the humaneness of some people needs

rediscovering, and i say rediscovering as distinct from discovering as i believe that we are all born with it - it's our experiences and our environment that shape us and in some cases mean that we are no longer capable of accessing that innate skill that i am sure is in us all...until it isn't...

so i'm sure you are wondering why i'm writing about this? and so am i a little, but lastnight ben and i watched one of his favourite movies (american history x, starring the amazing mr edward norton - is there no end to that man's talent and versatility?) and truth is it made me feel sad. really really sad, not just 'i'm having a bad day sad' but sad enough it made me cry and think about a whole lot of stuff in my life that i guess i hadn't thought about for ages...and i just couldn't stop crying, felt like a wave of sadness kept breaking over me, again and again and again...

so i did cry, in ben's arms and that actually made me realise that his humaneness in that moment made me feel better even though i have struggled over the years in letting someone else behind the inpenetrable wall i've constructed to avoid getting hurt...so lastnight was actually a good thing for me. see i realised that i can be vulnerable and it is ok! see vulnerable is something i'm not really good at and i know why and actually he knows why...guess the whole experience of crying was cathartic and i felt as though so much of what i was crying about had been building, for a long time...seemed like years of grieving for some of the things i wish had been different in my life...and don't get me wrong, this isn't me regretting stuff - on the contrary, i don't regret any of the things that caused me sadness lastnight, other than that they happened to me...i guess at the time, the humaneness of a few had in fact deserted them...

guess we all have things that make us sad from time to time, our crosses to bear, you know the things people say 'make you stronger'...yeah well, guess that was me just acknowledging how i was feeling about the various 'crosses' in my life and me working through trying to make the best of it...and i kinda hope that my 'making the best of it' actually ends up helping a whole lot of other people rediscover their lost humaneness...