and i'm not alone in this predicament, i know that but right now that is not helping, and it's not that i don't care about everyone else's situation (as I do) but it's my own situation that is causing this sharp, intense and poignant feeling that i just don't seem to be able to shake......
and don't get me wrong, i'm not depressed and not even having a mean reds sort of a day - it's just that i realise that i'm nearly 40 (ok ok it's nearly a year away) and i don't have someone special to share my life with.....and wishing that somehow it could be different
so now you are wondering how i got like this - not single! but feeling acutely single, and why now? well i think it's a combination of things really - in the last year there has been a lot of change in my life, most of it great by the way, but still, a lot of things for me to adjust to but really it was a great party i went to on saturday night - a red carpet 40th birthday party held by one of my good friends - where everyone was married, with kids except me........yep, yet again i was the only single person there, and it didn't seem to matter that i looked and felt good, and that nobody could believe i was nearly their age, i still felt a little like an imposter...
true, there have been many changes in my life of late. i'm nearly half way thru the study i started in 2006 which i thought would amount to nothing (i was wrong!), i have parted ways with a number of friends throughout the year, and whilst i believe this was meant to be, it's still sad to say goodbye, i am finally starting to recover from a year where i battled constant sinus infections and a variety of other injuries which left me feeling less than my best physically, and last but not least i went thru an emotional rollercoaster with respect to work and now find myself in a job i love, working with people i like and on an entirely different path to where i was just six months ago.
soooooo this all sounds good right? things are getting better and i am happier and more fulfilled than i have ever been, yet i can't help but let that little voice in my head tell me that 'you're not there yet' because i haven't found someone to share it all with......seems all i can focus on right now is the fact that i am still single.....
now i admit, there has been a lot of change in my life and perhaps the universe is waiting for things to settle down before he orchestrates the meeting of myself and this man i'm supposed to be with (you know the one EVERYONE tells you 'you will meet him when you least expect it') but i'm beginning to wonder if it's EVER going to happen?
i have come to accept (in more recent times) that everything in our lives happen for a reason - that's why some people you meet stay for just a short while and others are there for the long haul, it's why somedays you get a parking space right at the door when it's pouring down rain, it's why when you see something you like in a shop and think they won't have your size, your size is the last one they have and it fits you perfectly, it's why somedays when you are thinking about someone, the phone rings and it's them, thinking about you too........so why is it that despite all this i am struggling to accept my acutely single status?????
i'm done with waiting i really am. i think i've been patient, i've tried to focus on the positive things in my life, i am grateful for many aspects of my life, but i want more, i don't want to dread new years eve parties because i have nobody special to kiss at midnight, i don't want to spend my life going to movies on my own, i want to have someone to wake up next to in the morning and someone to kiss goodnight before i go to sleep (and i want that to be the same someone!), i want to have someone to share those special moments with, i want to be with someone who will support me in following my dream and let me support them in following theirs.....
so universe if you are listening, please please please hear my wish :-)
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