boundaries...

interesting word, and indeed concept...

and funnily enough even though in therapy the concept had come up a bit, it hadn't occurred to me that in fact, boundaries are important in almost every aspect of our lives...

so the sad reality is that once we realise the important role that boundaries can play in our lives, invariably someone oversteps that boundary and it is uncomfortable...

guess that happened to me - someone i trusted overstepped the mark, and perhaps not intentionally, in fact i'm certain not intentionally, but either way, she did, and i didn't like it, and it took me almost a year to a) see it and b) do something about it...

looking back on the angst it caused me, i am grateful now that i have learned just how important boundaries are - it's gonna make it way easier for me to establish and maintain them...

like all lessons, seems to be much better learned the hard way...do you reckon that's ever gonna change?

little by little it's all

coming together...

now all i need is the 'green light' from a certain someone...

this is suitably cryptic - it relates to the post from last week that was also suitably cryptic and i'm sorry, but it's gonna remain that way until things are more official...

suffice it to say my nerves of monday morning were not necessary! i am loving my placement so far - the people are nice, it's a fabulous change of pace from corporate life - i love just talking to people - i love being in a place where the only real goal is to help people - i'm making some good contacts - i've had some encouraging feedback - i've even had one very senior and experienced counsellor ask for my details so she can 'refer' clients to me for help in understanding/interpreting their financial situation! how absolutely cool is that? i also met someone who's daughter in law is a web designer (i need one of them) and the very same person is also a graphic designer (need one of them too)...

isn't the universe a mysterious place? and by mysterious i mean bloody good!

thank you universe...i feel a big change coming

xx

wee bit nervous this morning...

coz i'm starting my 1st placement for my grad dip in counselling...meaning that in order to graduate i need to do 140 hours of supervised work and today is my first of those 140 hours!

i'm not really sure what to expect, how i'll go and whether or not the place i have chosen in any way resembles what i'd like to be doing when i finish (i suspect not) but it's a start!

wish me luck

i was right...

friday night really IS a great night for football....blues by 53! da da da da da

i do hope this is a sign of things to come...and that it's the first of many times i get to sing the song this year :-)

on another note, i think that my mother has accepted the decision i have made, if a certain 'situation' should arise...she even sounded quite supportive of it all...

maybe just maybe the tide has turned! now i just have to hope that at least one thing happens for the 'grand plan' to be put into place!

fingers crossed...

friday nights a great night for football...

indeed it is! tonight marks Carlton's opening game of 2009, albeit in the NAB cup...part of me wants to see them do well, but another part of me is all too aware that in years gone by their pre season cup wins have not exactly meant that they would go on to have a good home and away season - in fact from memory (and as an ardent Blues fan I should know this) the last time they won the NAB cup, they got the wooden spoon in the home and away season...cringe!

soooo i have mixed feelings and maybe that's coz i'm a little superstitious...

either way i am looking forward to footy season again and seeing the Blues build on their 2008 success...

Go Blues!

it really has been a rollercoaster...

and the last time i was on one was with my dad, in my teens, at surfers paradise..when i was freaking out as we neared the top he said 'think of something good - like manly 34 raiders 12'...

maybe i should think about that right now...coz i'm on a rollercoaster alright and i feel a little out of control!

methinks things will become clearer in the next 2 weeks, and the good thing is, I do have a plan!

coming clean

is what i did friday! and don't get me wrong, it's not that until then i had been deceitful or hiding anything, on the contrary, but i guess on friday, given the opportunity (and having had time to think it over properly) i made it crystal clear just how things were....

this maybe kinda cryptic but for now it has to stay that way....coz if i divulge too much about what it might mean for me, then a few other people who read this might become concerned about what it means for them...

so all i know is this: on friday i not only closed one chapter in the book of my life, but was very open with a certain someone about how i felt about things and what i might want from this point on...

i felt the best i have in months after the conversation - which i think in many ways could have gone quite differently if i hadn't been the initiator...you will have heard me post before about how much better i feel about things once i take action - especially things i find i have been cogitating on for ages before finally landing on what action to take! feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and even though there is one very SCARY aspect that might eventuate from the friday conversation, on the other hand it might just be the perfect catalyst...

the perfect catalyst to propel me towards the life i so desperately want!

more to follow....

i am so glad that today is over...

and now that i've just finished a task i have been dreading and putting off for some time, i think i might just crawl into bed with my latest country style magazine...

it's been a tough few weeks...many many tests from the universe have landed at my feet - sadly they all seem to have landed at once so my resilience has really been tested...sometimes i think i have succeeded, and other times not...but at least i am still here to tell the story and for the first time in weeks, i feel that a weight has been lifted from my shoulders...

see i decided to end a relationship in my life that has been key over the last 2 - 3 years...and don't get me wrong, this has not been an easy decision - moreso over a period of time it just hasn't felt right (it never felt wrong, it just didn't feel right) and a couple of things i learned at school last week actually made me look at my feelings in a fresh light...then the decision was clear but the 'how' became a source of stress and anxiety...

eventually of course i came to my own decision about the how and whilst some might not support my means, i know in my heart that it was the best i could do right now and whilst the person on the receiving end might not appreciate or acknowledge that, in no way does my 'how' undermine how important a part of my life and journey she has been over the time i have known her...

i am however going to do my best to end the day on a positive note and in doing so recount a meeting i had this morning - with a younger woman i have been coaching for nearly a year...we had a fabulous session today. not only was it good to see her, not only did we have a really good session but i was also confident enough (given my recent experiences with dual relationships) to discuss with her our 'future arrangements' - see when we started working together i made it clear to her that i wasn't yet a qualified counsellor so we would do 'coaching' and today i suggested to her that rather than 'switch' to a counselling relationship once i am qualified (june this year) that if she was ok to do so, that we should continue with things as they are..

i got to explain to her why it was important for us to not move into a counselling framework (putting all the learnings of the last week at school into practice) and i felt good doing it - i felt that above all, even though it would be easy for us to simply move into something else, it actually wouldn't be the right thing for her, not to mention probably unethical! she agreed...

working with her reminds me of what a privelege it is to be with someone as they discover more about who they are, and reminds me that i do in fact have purpose in my life even though some days it seems like i may never get to live it, and even though right now it's not what i am paid to do i know that one day in the not too distant future, it is what i'll be doing...

so onwards and upwards :-)

the not so good news...

just keeps coming...

turns out my grandfather will not be returning to live with my grandmother (his wife of nearly 68 years) as his health (both physical and mental) have deteriorated so badly that he is almost constantly disorientated (and as a result, not safe without constant care)...

it makes me really sad. sad on so many levels. sad that i will never get (or at least very very unlikely) the chance to have one of our lovely phone calls again...sad that if i did he might not even know who i am...sad that he is no longer living the sort of life has always and would want to live...sad that my grandmother is probably heart broken at the idea that they will now live apart, even though she is putting on the bravest of faces...sad that my dad feels so helpless (we are some 12,000 kms from where my gramps live) even though rationally he knows being there would make no difference at all...sad that soon he may not be with us at all...

so universe if you are listening, please don't make things harder for him: please allow him to die with the dignity he has lived his life, please don't let him suffer for too long and please give my grandmother the strength to cope with the next stage of her life...please give those of us who have been touched by his life the way forward without him and please let us heal our pain with love, fond memories and gratitude...

sleep...

i know how people say that when you are tired it could be coz you've overslept, - you know 'you've had too much sleep' - this is not something i have ever really put much stock in, and today kinda gives me more evidence that maybe i'm right!

can you really EVER have too much sleep?

anyway, had a better nights sleep due to leaving the air con on combined with not having to get up for work/school: woke up @ 8.30am, got up, had tea and breakfast then said to ben i felt like going back to bed! given it was gonna be hot, we had no plans, there were no new houses for sale that we wanted to see, so we did crawl back into bed just before 10am!

woke up at 1.45pm!

guess i needed some more sleep...and today has been a much better day :-)

sometimes sleep really is the best medicine!

vulnerable...

really really vulnerable, is unfortunately how i seem to be feeling this week

coupla things have come up - actually one main thing has come up and even though i had been thinking about it for a little while (read as more than 3 months) i hadn't actually said it out loud - not even to ben...

see i haven't been very well for a few months and on wednesday i went to see a naturopath/homeopath who also happens to be a counsellor - i didn't go to her for counselling, but for some help with improving my health, and in particular the gastro intestinal issues i've been having that the non-empathic specialist seemed unable to shed any light on...

so i went to see sallyanne - recommended by a work colleague. i didn't have any expectations really - basically, my last 3 months has seen many trips to a variety of people in relation to my health, and frankly, none of them have been really helpful...

so imagine my surprise when i get to meet sallyanne and we have a long session (just over 90 minutes) and i end up talking about the very thing i haven't even said out loud yet! i really connected with her - i liked a lot of what she said and i felt heard and definitely empathised with...

so turns out that she thinks there may well be a link to my 'holding onto things' emotionally and my health issues - no real surprise there - i think she's probably spot on! but what came up for me that is the major contributing factor to my mental state this week is this: when she asked if i was getting any emotional support by way of counselling etc, i just felt sad...

and this is not because historically my work with my therapist (the one i've had for over 3 years) has not been beneficial and in many ways insightful, helpful and great - it has, but for a little while now i have felt that perhaps i needed to move on

for some reason i just don't feel comfortable 'starting' new work with her...we've done loads of work - all of which has helped me shape the person i am today...sad thing is, i feel that for the last 3 - 6 months my therapy with her, whilst not harmful, has not actually been therapeutic...

so instead of me telling her and finding another counsellor, i have reduced the frequency of my visits and have been not so much guarded as 'scant' when talking about things, preferring to talk about my study or work etc, instead of talking about some of the things i so desperately want to talk about...

and why is this: well i've asked myself that question a lot in recent times, and esp since wednesday...some of the reasons are deeply personal and not going to appear here, but sadly the others are the very things that i want to start working on! namely my guilt at 'ending' the therapeutic relationship and my 'concern' for her are in the way of me doing what i really want to do...

now this is interesting! see right now i am studying Social Legal and Ethical concerns as they relate to counselling and frankly, this is something of a dilemma! surely i should not be concerned about her feelings just because i choose to do what's right for me? and yet to date, i haven't been able to do it...

so then i start to wonder if in fact my 'retention' and 'holding in' of this has in fact contributed to my poor health...so the truth is this (and of course it requires me to overcome or at least face some of the issues i want to work on now): i want to find a new therapist...one that will work with me in taking me to the next level, and one that i feel i can talk openly and fully to rather than just talking 'generally'...

add to that my health (which does, fingers crossed, slowly seem to be improving), it's no wonder i am feeling very vulnerable, seemingly unable to demonstrate any emotional resilience, feeling constantly judged and wondering if the work i have done til now has all been forgotten...

so something i usually do when things aren't going so well is mull them over! well i've mulled them over enough now - my body is screaming out for me to look after itself and so i must put myself first...

next step: how do i overcome one of my biggest fears and tell her that i am thankful and grateful for our work together, and i am going to move on and contract with another counsellor for the next stage in my journey?

any ideas? i'll be happy to hear them

happy anniversary....

to me! it's been a year since i first blogged - actually yesterday marked a year to the day that my first blog was 'posted' but in fact i started about 3 or 4 days before that on wed 27th february 2008...

you may well ask how it is that i know the date, some 370 days on? well, you see, if you read 'the maiden voyage' as i aptly titled the post, then you will recall that it was largely centred around some idiotic man who's despicable behaviour i had to tolerate on day 1 of a 5 day course...

anyway, enough of that! i cannot believe that it's been a year...and whilst some things remain the same (you know, mostly good stuff), so many things are different...and in ways i never thought possible!

australian cricket for one! this time last year NOBODY could have predicted the rapid and frankly, sad demise we are now witnessing...

the economy - the US has had a tough year and the fall out from the subprime crisis has now extended to what will inevitably become a global recession, or possibly depression...

roger federer is no longer the number 1 who dominates on all surfaces...this is in fact good as i was becoming bored watching his flawless tennis over and over and over again

the minimum monthly repayments on my mortgage as from tomorrow, assuming the CBA pass on the full rate cut, will be $14,784 a year less than they were in July 2008...

the value of my portfolio is less than half what it was a year ago...

and most importantly, ben and i are nearly a year into a fabulous, loving and supportive relationship - the sort of relationship that this time last year, i thought might just not come along...

so whilst my blogging hasn't been as frequent as it was at the outset, and the reason i started hasn't actually materialised (in that i am NO closer to having written a book), i still enjoy climbing onto the soapbox occasionally...

nite
x

did i mention

i love my new acupuncturist?

turning the corner...

well, at least i hope that's what will happen now that i have taken things, somewhat, into my own hands...

see i've decided that in the time between now and when i can see the specialist (a new one - you know, a 2nd opinion) on the 12th of march, i am going to focus on doing stuff for me...in the hope that anything i do by way of relaxation will in fact help my body 'heal' whatever is causing it to be sick - sounds logical right?

this started on thursday with acupuncture - it was good! really liked her, the hour was very relaxing and i did feel marginally better on friday - bar the odd tear here and there - i did feel quite sad (for no apparent reason) and i'm left wondering if what she did at acupuncture maybe got some stuff moving around??

then saturday i decided to try out the newish massage (thai) place near me - i booked in for an hour massage and it was FABULOUS - cutest little setup - the little rooms/cubicles were kinda like four poster beds - a mattress inside - nice soothing music - nice scented candles with a hint of tiger balm! and a great masseuse...

sooo i am thoroughly enjoying doing things for me! not to say i haven't been, but since my previous acupuncturist went on mat leave, i have probably neglected to find an hour a week that was all about my health and relaxation...

so i resolve - i resolve to have an hour of acupuncture each week, i resolve to find at least one hour a week to enjoy a massage, i have booked in to see the naturo/homeopath of a work colleague (who reckons this woman is amazing) and i resolve to try and stay off the dairy and fried/fatty foods...

i'm wondering if what will happen will be that by the time the 12th march rolls round, i won't in fact need to seek a 2nd opinion at all - that would be a great outcome!

nite
xx