the voice in your head that somehow never seems to completely go away...how do i do that? and i don't mean in general life, in particular here i am referring to writing - see one of the biggest hurdles in writing (even fiction, as it's been said that everything we write has something of ourselves in it) is being able to listen to the censor, the critic, and then ignore what they are saying and continue writing...
this is no easy task - i have been on many writing workshops/courses and it's one of those topics that get's much discussion, as a lot of writers (well aspiring or wannabe writers) seem to grapple with how to do this - sadly i am no exception...
i guess when i reflect on what it might mean for me (as i'm sure that it's different for everyone - meaning that each of us has our own inner critics, our own censor who has developed out of our own life experiences, which of course are different) it sadly, i think, comes down to fear...
fear: a painful feeling of impending danger - well, shit, no wonder nobody likes feeling it!
there aren't that many people i've met who like describing themselves as being afraid - and i'm not talking about being afraid of spiders, of heights, of wide open spaces, i'm talking more about the fear of feeling a certain way - you know, feeling judged, unheard, misunderstood etc...
these sorts of fears are, to me at least, much more difficult to confront and admit to and the trainee counsellor in me understands that it seems to be ok to admit to fear of physical danger because the 'danger' can actually be seen, but fear of feeling a certain way is kind of intangible right?
and i don't mean intangible as in it's not real (as for the person experiencing it, it is VERY real), but nobody else can actually see it so it seems to be attributed some lesser meaning by others, and consequently we might find ourselves questioning not only our feelings but their validity - and now it's starting to look not only scary but sad...
it's become really apparent to me in the last year - during that time i have formulated a firmer plan of the plot for both novels i am attempting to write and one of them has some graphic scenes (drug related, sexual etc) and i have found it incredibly difficult to put my thoughts on paper - now this is NOT writers block! i have a clear picture in my head of the scenes, of what happens, and exactly what happens and the words (although the imagery and my powers of description could be better) are there - what i can't seem to do is commit them to the computer (i would say paper, but who the hell writes anything by hand anymore??) - now why is that i hear you ask, and truth is, until now i been asking myself the same question and coming up empty...
actually the reason it's so hard (for me anyway) is that i'm fearful! yep, i've said it, it's out there and there's no taking it back now...i'm afraid not of whether (on the off chance i ever finish them and someone gets around to reading them) people like it (some won't) but i'm afraid of what people will think of me when they've read what i have written...
guess when it's all said and done, i am afraid of being judged...so tonight's post is in itself cathartic and hopefully the start of the 'silencing of the critic'...
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