vulnerable...

really really vulnerable, is unfortunately how i seem to be feeling this week

coupla things have come up - actually one main thing has come up and even though i had been thinking about it for a little while (read as more than 3 months) i hadn't actually said it out loud - not even to ben...

see i haven't been very well for a few months and on wednesday i went to see a naturopath/homeopath who also happens to be a counsellor - i didn't go to her for counselling, but for some help with improving my health, and in particular the gastro intestinal issues i've been having that the non-empathic specialist seemed unable to shed any light on...

so i went to see sallyanne - recommended by a work colleague. i didn't have any expectations really - basically, my last 3 months has seen many trips to a variety of people in relation to my health, and frankly, none of them have been really helpful...

so imagine my surprise when i get to meet sallyanne and we have a long session (just over 90 minutes) and i end up talking about the very thing i haven't even said out loud yet! i really connected with her - i liked a lot of what she said and i felt heard and definitely empathised with...

so turns out that she thinks there may well be a link to my 'holding onto things' emotionally and my health issues - no real surprise there - i think she's probably spot on! but what came up for me that is the major contributing factor to my mental state this week is this: when she asked if i was getting any emotional support by way of counselling etc, i just felt sad...

and this is not because historically my work with my therapist (the one i've had for over 3 years) has not been beneficial and in many ways insightful, helpful and great - it has, but for a little while now i have felt that perhaps i needed to move on

for some reason i just don't feel comfortable 'starting' new work with her...we've done loads of work - all of which has helped me shape the person i am today...sad thing is, i feel that for the last 3 - 6 months my therapy with her, whilst not harmful, has not actually been therapeutic...

so instead of me telling her and finding another counsellor, i have reduced the frequency of my visits and have been not so much guarded as 'scant' when talking about things, preferring to talk about my study or work etc, instead of talking about some of the things i so desperately want to talk about...

and why is this: well i've asked myself that question a lot in recent times, and esp since wednesday...some of the reasons are deeply personal and not going to appear here, but sadly the others are the very things that i want to start working on! namely my guilt at 'ending' the therapeutic relationship and my 'concern' for her are in the way of me doing what i really want to do...

now this is interesting! see right now i am studying Social Legal and Ethical concerns as they relate to counselling and frankly, this is something of a dilemma! surely i should not be concerned about her feelings just because i choose to do what's right for me? and yet to date, i haven't been able to do it...

so then i start to wonder if in fact my 'retention' and 'holding in' of this has in fact contributed to my poor health...so the truth is this (and of course it requires me to overcome or at least face some of the issues i want to work on now): i want to find a new therapist...one that will work with me in taking me to the next level, and one that i feel i can talk openly and fully to rather than just talking 'generally'...

add to that my health (which does, fingers crossed, slowly seem to be improving), it's no wonder i am feeling very vulnerable, seemingly unable to demonstrate any emotional resilience, feeling constantly judged and wondering if the work i have done til now has all been forgotten...

so something i usually do when things aren't going so well is mull them over! well i've mulled them over enough now - my body is screaming out for me to look after itself and so i must put myself first...

next step: how do i overcome one of my biggest fears and tell her that i am thankful and grateful for our work together, and i am going to move on and contract with another counsellor for the next stage in my journey?

any ideas? i'll be happy to hear them