in the background...and for the first year in a long time i have someone special to spend nye with...not even like we're doing anything exciting - well not by other people's standards! but we are quite content with an evening at home together...
i made a lovely dinner: marinated lamb cutlets (garlic and olive oil) with salad (roast sweet potato, fetta, pine nuts and leaves) followed by pavlova topped with whipped cream and berries...
a cup of tea when it gets a bit cooler and most likely neither of us will even see midnight...
it's been a LONG time since i've had a nye i have enjoyed (bar the odd unplanned one which turned out ok) so it's not only nice to have benny to share this one with, but also fabulous that he is even less enthused than i am about fighting with a gazillion drunken people to find a spot so we can see fireworks - no doubt they will be good, but if you add up all the fireworks i've seen during my lifetime (i'm nearing 40 remember, and lived in the UK where bonfire night, aka guy fawkes night) then seriously, how different can this year's display be?
anyway, that's kinda irrelevant! 2008 brought many many wonderful things into my life, some planned and some not - methinks that my unusually positive attitude may have helped so i will end 2008 in the same way i started (with one major difference - my wonderful ben)...
wishing all of my loved ones a wonderful evening, a great 2009 and many many more years of health, happiness and friendship xox
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
'fucking retire already...
and give someone else the bat'...
this was ben's response to the SMH article this morning suggesting that matthew hayden has decided to continue in his spot as opening batsman...
have to tell you, i agree with ben! don't get me wrong, hayden has been one of australia's most solid openers for many years, but in the last few series his form has been questionable...and by questionable i mean well below his best...
a part of me wonders why people choose to go on past their best? maybe he can't see a life for himself outside of cricket? maybe he doesn't think there's anyone better than him to open the batting right now (altho arguably that's not his decision), maybe he thinks that his previous form will return?
who really knows what's going thru his head? difficult decision for him no doubt...but for someone who has contributed so much to the game, is he comfortable with letting people remember his current form? coz seriously, people rarely remember the good times when the not so good times are the last they see...
peter roebuck - are you there? what do you have to say about all of this?
this was ben's response to the SMH article this morning suggesting that matthew hayden has decided to continue in his spot as opening batsman...
have to tell you, i agree with ben! don't get me wrong, hayden has been one of australia's most solid openers for many years, but in the last few series his form has been questionable...and by questionable i mean well below his best...
a part of me wonders why people choose to go on past their best? maybe he can't see a life for himself outside of cricket? maybe he doesn't think there's anyone better than him to open the batting right now (altho arguably that's not his decision), maybe he thinks that his previous form will return?
who really knows what's going thru his head? difficult decision for him no doubt...but for someone who has contributed so much to the game, is he comfortable with letting people remember his current form? coz seriously, people rarely remember the good times when the not so good times are the last they see...
peter roebuck - are you there? what do you have to say about all of this?
Monday, December 22, 2008
addiction...
kind of an apt title for what i'm gonna write about tonight...
see i'm addicted right now to james frey's latest book : bright shiny morning...
ironically (or otherwise) james frey came to fame on oprah having gotten over a number of addictions and written a book about it (which to my surprise, she promoted as part of her book club) - the book in question, which i loved by the way, was called a million little pieces...
it's one man's amazing (if not at times, slightly unbelievable) story about his journey with addiction and how he came to get clean! heart felt, real, gritty, inspiring, in parts so sad it made you cry no matter where you were reading it...
anyway, so the one i'm reading now is his third book (there was a sequel to a million little pieces called my friend leonard) and his first novel! it's his usual style - minimal punctuation but good, can't put it down good, so good i chose it over trashy mags whilst having a pedicure done, so good i am tempted to read late into the night tonight and call in sick tomorrow...
but i won't!
anyway, it's good, read it!
see i'm addicted right now to james frey's latest book : bright shiny morning...
ironically (or otherwise) james frey came to fame on oprah having gotten over a number of addictions and written a book about it (which to my surprise, she promoted as part of her book club) - the book in question, which i loved by the way, was called a million little pieces...
it's one man's amazing (if not at times, slightly unbelievable) story about his journey with addiction and how he came to get clean! heart felt, real, gritty, inspiring, in parts so sad it made you cry no matter where you were reading it...
anyway, so the one i'm reading now is his third book (there was a sequel to a million little pieces called my friend leonard) and his first novel! it's his usual style - minimal punctuation but good, can't put it down good, so good i chose it over trashy mags whilst having a pedicure done, so good i am tempted to read late into the night tonight and call in sick tomorrow...
but i won't!
anyway, it's good, read it!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
reflecting on the year that was...
only five more sleeps and then it's xmas, which means only 21 more sleeps until my birthday, and of course in between all that, the start of a new year.....can you believe it? this year has gone SO amazingly fast...
guess there's probably a few reasons for that! one is that i was determined to do things a little differently this year - i'm not really one for new years resolutions (i never understand why people have to wait for an external event to decide on making change in their lives...) and this is probably evidenced by the fact that almost every significant change i instigate in my life is NEVER in the first few weeks of January...this is probably largely due to the inevitable mean reds that often descend upon me at this time - a time of reflection and usually disappointment! not so 2008, this one started a whole lot differently, and what a difference it has made!
2008 has indeed, on the whole, been a fabulous year!
i am now only 2 modules and 140 hours supervised work away from qualifiying as a counsellor! which is not amazing to anyone who knows me well and knows my passion for helping others....but is a long way from the path i found myself on (note use of words found myself, rather than chosen!) only 18 months ago...
i have plans to become accredited as an exec coach, so that i can combine counselling and coaching when i start my own business...
i have sorted out the financial side of my life such that if i choose, i can give up fulltime corporate work on 19 dec 09 (which is now less than a year away)...
i have 2 of my own web domains and plenty of ideas for the business...i've even done a business plan and worked out how many coaching clients i would need in order to give up corporate work for good...
i have spent much more of this year 'being' rather than 'doing' and you know what? it pays off..
and last but by no means least, i am enjoying a wonderful relationship with ben - the sort of relationship i used to tell my own therapist about and thought might never happen - i had all but forgotten the joy of having a supportive and caring partner - of finding solace in being part of a 'couple', in having someone to come home to every day, in having someone to go to sleep with every night and to wake up with every morning...the simple things in life really are the best...
sooooo as 2008 draws to a close and 2009 begins, my hope will be that i take whatever i have learned this year with me, and discard the stuff that just doesn't matter anymore so that 2009 (the year of my 40th birthday) will be my best year yet...
wishing you and yours a very merry xmas...
guess there's probably a few reasons for that! one is that i was determined to do things a little differently this year - i'm not really one for new years resolutions (i never understand why people have to wait for an external event to decide on making change in their lives...) and this is probably evidenced by the fact that almost every significant change i instigate in my life is NEVER in the first few weeks of January...this is probably largely due to the inevitable mean reds that often descend upon me at this time - a time of reflection and usually disappointment! not so 2008, this one started a whole lot differently, and what a difference it has made!
2008 has indeed, on the whole, been a fabulous year!
i am now only 2 modules and 140 hours supervised work away from qualifiying as a counsellor! which is not amazing to anyone who knows me well and knows my passion for helping others....but is a long way from the path i found myself on (note use of words found myself, rather than chosen!) only 18 months ago...
i have plans to become accredited as an exec coach, so that i can combine counselling and coaching when i start my own business...
i have sorted out the financial side of my life such that if i choose, i can give up fulltime corporate work on 19 dec 09 (which is now less than a year away)...
i have 2 of my own web domains and plenty of ideas for the business...i've even done a business plan and worked out how many coaching clients i would need in order to give up corporate work for good...
i have spent much more of this year 'being' rather than 'doing' and you know what? it pays off..
and last but by no means least, i am enjoying a wonderful relationship with ben - the sort of relationship i used to tell my own therapist about and thought might never happen - i had all but forgotten the joy of having a supportive and caring partner - of finding solace in being part of a 'couple', in having someone to come home to every day, in having someone to go to sleep with every night and to wake up with every morning...the simple things in life really are the best...
sooooo as 2008 draws to a close and 2009 begins, my hope will be that i take whatever i have learned this year with me, and discard the stuff that just doesn't matter anymore so that 2009 (the year of my 40th birthday) will be my best year yet...
wishing you and yours a very merry xmas...
Monday, December 15, 2008
unsure where to start...
there's nothing particularly noteworthy to report this week other than our new tv! and my high distinction...
so i'll start with the new tv! ben and i have been looking around at tv's casually (ie not in a remotely serious way) for some months - we kinda settled on the samsung series 6 lcd - anything bigger than 42inches but we weren't ready to shell out $3,500 or something like that....
so imagine my surprise when catch of the day (i've already blogged about this current addiction) has the one we are looking for, but slightly bigger (ie 46 inches) and much cheaper than jb hifi as their 'catch' - $1,800 no less which is almost a 50% savings....
so could i help myself?
of course i bloody couldn't! so now we have a ridiculously big tv which in fact, is too big for the tv unit...
guess there'll be a new tv unit next!
also, and MUCH more importantly, i got a high distinction for my first assignment in this module...quite a surprise really as i had been sick and handed it in nearly 3 weeks late (with permission) and ended up pulling it together in a lot less time than i would usually spend...
in other news, i only have 6 more work days to go before xmas! and how relieved am i, altho my 'customer' does seem to have taken his head out of his arse of late and is now behaving in a way much more akin to being a human being....wonder if it will last?
i have mixed feelings about xmas but not gonna go into that here...
and it seems there are very few people (and by people, i mean cupcake manufacturers) who are working in early january...
which ordinarily i couldn't give a toss about but since i want cupcakes for my birthday party, this is now becoming an issue!!!
sooooo if you know any good cupcake manufacturers who will be working in early jan, then pls let me know!
so i'll start with the new tv! ben and i have been looking around at tv's casually (ie not in a remotely serious way) for some months - we kinda settled on the samsung series 6 lcd - anything bigger than 42inches but we weren't ready to shell out $3,500 or something like that....
so imagine my surprise when catch of the day (i've already blogged about this current addiction) has the one we are looking for, but slightly bigger (ie 46 inches) and much cheaper than jb hifi as their 'catch' - $1,800 no less which is almost a 50% savings....
so could i help myself?
of course i bloody couldn't! so now we have a ridiculously big tv which in fact, is too big for the tv unit...
guess there'll be a new tv unit next!
also, and MUCH more importantly, i got a high distinction for my first assignment in this module...quite a surprise really as i had been sick and handed it in nearly 3 weeks late (with permission) and ended up pulling it together in a lot less time than i would usually spend...
in other news, i only have 6 more work days to go before xmas! and how relieved am i, altho my 'customer' does seem to have taken his head out of his arse of late and is now behaving in a way much more akin to being a human being....wonder if it will last?
i have mixed feelings about xmas but not gonna go into that here...
and it seems there are very few people (and by people, i mean cupcake manufacturers) who are working in early january...
which ordinarily i couldn't give a toss about but since i want cupcakes for my birthday party, this is now becoming an issue!!!
sooooo if you know any good cupcake manufacturers who will be working in early jan, then pls let me know!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
relationships are
all about give and take (or so they say), about having ups and downs, and apparently about never having to say you're sorry!
well i'm not sure i believe that! give and take - well, my view is, if it's the right person then it won't feel much like a compromise (as i think that's what give and take means in this context)....never saying you're sorry, even when you should be and have done something wrong, is just plain taking someone for granted!
loving someone is about accepting them for who they are, about appreciating their differences, about recognising they will do things in a way you might not, about being there for them when they are having a bad day, and knowing they will be there for you when you are having a bad day...
and then there are the ups and downs - the ups are good - problem is if you always have them (which we mostly do) then the downs are downright awful...and no matter how many you have (and thankfully i can count on just 2 fingers the downs that ben and i have had in 9 lovely months together) they always feel awful...
heart breakingly, soul destroyingly, scarily awful...guess they wouldn't be so awful if you didn't love someone with every fibre of your being, so if the only way to avoid them is to not love, then it's not worth it!
being in love, being loved and loving someone are well worth the occasional pothole in the road we call life...
i love you ben parkes!
well i'm not sure i believe that! give and take - well, my view is, if it's the right person then it won't feel much like a compromise (as i think that's what give and take means in this context)....never saying you're sorry, even when you should be and have done something wrong, is just plain taking someone for granted!
loving someone is about accepting them for who they are, about appreciating their differences, about recognising they will do things in a way you might not, about being there for them when they are having a bad day, and knowing they will be there for you when you are having a bad day...
and then there are the ups and downs - the ups are good - problem is if you always have them (which we mostly do) then the downs are downright awful...and no matter how many you have (and thankfully i can count on just 2 fingers the downs that ben and i have had in 9 lovely months together) they always feel awful...
heart breakingly, soul destroyingly, scarily awful...guess they wouldn't be so awful if you didn't love someone with every fibre of your being, so if the only way to avoid them is to not love, then it's not worth it!
being in love, being loved and loving someone are well worth the occasional pothole in the road we call life...
i love you ben parkes!
Monday, December 8, 2008
i am tired..
really really tired
- tired of things in my body going wrong
- tired of having to work with people who are capable of neither empathy or integrity
- tired of carrying round a whole lot of my mother's fears, and this isn't her fault necessarily, i'm just tired of having her voice in my head when i would be much better off listening to my own - why won't it go away - i thought i'd done enough therapy...apparently not
- tired of feeling like when i need people they just aren't there
- tired of being disappointed so often
- tired of worrying about what other people think, and even though it's only a tiny tiny part of me, when i'm tired and run down, it seems to become more important to me
- tired of being sad about the childhood i didn't have
- tired of regetting things i say coz i'm not very assertive (despite what people think)
- tired of people thinking i'm strong and resilient coz i'm actually just as human as the next person
- tired of beating myself up for every little imperfection
- tired of trying to please everyone - i just can't
i'm just really really tired and when i really needed someone to talk to last week, the one person who always tells me to call in a crisis hasn't even returned my call...i guess it's possible she didn't get my message but i feel really let down, really abandoned and the voices in my head are going into overdrive, and usually i would know what to do to stop them, but i don't seem to have any reserves left and i'm feeling scared..
i'm not sure how much more i can take and i'm not really sure what to do about it
i'm so tired i think i could sleep forever...
- tired of things in my body going wrong
- tired of having to work with people who are capable of neither empathy or integrity
- tired of carrying round a whole lot of my mother's fears, and this isn't her fault necessarily, i'm just tired of having her voice in my head when i would be much better off listening to my own - why won't it go away - i thought i'd done enough therapy...apparently not
- tired of feeling like when i need people they just aren't there
- tired of being disappointed so often
- tired of worrying about what other people think, and even though it's only a tiny tiny part of me, when i'm tired and run down, it seems to become more important to me
- tired of being sad about the childhood i didn't have
- tired of regetting things i say coz i'm not very assertive (despite what people think)
- tired of people thinking i'm strong and resilient coz i'm actually just as human as the next person
- tired of beating myself up for every little imperfection
- tired of trying to please everyone - i just can't
i'm just really really tired and when i really needed someone to talk to last week, the one person who always tells me to call in a crisis hasn't even returned my call...i guess it's possible she didn't get my message but i feel really let down, really abandoned and the voices in my head are going into overdrive, and usually i would know what to do to stop them, but i don't seem to have any reserves left and i'm feeling scared..
i'm not sure how much more i can take and i'm not really sure what to do about it
i'm so tired i think i could sleep forever...
Sunday, December 7, 2008
the means reds....
is the only way i can describe my general mood....
and nothing in particular is wrong...mmm let me think about that! actually it's bullshit - my health is still a cause of concern for me and no doubt i'll be back at the doctors/specialists if not before xmas then very shortly afterwards...
the news i got the other week is now 2 weeks old and yet it seems i have not fully accepted it yet - and it's not like it was devastating but i'm still coming to terms with what it all means...
add that to some family (not even my own) drama earlier in the week and working with a guy i neither like nor respect (he's the only one - i like pretty much everyone else i work with) and it's really not a good recipe...
so i'm just plodding along! hoping that something will eventually help me to snap out of it - and it's not like i'm in a bad mood - i'm actually just a little sad and vulnerable...
if i lived in new york i know what i'd do! but i don't which is a good thing really as a) it's winter in nyc and b) i love sydney...so i'm just gonna keep plodding on doing the occasional bit of retail therapy (did some today - red shoes, red bag, navy blue jacket...) and indulge myself with chocolate or tim tams (regularly!) and hope that xmas (and my 2 weeks off) will help alleviate my malaise....
and nothing in particular is wrong...mmm let me think about that! actually it's bullshit - my health is still a cause of concern for me and no doubt i'll be back at the doctors/specialists if not before xmas then very shortly afterwards...
the news i got the other week is now 2 weeks old and yet it seems i have not fully accepted it yet - and it's not like it was devastating but i'm still coming to terms with what it all means...
add that to some family (not even my own) drama earlier in the week and working with a guy i neither like nor respect (he's the only one - i like pretty much everyone else i work with) and it's really not a good recipe...
so i'm just plodding along! hoping that something will eventually help me to snap out of it - and it's not like i'm in a bad mood - i'm actually just a little sad and vulnerable...
if i lived in new york i know what i'd do! but i don't which is a good thing really as a) it's winter in nyc and b) i love sydney...so i'm just gonna keep plodding on doing the occasional bit of retail therapy (did some today - red shoes, red bag, navy blue jacket...) and indulge myself with chocolate or tim tams (regularly!) and hope that xmas (and my 2 weeks off) will help alleviate my malaise....
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
epiphany...
i had one this morning, whilst telling ben about one of my very abstract dreams...
i'm studying counselling (most of you will know this already) and in all trainee counsellors curriculum is a significant chunk of psychodynamic therapy (or freudian analysis). and you might be wondering why? well even though there is much criticism these days of freud's theories and in some instances his techniques, he is undoubtedly the father of therapy as we know it (so those of you that have benefited from therapy ultimately have him to thank!)...
one of the techniques that psychotherapists use is 'free association'...you may or may not know that a significant component of the therapeutic work in a psychodynamic relationship is based on the dreams of the client and more specifically where the client themselves free associates about the dream they had...free associating meaning simply that the client talks about the dream and what they think it means and anything else that comes to mind - it's reasonably unstructured and usually not driven by the therapist (ie no questions etc)...
well until this morning i had understood and grasped the concept in a purely theoretical text book sense - then this morning, as i'm telling benny my dream and trying to think about what it might mean given what's going on in my life right now - it hit me! this is the value of free association
see it's easy to tell someone your dream and have them try and 'analyse' it for you - but they aren't inside your head, they aren't seeing the world the way you do, they aren't reacting to the things in your life the way you do, so no matter how much of your life you choose to share with them, they simply aren't you!
and maybe just maybe this free association, this analysing your own dreams is the key to moving the unconscious into the conscious...
you know what? i think mr freud was onto something...
i'm studying counselling (most of you will know this already) and in all trainee counsellors curriculum is a significant chunk of psychodynamic therapy (or freudian analysis). and you might be wondering why? well even though there is much criticism these days of freud's theories and in some instances his techniques, he is undoubtedly the father of therapy as we know it (so those of you that have benefited from therapy ultimately have him to thank!)...
one of the techniques that psychotherapists use is 'free association'...you may or may not know that a significant component of the therapeutic work in a psychodynamic relationship is based on the dreams of the client and more specifically where the client themselves free associates about the dream they had...free associating meaning simply that the client talks about the dream and what they think it means and anything else that comes to mind - it's reasonably unstructured and usually not driven by the therapist (ie no questions etc)...
well until this morning i had understood and grasped the concept in a purely theoretical text book sense - then this morning, as i'm telling benny my dream and trying to think about what it might mean given what's going on in my life right now - it hit me! this is the value of free association
see it's easy to tell someone your dream and have them try and 'analyse' it for you - but they aren't inside your head, they aren't seeing the world the way you do, they aren't reacting to the things in your life the way you do, so no matter how much of your life you choose to share with them, they simply aren't you!
and maybe just maybe this free association, this analysing your own dreams is the key to moving the unconscious into the conscious...
you know what? i think mr freud was onto something...
Monday, November 24, 2008
chuffed, absolutely chuffed
sometimes having no expectations at all is the best way to avoid being disappoined, but absolutely chuffed!
so i called a meeting with my boss today - following the continuing decline in my health and the news i recieved friday which is impacting my ability to focus - so i could update her on where i was at and once we'd talked about that she pulls out an envelope..
see it's bonus time at work and because i've changed careers this year (and initially to a job where i was probably paid more than double what my colleagues were doing due to my previous seniority) i didn't expect any sort of increase or bonus...
so imagine my delight when she opens the envelope and reads out the contents!
thank you universe! and thank you work for sending me this sign that i am valued...
so i called a meeting with my boss today - following the continuing decline in my health and the news i recieved friday which is impacting my ability to focus - so i could update her on where i was at and once we'd talked about that she pulls out an envelope..
see it's bonus time at work and because i've changed careers this year (and initially to a job where i was probably paid more than double what my colleagues were doing due to my previous seniority) i didn't expect any sort of increase or bonus...
so imagine my delight when she opens the envelope and reads out the contents!
thank you universe! and thank you work for sending me this sign that i am valued...
Saturday, November 22, 2008
life can be cruel sometimes...
this is gonna be cryptic (so i apologise in advance) as what i want to post is a little personal...
see i got some news yesterday which has kind of shaken me up a little...it's not tragic, it's not life threatening and honestly, it's not something i am shocked about, but it has taken away my choice...
not only has it taken away my choice, it's kinda final...nothing me or anyone else can really do about it, and it made me sad...
so sad i cried when the doctor told me, so sad when i got home and ben asked me what happened i cried on him for ages, so sad that everytime i thought about it for the next 24 hours or so it made me really sad...
and honestly, i'm not sure it has changed what may have happened anyway, but still, i no longer have a choice and i certainly no longer have any control over the outcome...
life can be cruel sometimes, and whilst i will accept this with grace (bar my outburst to my mother - i'm sorry mum) and will do my level best to make it easier for myself, i think that a couple of days of self indulgence (which has included retail therapy and tim tams) is warranted as i ease myself into a new way of thinking about the possibility which has now been taken away...
guess with everything that happens to us it's an opportunity to learn and to take stock - yep, well i've done that! and i think actually that it will make me focus more on who i want to be and what i want to be doing, so it might just be ok...
see i got some news yesterday which has kind of shaken me up a little...it's not tragic, it's not life threatening and honestly, it's not something i am shocked about, but it has taken away my choice...
not only has it taken away my choice, it's kinda final...nothing me or anyone else can really do about it, and it made me sad...
so sad i cried when the doctor told me, so sad when i got home and ben asked me what happened i cried on him for ages, so sad that everytime i thought about it for the next 24 hours or so it made me really sad...
and honestly, i'm not sure it has changed what may have happened anyway, but still, i no longer have a choice and i certainly no longer have any control over the outcome...
life can be cruel sometimes, and whilst i will accept this with grace (bar my outburst to my mother - i'm sorry mum) and will do my level best to make it easier for myself, i think that a couple of days of self indulgence (which has included retail therapy and tim tams) is warranted as i ease myself into a new way of thinking about the possibility which has now been taken away...
guess with everything that happens to us it's an opportunity to learn and to take stock - yep, well i've done that! and i think actually that it will make me focus more on who i want to be and what i want to be doing, so it might just be ok...
there is no better biscuit than the
tim tam...
i love biscuits - i always have! even as a kid i used to love it when mum bought biscuits - sometimes she even used to make biscuits...
in england (before we moved here) i used to favour the penguin biscuit - they are uncannily similar to the tim tam!
and now, well seriously, the tim tam is the ultimate biscuit - especially when the packet has been in the fridge, and especially when you are having a bad day, and with a cup of tea, and when they are on special at coles (even tho i usually shop at woolworths)...actually they are pretty damn good any old time!
long may the tim tam grace the shelves of the biscuit aisle...
i love biscuits - i always have! even as a kid i used to love it when mum bought biscuits - sometimes she even used to make biscuits...
in england (before we moved here) i used to favour the penguin biscuit - they are uncannily similar to the tim tam!
and now, well seriously, the tim tam is the ultimate biscuit - especially when the packet has been in the fridge, and especially when you are having a bad day, and with a cup of tea, and when they are on special at coles (even tho i usually shop at woolworths)...actually they are pretty damn good any old time!
long may the tim tam grace the shelves of the biscuit aisle...
Friday, November 21, 2008
current addictions...
picked this up from a blog i read occasionally - if you wanna do it here are the rules:
title your post 'current addictions'
list at least 5 current addictions
mention the person who got you onto it
tag two others
1) books
what more needs to be said, really? i've posted about this addiction before....but today (having had some very bad news) i took myself off for some retail therapy (haven't done that in ages) and once i'd given target the once over (and i mean once over - left there with 4 bags of stuff, mainly xmas presents for other people, but still, retail therapy...) i took the bags to the car, came back in and went to dymocks! i was actually looking for just one book (by an author who's first book i loved) but they didn't have it - however what i found was that people who work in book stores usually have an interest in books, and these 3 particular sales people (yep, it wasn't very busy so i had most of the staff to myself) loved books, and before you know it, i've walked out of there with not one book but six!
2) catch of the day
and i'm not talking about fish! this is something the young grads at work have got me onto - it's a website that everyday at midday has a 'catch of the day' - generally a product that's kinda cool and usually massively discounted...sorry to say it, but having only been registered on there for about 10 days, i have made 5 purchases! yep, i'm addicted...
3) tea
and who wouldn't be? seriously? i love my tea and moreso since ben and i started going out coz he loves it too, and more often than not, he makes it for me! so i now not only love the actual tea itself, but the ritual (actually, always did, but it's way nicer to share it with someone special)...right now we're drinking T2 Daintree tea (as the name suggests grown here in the australian daintree forest - low tanin and low caffeine)...
4) cricket
and of course i'm always addicted to cricket, but it's summer so now my addiction at least is being fed! enjoyed the tour of india (well done to them) and now it's nice to have the cricket broadcast on free to air tv during daylight hours....and of course now it's on Channel 9 i can enjoy my cricket with commentary from my favourite commentator, who other than richie benaud...
5) love...
i've always believed that true love might not find me...how wrong i was! the feeling of love that two people can create is addictive and i'm thrilled ben found me
to nicole (aka nicole in london) thanks! enjoyed your meme...good to see you writing again!
laurel and mjb - if either of you read this (as my most loyal readers!) then i'm tagging you!
sar
x
title your post 'current addictions'
list at least 5 current addictions
mention the person who got you onto it
tag two others
1) books
what more needs to be said, really? i've posted about this addiction before....but today (having had some very bad news) i took myself off for some retail therapy (haven't done that in ages) and once i'd given target the once over (and i mean once over - left there with 4 bags of stuff, mainly xmas presents for other people, but still, retail therapy...) i took the bags to the car, came back in and went to dymocks! i was actually looking for just one book (by an author who's first book i loved) but they didn't have it - however what i found was that people who work in book stores usually have an interest in books, and these 3 particular sales people (yep, it wasn't very busy so i had most of the staff to myself) loved books, and before you know it, i've walked out of there with not one book but six!
2) catch of the day
and i'm not talking about fish! this is something the young grads at work have got me onto - it's a website that everyday at midday has a 'catch of the day' - generally a product that's kinda cool and usually massively discounted...sorry to say it, but having only been registered on there for about 10 days, i have made 5 purchases! yep, i'm addicted...
3) tea
and who wouldn't be? seriously? i love my tea and moreso since ben and i started going out coz he loves it too, and more often than not, he makes it for me! so i now not only love the actual tea itself, but the ritual (actually, always did, but it's way nicer to share it with someone special)...right now we're drinking T2 Daintree tea (as the name suggests grown here in the australian daintree forest - low tanin and low caffeine)...
4) cricket
and of course i'm always addicted to cricket, but it's summer so now my addiction at least is being fed! enjoyed the tour of india (well done to them) and now it's nice to have the cricket broadcast on free to air tv during daylight hours....and of course now it's on Channel 9 i can enjoy my cricket with commentary from my favourite commentator, who other than richie benaud...
5) love...
i've always believed that true love might not find me...how wrong i was! the feeling of love that two people can create is addictive and i'm thrilled ben found me
to nicole (aka nicole in london) thanks! enjoyed your meme...good to see you writing again!
laurel and mjb - if either of you read this (as my most loyal readers!) then i'm tagging you!
sar
x
Saturday, November 15, 2008
thought i was getting better
turns out maybe i'm not...
the pain woke me up at midnight and 3am this morning and at 3am i just sobbed on ben...
i'm beginning to wonder if i'm ever gonna feel good again
it's tiring, it's draining, i'm over it, i don't wanna live my life like this
please let them work out what's wrong with me and soon
the pain woke me up at midnight and 3am this morning and at 3am i just sobbed on ben...
i'm beginning to wonder if i'm ever gonna feel good again
it's tiring, it's draining, i'm over it, i don't wanna live my life like this
please let them work out what's wrong with me and soon
Thursday, November 13, 2008
incensed...
was the only word i could come up with to describe how i felt after reading an article about michelle obama..
it was almost entirely dedicated to her size, her shape and her dress sense - a throw away line at the end about her being a lawyer and mother!
it's no wonder there are loads of people who think journalist's are vultures who prey on defenceless creatures...
what fucking difference does it make what size or shape this woman is - who cares?
is it any wonder that between the talk of her physical being and all the money spent on trying to make Sarah Palin something she's not during the run up to the election, young girls (and even young men) are obsessed with how they look?
find something interesting to report, please....
it was almost entirely dedicated to her size, her shape and her dress sense - a throw away line at the end about her being a lawyer and mother!
it's no wonder there are loads of people who think journalist's are vultures who prey on defenceless creatures...
what fucking difference does it make what size or shape this woman is - who cares?
is it any wonder that between the talk of her physical being and all the money spent on trying to make Sarah Palin something she's not during the run up to the election, young girls (and even young men) are obsessed with how they look?
find something interesting to report, please....
Monday, November 10, 2008
i'm sick...
not really much else to say really...
been going on for a little over a week (but turns out some other things that were happening about a month ago a all related)...
seeing specialist on wednesday, hoping he can fix me
i'm over being sick - feels like a long time since i felt 100% - maybe it's time to rethink just how well i am suited to corporate life.....
been going on for a little over a week (but turns out some other things that were happening about a month ago a all related)...
seeing specialist on wednesday, hoping he can fix me
i'm over being sick - feels like a long time since i felt 100% - maybe it's time to rethink just how well i am suited to corporate life.....
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
the race that stops a nation...
definitely made me stop today...coz for the first time ever i picked the trifecta! sadly i only put 50c on it, and even more sadly i didn't back the first four (all 4 were in my trifecta bet) but i still came away with a little over $10,000...
yep, you read it correctly $10,000 - insane amount of money and surely the best return i'll ever get for a $30 investment??
not only that, every where ben and i went, we got a parking space...
so i was feeling sooooo lucky i bought an extra lotto ticket - won't know til tomorrow if we were lucky there too...
thank you universe...
yep, you read it correctly $10,000 - insane amount of money and surely the best return i'll ever get for a $30 investment??
not only that, every where ben and i went, we got a parking space...
so i was feeling sooooo lucky i bought an extra lotto ticket - won't know til tomorrow if we were lucky there too...
thank you universe...
Monday, November 3, 2008
did you know that it's only 52 sleeps until xmas...
and you are wondering how the fuck i know this???
well i called my sister today, to talk to my nephew, but she answers first...she asks me how i am (see i had an IUD put in friday) and i say ok - bar some minor discomfort on the weekend all good - in the background my nephew is asking her what we are talking about - she replies 'secret women's business'...so a few minutes later when i am ready to talk to him he says "i don't want to talk about aunty's vagina"...funny kid that one!
so we get talking about secrets and the reason i called was to ask him what colour mp3/ipod he wants - i give him the colours it comes in and he tells me what his preference is - of course i do all this without actually telling him what i am getting him...despite his constant pestering...
so then i tell him a secret: i tell him that for xmas i am buying his grandmother (my mum) a suitcase...he says he doesn't think she will like that but agrees to keep it a secret anyway...so then i tell both my mum and dad i've told him this 'secret' and they are to let me know if he tells them
now i'm not a betting woman (well not usually - tomorrow i will make an exception) but i would bet a stack of cash the little guy will not be able to keep this secret...we'll see!
so then we get back to his secret xmas present and he really wants to know when i will tell him - so i count the days to xmas on the calendar in my study as i'm chatting to him and finally say 'ok i'll tell you in 52 sleeps'...he groans
sooooo you see, that is how i know there are 52 sleeps until xmas
nite
x
well i called my sister today, to talk to my nephew, but she answers first...she asks me how i am (see i had an IUD put in friday) and i say ok - bar some minor discomfort on the weekend all good - in the background my nephew is asking her what we are talking about - she replies 'secret women's business'...so a few minutes later when i am ready to talk to him he says "i don't want to talk about aunty's vagina"...funny kid that one!
so we get talking about secrets and the reason i called was to ask him what colour mp3/ipod he wants - i give him the colours it comes in and he tells me what his preference is - of course i do all this without actually telling him what i am getting him...despite his constant pestering...
so then i tell him a secret: i tell him that for xmas i am buying his grandmother (my mum) a suitcase...he says he doesn't think she will like that but agrees to keep it a secret anyway...so then i tell both my mum and dad i've told him this 'secret' and they are to let me know if he tells them
now i'm not a betting woman (well not usually - tomorrow i will make an exception) but i would bet a stack of cash the little guy will not be able to keep this secret...we'll see!
so then we get back to his secret xmas present and he really wants to know when i will tell him - so i count the days to xmas on the calendar in my study as i'm chatting to him and finally say 'ok i'll tell you in 52 sleeps'...he groans
sooooo you see, that is how i know there are 52 sleeps until xmas
nite
x
Sunday, November 2, 2008
i know, i know, i haven't posted
for a while...guess it's been an interesting sort of week!
work has FINALLY improved and i find myself being busier than i have been for months and one or two things i have to do are actually interesting!
things with ben are great - we have had the most wonderful few weeks - nothing in particular has sparked it - guess we are just really enjoying each other and our time together :-)
spoke to my gramps on tuesday night - made me kinda sad and that's probably the real reason i haven't blogged all week - my grandfather is getting kinda old - he was 97 earlier this year and whilst it's only been a little over a year since i saw him, he is going down hill fast - which of course, is to be expected, but i'm still sad...he's been a big and very positive influence on my life and i guess i realised on tuesday night (after a short chat with him - one where half way through one sentence he forgot what we were talking about) how much i will miss him when he does die...
some other sad news too this week - but it's not really my place to talk about it...
school good - am now 1/2 way through y 10th module - 140 hours of placement and 2 subjects to go and i'll be grad dip qualified!!! yippee...
and ben and i have started looking at houses again - we have decided upon north west rather than shire - altho shire not out of contention! so weekend after next (this weekend we're heading to canberra) we'll be heading out to pennant hills/beecroft...
au revoir for now
work has FINALLY improved and i find myself being busier than i have been for months and one or two things i have to do are actually interesting!
things with ben are great - we have had the most wonderful few weeks - nothing in particular has sparked it - guess we are just really enjoying each other and our time together :-)
spoke to my gramps on tuesday night - made me kinda sad and that's probably the real reason i haven't blogged all week - my grandfather is getting kinda old - he was 97 earlier this year and whilst it's only been a little over a year since i saw him, he is going down hill fast - which of course, is to be expected, but i'm still sad...he's been a big and very positive influence on my life and i guess i realised on tuesday night (after a short chat with him - one where half way through one sentence he forgot what we were talking about) how much i will miss him when he does die...
some other sad news too this week - but it's not really my place to talk about it...
school good - am now 1/2 way through y 10th module - 140 hours of placement and 2 subjects to go and i'll be grad dip qualified!!! yippee...
and ben and i have started looking at houses again - we have decided upon north west rather than shire - altho shire not out of contention! so weekend after next (this weekend we're heading to canberra) we'll be heading out to pennant hills/beecroft...
au revoir for now
Monday, October 27, 2008
you're like a tricycle...
without the third wheel!
this is what ben says to me this morning while we are on the train...charming! it was so funny we both laughed and now, only an hour or so later, i can't even remember what i did that prompted him to say it!
thank you baby...
this is what ben says to me this morning while we are on the train...charming! it was so funny we both laughed and now, only an hour or so later, i can't even remember what i did that prompted him to say it!
thank you baby...
Saturday, October 25, 2008
the simple things really are...
the best!
ben and i had the nicest day today.....
woke up late, had tea in bed, went back to bed for a snooze, and didn't crawl out (despite the fabulous weather) until nearly 1pm...went to manly for lunch, checked out some people, went to meet the functions girl at the steyne hotel (where i'm having my 40th), saw the room i'd tentatively booked, love it....had a look round the shops, came home, had some more tea and just hung around the house...
sure some of you will think that it was a waste of a day, but we enjoyed it...it was kinda like being on holiday at home! what could be better than that?
ben and i had the nicest day today.....
woke up late, had tea in bed, went back to bed for a snooze, and didn't crawl out (despite the fabulous weather) until nearly 1pm...went to manly for lunch, checked out some people, went to meet the functions girl at the steyne hotel (where i'm having my 40th), saw the room i'd tentatively booked, love it....had a look round the shops, came home, had some more tea and just hung around the house...
sure some of you will think that it was a waste of a day, but we enjoyed it...it was kinda like being on holiday at home! what could be better than that?
Sunday, October 19, 2008
it's been a good few days really...
despite my brief period of malaise this afternoon...brought on by my frustration at not being able to easily lose weight even though we are working really hard at it: eating well, exercising 6 days out of 7...would seem that either i've hit an age where losing weight is even harder than it used to be or the mini pill is not helping, and i don't like to use that as an excuse but when you've eaten well (read healthily) for 3 weeks and exercised every day bar one day a week for the same period, you should notice some change in your weight right? or at least if not in weight, in the tightness of some clothes...apparently it's just not that easy anymore sob sob sob...
anyway i digress! coz other than that it actually HAS been a good few days...i went to a shirt viewing on thursday and managed to buy 2 shirts in 3 minutes - not only were they very reasonably priced (usually retail for $199 and I got them for $80 each) but they fit me perfectly and made me look slim! gotta love that - actually surprised i only bought two...
made a decision on thursday (following a good chat with a sage and wise mentor at work) to stick out the current role...this has taken away some of the self imposed pressure to find things to make me look busy - frankly, it's not my fault i'm not 100% occupied - my time will come...also the guy i work for assured me that he's really keen for me to stick around when things do get busier and more interesting - that proved a much needed boost of confidence and made the decision to stay a whole lot easier...
on a more exciting note, the time i have had to think about things has in fact been well spent! i have worked out that in a little over a year i can leave corporate life in a fulltime capacity (think i've already mentioned this)...what i also worked out was that at current chargeout rates, by seeing only 3 clients a week (yep, 6 hours of work in 2 business days) i can continue to earn the same money i earn today! and here's me thinking that moving into something i love doing was going to necessitate a big pay cut...
of course, if i was trying to supplement my lost income with counselling income, it would be a pay cut but i've decided that the segue (or shall i say transition) job is going to be coaching - to me they are reasonably complementary (not that i intend to mix counselling and coaching with the same clients) and the coaching allows me to capitalise on my great corporate experience whilst doing something i love...and allows me a bit more time within which to get my Masters of Counselling...
so wednesday night before school i met up with a friend (a friend i met thru the counselling course but funnily enough in the same week i first met her, she was also doing consulting at my workplace...) for a cup of tea - we haven't seen each other for ages and not only was it lovely to catch up on her news and what's going on in her life, she also said that she would be VERY happy to refer me to the area of her work (big consulting/accounting firm) that co-ordinate their coaching providers.......
then i told this to the colleague at work who has become a bit more than a colleague on thursday, and she said she knows the same sort of contacts at another big firm, and that she would HAPPILY introduce me...
then, to top off an already good week, on friday afternoon i met up with a colleague of my friend geoff who i might have mentioned the other week (geoff and i used to work together, he left, now he's ceo of a company that does outplacement/coaching) - her name is nan...amazing meeting and one that not only ran over 30 minutes or more, but one where from minute one i felt really comfortable with this lady! she let me talk and express my ideas about how i might get to where i want to be, gave me some advice, confirmed that the accreditation course i want to do will be worth it and give me some credibility in the field, and also said that if things became untenable at my current workplace in the next 14 months, to give them a call!!!
i have always been amazed at how supportive and encouraging people are when you not only choose to follow your dream but share with them your enthusiasm and passion!
soooo it's kinda all coming together! so then this afternoon i also got myself an ABN and tomorrow hope to secure 2 domain names (ones i like!) so that eventually i won't have to settle for a domain name i neither like, nor is indicative of the work i will be doing...
don't you LOVE it when a plan comes together?
anyway i digress! coz other than that it actually HAS been a good few days...i went to a shirt viewing on thursday and managed to buy 2 shirts in 3 minutes - not only were they very reasonably priced (usually retail for $199 and I got them for $80 each) but they fit me perfectly and made me look slim! gotta love that - actually surprised i only bought two...
made a decision on thursday (following a good chat with a sage and wise mentor at work) to stick out the current role...this has taken away some of the self imposed pressure to find things to make me look busy - frankly, it's not my fault i'm not 100% occupied - my time will come...also the guy i work for assured me that he's really keen for me to stick around when things do get busier and more interesting - that proved a much needed boost of confidence and made the decision to stay a whole lot easier...
on a more exciting note, the time i have had to think about things has in fact been well spent! i have worked out that in a little over a year i can leave corporate life in a fulltime capacity (think i've already mentioned this)...what i also worked out was that at current chargeout rates, by seeing only 3 clients a week (yep, 6 hours of work in 2 business days) i can continue to earn the same money i earn today! and here's me thinking that moving into something i love doing was going to necessitate a big pay cut...
of course, if i was trying to supplement my lost income with counselling income, it would be a pay cut but i've decided that the segue (or shall i say transition) job is going to be coaching - to me they are reasonably complementary (not that i intend to mix counselling and coaching with the same clients) and the coaching allows me to capitalise on my great corporate experience whilst doing something i love...and allows me a bit more time within which to get my Masters of Counselling...
so wednesday night before school i met up with a friend (a friend i met thru the counselling course but funnily enough in the same week i first met her, she was also doing consulting at my workplace...) for a cup of tea - we haven't seen each other for ages and not only was it lovely to catch up on her news and what's going on in her life, she also said that she would be VERY happy to refer me to the area of her work (big consulting/accounting firm) that co-ordinate their coaching providers.......
then i told this to the colleague at work who has become a bit more than a colleague on thursday, and she said she knows the same sort of contacts at another big firm, and that she would HAPPILY introduce me...
then, to top off an already good week, on friday afternoon i met up with a colleague of my friend geoff who i might have mentioned the other week (geoff and i used to work together, he left, now he's ceo of a company that does outplacement/coaching) - her name is nan...amazing meeting and one that not only ran over 30 minutes or more, but one where from minute one i felt really comfortable with this lady! she let me talk and express my ideas about how i might get to where i want to be, gave me some advice, confirmed that the accreditation course i want to do will be worth it and give me some credibility in the field, and also said that if things became untenable at my current workplace in the next 14 months, to give them a call!!!
i have always been amazed at how supportive and encouraging people are when you not only choose to follow your dream but share with them your enthusiasm and passion!
soooo it's kinda all coming together! so then this afternoon i also got myself an ABN and tomorrow hope to secure 2 domain names (ones i like!) so that eventually i won't have to settle for a domain name i neither like, nor is indicative of the work i will be doing...
don't you LOVE it when a plan comes together?
Friday, October 17, 2008
ben is always saying
he's gonna write a letter! you know when someone pisses him off, when a company doesn't live up to it's promise, when people just generally behave badly etc etc...
so i took a leaf out of his book and wrote my own letter today! to someone i thought i would NEVER have to write a letter to!
yep, sad but true - Tiffany's warranted a letter! and not a good one let me tell you! i had nothing short of a bad experience in there today and so decided rather than let it just go i would complain - so i went onto their website and wrote them an email - a blunt email about how dissatisfied i was...
let's see what happens! methinks probably nothing, but i got a small amount of satisfaction just from writing it - wonder how long that will last....
so i took a leaf out of his book and wrote my own letter today! to someone i thought i would NEVER have to write a letter to!
yep, sad but true - Tiffany's warranted a letter! and not a good one let me tell you! i had nothing short of a bad experience in there today and so decided rather than let it just go i would complain - so i went onto their website and wrote them an email - a blunt email about how dissatisfied i was...
let's see what happens! methinks probably nothing, but i got a small amount of satisfaction just from writing it - wonder how long that will last....
Thursday, October 16, 2008
inspired...
is how i felt lastnight - i caught up for tea with a friend from uni (one i haven't seen for a while) before uni lastnight and it was great - great to see her, great to catch up on each other's news and great that she has offered to introduce me to the person in her company who manages all 'coaches'....
i was pretty chuffed - got me thinking about all the stuff i need to think about to create a business - name, logo, website, business cards, business development (this one's kinda key and something i'm not great at)...so much so when the alarm went off this morning and ben chose to go back to sleep, i just lay there thinking of how excited i would be to wake up every morning knowing that i was doing something i love!
honestly, i'm not sure i'm gonna be able to wait 14 months - and now i know you are asking - so why am i waiting 14 months? well it's a financial reason - see when i was doing a more senior job (ie my finance job) and when i was a high performer (ie a bit more serious about the whole corporate life thingy) my employer gave me shares - however, like all such 'incentives' they come with a vesting period - in my case 3 years and so on 18 dec 2009 they will all be mine...
and frankly, i'm not one to stick around somewhere if i really hate it! and i don't actually really hate it - i'm just a little unchallenged right now, but a number of sage and trusted advisors assure me that this is par for the course when working on an integration and that things will 'busy up' soon enough!
sooo i've decided to stick this role out - coupla reasons really....one is that the person i work for is gonna be left in the lurch if i bail out now and that's not really my style! secondly is that having worked on such a project is gonna make coaching people experiencing big organisational change much easier when a) i've experienced it myself and b) it'll mean i'm more credible having lived through it...
soooo in the meantime i'm gonna try and stay positive about work, remember why i'm there, and plan for my future! a future that's gonna involve a lot more passion in my work and one where i am truly helping people....
bring it on!
i was pretty chuffed - got me thinking about all the stuff i need to think about to create a business - name, logo, website, business cards, business development (this one's kinda key and something i'm not great at)...so much so when the alarm went off this morning and ben chose to go back to sleep, i just lay there thinking of how excited i would be to wake up every morning knowing that i was doing something i love!
honestly, i'm not sure i'm gonna be able to wait 14 months - and now i know you are asking - so why am i waiting 14 months? well it's a financial reason - see when i was doing a more senior job (ie my finance job) and when i was a high performer (ie a bit more serious about the whole corporate life thingy) my employer gave me shares - however, like all such 'incentives' they come with a vesting period - in my case 3 years and so on 18 dec 2009 they will all be mine...
and frankly, i'm not one to stick around somewhere if i really hate it! and i don't actually really hate it - i'm just a little unchallenged right now, but a number of sage and trusted advisors assure me that this is par for the course when working on an integration and that things will 'busy up' soon enough!
sooo i've decided to stick this role out - coupla reasons really....one is that the person i work for is gonna be left in the lurch if i bail out now and that's not really my style! secondly is that having worked on such a project is gonna make coaching people experiencing big organisational change much easier when a) i've experienced it myself and b) it'll mean i'm more credible having lived through it...
soooo in the meantime i'm gonna try and stay positive about work, remember why i'm there, and plan for my future! a future that's gonna involve a lot more passion in my work and one where i am truly helping people....
bring it on!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
things to be grateful for....
are in number today! actually, now that i am over my little dummy spit of last week - you know the one where i had written an ENTIRE post and lost it - i am starting to try and think more positively about things...
sure, work is not what i would like, but unlike many people, i do have a job, that pays me well...
things with ben are fabulous, having him in my life is something i am grateful for at least once a day (usually way more than that but i don't want to gush....), my health is ok (it's not great and i have been fighting a lurgy for a week or so but methinks it is work related malaise....), my home is a safe haven as always, my 40th birthday celebrations are no longer a source of stress as i have confirmed a venue i'm really happy with, and sorted out the theme - only a few loose ends to tie up, i've made some good contacts with regard to my future career direction (coaching), i've met a really nice person at work who is a good sounding board and becoming a good friend...and as work continues to be unchallenging i have made some inroads into working out how to transition into something that will be more me...
really things aren't so bad - sometimes it's so easy to fall into the trap of letting one or two things cloud one's judgement and things get out of perspective way too easily - guess i'm only human, sometimes it's gonna happen!
so i'm gonna try and focus on the good stuff when work just isn't working! and hopefully by being more positive it will be the catalyst for more good things to come into my life...
sure, work is not what i would like, but unlike many people, i do have a job, that pays me well...
things with ben are fabulous, having him in my life is something i am grateful for at least once a day (usually way more than that but i don't want to gush....), my health is ok (it's not great and i have been fighting a lurgy for a week or so but methinks it is work related malaise....), my home is a safe haven as always, my 40th birthday celebrations are no longer a source of stress as i have confirmed a venue i'm really happy with, and sorted out the theme - only a few loose ends to tie up, i've made some good contacts with regard to my future career direction (coaching), i've met a really nice person at work who is a good sounding board and becoming a good friend...and as work continues to be unchallenging i have made some inroads into working out how to transition into something that will be more me...
really things aren't so bad - sometimes it's so easy to fall into the trap of letting one or two things cloud one's judgement and things get out of perspective way too easily - guess i'm only human, sometimes it's gonna happen!
so i'm gonna try and focus on the good stuff when work just isn't working! and hopefully by being more positive it will be the catalyst for more good things to come into my life...
Thursday, October 9, 2008
disenfranchised...
was what i was gonna post about tonight and ten minutes of writing has disappeared, so now, not only am i disenfranchised with work but i am really fucked off....
Sunday, October 5, 2008
doin the eagle rock....
well the sea eagles have done it - they've got the monkey of last years grand final well and truly off their backs with a stunning, stupendous, emphatic victory over the melbourne storm
couldn't happen to a better side...
40 to nil: a score line befitting the team i thought were absolutely the best all year, who's defence almost always underpinned their victories, who know absolutely what it is to play as a team, and who tonight had a team of stars on display - only one of them could get the clive churchill tonight but every one of them was in the running...
good to see them come back in sea eagles style! nice one desi hasler! and what a great way for steve 'beaver' menzies to leave the game - a try, a premiership and a brilliant career...hope the english appreciate everything you've got to offer beaver - you'll be missed at brookie...
ben tells me it's just not on to change teams and a small part of me knows that - maybe if i hadn't been a manly fan in the first place i might be feeling uncomfortable about it, and yeah it might be weird in future if the bulldogs ever play manly in a gf - guess that will really be the test ey? but i'm pretty sure that i'm switching the order back, actually maybe i'm just switching back...
so the next question is what to do with all my bulldogs gear???
couldn't happen to a better side...
40 to nil: a score line befitting the team i thought were absolutely the best all year, who's defence almost always underpinned their victories, who know absolutely what it is to play as a team, and who tonight had a team of stars on display - only one of them could get the clive churchill tonight but every one of them was in the running...
good to see them come back in sea eagles style! nice one desi hasler! and what a great way for steve 'beaver' menzies to leave the game - a try, a premiership and a brilliant career...hope the english appreciate everything you've got to offer beaver - you'll be missed at brookie...
ben tells me it's just not on to change teams and a small part of me knows that - maybe if i hadn't been a manly fan in the first place i might be feeling uncomfortable about it, and yeah it might be weird in future if the bulldogs ever play manly in a gf - guess that will really be the test ey? but i'm pretty sure that i'm switching the order back, actually maybe i'm just switching back...
so the next question is what to do with all my bulldogs gear???
Thursday, October 2, 2008
re-connecting...
with people from my past seems to be the order of the week...
a lot of people from my past are very much in the forefront of my mind of late and really i can't think of what might have prompted that...
one girlfriend, who for a time was my best friend, has been on my mind for some time and even though about 9 - 10 months i chose to leave that friendship behind, i wanted to let her know this week that she had often been in my thoughts and that i hoped she was doing well...
last thursday/friday i was thinking about another close girlfriend of times gone by (we just drifted as our lives took different directions) and came across a website of photos that her husband had taken...
so this week, on monday actually, i emailed the first girlfriend to simply say hi, to let her know she was in my thoughts and to enquire about how things were going...she advised me of the death of the second girlfriends husband late last week...
the two girlfriends were not friends in their own right but knew each other through my friendships with them...
how strange that i should a) not only be thinking about susi and dion on the very day that he passed away, but that i should email the other girlfriend who told me that he had died...
i guess i'm still reeling as to not only the sadness i feel for susi and her children at the loss of dion, i am also amazed by the serendipity of having got in touch when i did...
so i have been thinking since monday a lot about dion and what he meant to me - i saw him pretty much every weekend for a period of 2 - 3 years when susi and i were spending a lot of time together - we always got on well - he was a lovely bloke - creative, talented, funny, kind and a fabulous dad...
one particular time i remember how kind he was to me and how much i appreciated what he did for me - see an ex boyfriend of mine came up from canberra, we had a big falling out and he left me a cruel and hurtful note and the situation was so frightening that i was too afraid to return to my own home alone...dion drove half way across town with me very late one night to make sure that i was safe...
so to dion: i hope you are at peace, i'm sorry you didn't get to see your lovely children grow up and i hope that you left this world with no regrets
to susi: my heart goes out to you and the children (as i said to you on the phone) and i hope that we get to re-connect some time soon
i really do believe that everything happen for a reason...
a lot of people from my past are very much in the forefront of my mind of late and really i can't think of what might have prompted that...
one girlfriend, who for a time was my best friend, has been on my mind for some time and even though about 9 - 10 months i chose to leave that friendship behind, i wanted to let her know this week that she had often been in my thoughts and that i hoped she was doing well...
last thursday/friday i was thinking about another close girlfriend of times gone by (we just drifted as our lives took different directions) and came across a website of photos that her husband had taken...
so this week, on monday actually, i emailed the first girlfriend to simply say hi, to let her know she was in my thoughts and to enquire about how things were going...she advised me of the death of the second girlfriends husband late last week...
the two girlfriends were not friends in their own right but knew each other through my friendships with them...
how strange that i should a) not only be thinking about susi and dion on the very day that he passed away, but that i should email the other girlfriend who told me that he had died...
i guess i'm still reeling as to not only the sadness i feel for susi and her children at the loss of dion, i am also amazed by the serendipity of having got in touch when i did...
so i have been thinking since monday a lot about dion and what he meant to me - i saw him pretty much every weekend for a period of 2 - 3 years when susi and i were spending a lot of time together - we always got on well - he was a lovely bloke - creative, talented, funny, kind and a fabulous dad...
one particular time i remember how kind he was to me and how much i appreciated what he did for me - see an ex boyfriend of mine came up from canberra, we had a big falling out and he left me a cruel and hurtful note and the situation was so frightening that i was too afraid to return to my own home alone...dion drove half way across town with me very late one night to make sure that i was safe...
so to dion: i hope you are at peace, i'm sorry you didn't get to see your lovely children grow up and i hope that you left this world with no regrets
to susi: my heart goes out to you and the children (as i said to you on the phone) and i hope that we get to re-connect some time soon
i really do believe that everything happen for a reason...
what do you do when you really
don't like (hate is a strong word, but methinks in this case it might actually apply) someone you work with???
the counsellor in me is trying to conjure up some empathy for this poor pathetic creature, but clearly, that's not working!
the counsellor in me is also trying to work out what it is about this person that pushes my buttons, as maybe my 'strong reaction' actually says more about me than it does about her???
anyway, i don't like her, i don't like sitting 2 desks down from her, i can't stand the sound of her stupid proper english voice and i do not want to have to work with her!!!
yep, i'm done!
the counsellor in me is trying to conjure up some empathy for this poor pathetic creature, but clearly, that's not working!
the counsellor in me is also trying to work out what it is about this person that pushes my buttons, as maybe my 'strong reaction' actually says more about me than it does about her???
anyway, i don't like her, i don't like sitting 2 desks down from her, i can't stand the sound of her stupid proper english voice and i do not want to have to work with her!!!
yep, i'm done!
Monday, September 29, 2008
it's getting pretty hard to
pretend to be busy....
i've been in this job about 6 weeks now - actually today marks the start of week 7 - and bar a few days where it's been busy, i have NOTHING to do...
it's starting to get boring - first few weeks were kinda busy doing reading, getting up to speed on what everyone else in the team was doing, helping out with recruitment etc, and a bit of admin...
so it was ok for a little while, but now it's starting to wear thin! funny, when i have nothing to do it often makes me think about how much i hate the thought of being so busy that i'd have to work long hours and when i have nothing to do i long for things to do that will fill up the day...
and i don't mean boring, routine, admin type things, i mean the sort of work that actually means you're using your brain - that you're creating something new - coming up with solutions to problems etc...
frankly, none of that sort of work seems imminent (although i keep telling myself that come Dec 1, and from then until 31 March, somethings gonna change) and i find myself wondering just how much longer i'm gonna be able to stick it out...
and then a little voice in my head (you know the sensible one we all have) reminds me that i only really have to put up with corporate life (fulltime anyway) until 18th dec 2009...
and it's funny really as until i took this particular role (and had time on my hands - time that i have spent doing some analysis of my own financial situation) i hadn't even considered that i could exit corporate life so early...
i was so bored the other week i found myself looking at seek.com - but that was more a function of working for an idiot - he's gone now so that can no longer be my rationale....i'm even meeting up with an old colleague - he works in an area i am VERY interested in pursuing part time as part of my portfolio approach (once qualified) so am going to pick his brain - a small part of me is hoping he might offer me a job!
soo see, i have been doing something with the available time...
i've been in this job about 6 weeks now - actually today marks the start of week 7 - and bar a few days where it's been busy, i have NOTHING to do...
it's starting to get boring - first few weeks were kinda busy doing reading, getting up to speed on what everyone else in the team was doing, helping out with recruitment etc, and a bit of admin...
so it was ok for a little while, but now it's starting to wear thin! funny, when i have nothing to do it often makes me think about how much i hate the thought of being so busy that i'd have to work long hours and when i have nothing to do i long for things to do that will fill up the day...
and i don't mean boring, routine, admin type things, i mean the sort of work that actually means you're using your brain - that you're creating something new - coming up with solutions to problems etc...
frankly, none of that sort of work seems imminent (although i keep telling myself that come Dec 1, and from then until 31 March, somethings gonna change) and i find myself wondering just how much longer i'm gonna be able to stick it out...
and then a little voice in my head (you know the sensible one we all have) reminds me that i only really have to put up with corporate life (fulltime anyway) until 18th dec 2009...
and it's funny really as until i took this particular role (and had time on my hands - time that i have spent doing some analysis of my own financial situation) i hadn't even considered that i could exit corporate life so early...
i was so bored the other week i found myself looking at seek.com - but that was more a function of working for an idiot - he's gone now so that can no longer be my rationale....i'm even meeting up with an old colleague - he works in an area i am VERY interested in pursuing part time as part of my portfolio approach (once qualified) so am going to pick his brain - a small part of me is hoping he might offer me a job!
soo see, i have been doing something with the available time...
Saturday, September 27, 2008
i'm torn...
i really am! see ages ago when i first took an interest in rugby league i supported manly...they were my dad's team and since he was the reason i got interested in league, i figured it would be good to support the same team - somewhere in the family archives there is a photo of me in a 1980's manly jumper...
soon we not only followed but starting going to the GF each year - kinda became something we did - just me and him...saw the bulldogs win back in the days when the GF's were at the SCG...
met some girls at college in the 1985/1986 years and they were bulldogs followers and all of a sudden i switched teams! go figure - never thought i was so fickle...
but now after enduring many years of hardship (and many glorious GF victories) as a bulldogs fan, mainly due to some of the less savoury off the field antics, i am starting to think about reverting...
yep, about going back to being a manly fan...
coupla things make it seem like a good thing to do:
- technically i have ALWAYS lived closer to brookvale than belmore;
- dad still goes for the sea eagles;
- i actually like going to brookvale oval and have been there more than i have ever been to belmore...
- i like them - i do! i always have - the only time i've ever not supported them is when they played the bulldogs, and those weren't easy times...
so why is it so hard? if i switch back will it be for good? is it a bad thing to do? and it's not just because they lost this year....or is it? or is that just the catalyst that's making me think about it?
of course if could go for the dragons! that would be the easy thing to do - coz they are ben's team, and i've never hated the dragons like i hate some teams - manly just seems like a better fit...
thoughts?
soon we not only followed but starting going to the GF each year - kinda became something we did - just me and him...saw the bulldogs win back in the days when the GF's were at the SCG...
met some girls at college in the 1985/1986 years and they were bulldogs followers and all of a sudden i switched teams! go figure - never thought i was so fickle...
but now after enduring many years of hardship (and many glorious GF victories) as a bulldogs fan, mainly due to some of the less savoury off the field antics, i am starting to think about reverting...
yep, about going back to being a manly fan...
coupla things make it seem like a good thing to do:
- technically i have ALWAYS lived closer to brookvale than belmore;
- dad still goes for the sea eagles;
- i actually like going to brookvale oval and have been there more than i have ever been to belmore...
- i like them - i do! i always have - the only time i've ever not supported them is when they played the bulldogs, and those weren't easy times...
so why is it so hard? if i switch back will it be for good? is it a bad thing to do? and it's not just because they lost this year....or is it? or is that just the catalyst that's making me think about it?
of course if could go for the dragons! that would be the easy thing to do - coz they are ben's team, and i've never hated the dragons like i hate some teams - manly just seems like a better fit...
thoughts?
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
today was a bit of a landmark day
in terms of my experience in corporate life...
and you have a bit of an idea of what i'm talking about from previous posts - or maybe you don't as i've been suitably cryptic...
sooo someone who was dismissed from our organisation 8 years ago for bad behaviour was re-hired by a group executive (who is no longer with us....go figure) about 4 months ago...today he 'resigned'...and the communication that went out was clear - that to be a general mgr one has to not only have the requisite technical skills but also a way of doing things consistent with our code of conduct...
gotta love that! and let's not go overboard - this has not restored my faith in corporate life so much that i'm now lining up to be a GM myself...fuck no! but what it has done is remind me that every now and again there are people who will stand up for what they believe in and they will make a difficult decision if it means they are doing the right thing...
my tenure in this organisation is nearing the six year mark (a record for me) and i can honestly say that in that time i have come across only a handful of people who have the degree of integrity i consider myself to have...and far less have actually done what they knew was the right thing to do...
so thank you - this won't extend my stay, but it does give me hope that my remaining time there might actually be more enjoyable!
and you have a bit of an idea of what i'm talking about from previous posts - or maybe you don't as i've been suitably cryptic...
sooo someone who was dismissed from our organisation 8 years ago for bad behaviour was re-hired by a group executive (who is no longer with us....go figure) about 4 months ago...today he 'resigned'...and the communication that went out was clear - that to be a general mgr one has to not only have the requisite technical skills but also a way of doing things consistent with our code of conduct...
gotta love that! and let's not go overboard - this has not restored my faith in corporate life so much that i'm now lining up to be a GM myself...fuck no! but what it has done is remind me that every now and again there are people who will stand up for what they believe in and they will make a difficult decision if it means they are doing the right thing...
my tenure in this organisation is nearing the six year mark (a record for me) and i can honestly say that in that time i have come across only a handful of people who have the degree of integrity i consider myself to have...and far less have actually done what they knew was the right thing to do...
so thank you - this won't extend my stay, but it does give me hope that my remaining time there might actually be more enjoyable!
Monday, September 22, 2008
things just don't always go to plan....
all i can hope is that they will eventually (and by eventually i mean by tomorrow!) turn out the way they should...
see this morning was 'd day' and i had hoped that it would all be resolved today...
but alas, the universe has other things in mind, and it will be another day or so until the final outcome is clearer...
oh well...
see this morning was 'd day' and i had hoped that it would all be resolved today...
but alas, the universe has other things in mind, and it will be another day or so until the final outcome is clearer...
oh well...
Sunday, September 21, 2008
oh and i make a great salad...
just ask ben!
i just popped into the study to see him (he's playing a video game and i'm watching House) and he said (and i quote) 'that fucking salad you made lastnight was the best salad i've ever had' - big call!
simple really - chicken caesar salad - grilled chicken, bacon, hard boiled eggs, good lettuce, cucumber, tomato (not a typical ingredient) and caesar dressing courtesy of heinz (gotta love heinz)...
guess i'll be making it again...
i just popped into the study to see him (he's playing a video game and i'm watching House) and he said (and i quote) 'that fucking salad you made lastnight was the best salad i've ever had' - big call!
simple really - chicken caesar salad - grilled chicken, bacon, hard boiled eggs, good lettuce, cucumber, tomato (not a typical ingredient) and caesar dressing courtesy of heinz (gotta love heinz)...
guess i'll be making it again...
the best weekends are those
where there are no set plans, the sun is shining and things just unfold...
ben and i had the loveliest weekend - we didn't have too much planned (other than looking at a house on saturday afternoon and a visit from his sister and new nephew this afternoon) - the time just unfolded naturally...
and it seems as though we've been together and off work for way longer than just two days! maybe that's the trick - instead of trying to do a gazillion things in the two days when you're meant to be resting and recuperating for the week ahead, just hanging out might be the way to go!
and don't get me wrong - we didn't sit around all weekend - we got stacks done, even did a lovely walk today, did the food shopping, did the cleaning, did all the washing, bought some gym equipment for ben, looked at the house (it's nice, but not our dream home), had two early nights and two late mornings...
all in all a GREAT weekend...may there be many many more:-)
ben and i had the loveliest weekend - we didn't have too much planned (other than looking at a house on saturday afternoon and a visit from his sister and new nephew this afternoon) - the time just unfolded naturally...
and it seems as though we've been together and off work for way longer than just two days! maybe that's the trick - instead of trying to do a gazillion things in the two days when you're meant to be resting and recuperating for the week ahead, just hanging out might be the way to go!
and don't get me wrong - we didn't sit around all weekend - we got stacks done, even did a lovely walk today, did the food shopping, did the cleaning, did all the washing, bought some gym equipment for ben, looked at the house (it's nice, but not our dream home), had two early nights and two late mornings...
all in all a GREAT weekend...may there be many many more:-)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
soooo i told my boss i wanted out...
of course i didn't use those exact words! i said things like how difficult it was to influence him, that he wasn't a good listener, i gave her examples of how he talks to people etc etc
she wasn't surprised, was REALLY understanding and supportive and told me something i can't really share...
what i can say that, it's good news! and even if it's not, she has a solution...
sooooo really pleased i didn't try and just stick it out - i'm always telling people life is too short to just suck it up and i'm glad i finally took my own advice...
next instalment to come...
she wasn't surprised, was REALLY understanding and supportive and told me something i can't really share...
what i can say that, it's good news! and even if it's not, she has a solution...
sooooo really pleased i didn't try and just stick it out - i'm always telling people life is too short to just suck it up and i'm glad i finally took my own advice...
next instalment to come...
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
turns out i got a sign.....
so the other day i was contemplating whether or not i should take the advice i would give a friend in the same situation....
see advice is much easier to give than recieve and sometimes the advice you give someone else (no matter how much you care about them) is invariably going to be more objective than the advice you give yourself...of course, it is much easier to suggest to others how to run their lives, but far harder to apply it to your own situation - i wonder why that is? probably obvious really - quite simply, we have much more invested in implementing advice in our own lives! maybe that's why they say unsolicited advice is really worth nothing at all....
soooo anyway, i digress! the reason i blogged the other day about my indecision was that i have kinda been sitting on the fence about my work situation! new job, seemingly sexy role, great boss, nice team (bar one), and shitty customer....and i guess i was trying to weigh up whether all the good stuff could counter balance the bad stuff...
well, until monday morning (when i returned to work after having 3 days off sick with a virus that kept me virtually bed ridden) when a colleague told me about an incident she'd had and today when i was unfortunate (or perhaps i'll look back and see it as fortunate one day soon...) enough to have an incident myself (this was 'the sign), i was just plodding along pretending that things weren't so bad, and that sticking this job out for 2 years wouldn't be too bad...
who the fuck was i kidding? the guy is an arsehole - he's a bully - he's rude - he doesn't listen - he doesn't share any of the values i consider to be a minimum for someone to be considered humane - it's his way or the highway etc etc
this is NOT the sort of person i want to spend 2 days, much less 2 years, of my professional life working with or being associated with...
so, i've bitten the bullet! i've set up a meeting with my boss (the one i do like and respect) for tomorrow lunchtime...pretty sure i'm going to tell her that it's untenable...
wonder what'll happen next...
see advice is much easier to give than recieve and sometimes the advice you give someone else (no matter how much you care about them) is invariably going to be more objective than the advice you give yourself...of course, it is much easier to suggest to others how to run their lives, but far harder to apply it to your own situation - i wonder why that is? probably obvious really - quite simply, we have much more invested in implementing advice in our own lives! maybe that's why they say unsolicited advice is really worth nothing at all....
soooo anyway, i digress! the reason i blogged the other day about my indecision was that i have kinda been sitting on the fence about my work situation! new job, seemingly sexy role, great boss, nice team (bar one), and shitty customer....and i guess i was trying to weigh up whether all the good stuff could counter balance the bad stuff...
well, until monday morning (when i returned to work after having 3 days off sick with a virus that kept me virtually bed ridden) when a colleague told me about an incident she'd had and today when i was unfortunate (or perhaps i'll look back and see it as fortunate one day soon...) enough to have an incident myself (this was 'the sign), i was just plodding along pretending that things weren't so bad, and that sticking this job out for 2 years wouldn't be too bad...
who the fuck was i kidding? the guy is an arsehole - he's a bully - he's rude - he doesn't listen - he doesn't share any of the values i consider to be a minimum for someone to be considered humane - it's his way or the highway etc etc
this is NOT the sort of person i want to spend 2 days, much less 2 years, of my professional life working with or being associated with...
so, i've bitten the bullet! i've set up a meeting with my boss (the one i do like and respect) for tomorrow lunchtime...pretty sure i'm going to tell her that it's untenable...
wonder what'll happen next...
Monday, September 15, 2008
so i've been asking myself today
if the advice i give others is good enough for me....
kinda difficult one to answer really coz i know for sure it's gonna cost me something not to take my own advice...
probably not money, but that's not really that important to me anyway...
but it is gonna cost something...question is: is it gonna be worth it??
kinda difficult one to answer really coz i know for sure it's gonna cost me something not to take my own advice...
probably not money, but that's not really that important to me anyway...
but it is gonna cost something...question is: is it gonna be worth it??
Sunday, September 14, 2008
looking at houses brings
out the voyeur in me...
so ben and i have started looking at houses again - even though we're really happy here and not 100% sure we should move (altho somebody really wants a dog...), at least in the short term....but it becomes a bit of an obsession!
soooo it's kinda funny now that we both have a desk/computer in the same study - ben can look at domain whilst i'm on realestate.com and we tell each other about the sorts of places we can see 'it's a shit tip' he says or 'how the fuck do people live like that?' i say to him...
seriously, it is kinda sad to see the way some people live - and sure, there will be people who would take one look at photos of our place and say the same thing but then again i don't really care what other people think of our home (well i do in that i like my friends/family to feel welcomed and at home here) and it's not really the point...
sooo i'm not sure what is more fun: looking for a house we can call our own or bagging out other people's.....
so ben and i have started looking at houses again - even though we're really happy here and not 100% sure we should move (altho somebody really wants a dog...), at least in the short term....but it becomes a bit of an obsession!
soooo it's kinda funny now that we both have a desk/computer in the same study - ben can look at domain whilst i'm on realestate.com and we tell each other about the sorts of places we can see 'it's a shit tip' he says or 'how the fuck do people live like that?' i say to him...
seriously, it is kinda sad to see the way some people live - and sure, there will be people who would take one look at photos of our place and say the same thing but then again i don't really care what other people think of our home (well i do in that i like my friends/family to feel welcomed and at home here) and it's not really the point...
sooo i'm not sure what is more fun: looking for a house we can call our own or bagging out other people's.....
Thursday, September 11, 2008
mental health days...
are absolutely under-rated...
is there anything more to say? seriously, is there??
is there anything more to say? seriously, is there??
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
it's a bit of a stuggle right at the moment...
life that is! it's kinda funny really, i've always held the view that it's unlikely that the key areas of one's life are all going to be going swimmingly at the same time, but i was kinda hoping it wouldn't actually be true...
soooo work, well where will i start - you've seen a few of my posts about it, the person i support, my increasing disenfranchisement (is that a word?) with corporate life and just generally how i wish ben and i could win the lotto so i could make a hasty escape - so it's not even like i hate it but i'm just not passionate about it - you may well ask what 'it' is? well ultimately it's about making more money for shareholders - sure there are other things we actually do, but that's the objective really - oh and to do it with 'corporate responsibility'.......and it all seems good when you are in your 20's and earning loads of cash, but as you reach a stage in life where you crave meaning, it's shallow and frankly, not fulfilling...
then there's my health, which given i have arguably had the best six months (in relationship terms) for as long as i can remember and consequently would expect that to provide some natural immunity, i seem to have been nowhere near 100% for most of it - and frankly, i'm over it! i'm absolutely buggered most of the time, trying to find time to exercise - and in fact time isn't the issue, it's inclination....today when my alarm went off at 7am it was all i could do to drag myself to the study to make the call to work - and i went to bed at 8.45pm - so not like it was a late night or anything....
school this term (altho i finished last week and have 3 weeks off, yippee) was hard going - counselling in loss - all about death and grief and loss - enough to make you really sad and it actually did, make me sad that is! i found myself thinking about all of the losses in my life during that time and even losses i didn't realise i saw as losses - so in addition to reminding me of losses i knew i'd experienced it also brought up things i hadn't previously seen as a loss - fabulous!!!
thing with ben are good - actually, that part of my life is going really well which i am really happy about...would be great if my health were better and i am doing the right things in an attempt to get that happening, so then of course i start wondering if in fact my general malaise is more a function of my mental state - my ambivalence about work, a sense of being trapped there until it's financially viable to walk away, about doing something every day that frankly is NOT contributing to the greater good of mankind...
anyway, i digress! things with ben are great - we celebrated 6 months together yesterday - we marked it with a walk up and down balmoral beach (one of our favourite spots) with a cup of tea and then dinner at my local mexican restaurant - it was nice :-)
so i'm now going to practice something i preach: gratefulness! so three things i am grateful are today are:
- ben: he really is my sunshine;
- my big sister laurel, even tho she lives in perth and likes roger federer....; and
- my dreams (even when things aren't looking so good, we still have our dreams to guide us)
xox
soooo work, well where will i start - you've seen a few of my posts about it, the person i support, my increasing disenfranchisement (is that a word?) with corporate life and just generally how i wish ben and i could win the lotto so i could make a hasty escape - so it's not even like i hate it but i'm just not passionate about it - you may well ask what 'it' is? well ultimately it's about making more money for shareholders - sure there are other things we actually do, but that's the objective really - oh and to do it with 'corporate responsibility'.......and it all seems good when you are in your 20's and earning loads of cash, but as you reach a stage in life where you crave meaning, it's shallow and frankly, not fulfilling...
then there's my health, which given i have arguably had the best six months (in relationship terms) for as long as i can remember and consequently would expect that to provide some natural immunity, i seem to have been nowhere near 100% for most of it - and frankly, i'm over it! i'm absolutely buggered most of the time, trying to find time to exercise - and in fact time isn't the issue, it's inclination....today when my alarm went off at 7am it was all i could do to drag myself to the study to make the call to work - and i went to bed at 8.45pm - so not like it was a late night or anything....
school this term (altho i finished last week and have 3 weeks off, yippee) was hard going - counselling in loss - all about death and grief and loss - enough to make you really sad and it actually did, make me sad that is! i found myself thinking about all of the losses in my life during that time and even losses i didn't realise i saw as losses - so in addition to reminding me of losses i knew i'd experienced it also brought up things i hadn't previously seen as a loss - fabulous!!!
thing with ben are good - actually, that part of my life is going really well which i am really happy about...would be great if my health were better and i am doing the right things in an attempt to get that happening, so then of course i start wondering if in fact my general malaise is more a function of my mental state - my ambivalence about work, a sense of being trapped there until it's financially viable to walk away, about doing something every day that frankly is NOT contributing to the greater good of mankind...
anyway, i digress! things with ben are great - we celebrated 6 months together yesterday - we marked it with a walk up and down balmoral beach (one of our favourite spots) with a cup of tea and then dinner at my local mexican restaurant - it was nice :-)
so i'm now going to practice something i preach: gratefulness! so three things i am grateful are today are:
- ben: he really is my sunshine;
- my big sister laurel, even tho she lives in perth and likes roger federer....; and
- my dreams (even when things aren't looking so good, we still have our dreams to guide us)
xox
Sunday, September 7, 2008
pretty pleased i didn't let it simmer so much it bubbled over...
see sometimes i kinda let things 'simmer away' inside, and i have been doing this for maybe a few days and today, well today, after spending probably a good half hour wondering if i should just let it out, i did just that...it's funny sometimes how talking about stuff really does help! (go figure - maybe that's why i'm training to be a counsellor)...
sometimes i don't know if what i'm feeling is real (of course it's real, that's why they are called feelings!) or whether i'm just reading stuff into stuff that really isn't stuff at all - you know what i mean right?
well, instead of letting it continue - and by it i mean the stupid thoughts that were making me feel a little vulnerable, having disturbing and frighteningly realy dreams, not to mention the voices in my head that just wouldn't seem to stop - i just decided to confront it...
maybe it's just me, maybe i'm just tired, maybe things are changing - but just coz they are changing doesn't mean i have to think it's bad!!! so now i'm wondering what it is about change that makes me ASSUME (dangerous word that) that it's bad??? bit of thinking to be done on that one...
sorry it's so cryptic - it's kinda gonna stay that way...
sometimes i don't know if what i'm feeling is real (of course it's real, that's why they are called feelings!) or whether i'm just reading stuff into stuff that really isn't stuff at all - you know what i mean right?
well, instead of letting it continue - and by it i mean the stupid thoughts that were making me feel a little vulnerable, having disturbing and frighteningly realy dreams, not to mention the voices in my head that just wouldn't seem to stop - i just decided to confront it...
maybe it's just me, maybe i'm just tired, maybe things are changing - but just coz they are changing doesn't mean i have to think it's bad!!! so now i'm wondering what it is about change that makes me ASSUME (dangerous word that) that it's bad??? bit of thinking to be done on that one...
sorry it's so cryptic - it's kinda gonna stay that way...
Friday, September 5, 2008
what do you do when...
you are only 3 weeks into a new job and you don't like (actually it's more like respect or trust) the main person you are working with???
bit of a dilemma wouldn't you say??? maybe it's a good thing that the weather forecast looks ordinary for the next few days, might mean i have time to seriously think about what i want to be doing and whether or not on monday (when i meet with my boss - not the person i'm having issues with) to suggest to my boss that i move roles....
what would you do?
on a more positive note i gave a speech today to around 80 or so uni students about the glass ceiling - i'm not gonna be modest! i was good! natural, honest, relaxed and even funny - not only that i really enjoyed it! might even think about doing more of it!
have a great weekend, and if you have any tips for my 'issue', i'll listen!
ciao
bit of a dilemma wouldn't you say??? maybe it's a good thing that the weather forecast looks ordinary for the next few days, might mean i have time to seriously think about what i want to be doing and whether or not on monday (when i meet with my boss - not the person i'm having issues with) to suggest to my boss that i move roles....
what would you do?
on a more positive note i gave a speech today to around 80 or so uni students about the glass ceiling - i'm not gonna be modest! i was good! natural, honest, relaxed and even funny - not only that i really enjoyed it! might even think about doing more of it!
have a great weekend, and if you have any tips for my 'issue', i'll listen!
ciao
Sunday, August 31, 2008
good for you Buddy...
yep, I was there - at the Telstra Dome with 49, 056 others to witness a piece of AFL sporting history - Buddy Franklin (arguably the Hawks best full forward) got his 100th goal in front of a capacity crowd, and even though I was hoping that Brendan Fevola (the Blues full forward and one mine and Daniel's AFL heroes) would get his first, it just didn't seem like it would work out that way from the get go...
and good on Buddy - he's been the leading goal scorer all season, he's the first indigenous australian to boot 100 in a season (the home and away season that is) and me and my 3 favourite boys were there to see it...
it was manic! thousands of people ran onto the ground - this is simply no longer the go in AFL anymore - especially not in the 1st quarter - it was great - great too to see that the security guards made sure Buddy was safe, escorted him off and then just let it continue - and to their credit and coz they didn't make a song and a dance of it all, people eventually got back into their seats for the remainder of the game...
Fevvy (as Daniel calls him) came up short with 99 goals - but let's be serious, 99 goals is still a fabulous achievement - for a team that has had a bad few years and is rebuilding - he's not had consistently good ball all year but has still come up only a handful short of a top 4 team - Fevvy, we are proud of you and hope (despite your disappointment) you are proud of a great 2008 - looking forward to seeing you in 2009!
sooo as I start to think about removing the CFC logo tattooed on my right cheek (I didn't take an eucalyptus oil to melbs) another football season is over....and I can't say I feel gutted - sure the blues did not play their best lastnight and sure they aren't in the finals! but here are the positives:
- they have rebuilt themselves and have a lot to look forward to in 2009
- fev came a very close 2nd in a fabulous goal kicking contest
- they aren't that far away from top 8 contention
- despite everything they have the biggest fan base in the league
bring on 2009! go Blues
and good on Buddy - he's been the leading goal scorer all season, he's the first indigenous australian to boot 100 in a season (the home and away season that is) and me and my 3 favourite boys were there to see it...
it was manic! thousands of people ran onto the ground - this is simply no longer the go in AFL anymore - especially not in the 1st quarter - it was great - great too to see that the security guards made sure Buddy was safe, escorted him off and then just let it continue - and to their credit and coz they didn't make a song and a dance of it all, people eventually got back into their seats for the remainder of the game...
Fevvy (as Daniel calls him) came up short with 99 goals - but let's be serious, 99 goals is still a fabulous achievement - for a team that has had a bad few years and is rebuilding - he's not had consistently good ball all year but has still come up only a handful short of a top 4 team - Fevvy, we are proud of you and hope (despite your disappointment) you are proud of a great 2008 - looking forward to seeing you in 2009!
sooo as I start to think about removing the CFC logo tattooed on my right cheek (I didn't take an eucalyptus oil to melbs) another football season is over....and I can't say I feel gutted - sure the blues did not play their best lastnight and sure they aren't in the finals! but here are the positives:
- they have rebuilt themselves and have a lot to look forward to in 2009
- fev came a very close 2nd in a fabulous goal kicking contest
- they aren't that far away from top 8 contention
- despite everything they have the biggest fan base in the league
bring on 2009! go Blues
Friday, August 29, 2008
melbourne here we come...
yep, that's right ben and i are off to melbs this afternoon - ben's first time down there so i hope the weather forecast of rain and cold for both days is not true!!!
we're going down there to belatedly celebrate his birthday....
yippee....
go blues! and go fev...
we're going down there to belatedly celebrate his birthday....
yippee....
go blues! and go fev...
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
closure...
is an interesting term and means different things to different people and honestly, until i started studying to be a therapist, i didn't have any real idea of where the term came from or it's origins...
well! turns out it came out of gestalt therapy - a type of therapy that deals in the here and now (ie not focussed on the past as traditional forms of psychotherapy were) and still acknowledges that there might be things in the past that are not yet put to bed (actually, gestalt therapists would say that not every aspect of oneself was integrated nor whole but we'll stick with more day to day english)...and voila we have the concept of closure...
even more interestingly was that even before i knew this concept existed, i had long held a desire for things in my own life not to be left open - for them to be closed, as it were! and no more so than yesterday...
as you know the weekend was not the best (and i'm not gonna re-hash it all - if you wanna read it, then do so!) and despite a reconciliation on sunday afternoon and a good 24 - 36 hours thereafter, i found myself bogged down in self talk, self recriminations, guilt (amazingly - i'm NOT catholic as my dad chose to point out to me) and frankly an overwhelming dose of fear...
it seemed there was very little, despite the obvious distraction of work, which did not really work, to get my mind to quieten down - this is something i have worked on a lot both myself and with the help of my therapist in the last 3 years - and i'm pleased to say, mostly with an enormous amount of success...
but pretty much NOTHING bar getting some closure (and a healthy amount of re-assurance) was gonna work yesterday, no matter how hard i tried, and man did i try...
so as i walked home lastnight the competing voices in my head doing overtime (one telling me that no matter what i had to put on a brave face and not be sad and the other telling me that i had to be authentic no matter what the consequences) it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, instead of trying to solve it all in my head, i could simply ask for some help...
and this help turned out to be closure - a desire to accept what had happened and move on, or in this case move back - back to that wonderful place of the last 5 months...
so you see it's true - some stories do have happy endings...
well! turns out it came out of gestalt therapy - a type of therapy that deals in the here and now (ie not focussed on the past as traditional forms of psychotherapy were) and still acknowledges that there might be things in the past that are not yet put to bed (actually, gestalt therapists would say that not every aspect of oneself was integrated nor whole but we'll stick with more day to day english)...and voila we have the concept of closure...
even more interestingly was that even before i knew this concept existed, i had long held a desire for things in my own life not to be left open - for them to be closed, as it were! and no more so than yesterday...
as you know the weekend was not the best (and i'm not gonna re-hash it all - if you wanna read it, then do so!) and despite a reconciliation on sunday afternoon and a good 24 - 36 hours thereafter, i found myself bogged down in self talk, self recriminations, guilt (amazingly - i'm NOT catholic as my dad chose to point out to me) and frankly an overwhelming dose of fear...
it seemed there was very little, despite the obvious distraction of work, which did not really work, to get my mind to quieten down - this is something i have worked on a lot both myself and with the help of my therapist in the last 3 years - and i'm pleased to say, mostly with an enormous amount of success...
but pretty much NOTHING bar getting some closure (and a healthy amount of re-assurance) was gonna work yesterday, no matter how hard i tried, and man did i try...
so as i walked home lastnight the competing voices in my head doing overtime (one telling me that no matter what i had to put on a brave face and not be sad and the other telling me that i had to be authentic no matter what the consequences) it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, instead of trying to solve it all in my head, i could simply ask for some help...
and this help turned out to be closure - a desire to accept what had happened and move on, or in this case move back - back to that wonderful place of the last 5 months...
so you see it's true - some stories do have happy endings...
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
fear is a terrible thing...
and it seems to be ruining my day...not really sure why! had a good chat with ben on sunday, had a nice afternoon/evening with him, had a good day yesterday (bar my therapy session where i re-hashed the events of the weekend) and today i feel like i am in a downward spiral...i'm starting to second guess myself and as a result feel exposed and vulnerable and just wishing i could go to sleep and wake up to how things were...or maybe they are how they were and i'm just being overly cautious because i'm scared...
guess loving someone and caring for them with every fibre of your being hurts sometimes???
please let it go away...
guess loving someone and caring for them with every fibre of your being hurts sometimes???
please let it go away...
Monday, August 25, 2008
my dreams, and sometimes ben's
are a source of continual amusement and pondering for me...
i am always intrigued to find some way of making meaning from the dreams we have - being a student of counselling and having studied frued and jung, i feel as though an opportunity for self development or awareness presents itself in almost every dream we have, and as such, i find myself compelled to 'analyse' my dreams...
some are easy - the manifestation of what is going on in your life right now shows itself in a different (and yet easily identifiable) way in a dream...
some are not so easy - the abstract ones, the ones where nothing seems to make sense and doesn't seem at all relevant to what is going on in your life right now...
well this morning's dream was a little bit of the latter...a mish mash of good friends (some current and some from my past) came together in a bizarre and very disjointed dream...in one scene i am talking to uncle campbell about the need to hurry up to catch the plane we are catching, but we are in what looks like a side room of an rsl and i find myself swearing at him (this is not something i would do)...next scene i find myself shopping for earrings with laurel and a group of her friends in a massive department store, then i find myself with helen (a friend i had at telstra who i haven't seen in over 10 years) and we are getting a lift from 2 other women as something bad has happened to helen - turns out it was her in one scene (the one where we are reporting the incident at a desk) but then in the next scene she appeared with straight blonde hair (in the first scene she had, as she does in real life, black curly hair)...
soooo what to make of that one? there is a theory that all people in dreams are actually representations of some part of our self, so whilst they may look like someone else, they are actually parts of our psyche...interesting! there is yet another school of thought that all dreams are essentially wish fulfillment - this one i find harder to grasp as my dreams are often disturbing and as such, not something i would 'wish' for...
soooo methinks that whilst i am supposed to be having a day of 'study leave' to finish a critique due on thursday (yep, thursday this week) that i might find myself surfing the dream interpretation website and madly going thru my freud/jung books to work out what my dream meant....
procrastination is alive and well!
i am always intrigued to find some way of making meaning from the dreams we have - being a student of counselling and having studied frued and jung, i feel as though an opportunity for self development or awareness presents itself in almost every dream we have, and as such, i find myself compelled to 'analyse' my dreams...
some are easy - the manifestation of what is going on in your life right now shows itself in a different (and yet easily identifiable) way in a dream...
some are not so easy - the abstract ones, the ones where nothing seems to make sense and doesn't seem at all relevant to what is going on in your life right now...
well this morning's dream was a little bit of the latter...a mish mash of good friends (some current and some from my past) came together in a bizarre and very disjointed dream...in one scene i am talking to uncle campbell about the need to hurry up to catch the plane we are catching, but we are in what looks like a side room of an rsl and i find myself swearing at him (this is not something i would do)...next scene i find myself shopping for earrings with laurel and a group of her friends in a massive department store, then i find myself with helen (a friend i had at telstra who i haven't seen in over 10 years) and we are getting a lift from 2 other women as something bad has happened to helen - turns out it was her in one scene (the one where we are reporting the incident at a desk) but then in the next scene she appeared with straight blonde hair (in the first scene she had, as she does in real life, black curly hair)...
soooo what to make of that one? there is a theory that all people in dreams are actually representations of some part of our self, so whilst they may look like someone else, they are actually parts of our psyche...interesting! there is yet another school of thought that all dreams are essentially wish fulfillment - this one i find harder to grasp as my dreams are often disturbing and as such, not something i would 'wish' for...
soooo methinks that whilst i am supposed to be having a day of 'study leave' to finish a critique due on thursday (yep, thursday this week) that i might find myself surfing the dream interpretation website and madly going thru my freud/jung books to work out what my dream meant....
procrastination is alive and well!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
do you ever wish you could take
something you said back? yeah well that was yesterday for me - it wasn't a good day (actually it was way worse than that) and i found myself in a situation i wasn't comfortable in, not feeling well and i said something in jest which hurt ben's feelings...
what followed was the worst 24 hours i have experienced in as long as i can remember...
i have few regrets in my life, in fact until yesterday, probably none of significance, but i couldn't help but hope that everytime i shut my eyes (either tear filled or in a vain attempt to sleep) i would open them again to a different scenario...
nope, turns out i couldn't turn back the clock or erase what had been said - instead i had to (as did ben) live through the consequences of my stupid, unthoughtful, and mean words....
i have cried more tears in the last 24 hours than i thought possible - i've said sorry so many times it no longer has any meaning, and i've wished more times than infinity that it wasn't so...
so now that things are starting to resemble normality (or what we have known as normality for the last 5 months or so) i have learnt a valuable lesson...and one which i should have learnt earlier...
so to ben - thank you for being you and for helping me learn...i do love you and am truly sorry xox
what followed was the worst 24 hours i have experienced in as long as i can remember...
i have few regrets in my life, in fact until yesterday, probably none of significance, but i couldn't help but hope that everytime i shut my eyes (either tear filled or in a vain attempt to sleep) i would open them again to a different scenario...
nope, turns out i couldn't turn back the clock or erase what had been said - instead i had to (as did ben) live through the consequences of my stupid, unthoughtful, and mean words....
i have cried more tears in the last 24 hours than i thought possible - i've said sorry so many times it no longer has any meaning, and i've wished more times than infinity that it wasn't so...
so now that things are starting to resemble normality (or what we have known as normality for the last 5 months or so) i have learnt a valuable lesson...and one which i should have learnt earlier...
so to ben - thank you for being you and for helping me learn...i do love you and am truly sorry xox
Friday, August 22, 2008
and i thought i spoke english....
apparently not!
classic case of miscommunication or shall we say male deafness....
so ben's had a migraine all day and been home in bed, i've been fighting what i hope is not going to turn into the flu for a day or so and finally come home from work mid afternoon only to fall on the couch and cover myself with a doona...
coupla hours after that i look at ben and say 'chinese?', even though i took organic beef sausages out of the freezer this morning, i know i do not have the energy (nor frankly the inclination) to cook tonight...
yep, chinese it is! so we have twice picked up dinner from this place in neutral bay (mido) and the food has been good - not the best chinese i've ever had but good nonetheless...
so tonight i figure i'll call them to see if they'll deliver - my criteria tonight for good chinese being that it arrives at my door without me having to leave the couch..
so far so good - a girl answers the phone - not the one who's usually there when we go - the crankiest and most abrupt girl on the planet - a nice one who speaks really good english...
so i say to her - do you do home delivery? yes she says, where you live? i tell her naremburn and clarify by saying 'behind st leonards' - she doesn't even respond but simply hands the phone over the old guy who works there
he says hello, i ask him if they deliver to naremburn and almost before i finish talking he says 'no sorry' and hangs up the phone...
ok, so we look on the internet at a few more local chinese restaurants but we figure we've had food from mido before, it's good and i could drive there even tho i didn't really want to...
so i ring up to order and he asks if i want home delivery (this is the SAME guy i talked to the first time) - i say sure but i called a while ago and you told me you didn't deliver to naremburn - he says 'of course we do home delivery'....so i tell him the order and then when he asks for my address and i tell him he says 'we don't deliver there'....and i point out to him that we went through all of that just a little while earlier and for the 3rd time in the conversation he calls me 'sir' even though i've told him it's 'madam'...
fuck, how hard is it? seriously? sure we don't speak the same language, sure i have a cold and my already deep voice might sound a little deeper than usual, but fuck me....
anyway, we got chinese and it was good, and they did deliver to naremburn!!!
classic case of miscommunication or shall we say male deafness....
so ben's had a migraine all day and been home in bed, i've been fighting what i hope is not going to turn into the flu for a day or so and finally come home from work mid afternoon only to fall on the couch and cover myself with a doona...
coupla hours after that i look at ben and say 'chinese?', even though i took organic beef sausages out of the freezer this morning, i know i do not have the energy (nor frankly the inclination) to cook tonight...
yep, chinese it is! so we have twice picked up dinner from this place in neutral bay (mido) and the food has been good - not the best chinese i've ever had but good nonetheless...
so tonight i figure i'll call them to see if they'll deliver - my criteria tonight for good chinese being that it arrives at my door without me having to leave the couch..
so far so good - a girl answers the phone - not the one who's usually there when we go - the crankiest and most abrupt girl on the planet - a nice one who speaks really good english...
so i say to her - do you do home delivery? yes she says, where you live? i tell her naremburn and clarify by saying 'behind st leonards' - she doesn't even respond but simply hands the phone over the old guy who works there
he says hello, i ask him if they deliver to naremburn and almost before i finish talking he says 'no sorry' and hangs up the phone...
ok, so we look on the internet at a few more local chinese restaurants but we figure we've had food from mido before, it's good and i could drive there even tho i didn't really want to...
so i ring up to order and he asks if i want home delivery (this is the SAME guy i talked to the first time) - i say sure but i called a while ago and you told me you didn't deliver to naremburn - he says 'of course we do home delivery'....so i tell him the order and then when he asks for my address and i tell him he says 'we don't deliver there'....and i point out to him that we went through all of that just a little while earlier and for the 3rd time in the conversation he calls me 'sir' even though i've told him it's 'madam'...
fuck, how hard is it? seriously? sure we don't speak the same language, sure i have a cold and my already deep voice might sound a little deeper than usual, but fuck me....
anyway, we got chinese and it was good, and they did deliver to naremburn!!!
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