what is it about silence

that sometimes makes me feel insecure? that brings up all of my old shit? stuff that i really need to remember is no longer relevant?

i have been reluctant to talk about this publicly (guess blogs by their very nature are public!) but i feel the need today - i am hopeful that the process of writing things down, which usually has a way of helping me make sense of what i am experiencing, will be not only cathartic but illuminating...

i was looking through the online dictionary for the definition of silence today and of the 9 available definitions the one that resonates with me most is 'the state of being forgotten: oblivion' which of course is a bit dramatic, but honestly, it's how i feel...and one thing i have learned is that there is nothing to be gained by pretending we don't feel a certain way...

and this isn't the first time this has happened (thankfully it's one of very few times), and truthfully i'm kind of afraid to talk about it, coz i think it signals in me something i think i have gotten over but really, perhaps i haven't - and you know, somedays the silence doesn't matter, but today it seems all encompassing, and frankly, overwhelming...but i have realised today (actually whilst writing this post - so i guess in some ways it has already been illuminating) that it almost always seems to co-incide with a certain 'event'...now i know in my head that there is always a chance that this sort of event brings up thoughts and feelings and may mean that there is some reflection/thinking time, but i guess i just don't expect it to also mean complete silence - coz even though i'm sure it isn't true and there is no concrete evidence for this - it makes me feel shut out...

so i've been trying to 'sit with how i'm feeling' without judging myself or trying to analyse what's going on or find excuses for why i feel like i do and honestly, that doesn't seem to be working - it seems to be making me feel worse...worse still is that the voice in my head has started and as unwelcome as she is i am starting to listen to her...

and whilst the rational usually positive evidence gathering part of me is working overtime to try and counter the feelings of my insecure self and talk some sense into myself, i just find myself feeling worse...

i guess it's probably not helped today by a very bad nights sleep (i woke up a number of times during the night having had violent and disturbing dreams) or the onset this week of PMT (which stupidly co-incides with the week i have chosen to go on a diet - duh!) but since this is not the first time this has come up, my feelings are amplified by the fact that a small part of me is left wondering why i haven't learned to handle it better yet...