single...

it's an interesting word...macquarie dictionary says it means: one only, separate, individual...yep, well that's how i feel today, and not just today really but the feeling is acute this evening...

actually i've had a great (albeit busy and somewhat draining) day and i finished it off with my fortnightly acunpuncture session, in which i pleaded with my acupuncturist to give me one of her good head/neck/shoulder massages...

see i'm really busy at work, haven't been sleeping that well the last few days and am kinda drowning with everything i have going on right now (that's gonna change pretty soon as i'm recruiting to fill the two vacancies i have in my team right now and one of my four assignments will be done next week) - and i remember a few weeks ago she gave me a massage when i had a headache and it was good - so i asked for another one today...

and it was good too, but something occurred to me as i was enjoying this massage today (and nothing inappropriate or sexual!). what occurred to me was how much i miss a lot of things about being in a couple and things i guess i've been reluctant to admit - and don't get me wrong, there absolutely are positives about being single, but i guess, if i'm honest, things like the 'separateness' and 'only one' instead of 'two' are kinda wearing thin...

and it's kinda funny that it's coming up now! for those of you who check the blog regularly you may have (over the last few weeks) noticed an emerging theme: acutely single, vaguely bitchy and now this and i guess i'm not sure if it's simply a continuation of what started then (after a good friends 40th) or whether it's a more immediate reaction (and perhaps my defenses taking over) as i have recently (and i mean very recently) met someone - someone i like and someone i would like to 'explore the possibilities with'...

and there is a small part of me that is cringing, actually that's crap, a BIG part of me, as i write this as i would usually not allow myself to be so vulnerable (at least not with an audience)...usually the internal critic/sensor would have prevented these sort of heartfelt outbursts from being committed to paper (in this case some database in an invisible ether but you get the drift)...they would usually have been told to 'fuck off' almost immediately they entered my head...

but i'm actually beginning to think that being vulnerable and doing things a little differently might actually help! that maybe acknowledging what is going on and sitting with it, rather than running into a cave (metaphorically speaking), might actually be a worthwhile exercise and one where i can think about why the old defenses might be surfacing now...are they still serving me well? actually i'm not so sure they are...

soooo maybe just maybe i should go with the flow with this 'someone', try not to analyse everything about it/him (he's actually way more into the analysis than i am, and for those of you who don't believe me, it's true, he is!) and just sit with all the stuff that seems to be floating to be top of mind right now...

it's uncomfortable, and i don't really like how it feels, but then again, same can be said for being single...