vaguely bitchy...

guess it's hard to write this as i'm not sure i am feeling 'safe' enough to say exactly what i want to, so if it's vague there's a reason for that...and you'd think that since this is my online journal i would feel safe, but i am bit apprehensive all the same...and not because i don't trust the people who read this, but because i'm not sure why this has upset me so much and i guess i don't want to be judged...

soooo ages ago i employed someone in my team, i stupidly allowed a friendship to develop (my mother told me it would end in tears, and she was right!) and we occasionally did stuff outside of work - she was more dependant on me than me on her but i enjoyed her company - for a period of time she was a friend (and i haven't been very good at acknowledging that previously), that is until she betrayed me and made work a very uncomfortable situation for me - i have NEVER forgiven her for that and i guess after that i started to see a whole lot of things about her that in fact, i didn't like - but until one or both of us changed the work situation, i had to put up with her in my life :-(

not ideal i hear you say - and you're right - it was crap - i felt vulnerable, and very unsafe at work - i guess you could say that as a result of how she behaved towards me and what she did, i kinda lost some of my ability to trust.....and whilst i can look back now and think that maybe just maybe it might have been a good lesson to learn, it wasn't the sort of lesson i wanna learn too often...

soooo she also writes a blog (has done for a long time and in fact she's probably the reason i got to thinking about doing one way back when, so i guess, thank you for that) and when we were friends she told me about it so from time to time i check in - and even this i am struggling to understand - this is someone who betrayed and hurt me and made my professional life hell for a period too long to mention, but there is a part of me that wants to know what's going on in her life...or is it more like a morbid fascination and one where i rejoice when i read something in there that gives me the impression that things aren't going that well for her?

well, truth is, i can't work it out! and whilst i will admit (and i'm cringing as i write this) that when she appears to be having a hard time i feel good about it (in a vindictive superbitch sort of a way) there is another part of me that is still hurting and whilst i don't miss what our friendship became, there were times when it was good - you know same stage of life, similar interests, same frustrations kinda friendship?

anyway, so i read her blog lastnight and she eludes to taking someone home later this year - i can only assume that is a man/boyfriend??? and i'm envious and had a crap night after reading it - thoughts along the lines of 'how come she can get a boyfriend and i can't?', 'she's too fucked up to be in a relationship', 'she was single only six weeks ago, how could something so serious have come about in such a short space of time?' kept creeping, uninvited i might add, into my head and i woke up this morning feeling as though a full blown political debate had taken place in my head as i slept :-(

so no wonder i am trying to make sense of it all - so many different things are going on around this that it's not possible for me to understand it all right now - i can't really work it out but what i do know is this: on many levels what is going on right now is really uncomfortable...