Sarah's Little Blue Book

wishing...

2012-02-20T22:09:00.001+11:00

i had found my Mr Big tonight...

yep,not often i feel lonely or wish for things to be different, but tonight i do...

justsayin'

getting paid has

2012-02-15T22:02:00.000+11:00

a way of reminding me why i'm there...sure, not every month, butwhen it's been tough, challenging, sometimes not even anywhere close tofun...the sizeable wad of cash that hits my bank account on the 15th of eachmonth serves as a timely reminder as to why

why i took thejob

why i gave upmy freedom

why i put upwith some people's shit

but really,today, even yesterday, were much better days than monday and when i read what iwrote monday night, which was only 48 hours ago, i'm somewhat staggered by justhow different i feel today...

bizarre! so asi drove home tonight after a 10 hour day i realised just how much i love it...

and not justbecause of the pay...no a few other things:

- thepeople are mostly great

- some ofmy colleagues are fabulous and i enjoy working with them

- therole itself, well, it's pretty good

- i'mlearning

- andslowly slowly we ARE making progress

so all is goodin the world tonight!

hope it's goodin your world too xx

sold my soul....

2012-02-13T21:31:00.000+11:00

to the corporate devil…

yep, that’s how I feelright now. And sure, I knew thatre-entering the workforce, might occasionally bring this up, but I guess aseverything had been going so well, I didn’t really think that it would come upagain…so mostly, I’m unprepared for this…

maybe that’s naïve, butreally? I just did not see this coming…

not only do I feel as thoughI’ve sold my soul, I sometimes feel that Sarah is invisible at times (and thatis just not a good place for me to be) and honestly, I have questioned whetherthe money is worth it? truth is, it isn’t and as I replied to my BFF yesterdaywhen she asked me when I’ll know it’s time, ‘when the mortgage is paid off’…

so it’s true, rejoining theworkforce has MANY many positives and I do LOVE the job, most of the people andmy team, but really, it is a compromise and every day I feel as though I needto leave a big part of myself behind…and I don’t like that…

nope, I don’t like that onelittle bit…so today was difficult, and sure, I woke up with a headache and sorethroat after going to bed at 9.20pm, so that did not help things….

and true, I don’t feeltrapped like I did historically when I felt like this, so that’s a plus, butstill, I do feel as though a bit part of who I am isn’t getting a daily workout…andthat sux…

yep, it sux

needed to be said...

2012-02-08T21:41:00.003+11:00

or did it?

So yesterday I was chattingwith the bloke at work, the one I thought I might have a crush on late lastyear, and it had been a WHILE since we’d had any sort of chat…in fact, wechatted for ages last night and I realised, after he’d left and I made my wayhome, that I had been very open, very honest and possibly a bit too much so…

Of course, I’m not sure Iactually believe you can be too honest but following the serious conversationMonday and my level of paranoia (or otherwise, healthy skepticism), I feltmaybe I’d said too much...when will i learn?

During the conversation,and as a preface to something he told me, he suggested we were ‘nottalking about work’….so I guess he may well have been feeling as vulnerable asme

See this is the problemwith being in senior management – it’s almost impossible to just be you all ofthe time, and this is one aspect of the job I really don’t like…in an otherwisedream job, this is a struggle, and sure, before this week I’ve thought aboutit, but the events of Monday have now painted everything in a different light…

Fuck

So i mentioned to him thati wanted to have a chat and when we did chat, this morning, it went a lot moresmoothly than i anticipated...historically i guess i would have been worryingthat i didn't trust him, worrying what he thought about me, but today, i justfelt it was something i needed to do - to make it clear to him that i wanted tobe able to talk to him and that it was important i could trust him, and likewisehe could trust me...went ok i think...even if it didn't i felt better and thathas me wondering about whether it even needed to be said, but hey, i did...ofcourse, he is someone i feel as though i can trust, but sadly, one can never besure about these things...

i've been wrong before,admittedly not often, because i'm too trusting and at times a little naive, andthis is someone who has worked in this place a long time, knows a lot of peopleand some of them I don’t trust…so I guess I’ve been vulnerable, and only timewill tell whether that’s been wise or not…

and as to the other matter, well whoknows about that?

i miss it, yep i really do

2012-02-08T21:28:00.002+11:00

twitter that is...so following theconversation Monday, i have obviously had to go cold turkey and i miss it...

maybe in the long run, whichgiven how busy i am could be as early as gee, tomorrow?, i won't miss it at allbut right now i do...

and i miss it so much and feelbad that i couldn't say a proper good bye to at least some of my 262followers...

oh well...

i miss it so much that i haveseriously, and i mean seriously contemplated setting up a new one under adifferent name, one that in NO way could be linked back to me...

i miss the interaction withsimilar minded people from around the place, i miss the fact that i got newsthrough it, i miss that my little online community were mostly, fellow writersand so in a way a GREAT means of support ad encouragement, and i miss that i amin a role where i don't have the option to be myself...fully

yep, i miss it. no two waysabout it, i really do...

guess, like every 'loss' itwill ease...

sigh

inevitable...

2012-02-06T20:59:00.004+11:00

really, i should have seen it coming...but ifeel deflated, a little embarrassed, and exactly how i thought it would feellike in the event this situation arose...

yep!so my boss overheard a conversation at a team dinner last week about my twitteraccount, and following some time on the weekend googling me to see what shecould find, i was hauled in for a serious conversation this morning...

sure,she read some of it out of context, non tweeters will do that...

buthonestly, i probably should have known better...should have closed it downbefore it got to this...

theinevitability though is this: when i accepted my dream job working for her, iknew that there would be a price to pay...the price of being myself? maybethat's a bit dramatic, although i have enjoyed the freedom with which i havebeen able to speak in this medium, until now...

ifeel as though my two worlds have now collided and there is no going back...sooowebsite has been taken down (and i'm not unhappy about that), althoughinterestingly i had the hindsight to make contact with web designer last weekto disable the twitter feed from my website - that way making it WAY harder tofind me...

butno, he didn't get back to me and in the absence of his guidance i hadn'tremembered how to disable the website...so instead of me being on the frontfoot, i was well and truly, on the back foot...not a nice place to be...

thatsaid, she handled it respectfully and with dignity and honestly, i can't arguewith her - bottom line is it was probably naive of me to think it was ok...

sono more website, no more twitter, only the blog remains! FB of course still intact, with appropriate privacy settings...

andyes, there have been times today where i have questioned if it is all worth it- and it is, but i was right: it's come at a cost....

again, too tired...

2012-02-03T22:31:00.001+11:00

to post more than a sentence...been a mammoth week and frankly I am looking forward to 2 days away from it all...

coupla big successes though so happy with progress...

happy weekend peeps

adios xx

too tired to even....

2012-02-01T22:31:00.001+11:00

post! how on earth am I going to find time to write another 30,000 words and finish this novel?

no, seriously??

year in review...better late than never...

2012-01-24T21:23:00.001+11:00

right?

better late than never? and with a twist...

so rather than talk about the 2011 year that was, i thought i'dinstead talk about the 2nd year since the big breakup, and i'm not dwelling onthe breakup but since it happened on Australia Day, it's hard to forget...

that said, this time last year i was sad, unsure, lost andfrankly not in a great place...

by contrast, this year i am happy (for the most part), CERTAINand feel as though i have found that part of me i lost whilst with Ben and inthe recovery phase...so all good!

typically i would do the month by month review but as that willrequire me looking thru earlier blog posts, it's probably not gonnahappen...not tonight anyway, so here's some of the things that are memorable tome:

had my eyes lasered (one of the best things i've ever done)
took myself to hong kong before i started work for a wee bit of retail therapy
oh yes, took a full time job! (didn't see that coming this time last year...)
shelved the business initially with some regret, but now, couldn't be happier, and it will always be there if i want to go back to it
continued to spend more time with my precious girlfriends
finally got my french kitchen (well worth the wait)
took another great writing course at the NSW Writers Centre
did my first ever NaNoWriMo and successfully completed 50,000 words in one month
continued with my novel even after NaNo finished...as at today, still have a little over 30,000 words to go
breathed a big sigh of relief when my mum was told the surgeries were successful and a mastectomy was not required
breathed another sigh of relief when i survived my first mammogram which came back showing nothing...phew
enjoyed Carlton have a much better season and saw a couple of games with my nephew, Dad and sister
saw Sachin for probably the last time at the SCG, and even though he didn't get that coveted 100th international 100, he is the best batsman to watch
managed to get Chris out of my life and importantly, out of my head (it took some time, but i think we are there)
discovered a lovely little costume jewellery store in Paddington (Tessarella House) and had my 43rd birthday tea there with some special girlfriends
oh and booked my next trip to new york

not sure if i've missed anything, but they are myhighlights!

nite nite x

following or stalking?

2012-01-21T23:54:00.003+11:00

yeah yeah, i know, a bit dramatic, but i think it begs the question...

so, a guy i work with (and no, not the one who has previously been the topic of recents blogs such as 'crush') is following me on twitter...

i wake up this morning, check out twitter - i usually do, to see what's happened whilst i've been sleeping, mainly coz about half my followers are o/s...only to find he is now following me?

weird...yep, really really weird...so i follow back: this being the twitter etiquette and all...and make some comment like 'strange seeing you here?'...and he then asks me what my book is about...

so, he could know about the book from our conversation earlier this week, or he could know about the book from reading through the many tweets there are on the subject, esp during november when i did NaNoWriMo...

so, Leah thinks he must have googled me to find my twitter account - not like i go around telling people i have one, but if he googled me then he would have found my website, and of course there is a button on there to my twitter account...

hmmm interesting...

yep, interesting!

so it's probably not stalking and merely following (in a twitter sense), but strange all the same!

nite peeps
xx

Trump Tower?

2012-01-20T23:38:00.001+11:00

who'd ever have thought i would consider handing over money toDonald Trump?

well, notpersonally...but still!

so i'm doingresearch for my October trip...yes, i know it's only January...but I like to beorganised, and honestly, a big part of the holiday enjoyment for me comes inthe planning...and I think I'm a 'p'...definitely a 'j' when it comes toholidays

actually, itcould go either way - the more pre planning i do, the less i need structurewhilst away...anyway, i digress!

so i google'hotels in chicago' and the first one that comesup is the Fairmont

wanted to staythere one time before, but it looks dated and kinda old fashioned

second one thatcomes up is Trump Tower and it looks flash!flash as a big old dog as my former colleague Chippy would say...

OMG it looksamazing! and they have the most indulgent looking spa with some amazingtreatment options...

so folks, ithink we are resolved!in Chicagoi'll be staying at Don's place...

of course it'lltake me 9 months to decide which spa treatment i'm having....they do a 7 hour$1200 version and yep, it sounds ridiculously expensive, but it looks like itwould be good

i do wonderthough, what therapeutic benefit one might get from having a revitalizingrubies massage...really? and the sapphire one is supposed to be calming...mmm

i think i'm an adrenaline junkie...

2012-01-20T21:14:00.002+11:00

and this wouldn't be the first time i'vemade this observation, although typically i wouldn't broadcast it - doesn'treally fit with how i see myself, or perhaps how i want others to see me....

so,this week at work has been nothing short of full on, manic, beyond busy withthings coming out of the woodwork left, right and centre...i have had or askedmy team to speak to the lawyers on WAY too many occasions this week let'shope next week is much much quieter...

however,it wasn't until i got home tonight, after a very busy and long day, which endedwith a 1.5 hour meeting with my boss (a really good meeting where we talkedabout heaps, i got heaps of approvals i needed, i was able to point out to herthat something i did earlier in the week was not incorrect and generally we hada good discussion about what needs to be done) that i realised (and i know, ishould take a long hard look in the mirror) that i love work so much, iactually thought i would miss being there for 2 days...

hilarious!

stupid?

alittle insane?

no,maybe i really am an adrenaline junkie??

sadreally....

inother news i've decided on the dates for my trip to the US later thisyear - now await bosses approval as it falls in the middle of the planningprocess....seriously! i thought when i got out of finance that would neveragain be an issue...and herein lies one of the problems with being on a snr mntteam...!

so,fingers crossed it's not going to be any sort of issue and come 2.45pm onFriday 5th October, i'll be jet setting off to NYC - yep, you read itcorrectly, NYC...

yippee!

six months...

2012-01-19T22:20:00.000+11:00

in the new job came and went and i pretty much forgot...how did THAT happen?

doesn't seem like six months since i started...on the other hand, and some days, it feels like i've been there forever...on the plus side, i still love it even though i am down 2 staff and we have HEAPS to do...still, wouldn't be much of a challenge if there was nothing to fix, right? right...

could be an interesting development to report on in coming weeks too, sooo watch this space!

in other news: i love my friends...one of my oldest and dearest, MJB, called me tonight (who would ever have believed he would be better at keeping in touch than me?...and yet, it's true) and we had a lovely chat...

one of the things i love about old friends, is that you can, simply pick up where you left off...

and in other news...well, nothing! there is no other news...

happy thursday evening peeps!

until next time

s
x

bye then...

2012-01-18T23:00:00.000+11:00

not sure it's a good sign when in the middle of a conversation (albeit not a face to face one) the other person disappears...

nope, it's not...

bye then!

trust...

2012-01-17T20:52:00.001+11:00

is something that for some of us, takes a lifetime todevelop...

i wonderactually if it's human to be born trusting? maybe it is? maybe itisn't...perhaps it has a lot to do with the circumstances surrounding yourbirth and ultimately, who you are born to? and what they teach you about trust?

so surelythis is one of those nature v's nurturequestions? you know those seemingly meaningless but deep and complex questionsthat perhaps only a lifetime of research can shed light on...and even then,surely, if it's a bit of both, in almost EVERY instance, the outcome might bedifferent...unique perhaps?

of course iknow for a fact that my issues with trust aren't unique - how i came to havethose issues maybe, but the resulting fear of trusting anyone at all, yep,that's certainly shared by many many others...some of whom i know, some idon't...

sadly, itdoesn't make me feel any better to know that there are others who struggle withthe very same thing...again, maybe they don't? maybe they don't struggle withthe sorts of things i do, or the situations in which i find it hard to imaginemyself trusting others...no, maybe they struggle to trust in instances where idon't even give it a second thought...

who knows?really?

point isthis: there are 2 separate occasions this week where my ability to trust willbe called into question and i'm goingto try my very hardest to trust the people concerned....of course that's notgoing to be easy in either of these instances: one which involves giving myhouse keys to cleaners....fuck, really? even as i'm typing this i cannot believe that i amgoing to do this...i mean we are talking about a key to the sanctuary(admittedly, i'm onlygiving them a key to the mailbox so they can retrieve the house keys and leavethem when they leave....but who's to know that they won't copy the keys)...yep,i really do have issues with trust...

and theother, well the other is someone i do trust (at least in my dealings with himto date, i have absolutely no reason not to trust him, he seems trustworthy, my'read' on him, if you could call it that, is positive)...but even so, i'm doing something which will mean hecould (if he wanted to, if he were remotely inclined to, or even if he wasintrigued enough to want to do so...all things i totally get) have access tosomething that no other person i work with does...yep, big risk, huge big risk

so, it's aweek of challenges on that front...maybe there will be a Being Erica episodeabout this very issue...oh wait, that's right I've watched all 3 seasons and idon't remember one...

bummer! sooo here i go, out into the big wide worldof trying to trust people....

i'll provide a full update later!

today's epiphany...

2012-01-16T17:11:00.000+11:00

hit me like a shot! right between the eyes...hard, hurtful andis gonna take some recovering from...

so i had anMHD (actually it turned out as a genuine sick day when i woke up and theheadache that has been largely dormant, but there, for the last week, was therewith a vengeance - not quite a migraine, but close....i got up, made tea, took2 nurofen and went back to bed...)

of course ithas ended up feeling like an MHD, despite the headache still being there (i'mbeginning to wonder if my neck is out?) and other than a short interaction withthe outside world (Andy from JB Hifi came to replace my buzzing tv -thankfully!) i have spent most of the day on the couch watching the remainingepisodes of Being Erica Season 3 that i started watching in late December...

there issomething about that show, and Eli Stone before it, that really resonates withme...so today was all about patterns and changing them if they are no longerserving you (no kidding!), and then there was the episode about Adam feelingresponsible for his mother and because of that (because she doesn't treat himlike a son, but like a husband, and friend) he resists becoming intimate withothers...

shit, as if ineeded to see that today? well, maybe i did...this very same topic came up bothin my session with Lily last Sunday and also with Sal on Saturday - yep, thereare some fundamental issues with my relationship with my mother, and honestly,i have NO idea how to change it - i don't want it to continue like this, and ofcourse i'm afraid of what me saying 'i'd like a different relationship' will doto her, to our relationship, despite how dysfunctional it is....it'sdifficult...

but i am sickof hearing how difficult her life is - how annoying my father is (and sometimeswhen i spend a few days with them, i find myself siding with her, even thoughhonestly, SHE is the person who's behaviour i can't stand - she is so meansometimes and so petty and goes from 0 to 100 in a milli second about nothing),how he pisses her off etc etc

she shouldn'tbe telling me this! she should be telling a friend, her therapist (yeah right,as if she'd be so self aware to actually have a therapist), or him....why tellme? i'm supposed to be the child in the relationship...

and don't getme wrong - this is not a post about her or her shortcomings so much, but aboutthe impact it has had on me and our relationship - and i'm angry! i feel asthough her role modeling of how to be in a relationship and her expectations ofme are the very things that have contributed (i'm willing to takeresponsibility too) to my inability to form and have intimate relationships -of course what Chris did only compounded that, but seriously..

i am angry!how do i find a way to say to her "mum, i'd prefer not to hear about yourissues with Dad"...maybe just like that?

so, today'sepiphany hasn't been a good one (so often they are a lovely realisation) somuch as maybe one i needed to have...and definitely would not want to be atwork to have this one, so the headache may well have been my friend today...

who knows!plenty to do this year, plenty to learn and this could be one GIANT lesson!

thanksuniverse, i think!

weird...

2012-01-16T16:39:00.000+11:00

so not long after my last post (it might be time) Ben texts me...says he's bored and will i entertain him...honestly i was a bit miffed...not really miffed, more thought it was a bit odd - and whilst i will wholeheartedly admit to contacting him occasionally when i feel lonely, i have never done it when i was bored...

wonder what he thinks is going on with us now?
does he think we are friends?
that i owe him something?

am i reading too much into it (probably...)

but fuck, i was a bit, well if i'm being honest, and i should coz it's my blog, i was a bit repulsed - seemed to have a sexual overtone to it...

so i didn't bother picking up his call when he rang....

maybe i'm learning?

i think it might be time....

2012-01-14T23:13:00.000+11:00

mmm so i told Sal today that last week in the middle of my crisis last week i reached out and texted Ben...and whilst i didn't feel bad about it necessarily, i realised today (actually about a milli second ago, when a text came in from him) that maybe, just maybe, it's time....

time to stop contacting him

time to stop thinking he'll be there when i feel lonely

time to stop thinking that we could be friends

not sure, but perhaps it's time...

something to think about!

what a difference a year makes...

2012-01-14T21:46:00.000+11:00

really! sometimes not even as much as a year, but in this case, yes, a year....

this time last year i was struggling with where i was at: not yet a year since the breakup, chris very much on the scene and on his terms, not sure about where the business would go or whether it would make enough money, not sure where the work would come from, questioning why some people had re-appeared in my life etc...

and yet, a year on (really, has it really been a year?), i feel so much better, so much clearer on who i am, what i stand for, what's important to me and yep, basically, i just feel very very different..

so, if that's the case, then i wonder what things will be like this time next year? after i have worked through the whole raft of 'resolutions' i’ve identified!

surely, only good things to come....!

interesting...

2012-01-14T21:06:00.002+11:00

is really the only way to describe the last week! this time last week i was in the midst of a crisis of confidence - actually not so much a crisis, more aptly described as a vote of no confidence - in self! not a great place to be

so before i went to my amazing reading/healing session with Lily I decided on some NY resolutions - turns out they were the right ones! for me, for now...phew!

so i went to work Monday with a different approach - with a projection of confidence and a sense of self that had been MIA for the last 2 weeks, and you know what? it made a HUGE difference...i had great meetings with almost everyone (even a handful of people that i'd had troublesome meetings with before xmas) and of course i don't attribute that all to me and my state of mind, but also to the fact that almost everyone i met with had something of a break, so perhaps the tensions that were high pre xmas had dissipated a bit...anyway, a lovely week at work and it was nice to get to friday and a) know i had 2 days to myself and b) to have been reminded how much i love my job and c) why i took it in the first place...

re the 'crush' - no longer sure it is one...a fascination maybe...i dunno! sometimes i think there is something there, other times i think there isn't...so i'm gonna do my best to forget about it and just let be, what will be (oh yeah, coz i'm sooo good at that!)

on another note my new tv is emitting a high pitched sound constantly so tomorrow will involve a visit to cute Nick at JB Hifi to report said issue! and tomorrow is also the day of my birthday tea with some of my girlfriends - can't wait!

so, as i struggle to find the motivation to write another chapter in the novel, at least i can console myself that i have written something today!

nite peeps

liberation...

2012-01-14T20:58:00.002+11:00

from 4 May 2011

liberation is what i felt this morning...i was seething after our communication yesterday (refer post sooo very wrong) and for the first time since he re-appeared, i felt as if i had crossed that line, you know, that point of no return with him, you know, the one where if i decided to go back, i only had myself to blame for whatever happened next?

yep, i was so mad! mad with him, mad with myself for not seeing it, and mad mostly, that i have held him out to be someone i thought i wanted to be with...........for 29 long years! fuck, what a waste of my time and energy...no wonder i haven't met my 'mr right'...i've been deluded into thinking he was it!

but no more! i went to bed feeling sad, knowing the end was in sight, but feeling strong and determined and resolved...man, that took some work, but getting there was good (and you know they say it's not about the destination, but the journey? well in this particular case, i reckon they might be wrong...nothing has felt as 'right' in this journey as where i ended up lastnight)

i didn't sleep well, and i didn't for the first time in ages, wake up in a cold sweat, wondering what would be next...i woke up feeling clear and resolved, and even.....a bit happy! yep, seems the old new me (fuck, there have been so many changes in the last few months, i'm not sure which 'me' it was...but she was happy) made a re-appearance today and i can't tell you how very HAPPY i was to see her...welcome back!

imagine my surprise when i turn off my alarm and see a message from him - came in just after midnight (i'm certain i have asked him on at least 4 occasions not to drunk text me late at night...)...saying simply 'u still awake?'...

i didn't even respond, simply looked at it and deleted it, and in my head went about scripting what i would say to him when he finally made contact...what i landed on was this: go fuck with someone else's head, i'm done...

but of course it hasn't quite panned out like that...

around 3pm i get a text asking if i'm free...eventually he calls me at 5pm...i was out walking...he calls back at 5.15pm...

and despite my resolve, i feel sick...want to vomit sick...and what i realised was that i actually didn't want to talk to him but thinking it might be the last time ever (i still like a bit of the dramatic!) i took his call...

and i gave it to him...man did i? i wouldn't normally do this but i figure i'd made up my mind about him and what future (none) there was for us, so i had nothing to lose...i didn't quite stick to my script (bit hard to do that in a 15 minute call...would have meant a LOT of silence!)...

i told him how angry i was with him, how disappointed, how rude i thought he had been yesterday (he claims to have had a really bad day and was angry at the world and taking it out on me - i told him he should maybe consider taking it out on his wife!), how i had been nothing but honest with him and how i felt he had taken advantage of that, how i felt he liked me to be at his beck and call etc etc

it all came out, and i didn't hold back, it was clear i was angry and i actually didn't care if it meant he said 'fine, see ya'...in fact i fully expected that...

i told him i nearly unfriended him on facebook this morning! and i wish i had...

life script...

2012-01-08T19:08:00.000+11:00

yep sounds like a funny phrase, and it probably is - quite common in a therapeutic framework, so i wasn't surprised that it surfaced today during my 6.5 hour reading session - yes, 6.5 hours...with the most amazingly talented, insightful and beautiful soul, Lily....

even before i had declared my NY resolutions earlier this week, i had thought it would be good to go and see Lily...i saw her once before (must be 14 months ago now, and with Leah - one of my dear dear girlfriends, at the time though she was a mere acquaintance and possible business partner) and i sensed that she would have so so much to share with me and to help me on my way...

so it's true, since i took the job in July i haven't been experiencing as much of the depression, loneliness, disconnection and doubt, but the run up to xmas and a number of events that are causing me stress, have sadly made me question myself...

sure, it'll pass - it almost always does, but a little bit of outside, objective help is always useful....

so i couldn't possibly summarise everything we talked about and nor would i necessarily want to share it in this very public domain, but suffice it to say she was spot on with so many things, and even though we spent a lot of time talking about my shadow, i didn't once feel defensive or get my back up...Lily is someone who is so straightforward, so honest and so open with her feedback and without judgement, that you know it comes from a holistic and caring place...

there is no 'you should do less of this' or 'more of that', no 'this is good, that is bad'...nope, it's all about knowing who you are, why you do things and learning to accept it all and use it to your advantage...

one particular aspect of my shadow is aggression, which of course is why i hate it so very much when i feel i have been aggressive or if anyone suggests i am

another thing is the conflict between my sun sign (capricorn) and my rising sign (pisces) and how that gets me into trouble - turns out even though i am logical and structured, i don't like to be tied down and am a romantic at heart! confused yet? yep, well it confuses me too sometimes and also others - so no wonder i sometimes commit to something in the moment and on reflection realise i don't want to do it at all...apparently (and you may laugh) i can actually say 'i've changed my mind' and that doesn't mean I don't have integrity.....fuck, so wish I'd known that a long time ago....

soooo, so many useful things to come out of my time with Lily today, including an energy balance to finish up with...

however, the single best thing to come out of the session was her closing comment to me (and it won't be verbatim, but the sentiment will be there): 'my wish for you is that you see yourself as i do...amazing, beautiful and talented with an incredible energy and so so creative'

isn't that just the loveliest thing? yes it is! and as i re-enter the world of work tomorrow (which I am a wee bit nervous about) i can go knowing the following:

i don't need to take everything so personally (not easy, but i'm starting....now!)
i am NOT responsible for everything and everyone (really? you sure about that?)
my boss is not the person i should be seeking approval from (in fact, i should find that from within)
that she has me there to make her look good and her paying me to do my job in her eyes, is sufficient approval
making myself out to be needy in her eyes, can only mean trouble (she is all about the veneer/facade of success and in some cases, not being human); and
to remember WHY i took the job!

those reasons are as follows (and they have NOTHING to do with her or anyone else):
- financial security
- stability
- to use ALL of my talents/skills in one place
- for myself, so i could feel connected to something bigger than just me
- to make some big changes at my place of work that in 2 - 3 years i can look back on a be really really proud of

funnily enough, before the chat with her on 23/12 (apparently some hideous conjunction was in my chart that day - go figure!) and the insensitive email from one of my staff i was actually feeling great and successful...

maybe i just need to go with how i'm feeling and quit looking for an external validation of self...

yip, if i can do that, it's gonna mean i have WAY more time to focus on finishing my novel, working on self, hanging out with people i love and meeting someone special...sounds like a plan right?

as usual i've digressed and haven't even referred to the blog title, namely the life script - which turns out is (or should i say was!): what did i do wrong? i'm not good enough....

always assuming that when things go wrong i have some responsibility or in some way could have done something differently...

so now the trick is to write a new life script - gonna take some time to ponder what i'd like that to be, but i think a good start will be 'you are good and worthy and maybe this has NOTHING to do with you'....

adios

smooth sailing...

2012-01-06T21:03:00.000+11:00

occurred to me as i was making my cup of tea (the one i'm drinking now, the one i made so i can sit down and tackle the re-write of chapter 28!) that i shouldn't always expect things to go smoothly, and maybe that's why i get so disappointed when things don't go so well...

surely, life can't be a perfect ride? surely, it's normal for things to occasionally go wrong? yip, it is! but seems that for some reason, i get it into my head that it's my fault, or that it's worse than it is when i have a bad day, or get some feedback i don't want, or when someone isn't happy with me...

mmmm something to work on there methinks!

so, i'm going to try and remember that life ain't all smooth sailing and nor would i want it to be - without the lows, the highs won't feel anywhere near as good!

unexpected...

2012-01-06T21:01:00.000+11:00

yep, coming across my email to Ben a couple of days after we broke up, today - that was unexpected!

wow, i can't believe when i was hurting so much i could be so articulate, but guess when you've been saying it for months with no response or change, it's not that hard to repeat it all in an email...

still, made me kinda sad...reminiscent and sad...

just sayin'

i wonder how long i will stick it out....

2012-01-05T22:37:00.000+11:00

honestly? so following the 'not so good' meeting with my boss the last day before my break, and an email containing information which sent me into a spin on tuesday, i have spent a fair bit of time wondering just how long i'm going to stick this job out...

sure, mentioning things like that to my dad sent him into a spin - mental note to self: you do NOT have to stay in a job because everyone else expects you to!

sure, i like most things about it, but i realised that whenever there is conflict (i don't like conflict, not many people do, but i'm at least ok to admit it!) and the possibility that my reputation or integrity could be questioned (not because of my actions, but because of other people's lack of it) i really just want to run away...

it's true! and so my NY's resolutions (i usually don't make them) are as follows:

1) finish novel
2) stop taking things so personally
3) stop taking responsibility for everything

added to those is really a desire to become more resilient, in certain instances to become WAY more circumspect (and try not to lose me in the process)....

anyway, i've digressed - real question is: how long am i gonna stick out the job? when i took it i told myself 3 years, and now, some 6 months in, that feels like a very very very long commitment! of course but that might just be due to my emotional reaction to recent events....

time will tell i guess - it always does...when things aren't clear, waiting it out is always a good option!

so, lot's of work to do (at work and on self) in 2012 - fuck, isn't there always lots to do?

not that i mind...one of the things i have learned about life, and myself, is that no matter how much work we do on ourselves, there is always more to do, more to learn - in that quest to become the best person we can be...

so i've tried really hard to put the comments of this person out of my mind - to focus on what i know in my heart to be true - to not feel like i have to take all the responsibility for where things are and to just be me - the me that made my coaching business a big success!

on that note, bed is calling - i was unsuccessful in my quest to re-write chapter 28 tonight, so that will have to wait until tomorrow...

nite x

grateful, really really grateful...

2012-01-02T16:51:00.000+11:00

that's how i felt as i did my walk today....grateful that i have a job, as i noticed that so many small businesses and other better known businesses, have closed their doors in down town Crows Nest...

i guess i have always felt immune (not because of any special powers) to the GFC's and recessions of recent times (and by recent, I mean any since I started work in 1991)....

not sure why? actually, that's not entirely true, i have some ideas:
- stable employment (except when I ran my business for 2 years)
- buffer (or as I used to call it, the fuck off fund!)
- living largely within my means (mortgage that isn't OTT in terms of affordability etc)

i guess i knew already that taking the job was right - it has felt right since day 1 to be honest, and that's usually a great sign for me....but this morning as i walked through the reasonably affluent Crows Nest, it hit me just how many people have been impacted by the GFC, the $Aus, both of which have meant people shop overseas and online...me included! not that i feel guilty, on the contrary - as a consumer I believe it's my right to hunt down the best deal for me, and it's unlikely I'm going to stop doing that....

but i was a bit sad and even started to think beyond the closed shop doors - what has happened to the people who ran these shops? to the people they employed in these shops? :-(

sooo, i feel grateful today - for my life, for my health, for my family, for my amazing friends (even though some have dropped off this year!), for my beautiful home, for my job and for having enough sense to have some tucked away for a rainy day!

very very grateful....thank you!

your past....

2012-01-01T15:55:00.000+11:00

i just read something that said 'make peace with your past so it doesn't impact your present'....and i got to wondering if that is as easy as the statement?

methinks not! i have spent a lot of time in therapy trying to come to peace with my past and years on i still don't think i'm there...

sure, i have a lot more self awareness around it and how it impacts me, but still, it's part of who i am and it's bloody hard to be at peace with something that had such a massive impact on who i became...

maybe 2012 is the year that will allow me to be at peace with it all, once and for all?

2011 year in review - not forgotten, just didn't get around to it yet, but i will, coz i find it very cathartic and a part of the past in the past journey, to do it...

happy new year everyone!

Being Erica...

2011-12-30T11:20:00.000+11:00

funny how a show can seem to mirror what's going on in your own life, or is it more that when we are feeling something acutely, we look for similarities?

either way, i just Love Being Erica...sister bought my Season 3 for Xmas (thanks sis)....

must say the start was a bit jarring, couldn't really see why she needed to do group but of course the therapist in me can see why, and it even got me wondering if i should also 'do group'??

a question for me to ponder methinks...i thought seriously about going to group after Chris showed up and as i struggle through the mire that is the christmas loneliness (i totally get why so many people attempt suicide at this time of the year...it can be bloody lonely) and the inevitable reflection that comes with New Year, my birthday and then 26th Jan (although I feel good about where things with Ben ended up now)....i wonder if these feelings are just related to the time of year, or whether they go way deeper than that, and ordinarily i have structured my life to be so busy and full that i have little or no time for reflection?

doesn't sound right does it? for an introvert, to have organised her life so that there is no time for reflection...not true actually, usually weekends are very very quiet, by design, so no that's not true, and for most of this year (especially since i started work again) i have been happy...

mmmm so maybe it's a coupla things: break from work (maybe i'm missing it, or something about it), still going over that conversation with the boss in my head (groan...), just had 5 days with the fam and coming home, whilst lovely, always takes some adjusting to, period (yep, that NEVER helps (although there is increasing regularity in them again...?), too much time to think about the only thing i wish was different in my life....

the therapist in me is wondering if all of these things are contributing to me questioning my sense of self - perhaps i'm in the middle of an existential crisis? and like every other EC, it will pass...eventually, but for now, the best thing to do is sit in it, feel it, and resist the urge to move out of it...

which is what the 'reaching out' is all about, and yet funnily enough, i am possibly looking in the wrong place...never occurs to me to share these feelings with people i actually care about...nope, peripheral wannabe's....

something to think about!

and now, walk or write? big decision....!

meh...

2011-12-29T18:24:00.000+11:00

is how i feel today...only word for it really

despite a fabulous victory by Australia in the first test v India and some GREAT bowling....

despite having had a nice break in the 'berra with the fam for xmas

despite how good i usually appraise my life to be...

yep, i feel meh! of course all of this could be due to the fact that i got my period today, so one can never be certain that those feelings are likely to stick around (real, yes but maybe only v v temporary and hormonally influenced...)..

but i feel lonely! i love xmas with my family but as another year goes by and me single, and seemingly no-one on the horizon, i reflect on how much nicer it might be to spend the holiday season (or should i say christmas season, as i am neither jewish, muslim nor PC!) with someone...someone special, as well as my fam...

a random text message on boxing day also didn't help, as i really did think it was Chris and so a number of thoughts about him and what happened also started flying through my head, so imagine my surprise when it turns out not to be him that i'm disappointed - what a head fuck (as Sallyanne would say!)....

could also be that as a result of all of this and last night's PMT, i decided to text the bloke from work that i have a crush on....fuck! so wish i hadn't done that...harmless conversation ensued, but i had really wanted to not make contact with him over the break, mainly because i can't get a read on his feelings, so me initiating, ain't gonna help make that any clearer...

soooo really meh is where it's at...perhaps a night on the couch with Being Erica S3 will help!

invisible...

2011-12-24T10:21:00.000+11:00

interesting, that the title of this post was intended to let me talk about Paul Auster's 'Invisble' which i've just finished reading, and honestly, it was a disappointment! compared to The Brooklyn Follies which i adored, the ending of this one was well, sloppy....

sorry Paul, but i didn't enjoy it! once the protagonist died and it became the other's perspective it just stopped for me...

interesting too that invisible is how i felt yesterday with my boss! i am so annoyed and disappointed by her at times - don't get me wrong, usually, we get on very well and I enjoy working with her, but before i decided to take a full time role with her, i did have a big think about how i might handle her sometimes blunt beyond words approach...

and sadly, for about only the 2nd time in our working relationship, she was like that yesterday, the only day i would have appreciated a 'thank you, you've done a great job'...but no, when i chose to reflect on how much we'd achieved in 5 short months she didn't once say yes, great job, well done...no! all i got was you haven't done the thing i wanted six months ago....which is really the reporting line change of one team into another area (not really being driven by me) and then when i asked her to sign some things she has been asking for and she didn't understand the contents of the letter (which incidentally is EXACTLY what she asked for when we did the same thing a month or two back) and i started to explain, she yelled at me!

nice! really fucking nice way to end my year at work....NOT!

so after that meeting my day went decidely pearshaped as i played her words over and over in my head all afternoon and into my evening.....

sure, there are times when maybe i do talk over her (usually when she's not listening to me or when she has changed her mind for the nth time and i want to yell at her that i'm not actually a fucking mind reader!) but in this case her words were just mean....and i think, largely unwarranted - in addition to telling me this, she also said that i am not very good at reading people (maybe she meant her - and true, she's not easy to read) and that i need to listen!

funny really, coming from her...

but maybe there is something in it for me - in my working relationship with her....maybe, although i'm going to do my best not to spend my entire 2 weeks off (yes, 2 whole weeks to myself...yay!) thinking about it!

ok, well, i feel better having blogged about it - always do! thank god writing is cathartic...

speaking of writing, hope to finish my little writing project by early Jan so i can decide if it's going to be shipped off to a publisher!

have a wonderful xmas and stay tuned for more ramblings into 2012!

s
xx

on the fence...

2011-12-21T21:08:00.000+11:00

yep, i'm on the fence...undecided about whether it IS or IS NOT a crush...

i wonder if i wasn't feeling the need to sensor my feelings (coz of the work situation), would i in fact come out and say the words...or is it genuine 'on the fence' territory?

hmmm not sure!

i can't really get a read at all, but that shouldn't stop me admitting what my feelings are should it? NO i can hear the grown up in me saying...and the petulant child (perhaps a teenager and afraid of admitting her feelings for someone until she knows what they will say in return) is happy to keep her cards a bit closer to her chest...

ok, ok so i like him...i want to know more...but i can't do anything...

so, there you have it, maybe i'm only on the fence because i think it's safer up there?

big sigh of relief...

2011-12-21T20:49:00.000+11:00

seriously, no other way to describe it...

see, a coupla weeks ago i had my first mammogram, which came about as a result of Mum's recent brush with breast cancer (all ok now following 2 lumpectomies and a 20 day course of radiotherapy..and now the drugs)...

it was not a pleasant experience (will be going for the ultrasound version next time methinks), and the woman who did it wasn't particularly nice, the woman on the desk ok, but in an attempt to tell me i may get a call back as it was my first time actually freaked me out...

so it's been something of a wait and last night the letter arrived! of course, i'm so bad at opening mail that i didn't think to open it until today...

of course, when i realised what it was, i was nervous, or maybe hopeful is a better description...

anyway 'no visible signs of breast cancer' were the words i read...and read, and read until i was CERTAIN that i hadn't misread it!

truly almost no better way to start the day :-) i am so very grateful...thank you universe

then a good morning at work, got heaps done, welcomed resignation, and then a drive to the other office to deliver an MBTI team building session which was FABULOUS! no really, it was fabulous!

I had forgotten how much i love MBTI (well not really, i just don't get to use it anywhere as much as i would like these days) and i thoroughly enjoyed this presentation/session to a group of mainly 'NT's (eek)....went so well, made me a little nostalgic for my little business...

but only a little! coz i really DO love my job! it's been a HUGE 5 months where i have delivered 2 big projects and done a lot of work to set the tone of the organisation - i think we call this cultural change!

anyway, enough from me...i'm giving myself an ultra early night, ready for what i know will be a big day tomorrow!

nite!

sometimes the ending isn't what

2011-12-19T22:27:00.001+11:00

you expect at the start...

that can absolutely be said about today...

i woke up when the alarm went off, in the middle of a very bizarre dream (something about me driving a car i didn't feel i had control of - go figure!)...my big project came to fruition today and whilst i was excited it did, i am exhausted...and honestly, only thing i wanted to do this morning was crawl back under the doona and hide...

but no, i went! i went, it was good, i got to see everyone, and honestly, it's a great achievement! the 2nd project i've delivered (not alone in this instance) in 5 months - big ones too! both of them...but i'm tired

can't remember a time in my entire career when i've ever worked so hard actually...

so, as day went on and i got tireder, i realised that rain would mean no tennis (good and bad) - bad in that i love my tennis, good in that i could write and make up some lost time...

so did just that! chapter 34 done and i remember how fabulous it feels to be engaged in something you love...

yep, must remember that...

of course, meaningless, stupid emails with someone is also a nice diversion...

so, sure day didn't start so well, but it has ended well and i'm smiling..!

ok, bed is calling! nite xx

underwhelmed...

2011-12-18T19:21:00.002+11:00

is as good a description as any for how i feel...

yep, this time of year inevitably lends itself to me finding myself in a funk! and i've had an ok day, done some nice stuff for myself and wrapped the pressies to send to Melbs, found the perfect bedside lamps, and yet i still feel meh...

yep, underwhelmed, bit sad, wee bit lonely, very reflective, shopped out (did some good shopping for self), but still...

these are all temporary pleasures...

siri...

2011-12-15T22:02:00.000+11:00

yes folks, i have siri! well not me, but my new phone (thanks work...)

so i thought i'd ask her a few questions today:

a) tell xx i'm running late and sure enough she writes a text to xx
b) tell yy i'm running late and that didn't go so well - turns out i know 12 yy's and she only gave me 2 options, none of which where the yy i wanted to tell!
c) set my alarm for 6.35am and sure enough she does
d) when am i next seeing sallyanne and she tells me i am seeing her saturday at 10.30am

how fucking cool is that? seriously, i don't know what sort of person doesn't love the iphone...

really, who wouldn't? and i haven't even worked out anywhere near 5% of what she, or my new phone, can do!

and now that i am over my temporary sense of humour loss (SOHL), itunes and iphone os updated with the latest versions, seems my 1022 songs are transporting themselves from the pc to my new device! yay...

older and a wee bit wiser...

2011-12-15T21:57:00.001+11:00

and no, i haven't had another birthday! not yet...that's a little over 3 weeks away

no, what i mean by this post is that the older and wee bit wiser me, managed to resist the urge to contact chris...and i'm sure that a big part of it was not being able to actually find his number....

mental note to self: ALWAYS delete someone from the phone when you think it's a good idea to not have them in there in case of weak moments, or worse, the drunken dial

so sure, i couldn't find his number but as i found myself working out where it might be stored, i suddenly realised that if i actually did make contact with him, it would inevitably re-open the nightmare that was most of the first half of this year, and why? why the fuck would i do that to myself?

as if it wasn't bad enough he turned up at all...sure, he turned up, he said sorry, got what he wanted, and then left me to pick up the pieces from our childhood...

yep, easy for him, seemingly...

how relieved i am now, only a handful of days later that i didn't make contact with him...that i knew where it would go and that i resisted what turned out to be a very temporary urge...and what surely would have ended up in tears...

aren't they all? temporary? urges that is? so it's nice to look back on it and think that perhaps the reason it didn't end in tears, is not because i couldn't find his number, but because a tiny wee part of me, the older and slightly wiser part, knew it would be a bad idea...

yep, i'm going with that take on it all...

then again, i wonder if we ever change? if it's possible to break the patterns of a lifetime? to change the patterns and not make the same mistakes over and over again (of course, philosophically i believe it's possible or why else would i have become a therapist? but in this case, it's a rhetorical question to self!)

fuck, i had the most....

2011-12-13T22:41:00.000+11:00

overwhelming urge to make contact with you know who...yep! out of the blue...

weird! i found myself scrounging around for his number...thankfully i could not lay my hands on it (small mercies really)...

and found myself having some serious flashbacks...not good...

and these are the times i wish i had someone in my life, someone who would just hold me and tell me it will be alright...

yep, that's what i wish for...the lead up to xmas is always good in that i enjoy buying gifts for the people i love and preparing for a break with my family, and also tinged with sadness at having to do yet another one on my own...

wonder if that will ever get easier?

bit sad tonight...

something or nothing?

2011-12-13T20:35:00.002+11:00

unsure, no clearer than i was yesterday but i think i know a bit more...

so in favour:
- nice
- has f in his mbti
- likes baseball
- has foxtel
- likes nyc
- when picking me up a cherry ripe, also got me a coke (nice..)
- much younger than me (i think, have no idea, but i suspect...)
- he listens

not in favour
- we work together
- i can't get a read
- we work together - a wee bit overweight
- likes to please (i like this too, but it can be a challenge)
- we work together
- much younger than me (i think!)
- we work together
- suspect even if he did like me, he'd do nothing...we'll probably both do nothing
- we work together

yep, uncertain is where it's at....

oh yeah, and did i mention? we work together!

ok, now gotta do some actual writing!!

ps guess who's getting an iphone 4s? siri here we come!

not sure...

2011-12-12T21:34:00.000+11:00

if i have a crush or not...hard to tell really....

so this 'boy' (i call him that, but he's a man, of course, just a term of endearment) and i had a few emails over the weekend, albeit about work type stuff, and i got to wondering if maybe he likes me too?

i have NO idea frankly - no fucking idea...i'm out of practice at this stuff, so i am not the most effective commentator...

perhaps i need an indepedant opinion! oh that's right - he works for the company i work at, and it wouldn't be kosher, shall we say? to seek such an opinion...

sooo, guess i'll have to ride this one out alone....

what i can say is this: he has a fabulous MBTI profile result!

still not sure if i have a crush on him...i like him, i'd like to know more about him...got a nice surprise when i found out he was interested in cricket...(never expect that from a geek!), which is a stupid statement really as my ex of 2 years (a massive geek) was also a mad cricket fan!

sooo i don't really know...not really sure at all?

crush?

2011-12-10T21:22:00.001+11:00

mmmm, well i think i might have a crush! not a serious one... but hey

been a while, so it's kind of taken me by surprise....problem is, it's a guy a work...an IT guy at work who's super helpful...have spent a fair bit of time talking to him in the week leading up the big project (which started this weekend)....

he's kinda nice
i'm intrigued, meaning i would be interested to know more about him

can't make a move, in fact, not sure i can do anything

wonder if he will make a move?
wonder if he even likes me?
wonder if it's all in my head (i do have a good imagination, so maybe this is just another one of my imaginings?)
??

not sure what happened, exactly...

2011-12-05T19:45:00.000+11:00

but i find myself in the midst of a funk...certain it's not permanent (they never are right?) but it has been an unwelcome surprise in an otherwise good coupla weeks...

although truth be told, a coupla big things have happened and maybe this is just the catch up...you know what i mean right? you just keep going and going and eventually there's a big fall (not that i'm a negative person, on the contrary actually, but if you push yourself hard enough, eventually there is a coming down from the high that you were on...natural part of life i guess)...

but this coming down, well it don't feel so good! of course November was a mad busy month and one where i had very little down time (due to my successful venture into the realms of NaNoWriMo...) and a fair bit happened, not the least of which was being dumped by the psychotic former friend who came back but is now, yet again, in the former friend heap where she belongs...and sure, it's ended up just how i would like it, but i have some unresolved stuff around all that - stuff i want to say to her, which of course i won't...but stuff, that if i'm honest, is building into anger (not good, i know i know)

and then of course there is the big project at work (which until today was something of a secret, and i say something, because it seems there were a LOT of people who knew about this so called secret!) which has been dominating the attention of so many, even though there are plenty of other key things going on...so i guess whilst i'm not feeling left out, i feel as though perhaps the work me and a handful of other people are doing will go largely unnoticed, but if it fucked up, then of course, it would be a big deal...and this is one of the things about corporate life i have always found hard to deal with...

added to that some of my peers who have been v focused on the secret project, so much so that in recent weeks my emails about my project have gone unread, but when i asked them to discuss with me their expectations about things which impacted their wallets, they managed to find time not just to email me quickly but in some cases, to drop in and make it a priority...

so yep, i'm in a funk and it feels crappy...i am consoling myself with food (this is never a good thing for me to do) and am starting to find just being with this group of people exhausting - seems my usual ebullient self has taken a holiday....

and yep, i'm lonely! writing a book which has a large element of romance and sex and intimacy is making me think about where those things are in my life, and the honest answer is, they are nowhere...sure, it took me a long while to move on from my relationship with ben, meaning i didn't want to focus on meeting someone else, but now i just feel lonely and wish i had someone special to cuddle up to and share my life with....

so yep, there you have it! i'm in a funk, i have no idea when it started, i have no idea when it will end...but i do know that it will....eventually!

that's all from me!

50,276

2011-11-30T21:01:00.000+11:00

yep, you read it correctly folks....50,276 words in my inaugural NaNoWriMo challenge!

too tired to even write this, so giving myself a well deserved early mark

very very proud of self!

grateful...

2011-11-28T20:57:00.001+11:00

is how i feel really

despite a shocker day at work - seemed everyone had attitude today, lots of bad moods and 'tone', some from people i normally get on well with, so much that by 5pm when i had to leave to get to the specialist (another story there!) i was glad to see the back of the place (and this is rare) but also i started to wonder if it was me? was any of it my shit and my projection onto others?

as far as i can tell i was in a good mood, busy yes, needed to get a lot done yes, but not in a bad mood...guess in the end, everyone elses rubbed off on me!

so then, i leave on time to get to specialist on time (coz i am respectful of others...) and for the 2nd time in 2 visits she is running more than 15 minutes late - no phone call, no text...imagine if i turn up late, i have no doubt she wouldn't wait for me and i'm paying her? fucking joke - i have NO idea what they teach them at medical school but some social skills and gee i don't know, a skerrick of empathy would be good!

i get home with enough time before tennis to call my parentals, and i have a good chat to mum and she shares with me a story about some of their closest friends....

let's call them A & V...lovely older couple who they have been friends with for years, they go to the races together and i see them most xmas's when i'm home visiting...turns out he has dementia and it's really impacting him now...and my mum recounted to me a story that V told her last week: that A had gotten up in the night, unable to get comfy in the bed, gone to each bedroom in their house in search of a comfy bed, and then come back to their bedroom and stood in the door crying and asking what would happen to him...

breaks my heart....for her, for him, for them both....and even though it wasn't the best day i am GRATEFUL that i am ok, that my parents are doing fine...

so thank you universe for looking out for the people i love xxx

'without being crass.....

2011-11-27T22:10:00.002+11:00

it made me hard' was the male response to my sex scene! was well chuffed with that response...

it's hard to write a sex scene, well the first time you do it, it's hard (no pun intended)...and i have put it off for a few days, not knowing where to start, how to write it, how i wanted it to be read etc etc

so last night, i finally had to overcome my procrastination and just write...and i turned to my old friend, vodka for some help! a strong glass of vodka with lemonade and i was able to pen a scene i was happy with, bar one word! yep, you guessed it, how DO you describe 'it' in a word that isn't pornographic or overtly male?

so, today is the test - the best friend, who's been reading each chapter as it's written, has been giving great and very positive feedback, which has been encouraging...although i suspect there are things she wants to point out but feels too bad! frankly, wish she would point them out as i want her opinion on all manner of things chic lit! especially since this is her preferred reading genre, and distinctly, not mine!

ah the irony...

so, she sends this message after reading the scene: absolutely brilliant. very very well done'...so i post on FB my delight at her feedback and a male FB friend (and i call him an FB friend coz he is - we have NEVER met in real life, we connected about a year ago after i'd been to an online/internet thingy and he was friends with a number of people i met, in the last year we've had some great conversations, some very intimate, others inane, but on reading my post he sends me a message saying 'send me your sex scene' and i do)

of course that sent me into something of a spin! a man reading my sex scene - i guess that would be the ultimate test? i was visibly cringing as i knew he was reading the extract i'd sent to him...

don't know why i was worried - this was his response:

'and not to be crass, but it made me hard...it's good, i like the way you've written the speech, you can hear it'

wow! completely blew me away...

so, imagine my surprise at getting 2 glowing reports...chuffed! no other word for it, absolutely chuffed...

sooo with that i will excuse myself, finish my cup of tea, clean my teeth and crawl into bed! i've had a truly lovely weekend, lots of me time, a great therapy session, had a nice chat with the bloke at the bottleo, caught up with the bff, did a walk, went to aldi, spoke to my fam and another of my dear friends...all good!

g'nite ya'll...

not the best of days....

2011-11-21T20:20:00.000+11:00

and nothing really bad has happened...meaning nobody i love or care about has been hurt, nobody i love has died, nothing in particular has happened i'm just in a funk...perhaps it's a case of the mean reds...

started mid to late afternoon yesterday when on the way to the airport with my dad he asked me if i'd met anyone, and was i over Ben etc etc

to be honest, i am so busy right now that i haven't really had too much time to think about it, but yeah, i guess sometimes being single is lonely...

for the most part i love it and since i took this job, which i also love (for the most part, otherwise this post would have no basis in reality!) i haven't had much time for anything but work, tennis, friends, family, exercise (although i definitely have less time for it!) and rejuvenating...oh and during November, NaNoWriMo...

but when i got home last night i felt sad - perhaps not so much sad as reminiscent - the question about Ben got me thinking about him and only the day before I told my mother that i dodged a bullet with Ben...maybe i felt bad about saying that? maybe the universe is punishing me? either way i felt sad

wasn't helped by an email from a colleague who is clearly pissed off with me right now - he's been showing attitude towards me in recent weeks and i can't pinpoint what is going on - at some point i will get up the courage to ask him, but in the meantime he's been cranky with me, late to my meetings (often he doesn't turn up at all), he is pushing back on things that i make decisions on and he was rude to a staff member of mine...

of course his excuse is that he's busy - well, fuck, who the hell isn't busy? we have a bucket load of things to do and he is under enormous pressure (i know this for a fact), but still...

anyway, it's kind of added to my melancholy (good word that) and i find myself deep in a funk...

so, hope the rain in Jo'burg will stop and i will get to watch some cricket - hope Lexie (my main character) will do something good in tonight's instalment and i hope i get a good nights sleep so i can go to tomorrow's mnt meeting with good humour and a kind and open heart....

commitment to self...

2011-11-16T21:49:00.001+11:00

is something that i have thought about in passing previously, but in the last few weeks, since i signed up for NaNoWriMo, it has come up a whole LOT more...

so turns out i have made this commitment, one that requires an enormous amount of discipline, energy, and time...not to mention, one needs to find inspiration sometimes...

but i am proud to say that as at today, some 16 days through a 30 day challenge, i am on track to complete a 50,000 word novel in a month

yep, that's right! hard to believe, and let me tell you it's fucking hard work...i am beyond exhausted, burning the candle at both ends, as it were, and all to do something for myself!

how nice...how different, for someone who has, for a large part of her life, done things for others and put her own needs to the back!

so, i'm pleased to say that my commitment to myself and to completing NaNoWriMo is so far, going well! at an average of 1,671 per day i have done 26,737 words, which equates loosely to 15 chapters!

let's hope i can keep this up for another 14 days!

wish me luck!

contentment...

2011-11-10T22:14:00.002+11:00

is just about the only word i can come up with for how i feel today...

so my day started off well! good nights sleep, message of thanks and gratitude from my boss regarding a big piece of work that i had done, sun was shining when i got up, work good (despite perhaps one too many meetings today), productive day, tennis with my coach, yummy dinner, cricket on the tele, and then an approval to go to a conference at the Gold Coast next year...if i sleep well tonight it will just about be the perfect day!

oh, and my sister let it slip that she has ordered me a personalised Carlton iphone 4 cover - nice! very excited...no doubt that will be my nephews gift to me so mental note to act surprised when i get it :-)

so yep, life is good right now! i love my job, i'm loving the challenge, i'm loving the people, i'm loving doing something that is appreciated, i'm loving the relationship with my boss, loving getting paid regularly! i love my friends, i love my family, i'm relieved and pleased my mum's cancer is soon to be a thing of the past...oh and i love that i finally committed to NaNoWriMo and have written 7 chapters in 8 days! seriously, not sure i could be happier?

and typically when i write this sort of thing i think 'yeah i could, if i had a partner' but you know, honestly, right now, for the first time in my life it feels like almost everything is going well and i don't think i have time for someone special right now, and if i had someone special in my life, i'd want them to feel special...

so i am one contented chic right now, and grateful...thank you universe xx

800th post!

2011-11-08T20:33:00.000+11:00

wow, turns out this is my 800th post...can you believe that? well, i can of course, since writing is one of my all time favourite pastimes!

so following the 'bubble girl' post last, it seems that since i had essentially left to the universe what would happen next, universe has indeed provided...

and i was not going to say a whole lot of stuff that had been flowing through my head since friday, but fuck it...this is my blog, i don't care who reads it and i think i need to get it out of my head

having this person re-appear in my life just about a year ago has been interesting, allowed me to really put the new me into action, exhausting (without a doubt), mostly one sided, draining and frankly, by the time she left here on sunday afternoon the only words ringing in my head were 'sort your fucking shit out'...

seriously! is she the ONLY person on the planet who thinks she's tired? is she the only person to ever have had a husband (who's lovely BTW), 2 kids (also lovely), a business that they run and complain constantly about how difficult her life is, how mentally exhausted she is (seriously, if i hear that expression one more time i will most likely stab the person who says it - she said it so many times in the course of 3 days, i found it hard to imagine anyone could convince themselves they were mentally exhausted, rather than doing something about it)....

seriously! take a long fucking hard look in the mirror and sort it out! any conversation that starts out about someone else ends up being about her, every attempt at empathy quickly becomes sympathy and a comparison to her situation, almost everything comes back to a discussion about the inadequacies of her parents (admittedly they were a bit odd)...i found myself thinking how sad it is that someone who's 42 has little or no understanding of social graces and still thinks it's ok to blame her parents - seriously?

YOU ARE 42 I wanted to yell out to her on many occasions over the weekend, but no, i held it in and tried to empathise (i at least know how to do this)....

so, she dumps me by text today - that's grown up isn't it? yep, when i sent her a thank you text for the chocolates she bought me i got something like 'i've done a lot of soul searching and i don't think we're a good fit'...

hilarious, and yet true...we have little or nothing in common and not for the first time in weeks i am able to reflect on my own journey and feel VERY proud of the person I am, the work i have done and the decisions i have made in the last coupla years...

sooooo onwards and upwards...sure i'm a wee bit sad, but mostly i'm just relieved that i won't have to listen to her self indulgent crap anytime soon!

nite x

bubble girl....

2011-11-06T19:42:00.000+11:00

ah yes, have bean hanging out for this feeling since thursday evening...

had a full on week at work last week, well technically only 4 days since i had friday off, but by thursday night it felt like i'd worked a whole week! last weekend was interrupted on saturday and sunday by some work related issues and by monday i felt as though i hadn't had a proper weekend (shouldn't complain and this isn't a complaint, as some of my colleagues spent their ENTIRE weekends at work)...worked like some sort of crazed adrenaline junkie throughout the week (which included melbourne cup) and the start of NaNoWriMo and by thursday night when i left work i was dizzy from exhaustion...that doesn't happen to me too often

didn't sleep too well on thursday night, rarely do when i have house guests, and friday we shopped, literally until we dropped...my designs of a morning shop, lunch out then an afternoon nap before a walk and then a home cooked dinner soon fell by the wayside...

got some great stuff mind and in all, was happy with the day

saturday some more of the same but this time at paddington markets, which i LOVE! Paddo markets is one of those archetypal Sydney things! always there, always good, seems impossible to leave without having either picked up a unique something or gotten a few great ideas for clothes or house stuff...love it! then afternoon tea in the QVB and a bit more 'browsing' before heading home around 5.30pm by which stage another entire day had passed and all we had done was shop and eat!

quieter night last night and a nice home cooked meal and then this morning, which despite my desire for a quiet sunday morning, was a reasonably emotionally charged morning with an admission from the visiting friend that she thought she'd done something to upset me yesterday and had she pissed me off and that she'd been tossing and turning all night...

fuck! so NOT how i wanted my sunday morning to go...so a lengthy discussion follows and i sit there, trying to be as calm as possible, and we go through it all...certainly, good thing to do but i recommend a) not being tired and b) having had some reflection time before doing such a thing...me, neither! anyway, all's well that ends well (or that's how the saying goes right?) but i can tell you that i have spent some time reflecting since it all unfolded...

exhausting frankly....over now and i guess resolved, but exhausting...

in the time since this friend re-appeared in my life this time last year, after a 16 year hiatus, at her doing, albeit not voluntarily, i have pondered on where it will go? whether or not we would be able to re-establish a connection that would allow us to have a meaningful friendship going forward? whether or not that's what i wanted? sure, part of the pull is that we had a good friendship 20 or so years ago, well as good as we could back then, but neither of us knew anything about life or ourselves back then...

we're different now, i'm certainly different now, and i have found myself questioning where it might all end up, and trying to work out where i'd like it to end up...

coming up empty frankly

can't decide

not sure i have to

so for now, i'm going to be content with being back in my beautiful little bubble...ah!

girl interrupted...

2011-11-05T22:44:00.000+11:00

that's what it feels like to have a house guest for not one, not two, but three nights during NaNoWriMo...

and sure, i'm enjoying her visit, but i am feeling bad that it's distracted me from the task at hand, which this month, is NaNoWriMo...

did so well to start! met or exceeded the word count on days 1 and 2, did about 2/3 of word count on day 3, nothing today, but tomorrow i hope to be able to make up for lost time...

so i feel, not quite as dismantled as Winona in girl interrupted, but still..

3415 down, 46585 to go...

2011-11-02T22:17:00.000+11:00

yep, you read it right folks! 3415 is the current word count and 46585 is the words i have to write between now and 30 november...

what was i thinking? this is a serious WTF?

in all seriousness though, i'm enjoying having made this commitment to myself! for YEARS i have been saying i wanted to write a novel and in recent times i have wanted to do NaNoWriMo...and i have found way too many reasons (none of which were probably good reasons not to) not to do it...

but no, this year i decided none of those reasons, or even excuses, coz let's be serious that's what they were, were actually good enough...

so, 2 days in, 3415 words down and 2 chapters that i am reasonably happy with!

who would have thought i would be so good at something when i really set my mind to it!

shoulda known that...not like it's the first time i've observed myself to be a) good under pressure and b) able to demonstrate good willpower when it's something i really want...

funny how sometimes we lose sight of our strengths!

happy writing to any fellow NaNoWriMo's...

S
x

oh shit...

2011-10-27T21:22:00.001+11:00

i did it

i enrolled in NaNoWriMO...

fuck...what was i thinking?

i have NEVER been busier in my entire life and now i decide to enrol in NaNoWriMO...i must be mad!

so, on tuesday it starts...

between now and then i gotta come up with an idea for this novel...

shit shit shit!

oh well, gonna give it a try - if i get ANYWHERE close to 75,000 words in one month, that will be a huge effort...

wish me luck!

it's a mixed bag tonight...

2011-10-26T21:12:00.001+11:00

yep folks, tonight's post is going to be a mixed bag! seems i don't have anywhere near as much time as i would like to write the blog so tonight is going to be something of a brain dump of the last little bit of time...

so first up let's start with my weird dream friday night...saturday night had plans to go to a Girls Night In cancer fundraiser with one of the bff's...theme is meant to be Carnivale (and you know how much I love a theme...not!)...so imagine my surprise when i wake up in a cold sweat Saturday morning having had the following little dream:

Kirsten turns up to the house, but it's not my house but a house i'm looking after for someone else, a house that has some strange floor plan as it seems there are walls/doors where there shouldn't be and it just doesn't flow...wonder what that means? and it's not just her but another 2 or 3 girls and they are all seriously dressed up - not in carnivale but in very flashy dresses, heels etc (this in itself is weird coz Kirst doesn't much like the dress up)...so then the next scene is me going thru the wardrobe of the lady of the house, whoever that is, and all i can find is air hostess uniforms in dry cleaning bags? seriously, WTF is that all about - Freud would have a field day with that one...

then there's the topic of my somewhat annoying neighbours - i'm not sure if i've mentioned them before and to be fair they aren't annoying all of the time...but she's one of those north shore snobs who has an affected way of talking - so affected i want to push her head through a concrete wall and he's a nice bloke who's frankly whipped! but seems that between the 2 of them they can't park a bloody car properly and i find myself becoming increasingly annoyed by their less than competent parking in the street...see there's enough room for 3 cars if everyone parks like a normal person, but no no, these 2 imbeciles seem incapable of doing that rendering the space only suitable for 2 cars...not sure why it does my head in, but it SERIOUSLY bothers me...mental note to self: discuss with therapist!

then there's NaNoWriMo which for years I have considered entering, and this year, when i a) have NO time whatsoever and b) even less time than I have had in any of the preceding years when I considered this, I am actually thinking about entering...am i fucking mad? or just really keen to see what the structure and challenge of something like NaNoWriMo will do for my novel writing...?

and there's also the sudden interruption to my re-established sleep pattern...damn it! i'd worked so hard to try and re-establish a good, and by good i mean natural, i.e. no drugs, sleeping pattern...but in recent days (post virus and possibly pre menstrual) that seems to have fallen by the wayside and i find myself crawling into bed so tired i entertain the thought of NEVER waking up...and yet, unable to sleep the thoughts flick through my head like a reel that just won't turn itself off...annoying!

so that's all for the mixed bag...

nite x

ps happy birthday to my uncle mart!

oh, and i'm changing fonts - came across this one by accident and kinda like it!

dating...

2011-10-20T20:49:00.000+11:00

it's a funny word that...dating! what does it really mean? i mean I wonder how someone came up with it to refer to the meeting of 2 people in a romantic sense...bizarre...

anyway, tuesday night i had a date! first one in a LONG time and it was nice...actually it was! and i think a LOT of that was due to my attitude...

i felt good, confident, wore a dress (i know i know, those of you who know me are thinking 'WTF she wore a dress'), and for almost ever i didn't feel i had to be someone i'm not, or apologise for or defend my position on things...

so a nice night, would see him again if he asks, and if he doesn't, well, it was a nice night...

none of my usual paranoia has set in - you know how it goes: will he call? did he like me? am i this? am i that? nope, don't really care either way! had a good evening, enjoyed his company, was delighted he was a gentleman and that's it...

guess this is living in the moment, guess it's being grown up - either way, i like it!

it's been a bloody busy few weeks otherwise - tuesday (and my 2nd board meeting) marked my 3 month anniversary with the new employer! wow, that went by in a flash...in another 3 months it will be more than a year since the fuckwit re-appeared in my life, xmas will have been and gone, mum will be finished her radiotherapy, i'll be 43 and it will be only a handful of days until the 2 year anniversary since ben and i split...

time seems to be literally flying by these days - and i'm neither saying that is good nor bad, simply noting it down...

i still love the job, i'm still very glad i took it, there are some teething issues which are now well and truly making themselves known, i have made some good relationships with some and i'm enjoying the work...despite me being able to see many years of work ahead to get it to where i'd like to leave it...

and not that i'm thinking of leaving, not yet anyway, but this never was going to be permanent and the more i think about what it means to me and where it fits into my life, the more i know that ultimately i hope to be really helping others who haven't had it so good as me...

and sure, some of you may think that what i'm doing now achieves that, and i guess, it does in some ways - my predecessor was a horrible man who nobody seemed to like much less respect and so i am working hard to turn the perception of our team around...so we are helping, i know we are, but not in the way i really wanna be helping...

the other thing too is this yearning i have to write a novel - i really do - and i know that some women my age probably yearn for a child they haven't had yet or a relationship (sure, wouldn't mind one of those), i yearn to be doing exactly what i think i'm on this earth for...

in the meantime, it's all a bit of fun, i'm trying not to take it all so seriously and happy to be enjoying the ride!

am really tired now - 2 days of fighting an infection (they are unsure whether it's viral or bacterial) which manifested in me not being able to open my right eye yesterday morning has left me without much energy...so i'm going to make a cup of tea and crawl into bed with Paul Auster - yep, first book of his i've ever read (The Brooklyn Follies) and I can honestly say 'that man can write' - it's a good read and so beautifully written...

i fear before i do get into bed i will duck by bookdepository.co.uk to see what other little gems of his I can pick up!

nite xx

for the first time in

2011-10-10T21:32:00.001+11:00

a LONG time i feel truly happy and content with my lot in life...:-)

how nice to be able to reflect on life and say that...bar the incident at the dry cleaner's earlier, but i'm not going to let that mar an otherwise positive post (and day!)

so work is great - and i cannot remember the last time i said that and really meant it - and not to imply that i don't tell the truth, or that i say things are good when they are not, but they haven't been this good for a very long time...possibly ever

big call right? and i did love my business when i ran it, at least until it got lonely, or too difficult or became apparent that to make money i also had to sell...

so work is great! my 10 year old nephew asked me if i loved my job last week and when i told him i did, he asked me why! and as i reflected on my reasons (which i'll share here), this job seems to tick many of the boxes that perhaps i didn't realise were important to me...(gotta love getting older, and wiser)...

so the things i love about this job are this:

location
my team
my boss
level at which i'm operating so i feel i have some autonomy
my peers
the job itself
the location
the industry
oh, and the regular pay

so...really, pretty much a winner!

bit like my tennis tonight - maybe having just gotten cranky at the dry cleaner's is good prep for tennis, coz i was good tonight, and i mean GOOD! took 6 points off my coach in a first to 7 hit out...not bad, even if i do say so myself...

the crap of the last year seems to have finally been worked through and nicely packaged in a box and put to the back of the wardrobe (metaphorically speaking)...i feel engaged in my job and in my life, i thoroughly enjoyed my first weekend at home in about 6 weeks, loving my friends, love the fam, enjoying my tennis, wondering when i can to New York next...

all good!

so on that note, bon soir xxx

ps thinking of my good friend daniel tonight, whose lovely girlfriend tina was killed in bali 9 years ago today...thinking of you dan...xx

vintage...

2011-10-06T13:56:00.002+11:00

so earlier today, the same good looking guy from work that told me i was a 'good sort' the other day, suggests that him and i are the 'same vintage'...i don't really hear the start of what he was saying but hear '....vintage, right?'

initially i thought he was telling me i was a good vintage, which might be another reference to me being a good sort, but i think he was subtly (or not!) trying to find out how old i am....

of course, i am not one to be scared off answering this question, so after a quick discussion, where he has said to me 'early thirties, late twenties?' (as if!) i tell him i'm 42...

he then tells me he's 38 which is funny, because no sooner did i leave the conversation and walk back to my desk, did i start remembering what 38 was like for me...

and all of a sudden i was taken back to a time in my life which was (maybe then, but maybe not now looking back with the benefit of hindsight) much better than now...

or was it?

and as i start on this line of thinking i realise i have confused 38 with 39, but for the sake of an interesting read we'll go with 39, as for the life of me i can't recall what happened in my 38th year...not in any detail anyway

so at 39, i'd had my birthday (another one solo), then a trip to Melbs to celebrate the 40th of a good friend, which was followed by a month of feeling v v lonely...then i met Ben and for the remainder of that year (my 40th year) it was a great year...one of love, being in love, sharing, intimacy, and the start of what i thought would be something quite permanent and special....

and then i turned 40, and the day itself was ok, but by then, the cracks in my relationship with Ben had already started to show...despite that i had a wonderful 40th birthday party surrounded by friends and family in Manly...my health declined, my stress levels increased, my grandfather had a stroke and passed away, and finally i told work that there was no role for me and that i wanted redundancy...

only to find that they agreed with me and let me go...out into the big wide world and even though Ben was still a big part of my life, i felt that i was doing this very much on my own...

the next few months went by in something of a blur as i grieved the loss of not only my beloved grandfather (who passed away on 9 April 2009...the very day I departed from corporate life) but also the loss of me, my identity and my meaning...

truly, an existential crisis started to unfold, and i can honestly say, that is has taken the better part of nearly 3 years to come out of that...

wow! what a roller coaster it's been - what a journey of self knowledge - i feel so proud of myself, to have had the courage to confront many of the demonds of my past, and the best part of it all, is that feeling i have of being, right now, truly happy and content with my lot in life...

not a bad place to end up on a thursday afternoon!

happy weekend ahead xx

finito....bar a fridge

2011-10-03T21:53:00.000+11:00

and i don't mean a bar fridge, despite my dad making that very suggestion this morning!

nope, i mean my beautiful little kitchen is finished...all that's left to do is to consider buying a new fridge

so cupboards are done, new oven is installed (amazingly, my old one broke mid renovations - do you reckon that's a sign?), blinds are on order and only a week or so away and now i really think the fridge must go...

so found myself looking at new fridges today - flat doored, stainless steel brand spanking new fridges! the one i like is $1,800 - doesn't seem like a lot of money for something that (based on my average) will last me over 15 years??

so, think a fridge purchase is imminent!

adios!

tea and blogging...

2011-10-03T21:35:00.000+11:00

yep, two of my favourite things...

just made myself a nice cuppa and am enjoying it as i do some posting - well overdue posting i might add!

so it occurred to me some time ago and i simply haven't had time to write a post about it that 'the past is best when it's in the past, and no longer in your present'...now, I have no idea if someone has said this before me but after months of struggling with the chaos and upheaval that chris caused in my life, i am finally feeling at peace with it all...i finally feel as though he is now a part of my past and not my present....

which is such a big reflief as now, some 11 months on since he turned up, i finally have my self back...i am no longer a slave to the thoughts and feelings that his re-appearance brought up...nope, all that has surfaced, i think, has been summarily dealt with and put to bed...as it were

and it's nice! more than that, it's freeing, it's liberating and downright empowering to know that i am finally in control of all of that - no longer will i be sucked into his manipulative games...

nope, finally my past with him is in the past and he is no longer a part of the daily fabric of my life...no wonder i've been so happy of late!

so back to tea and blogging - long may they both continue!

night
x

dreams...

2011-10-03T21:31:00.000+11:00

i mean actual dreams, not the ones i have for my future...

so interesting...the other night andrew apps turned up in my dream...he's a boy i had a crush on when i was 14, or 15 - so we are talking someone i haven't thought about for years! sure, i ran into him at the rugby union one time here in Sydney, and sure when I went to our 10 or 15 year reunion he was there, but other than that, it's been an AGE since he popped into my head...

could be coz i have been spending a fair bit of time in canberra, which of course is where we went to school together - wonder too if going down to tuggerangong vikings club may have subconsciously (or even, unconsciously) made me think of him?

even weirder than him turning up was that he turned up looking like him, but it was (i think) actually chris lloyd...

and in reality they are not connected at all - never met each other as far as i know, and unlikely to ever do so - of course they do both have rugby in common, but that's drawing a long long bow no?

hmmmm, not sure what to make of that one? it's even a bit out there for me and my dream analysis usually extends to some quite whacky ones, but i'm kinda stumped with this one...

what's even funnier is why they appeared together and it got me wondering as to when i may have 'connected' them?

don't think i have...

anyway, just saying, it was a weird dream that one!

mmmm G is back!

2011-09-28T21:50:00.000+10:00

yep, got home tonight and realised that i had taped NCIS LA so tonight I got to have dinner with G...yum! i do love that man (well, the character anyway)...

when did i get so busy? when did i get so busy that i hardly ever find time to update the blog? seriously? well, probably around the same time that i took this job...

this job...which is keeping me busy, and this job, that i LOVE! seriously, haven't loved a job for ages - combination of a coupla things makes it enjoyable and fulfilling...just so glad i decided to do it as it has certainly enriched my life, made me feel a part of something, re-established a routine, given me somewhere to go each day and allowed me to connected to a much bigger and more accessible network...all good!

mum has her 2nd surgery this coming friday and my fingers and toes are crossed that it a) goes without incident and b) means they have got all of the cancer and she can move on with her life...it's been a very stressful time and one i hope she, and we, don't have to go thru again...so universe, if you are listening...please...

and sadly, my friend Ossie died on my Daniel's 10th birthday - he was only 57 and so so so young to die...it's heartbreaking for Deb, it was disturbing to see him the way he was - a shadow of his former self...

forever in our hearts dear Ossie, may you now rest in peace...

it's funny to think that i used to find time almost every day, sometimes more than once a day, to write my blog, and now it seems that weeks go by in between posts...

guess that's a good thing! or is it?

ciao xx

and the bad news keeps on coming...

2011-09-19T20:06:00.000+10:00

at the moment...seriously, WTF?

so we were just starting to get back to normality (whatever that is...especially for our family) and mum finds out that there are rogue cells in the outer part of the lump they removed a coupla weeks ago - so she's going back in next friday so they can take out more tissue...

honestly, it's not bad bad news, it's just a hiccup and little hump in the road, but it's really set my dad back...

so hopefully this time they will get it all - gotta think positively - still nothing in lymph and only radiotherapy to come...

sadder news is my friend Ossie who is really not doing so well...he's been in hospital for weeks with liver/kidney and a variety of other issues and today has really taken a turn for the worse....i suspect, but sincerely hope i'm wrong, that he may not survive what is going on in his body...so universe if you are listening, please look over him and my Mum....

and please please please arrange for some good news...

thank you

xx

weird...

2011-09-13T21:00:00.000+10:00

how someone you haven't thought about for ages, suddenly pops up...in your mind that is...and in my case in my dreams, well one of them anyway...

disturbing...

disturbing and yet interesting, as historically, i have observed that i rarely (if ever) dream about someone whilst they are 'in' my life...men anyway, it only seems that they start to appear in my dreams when i am starting to feel 'over' (if i can use that word, which i don't really like) them...

sooo interesting it is, although the dream itself was a little disturbing, and not in a bad way, just that he was in my dreams and even though i have had so much going on (both at work and in my personal life) of late, it's amazing that my mind even has time to remember him, let alone have him turn up in my dream...

can't even remember exactly what the context was or what happened in the dream, but i do remember waking up disturbed that he was in it....and of course, the inevitable reminder of all that was and what he did etc etc

and the realisation that it's NEVER gonna go away...what he did is always going to be there and in many ways has (despite my best efforts) gotten in the way some how...

yep, he has gotten in the way of what i wanted for myself in one area of my life...

thankfully the other areas all seem relatively good and 'on track' so to speak..

so, it was weird to have him turn up in my dream, and somewhat unwelcome, so universe (or should i say mind!), please avoid having him appear in future dreams...

nite x

phew...

2011-09-11T21:39:00.002+10:00

is really all i can say! mum had a successful lumpectomy on tuesday - surgeon reckons they got it all, and confirmed there was no cancer in the lymph nodes...great news! big big sigh of relief...

mum recovering well, dad doing better now and it was so nice to be home for a few days...

back to reality now, although reality seems WAY better now we know mum will be ok...

grateful...x

the big c...

2011-08-30T22:43:00.000+10:00

until today was just the title of a tv show that i have really enjoyed...but sadly my Mum's trip to the doctor following an abnormal mammogram was not good news today...

turns out, and not for the first time, she has the big c...fuck

breast cancer this time...

not good, not what i was hoping for...

but she is strong and positive and i know she will fight this head on...

so universe if you are listening please help her fight this so we have many many more years with her yet

not fair really...really not fair at all

nite x

some people...

2011-08-23T21:40:00.000+10:00

really need to take a long hard look in the mirror...

so i have often said (about some) 'how do they hold down a job?' but it's a pretty fucking sad state of affairs when the person you find yourself saying it about is actually someone that works for you (i.e. me, in this case...)

and frankly, i'm between a rock and a hard place...have never shied away from managing poor performance, but in this case, it could go very very pear shaped and there is not only my own brand at my new job, but reputational risk to consider...

fuck! it really is unfair how hard it is to manage these things...and the choices really open to me aren't exactly good ones...

so, that's about all i wanna (and can) say on the matter....

imagine me rolling my eyes in disgust as i say 'some people'...

nite x

perfect day...

2011-08-20T23:38:00.000+10:00

yep, today has been just about a perfect day :-)

lazy morning, episode of law and order whilst enjoying a lazy brekky, first therapy session in nearly a month, lunch with best friend, followed by HOURS of shopping with best friend, then a quick cuppa at hers which turned into a cuppa, games with her and her boys, dinner, some more games and now just home...

mostly we played a game called articulate - loved it! must get it for future family games nights...and her younger son, who is usually pretty quiet, talked to me for hours tonight - about books, his english exam and how to do it, mbti...gold, pure gold

and shopping was good too! got a head start on the summer wardrobe with some skirts, tops, and even a dress! noice one...

and we didn't get our nails done which was the main reason for catching up - oh well!

i am so blessed to have such fabulous friends...blessed, really i am...

sooo now the perfect day is gonna end with a not so early night and another good day to follow...

nite
x

five weeks in...

2011-08-20T00:02:00.000+10:00

and mostly it's good...actually, mostly it's great but yesterday the bubble was burst...

sure, it was inevitable and i should have known it would come...but for those of you that know me, you know that i live in a bubble most of the time...

so yesterday it was burst and i didn't enjoy it - memories of why i left corporate life came rushing back and i found myself thinking 'shit, am i really cut out for this?'...and whilst i may not be, what i do know is this:

it's a great job
i'm bloody good at it
it doesn't have to be forever
and reality of the global economic status is that my little biz may not have survived and i would have found myself in a situation where i had to take a job for money (at least this one, i wanted to take)

sooooo after i realised that the bubble had burst and allowed myself to reflect on it all, i was up and at it again this morning and had a reasonably good day...

turns out there are some very good people in the team, and with one in particular i had a great chat to today...he and i share some very real concerns, but it's great to know i'm not alone....

soooo the long week came to an end and as i left just after 4pm (very early mark by my new standards) to get my hair done, i felt ok about where things all ended up...

hair done, eye brows done, dinner with primary school teacher who i haven't seen since 1975 (was great - so much to catch up and just lovely to see her), watched blues lose to hawks in what turned out to be a close one...and now the moment i have been waiting for all week - bedtime

i have come to really value my weekends since returning to full time work and friday night is almost my favourite night of the week...sooo i'm going to warm up the heat pack, make a cup of tea and crawl into bed knowing i don't have to get up...

yay for weekends...

nite x

and

2011-08-16T21:42:00.001+10:00

suddenly it doesn't feel so bad...

so having spent a couple of minutes during the day (that's all i had in an otherwise very busy and good day) thinking about my realisation of this morning, i reached out to my friend Nat for some moral support...

she got how i was feeling (angry, pissed off and annoyed that venting my anger at him is no longer an option) and we talked about it, and then i asked how she was...

well, we had a lengthy chat about what's going on for her and in lending support to her, i felt better suddenly, and reminded of who i am and what i stand for...

it's true - a problem shared is a problem halved...

she also provided an interesting perspective on it and suggested that most likely his way of trying to get me to contact him was to arrange these so called friends to unfriend me, knowing how i might react and lash out...

well, that was the old me, she definitely woulda done that, but not now...

sure, i'm angry (angry as hell actually), but i'm not going to fall into this little trap, and whilst it pains me to do nothing, the only way i can ever put this shit with him behind me and move on, and to regain my personal power is to do nothing...

so, nothing it is!

and suddenly, it doesn't seem so bad after all...

nite x

ps sending out hugs and love to my friend Ossie who had a biopsy today...hoping for good news, so universe if you are listening, please let him be ok...thank you

bastard...

2011-08-16T08:02:00.006+10:00

he's an absolute bastard....

so I notice someone we both know, someone I thought I was friends with has unfriended me and I am certain he's behind it

so fucking pissed off with him

and sure I unfriended him but seriously

pissed off, just sayin'

rant over...

bastard!

ps not sure why it bothers me so much, but it does, clearly it does...therapist is gonna be busy when i see her next :-(

jumbos are my favourite...

2011-08-13T20:46:00.000+10:00

yep, obscure title, possibly an obscure topic, but after 4 weeks in my new job (at the airport) i have decided that jumbos are my favourite plane...

i love the sound of the engine as it's starting the taxi/take off...i love the way they look...sure, some people love the more recently introduced 380 (and i absolutely do admire the feat of engineering that something so big can actually get off the ground), but i reckon the jumbo will always be my favourite...

as i find myself drawn to the window a number of times a day, i got to thinking the other day how nice it would be to be flying away on one...

and not because i'm not happy, or because i want (or need) to run away...but just because i love flying and i love travel...

so, might be about to time to start thinking about my next trip!

lonely...

2011-08-11T23:16:00.001+10:00

yep, lonely is how I feel right now...

it'll pass, it usually does

but right at this very moment that's how I feel

and even though I know it will be ok and even though (bar the flu my body finally seems to have succumbed to) I am happy, I'm lonely and wonder when it will be my turn...?

so universe....when will it be my turn?

the importance of being sarah...

2011-08-09T21:20:00.000+10:00

yep, you read it right! not the importance of being earnest, although that's relevant too...

so i just watched the season finale of Being Erica season 2...man that show always touches me in some way and i invariably end up feeling nostalgic and teary - and don't get me wrong coz i love it (bit like Eli Stone...)...

funny, i often think of how much i have changed when i watch it - how much work i have to done to get where i am today, how much that change drew a wedge between ben and me and occasionally, how much i miss him...

there was so much hope at the beginning of our relationship, of course there usually is at the beginning, or why else would we get together right? but it seems that as i grew and worked hard to 'be sarah' (not that i honestly knew who that was when we got together) i kind of hoped he would grow with me and support me, but nah, wasn't to be...

guess that's life really and whilst i do occasionally miss him terribly, i also know that we were just not right for each other....true, took me months to work it out, took me even more months to get up the courage to break it off, and even more months to heal, learn and move on from it...and yet i still hold a place in my heart for him and i'm good with that....

seems kinda crazy to spend 2 years of your life with someone and then not hold them dear in some way? don't you think?

but holding someone dear is different to holding onto them or worse, letting them hold onto you...or, as the case may have been, not holding onto your own dreams or who you are because of them...

sooo oscar wilde was definitely onto something with his book - actually not just this one, but probably all of them (haven't read them all of course)..

the importance of being sarah is what gets me through when i feel so lonely i could cry myself to sleep, when i wonder if things will ever work out quite how i'd like them to be, or when i feel a bit lost....

no matter what, i will always have me....

nite xx

scary....

2011-08-07T22:45:00.000+10:00

how the stupid behaviour of a teenage boy can still haunt me some 30 odd years later...

truth is i've been doing great in recent weeks...ditched him from FB, deleted him from my phone and honestly seem to have moved on...until i realise that his actions still impact me today...

mostly i'm good, really, but today i've waivered between nostalgic, sad, lonely and fine....

funny as i was telling Sal about how i feel that i have moved on from him, like he is now very much a part of my past and not my present, but what he did, and the impact that had, is stil, sometimes very much a part of my present...

so i'm wondering how to handle that...not thinking i should 'do' something necessarily, but don't really want it creeping up on me every now and again like it did today...

soooo scary it is...

frequency...

2011-08-05T22:01:00.000+10:00

of posting seems to have slowed almost to a complete halt! and not because i don't want to post, but simply that the new job (which i am loving) takes up so much time during the week that i literally come home, and if i'm not playing tennis (which i do twice a week), i eat dinner and fall into bed...

i don't think i have ever enjoyed the start of a new job so much...i can't remember being excited to go to work every day, nor getting up early almost every day (without resenting doing so)...

great decision i made to accept this fabulous role...not only because i love the job, but as i stand by and watch the world's economies commence what will be an inevitable decline into recession, i am very grateful to have a stable income...

i thoroughly enjoyed my break from corporate life, even though i worked my butt off (at times!)...i was ready to leave it all behind when i did, and when i started 3 weeks ago, i was ready to start afresh...

amazing what a coupla years off and a career change will do for ones motivation...

sooo the frequency of posting has declined, but only because i am tired, not because i am disinclined...and soon enough, it's bound to start up again!

happy weekend xx

good job i believe in karma...

2011-07-29T22:47:00.001+10:00

coz after the way some people have behaved this week and my role (meaning i can't tell them how i really feel about them) it's good to know that at some point, their behaviour will bite them in the bum...

it's been a tough week really....mostly good, but some low lights for sure...

first up is that i am LOVING my new job! it's enjoyable, interesting, great to have a desk and somewhere to go each day, and I get paid each month...

some of the teething issues relating to 'merging' two organisations and one of them a related entity of an organisation i have little or no personal or professional respect for, is taking it's toll...and finally at lunchtime today i cracked...needed fresh air, a good cry and coke...

i shouldn't be surprised at the behaviour of people - god knows i work in the field, but i am always disappointed by the behaviour of others at times, especially when i am the butt of their vindictive, childish and unprofessional behaviour...no more miss nice girl for this lot, nope down the line, factual non empathic me is all they are going to get and sadly, that's more than they deserve...

of course that will be yet another challenge for me but they don't deserve the best of me...nope, they don't...

day finished off with an amazing experience though and one i will always remember! so in my new job i get some priveleges and one of them was to sit adjacent to the main runway at Sydney Airport today as an A380 took off - simply awesome :-) and herein lies the main reason why I LOVE my new job....

the parentals arrive home tomorrow so i'll be heading out to my place of work on a weekend to welcome them home...then back to the dentist for some work on the out of control sensitivity that has been getting steadily worse, then, if i'm up for it, tea with MJB and dinner with the Lau's...

so, all in all, not a bad week but i suspect until early september, when a certain event takes place, things at work could continue to be a bit rocky...

what i need to remember is who i am and what i stand for...

oh and today marks my 20 year anniversary of working in the big smoke! wow, 20 years...not exactly where i thought i'd be when i started the journey, but pretty bloody happy how it's all turned out :-)

finally...

2011-07-24T18:01:00.001+10:00

did it!! deleted a certain someone from FB...not that we contact each other through it but I realized today that when I saw an update about him, just seeing his name made me feel sick....

sooo I thought it high time I unfriended him...amazing how much information our body gives us....when we listen!!

funny coz in recent weeks I haven't really thought about him a lot and I realized a few days ago that he really is in the past and that's where I think he should stay...just because he's here, in Sydney, doesn't seem so bad as it did to me when I initially found out...

had a fabulous first week at work...was proud of myself for how I handled two situations and really enjoyed being a part of something again...definitely the right decision to take this role :-)

also despite having planned to go to Mudgee for a friend's 50th, I really wasn't up for an 8 hour round trip (4 hours in pouring rain) after my first full time week in 27 months....so I gave myself permission not to go!! Yay me...of course would have liked to have been there but knew what I needed was a quiet weekend at home to regroup!!

have enjoyed the weekend, slept in, walked both days, did food shopping, chatted to friends, had cuppa with neighbour...watched Bullies win, enjoyed watching the Blues belt the Bombers, and enjoyed watching the replay of Cadel's great cycle overnight...

go for it Cadel, you deserve it, and your place in Le Tour record books...

that's all from me, for now anyway...xx

it's raining, it's pouring

2011-07-22T14:11:00.000+10:00

and has been since monday - i'm beginning to wonder if it's EVER going to stop! if i'm ever going to see the sun again...

it's been an interesting week - interesting good! long, tiring but exciting all the same and i'm beginning to slowly get back into the swing of working for someone else...which has its merits, let me tell you...

my momentary lapse of confidence has evaporated and a further conversation with my boss today where she told me that i was fantastic but sometimes a bit loose (in conversation - she's right, i can be!) has restored my confidence...

this is not dissimilar to something that happened with her and i before i accepted the role and i just need to a) not be so hard on myself and b) remember that a natural part of developing into a role is that i need to learn and she may, on occasion, point out those areas!!!

sooo all's well that end's well, of course it's by NO means ending...just the beginning really of a new and exciting chapter in my life :-)

now mr weather man, bring me some sunshine please!

lapse...

2011-07-21T22:40:00.001+10:00

of confidence

that's what I experienced today

didn't last too long, then again I am still thinking about it!!

hope it's passed by tomorrow...

flying...

2011-07-14T23:02:00.000+10:00

wow, over a week since i posted...so not only has the time been flying, but so have i!

treated myself to 4 days in Hong Kong for something of a break and shopping trip before i start on Monday - yep Monday is the big day....was really anxious a coupla weeks ago but now, just excited..

a bit sad today, or perhaps not sad but reminiscent...since my little business will be going on it's own holiday of sorts...at least for now

that said, i had a ball in HK, 4 suits, 1 jacket, 13 pairs shoes, 2 beautiful rings, a variety of other cool stuff, pressies for the fam and my girlfriends, dinner with my lovely friend Dan, dinner with an old uni mate Paul, who i hadn't seen in 21 years - so all in all, a fabulous treat to self! oh, and got upgraded to business class on the way home...yay :-)

tomorrow is officially my last day of being my own boss so am celebrating with some friends with a drink in town - should be fun!

otherwise, life is good...kitchen nearly complete (new oven now too as it decided to die mid renovations...perhaps a sign, so fridge is now looking like the next victim of the 'freshen up'...), have fabric samples for lounge/dining room blinds (just need to decide on which one i like), am about to order new furniture for lounge and sell the lovely Tessa sofas that have served me so well...

\soooo off to bed now...but am a happy camper despite still being a bit tired post trip, and excited too, coz Monday i have a brand new job, and one i am very excited about :-)

nite

ps happy bastille day to everyone...vive la france!

agitated...

2011-07-06T07:53:00.001+10:00

this morning :-( wonder what's going on??

maybe just tired, maybe just starting to work out how everything that needs doing will get done before I go to HK...

looking forward to the break and some warmer weather...shopping will help too!!

adios

tired and happy...

2011-07-05T22:01:00.000+10:00

which explains why i just haven't had a chance to post! i can't believe it's been 8 days...can't remember the last time posts were 8 days apart!

and i don't in fact have much to update...new job starts in under 2 weeks and i'm very much looking forward to it!

off to hong kong friday for a few days of R & R and shopping, and dinner with my good friend Dan - can't wait!

busy busy...but happy and feeling engaged in life!

had a lovely weekend with sam and the kids, went to MCG and enjoyed watching the Blues flog the Tigers...had a lovely afternoon with Leah today and now it's just work work work until i go...

oh, and finding time to get a pedicure coz it's 30+ in HK and i want to be able to wear open toed shoes!

ok, nite nite

xx

ps oh and i learned something new on the weekend! you can apparently write emails but have them sent at a time of your choosing - LOVIN' that feature!

ah....

2011-06-27T22:33:00.000+10:00

funny how we (and by we, i mean me!) can get so wrapped up in the negative thoughts and feelings, so much more so than the positives...

so today was a good day! i had a wee sleep in, did my walk in the beautiful crisp morning sun, did a coaching session, had lunch with a very good friend, did another coaching session, came home and veged...did a wee bit of prep for tomorrow, but mainly just hung out...

the morning coaching session was tough in a way as i knew i had to break my news at the end of the session - went ok...the afternoon coaching session was great, despite my nerves prior (coaching another coach is always more difficult for me)...but it went fabulously well and i got a lovely note of thanks...

the anxiety of the last few days seems to have passed somewhat (as things invariably do...) but i'm pleased that i was aware of it and trying to just sit with it, rather than needing to feel like i had to 'do' something to get it to pass...

what also happened today, in the middle of the 2nd session, was that i realised just how passionate i am about the job i'm about to go and do - and sure this might sound a bit odd, and sure i knew that i was (am) excited by the opportunity, but i didn't realise just how much until today and i had a couple of minutes of being in flow...

you know, the times when you completely lose yourself in what you are doing or describing...almost like an out of body experience, as if nobody else is there and you are so utterly engaged in the task at hand...bliss!

let's hope the excitement continues for many many months to come and that there are many moments of in flow...

nite x

anxious....

2011-06-26T17:31:00.000+10:00

yep, that's how i have felt the last few days...not sure what's going on...

actually, that's not entirely true, i am :-(

so i had a couple of interesting conversations last week which made me really think...one of them i think stems from a misunderstanding but in my usual way i seem to take all responsibility for how it's turned out...actually, i hadn't until the 2nd conversation happened...

so then, the 2nd conversation, this with a guy who won't be in the team going forward, and who frankly, i find pompous and obnoxious...he misinterpreted something i said on Friday, mainly because he interrupted me - thankfully i did get to set him straight on the call but it's stuck with me...sure he probably doesn't trust me, and honestly, that's unlikely to be anything to do with me, but as i do, i have taken it a bit to heart...

it and the fact that i'm tired (although back to old naturopath and hopefully his herbs will rectify my shot sleeping pattern...) and the adrenaline of the last few weeks is probably starting to wane (this is a good thing)...and quite possibly too i have PMT...

but i feel anxious, and afraid, and for the first time in a while (well, since the last time the post was titled anxious!) i feel very edgy...

and it's obvious that these 2 conversations have undermined my confidence because what was going through my head yesterday morning when i woke up was a whole lot of fear around my competence and what that means for my financial security...

shit, really? is it possible that i am so unstable that these 2 conversations have thrown me? or is something else going on? need to work that out...

interestingly, i rang a colleague friday night to tell her about conversation number 2 and she tells me that the person in question is obnoxious and that senior management don't like him...so of course that made me feel better, but still, the anxiety and fear around financial security remains...

funny how one or two small things can really get into my head...just goes to show how hard it is to combat this sort of stuff when you are tired and working on no reserves! what is sad i guess is just how little i sometimes think of myself...and how much responsibility i take for every situation (i'm getting better, i am, but still, it's hard to break the habits of a lifetime...) and how personally i take things (gonna have to find a way to manage that once i'm in this job...)

on a more positive note, i did a great relaxation/body scanning technique this morning...Sal (my therapist) recommended it to me and it was fabulous! very good way to get out of my head and into the body...glad it's on my iphone as i expect i'll be using it a lot!

otherwise a lovely and mainly quiet weekend...found new lounge room furniture, will order when i'm not feeling so anxious about money! had to buy a new oven and John (Leah's hubby) installed it today - well, bar the fact that the gas pipe hangs too low so will need a plumber to come and rectify that! oh and the Blues lost for the first time in AGES...:-( i much prefer it when they are winning!

au revoir

momentarily nostalgic...

2011-06-23T21:39:00.000+10:00

but it passed! wow, i am just so bloody busy these days which is good, and i'm happy too! the new job is now official and i no longer have to keep it all to myself...i'm beyond excited about the opportunity and what lies ahead and i've treated myself to a mini break in Hong Kong for some R & R and of course, shopping!

i am so busy that i have almost lost the time to do my usual introspection...fuck, did i actually type that? i did, and it's true...

i am so tired (doesn't help that i'm not sleeping well) and by this time most nights all i want to do is crawl into bed...the thought of reliving my day via the blog (which in previous months seems to have been par for the course) is no longer even remotely appealing...

of course, there will be times when i do, and that's fine...

so, now, it's bed and hopefully a good nights sleep!

bonsoir x

3 days...

2011-06-21T20:48:00.000+10:00

really? it's only been 3 days since i posted, seems like a week! or more...

sooooo much has happened, or maybe it's just that my lack of sleep makes it feel that way

seriously, my sleep pattern is fucked...i don't ever remember it being so bad...i have the 2nd new pillow (turns out first one wasn't manufactured properly!), and i don't love it...sure, it helps the neck but it doesn't make going to bed a pleasant experience...

then there's the 'ticky ticky' head to quote my friend Kirst...that's kinda been ongoing but i hope will settle down now my new job is official and announced...

so, let's hope the next 3 days goes by with a bit more sleep and a bit less 'stuff' packed in!

nite x

annoyed...

2011-06-18T00:43:00.000+10:00

and drunk, but mainly annoyed....see in my drunken state I had to abandon my car and catch a cab home...which you wouldn't think would be so bad...

right?

but it wasn't good...idiot driver who had no ID card, couldn't keep to the lane he was in, was furiously throwing down red bull but mostly I just observed how uncomfortable I was...like I was on high alert...ready to go into battle...

and then it hit me...because of what Chris did, and my lack of trust in men I don't know (which in itself is weird coz I knew him??) I can't even get a bloody cab without being reminded of it...

fucking nightmare...

anyway, home safe, drunk and Berdie is safe in a garage in Milson's Point!!

guess my walk tomorrow will be to Milson's Point!!!

nite

is going to hong kong...

2011-06-15T22:26:00.000+10:00

yay! so finally, after a 3.5 month wait, i got my official letter of offer today...will read, sign, send back and i start my new job on 18th july...

so decided (spur of the moment like) that i'm going to hong kong! yep, done some research tonight on flight and hotel prices and reckon i can get up there without too much damage - of course, once i'm there, there will undoubtedly be LOTS of damage, but you get that...

yippee...hong kong here i come!

more later

nite xx

ps go new south wales! great win, jamie soward great pass - so glad you waited your time to make your origin debut - i love having you in the team :-)

seemed

2011-06-13T20:46:00.000+10:00

so important a few days ago...to cut someone off, to unfriend them...

but a few days on doesn't seem quite so important after all

the hold on me is gone...not forgotten but gone!! yay...freedom

more to follow when I am not so knackered!

nite

seems in this case...

2011-06-09T21:50:00.000+10:00

i am good at grey...usually, or historically, i have been reasonably black and white in my thinking about certain things - it's either one way, or the other, but today i decided to go with the flow and i think it may have been a valuable lesson...

soo after yesterday's posts (epiphany and bugged) of course i had to decide if i would communicate with him...we had a few texts, he called this morning and i told him i wasn't sure i wanted ongoing communication with him...

amazingly i think he gets it and he was (first time ever) not inappropriate in any way...asked about the job, congratulated me, showed genuine interest in understanding what i'd be doing etc etc...

and it struck me this afternoon sometime, that it may (and i say may because i am not decided yet) be ok to consider a friendship with him...as long as i don't think of it as anything else...

so, being able to separate the previously held fantasy (which as i said isn't dead but is certainly dying and has definitely no longer got a hold over me) from the current reality, might make it feasible to be friends...

i'm not sure how i feel about that and so i'm just sitting with it...staying grey, as it were...

hmmmm, but of course, that means, for now at least, there will be no unfriending on FB or otherwise!

ps i still think his timing is uncanny, but perhaps i'm creating that cosmic energy that makes him make contact when i'm trying to cut it off...??

is it possible i've been bugged?

2011-06-08T20:13:00.000+10:00

really, is it? that's the only plausible explanation for what happened today...

so as you know i have struggled with eradicating a certain someone from my life...the last few weeks i have felt as though i have done it and pretty well...sure the odd lapse back into fantasy land has punctuated and otherwise chris free few weeks....

so today (refer previous post on my epiphany) i finally feel ready to cut all contact...the realisation was a big one and as i walked (in the freezing cold) from therapist to train station i started to feel really good about it all...and even contemplated the 'unfriending' whilst on train (couldn't go thru with it, alas, but it will come)...

so imagine my surprise when i'm in a meeting and i see his number flash up...and then i realise it's not a text, he's actually calling me...

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

so i don't answer (obviously) but it throws me...talking about him and it earlier and then to see his number, it really does throw me and noticing he hasn't left a vm i find myself sending a text asking if he called me...he says he tried, i tell him i'm in meetings all afternoon, and he says did you take that job?

weird...not only a weird conversation - no doubt he's calling because i didn't respond to his text of saturday night but also i wonder if it's possible that in some cosmic way, he could know about my earlier realisation - is it possible in some bizarre and completely 'out there' (i know i know you think i'm insane) way, is it possible the universe wants us to have something of an ongoing relationship?

this can't be possible...can it?

so my only other thought is that he has me bugged and so just when i'm getting ready to leave him and our history behind, he makes contact...

bloody nightmare! whether it's the universe, the cosmos or a bug i don't care...but it's making it hard...not hard enough that i won't eventually prevail (no way) but hard...and confusing...

hmmmm

epiphany

2011-06-08T13:59:00.000+10:00

mmm so today's therapy was great, usually is!

in the midst of talking about my willpower, and my superior negotiating skills and the inevitable flow on conversations that lead to...I had a big realization....

see the 13 year old girl inside believed that staying in touch with Chris might in some way negate what happened and that by being in touch I might eventually feel that him and I were on a level playing field...that I might regain some of my power

but no, seems I finally realized that NO matter what, that can never be..that particular ending just isn't possible...

and you know what? I am sad but I am also relieved...

wow, maybe I needed to have this realization, this epiphany so that ultimately ceasing all contact with him will seem like the right thing to do??

it's been an amazing few days...wonder what's next??

until next time...

distracted since...

2011-06-05T21:43:00.000+10:00

that text came in...

not distracted enough to reply or start writing the reply in my head...actually, ended up deleting it! i didn't want to be reminded of it every time i read texts from other people so figured it was the best way...and not like it said anything meaningful...how are you i've been too busy to call how are the eyes can you see?

so really what is there to say to that? of course, maybe quite a bit if it was a real friend...but he's not...

actually, it's pretty sad that i even let myself entertain the idea that we could be friends, although i know why i did this, and worse, that i entertained having an affair with him...admittedly i was bored, and in need of some good sex, and he's hot (well i think he's hot...physically only)...

i reflect on the last 6 months and realise just how much i have learnt! about myself, about relationships, about how enormously impactful the actions of a 13 year old boy can be on a 13 year old girl, even 30 odd years later...sad sad sad

anyway, i'm not actually sad today, just a little bit distracted...

of course, i have now changed my walking routine so that i don't have to go past the building with the name on it that reminds me of him (sadly there are 2 of these and so, only 1 can be cut out of my routine for the time being until i identify another option) but today i found myself thinking about him a fair bit...

and what was i thinking about? well, i can't remember the specifics to be honest, but it wasn't with the same 'pull' as was there previously...sure, a part of me thought if i ignore him for long enough he'll turn up to see if i'm alive, but who am i kidding? he's a narcissist and so if he doesn't get what he wants, he'll just find someone else who can give it to him...

i would be lying too if thinking about him didn't bring up the old 'fantasy'...yeah, you know, the one where he and i end up together (what utter bollocks that is...really...must have been delusional when i came up with that one!)

silly me!

so, i'm going to go to bed now, after a lovely day with friends, a gorgeous walk in the winter sun and watching my Blue boys give it to Port (eventually!) and i'm going to take Jasper Jones with me, that way i can be distracted in an entirely different way!

nite x

fuck....

2011-06-04T18:44:00.000+10:00

really, that's all i can say...

so following my evening with my lovely friend Annie last night, where i recounted the story with you know who....basically we were lamenting the fact that it had been 5 months since we have caught up (really, can time go that quickly?), i was feeling really good...

i am still feeling good, and i had the loveliest day! i enjoyed my walk in the sun and went a way i hadn't previously been and stumbled across a park that i didn't even know existed....and i have lived here over 7 years! oops...

as i was making my way home though i realised how happy i was, and how grateful for where i live, where my life is at right now...you know those moments where you wouldn't change a thing? yep, well i had one of those...even after the bizarre dream where you know who had sent me a text...even after spending a bit of time last night thinking about him...

and now, just as i'm about to sit down and do some work, a text comes in.....from him!

and it's funny because i'm not surprised to see his number, but i don't know what to do...

reply or ignore?

and of course i am left wondering 2 things:

firstly, should i have SHUT the door entirely? and secondly, why is it that the very minute i feel happy, he seems to re-appear? it's as if he knows, as if he has some inside knowledge??

sooo, i'm thinking for now, at least, i'm just going to ignore it...wonder how long i'll be able to do that???

on another note, feeling very very good about the other 'conversation' i need to have...i finally feel as though my capable 42 year old is ready to go into bat on my behalf, and not the 5 year old child who feels the need to prove herself! yay...now let's see where that ends up :-)

nite....dinner, footy and possibly tennis watching for me tonight xx

dreaming...

2011-06-04T09:35:00.001+10:00

i had a very strange dream just before I woke up this morning...actually, not entirely true as I had woken up hours earlier so it was one of those dreams, you know, those vivid whacky ones you have when you go back to sleep?

and even though I say it's strange, it's not...

so in the dream Chris had sent me a long long text...that is strange as he tended towards brevity!

and I guess the last few weeks as I have adjusted to no contact with him I've found myself thinking about him less and less, but Facebook, and the fact that we are fb friends, means it's difficult not to be reminded of him...perhaps too frequently!

I am tossing up whether to unfriend him and some part of me thinks that's too final and wondering what that would mean....but then is removing him from a list on a website he hardly ever uses really anything??

so, the dream, of course I didn't get to
read the text before I woke up...

how bloody annoying....wonder what it would have said??

alsonot that strange that he featured in my dream last night...I had dinner with a girlfriend who I hadn't seen since my birthday and so we had a lot to catch up on...sadly in retelling her my last 5 months, I realize just how much time and energy he cost me and how much emotional upheaval he caused :-(

but, no more!!

still, I'm wondering what the text message said...!

getting closer

2011-06-03T00:38:00.001+10:00

to an outcome...

the 'dreaded' conversation about salary was today...

went as expected which equates to the offer did not meet my expectations!!

quite a long way short which sent me into a spin...

then had a great therapy session and a great chat with colleague...both convinced me to hold out for what I believe I am worth!

soooo here we go!!

nite x

seems my life...

2011-05-31T21:38:00.001+10:00

has taken on a much quieter, less dramatic pace since i decided to move on from you know who...Chris that would be for those readers who may have been following the story...

yep it's now been weeks since we had any contact, and honestly, it's good...sure it was hard initially and i thought i missed him...not sure what it was exactly that i missed...perhaps the idea of who i wanted him to be, perhaps the attention (i'd be lying if i said i didn't like the attention...)...not sure really, but seems that even though i may have missed him i am now just starting to get my groove back

i feel good! i feel happy...i am enjoying my life, i am NOT enjoying the weather (but that has nothing to do with him!)...

it's still hard sometimes when i find myself remembering what he did when i walk past a certain building, it's getting easier to go past the Mater and not think of him...

sooo i'm not sure i'll ever forget him, not even sure i'd want to...but i am feeling good! happy! content and even starting to feel much more positive about the future...

was a tough six months, but it had to happen...he had to turn up, i had to deal with some stuff, i had to relive and play out my childhood fantasy and ultimately i had to see him for what he is and what he can't be...

all good :-)

so universe, even though at times i was struggling and wondering why on earth you let him find me, i am grateful for where i am right now, right this minute, on a tuesday night with the rain pouring (yep, it's just started up again), about to crawl into my lovely bed, in my beautiful little home, in a city i love, in a country i call home...

yep, it's all good from where i sit...thank you!

the wait might soon be over...

2011-05-31T21:33:00.000+10:00

yep, it's true! the wait (for the formal job offer) may soon be over...and by soon, i mean, a coupla weeks - which of course is not exactly soon, but as with all terms, they can be relative!

since the job was verbally offered to me back in March, a coupla weeks is definitely 'sooner' than not...

so, it'll be nice when it's all official - of course then i have to go thru the process of advising my clients and a couple of administrative things but still...

i'm looking forward to starting, to being part of something again, to having a purpose every day (and of course, right now i still HAVE a purpose, but on the days when i'm not that busy or not doing what i want to be doing, it doesn't feel like it)...

and sure, it's gonna be busy, it's gonna take up a lot of time...but ultimately, it's going to give me the financial stability and security that the biz just doesn't...it's gonna help me to feel connected to the world and to the people in it, as opposed to the isolation i feel quite often now...

can't wait!

750...

2011-05-30T22:07:00.000+10:00

wow, so this is my 750th post...

i'm sure most of them have been utter crap, but at least in years to come i will have a record of what was going on in my life...

and today has been a good day, mostly...

woke up late (gave myself permission to have a long sleep in as i have woken up with a headache the last 2 days)...got tea, went back to bed and basically slept until nearly 10am - luxury! got up, did a phone call, walked for 40 minutes whilst watching replay of Carlton beat St Kilda and listening to music - i think that absolutely qualified for multi tasking! then had lunch, did some washing, and finally called the ATO (having had at least 5 failed attempts in the last 6 days)...finally got through and after just over 2 hours the whole reason for calling them was sorted...

man was i relieved! i have been meaning to call them for months, yes over 3...so imagine my relief that it is now done, and funnily enough, in a little over 4 weeks, i doubt it will even be relevant, but it's done, i can't get in trouble and i won't be liable for GST i didn't charge...

what a fucking nightmare - honestly! it took over a day of my personal time to get it sorted and really, it's all going to be for nothing...

sigh

so the afternoon kinda took care of itself, then did some domestic stuff, chatted to a good friend, spoke to client/new boss, did a bit of work and then watched 2 of my all time fave tv shows...

now it's just after 10pm and i'm ready for bed! a quietish day again tomorrow but includes coffee with another coach, visit from curtain lady (looking to do something new in lounge, dining room and kitchen) and 1 work meeting...

funny, i wanted the 750th post to be something of a milestone and it is in terms of it is number 750...but honestly i don't have anything of note to write - no fabulous content that i'll look back on and go 'wow, great post for a big milestone'...nope! just life

and right now, life is pretty good

nite xx

ps only question really is 'to unfriend or not?'

writing...

2011-05-29T21:54:00.000+10:00

so i had a writing course today - in the last 3 months it's the 9th one i've been to...it was good! i go to these things with a coupla things in mind...obviously, to get some tips about writing and in particular how on earth to find a way to get this novel to hang together...turns out i may have some blockage due to writing a) in the first person and b) having a lot of myself in the main character...so gonna do some thinking about that...second thing is to meet other writers, although, on the whole, today's bunch were not my sort of people...of course, i would be lying if i said i didn't hope to meet some nice men at these things but it seems, largely, that writing courses are filled with middle aged women...

oh fuck! does that make me a middle aged woman? i guess in definitional terms i probably am...i'm 42 which given an average life span of...what is the average life span these days? probably means if i'm not middle aged, then i'm fast approaching it...

sigh

so, no men to speak of, no people i particularly want to keep in touch with but some fabulous and practical tips! actually, great teacher - Emily Maguire - turns out she's something of a feminist and has at least 4 published works - wow!

but it was a tough day - i woke up yesterday with a headache and felt a bit sick/dizzy, didn't feel much better when i woke up today so literally had to drag myself out of bed and over to Rozelle...managed to stick it out, and despite having good intentions to walk when i got home i was simply too tired...

even though it's now 9.51pm, i was ready for bed at 7.35pm...and of course being tired and thinking or navel gazing as perhaps it can be accurately described, don't actually make a great combination for me...

i had a sudden thought as i was watching the tennis and eating yet another piece of chocolate (really gotta kick the habit for chocolate and/or biscuits...especially once i am in full time employ was walking every day will no longer be possible)...what if i NEVER meet anyone and have a long term relationship...is that going to mean my life will have been a failure?

(note to everyone else: if you fall into that category, i don't think you are a failure, but this is something i seem to measure myself by)...

soooo best i go to bed before the navel gazing becomes even more deep and meaningful and i find myself depressed at my own assessment of where things are at!

nite x

ps next one is 750!

750 approaches...

2011-05-25T22:11:00.000+10:00

wow! in 2 more posts i'll hit 750 - that's a lot of blogging!

i do love the blog though...it's a great way for me to keep a track of what has been happening in my life, especially as it is now backed up, albeit manually - if anyone knows how to do it automatically i'd be glad for the info...

not only a great way to keep track, but a great way for me to sift through my sometimes overwhelming thoughts and emotions...often i find i feel much better at the end of a post, when i have had a chance to think about stuff than i do at the beginning of a post! who would have thought it could be so therapeutic? well me for one, since i have always found writing to be that way :-)

ok well it's fast approaching my bed time so adios x