but it annoys me now...
it's almost as if when someone asks 'how are you?' they really don't want to hear how you actually are - society and the 'i'm so busy mentality' seems to have made it ok for them to ask but not actually want to know
so when you actually tell someone how you are and at times in the last few weeks my response has been 'actually not good, pretty sad...' people look at me as if they are uncomfortable
what sort of a world do we live in where people can't even deal with someone else's grief? when really, grief is all around us - i'm not saying that life is hopeless and that there aren't happy moments (of course there are many) but sad things are happening a lot! people die, people get cancer, people are involved in accidents, relationships break down, people get abused etc - this stuff happens in life and it seems as though for the majority of people, just ignoring that and pretending to be ok is ok
well for me, it's categorically not ok! it's not ok to ask someone how they are unless you actually want to know - it's not ok to tell someone who's grieving 'oh you'll be right', it's not welcomed (or at least not by me) to be told 'plenty of fish in the sea' or 'oh you'll meet someone else and so will he'...
fuck, seriously, what is wrong with people - have they forgotten that we are human BEINGS and not human doings? is it so hard to want to listen to someone's real experience? is it so hard to actually just BE with someone whilst they are grieving
and see, i think this is the crux of it all - people think that they have to solve the problem or give advice, when really there is no solution (well in my case there really isn't) and the advice is not wanted..
what most people who are grieving need is space, time, support without judgement and advice and to be heard...
how hard can that be??
and the anger continues, but as it
wears off it is replaced with that sadness...
i'm a bit over feeling sad and although i am doing WAY better than I was 3 weeks ago and much better than i thought i would be doing, the waves of sadness still wash over me and feel like they are never going to end...
i guess this is grieving - i have actually allowed myself to surrender to whatever emotions come up rather than pretending that i was ok when i wasn't - i have found it easier this time to surrender and to simply go with the flow - perhaps that's a bit of the work i've been doing over the last few years - and perhaps it's an acceptance that things will work out for the best - they always do - even though there are moments right now (and since it all happened) that i doubt that...
for the first time in my life i have been able to experience my emotions without having to hide them - and that is a huge plus - i think in many ways it is one of the reasons that i'm finding each day a wee bit easier than the last...
don't get me wrong - there are still many aspects of my relationship with ben that i miss and every now and again when i'm feeling really low i wonder if i made the right decision and if being together would be better than this...
interesting though is that all through the phone call with him the other night i kept wondering (but didn't ask, god damn it - and wish i had) if he was thinking that he would have preferred us to be together (as it was) rather than be apart - i guess i am the one who felt i needed and wanted more in the relationship and i read (perhaps incorrectly) his comments about him making an effort and caring about me as him saying he was happy?
it's funny coz I never really sensed that he was happy and i mean truly happy - i didn't think he was unhappy and certainly he didn't seem to get why i was unhappy...but i wonder if he was truly happy?
anyway, i guess it's all a bit immaterial now as to whether he was happy or not, or wanted to stay or not...
sad thing is that even though we did care about each other and at one time love each other in that truly madly deeply way, in the end i just didn't feel we had what it took to be together forever, and that makes me sad on another level :-(
i'm sad that we are both hurting and trying to adjust to a life without each other, i'm sad that we couldn't make it work and i'm sad that no matter what i say he just doesn't seem to get what i was on about...
i hope that at some point this sadness is replaced with a much nicer emotion...for both of us
ok, couch is calling!
i'm a bit over feeling sad and although i am doing WAY better than I was 3 weeks ago and much better than i thought i would be doing, the waves of sadness still wash over me and feel like they are never going to end...
i guess this is grieving - i have actually allowed myself to surrender to whatever emotions come up rather than pretending that i was ok when i wasn't - i have found it easier this time to surrender and to simply go with the flow - perhaps that's a bit of the work i've been doing over the last few years - and perhaps it's an acceptance that things will work out for the best - they always do - even though there are moments right now (and since it all happened) that i doubt that...
for the first time in my life i have been able to experience my emotions without having to hide them - and that is a huge plus - i think in many ways it is one of the reasons that i'm finding each day a wee bit easier than the last...
don't get me wrong - there are still many aspects of my relationship with ben that i miss and every now and again when i'm feeling really low i wonder if i made the right decision and if being together would be better than this...
interesting though is that all through the phone call with him the other night i kept wondering (but didn't ask, god damn it - and wish i had) if he was thinking that he would have preferred us to be together (as it was) rather than be apart - i guess i am the one who felt i needed and wanted more in the relationship and i read (perhaps incorrectly) his comments about him making an effort and caring about me as him saying he was happy?
it's funny coz I never really sensed that he was happy and i mean truly happy - i didn't think he was unhappy and certainly he didn't seem to get why i was unhappy...but i wonder if he was truly happy?
anyway, i guess it's all a bit immaterial now as to whether he was happy or not, or wanted to stay or not...
sad thing is that even though we did care about each other and at one time love each other in that truly madly deeply way, in the end i just didn't feel we had what it took to be together forever, and that makes me sad on another level :-(
i'm sad that we are both hurting and trying to adjust to a life without each other, i'm sad that we couldn't make it work and i'm sad that no matter what i say he just doesn't seem to get what i was on about...
i hope that at some point this sadness is replaced with a much nicer emotion...for both of us
ok, couch is calling!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
unbelievable is truly
the only word i have right now...
so ben and i finally talk - it's been 3 weeks - it was weird - his voice sounded so different...so he tells me some stuff that has not only really upset me but makes me realise that it was no wonder we didn't make it - things that relate to something that happened some 3 months into our relationship that he says made him think differently about me...
so i ask him why he didn't bring it up and he says he didn't want to hurt my feelings! yeah, coz how i'm feeling right now is so deliriously fucking happy...
my god i'm angry - i'm angry, shocked, and incredulous (there's a word i haven't used in a while) that he could have spent 20 months with me and not said anything - and then, as if to make me feel worse, he drudges up other so called incidents that he never mentioned...and i begin to see why we aren't together...
communication is KEY in relationships - being able to be honest with yourself, being able to be honest with your partner and being able to talk through things to resolution - rather than holding on to them and talking about them when it's all over...seriously, why is it so hard to get communication right...
no wonder that for months before we broke up i felt we were drifting apart and that we had no connection - no wonder that EVERYTHING i tried to do didn't work, what hope did i have when he couldn't be honest with me...
and i get that it's hard coz it was hard for me too - one of the things about my relationship with ben that stands out is that in order for me to break up with him, i had to truly find my voice and put myself first - and this sounds weird i know, and kind of ironic, but it's true...
so i'm now sad - but angry too - and perhaps that anger will help me...and it's funny coz i have tried really hard to go about this in a respectful and grown up way, but inside my head all i can hear is a voice that is screaming 'get fucked'....
so ben and i finally talk - it's been 3 weeks - it was weird - his voice sounded so different...so he tells me some stuff that has not only really upset me but makes me realise that it was no wonder we didn't make it - things that relate to something that happened some 3 months into our relationship that he says made him think differently about me...
so i ask him why he didn't bring it up and he says he didn't want to hurt my feelings! yeah, coz how i'm feeling right now is so deliriously fucking happy...
my god i'm angry - i'm angry, shocked, and incredulous (there's a word i haven't used in a while) that he could have spent 20 months with me and not said anything - and then, as if to make me feel worse, he drudges up other so called incidents that he never mentioned...and i begin to see why we aren't together...
communication is KEY in relationships - being able to be honest with yourself, being able to be honest with your partner and being able to talk through things to resolution - rather than holding on to them and talking about them when it's all over...seriously, why is it so hard to get communication right...
no wonder that for months before we broke up i felt we were drifting apart and that we had no connection - no wonder that EVERYTHING i tried to do didn't work, what hope did i have when he couldn't be honest with me...
and i get that it's hard coz it was hard for me too - one of the things about my relationship with ben that stands out is that in order for me to break up with him, i had to truly find my voice and put myself first - and this sounds weird i know, and kind of ironic, but it's true...
so i'm now sad - but angry too - and perhaps that anger will help me...and it's funny coz i have tried really hard to go about this in a respectful and grown up way, but inside my head all i can hear is a voice that is screaming 'get fucked'....
i'm going to paris, chicago, new york and
downtown northallerton! not exactly in the same league, but then again my reasons for going there are not related to what is there, but who...
so i decided a coupla weeks ago to plan a mid year trip - coupla reasons: firstly, to visit my grandmother who has been having a rough time since my grandfather died and secondly, to give me something to look forward to...
of course my first reaction after telling my grandmother that i was coming, was sheer dread - the fear that having made the commitment i would have to go through with it - and it occured to me that making commitments (after the breakup) was something i found really hard...and it took me a while to work out what was going on there, but i think i have now...
see, i throw myself into things 120% - sometimes more, rarely less! and i did that with my emotional commitment to ben and since we didn't make it i guess i became afraid of making commitments...
so guess i've gotten over that fear of commitment to some extent as i just paid for my trip today...as i said to a friend i'm going shopping in new york, going to a conference in paris and spending some time with good friends and my grandmother...
should be good - bring on june 2nd!
so i decided a coupla weeks ago to plan a mid year trip - coupla reasons: firstly, to visit my grandmother who has been having a rough time since my grandfather died and secondly, to give me something to look forward to...
of course my first reaction after telling my grandmother that i was coming, was sheer dread - the fear that having made the commitment i would have to go through with it - and it occured to me that making commitments (after the breakup) was something i found really hard...and it took me a while to work out what was going on there, but i think i have now...
see, i throw myself into things 120% - sometimes more, rarely less! and i did that with my emotional commitment to ben and since we didn't make it i guess i became afraid of making commitments...
so guess i've gotten over that fear of commitment to some extent as i just paid for my trip today...as i said to a friend i'm going shopping in new york, going to a conference in paris and spending some time with good friends and my grandmother...
should be good - bring on june 2nd!
Monday, February 15, 2010
it's a sign of just how sad my life is
right now, that finding 2 chocolate covered wheatens at the back of my fridge is a highlight...
i've had a better day today - i made myself get up before the alarm went off and started some work - emails i had to do, calls i had to make, paid some bills, did some financial planning etc
haven't done as much prep for my day tomorrow as i should have, but i'm doing the best i can and it's ok...
i am still sad and a little bit scared that i am never going to hear from ben again - which of course i respect if that's what he needs to be able to move forward - and it's just feeling so final (i already blogged about this) and i guess whilst my heart is hurting, my head knows it probably is the best thing for both of us...
but somewhere in that heart of mine, a small part of me clings to that connection - as if it in some way eases the pain of our relationship breakdown....
it doesn't and it's silly of me to think that by clinging to the odd text or email, it will make a difference to how i'm feeling...
but i guess the break up of a long term and serious relationship makes us think differently about things and in some cases, place more stock in things than we ordinarily would
reality is this: what i am going through now is certainly not ordinary, so why i'd be expecting to behave in an ordinary way is surprising in itself....
i've had a better day today - i made myself get up before the alarm went off and started some work - emails i had to do, calls i had to make, paid some bills, did some financial planning etc
haven't done as much prep for my day tomorrow as i should have, but i'm doing the best i can and it's ok...
i am still sad and a little bit scared that i am never going to hear from ben again - which of course i respect if that's what he needs to be able to move forward - and it's just feeling so final (i already blogged about this) and i guess whilst my heart is hurting, my head knows it probably is the best thing for both of us...
but somewhere in that heart of mine, a small part of me clings to that connection - as if it in some way eases the pain of our relationship breakdown....
it doesn't and it's silly of me to think that by clinging to the odd text or email, it will make a difference to how i'm feeling...
but i guess the break up of a long term and serious relationship makes us think differently about things and in some cases, place more stock in things than we ordinarily would
reality is this: what i am going through now is certainly not ordinary, so why i'd be expecting to behave in an ordinary way is surprising in itself....
it's starting to feel
very final and i think that soon (from ben's perspective) we will have nothing left to talk about and as such, i am experiencing some anxiety around that...
it's kinda hard to think that two people who spent nearly 2 years together, much of that time living together, could end up with nothing left to say to each other...
so i guess i need to prepare myself for that...
it's hard - of course i understand if that's what he wants...perhaps in time i'll see it as a good thing too as it will mean i can truly move forward...that in itself is pretty scary - feels as though my security blanket is about to be ripped out from under me, but when i really think about it, i was his security blanket...
soooo i guess now it's about me accepting what is and grieving for what is not and moving on with my life...
gotta say, i am not a fan of the finality of things - never have been :-(
it's kinda hard to think that two people who spent nearly 2 years together, much of that time living together, could end up with nothing left to say to each other...
so i guess i need to prepare myself for that...
it's hard - of course i understand if that's what he wants...perhaps in time i'll see it as a good thing too as it will mean i can truly move forward...that in itself is pretty scary - feels as though my security blanket is about to be ripped out from under me, but when i really think about it, i was his security blanket...
soooo i guess now it's about me accepting what is and grieving for what is not and moving on with my life...
gotta say, i am not a fan of the finality of things - never have been :-(
Sunday, February 14, 2010
back to square one?
today has been just the worst day emotionally for me - not sure why - but i said to a friend lastnight (who remarked how well i was doing) that i expected a crash at some point - perhaps today is it...
i just feel sad and bereft all over again - it had started to shift - just slightly - but i noticed that i was feeling a wee bit less sad as each day dawned - this is not to say i am happy - far from it, but the cloud seemed to be lifting...
perhaps my mood is simply mirroring the weather, perhaps it's because ben texted me re the storage stuff so i now know he is moving into share accomodation, which i don't think he will like, and with people he doesn't know and it simply breaks my heart...
the thought that he's out there all on his own saddens me and i get (intellectually) that i'm not responsible for his happiness, and i guess one of the reasons i took so long in making my decision, is that i did feel that i wanted to create a happy environment for him...
so i'm sad - i've spent the day with 2 of my dearest friends - but the very minute i walked through my door i broke down - and this is not because these friends are the sort of friends i can't cry in front of or be myself in front of - but i guess it's just hard every time i come through the door, which for over 19 months was the home ben and i shared...
it's fucking hard and i hate where i am at right now - i hate that i just feel as though a part of my anatomy is missing, i hate that i can't sleep without sleeping tablets, i hate that yet again i feel all alone in the world...and i hate thinking that ben is out there all on his own too...
please universe if you are listening - ease my pain...thank you x
i just feel sad and bereft all over again - it had started to shift - just slightly - but i noticed that i was feeling a wee bit less sad as each day dawned - this is not to say i am happy - far from it, but the cloud seemed to be lifting...
perhaps my mood is simply mirroring the weather, perhaps it's because ben texted me re the storage stuff so i now know he is moving into share accomodation, which i don't think he will like, and with people he doesn't know and it simply breaks my heart...
the thought that he's out there all on his own saddens me and i get (intellectually) that i'm not responsible for his happiness, and i guess one of the reasons i took so long in making my decision, is that i did feel that i wanted to create a happy environment for him...
so i'm sad - i've spent the day with 2 of my dearest friends - but the very minute i walked through my door i broke down - and this is not because these friends are the sort of friends i can't cry in front of or be myself in front of - but i guess it's just hard every time i come through the door, which for over 19 months was the home ben and i shared...
it's fucking hard and i hate where i am at right now - i hate that i just feel as though a part of my anatomy is missing, i hate that i can't sleep without sleeping tablets, i hate that yet again i feel all alone in the world...and i hate thinking that ben is out there all on his own too...
please universe if you are listening - ease my pain...thank you x
Saturday, February 13, 2010
some of the conversations
ben and i have had since we broke up seem to be more informative than those we had prior - do you think that's strange?
guess i am starting to become clearer about why things didn't work for us...which i guess is good, as otherwise my mind comes up with it's own version of things and it's usually not very nice for me...meaning that usually i attribute all the blame on me and start questioning myself and my self worth - not this time! that is one lesson i have learnt through all of this - that i am a wonderful, caring, kind and giving person with a huge capacity for love and a desire to be in a happy, equal, supportive, passionate relationship...
so turns out that we had very different needs in a relationship and desires for the future - easy to see why this is hard to swallow - coz at the beginning it didn't feel like that at all...i guess as time went on the gap simply widened, but our friendship (which we both valued) kept us together...
and sure i may have overlooked some things because i simply wanted to be with him - and why: well, coz i loved him and came to care for him deeply and whilst i have never believed that to be happy with the right person, there are many compromises, i do believe there are some...
i guess when all is said and done there were just too many things i wanted that weren't there - and this isn't an accusation or a blame - it's sadly, just the way it is...
the most difficult thing i am facing now is that loss of friendship and the gaping great hole that is left in my life and my heart - sure, each day gets a wee bit better but it still hurts....
guess i am starting to become clearer about why things didn't work for us...which i guess is good, as otherwise my mind comes up with it's own version of things and it's usually not very nice for me...meaning that usually i attribute all the blame on me and start questioning myself and my self worth - not this time! that is one lesson i have learnt through all of this - that i am a wonderful, caring, kind and giving person with a huge capacity for love and a desire to be in a happy, equal, supportive, passionate relationship...
so turns out that we had very different needs in a relationship and desires for the future - easy to see why this is hard to swallow - coz at the beginning it didn't feel like that at all...i guess as time went on the gap simply widened, but our friendship (which we both valued) kept us together...
and sure i may have overlooked some things because i simply wanted to be with him - and why: well, coz i loved him and came to care for him deeply and whilst i have never believed that to be happy with the right person, there are many compromises, i do believe there are some...
i guess when all is said and done there were just too many things i wanted that weren't there - and this isn't an accusation or a blame - it's sadly, just the way it is...
the most difficult thing i am facing now is that loss of friendship and the gaping great hole that is left in my life and my heart - sure, each day gets a wee bit better but it still hurts....
indifference...
so back when Ben and i first started going out he told me about a movie he watched and about a line in the movie that really resonated with him...something about the indifference of good men being worse than whatever evil men do...
anyway, what occurs to me now (in fact it occurred to me well over a week ago) is that, in the end, Ben was actually indifferent to me...
no wonder I sensed that something was wrong, no wonder I felt starved of affection and the sort of love that I wanted and deserved, no wonder I went to sleep crying so many nights before we parted...
in many ways it would have been easier to part had he been mean to me - at least then I could be angry with him, but in many ways i simply feel angry with myself for letting myself stay in a relationship where the person I loved most in the world, the person whose needs I put ahead of mine, the person I wanted to be loved by, was simply indifferent to me and all I had to offer...
makes me really really sad...
it's true what they say: some people really don't know a good thing when it's right in front of them...
i don't know how long my grieving process is gonna take and i'm doing all i can to get through this difficult time (work, catching up with friends, joined a book club, gonna try do a 2 hour meditation class each week, looking into joining a tennis comp, work etc) but I know that getting over the fact that Ben's indifference to me and our relationship is gonna take some time...coz you know what: it really bloody hurts...
anyway, what occurs to me now (in fact it occurred to me well over a week ago) is that, in the end, Ben was actually indifferent to me...
no wonder I sensed that something was wrong, no wonder I felt starved of affection and the sort of love that I wanted and deserved, no wonder I went to sleep crying so many nights before we parted...
in many ways it would have been easier to part had he been mean to me - at least then I could be angry with him, but in many ways i simply feel angry with myself for letting myself stay in a relationship where the person I loved most in the world, the person whose needs I put ahead of mine, the person I wanted to be loved by, was simply indifferent to me and all I had to offer...
makes me really really sad...
it's true what they say: some people really don't know a good thing when it's right in front of them...
i don't know how long my grieving process is gonna take and i'm doing all i can to get through this difficult time (work, catching up with friends, joined a book club, gonna try do a 2 hour meditation class each week, looking into joining a tennis comp, work etc) but I know that getting over the fact that Ben's indifference to me and our relationship is gonna take some time...coz you know what: it really bloody hurts...
Friday, February 12, 2010
today has been hard...
and i'm not sure why...could be coz the reality of being 'single' and 'on my own' is really just hitting home, or could be because for nearly 2 years i spoke to Ben every day and now our communications are dwindling to the things that need 'sorting out'...could be coz i simply had thought and hoped that once i met him, we would be together forever...
and not that i'm some starry eyed naive girl who believes that things are forever, but i guess if i'm honest, that's what i'd hoped for...
and not as though our relationship was perfect in the end, but at least i was a 'we'...getting used to saying 'me' or 'i' instead of 'we' and 'us' is really bloody hard and if i'm being brutally honest i have always thought that i can't consider myself to be truly successful until i am in a happy relationship...
an interesting belief and one that warrants a lot more contemplation and discussion with my therapist!
and not that i'm some starry eyed naive girl who believes that things are forever, but i guess if i'm honest, that's what i'd hoped for...
and not as though our relationship was perfect in the end, but at least i was a 'we'...getting used to saying 'me' or 'i' instead of 'we' and 'us' is really bloody hard and if i'm being brutally honest i have always thought that i can't consider myself to be truly successful until i am in a happy relationship...
an interesting belief and one that warrants a lot more contemplation and discussion with my therapist!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
this time of day is
really hard...
someone told me today that routines/habits only take 26 days to break and NOT that i see my relationship with Ben like a routine or a habit, but we did have routines (as I'm sure all relationships do)...and those little things, are actually the things i miss the most...
i feel really lonely at this time of day - i don't really like going to bed on my own, or waking up on my own in the morning - i miss having someone to talk to before i go to sleep...
i keep waking up in a cold sweat sometime in the middle of the night and when i do i wonder if what i am experiencing is real or some dream (read: nightmare) that i'm gonna wake up from
it would appear not :-(
that aside I did actually have a good (and productive) day today, and i think i've picked up a new client, albeit in canberra! will make a good excuse to go visit my folks more often...
nite x
someone told me today that routines/habits only take 26 days to break and NOT that i see my relationship with Ben like a routine or a habit, but we did have routines (as I'm sure all relationships do)...and those little things, are actually the things i miss the most...
i feel really lonely at this time of day - i don't really like going to bed on my own, or waking up on my own in the morning - i miss having someone to talk to before i go to sleep...
i keep waking up in a cold sweat sometime in the middle of the night and when i do i wonder if what i am experiencing is real or some dream (read: nightmare) that i'm gonna wake up from
it would appear not :-(
that aside I did actually have a good (and productive) day today, and i think i've picked up a new client, albeit in canberra! will make a good excuse to go visit my folks more often...
nite x
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
it's just so hard...
which i guess is why it took me so long to come to the decision i did...
not that i am naive enough to think that break-ups are easy: on the contrary...but i thought that 2 weeks on i might be feeling better and not so sad...
truth is i AM doing better than i was, but the hurt hits me in waves - one minute i feel good, and then i realise that i'm not gonna wake up...
and don't get me wrong - things weren't fantastic for some time, but they weren't bad either (in fact some things were still good) and i keep thinking that if i hated ben or was angry with him it would help me...truth is i don't hate him and i'm not really angry...i'm just sad, and come tomorrow, when my mum goes home (meaning i'll be on my own for the first time since it all happened) i'm gonna find it really hard...
i know that everyone says time heals (i even say it) and i know that it's gonna take me time to get back on my feet, but there is a HUGE part of me that just wants to wake up when i feel good again...when i'm not scared to go out on my own, when i don't wake up in a cold sweat realising what i did, when i no longer reminded of him and our relationship together by sooo many things - silly little things - but those things that are the fabric of relationships - the language we shared, our little rituals, the names we had for each other, our tea drinking, his shoes under the table - all of which i miss terribly...
and right now i just CAN'T imagine that i'm gonna feel better, that i'm gonna be able to move on or that i'm not gonna feel scared about what my future holds...
all i know is that i hope the universe has something amazing in store for me - the last year has been a year of enormous growth and a lot of grieving - a lot of courage, and a lot of sadness...surely something good must come of this time?
what i am hoping is that 'this too shall pass'....
not that i am naive enough to think that break-ups are easy: on the contrary...but i thought that 2 weeks on i might be feeling better and not so sad...
truth is i AM doing better than i was, but the hurt hits me in waves - one minute i feel good, and then i realise that i'm not gonna wake up...
and don't get me wrong - things weren't fantastic for some time, but they weren't bad either (in fact some things were still good) and i keep thinking that if i hated ben or was angry with him it would help me...truth is i don't hate him and i'm not really angry...i'm just sad, and come tomorrow, when my mum goes home (meaning i'll be on my own for the first time since it all happened) i'm gonna find it really hard...
i know that everyone says time heals (i even say it) and i know that it's gonna take me time to get back on my feet, but there is a HUGE part of me that just wants to wake up when i feel good again...when i'm not scared to go out on my own, when i don't wake up in a cold sweat realising what i did, when i no longer reminded of him and our relationship together by sooo many things - silly little things - but those things that are the fabric of relationships - the language we shared, our little rituals, the names we had for each other, our tea drinking, his shoes under the table - all of which i miss terribly...
and right now i just CAN'T imagine that i'm gonna feel better, that i'm gonna be able to move on or that i'm not gonna feel scared about what my future holds...
all i know is that i hope the universe has something amazing in store for me - the last year has been a year of enormous growth and a lot of grieving - a lot of courage, and a lot of sadness...surely something good must come of this time?
what i am hoping is that 'this too shall pass'....
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