i feel terrible

and right now i can't stop replaying it over and over in my head and wishing i'd handled it differently - i have been trying to work out what i would say to a friend in the same circumstances but it's not working...

see i had the most wonderful weekend with ben, woke up and had a lovely morning with him - that is until i got to the kitchen to find lastnight's desert still on the kitchen counter, uncovered...

sounds stupid right - and you know what? it is! but instead of calmly saying something like 'babe would you mind not leaving food on the counter as i have a bit of a cockroach problem from time to time' i screamed (possibly PMT induced by I am loathe to use that as an excuse for my poor behaviour) something like 'fuck, we can't leave food on the counter.......cockroaches.....etc'

i feel terrible - i am so conscious of not talking to him like i see other people talk to their partners, and i guess there will be times when it might a) be warranted or b) inevitable, but i'm pretty sure this morning is not one of those times...now i am consumed with wishing i could take those words back...

see he's one of the most thoughtful people i know - he's always helpful and not begrudgingly - he does so much for me but something this morning just made me see red...

i guess this is all about being assertive rather than aggressive, and i know that's always something i have struggled with...and here is the lesson! why is it so much easier to behave badly and apologise later than not behaving badly and having nothing to apologise for???

and none of this is the worst of it: the worst of it is my words (my stupid reactionary non thought out words) have hurt the person i love most in the world - and all over a fucking apple and berry crumble...

sooo i think i'm gonna have a bad day - going over and over and over it in my head - which actually isn't gonna change a thing - if only it would...so to my ben - i know i've said sorry and i truly mean it - but if you read this then please forgive me...