didn't really go as i'd hoped...

but the result is not a bad one! the meeting was good, he was very open with me - basically, they'd like to take me on but they don't have a role right now...

this may not in fact be a bad thing as i am starting to enjoy having a break from the treadmill that was corporate life and for the first time in years i actually have time to think about stuff...

this has been good and not so good, given the things that have been going on the last few weeks...

so maybe just maybe this is a lesson for me - a lesson i really need to learn: patience...the question is, just how long can i sit patiently on the side line before making a decision to move?

only time will tell

finally...

nearly a month after meeting with a guy at the company i really wanna work for, i get to meet him for a 2nd time to continue the conversation we started...

i'm not calling it an interview, as it's really not! our first meeting was more interview like and then he was to talk to 2 other people at his company, both of whom know me to varying degrees, and then get back to me...

soooooo tomorrow's the day! 3pm's the time!

wish me luck!

a celebration of sorts will be in order if it comes off - it's all part of my grand plan...which i'm told (after sharing with a fellow student in class tonight) is crisp and clear! man, i never thought i would be so close to executing the plan i've spent so many years dreaming about...

just goes to show you what a bit of risk taking and belief in oneself can do for a girl...

da da da da da...

fantastic! blues over bulldogs by 43 points, their kicking accuracy much improved following their loss to the swannies last week...

murphy fantastic, great to have scotty back, and kreuzer every bit the number 1 draft pick...

they know we are coming - bloody right they do!

go blue baggers...

i can feel a september in melbourne coming on, and did i mention we are 3rd on the AFL ladder - yep, 3rd! it's been a long time coming, 8 years in fact

go blues....

words can't really describe how

i'm feeling right now...in just 10 minutes from now my Granda will be laid to rest half way around the world...

i'm not there, and i'm kinda ok with that, but there's a part of me that wishes i was - even though i wouldn't get to say goodbye to him, i would get to say goodbye to him...being there too means that my dad would have someone to support him, but i know my dad, he'll be fine...he will take it all in his stride, he'll give an amazing eulogy (one that will come close to replicating the amazing life my grandfather had) and he'll know that even though we aren't there, we are there with him in spirit...

rest in peace my granda - you will be missed and remembered...so to you 'the great pacemaker' (as per the northern echo), now you have finally come to rest my wish is that we meet again one day...

xx

after resisting for a little while, i confess...

i am twittering! not sure how long it will last - certainly i like this medium better, in that it allows for slighty more creativity and doesn't require so much, shall we say, brevity - which is not exactly my strong point...

you can follow me at http://twitter.com/novelcoach

and you are probably wondering about my 'call sign' - well in an attempt to be more positive about my future and get back into my writing i decided novelcoach was a good way to go - also i think i'm a novel coach!

so couple of thank yous:
1)to ND, thanks - our chat yesterday left me feeling heard, positive and uplifted;

2)to SZ, thank you: our lunchtime get together today was amazing, i felt truly priveleged to hear some of your story - thank you, for being you and for sharing; and

3) last in this list, but really at the top, to my Ben, thank you: for everything. I know the last few weeks haven't been the best and i appreciate more than i can say having had your support, love and encouragement during that time - you are my rock xox

i finished 70 of my 140 hours of placement today and whilst it's yet another ending in my world, it's one i am not sad about - i met some amazing people and got a glimpse into the world of counselling...thanks RA for having me...

watched a fabulous show tonight - Sunshine - made me laugh and cry - gotta love shows like that...

now i'm gonna shuffle off to bed, something i have been looking forward to doing since the moment the alarm clock went off this morning, armed with my 3rd book in a week (yep, this holiday bizzo is great - sleep, drink tea, read, watch tv, hang out with ben, eat...)...

nite
xx

whoosh.....

that's how i feel about the last 10 days - they've sort of flown on by, and not in a good way...

in many ways it's been the hardest 10 days i can remember for a long time and there has been many stressful events that on their own, might have been ok to deal with, but the combination of them all has been, to be frank, too much...

there have been many times in that time that i felt in a fog and unable to find anything to be grateful about - many lazy mornings where even after my tea in bed, i simply couldn't find a reason to get up...

and that seemed to steamroll into a really negative feeling - one where i just couldn't see through my fear and access some of the amazing positivity i have had for months: this is largely feelings around my work situation, which to be honest, i have struggled with in the last week - having NEVER been out of work, i am finding it hard to adjust to, even though i know that it is a FABULOUS oppportunity for me to pursue my dream and a decision I will look back on in years to come and probably wonder why i didn't do it earlier!...

but today is the first day in a while that i feel i might be getting some of my old self back! see i tend to just soldier on and pretend everything is ok, but really, it hasn't been, and perhaps having someone objective to talk to about things might have helped - by this i mean a therapist...

it would seem that i have found a new therapist and whilst i have not yet seen her in that capacity, it has put my mind at ease simply knowing there is someone waiting to facilitate the next phase of my journey...and of course there is a part of me that knows that to embark on that journey, in itself, will be another stressor, so i am waiting for just the right time...

anyway, i was remembering martin seligman and gratitude lastnight as i stood in the shower and cried, so i'm going to have a go at the three things i am grateful for today:

- waking up with ben (this is always something i am grateful for) and enjoying a lazy morning in bed with a cup of his fabulous tea;
- a bit of fresh air as we had a lovely walk together; and
- knowing that even though things feel kinda tough right now, they will improve, and that no matter how bad i might be feeling, there are many people out there worse off than me...

so, onwards and upwards!

sometimes i wonder

if things will ever change? one stupid conversation has gotten into my head tonight and it's upset me - today is the first day since my grandfather had his stroke that i've started to feel a bit better...

i did work out though why it bugged me so much - reality is i hate being spoken to like i'm a child - which shouldn't be surprising really since i'm 40! yes 40...meaning i'm an adult...

so why is it then that when she speaks to me like that i respond like a child?

can't tell whether i'm more mad at myself for letting it get to me or her?

might have to sleep on it

R.I.P...

today is a day that for some time i have known was coming, and one that i have tried to prepare myself for...but nothing (and i mean nothing) really prepared me for the phonecall i got this evening...


my granda died today...at 97 years, 9 months and a spattering of days he died...following a big stroke on friday which he survived, he passed away this afternoon (this morning in the uk)...less than 24 hours after my dad got there...

i'm sad i can't be there to give my dad and my grandma a hug, i'm sad i won't be there for his funeral, i'm sad knowing that he's no longer here, and i'm sad wondering how my grandma is going to cope...


i am thankful though that he waited til my dad got there so in some ways they have said goodbye - albeit probably not like they had intended, but nonetheless, they got to say goodbye...


so to you granda goodbye and may you now rest in peace - you will be remembered and missed by many - you helped many a person create meaning in their life and the world was a better place for having had you in it...


xx

happy birthday dad...

i know this won't be your best birthday...and sammy and i both wish you were so we could sing happy birthday to you, but we know you are where you need to be right now...

we are both so happy that you got to northallerton safely and that you will get to see granda...

we miss you

xx

i'm sad today...

my dad called me first thing this morning to let me know that my granda (his dad) had a massive stroke overnight....

i'm sad on many levels: sad that my granda has suffered such a big stroke and hasn't passed away - i want so much for him not to suffer and to die with the dignity that he's lived his amazing and long life...sad for my dad that his dad is slipping away and he's going to fly half way round the world on his own not knowing if his dad will still be alive when he gets there...sad that my mentor is no longer the man i have known my entire life...sad that i can't just 'pop in' and say goodbye to him...sad that my grandma will soon be on her own

i'm just really really sad...so please universe if you are listening, please let my granda live long enough for my dad to get there, for him to say goodbye and for them to have one last chance to talk about the stuff that's important to them...

i'm really glad i'm leaving....

and until last week i hadn't really been thinking like that but a coupla things have happened and frankly, i'm pissed...really really pissed

this time next week i will be gone, and don't get me wrong, i am sad to be leaving behind many good people and it will be difficult to adjust to a routine (or none actually) where i don't get up and go into 'that place' like i have almost every day for the last 6.5 years....

seriously, i just cannot wait to get out of there - it's becoming a toxic environment where leadership is all but dead and frankly it makes me really sad that i have put up with it for so long...

for a couple of people there it's going to be an 'au revoir' but for the most part it's gonna be a very final goodbye...