seriously, what is happy? well as the heaviness of the last few weeks starts to lift i am starting to feel happy again...seems the new old sarah (the one who emerged after Ben but before him) is starting to find her feet again...
and it's nice! not shout from the roof tops crazy, just nice...comfortable and feels good...
it's a relief to me that after such a difficult year with multiple things going on, it may end on a more positive note...
i think going to canberra for xmas helped a lot! seems that the physical break from sydney has in some way, created an emotional/psychological break from all the 'crap' that was going on here, and i find myself enjoying my own company again, loving being back in my little home, enjoying pottering around and not even remotely inclined to hit the sales - this is definitely a good sign!
sooo as 2010 ends and 2011 approaches, i am feeling calmer, happier and more content than i have in a while...
so what is happy? i guess, like everything, it means different things to different people, but to me it's kinda simple - even though there are some (not that i value their unwanted input) that disagree, i am a simple girl at heart...the things that make me happy aren't expensive or hard to come by - on the contrary, they are the most simple...so i thought i'd note some of them here so that when i do have an 'off day' i can remind myself of the things that do make me happy (and i'm not talking about other people here - i'm talking about the things that i can find happiness in when i am on my own):
- the sun
- my little home
- exercise
- my tv shows
- a good cup of tea
- the cricket when we aren't getting belted
- reading
- pottering around
- music
- butterflies
- flowers
- a nap on the couch in the afternoon
- the smell of washing drying in the wind
and the list could go on, but my crumble is nearly ready (thanks Mum)...
sooo today is the first day in what feels like a LONG time that i have been happy - even the flashbacks to 'him' and the realisation that in less than a month it will be a year since Ben and I broke up - even they haven't managed to make me feel sad or angry today - nope, i am starting to feel happy again and that too is one of the things that makes me feel happy too...
so i'm now off to finish my near perfect day with some crumble and custard, a few episodes of The Good Wife and then an early night with my new book...
nice one!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
going away...
seems to be a great way to kick some habits...and i'm not gonna go into too much detail here but suffice it to say for a coupla months my therapist and i have been talking about this habit of mine to 'move away from myself' and 'towards others'.....sure it sounds cryptic and it's gonna stay that way, but this post is really more for me (most of them are, but i realise that on occasion i have an audience) and so when i look back i can remember what was going on...
sooo it seems the break away from sydney has been a great 'circuit breaker' (at least for now) in the 'communications' (if you could call them that) with him...and of course based on previous posts i can't actually name him but you know who i'm talking about....and if you don't, i do!
so i haven't heard from him since last tuesday, i've taken his number out of my phone again and honestly since last week when i went to canberra for xmas, i have had NO inclination to get in touch with him...and i don't know whether that will change as i settle back into life here at home, or as January (the time he suggested we reconvene after cancelling on me for the 3rd time) approaches....
but you know what? despite at times feeling very lonely at xmas (and this has NOTHING to do with him) i enjoyed being away, i enjoyed a change of scenery, i enjoyed our xmas day festivities and hanging out with my family, seeing friends i haven't seen for years and generally just 'getting away'...
i drove back to sydney (devastated to hear the wickets fall and with each falling wicket the hopes of Australia having even a fighting chance at making this series competitive) today and felt much better than i did last week...
sometimes distance (and time) really do provide a different perspective, so let's just hope i can hang onto that...
question is this: if (and when) he makes contact in January to organise the 're-convening' i wonder if it will still be important to me to catch up...or will i find myself moving 'away from him' rather than 'towards him'?? guess only time will tell!
sooo it seems the break away from sydney has been a great 'circuit breaker' (at least for now) in the 'communications' (if you could call them that) with him...and of course based on previous posts i can't actually name him but you know who i'm talking about....and if you don't, i do!
so i haven't heard from him since last tuesday, i've taken his number out of my phone again and honestly since last week when i went to canberra for xmas, i have had NO inclination to get in touch with him...and i don't know whether that will change as i settle back into life here at home, or as January (the time he suggested we reconvene after cancelling on me for the 3rd time) approaches....
but you know what? despite at times feeling very lonely at xmas (and this has NOTHING to do with him) i enjoyed being away, i enjoyed a change of scenery, i enjoyed our xmas day festivities and hanging out with my family, seeing friends i haven't seen for years and generally just 'getting away'...
i drove back to sydney (devastated to hear the wickets fall and with each falling wicket the hopes of Australia having even a fighting chance at making this series competitive) today and felt much better than i did last week...
sometimes distance (and time) really do provide a different perspective, so let's just hope i can hang onto that...
question is this: if (and when) he makes contact in January to organise the 're-convening' i wonder if it will still be important to me to catch up...or will i find myself moving 'away from him' rather than 'towards him'?? guess only time will tell!
Friday, December 24, 2010
another one....
another xmas single i mean by that...and sure for the last 2 i wasn't...even though last year i may as well have been...
soooooo yet another one with no one special to share it with...getting kinda boring i have to tell you...
although it was lovely to play backyard cricket with my dad and nephew today - both of them pretty good, me somewhere in between their respective abilities...
and mince pie action and plenty of it here at my Mum's...
but what i really want for xmas is to be over all this crap with 'him' (the one from the past, the one who turned up uninvited in november, the one who sends mixed messages and has turned out to be reliably unreliable) and to meet someone i actually want to spend a serious amount of time with, and someone who wants to be in a relationship in the same way i do...
soooo that's all i want for xmas so let's hope by this time next year that is a whole lot closer to reality!
merry xmas everyone xxxx
soooooo yet another one with no one special to share it with...getting kinda boring i have to tell you...
although it was lovely to play backyard cricket with my dad and nephew today - both of them pretty good, me somewhere in between their respective abilities...
and mince pie action and plenty of it here at my Mum's...
but what i really want for xmas is to be over all this crap with 'him' (the one from the past, the one who turned up uninvited in november, the one who sends mixed messages and has turned out to be reliably unreliable) and to meet someone i actually want to spend a serious amount of time with, and someone who wants to be in a relationship in the same way i do...
soooo that's all i want for xmas so let's hope by this time next year that is a whole lot closer to reality!
merry xmas everyone xxxx
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
perspective...
sooo tonight i got 2 new perspectives on the situation...one from my best friend and one from her hubby! both interesting and food for thought...
so KK's perspective is that he's flirting and likes the attention he's getting, even though i am not flirting with him and have made it very clear i'm not up for that....what she also said was that if i was a huge fat heffalump (lovely expression) that he wouldn't even be in contact with me....i have no idea if she's right, but she makes a good point....and really, where does that leave me?
her hubby's perspective is that he is living in the past, and that i should not let him know that i'm not over it (even if i'm not) and to tell him to get fucked (his words, not mine, but i have had that thought pop into my head on occasion)....simple and yet effective...
so as i crawl into bed exhausted (i am tired - seems between PMT, the full moon, the healing I had monday, i am just exhausted - had to drag myself on my walk/run today...still did it mind) i will contemplate the new perspectives....
thanks KK xxxx
so KK's perspective is that he's flirting and likes the attention he's getting, even though i am not flirting with him and have made it very clear i'm not up for that....what she also said was that if i was a huge fat heffalump (lovely expression) that he wouldn't even be in contact with me....i have no idea if she's right, but she makes a good point....and really, where does that leave me?
her hubby's perspective is that he is living in the past, and that i should not let him know that i'm not over it (even if i'm not) and to tell him to get fucked (his words, not mine, but i have had that thought pop into my head on occasion)....simple and yet effective...
so as i crawl into bed exhausted (i am tired - seems between PMT, the full moon, the healing I had monday, i am just exhausted - had to drag myself on my walk/run today...still did it mind) i will contemplate the new perspectives....
thanks KK xxxx
toe rag and dick wad...
you gotta love friends...really! so today was supposed to be the big day - lunch with you know who, so we could talk about what happened all those years ago...but of course he cancelled (i was fully expecting this and in fact it's kinda good as it has given me a much needed afternoon at home and some time to just potter)...
but a good friend of mine texted this morning to ask me if today was the 'big lunch' with the toe rag and when i told her that he had cancelled she replied with 'what a complete and utter dick wad'...
you gotta love friends, they are ALWAYS on your side and that's absolutely where you want them to be...
so instead of having my stuffed zucchini flowers, humpty doo baramundi and either apple & rhubarb crumble or some chocolate thing, i had rice cakes with homous and spinach followed by a small piece of last night's leftover blueberry pavlova...still a nice lunch, but not quite the same...
so he sends me a longish message explaining (and the compassionate side of me does think sure you're busy, it's xmas, your folks are here, you have kids etc etc) and asking if would do january....i didn't respond and hours later (yes, you got it right, another late night text) another text saying simple 'so?'....
really, has he not cottoned onto the fact that i am not in favour of his drunk texts? just because he is up and drinking at 12.20am (or later) why must he send me messages at that time??? i have made it clear that it's not really ok and yet still they come....
so i finally respond this morning with a short and probably not so sweet "inevitable and yet still disappointing"....
what else is one to say? really? couple of scenarios are playing out in my head - mainly the 'just get out of my life' continues to make an appearance in the list, the 'don't bother making contact with me until you actually have time to do this and properly' is another, and yet when it comes down to it, i say nothing and realise that asking him to leave my life now, when i haven't had the chance to say some stuff, is maybe not really what i want....why i feel the need to do this is anybody's guess...really!
soooo i'm back to the couch with my tea and NCIS, walk/run sometime this afternoon and then later, dinner with one of my best friends....
still, i think she's right this girlfriend and if he's not a toe rag (especially love that one) or a dick wad (don't really like that one), then i don't know what else to call him really, coz his behaviour is not exactly that of someone who genuinely cares and wants to hear my side of it all....
but a good friend of mine texted this morning to ask me if today was the 'big lunch' with the toe rag and when i told her that he had cancelled she replied with 'what a complete and utter dick wad'...
you gotta love friends, they are ALWAYS on your side and that's absolutely where you want them to be...
so instead of having my stuffed zucchini flowers, humpty doo baramundi and either apple & rhubarb crumble or some chocolate thing, i had rice cakes with homous and spinach followed by a small piece of last night's leftover blueberry pavlova...still a nice lunch, but not quite the same...
so he sends me a longish message explaining (and the compassionate side of me does think sure you're busy, it's xmas, your folks are here, you have kids etc etc) and asking if would do january....i didn't respond and hours later (yes, you got it right, another late night text) another text saying simple 'so?'....
really, has he not cottoned onto the fact that i am not in favour of his drunk texts? just because he is up and drinking at 12.20am (or later) why must he send me messages at that time??? i have made it clear that it's not really ok and yet still they come....
so i finally respond this morning with a short and probably not so sweet "inevitable and yet still disappointing"....
what else is one to say? really? couple of scenarios are playing out in my head - mainly the 'just get out of my life' continues to make an appearance in the list, the 'don't bother making contact with me until you actually have time to do this and properly' is another, and yet when it comes down to it, i say nothing and realise that asking him to leave my life now, when i haven't had the chance to say some stuff, is maybe not really what i want....why i feel the need to do this is anybody's guess...really!
soooo i'm back to the couch with my tea and NCIS, walk/run sometime this afternoon and then later, dinner with one of my best friends....
still, i think she's right this girlfriend and if he's not a toe rag (especially love that one) or a dick wad (don't really like that one), then i don't know what else to call him really, coz his behaviour is not exactly that of someone who genuinely cares and wants to hear my side of it all....
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
lunch is cancelled....
and not that i should be surprised, in fact when i saw that there was a text from him when i arrived home from my walk/run (which bloody well hurt today) i knew it was going to be him saying he couldn't make it...i just knew it wasn't going to go ahead, and as such i haven't even bothered to respond to his text...what is the point? seriously?
sooo i guess now i will have some more time to think about what it is that i want and i can really examine whether or not seeing him and trying to make him understand, is actually going to be helpful and help me move forward, or whether in fact it is going to make me feel like a witness on the stand (something i would NEVER knowingly put myself thru)....there is something inside of me that wants to make him understand, although i have no idea how i can do that....Bec and I talked about this some during my healing session and she thinks it's because it's my way and it will help me do better work....
so maybe it's a good thing he's cancelled...i wasn't even angry when i saw the text, even though i thought i would be...and even though he thinks i will be pissed off i'm actually not...resigned is more like it...
i am angry however that my sister, after talking to me today saw fit to send me an email telling me that she thought i was depressed and that i should get help - how fucking rude is that? if she was more in touch with my life, not that i want her to be, she would know that i have in fact been seeing my therapist again for a couple of months and that help actually comes in many forms (a lot of which i am relying on right now)....people like her with their 'labels' are one of the reasons why people keep quiet when they are having a difficult time and what makes mental illness such a bloody taboo subject...so having a couple of bad days and being angry which is my assessment of what is going on for me right now and she thinks it's ok to tell me i'm depressed - good job she isn't a therapist really....and sure, a couple months back i too was really frightened that i might actually be suffering from depression (and not because i would be ashamed to admit it) but because it was bloody hard...it gave me enormous empathy for anyone who does struggle with it...
and added to that i have pmt from hell, had the sort of conversation with Ben i hoped never to have (although it managed to right itself, i think, in the end) and some rather disturbing dreams which had me wake up in a panic (don't you hate that?)....of course it didn't help that i also woke up feeling as though a truck had not only hit me but run over me repeatedly...i was tired and sad from the moment i woke up and had i not had a client to see, i'm certain it would have been a good day to have a 'mental health day' - one where i would keep conversations to a minimum and only interact with my tv remote....
what i realised during the course of today though (coz i also managed to have a verbal outburst at a fellow driver - an inconsiderate one no less) is that i am really very angry....and it is somewhat alarming for me to say that because i don't like the way it feels or the dialogue (inner) that comes with it...nor do i like the control i let it have over me...
soooo i'm going to take myself off to bed, and ponder on what it is EXACTLY that is making me so angry....and maybe only then will it start to dissipate...
nite x
sooo i guess now i will have some more time to think about what it is that i want and i can really examine whether or not seeing him and trying to make him understand, is actually going to be helpful and help me move forward, or whether in fact it is going to make me feel like a witness on the stand (something i would NEVER knowingly put myself thru)....there is something inside of me that wants to make him understand, although i have no idea how i can do that....Bec and I talked about this some during my healing session and she thinks it's because it's my way and it will help me do better work....
so maybe it's a good thing he's cancelled...i wasn't even angry when i saw the text, even though i thought i would be...and even though he thinks i will be pissed off i'm actually not...resigned is more like it...
i am angry however that my sister, after talking to me today saw fit to send me an email telling me that she thought i was depressed and that i should get help - how fucking rude is that? if she was more in touch with my life, not that i want her to be, she would know that i have in fact been seeing my therapist again for a couple of months and that help actually comes in many forms (a lot of which i am relying on right now)....people like her with their 'labels' are one of the reasons why people keep quiet when they are having a difficult time and what makes mental illness such a bloody taboo subject...so having a couple of bad days and being angry which is my assessment of what is going on for me right now and she thinks it's ok to tell me i'm depressed - good job she isn't a therapist really....and sure, a couple months back i too was really frightened that i might actually be suffering from depression (and not because i would be ashamed to admit it) but because it was bloody hard...it gave me enormous empathy for anyone who does struggle with it...
and added to that i have pmt from hell, had the sort of conversation with Ben i hoped never to have (although it managed to right itself, i think, in the end) and some rather disturbing dreams which had me wake up in a panic (don't you hate that?)....of course it didn't help that i also woke up feeling as though a truck had not only hit me but run over me repeatedly...i was tired and sad from the moment i woke up and had i not had a client to see, i'm certain it would have been a good day to have a 'mental health day' - one where i would keep conversations to a minimum and only interact with my tv remote....
what i realised during the course of today though (coz i also managed to have a verbal outburst at a fellow driver - an inconsiderate one no less) is that i am really very angry....and it is somewhat alarming for me to say that because i don't like the way it feels or the dialogue (inner) that comes with it...nor do i like the control i let it have over me...
soooo i'm going to take myself off to bed, and ponder on what it is EXACTLY that is making me so angry....and maybe only then will it start to dissipate...
nite x
Monday, December 20, 2010
and i haven't
given him the details of the blog, despite numerous requests to do so...
and i don't see that changing anytime soon, if ever!
and i don't see that changing anytime soon, if ever!
the big 'get together' is drawing near
and i'm not talking about xmas with my family...
before that there is a whole other hurdle for me to get over and as it gets closer, i am starting to wonder if i am insane - and by insane, i mean completely and utterly mad to even contemplate the 'get together'....
and no, i'm not talking about the possible summer sex which has been canned (by me)...
i am talking about this compulsion i have to meet up with 'him' so we can talk about what happened...so it's an interesting one and compulsion is the word for it - i feel (on some level, and i talked to my healer about this today) that i need to try and make him understand, as only then will he realise the impact his actions had on me, and only then can i move forward...
am i mad? really...
also i'm a bit afraid...not afraid of him (on the contrary, i think he represents no physical threat to me whatsoever)...emotionally too i'm not sure there can be any more trauma associated with what happened...what i am really afraid of is that some part of me might actually like him....
i've been pretty straight with him in recent texts, admonishing him for late night texts, telling him he needs to be honest with me and stop giving me mixed messages, telling him when he says he's busy that he chose the time to drop into my life not me...so of course in the midst of this little dialogue he says 'you don't give a guy a chance do you' and you know what? i saw RED....how DARE he say such a thing to me when he has been less than reliable and from my perspective has treated this whole thing very lightly...his response to me asking him what he was thinking sending a late night text was 'xmas cheer'...to which i replied that would be ok if we were either dating or friends, but since we are NEITHER of those things, it's out of order...
i wonder why he doesn't get this? i talked to Bec about this today and she believes that he is stuck in his 13 year old boy when he is confronted with me, and until he starts to move past that....i'm afraid that the 13 year old boy in him will manage to find my 13 year old girl and then what might happen? she thinks it's possible that on some level (possibly unconscious) he is entertaining thoughts of sleeping with me....coz if he does, then it will make 'the past' ok....
of course it won't - NOTHING will make the past ok, but this is what i think i am up against...and now you know why i'm a little bit afraid....
but the courageous part of me, the part of me that wants to extinguish the anger that has for so long been inside of me, the part of me that wants to be able to move forward....she wants to meet up with him and confront him...
sooo wonder who will turn up on wednesday???
before that there is a whole other hurdle for me to get over and as it gets closer, i am starting to wonder if i am insane - and by insane, i mean completely and utterly mad to even contemplate the 'get together'....
and no, i'm not talking about the possible summer sex which has been canned (by me)...
i am talking about this compulsion i have to meet up with 'him' so we can talk about what happened...so it's an interesting one and compulsion is the word for it - i feel (on some level, and i talked to my healer about this today) that i need to try and make him understand, as only then will he realise the impact his actions had on me, and only then can i move forward...
am i mad? really...
also i'm a bit afraid...not afraid of him (on the contrary, i think he represents no physical threat to me whatsoever)...emotionally too i'm not sure there can be any more trauma associated with what happened...what i am really afraid of is that some part of me might actually like him....
i've been pretty straight with him in recent texts, admonishing him for late night texts, telling him he needs to be honest with me and stop giving me mixed messages, telling him when he says he's busy that he chose the time to drop into my life not me...so of course in the midst of this little dialogue he says 'you don't give a guy a chance do you' and you know what? i saw RED....how DARE he say such a thing to me when he has been less than reliable and from my perspective has treated this whole thing very lightly...his response to me asking him what he was thinking sending a late night text was 'xmas cheer'...to which i replied that would be ok if we were either dating or friends, but since we are NEITHER of those things, it's out of order...
i wonder why he doesn't get this? i talked to Bec about this today and she believes that he is stuck in his 13 year old boy when he is confronted with me, and until he starts to move past that....i'm afraid that the 13 year old boy in him will manage to find my 13 year old girl and then what might happen? she thinks it's possible that on some level (possibly unconscious) he is entertaining thoughts of sleeping with me....coz if he does, then it will make 'the past' ok....
of course it won't - NOTHING will make the past ok, but this is what i think i am up against...and now you know why i'm a little bit afraid....
but the courageous part of me, the part of me that wants to extinguish the anger that has for so long been inside of me, the part of me that wants to be able to move forward....she wants to meet up with him and confront him...
sooo wonder who will turn up on wednesday???
p.s. i love cricket...
so in keeping with the theme of my earlier post, my gorgeous nephew Daniel rang me this afternoon to tell me that he had been given an award....for his fast bowling! how proud am i? how excited am i that he wanted to share it with me? very and very is the answer..
can't wait to see him for xmas and some backyard cricket!
had to share, am v v v excited for him!
can't wait to see him for xmas and some backyard cricket!
had to share, am v v v excited for him!
i love cricket...
yep, and some people will just think that's sad, but it's in my blood! i come from a line of cricket loving men (my grandfather, dad, uncle (real and chosen)...)...i say men because i think, on the whole, the women in my family tolerate, rather than love cricket!
not me! i LOVE it...i love nothing more (well that's not entirely true...) than knowing that i can watch (either live or on tele) most sessions of a test match...
sure, i can see you rolling your eyes as you read this, especially if you aren't english or australian, or from any other cricket playing nation! but it's true...i love it...and not the 20-20 or one day stuff, the real stuff - the purists cricket which is how we cricket tragics refer to test match cricket...
i can't even remember my earliest memories of cricket but i know from an early age it's been a part of my summers...one of my favourite photos of my Dad is one where he is on the way to the Adelaide Test in either 1975 or 1976 (green metal esky in tow...)...i'm sure as a kid i was taken to cricket matches, and there was plenty of backyard or street cricket with other kids...of course i only loved batting but as i have gotten older i have realised that batting isn't the only source of glory and adornment in cricket!
i grew up in Yorkshire which has a very proud cricketing history, so no doubt, it wasn't really optional to like cricket - one just did :-) and that is just fine with me...
funny though how you can love something so much but understand so little about it...and don't get me wrong, i understand cricket very well (for a chic!) but up until a few years ago i don't think i'd realised what a mental game it is, i didn't understand the tactics, or the strategy at times, and i'm certain i still have a lot to learn, but as i'm only 41, i have plenty of time!
and i know there are people out there who can think of nothing worse than watching a game that goes for 5 days and still doesn't get a result...and i can see that, as i sometimes find a draw frustrating myself, but that's just cricket! and not like i favour any australian captain who sees fit to play for a draw when a win could be achieved, but still, sometimes you get what you get...
some of my happiest times with people i love have involved cricket! around 12 years ago, myself, my dad, my uncle and his mate sparra, started going to the Sydney test for the first 2 days - it became a tradition and so i would look forward to the 2nd/3rd (3rd and 4th this coming year!) of January knowing that a great 2 days would be had...
we quickly got into a routine - sparra's wife and my mum would 'cater' for the outing (even though i was the only girl to get a guernsey), campbell would spend a lot of time on the phone, dad would wander off to the TAB and sparra and i would find ourselves watching the cricket! enjoying the game unfold...him and i formed quite a special bond during these 2 days of the year when we got to see each other, and i never manage to get thru the gates of the SCG without thinking about him (RIP my good friend, I miss you)...
one of the best days we ever had was the day Darren Gough got a hat trick (the only hat trick on the SCG between Australia and England in the 20th century!)...and what a fabulous day of cricket that was...the batting was a display, the bowling improved as the day went on and a spectator near to us gave us plenty to laugh about...he left before the hat trick and so missed one of the SCG's most historic moments (shame...)....and on that day the saying 'and the procession continues' was born! to this day, even though our dear mate sparra is no longer with us (physically), the rest of us still smile when we remember that day...
the evenings were often more fun than the cricket (especially if Australia were getting belted) as we would head up from the ground to Micky's on Oxford St or other venues of choice and disect the game...for hours! hard to believe you can watch a game and then sit around and talk about it for hours afterwards...and then turn around and do it all again the next day...
but that's just what we do! that's why (i guess) it's called a tradition, and i can't wait for when my Daniel (nephew) is old enough to join in on this tradition...
i don't just love going to or watching the cricket, i love talking about it too - i have a couple of mates (i call them mates coz almost NONE of my girlfriends like cricket) who i talk cricket with...that's fun too! the hypothesising, the slagging (wouldn't be australian if we didn't do this on occasion), questioning the decisions of the infinitely challenged selectors board etc...
over the years i have had the privelege to see many great cricketers, and matches, and some of my favourites (in no particular order bar 1 and 2) would be Steve Waugh (my all time number one cricketer), Sachin Tendulkar (my favourite batsmen without a doubt), Jacques Kallis (that wonderful all rounder), Darren Gough, Shane Warne, Adam Gilchrist, Damien Martyn, Michael Clarke, Michael Slater, Shane Watson, Rahul Dravid, Gus Logie, Graeme Smith, Daniel Vettori, Brendon McCullum...of late I am loving Ryan Harris and Mitchell Johnson...
so i'm calling stumps on this post now - and that reminds me of the other thing i love about cricket! the terminology...wickets, stumps, bails, LBW, silly mid off, backward square leg, fine leg, deep fine leg, mid wicket - what other game has such funny language??
sooo thanks to all those cricketers who make my summer afternoons just perfect, and bring on Melbourne! go boys :-)
not me! i LOVE it...i love nothing more (well that's not entirely true...) than knowing that i can watch (either live or on tele) most sessions of a test match...
sure, i can see you rolling your eyes as you read this, especially if you aren't english or australian, or from any other cricket playing nation! but it's true...i love it...and not the 20-20 or one day stuff, the real stuff - the purists cricket which is how we cricket tragics refer to test match cricket...
i can't even remember my earliest memories of cricket but i know from an early age it's been a part of my summers...one of my favourite photos of my Dad is one where he is on the way to the Adelaide Test in either 1975 or 1976 (green metal esky in tow...)...i'm sure as a kid i was taken to cricket matches, and there was plenty of backyard or street cricket with other kids...of course i only loved batting but as i have gotten older i have realised that batting isn't the only source of glory and adornment in cricket!
i grew up in Yorkshire which has a very proud cricketing history, so no doubt, it wasn't really optional to like cricket - one just did :-) and that is just fine with me...
funny though how you can love something so much but understand so little about it...and don't get me wrong, i understand cricket very well (for a chic!) but up until a few years ago i don't think i'd realised what a mental game it is, i didn't understand the tactics, or the strategy at times, and i'm certain i still have a lot to learn, but as i'm only 41, i have plenty of time!
and i know there are people out there who can think of nothing worse than watching a game that goes for 5 days and still doesn't get a result...and i can see that, as i sometimes find a draw frustrating myself, but that's just cricket! and not like i favour any australian captain who sees fit to play for a draw when a win could be achieved, but still, sometimes you get what you get...
some of my happiest times with people i love have involved cricket! around 12 years ago, myself, my dad, my uncle and his mate sparra, started going to the Sydney test for the first 2 days - it became a tradition and so i would look forward to the 2nd/3rd (3rd and 4th this coming year!) of January knowing that a great 2 days would be had...
we quickly got into a routine - sparra's wife and my mum would 'cater' for the outing (even though i was the only girl to get a guernsey), campbell would spend a lot of time on the phone, dad would wander off to the TAB and sparra and i would find ourselves watching the cricket! enjoying the game unfold...him and i formed quite a special bond during these 2 days of the year when we got to see each other, and i never manage to get thru the gates of the SCG without thinking about him (RIP my good friend, I miss you)...
one of the best days we ever had was the day Darren Gough got a hat trick (the only hat trick on the SCG between Australia and England in the 20th century!)...and what a fabulous day of cricket that was...the batting was a display, the bowling improved as the day went on and a spectator near to us gave us plenty to laugh about...he left before the hat trick and so missed one of the SCG's most historic moments (shame...)....and on that day the saying 'and the procession continues' was born! to this day, even though our dear mate sparra is no longer with us (physically), the rest of us still smile when we remember that day...
the evenings were often more fun than the cricket (especially if Australia were getting belted) as we would head up from the ground to Micky's on Oxford St or other venues of choice and disect the game...for hours! hard to believe you can watch a game and then sit around and talk about it for hours afterwards...and then turn around and do it all again the next day...
but that's just what we do! that's why (i guess) it's called a tradition, and i can't wait for when my Daniel (nephew) is old enough to join in on this tradition...
i don't just love going to or watching the cricket, i love talking about it too - i have a couple of mates (i call them mates coz almost NONE of my girlfriends like cricket) who i talk cricket with...that's fun too! the hypothesising, the slagging (wouldn't be australian if we didn't do this on occasion), questioning the decisions of the infinitely challenged selectors board etc...
over the years i have had the privelege to see many great cricketers, and matches, and some of my favourites (in no particular order bar 1 and 2) would be Steve Waugh (my all time number one cricketer), Sachin Tendulkar (my favourite batsmen without a doubt), Jacques Kallis (that wonderful all rounder), Darren Gough, Shane Warne, Adam Gilchrist, Damien Martyn, Michael Clarke, Michael Slater, Shane Watson, Rahul Dravid, Gus Logie, Graeme Smith, Daniel Vettori, Brendon McCullum...of late I am loving Ryan Harris and Mitchell Johnson...
so i'm calling stumps on this post now - and that reminds me of the other thing i love about cricket! the terminology...wickets, stumps, bails, LBW, silly mid off, backward square leg, fine leg, deep fine leg, mid wicket - what other game has such funny language??
sooo thanks to all those cricketers who make my summer afternoons just perfect, and bring on Melbourne! go boys :-)
Sunday, December 19, 2010
3, 2, 1....
so i saw not 1 but 3 butterflies on my walk/run today :-) i do love a butterfly...
i have had 2 good nights sleep in a row which must surely make it a new record, especially of late...let's hope it continues...
and 1 day where i have struggled, and i mean really really struggled....despite the aussies belting the poms, despite spending a lovely evening with my girlfriend Em, and despite having found time to clean my lovely little house...today has been one of those days where i have just struggled to keep it all together...one where i spent the first hour crying in bed and one where i knew if i didn't just get up and get started, the entire could have passed like that :-(
i woke up and realised that yet another xmas, new year and birthday are likely to pass without me having someone special to share them with...and you know what, i sometimes really really don't get how it's possible that i should be single....
it could be that it's sunday (sundays have a way of making me feel acutely single...seems other days there is something else to focus on, but sundays must be, in my head anyway, the day that people spend with their partner...??) and it could be pmt, or it could just be this time of year...
i am prone to introspection and reflection at the best of times, but as an introvert and capricorn, this time of year is always when i find a way to focus on everything i don't have (and it's really only one thing...that elusive special relationship) rather than looking back over the year and celebrating the successes that i have had...of which there have been many, but recounting them here is not what this post is about...and honestly, i'm sad and tired and don't reckon i'd do a good job of it anyway...
and within the next week i'll undoubtedly get around to my 'year in review' post and in it, i can spell out what 2010 has been for me...well i can give you a preview right now: it's been the most difficult year i can remember on so many fronts, and some days (like today) i wake up and wonder if it is ever going to get easier...i wonder sometimes when some good luck is going to come my way, when all the good karma that i have put out there is going to come back to me...and mostly, when i am going to feel happy with my lot...
and don't get me wrong, coz i am GRATEFUL for a whole stack of stuff in my life...but somehow i have this belief that until i have someone special to share it all with, the stack of great stuff doesn't hold much meaning...and i'm not saying i like this belief, or that i believe it when i review it with my head (rather than my heart)...but it's a belief all the same and one that seems to plague me more at this time of year than any other...
i'm sad too that when i recount the story of 'him' and his behaviour in recent weeks to Em (we hadn't caught up for 2 weeks so she asked what was going on and whether or not i had in fact seen him again) she is horrified by his behaviour, his unreliability, but above all his inconsiderate nature towards me....as i sense her disgust, i start to feel it too...and then i start to feel bad...bad that i have let him come back into my life and let him treat me this way....and wondering why i have this compulsion (no other word for it) to not ask him to leave yet....of course if he really wanted to be friends, we would do things that friends do right? he wouldn't text me in the middle of the night, or call when he's drunk...he would call when he says he's going to, he wouldn't flirt with me or be suggestive...nope, none of these are things that friends do....
so i wonder if i'm ever going to work out where this compulsion is coming from....i hope so, coz it seems to have plagued me for weeks...:-(
sooo as i look forward to crawling into a freshly made bed (lovely) and know that i don't have to wake up to an alarm clock (bliss)...i am going to ponder on this belief of mine which often makes me feel like a failure and sometimes gets in my way...and also look at what having him in my life actually means and whether it's a compulsion or a choice....
nite
x
i have had 2 good nights sleep in a row which must surely make it a new record, especially of late...let's hope it continues...
and 1 day where i have struggled, and i mean really really struggled....despite the aussies belting the poms, despite spending a lovely evening with my girlfriend Em, and despite having found time to clean my lovely little house...today has been one of those days where i have just struggled to keep it all together...one where i spent the first hour crying in bed and one where i knew if i didn't just get up and get started, the entire could have passed like that :-(
i woke up and realised that yet another xmas, new year and birthday are likely to pass without me having someone special to share them with...and you know what, i sometimes really really don't get how it's possible that i should be single....
it could be that it's sunday (sundays have a way of making me feel acutely single...seems other days there is something else to focus on, but sundays must be, in my head anyway, the day that people spend with their partner...??) and it could be pmt, or it could just be this time of year...
i am prone to introspection and reflection at the best of times, but as an introvert and capricorn, this time of year is always when i find a way to focus on everything i don't have (and it's really only one thing...that elusive special relationship) rather than looking back over the year and celebrating the successes that i have had...of which there have been many, but recounting them here is not what this post is about...and honestly, i'm sad and tired and don't reckon i'd do a good job of it anyway...
and within the next week i'll undoubtedly get around to my 'year in review' post and in it, i can spell out what 2010 has been for me...well i can give you a preview right now: it's been the most difficult year i can remember on so many fronts, and some days (like today) i wake up and wonder if it is ever going to get easier...i wonder sometimes when some good luck is going to come my way, when all the good karma that i have put out there is going to come back to me...and mostly, when i am going to feel happy with my lot...
and don't get me wrong, coz i am GRATEFUL for a whole stack of stuff in my life...but somehow i have this belief that until i have someone special to share it all with, the stack of great stuff doesn't hold much meaning...and i'm not saying i like this belief, or that i believe it when i review it with my head (rather than my heart)...but it's a belief all the same and one that seems to plague me more at this time of year than any other...
i'm sad too that when i recount the story of 'him' and his behaviour in recent weeks to Em (we hadn't caught up for 2 weeks so she asked what was going on and whether or not i had in fact seen him again) she is horrified by his behaviour, his unreliability, but above all his inconsiderate nature towards me....as i sense her disgust, i start to feel it too...and then i start to feel bad...bad that i have let him come back into my life and let him treat me this way....and wondering why i have this compulsion (no other word for it) to not ask him to leave yet....of course if he really wanted to be friends, we would do things that friends do right? he wouldn't text me in the middle of the night, or call when he's drunk...he would call when he says he's going to, he wouldn't flirt with me or be suggestive...nope, none of these are things that friends do....
so i wonder if i'm ever going to work out where this compulsion is coming from....i hope so, coz it seems to have plagued me for weeks...:-(
sooo as i look forward to crawling into a freshly made bed (lovely) and know that i don't have to wake up to an alarm clock (bliss)...i am going to ponder on this belief of mine which often makes me feel like a failure and sometimes gets in my way...and also look at what having him in my life actually means and whether it's a compulsion or a choice....
nite
x
Saturday, December 18, 2010
so do you want to talk...
seems he doesn't...after asking me this question in the middle of the night a coupla nights ago, it would appear that HE doesn't want to talk....
i'm starting to think that he is fucking with my head, and i don't like it...i don't like it one little bit...
so boy am i gonna be doing some talking when he finally does want to talk...and i don't think he's gonna like it...
i'm starting to think that he is fucking with my head, and i don't like it...i don't like it one little bit...
so boy am i gonna be doing some talking when he finally does want to talk...and i don't think he's gonna like it...
pregnant pauses or uncomfortable silences...
i don't care what you call them, but with some people i don't like them...not only do i not like them but they drive me crazy - literally, actually and it's time for me to confront this little demon...
i don't know if i have been able to talk about this on here before, but with my new found voice and the realisation that i really DO need to work through this, now seems as good a time as any...my universe is already in a state of chaos and flux where every day a new realisation seems to arrive, so this one can be thrown into the mix right?
and sure i probably haven't talked about it too much because i am, in fact, embarrassed about it and even ashamed :-(
turns out that one great byproducts of being a therapist is you get to hear other people's stories, none of which will EVER be mentioned here in such a way as to a) be identifying or b) to break confidence but it turns out that whilst this particular aspect of self/behaviour drives me crazy and to lengths i ordinarily wouldn't even consider going to...seems other women (and maybe men) do this too....
big sigh of relief...must mean i am normal :-)
anyway, even if i am 'normal' (whatever that actually means) i would like for this not to be the way of things...
soooo here it is...when i'm in the middle of a 'conversation' with someone and they suddenly disappear it drives me nuts...and not 'oh he must be busy' nuts, but 'what did i do to make them go silent' nuts...seems i take this all very personally and start to wonder what I must have done, when probably it's nothing, but since this is a pattern of mine with men (funny it's only with me...and I don't mean funny ha ha!) i am intrigued
soo it would seem that i take all the responsibility for the silence and once it has become all about me i turn myself inside and out wondering what has made them go silent and reading things over and over again until i feel as though i have found an answer...but invariably all that happens is i find myself exhausted, and a little bit manic and no clearer on what just happened...
seems that when this happens, i feel compelled to either have the last word or have that 'conversation' resume, even if it was a stupid meaningless conversation (as most of them seem to be)....why oh why has this become something i do? i have let whatever belief is sitting underneath all this turn me into a crazed and obsessive woman (and i don't like her, i can tell you that for free)...
and the timing of this post obviously co-incides with 'him' going silent yet again...seems he does this with alarming frequency but this time i'm really angry about it...we were in conversation about him needing to show me a sign i could trust him (in order to share something with him), he goes quiet, texts me at 1am ish and then goes quiet after i respond....yet again, he thinks it's ok to just 'pop' into my life when it suits him and then disappear...well i don't like it! i have NEVER been a fan of the 'drop in' and to me his arrival in my life has just been one unwelcome drop in after another...
so now the big question: why do i continue to allow it to happen, and herein lies one of the great mysteries of my life...
is it this need for the last word? the upper hand? the power?
i don't know, but they all do seem to resonate with me on some level, soooo yet again, his arrival has forced me to look at yet another aspect of myself, and i'm not sure yet whether this has anything to do with what happened between us...maybe it does, maybe it doesn't?
it's getting exhausting i can tell you that!
i think there are probably multiple things at play here - abandonment is one theme, inappropriateness is another, see sometimes i feel as though when people are available and then not, it's because they feel they've gone to far and then withdraw...and sure, i get that....but do they think that maybe they shouldn't get themselves 'too far' in the first place?? what i mean by this is that when it suits him he will text back and forth, and then all of a sudden he retreats....
funny, i often have big insights whilst typing the blog (that's one of the reasons i do it after all)...and this is no different...i think what this sort of a situation leaves me feeling is 'disempowered' and the silence is deafening...seems that having been silent for so long, i don't actually like silence when it's being imposed on me (and here comes another realisation)...
so the question is this: in this particular case, with this particular 'him' who seems to want the power in the texting relationship (and that's about all we can call it really...), where does that leave me? or perhaps more pointedly, where do I allow myself to be left?
the question is this: what do i think it says about me when these pregnant pauses or uncomfortable silences arise?? big question for a saturday morning....
i don't know if i have been able to talk about this on here before, but with my new found voice and the realisation that i really DO need to work through this, now seems as good a time as any...my universe is already in a state of chaos and flux where every day a new realisation seems to arrive, so this one can be thrown into the mix right?
and sure i probably haven't talked about it too much because i am, in fact, embarrassed about it and even ashamed :-(
turns out that one great byproducts of being a therapist is you get to hear other people's stories, none of which will EVER be mentioned here in such a way as to a) be identifying or b) to break confidence but it turns out that whilst this particular aspect of self/behaviour drives me crazy and to lengths i ordinarily wouldn't even consider going to...seems other women (and maybe men) do this too....
big sigh of relief...must mean i am normal :-)
anyway, even if i am 'normal' (whatever that actually means) i would like for this not to be the way of things...
soooo here it is...when i'm in the middle of a 'conversation' with someone and they suddenly disappear it drives me nuts...and not 'oh he must be busy' nuts, but 'what did i do to make them go silent' nuts...seems i take this all very personally and start to wonder what I must have done, when probably it's nothing, but since this is a pattern of mine with men (funny it's only with me...and I don't mean funny ha ha!) i am intrigued
soo it would seem that i take all the responsibility for the silence and once it has become all about me i turn myself inside and out wondering what has made them go silent and reading things over and over again until i feel as though i have found an answer...but invariably all that happens is i find myself exhausted, and a little bit manic and no clearer on what just happened...
seems that when this happens, i feel compelled to either have the last word or have that 'conversation' resume, even if it was a stupid meaningless conversation (as most of them seem to be)....why oh why has this become something i do? i have let whatever belief is sitting underneath all this turn me into a crazed and obsessive woman (and i don't like her, i can tell you that for free)...
and the timing of this post obviously co-incides with 'him' going silent yet again...seems he does this with alarming frequency but this time i'm really angry about it...we were in conversation about him needing to show me a sign i could trust him (in order to share something with him), he goes quiet, texts me at 1am ish and then goes quiet after i respond....yet again, he thinks it's ok to just 'pop' into my life when it suits him and then disappear...well i don't like it! i have NEVER been a fan of the 'drop in' and to me his arrival in my life has just been one unwelcome drop in after another...
so now the big question: why do i continue to allow it to happen, and herein lies one of the great mysteries of my life...
is it this need for the last word? the upper hand? the power?
i don't know, but they all do seem to resonate with me on some level, soooo yet again, his arrival has forced me to look at yet another aspect of myself, and i'm not sure yet whether this has anything to do with what happened between us...maybe it does, maybe it doesn't?
it's getting exhausting i can tell you that!
i think there are probably multiple things at play here - abandonment is one theme, inappropriateness is another, see sometimes i feel as though when people are available and then not, it's because they feel they've gone to far and then withdraw...and sure, i get that....but do they think that maybe they shouldn't get themselves 'too far' in the first place?? what i mean by this is that when it suits him he will text back and forth, and then all of a sudden he retreats....
funny, i often have big insights whilst typing the blog (that's one of the reasons i do it after all)...and this is no different...i think what this sort of a situation leaves me feeling is 'disempowered' and the silence is deafening...seems that having been silent for so long, i don't actually like silence when it's being imposed on me (and here comes another realisation)...
so the question is this: in this particular case, with this particular 'him' who seems to want the power in the texting relationship (and that's about all we can call it really...), where does that leave me? or perhaps more pointedly, where do I allow myself to be left?
the question is this: what do i think it says about me when these pregnant pauses or uncomfortable silences arise?? big question for a saturday morning....
Friday, December 17, 2010
it may just be exhaustion...
but i'm feeling a bit sad tonight...
despite a great days cricket from the Aussies (go Mitch!)...and a lovely catch up with a friend and her baby, and a relaxing acupuncture session (he told me what i already knew...that i was exhausted)...i am a bit sad...
and i'm trying to 'stay with it' as my therapist would say, and in fact, what i would say to clients too, so not just her! but i don't really like being sad...
then again, it's been one of the most difficult years of my life and as i think back to this time last year, when things with Ben had already falling royally apart (despite us still being together), it just makes me sad...sad that i am about to face yet another xmas, new year and birthday on my own...and sure this time of year sometimes makes me feel morose, even though i love xmas, and am looking forward to hanging out with my family for a few days, and catching up with old friends (loads of people i love live in canberra) and then enjoying some cricket...
i'm still sad :-(
i didn't sleep well last night either, and that might be because me and 'him' were having a text conversation (well we were until he disappeared mid conversation - seems this is a theme with some men in my life...) about what i needed from him...in order that i divulge the blog details...
so imagine my surprise when i wake up before 6am to find a text message had come in from him at 1.38am asking if i wanted to talk...what the hell is he playing at? and no doubt he had been drinking (i think i need to ban people texting me when they have been drinking, coz he is not the first person to do this in recent weeks - an ex of mine did the same thing the other week after a work xmas party...)....
so of course i respond asking what he's up to, and nothing but silence...all day, nothing! so in part some of my mood tonight is due to the 'questions' that his behaviour starts me thinking about...and honestly i don't think he's playing fair...
happily married men do NOT just text friends at 1.38am in the morning asking if they want to talk...
and no, i have not given him the blog details...not sure whether i will or not, but i am erring on not...
sooo i don't have the answers to the questions that his behaviour poses in my head...i'm starting to formulate some answers, but that just leads to more questions and i don't really like what the answers i am coming up with are telling me...
sooo as the year draws to a close, and i reflect on what 2010 has been, i find myself hoping that this time next year, things look a whole lot different....
nite x
despite a great days cricket from the Aussies (go Mitch!)...and a lovely catch up with a friend and her baby, and a relaxing acupuncture session (he told me what i already knew...that i was exhausted)...i am a bit sad...
and i'm trying to 'stay with it' as my therapist would say, and in fact, what i would say to clients too, so not just her! but i don't really like being sad...
then again, it's been one of the most difficult years of my life and as i think back to this time last year, when things with Ben had already falling royally apart (despite us still being together), it just makes me sad...sad that i am about to face yet another xmas, new year and birthday on my own...and sure this time of year sometimes makes me feel morose, even though i love xmas, and am looking forward to hanging out with my family for a few days, and catching up with old friends (loads of people i love live in canberra) and then enjoying some cricket...
i'm still sad :-(
i didn't sleep well last night either, and that might be because me and 'him' were having a text conversation (well we were until he disappeared mid conversation - seems this is a theme with some men in my life...) about what i needed from him...in order that i divulge the blog details...
so imagine my surprise when i wake up before 6am to find a text message had come in from him at 1.38am asking if i wanted to talk...what the hell is he playing at? and no doubt he had been drinking (i think i need to ban people texting me when they have been drinking, coz he is not the first person to do this in recent weeks - an ex of mine did the same thing the other week after a work xmas party...)....
so of course i respond asking what he's up to, and nothing but silence...all day, nothing! so in part some of my mood tonight is due to the 'questions' that his behaviour starts me thinking about...and honestly i don't think he's playing fair...
happily married men do NOT just text friends at 1.38am in the morning asking if they want to talk...
and no, i have not given him the blog details...not sure whether i will or not, but i am erring on not...
sooo i don't have the answers to the questions that his behaviour poses in my head...i'm starting to formulate some answers, but that just leads to more questions and i don't really like what the answers i am coming up with are telling me...
sooo as the year draws to a close, and i reflect on what 2010 has been, i find myself hoping that this time next year, things look a whole lot different....
nite x
Thursday, December 16, 2010
to be or not to be...
that is the question....actually, it's not! the real question is whether or not to share with him (again) the details of the blog....but i always did love shakespeare and, if i'm honest, a touch of the dramatic!
so i have to come clean with something....when we went to the beach, we came back here for tea, caught up on old times and for some reason i let him read the blog post from the night before....so then he read a couple of them and then i assumed (correctly it now turns out) that he would have misplaced the URL...i look back and think 'what the fuck was i thinking?' and of course with the hindsight of 4 weeks i know EXACTLY what i was thinking...
but in recent weeks as the posts have become very much an externalisation of what's going on in my head, i have wondered if he still had the details...and i am very proud of myself, because usually this sort of concern would stop me writing exactly what i felt needed to be written (see post about the inner critic)...nope, not this time...and of course, assuming he may still have the details, some of the posts are actually written (in part) as if they are addressed to him...
sooo in our conversation yesterday i enquired as to whether he still had the details and he said he hadn't, and that pleased me...actually i think i was relieved....but then of course, was it wise to ask? probably not, because now he has asked for the details all over again and honestly, i'm torn as to whether or not to share them...
so right now my biggest desire (other than to stop feeling angry, to work on my beliefs, to be able to trust again, all of which i need to work on myself) is that he understand what impact his actions have had on me - and i mean TRULY understand what it has like to be Sarah for the last 29 years.....and i'm unsure as to what exactly is driving this wish, but it's there and it seems as the days wear on it's gaining more and more momentum and it seems now, quite important...and i think that's because despite the things he may have said and why he claims to have turned up, there really isn't much he can do, but it would show me how serious he is about his guilt if he were to attempt to understand how it's been...to hear me (simple and yet very very powerful given what transpired)...
now, this won't be easy to achieve! i get that, but when do i ever set myself goals that are a piece of cake? i don't....but it occurs to me that him reading through my roller coaster of emotions (and it has been everything from dark dark nights to light ramblings of a somewhat crazy gal) over the last 4 weeks might actually help him to get what is going on for me...
and sure there is a part of me that thinks that i should be able to tell him all of this face to face, but you know what? i don't think i can....see in some way he is the reason i don't trust myself with men, with myself, and because of what happened between us i became silent....so trying to find my voice in his presence is incredibly difficult and even i am not sure i am up for that...my fear is that he will try to diminish the experience, that he will judge me, that he will have that incredulous look when i say something....or worse use his 3 minutes of counselling training on me...
and of course as i type this, i realise that perhaps that is a very compelling reason why i should attempt to find the courage (dutch or otherwise) to say it all to his face...of course, the blog would be an easy way out....for both of us..
so to be or not to be, that really is the question??
so i have to come clean with something....when we went to the beach, we came back here for tea, caught up on old times and for some reason i let him read the blog post from the night before....so then he read a couple of them and then i assumed (correctly it now turns out) that he would have misplaced the URL...i look back and think 'what the fuck was i thinking?' and of course with the hindsight of 4 weeks i know EXACTLY what i was thinking...
but in recent weeks as the posts have become very much an externalisation of what's going on in my head, i have wondered if he still had the details...and i am very proud of myself, because usually this sort of concern would stop me writing exactly what i felt needed to be written (see post about the inner critic)...nope, not this time...and of course, assuming he may still have the details, some of the posts are actually written (in part) as if they are addressed to him...
sooo in our conversation yesterday i enquired as to whether he still had the details and he said he hadn't, and that pleased me...actually i think i was relieved....but then of course, was it wise to ask? probably not, because now he has asked for the details all over again and honestly, i'm torn as to whether or not to share them...
so right now my biggest desire (other than to stop feeling angry, to work on my beliefs, to be able to trust again, all of which i need to work on myself) is that he understand what impact his actions have had on me - and i mean TRULY understand what it has like to be Sarah for the last 29 years.....and i'm unsure as to what exactly is driving this wish, but it's there and it seems as the days wear on it's gaining more and more momentum and it seems now, quite important...and i think that's because despite the things he may have said and why he claims to have turned up, there really isn't much he can do, but it would show me how serious he is about his guilt if he were to attempt to understand how it's been...to hear me (simple and yet very very powerful given what transpired)...
now, this won't be easy to achieve! i get that, but when do i ever set myself goals that are a piece of cake? i don't....but it occurs to me that him reading through my roller coaster of emotions (and it has been everything from dark dark nights to light ramblings of a somewhat crazy gal) over the last 4 weeks might actually help him to get what is going on for me...
and sure there is a part of me that thinks that i should be able to tell him all of this face to face, but you know what? i don't think i can....see in some way he is the reason i don't trust myself with men, with myself, and because of what happened between us i became silent....so trying to find my voice in his presence is incredibly difficult and even i am not sure i am up for that...my fear is that he will try to diminish the experience, that he will judge me, that he will have that incredulous look when i say something....or worse use his 3 minutes of counselling training on me...
and of course as i type this, i realise that perhaps that is a very compelling reason why i should attempt to find the courage (dutch or otherwise) to say it all to his face...of course, the blog would be an easy way out....for both of us..
so to be or not to be, that really is the question??
so it would seem
that the new vocal me is quite a hit! and whilst i am not sure i want to say this, his unexpected arrival in my life has probably been the catalyst for that...and not that i'm giving him all the credit, but it's certainly made me think....my therapist might disagree, as she says she has seen this Sarah emerging over the last few months as i have worked through my break up with Ben, and she's right, but his arrival has kind of 'kick started' the process and has made me really confront some of the stuff that has been buried for a long long time...
so the new me stood her ground in a meeting with a client when i was sure she would ask me to further reduce my rate...she didn't! the new me asked another client for a 15% increase in my daily rate, and got it! the new me when asked by my dad to organise something for my birthday that was his idea, simply said 'i prefer you do it' and he did...the new me is finding plenty of ways to 'talk for herself' and you know what? i LIKE her :-) she is the sort of assertive person i have always wished i could be - but in being assertive she is not rude, and she is not aggressive and as she becomes more comfortable at identifying what she needs/wants, saying it out loud is also becoming easier...and i thought i would NEVER be able to be like this....
soooo the last few weeks have been hard, so hard that at times i thought i would just fall completely apart, it has helped me to rediscover a part of myself that has been quiet for so long...and sure, i don't think all the hard work is behind me and i'm certain the anger will continue to pop up when i least expect it (let's just hope it happens less frequently) but what i do believe is that i have started off in a new direction and now i have a taste of what being on that path is like, i don't think there is any going back...
sooo i'm not anywhere near ready to thank him for turning up but i am at least able to see things a little more clearly now the dust has settled...
so even though i didn't think i was ready to confront this when he turned up, the universe obviously knew something that i didn't....
so the new me stood her ground in a meeting with a client when i was sure she would ask me to further reduce my rate...she didn't! the new me asked another client for a 15% increase in my daily rate, and got it! the new me when asked by my dad to organise something for my birthday that was his idea, simply said 'i prefer you do it' and he did...the new me is finding plenty of ways to 'talk for herself' and you know what? i LIKE her :-) she is the sort of assertive person i have always wished i could be - but in being assertive she is not rude, and she is not aggressive and as she becomes more comfortable at identifying what she needs/wants, saying it out loud is also becoming easier...and i thought i would NEVER be able to be like this....
soooo the last few weeks have been hard, so hard that at times i thought i would just fall completely apart, it has helped me to rediscover a part of myself that has been quiet for so long...and sure, i don't think all the hard work is behind me and i'm certain the anger will continue to pop up when i least expect it (let's just hope it happens less frequently) but what i do believe is that i have started off in a new direction and now i have a taste of what being on that path is like, i don't think there is any going back...
sooo i'm not anywhere near ready to thank him for turning up but i am at least able to see things a little more clearly now the dust has settled...
so even though i didn't think i was ready to confront this when he turned up, the universe obviously knew something that i didn't....
post reconstruction...
and no, i'm not talking about any contemporary art movement, i'm talking about my right knee...
sooo all the way back in 1990 or 1991 (god it's so long ago, who the fuck remembers back that far) i had my right knee reconstructed, after a very silly end of year episode (read as I surfed down some stairs on a boogee board, and when i successfully reached the bottom in one piece, jumped in the air to celebrate, only to fall down with my right knee stuck underneath me)...yep, i was drunk, very very very drunk....
turns out this sort of sporting feat is not so good for the ACL (anterior cruciate ligament for those of you who aren't medically versed)...go figure! sooo after 14 months or so i finally succumbed and went under the knife not willingly i might add, but with the threat of 'if you don't have it reconstructed by the time you're 40 you might not be able to walk'...I now believe this to be utter crap, but hey, i was 20ish and impressionable...
so i had said ACL reconstruction and pretty much ever since that time my knee has acted as a barometer...turns out that i know (even before the Bureau of Metereology sometimes) when it's gonna rain, and that is because it aches...not great
so today, imagine my surprise when i go for my walk/run and it's bloody sore - in fact i don't remember it being this sore for ages, and as i'm limping around my usual 'track' it's really bugging me...so i figure 'what the hell, a run couldn't make it worse'...and i was right!
so how is it possible that walking hurts more than running? is this not a strange twist of irony for the girl who hates running (well, less so now that i am doing in more often)....
bizarre! so how can my post reconstruction knee hurt less when i'm running than i do when i'm walking?
any takers?
sooo all the way back in 1990 or 1991 (god it's so long ago, who the fuck remembers back that far) i had my right knee reconstructed, after a very silly end of year episode (read as I surfed down some stairs on a boogee board, and when i successfully reached the bottom in one piece, jumped in the air to celebrate, only to fall down with my right knee stuck underneath me)...yep, i was drunk, very very very drunk....
turns out this sort of sporting feat is not so good for the ACL (anterior cruciate ligament for those of you who aren't medically versed)...go figure! sooo after 14 months or so i finally succumbed and went under the knife not willingly i might add, but with the threat of 'if you don't have it reconstructed by the time you're 40 you might not be able to walk'...I now believe this to be utter crap, but hey, i was 20ish and impressionable...
so i had said ACL reconstruction and pretty much ever since that time my knee has acted as a barometer...turns out that i know (even before the Bureau of Metereology sometimes) when it's gonna rain, and that is because it aches...not great
so today, imagine my surprise when i go for my walk/run and it's bloody sore - in fact i don't remember it being this sore for ages, and as i'm limping around my usual 'track' it's really bugging me...so i figure 'what the hell, a run couldn't make it worse'...and i was right!
so how is it possible that walking hurts more than running? is this not a strange twist of irony for the girl who hates running (well, less so now that i am doing in more often)....
bizarre! so how can my post reconstruction knee hurt less when i'm running than i do when i'm walking?
any takers?
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
maybe it wasn't such a big step...
as following my phone call with him today and my desire to 'vent' my anger at him yesterday, i have succumbed and added him back into my phone....sigh
but actually my new take on it, rather than beating myself up, which is what i usually do....is that i am angry at him, so why hold it in when i could vent it in his direction...and without his mobile number i can't really do that...of course there are other ways if i had the inclination, but i don't!
soooo maybe it was a rash step to remove it, maybe yesterday was an emergency, or maybe i just put too much stock in what removing his number temporarily actually meant!
nite x
but actually my new take on it, rather than beating myself up, which is what i usually do....is that i am angry at him, so why hold it in when i could vent it in his direction...and without his mobile number i can't really do that...of course there are other ways if i had the inclination, but i don't!
soooo maybe it was a rash step to remove it, maybe yesterday was an emergency, or maybe i just put too much stock in what removing his number temporarily actually meant!
nite x
butterflies...
not of the flying kind, but in my tummy kind....i have butterflies
so it would seem that my outburst of anger directed at him yesterday has had something of an impact on how seriously he is taking the impact his turning up has had on me...and seriously, who else can i direct it at? i feel compelled to externalise it, so he seems like the logical target so he says he'll call today, and he did in fact call....suggests a catch up next week (we have previously agreed to 'talk' about said issue in person)...since the last time we caught up he mentioned both Bathers and Watermark, i figure when he says where, that Watermark is as good as any a place to meet....of course it helps that i LOVE it there, has a great view, and the menu is delectable...all round a winner!
of course when i asked him if this was a plan that would actually go ahead or one that is likely to be cancelled he gave (what i'm sure for him is typical, but for me it's really not, but then again, how would i really know?) the sort of answer that does not fill me with any confidence...so who actually knows if it will go ahead...part of me (the sensible, not gonna be messed around by you anymore voice, is telling me loud and clear that if he cancels, then it says a LOT about how important (or not) this actually is to him...)
of course i now think that in agreeing to go somewhere nice for lunch with him, that i will have to behave with a reasonable level of decorum (not that i wouldn't) but some of what i think i want to say to him is actually not exactly the sort of thing one discusses in public! or is it?
it's funny, even the first time he asked me to describe to him the impact of what he did on me, i couldn't articulate it....i mentioned in passing how difficult it had been but i found i couldn't actually go into any detail or really be clear...and i felt i had failed (myself mainly)....seems easy to say it in a text and especially here but the minute i am asked to do it in front of him, i just lock up....and of course herein lies one of the reasons that many many victims don't actually report what happens to them (to anyone)....so it would seem that when your voice has been silenced by someone, the hardest thing to do is find it again with that person....which of course makes perfect sense...when i really needed to have a voice, his actions silenced it and in doing so set off a belief that for many years was unconscious...thankfully no more that i have held about myself.....seems old habits (especially this one) die hard :-(
he asks me how i am and when i say up and down, he responds with 'why?' is he stupid? or is he perhaps just a little bit scared (not that i should be concerned with his feelings in this regard...in fact if i have to factor in his feelings, i think any conversations i manage to have with him about this are going to be more harmful than healing)
so scared that he thought he could just waltz into my life, say he felt bad, was sorry, has never forgotten, wants to help me heal etc, but really deep down he is a little bit scared of just how much of an impact it has had on me? sure he says he wanted to see me, and i get that...i would want to see me too....but i think perhaps that he isn't ready to really hear the impact it has had on my life, and frankly, i'm a bit scared by it too....coz when i add it all up and realise what it has meant, it makes me realise that a large part of the last 29 years has been difficult because of him...
so then the butterflies...well, unlike the butterflies that i had when he first suggested catching up which were clearly the sort of butterflies one gets before a 'date' (this was the 13 year old who has a crush on him...seems the other parts of me weren't able to speak up at that time...and i have beat myself up enough about this, so no more...) but the butterflies that are there now are a different kind altogether, and ironically not like a butterfly at all - they don't feel light and free, but heavy and encumbered and i think they are very obviously fear...and i guess i'm going to need to listen to that in coming days....
he doesn't physically represent a threat to me but on some level i am afraid of what being with him will be like now that i have silenced the 13 year old girl with a crush on him (sure, that was easy to be her) and whether or not i will be able to say what i want to say, express the anger i am feeling, make him understand how difficult it has been for me (and then i start asking myself 'why is it so important to me that he understands'?)...am i going to be truly heard or is he going to think it's ok to be flippant about the impact it's had on me to make himself feel better?
interestingly, the more i have thought about this i have realised that it really IS important for me to feel as though he understands...he can't do much else, but he can take the time to understand, without making excuses or rationalising it...he could just listen...and maybe that will be healing because he will have 'heard' me....
sooo it's time for me to start listening to what my body is telling me, butterflies and all....to tap into what it is telling me...
and i do love butterflies, it's true....if ever i get 'body art' then it will be a butterfly, when i'm walking and one flies past me it always makes me smile, i love the scene in You've Got Mail where she is on the subway (i miss New York) and there is a butterfly in her carriage, and so i am going to embrace the butterflies in my tummy, coz they ARE telling me something, even if it's not clear to me yet....
so it would seem that my outburst of anger directed at him yesterday has had something of an impact on how seriously he is taking the impact his turning up has had on me...and seriously, who else can i direct it at? i feel compelled to externalise it, so he seems like the logical target so he says he'll call today, and he did in fact call....suggests a catch up next week (we have previously agreed to 'talk' about said issue in person)...since the last time we caught up he mentioned both Bathers and Watermark, i figure when he says where, that Watermark is as good as any a place to meet....of course it helps that i LOVE it there, has a great view, and the menu is delectable...all round a winner!
of course when i asked him if this was a plan that would actually go ahead or one that is likely to be cancelled he gave (what i'm sure for him is typical, but for me it's really not, but then again, how would i really know?) the sort of answer that does not fill me with any confidence...so who actually knows if it will go ahead...part of me (the sensible, not gonna be messed around by you anymore voice, is telling me loud and clear that if he cancels, then it says a LOT about how important (or not) this actually is to him...)
of course i now think that in agreeing to go somewhere nice for lunch with him, that i will have to behave with a reasonable level of decorum (not that i wouldn't) but some of what i think i want to say to him is actually not exactly the sort of thing one discusses in public! or is it?
it's funny, even the first time he asked me to describe to him the impact of what he did on me, i couldn't articulate it....i mentioned in passing how difficult it had been but i found i couldn't actually go into any detail or really be clear...and i felt i had failed (myself mainly)....seems easy to say it in a text and especially here but the minute i am asked to do it in front of him, i just lock up....and of course herein lies one of the reasons that many many victims don't actually report what happens to them (to anyone)....so it would seem that when your voice has been silenced by someone, the hardest thing to do is find it again with that person....which of course makes perfect sense...when i really needed to have a voice, his actions silenced it and in doing so set off a belief that for many years was unconscious...thankfully no more that i have held about myself.....seems old habits (especially this one) die hard :-(
he asks me how i am and when i say up and down, he responds with 'why?' is he stupid? or is he perhaps just a little bit scared (not that i should be concerned with his feelings in this regard...in fact if i have to factor in his feelings, i think any conversations i manage to have with him about this are going to be more harmful than healing)
so scared that he thought he could just waltz into my life, say he felt bad, was sorry, has never forgotten, wants to help me heal etc, but really deep down he is a little bit scared of just how much of an impact it has had on me? sure he says he wanted to see me, and i get that...i would want to see me too....but i think perhaps that he isn't ready to really hear the impact it has had on my life, and frankly, i'm a bit scared by it too....coz when i add it all up and realise what it has meant, it makes me realise that a large part of the last 29 years has been difficult because of him...
so then the butterflies...well, unlike the butterflies that i had when he first suggested catching up which were clearly the sort of butterflies one gets before a 'date' (this was the 13 year old who has a crush on him...seems the other parts of me weren't able to speak up at that time...and i have beat myself up enough about this, so no more...) but the butterflies that are there now are a different kind altogether, and ironically not like a butterfly at all - they don't feel light and free, but heavy and encumbered and i think they are very obviously fear...and i guess i'm going to need to listen to that in coming days....
he doesn't physically represent a threat to me but on some level i am afraid of what being with him will be like now that i have silenced the 13 year old girl with a crush on him (sure, that was easy to be her) and whether or not i will be able to say what i want to say, express the anger i am feeling, make him understand how difficult it has been for me (and then i start asking myself 'why is it so important to me that he understands'?)...am i going to be truly heard or is he going to think it's ok to be flippant about the impact it's had on me to make himself feel better?
interestingly, the more i have thought about this i have realised that it really IS important for me to feel as though he understands...he can't do much else, but he can take the time to understand, without making excuses or rationalising it...he could just listen...and maybe that will be healing because he will have 'heard' me....
sooo it's time for me to start listening to what my body is telling me, butterflies and all....to tap into what it is telling me...
and i do love butterflies, it's true....if ever i get 'body art' then it will be a butterfly, when i'm walking and one flies past me it always makes me smile, i love the scene in You've Got Mail where she is on the subway (i miss New York) and there is a butterfly in her carriage, and so i am going to embrace the butterflies in my tummy, coz they ARE telling me something, even if it's not clear to me yet....
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
551 and counting...
yep, so today marks 551 posts and counting! man i have been busy of late...at this rate i'll make 1000 before June 2011...
so today was an interesting day - and by interesting, i mean mostly good, but there is a tendency (as i've eluded to before) for me to get into my head too much when i am not overly busy....and it seems that today was no different!
today was my day off! haven't had one in a while, and admittedly i had a few work things to do, but that took no more than an hour, in what was an otherwise, me sort of day...
got up late (having slept for 9 hours - this is the first time in over 3 weeks that i have managed not only to sleep without sleeping tablets, but to sleep well and wake up feeling rested...all good, hoping for a repeat performance tonight!)...made tea, lazed around a bit...did some work, wrote some xmas cards, went for my walk/run, did some washing, made the bed upstairs for my guest next week, had lunch, watched some CSI, then moved onto The Good Wife - which i only bought on dvd last week, having missed the first few episodes when it was on free to air tv...i much prefer the dvd anyway! no ads, can watch as many episodes in one sitting as i like....and given my somewhat addictive personality, this works well! tonight i watched 4! then relocated to the study where i finally signed up to a mailing address service in the US (basically so i can shop over there and get stuff easily)....
and now i'm writing my blog...but what i haven't yet mentioned is in between the afternoon and evening sessions of feeding my dvd addiction, i became so overcome with anger at a certain someone that i felt compelled to send him a text message...mmm not as easy as i had thought since earlier in the week i removed his number from my phone (but kept a copy for emergencies...remember that?)....so after a bit of a hunt i tracked it down, and even though for hours i resisted, i was just too angry...and so i convinced myself that it was in fact, an emergency...
so i sent him a text which was basically a vent (methinks there is gonna be a lot more where that came from) and having voiced my anger and responded to a question of his ('i wanted to see you' and 'what do you want?') i actually felt better...lighter somehow....it seems that when he asked me this question a couple of weeks ago, i couldn't articulate what i wanted - that's probably because there were a number of competing voices in my head, but right now, i think there is only one voice...and she seems to have the floor...so what i told him was this "feels to me like you turned up, said what you think i want to hear and what you think will make you feel less guilty and then moved on with your life...this is very hard for me xxxxx and I am now confronted with having to work thru it all..I want to feel better about this aspect of my life, I want to be able to trust, I want to not doubt myself, I want to not push men (good ones) away because i assume, like you did, that they will hurt me...and i don't want to be angry, it's exhausting'....amazing really to think that i was able to say it and articulately and then feel really really good afterwards!
it's very empowering (after feeling largely disempowered) to be able to talk so freely about what i want without concern for what may happen - it's a sort of freedom i have not really experienced, and i have to confess, that i'm a little scared - what if this becomes more natural for me!
and herein lies a problem! what if every time i feel angry (and not just a little bit angry, but very angry, overcome, not able to concentrate on anything but visualising hurting him angry) i need to vent at him before i feel better - surely that's not gonna work? mental note to talk to therapist about this...
and i'm sure she's going to say it's normal! that having silenced this voice for 29 years, it's only natural she now wants a voice and her anger is all (naturally) directed at him...the one who silenced her! sure i can see that, but practically most people don't get the chance to vent their anger (in this regard) at the person...so i wonder how it is they go about externalising that anger (coz keeping it in cannot be healthy)....and that just makes me sad...as someone who understands this both from a personal and therapeutic perspective...
so an interesting question for me to ponder as i drag myself to bed - i am exhausted! seems a day of indulging my senses has made me very very tired! back to a bit of reality tomorrow but mostly another nice me sort of a day!
nite xx
so today was an interesting day - and by interesting, i mean mostly good, but there is a tendency (as i've eluded to before) for me to get into my head too much when i am not overly busy....and it seems that today was no different!
today was my day off! haven't had one in a while, and admittedly i had a few work things to do, but that took no more than an hour, in what was an otherwise, me sort of day...
got up late (having slept for 9 hours - this is the first time in over 3 weeks that i have managed not only to sleep without sleeping tablets, but to sleep well and wake up feeling rested...all good, hoping for a repeat performance tonight!)...made tea, lazed around a bit...did some work, wrote some xmas cards, went for my walk/run, did some washing, made the bed upstairs for my guest next week, had lunch, watched some CSI, then moved onto The Good Wife - which i only bought on dvd last week, having missed the first few episodes when it was on free to air tv...i much prefer the dvd anyway! no ads, can watch as many episodes in one sitting as i like....and given my somewhat addictive personality, this works well! tonight i watched 4! then relocated to the study where i finally signed up to a mailing address service in the US (basically so i can shop over there and get stuff easily)....
and now i'm writing my blog...but what i haven't yet mentioned is in between the afternoon and evening sessions of feeding my dvd addiction, i became so overcome with anger at a certain someone that i felt compelled to send him a text message...mmm not as easy as i had thought since earlier in the week i removed his number from my phone (but kept a copy for emergencies...remember that?)....so after a bit of a hunt i tracked it down, and even though for hours i resisted, i was just too angry...and so i convinced myself that it was in fact, an emergency...
so i sent him a text which was basically a vent (methinks there is gonna be a lot more where that came from) and having voiced my anger and responded to a question of his ('i wanted to see you' and 'what do you want?') i actually felt better...lighter somehow....it seems that when he asked me this question a couple of weeks ago, i couldn't articulate what i wanted - that's probably because there were a number of competing voices in my head, but right now, i think there is only one voice...and she seems to have the floor...so what i told him was this "feels to me like you turned up, said what you think i want to hear and what you think will make you feel less guilty and then moved on with your life...this is very hard for me xxxxx and I am now confronted with having to work thru it all..I want to feel better about this aspect of my life, I want to be able to trust, I want to not doubt myself, I want to not push men (good ones) away because i assume, like you did, that they will hurt me...and i don't want to be angry, it's exhausting'....amazing really to think that i was able to say it and articulately and then feel really really good afterwards!
it's very empowering (after feeling largely disempowered) to be able to talk so freely about what i want without concern for what may happen - it's a sort of freedom i have not really experienced, and i have to confess, that i'm a little scared - what if this becomes more natural for me!
and herein lies a problem! what if every time i feel angry (and not just a little bit angry, but very angry, overcome, not able to concentrate on anything but visualising hurting him angry) i need to vent at him before i feel better - surely that's not gonna work? mental note to talk to therapist about this...
and i'm sure she's going to say it's normal! that having silenced this voice for 29 years, it's only natural she now wants a voice and her anger is all (naturally) directed at him...the one who silenced her! sure i can see that, but practically most people don't get the chance to vent their anger (in this regard) at the person...so i wonder how it is they go about externalising that anger (coz keeping it in cannot be healthy)....and that just makes me sad...as someone who understands this both from a personal and therapeutic perspective...
so an interesting question for me to ponder as i drag myself to bed - i am exhausted! seems a day of indulging my senses has made me very very tired! back to a bit of reality tomorrow but mostly another nice me sort of a day!
nite xx
bad boys...
so today (in the middle of writing the previous post 'vocal') i found my voice with another man in my life who didn't treat me with respect...
we only just re-connected but what i realised today, was that he is, in fact rude and disrespectful and no matter how attractive i find him on some level (he's the very same one i had entertained thoughts of a summer liaison with!), he is just NOT the sort of man i want in my life...
soooo the voice might in fact be a good thing, because things i have tolerated my whole life from men, are starting to seem like a big waste of my time and energy!
and maybe just maybe this is where the healing will begin...
so bye bye bad boys!
we only just re-connected but what i realised today, was that he is, in fact rude and disrespectful and no matter how attractive i find him on some level (he's the very same one i had entertained thoughts of a summer liaison with!), he is just NOT the sort of man i want in my life...
soooo the voice might in fact be a good thing, because things i have tolerated my whole life from men, are starting to seem like a big waste of my time and energy!
and maybe just maybe this is where the healing will begin...
so bye bye bad boys!
vocal....
yep that's how i feel right now! and in years to come i hope i am able to look back on this time as the time when i found my voice...and man is it powerful! which given the events of the last 29 years, no wonder really...most of the voice (that seems to have been quietened that night) is now very much ready to talk about what happened and how it impacted her (of course, she maybe wasn't ready, but he turned up and as a consequence i have been forced to confront it all)...and so comes the voice!
right now i just feel angry though....so very angry. sad too and when i start to focus on the sadness rather than the anger, that's when i start to lose hope that things will ever really be as i want them to be...
i have resisted venting my anger at him, but that just makes me feel worse - so i'm gonna try and tap into where that resistance comes from...of course some of it will be that in venting my anger and to him, i am doing something that couldn't do all those years ago: talk up for myself...but that 13 year old hurt girl is becoming a very loud and vocal advocate and actually i like what she has to say...coz she at least has no romantic fantasy about this man or what he represents!
actually, as i type the words 'romantic fantasy' i realise that pretty much all of the fantasy i may have had about him has dissipated, and what is left is not pretty...right now i don't like anything about this man (and this is probably a great place to move forward from)....
so vocal is where it's at right now and as i've been quiet (or should i say silent) for 29 years, there is a LOT of stuff that needs to be heard...then, and only then, will i be ready to move forward...so hold on for the ride, coz it's gonna be bumpy and at times sound very very angry - and that's because that 13 year old girl who couldn't find her voice then, is angry...and until she has had her say, she ain't gonna be quiet...
right now i just feel angry though....so very angry. sad too and when i start to focus on the sadness rather than the anger, that's when i start to lose hope that things will ever really be as i want them to be...
i have resisted venting my anger at him, but that just makes me feel worse - so i'm gonna try and tap into where that resistance comes from...of course some of it will be that in venting my anger and to him, i am doing something that couldn't do all those years ago: talk up for myself...but that 13 year old hurt girl is becoming a very loud and vocal advocate and actually i like what she has to say...coz she at least has no romantic fantasy about this man or what he represents!
actually, as i type the words 'romantic fantasy' i realise that pretty much all of the fantasy i may have had about him has dissipated, and what is left is not pretty...right now i don't like anything about this man (and this is probably a great place to move forward from)....
so vocal is where it's at right now and as i've been quiet (or should i say silent) for 29 years, there is a LOT of stuff that needs to be heard...then, and only then, will i be ready to move forward...so hold on for the ride, coz it's gonna be bumpy and at times sound very very angry - and that's because that 13 year old girl who couldn't find her voice then, is angry...and until she has had her say, she ain't gonna be quiet...
550 is fast approaching...
posts that is! which is pretty scary since i only hit 500 on october 12th! which means in 2 months i have posted 50 times - well above my usual average...and whilst it's great that i am writing more, i'm sad about the cause of most of that writing :-(
sooo what started off as a great day, is now, inevitably it would seem at the moment, becoming a day where i wish i was busier...that way i wouldn't have time to think about things, and in particular....him
see it's been nearly a week since we had any contact, and that part of it doesn't worry me, but was does concern me is that he said he would come back to me with a time to catch up (not even sure i want to do that, but i'd like to make the decision rather than let him have all the power...) and he hasn't :-( i posted a little while ago about his unreliability, and this is just ANOTHER example of that....he says he'd like to be friends and wants to build trust between us, and then this....
his actions and his words, seem to me at least, incongruous...he says what he thinks he needs to say, but his actions belie him....and all over again the anger that i worked so hard to dispel last week comes bubbling up to the surface again...
deep breath sarah....
and i get to wondering just how long this 'ride' is going to go on? how long is it going to take before it no longer has the power to take me from calm and happy to angry in the blink of an eye? i hope it doesn't take too long, because i'm really not enjoying it...
and honestly, i don't even know if seeing him and talking about it is going to make me feel better - the truth of it is that i have NO idea what is going to make me feel better...i don't actually know where to start (guess therapy is a good start and i'm doing that), it's not the sort of thing that i have had to confront before and to say i'm a bit lost is an understatement...
i'm angry with him for so many different things, both now and then, and sometimes it's really difficult to have all of that running around in my head...tiring, destabilising and sometimes it just makes me feel like i am losing it :-(
and being angry makes me want to scream at him...i have removed his phone number from my phone so that in the height of my anger i don't just vent at him and say all the things i want to say, but on some level, i think that me having to 'contain' all this anger is just making it harder for me...mental note to discuss with my therapist how i work through this anger, which is ALL directed at him, without him being there, and working out how to manage this overwhelming desire i have to vent all this stuff at him...seems to me i believe on some level that telling someone else doesn't really cut it...he is the one that needs to hear it....
soo i think now might be a good time to go for a walk/run...then at least some of the stuff that is in my head might get dislodged....
sooo what started off as a great day, is now, inevitably it would seem at the moment, becoming a day where i wish i was busier...that way i wouldn't have time to think about things, and in particular....him
see it's been nearly a week since we had any contact, and that part of it doesn't worry me, but was does concern me is that he said he would come back to me with a time to catch up (not even sure i want to do that, but i'd like to make the decision rather than let him have all the power...) and he hasn't :-( i posted a little while ago about his unreliability, and this is just ANOTHER example of that....he says he'd like to be friends and wants to build trust between us, and then this....
his actions and his words, seem to me at least, incongruous...he says what he thinks he needs to say, but his actions belie him....and all over again the anger that i worked so hard to dispel last week comes bubbling up to the surface again...
deep breath sarah....
and i get to wondering just how long this 'ride' is going to go on? how long is it going to take before it no longer has the power to take me from calm and happy to angry in the blink of an eye? i hope it doesn't take too long, because i'm really not enjoying it...
and honestly, i don't even know if seeing him and talking about it is going to make me feel better - the truth of it is that i have NO idea what is going to make me feel better...i don't actually know where to start (guess therapy is a good start and i'm doing that), it's not the sort of thing that i have had to confront before and to say i'm a bit lost is an understatement...
i'm angry with him for so many different things, both now and then, and sometimes it's really difficult to have all of that running around in my head...tiring, destabilising and sometimes it just makes me feel like i am losing it :-(
and being angry makes me want to scream at him...i have removed his phone number from my phone so that in the height of my anger i don't just vent at him and say all the things i want to say, but on some level, i think that me having to 'contain' all this anger is just making it harder for me...mental note to discuss with my therapist how i work through this anger, which is ALL directed at him, without him being there, and working out how to manage this overwhelming desire i have to vent all this stuff at him...seems to me i believe on some level that telling someone else doesn't really cut it...he is the one that needs to hear it....
soo i think now might be a good time to go for a walk/run...then at least some of the stuff that is in my head might get dislodged....
Monday, December 13, 2010
ups and downs, but mainly ups...
well here we are, some 3 weeks after (fuck is that all?) he turned up, and i can't believe how much i have packed into that 3 weeks....
i have spent a lot of time reflecting, reliving, crying, talking and mostly, just trying to understand...
of course he has gone conveniently silent - talk of 'i'm in balls and all', 'i'm here to help you heal', and 'i'll do the hard work' all but forgotten...by him...coz you know me, i rarely forget anything...
sooo now the difficult task of putting myself back together and in doing so incorporating the lesson that his turning up has allowed me to see...no small task i can tell you, but one i think that i am up for...
and i can't say i felt that way 3 weeks ago - i was literally devastated by not only his turning up, but his seeming ease in doing so...but as they say time is the great healer, and a few weeks on i am starting to have some clarity about what i want...interesting too that meditation tonight was about imagining the person we want to be...and you know what, for the first time in a long time i allowed myself to imagine myself as a happily married person...
there you go, i've said it out loud! yep, one of the dreams i have held onto since childhood, is still there - it actually always has been, despite my outward bravado at times, or derision of married life and all that it entials - turns out that was all a front...coz deep down, i really do want to meet my mr right and live happily ever after...
sure i realise that life ain't a fairytale, but i've had enough reality for one lifetime, and so i'm going to focus on learning how to trust again and seeing what that might bring...
it's funny, an ex popped back up on the radar (thanks FB) and i had been contemplating a little 'liaison' with him...but then i had a client today who mentioned she has this compulsion to keep going back to some of the men in her life and i had a bit of a 'wtf' moment...kinda like the universe sending me a clear message! and i'm not sure this guy is dangerous necessarily but he did hurt me, and badly, way back when, so it's kinda interesting that i have a desire to go back for more! of course the sex was bloody amazing, so that's most likely what's driving it, but it might be a good idea for me to check out if there are any other motivations laying dormant in my unconscious...coz if so, it is probably a good idea to get them into my conscious so i can make an informed decision...and of course i thought he had 'grown up' somewhat, and as i decided to have a conversation with him this evening he disappears (which is always what he used to do)...and all of a sudden the sexual motivation is even starting to dissipate...think i may have answered my own question in all of that!
ok well the calm that comes with meditation is still present so whilst it is, i'm gonna do my best to let it continue...bath and bed for me!
nite
xx
i have spent a lot of time reflecting, reliving, crying, talking and mostly, just trying to understand...
of course he has gone conveniently silent - talk of 'i'm in balls and all', 'i'm here to help you heal', and 'i'll do the hard work' all but forgotten...by him...coz you know me, i rarely forget anything...
sooo now the difficult task of putting myself back together and in doing so incorporating the lesson that his turning up has allowed me to see...no small task i can tell you, but one i think that i am up for...
and i can't say i felt that way 3 weeks ago - i was literally devastated by not only his turning up, but his seeming ease in doing so...but as they say time is the great healer, and a few weeks on i am starting to have some clarity about what i want...interesting too that meditation tonight was about imagining the person we want to be...and you know what, for the first time in a long time i allowed myself to imagine myself as a happily married person...
there you go, i've said it out loud! yep, one of the dreams i have held onto since childhood, is still there - it actually always has been, despite my outward bravado at times, or derision of married life and all that it entials - turns out that was all a front...coz deep down, i really do want to meet my mr right and live happily ever after...
sure i realise that life ain't a fairytale, but i've had enough reality for one lifetime, and so i'm going to focus on learning how to trust again and seeing what that might bring...
it's funny, an ex popped back up on the radar (thanks FB) and i had been contemplating a little 'liaison' with him...but then i had a client today who mentioned she has this compulsion to keep going back to some of the men in her life and i had a bit of a 'wtf' moment...kinda like the universe sending me a clear message! and i'm not sure this guy is dangerous necessarily but he did hurt me, and badly, way back when, so it's kinda interesting that i have a desire to go back for more! of course the sex was bloody amazing, so that's most likely what's driving it, but it might be a good idea for me to check out if there are any other motivations laying dormant in my unconscious...coz if so, it is probably a good idea to get them into my conscious so i can make an informed decision...and of course i thought he had 'grown up' somewhat, and as i decided to have a conversation with him this evening he disappears (which is always what he used to do)...and all of a sudden the sexual motivation is even starting to dissipate...think i may have answered my own question in all of that!
ok well the calm that comes with meditation is still present so whilst it is, i'm gonna do my best to let it continue...bath and bed for me!
nite
xx
Sunday, December 12, 2010
seriously, what is he going to do...
to help me heal? what could he possibly do to make the last 29 years seem better to me? i keep coming back to this question...and honestly, i come up empty each and every time...
he says he's come back to help me, but i'm starting to disbelieve that...his motives (as i suspected from the outset) don't appear to be entirely selfless...and how could they be?
and so i find myself feeling angry again...which is a little bit destabilising because i thought after Monday night (seemed that meditation was a turning point) the anger had abated...
and sure, i'm not as angry as i was a week ago, but i'm angry...angry that what he did means i struggle to form decent relationships with men, angry that i seem to have (i realised this today whilst talking to a friend) pushed away any decent man that has taken an interest in me...obviously fearing that he will do what you did...so when they start to get close, i run away...i'm angry that you have a wife and kids and don't seem to value that like i would (a husband that is)...and i'm angry that you have to live where i am happy....
i'm angry too that you seem to be 'available' one minute and not the next, and of course, this is a function of you being married, but also, to me, it seems that in fact, it has a bit more to do with the seriousness of your intentions towards me...
so i'm angry, and sad...sad that even after what you did, i still have any expectations of you, sad that i believed you to be honest and here to help me heal...but the more i get to know you, the less i believe that, and i just end up feeling disappointed and resentful again....
so i think that next time you make contact with me, if in fact you do, you need to be clear with me - really really honest - not some 'story' you've concocted that sounds good in your head, but truly open with me about what it is you are looking for in turning up now...coz i don't believe that you are so selfless as to simply turn up for me...and given the impact you turning up and your suggestive and flirtatious behaviour, in addition to your distinct unreliability has had on me, i just can't seem to sift through all that and find a truly genuine reason...
so if you are reading this, which i actually hope you aren't, then grow some balls and be honest with me about why now...
he says he's come back to help me, but i'm starting to disbelieve that...his motives (as i suspected from the outset) don't appear to be entirely selfless...and how could they be?
and so i find myself feeling angry again...which is a little bit destabilising because i thought after Monday night (seemed that meditation was a turning point) the anger had abated...
and sure, i'm not as angry as i was a week ago, but i'm angry...angry that what he did means i struggle to form decent relationships with men, angry that i seem to have (i realised this today whilst talking to a friend) pushed away any decent man that has taken an interest in me...obviously fearing that he will do what you did...so when they start to get close, i run away...i'm angry that you have a wife and kids and don't seem to value that like i would (a husband that is)...and i'm angry that you have to live where i am happy....
i'm angry too that you seem to be 'available' one minute and not the next, and of course, this is a function of you being married, but also, to me, it seems that in fact, it has a bit more to do with the seriousness of your intentions towards me...
so i'm angry, and sad...sad that even after what you did, i still have any expectations of you, sad that i believed you to be honest and here to help me heal...but the more i get to know you, the less i believe that, and i just end up feeling disappointed and resentful again....
so i think that next time you make contact with me, if in fact you do, you need to be clear with me - really really honest - not some 'story' you've concocted that sounds good in your head, but truly open with me about what it is you are looking for in turning up now...coz i don't believe that you are so selfless as to simply turn up for me...and given the impact you turning up and your suggestive and flirtatious behaviour, in addition to your distinct unreliability has had on me, i just can't seem to sift through all that and find a truly genuine reason...
so if you are reading this, which i actually hope you aren't, then grow some balls and be honest with me about why now...
ticking off...
yep, slowly but surely i am starting to tick things off my to do list...the to do list for self that is! and on the whole it's good...it's nice to do things for yourself, but sunday mornings are always difficult....
tennis lessons, tick! meditation, tick! exercise, tick! xmas cards for clients finally written, tick! newsletter done, tick! singing lessons is now top of mind, just have to organise it...so going back over the last few weeks/days at least i have achieved some stuff (and today i'm putting a new toilet seat in my ensuite, so that is another 'tick'...)
sooo i had a lovely day yesterday - pottered around, put up my xmas tree, did the last of my xmas shopping, did my walk/run, cooked a yummy dinner, wrote the xmas cards for clients and generally enjoyed my day...
but the inevitable loneliness of sunday morning has now set in...and i don't like it...seems that sunday is one of those days where having someone around would make it complete...must confess that even in the last few months with ben, sundays were bad then too, maybe even worse than now...he never had any inclination to do anything (go to the beach, head to the shops, go see something new) and despite my efforts, nothing changed and consequently sundays were often worse than any other day...one of the difficult things to get over then was the expectation that something might change, meaning if he loved me enough he would make an effort - he didn't...guess at least i am no longer dealing with that!
actually they aren't awful now, but lonely yes....
and then i wonder if perhaps how i am feeling this morning is MORE to do with what's been going on in recent weeks and the toll it has taken, rather than the fact that i have very little planned today...which is actually not true! i have a STACK of things i need to be doing (more of those things on the to do list, but they aren't really for me this time) and i am having coffee with a good mate, but still the reality of coming back to an empty house is there...
my therapist and i were talking about my tendency to rush through things - and she means dealing with things emotionally, not physical stuff...and she's right! there is a big part of me that just wants all this crap to be over and done with (of course i don't know what that looks like exactly) but i want it behind me so that i can just not have it pop into my head whenever it feels like it and derail my day...ironically, she says her job is to slow me down :-( and i guess that means that instead of just rushing through how i am feeling right now and everything it's brought up for me, it does (on some level) make sense that i need to sift through things slowly, truly understand them and make informed decisions about what next...
sigh...
some days it succeeds and others it doesn't but lazy sundays seem to invite the sort of self reflection that often leads me feeling sad and alone and wishing things were different....
perhaps until i make a decision about whether or not i want to have contact with him and truly understand what is (in some small way) driving me to feel drawn to him, even though there is a much bigger part of me that can't understand that....the internal dialogue and resulting reflection will continue...
maybe once i am able to find the voice - the voice of that small person that wants something from him...maybe then i will be able to let it go....so perhaps whilst i am reflecting, i will try and tap into her voice, and hear what it is she has to say...methinks that once i hear what she says, and listen to, maybe the 'next step' will be clearer...
then and only then will it be possible to 'tick him off' the list....
tennis lessons, tick! meditation, tick! exercise, tick! xmas cards for clients finally written, tick! newsletter done, tick! singing lessons is now top of mind, just have to organise it...so going back over the last few weeks/days at least i have achieved some stuff (and today i'm putting a new toilet seat in my ensuite, so that is another 'tick'...)
sooo i had a lovely day yesterday - pottered around, put up my xmas tree, did the last of my xmas shopping, did my walk/run, cooked a yummy dinner, wrote the xmas cards for clients and generally enjoyed my day...
but the inevitable loneliness of sunday morning has now set in...and i don't like it...seems that sunday is one of those days where having someone around would make it complete...must confess that even in the last few months with ben, sundays were bad then too, maybe even worse than now...he never had any inclination to do anything (go to the beach, head to the shops, go see something new) and despite my efforts, nothing changed and consequently sundays were often worse than any other day...one of the difficult things to get over then was the expectation that something might change, meaning if he loved me enough he would make an effort - he didn't...guess at least i am no longer dealing with that!
actually they aren't awful now, but lonely yes....
and then i wonder if perhaps how i am feeling this morning is MORE to do with what's been going on in recent weeks and the toll it has taken, rather than the fact that i have very little planned today...which is actually not true! i have a STACK of things i need to be doing (more of those things on the to do list, but they aren't really for me this time) and i am having coffee with a good mate, but still the reality of coming back to an empty house is there...
my therapist and i were talking about my tendency to rush through things - and she means dealing with things emotionally, not physical stuff...and she's right! there is a big part of me that just wants all this crap to be over and done with (of course i don't know what that looks like exactly) but i want it behind me so that i can just not have it pop into my head whenever it feels like it and derail my day...ironically, she says her job is to slow me down :-( and i guess that means that instead of just rushing through how i am feeling right now and everything it's brought up for me, it does (on some level) make sense that i need to sift through things slowly, truly understand them and make informed decisions about what next...
sigh...
some days it succeeds and others it doesn't but lazy sundays seem to invite the sort of self reflection that often leads me feeling sad and alone and wishing things were different....
perhaps until i make a decision about whether or not i want to have contact with him and truly understand what is (in some small way) driving me to feel drawn to him, even though there is a much bigger part of me that can't understand that....the internal dialogue and resulting reflection will continue...
maybe once i am able to find the voice - the voice of that small person that wants something from him...maybe then i will be able to let it go....so perhaps whilst i am reflecting, i will try and tap into her voice, and hear what it is she has to say...methinks that once i hear what she says, and listen to, maybe the 'next step' will be clearer...
then and only then will it be possible to 'tick him off' the list....
Saturday, December 11, 2010
ps should i now also
unfriend him on facebook?
i've only done that once before and given i was certain i didn't want any contact with this person, it felt ok...
not sure how i feel about taking that step...
guess time will tell!
nite xx
i've only done that once before and given i was certain i didn't want any contact with this person, it felt ok...
not sure how i feel about taking that step...
guess time will tell!
nite xx
it feels like a big
step for me to delete someone's number from my phone, so i have done that with 'him'...and i haven't deleted it totally...in that i have removed him from the contacts section but have retained his number in the notes section - that way in an emergency i have it...
in an emergency! am i insane? what exactly would constitute an emergency in this scenario? not sure i've asked or answered that question, but there you have it...
the last few days have been kinda peaceful actually...i haven't heard back from him since thursday and the more i think about, the less i think he is the sort of person i want to be friends with...which really doesn't leave much else...
sure, initially there was the fantasy of him coming back into my life and me attaching some 'meaning' to that - some meaning, that probably has NEVER really been there, but hey it's what i do - it's that romantic (or shall we say deluded) part of me...but unless i am willing to consider an affair with him (which i am not)...then there endeth the romantic fantasy...or at least how it would translate into reality...
so that only leaves the 13 year old girl that he hurt terribly and she doesn't want to have anything to do with him...i had an interesting session with my therapist today (by interesting, i mean good)...in that we explored the various different voices that seem to have a say in what i do next...
turns out there is a small part of me that doesn't want to say goodbye to him, feeling in some way that i will 'lose' something by doing so...of course i have no idea WHAT exactly it is i would lose...but that's how it feels...and maybe the thing that i would lose or at least start to question, is that part of me that he hurt and the person i have subsequently become...perhaps if i no longer have anything to do with him it will be easier to leave that part of me behind, and forge ahead???
sooo undecided is where i am right now...but that's ok coz i'm not sad, i'm no longer as traumatised, i'm not angry....i'm simply undecided...don't get me wrong, i'm not happy that he is living here and a part of me wants him to go back to england where the hurt part of me thinks he belongs...then again he's been here over 4 years and i hadn't run into him before now, so maybe that should be some comfort...
sooo the deleting of his number is a start in a particular direction i think...wonder where it will go from here!
in an emergency! am i insane? what exactly would constitute an emergency in this scenario? not sure i've asked or answered that question, but there you have it...
the last few days have been kinda peaceful actually...i haven't heard back from him since thursday and the more i think about, the less i think he is the sort of person i want to be friends with...which really doesn't leave much else...
sure, initially there was the fantasy of him coming back into my life and me attaching some 'meaning' to that - some meaning, that probably has NEVER really been there, but hey it's what i do - it's that romantic (or shall we say deluded) part of me...but unless i am willing to consider an affair with him (which i am not)...then there endeth the romantic fantasy...or at least how it would translate into reality...
so that only leaves the 13 year old girl that he hurt terribly and she doesn't want to have anything to do with him...i had an interesting session with my therapist today (by interesting, i mean good)...in that we explored the various different voices that seem to have a say in what i do next...
turns out there is a small part of me that doesn't want to say goodbye to him, feeling in some way that i will 'lose' something by doing so...of course i have no idea WHAT exactly it is i would lose...but that's how it feels...and maybe the thing that i would lose or at least start to question, is that part of me that he hurt and the person i have subsequently become...perhaps if i no longer have anything to do with him it will be easier to leave that part of me behind, and forge ahead???
sooo undecided is where i am right now...but that's ok coz i'm not sad, i'm no longer as traumatised, i'm not angry....i'm simply undecided...don't get me wrong, i'm not happy that he is living here and a part of me wants him to go back to england where the hurt part of me thinks he belongs...then again he's been here over 4 years and i hadn't run into him before now, so maybe that should be some comfort...
sooo the deleting of his number is a start in a particular direction i think...wonder where it will go from here!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
complicating or cathartic....
so today marks yet another person from my past turning up....this is getting kinda weird don't you think? this is now 6 people in a month! arguably this one i found...found him on facebook, sent an email, got a response, sent him a response and didn't hear back....until today! and actually i wasn't sure if i would be a welcome 'blast from the past' for him...and not like i did anything bad to him, but my recollection of our last interaction was fuzzy, so i couldn't really remember where we left things....it's been, i think, about 10 years! my god the time has flown by....
so after 2 very short emails i ask him if he'd like to catch up before he relocates, he says yes (which actually surprises me)...so then he calls and we talk for easily an hour and it was REALLY really nice to talk to him...he sounded so happy and at ease with himself (this is NOT how i remember him) and has worked out what he wants to do...
so a bit of a welcome distraction in my day, compared to the events of the lsat 3 weeks which have taken their toll emotionally...although lastnight i did manage sleep without sleeping tablets, and judging by how i am feeling right now (exhausted but happy) methinks another drug free night may just follow....
so our conversation was so easy kind of like new old times: does that make sense? well like old times but with the advantage of age and maturity, so not as edgy, and in way, new! seems he is so much happier and me too i guess...him and i didn't have a good ending the first time, but had (i thought) mended that when last we caught up...
so back in august i posted about 'my year without sex' and i was (even then) hoping that i wouldn't go a whole year without sex....and therein lies the complicating or cathartic title of today post....see this man and i have always had AMAZING chemistry, and on more than just a physical level....and i put 2 and 2 together and started to think that he might just be the way to ensure i don't have 'my year without sex'....he is relocating in january so there isn't much time, and that might actually be a plus...but the thought of having a couple of weeks of summer sex is very very appealing...and it was great sex! in fact, best sex i've ever had....
so am i just inviting complication into my life or is it just the cathartis i need right now???
not sure i know the answer yet, so i'm gonna ponder on it!
and i know the posts are becoming very 'uncensored' but i have to tell you, the other blast from the past turning up has helped me find my voice, and i don't see it retreating now!
so after 2 very short emails i ask him if he'd like to catch up before he relocates, he says yes (which actually surprises me)...so then he calls and we talk for easily an hour and it was REALLY really nice to talk to him...he sounded so happy and at ease with himself (this is NOT how i remember him) and has worked out what he wants to do...
so a bit of a welcome distraction in my day, compared to the events of the lsat 3 weeks which have taken their toll emotionally...although lastnight i did manage sleep without sleeping tablets, and judging by how i am feeling right now (exhausted but happy) methinks another drug free night may just follow....
so our conversation was so easy kind of like new old times: does that make sense? well like old times but with the advantage of age and maturity, so not as edgy, and in way, new! seems he is so much happier and me too i guess...him and i didn't have a good ending the first time, but had (i thought) mended that when last we caught up...
so back in august i posted about 'my year without sex' and i was (even then) hoping that i wouldn't go a whole year without sex....and therein lies the complicating or cathartic title of today post....see this man and i have always had AMAZING chemistry, and on more than just a physical level....and i put 2 and 2 together and started to think that he might just be the way to ensure i don't have 'my year without sex'....he is relocating in january so there isn't much time, and that might actually be a plus...but the thought of having a couple of weeks of summer sex is very very appealing...and it was great sex! in fact, best sex i've ever had....
so am i just inviting complication into my life or is it just the cathartis i need right now???
not sure i know the answer yet, so i'm gonna ponder on it!
and i know the posts are becoming very 'uncensored' but i have to tell you, the other blast from the past turning up has helped me find my voice, and i don't see it retreating now!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
directions please?
yep, interesting title but i seriously wish there was a 'map' for this so called journey i am now on...with him in tow...
seems my delight at feeling lighter yesterday has dissipated somewhat although i managed to find my assertive voice this morning and i did something that felt good, even though it was difficult for me to do it - and of course not like i did it when the idea first popped into my head...oh no, that would be too easy - spent HOURS going over in my head whether i should or not, and then i realised that i had nothing to lose...so i sent off a text message to him which included a request! i felt somewhat empowered (and a little bit less pre-occupied) after doing it!
and maybe the reason i think the 'lightness' has faded somewhat, is that i am exhausted...see i haven't slept well in almost 3 weeks - the 3 weeks since he turned up and you know what, i don't know how much longer i can go without a good nights sleep and by good i mean 'without drugs'...(not illicit ones!)...sure they help me get to sleep but i wake up feeling a bit vague and i'm sure that ain't good...well, in fact, i know it's not good but what alternative do i have - i still have to work and function on some level, so honestly i can't find a good alternative...
of course the realisations keep coming too and whilst that is probably good, it is draining - and i got to thinking about trust and me today (actually i've been thinking about it since he turned up), and in that moment (all those years ago) i trusted him to do the right thing and he didn't, and that's a pretty hard realisation to have - not so much that he did it, but that 29 years later i still assume the worst in people...and this is not something i like...
adding to the feeling tonight (coz i had a great day yesterday and a good day today...only as i've become more tired have i felt worse) is a feeling of expectation...and i would be lying if i said i didn't have any expectations of him or what will happen between us.....and i know i shouldn't have expectations, but i do...and sometimes they seem to get in the way of clear thinking...and i'm not even sure exactly what these expectations are, but it seems that i expect something....from him....so it's gonna take some pondering to work out what it is i am expecting and maybe when i have worked it out, things will become a little clearer...
sooo it's bedtime for me now - i am actually so tired i'm contemplating not taking a sleeping tablet...hope i sleep without one...nite xx
seems my delight at feeling lighter yesterday has dissipated somewhat although i managed to find my assertive voice this morning and i did something that felt good, even though it was difficult for me to do it - and of course not like i did it when the idea first popped into my head...oh no, that would be too easy - spent HOURS going over in my head whether i should or not, and then i realised that i had nothing to lose...so i sent off a text message to him which included a request! i felt somewhat empowered (and a little bit less pre-occupied) after doing it!
and maybe the reason i think the 'lightness' has faded somewhat, is that i am exhausted...see i haven't slept well in almost 3 weeks - the 3 weeks since he turned up and you know what, i don't know how much longer i can go without a good nights sleep and by good i mean 'without drugs'...(not illicit ones!)...sure they help me get to sleep but i wake up feeling a bit vague and i'm sure that ain't good...well, in fact, i know it's not good but what alternative do i have - i still have to work and function on some level, so honestly i can't find a good alternative...
of course the realisations keep coming too and whilst that is probably good, it is draining - and i got to thinking about trust and me today (actually i've been thinking about it since he turned up), and in that moment (all those years ago) i trusted him to do the right thing and he didn't, and that's a pretty hard realisation to have - not so much that he did it, but that 29 years later i still assume the worst in people...and this is not something i like...
adding to the feeling tonight (coz i had a great day yesterday and a good day today...only as i've become more tired have i felt worse) is a feeling of expectation...and i would be lying if i said i didn't have any expectations of him or what will happen between us.....and i know i shouldn't have expectations, but i do...and sometimes they seem to get in the way of clear thinking...and i'm not even sure exactly what these expectations are, but it seems that i expect something....from him....so it's gonna take some pondering to work out what it is i am expecting and maybe when i have worked it out, things will become a little clearer...
sooo it's bedtime for me now - i am actually so tired i'm contemplating not taking a sleeping tablet...hope i sleep without one...nite xx
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
lighter...
so yesterday my healer told me that i would soon feel lighter....and you know what, i do! of course it may not be permanent (but what is ever permanent really?) and it might fluctuate in coming days (seems to be the way of things for me right now)....but after a lengthy conversation with 'him' last night i do in fact feel lighter...i think so many of the things i needed to say to him, and him to me, were said and you know, it's so nice to be able to have some of that stuff off my chest...i have been carrying it around for so long...
he apologised, he acknowledged the impact on me, he told me he had NEVER forgotten, had always felt bad and he's turned up, not for him, but to help me....he even (when i told him a friend had suggested we go to counseling/mediation) said he would do that if needed...kinda blew me away actually, and it has helped me to see his arrival in my life as more of a gift than i had previously been able to see it as...and sure on some level, it's not gonna take away the experiences of the intervening period, but i think that it will absolutely help me as i try and i let it all go and move forward....how could it not?
i wonder how many people ever get such an opportunity? and sure it would be easy to be synical about it and say, well if he'd never done it in the first place that would be a better outcome, and of course, that's true, but what is, is and neither of us can change that no matter how hard we try...so i am resolved now to confront this stuff, work through it and make my life my own again...and it would seem, right now, that this will happen, with his help...
lightheaded too since i didn't get to bed til 2am and was awake just before 8am :-( but also the scales were kind to me today...when i stood on them instead of yelling 'you're fat, get off your arse and do some exercise' they said nicely 'hi, you are 3 kgs lighter...'...
sooo i guess slowly as the storm within abates, i am lighter....xx
he apologised, he acknowledged the impact on me, he told me he had NEVER forgotten, had always felt bad and he's turned up, not for him, but to help me....he even (when i told him a friend had suggested we go to counseling/mediation) said he would do that if needed...kinda blew me away actually, and it has helped me to see his arrival in my life as more of a gift than i had previously been able to see it as...and sure on some level, it's not gonna take away the experiences of the intervening period, but i think that it will absolutely help me as i try and i let it all go and move forward....how could it not?
i wonder how many people ever get such an opportunity? and sure it would be easy to be synical about it and say, well if he'd never done it in the first place that would be a better outcome, and of course, that's true, but what is, is and neither of us can change that no matter how hard we try...so i am resolved now to confront this stuff, work through it and make my life my own again...and it would seem, right now, that this will happen, with his help...
lightheaded too since i didn't get to bed til 2am and was awake just before 8am :-( but also the scales were kind to me today...when i stood on them instead of yelling 'you're fat, get off your arse and do some exercise' they said nicely 'hi, you are 3 kgs lighter...'...
sooo i guess slowly as the storm within abates, i am lighter....xx
Monday, December 6, 2010
reminiscing...
think i was talking about reminiscing last week and then it all seemed like a very bad idea...bringing up old memories, none of which were good, but tonight after i wrote my blog i decided to go back six months or so in time (and here is one reason why i love the blog - it is such a great thing to be able to read back over - and of course, coz it's typed and not in my usual hideously unreadable scrawl, i can, in fact, read it!)...
so it was amazing to go thru those posts and see just how happy i was sounding, to see how positive i was, when my health was really really bad and the breakup wasn't as much of a distant memory...and being honest, it's still not exactly a distant memory but as with everything, as time elapses the pain slowly subsides...
so i think having my own trip down memory lane was in fact a great way for me to remember who i really am and what is important to me - the events of the last few weeks have really gotten in my way...not just now, but historically and i think that actually it's time...
time to let it all go....
of course that's how i feel right now, and this time of day is typically my best time in terms of happiness, calmness and resolve...the mornings seem to be the struggle and it's true, i have NEVER been a morning person, but when things are bad i find it sooo hard to get going...
what's interesting is just how many realisations have come up in the last few days - and strangely enough they have come whilst i have been walking/running and now that the anger has started to abate...it's so true that anger does not allow the best thinking...in fact, i'm sure the neuroscientists would say that some part of our functioning brain shuts down or isn't accessible when we are angry and that is surely a good reason NEVER to make decisions when angry....
so one of the big realisations, which i had today, was that since that time i have NEVER felt comfortable asserting my needs over someone elses, and no bloody wonder hey? in that moment when i needed to put my needs first and assert myself, i couldn't....and therein lies the tragedy of it all...
but as i sit here tonight, calm and strangely happier than i have been in days (god, if it's mediation i must do more of it!) i am starting to realise that the only person suffering when i am angry is me...so i am going to do my best to let it all go, to forgive him, but more importantly to forgive myself....
ok, really am going to bed now! nite x
so it was amazing to go thru those posts and see just how happy i was sounding, to see how positive i was, when my health was really really bad and the breakup wasn't as much of a distant memory...and being honest, it's still not exactly a distant memory but as with everything, as time elapses the pain slowly subsides...
so i think having my own trip down memory lane was in fact a great way for me to remember who i really am and what is important to me - the events of the last few weeks have really gotten in my way...not just now, but historically and i think that actually it's time...
time to let it all go....
of course that's how i feel right now, and this time of day is typically my best time in terms of happiness, calmness and resolve...the mornings seem to be the struggle and it's true, i have NEVER been a morning person, but when things are bad i find it sooo hard to get going...
what's interesting is just how many realisations have come up in the last few days - and strangely enough they have come whilst i have been walking/running and now that the anger has started to abate...it's so true that anger does not allow the best thinking...in fact, i'm sure the neuroscientists would say that some part of our functioning brain shuts down or isn't accessible when we are angry and that is surely a good reason NEVER to make decisions when angry....
so one of the big realisations, which i had today, was that since that time i have NEVER felt comfortable asserting my needs over someone elses, and no bloody wonder hey? in that moment when i needed to put my needs first and assert myself, i couldn't....and therein lies the tragedy of it all...
but as i sit here tonight, calm and strangely happier than i have been in days (god, if it's mediation i must do more of it!) i am starting to realise that the only person suffering when i am angry is me...so i am going to do my best to let it all go, to forgive him, but more importantly to forgive myself....
ok, really am going to bed now! nite x
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