life can be cruel sometimes...

this is gonna be cryptic (so i apologise in advance) as what i want to post is a little personal...

see i got some news yesterday which has kind of shaken me up a little...it's not tragic, it's not life threatening and honestly, it's not something i am shocked about, but it has taken away my choice...

not only has it taken away my choice, it's kinda final...nothing me or anyone else can really do about it, and it made me sad...

so sad i cried when the doctor told me, so sad when i got home and ben asked me what happened i cried on him for ages, so sad that everytime i thought about it for the next 24 hours or so it made me really sad...

and honestly, i'm not sure it has changed what may have happened anyway, but still, i no longer have a choice and i certainly no longer have any control over the outcome...

life can be cruel sometimes, and whilst i will accept this with grace (bar my outburst to my mother - i'm sorry mum) and will do my level best to make it easier for myself, i think that a couple of days of self indulgence (which has included retail therapy and tim tams) is warranted as i ease myself into a new way of thinking about the possibility which has now been taken away...

guess with everything that happens to us it's an opportunity to learn and to take stock - yep, well i've done that! and i think actually that it will make me focus more on who i want to be and what i want to be doing, so it might just be ok...