on the edge

is the only way i can describe how i was feeling lastnight...

which is kinda weird given how well ALL areas of my life are going right now - this is probably the FIRST time in my entire life that I feel happy about EVERYTHING that is going on...of course I have had many periods of happiness, but largely they have been limited to 1 or 2 areas of my life! right now, i have every area (well, at least those that are important to me) going well! so then i was worried - why would i be feeling like this? and it's not like i can even articulate how i was feeling - all i know is that as i was lying in bed, in Ben's arms, and something just didn't feel right!

so i spent a large part of this morning in 'reflection' and 'analysis' mode in a vain attempt to identify what was actually going on...good news is that it 'was' rather than 'is' going on - i woke up this morning with a headache and sore throat, but otherwise ok and reminding myself that whatever it was that was going on would be far better off not being projected onto Ben (or anyone else for that matter)...see a couple of weekends ago we had a really good conversation about fear! his fear, my fear etc and what we talked about was the fact that if you are experiencing fear, and don't share it or discuss it, then there is a big chance the fear you are experiencing but too scared to talk about will actually end up becoming 'projected' onto the person anyway, and then things invariably not only not go how they might otherwise have done, but in my case, usually go to shit!

a great revelation (a little sad that it took me 39 years and hours and hours of therapy to finally get that) and one that has served me well in the last few weeks (with Ben, and even at work - I find myself asking myself what my motivations are for saying certain things to people and whether it's me saying something which is really only to alleviate something i'm feeling or whether i'm being genuine! as an example, a former friend is obviously having a tough time of things and i considered contacting her to see how she's going, but really i don't think my intentions were above board - given we had a friendship that was at times competitive, there was a small part of me that actually only wanted to contact her so i could tell her i'd met someone - good news is, i realised that was not exactly fair and more about me so i didn't...and please don't read this as something i am proud to admit (coz i'm not) but it's a recent example to illustrate what i'm trying to articulate here...

sooooo i'm not really sure if what was going on lastnight was PMT, the cold i am working hard to fight off, the fact that i have been mad busy the last 2 weeks at work doing my bosses job and am mentally exhausted, or just the fact that in the last 6 weeks i have not managed to find time for myself, time when i would reflect on certain things in my life, and maybe just maybe that has in some way contributed to whatever was going on lastnight...bottom line is this: i don't really know EXACTLY what was going on but what i do know is that it wasn't good (part of me wonders if some of my old 'stuff' is coming up??) it felt very uncomfortable and a little unsettling...

of course the very rational level headed part of me just assumed there had been a full moon lastnight, which of course explains EVERYTHING, but no, there wasn't...