and now i'm a wee bit angry too...

as it turns out that even though ben made me feel bad for ending things, he had been thinking about it but couldn't tell me...even though i asked him...

he has said some pretty hurtful things to me in the last few days and whilst i know that it's probably his reaction to what has happened, doesn't diminish the impact on me...

guess when it's all said and done, he didn't love me enough to try and make things better - and i did - i tried my heart out, and did everything i knew possible...

soooo we live and learn i guess...i am hurting deeply, and am sad (although it seems to be lessening slightly as each day passes), i'm lonely (although i was often lonely even when he was there) and i keep wondering when i will feel better about things...

there's gonna be good days and bad - there's gonna be good moments and bad - sometimes of day are worse than others...

so what does one do to get through this stuff? when i figure it out, i'll be happy to share...

i'm still sad...

which i guess is to be expected...of course how i am feeling now is probably one of the reasons that i decided not to make a decision for a while...

and it's only been 3.5 days which i must say feels like an eternity...when you've been with someone for nearly 2 years and you've lived with them for 19 months, 3.5 days with little or no contact, and no physical presence, is a killer...

it's absolutely the hardest decision i have ever made and everyone keeps telling me that time will heal my pain, that i'm strong (wish i felt so), that it must be the right decision as i didn't make it quickly or lightly and that i will be ok...

i have moments where i believe that and then a wave of hurt and sadness washes over me and i feel helpless and sad and immobile :-(

thankfully my mum has been here and has been wonderful - looking after me, letting me cry, hugging me, feeding me (when i'll eat), generally being supportive and wonderful - pretty lucky for me really

i find myself questioning my decision in the times when i'm really sad and of course one of the reasons i think i went on for a while was the fear of what i am going through right now - which is frankly like a living nightmare

as i'm sure it is for ben too - and it pains me to know that i have caused him to be hurt and sad and thrown a spanner in his plans for right now...

i always used to think too that when you broke up with someone it was easier if you stopped loving them and caring about them immediately - stupidly as if you could simply flick a switch in your heart - how naive I was...

so universe please look after ben and i right now...

i'm am heartbroken and

sadder than i can even begin to talk about...

ben and i have broken up today after nearly 2 years, and i am now just lonely...sad...lonely...sad...lonely

no other way to describe it :-( and even though it was my decision it doesn't mean i'm happy about it or that it isn't causing me pain and that i don't love or care about him - coz i do, and deeply...but things just weren't working...so i suggested a break and he said he wasn't coming back - which i respect...

so now i have the arduous job of trying to get over the silence - even though he was a quiet person, my little flat just feels empty and dead without him here :-(

universe, if you are listening - please send both ben and i kindness right now as we move on...

thought of something i wanted

to write about, then promptly forgot...could i be getting old before my time?

or do i know what i want to write but have the internal sensor in overdrive?? she can be very influential this internal sensor or internal critic, as somedays she really is very critical :-(

so i was thinking of writing about co-dependance...i've had a great book about it on the shelf for years and have only recently picked it up - it's really quite interesting and in some ways scary! for a long time i held the view that i was 'different' in relationships (intimate ones that is, not the usual friendship ones) and i guess that's becoming more evident now - couple of things i have noticed about myself are quite clearly described in the book! and by different i mean, different to the me when i'm single...

so 2010 could be a year of personal development...

on another matter, work is going gangbusters and i did some revenue forecasts the other day - i think i surprised even myself about what is possible!

hope all my good friends/family have had a good start to 2010?

s
x

how do you know if you are broken?

seriously...how do you?

nothing seems to make me happy these days - and admittedly i have not had a great few months (bar a few amazingly lovely days over xmas/new year)...

methinks i need to have a good chat to my therapist coz i seem to be spending a lot of time focussing on things outside of 'me' that aren't happening or to my satisfaction, but then today i got to wondering if in fact they have changed a lot, or is it me - have i changed? have my expectations changed? have i become one of those negative people who has forgotten how to create her own happiness???

i hope not...

my gratitude journal...

will start here and when i get around to it, will be transferred to a hard copy journal, although i do like going back thru old posts to remember what was going on for me at different times!

ok, so three things i am grateful for today are:

• i got a call from two great ladies i met on a course in november. they want me to do some work with them in 2010 and beyond. they are both great people with an amazing vision and who share the values that are important to me...how exciting!
• ben told me a story today about one such job in ancient times in scotland: that of a 'hunchback'. this poor guy had to get water from a well, fill up a very big barrel and then transport this full barrel up to a castle - usually involved lots of carrying and lots of stairs...so i am grateful that i am now in a position where i can do the sort of work i love doing, where i can work with people i want to work with, and if i get sick, employment law (well it would if i didn't work for myself) would cover me! my point is that i love my job and that times have a changed!
• T2 Daintree tea - it really is the best tea on the planet...

ok, so not the best list of things to be grateful for, but a start...it'll get better i'm sure of it!

nite xx

it's been up and it's been down...

and as i continue to find the courage to speak up for me, i'm not sure how it will all turn out - what i hope is that it will turn out well, but only time will tell....

the ups are that i finally sorted out the study, and even though my desk is not yet the pristine surface i want, the room appears way bigger and there is more room on the shelves...amazing what moving a few piles of 'stuff' will do to a room!

i think 2010 is going to be a great year for my business - i have made lots of contacts and will be attending a number of key meetings/training sessions in the coming weeks - all of which will hopefully yield some interesting fun work...

being my own boss means i can take days off work just to enjoy the cricket - and not have to make up other seemingly more valid reasons to do so - this is a huge plus of working for myself!

i have joined ippa this week (international positive psychology association) and hope to meet some interesting people, learn more about positive psych and ultimately perhaps do some study in this area to incorporate into my coaching work...

i'm considering doing a short course (3 days) in march on 'positive psychology coaching' but i need to do a bit more research before i sign on the dotted line...

i have booked my flights for a few days in melbourne (to do one of the abovementioned training courses) in early feb. what will also be good about this trip is 3 nights with my sister and my nephew and neice - i don't get to see them that often so will be nice to see them on 3 consecutive days :-)

ok now i've been thinking about starting a private blog - one just for me to capture my own thoughts and struggles, but i figured that i could elude to some of my goals for 2010 here without going into all the sort of private detail and cathartic writing i may do there - i won't call them new years resolutions because usually by about my birthday (which is in 4 more sleeps)....so here goes:

• i'm going to try really hard not to read something into every little thing;
• i'm going to try really hard not to take everything personally;
• i'm going to re-instate the practice of my gratitude journal (coz it really does work);
• i'm going to redirect my energy away from the introspection and analysis to building and expanding my business (not to say i won't ever allow myself to be introspective, but i might try not to spend most of my day doing it)...

well i think they are 4 good things to start with and for me, they are huge - they might seem immaterial or no brainers to some of you, but for me, they represent a lot of my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life, and really, i absolutely do not have that much to complain about - sure there are some things i want to change, but doesn't everyone?

ok, on that note i'm going to sign off and head to bed...

nite xx

happy new year...

it's 2010...i've never been a fan of the 'noughties' - well the name 'noughties' anyway, so now i'm wondering what this decade will be called???

anyway, whatever they are called, hoping it's a good one - filled with health, happiness, friendship, love and fulfillment...

s
xx