i'm still sad...

which i guess is to be expected...of course how i am feeling now is probably one of the reasons that i decided not to make a decision for a while...

and it's only been 3.5 days which i must say feels like an eternity...when you've been with someone for nearly 2 years and you've lived with them for 19 months, 3.5 days with little or no contact, and no physical presence, is a killer...

it's absolutely the hardest decision i have ever made and everyone keeps telling me that time will heal my pain, that i'm strong (wish i felt so), that it must be the right decision as i didn't make it quickly or lightly and that i will be ok...

i have moments where i believe that and then a wave of hurt and sadness washes over me and i feel helpless and sad and immobile :-(

thankfully my mum has been here and has been wonderful - looking after me, letting me cry, hugging me, feeding me (when i'll eat), generally being supportive and wonderful - pretty lucky for me really

i find myself questioning my decision in the times when i'm really sad and of course one of the reasons i think i went on for a while was the fear of what i am going through right now - which is frankly like a living nightmare

as i'm sure it is for ben too - and it pains me to know that i have caused him to be hurt and sad and thrown a spanner in his plans for right now...

i always used to think too that when you broke up with someone it was easier if you stopped loving them and caring about them immediately - stupidly as if you could simply flick a switch in your heart - how naive I was...

so universe please look after ben and i right now...