tomorrow, the 'date' is

tomorrow! a part of me is quite calm...but mostly i'm excited and nervous, and excited, and nervous, and excited....eek! 

i really am! i think this might actually be a real date! 

so as i sit here with only candles for light (it's earth hour after all), i just cannot concentrate....i had good intentions of attempting to write the reunite scene with Paul (my protagonist's brother), but i just cannot focus...

can't! i wonder what sort of a state i'm going to be in come 2pm tomorrow when he comes to pick me up....

fuck only knows! 

of course i'll probably be excited and sad....the morning is not gonna be good: i'm going to Kirst's to say goodbye to her and the fam...:( 

i reckon i'll be in some sort of a state after that, so it's quite possibly good that i'll have the distraction of one FC to look forward to :-) 

and i AM looking forward to seeing him, to spending some time with him, getting to know him better, letting him get to know me a bit better, having him pick me up (now that's just nice!)....

i am doing my level headed best not to dream up too many scenarios...yes yes i know, it's hard not to, especially as the best things DO seem to happen in my head! maybe this will be different? maybe the best things with this one will not happen in my head, but will happen between us?

sooo one more sleep! and let's hope i do sleep, as i want to be looking my absolute best...

think i've worked out what i'm wearing, but given my penchant for changing my mind at least 20 times at the last minute, i suspect that whatever i think i'm wearing now will not be what i end up wearing! 

ok, now i think it's bed time....

nite peeps

xx

ps there is WAY more to him than meets the eye, i like that!

awake, and somewhat

pre-occupied!

only one more sleep...excited is an understatement...so many competing emotions!!

give me a sign...

is one of my favourite Breaking Benjamin songs....

so imagine my surprise when i listened to it tonight on the way home, and i felt that i had actually been given a sign, by one FC...

yep, so the guy at work, the one who has been the subject of a handful of posts (ok, ok, so maybe more than a handful!), offered to come collect me for our Sunday drinking session...

so to me, now, it's definitely a date! and you know what? i feel soooo very different since it happened - in a good way! i feel that i am more certain about how he might feel about me, and i really like that...it's taken some of the ambiguity and uncertainty out of the whole thing, and honestly, even though some people love that stage of 'getting to know someone' i really struggle with it as it leaves way too much room for my insecurities to creep in and for my usually rational functioning brain to go to the worst case...

maybe there's a bit of ISTJ in me after all! 

that said, of course it has meant my level of excitement and anticipation about sunday has just about gone to a completely uncontrollable level....

so, bring on sunday and a 'new way of being in relationship' for me...

yay!

confused, waivering...

not really sure how I feel

or am I sure I am intrigued and just saying I'm not in case he makes no further mention of Sunday drinks??

yep, that is probably more like it

but I'm wondering if something has shifted? for him? for me?

of course I have NO idea what his starting position is so how could I speculate about it shifting!

yep, confused...

on a positive note, Blues had a great 44 point win over the Tiges...yeah!

unsure...

pretty sure there is some sort of attraction there, but I saw that rude side of him again today…don’t like it, gotta be honest, I really don’t and it has me questioning the subsequent events…of course i can't even remember when i saw it or what it was, but i remember the feeling!

or was it rude? maybe it was just awkward? busy? focused (I’m guessing he’s task oriented so as a people oriented person I’m finding his task side rude?)

dunno really, but I am wondering now whether meeting him for a drink Sunday is a good idea

so of course all that aside, after many conversations today, and a lengthy conversation with a colleague (which kept me at work until 7.22pm) followed by a ‘can we see you for a minute’ on the way out (which was another 20 minutes), when I finally left, I actually felt like a drink

so I succumbed! not to a drink with him, but to texting him telling him I wished it was Sunday already as I really needed a drink…

hmmm, pretty sure I shouldn’t have done that! Well, maybe not ‘shouldn’t’ so much as, why did i?

what did I hope to gain?

truthfully, I know EXACTLY what I hoped to gain…that he would respond with ‘well come join us’….

but no, instead there’s been no response! i’m not even surprised…he has been known to do this, we even talked about it the other night and he told me that he couldn’t tell me why he does it (mental note to self: if the Sunday drinking session actually takes place be sure to bring this up)

so normally in this situation I would be really annoyed with myself and feeling as though I’d given some power away, and sure, maybe I have, but I’m determined to do at least 2 things differently here…

firstly, try not to play games (I hate games other than the sporting or board game variety) and secondly, be aware of what I’m doing and my thoughts/feelings…

so, tick! i felt like saying I wished it was Sunday and I did, and I’m aware that I felt this need to connect with him…which I cannot explain!

date?

mmmm I wonder...so it seems as though there will be a drinking session this weekend after all...

who'd have thought someone who can be as blunt as he can be, even rude at times, would need a bit of dutch courage to say what he wants to say?

too funny....that aside, bring on Sunday :)

chicken...

yep, i think he's chicken! so today we had a number of meetings together and in the 1:1 meeting, after we'd talked about a whole stack of work stuff, i suggested he could tell me 'what our competing priorities were'....

but noooo, he wouldn't! claimed he couldn't remember...ha! as if..

methinks he needs some dutch courage for that conversation....

still, i'm intrigued! we had a good meeting today, i seemed to 'come into my own' - perhaps it was because i was soooo sick that my filter has gone...

still, i like him, i'd like to get to know him better...and as i was asking him to step into someone else's shoes, i considered the whole 'awkwardness thing' from his perspective: maybe, just maybe, he really likes me and has no idea what to do? is too afraid to make a move?

possible? dunno, but it's a thought and it's the start of a new pattern maybe, so that's good right?

ok, bed now so that hopefully i feel more like 43 and less like 100 years old tomorrow - bye bye head cold!

so i was asked an interesting

question today: and it's one i have asked myself (although, admittedly without this level of self awareness), and i suspect it's one that my therapist has asked me before....

'so if he doesn't like you, what would that mean?'

and therein lies a HUGE part of the problem, of my belief system....because you know what, and this will sound crazy, and not like an educated, intelligent successful 43 year old....it means everything

and it all stems back (i think) to the thing with Chris and what he did - and ever since then i think i've been trying to get him (someone - perhaps I see all men as a substitute for him?) to love me...coz then, what he did would be ok? right?

no, of course it wouldn't, but my 13 year old hurt little girl shadow, believes this on some level...a level so deep that i'm sure THIS is the very thing, the belief that drives me crazy in these situations...that makes me want to know right now

kinda good to be aware of this....of course being aware, and being able to change a lifetime of behavioural patterns overnight, well they are different things!

so it would seem that after what happened with Chris, i've been searching for something, something that would make it ok, and that probably started with wanting him to love me, and subsequently, became buried and then it's been something i've projected onto other men, mainly the unsuitable ones....yep, makes a lot of sense in the cold hard light of day...

so question is really: WHAT does it mean if he doesn't like me? well i know what i think it means, but now i think it's time to challenge that belief about myself.....

it possibly doesn't have anything to do with me, even if he doesn't? right? even as i type that i can't say i'm convinced, but perhaps it's worth me considering that as a possibility...what if i don't really like him? what if, we have our 'get drunk together' to 'sort out our shit and discuss the competing requirements' evening (for the record, i have NO idea what he means by that) and i don't like him? what if i revert back to my view (or was it a judgment?) that he's rude and arrogant?

what if? so many questions.....

can you imagine how tiring it is to be in my head right now? yep, it's exhausting - no other word for it....

the constant wondering, the inability to sleep without having somewhat disturbing dreams, there are times when i actually feel as though i'm losing it....dismantled, yes, that seems a good description...

so the dreams! they’ve been coming thick and fast this week - last night's was probably the worst...myself, and another colleague from work are in a meeting, and I get a stack of very sexual texts from FC, and the other colleague asks me if i'm dating FC....eek! i'm sure i woke up in a cold sweat....then the other one where my staff member asks me if i'm seeing FC and I say nothing and she just looks at me and says 'you need to stop it' (that could be a reference to The Good Wife, and that's what Dianne said to Will in the last episode)....and then there's the dream where i am in a meeting with FC and he puts his hand on my thigh...

it's official, i am losing it! i just can't get him out of my mind....

but the question remains as one that I'd like to find a new answer for!

au revoir...

french film festival...until next year! je t'aime....bravo! 

perhaps i should also be saying au revoir to the idea of something with a certain someone? not sure...

i think too much stuff from my past is present right now and having the space to work through that, without distraction, seems a good idea...on the other hand, perhaps the distraction is a good way to heal the past? and without the 'distraction' of one FC, i'm certain some of the 'chris' stuff would not have resurfaced...

and even though it's difficult right now, and i'm distracted, and angry, and sad, i think it's obviously time for me to confront it...by it, i refer mainly to the dysfunctional patterns i have around intimacy and relationships with men...

yep, seems that perhaps this is in the way...

so, the 'getting drunk together' session is definitely not happening next weekend, maybe that's good? i really really need to get some focus back into my work - there are at least 2 big projects/initiatives that i want to roll out before June and they are going to be rather consuming...

that and finishing the novel and attending a, wait for it, editing group...gasp! OMG what was i thinking when i enrolled for that? i'm going to have to give my work to others, not just friends, and readers, but other writers...eek!

so as i wind down and hope for a good nights sleep (they have been sorely lacking of late), i am going to try and focus on the patterns of my past, so that i am very very clear what they are...that way, if they even look like making an appearance, i can cut them off at the pass!

fingers crossed...

patterns...

it's a funny word really....but when it all comes down to it, it's the patterns that we aren't aware of, that can get in the way...

the dictionary sheds no light which will help in this regard - perhaps the DSM IV or equivalent psychological manual would help, but i know what i mean...

and my vulnerability of earlier (yes, where i admitted i thought things were awkward between me and this man)...yep, that might just be the start of a new pattern...

right now, i'm liking it!

that's all...

nite

xx

funny sometimes how...

things work out! so i vowed i wasn't going to spend the 3rd friday night in a row texting/chatting to the guy from work...yeah, that went well! not....

yes, yes, the one i think i have a crush on...

and i say think, because after today maybe i do? he let me see more of him today and i guess i like what i saw, which is not what he usually shows...

he admitted to having a work persona and a personal persona - i just figured he was rude and arrogant all the time...perhaps i was wrong...

he told me he thought i was really good at my job and could make a difference...of course the cynical side of me wonders if he's playing me, or telling me what he thinks i want to hear so he can get something out of it...nah, pretty sure that's not it

i have sensed 'something' between us for a while, and the old me, the me who's so afraid of being rejected, usually says nothing, builds up a fantasy in her head, which ultimately projects these HUGE expectations onto this other person, and then everything goes to shit...

so today, in a moment of complete and utter grown up ness (is that a phrase?) i ask him if something else is going on? that i've noticed some awkwardness between us...he responds with 'inevitable surely'...

kind of threw me a bit...so of course he's noticed it - and that's because it's real! it's not all in my head...but it is a problem

coz if there IS something there, then i'm certain the right thing to do is not to coach him...at least formally anyway...

mmm ethical dilemma brewing!  

but one thing is for sure...after today where he made an effort, as if something had clicked? when usually it's me...there is definitely a side to him i hadn't expected...surprising, funny, perhaps even sweet once that veneer is pulled down...fuck! didn't see that coming...

and now, in order to discuss the fact that we don't seem to understand each other (of course we don't, other than a 40 minute call in amongst all this, most of our 'conversation' was via text) he has suggested i find a free evening so we can go and get drunk together...

dangerous, surely, it's dangerous right? there's only one way it's gonna end....drinks, chatter, too much to drink, one of us kisses the other and.....

shit, really? am i ready for that? with him? with someone i work with? aarrgghh

a low point...

yep, that's what today has been and yes i'm sick, yes i've spent most of the day sleeping and yes i'm struggling with the enormity of the chris stuff that has made an unwelcome re-appearance, but i wasn't expecting to feel so bad...

it's WAY beyond the mean reds, or is it? maybe that's what i should do...pull Audrey out of the cupboard and get my Breakfast at Tiffany's fix...that movie, and watching her, always makes me feel better...even though it's a bloody sad story...

watched Brokeback Mountain today for the first time ever - truly beautiful movie...so very very sad...

so i'm kinda sad, definitely sick, a bit distracted and glad tomorrow is friday, so there is (if i make it to work tomorrow) only one day to get through before a weekend

thankfully i saw fit to book in a session with Sal this weekend - ordinarily i don't go weekly (well, i haven't for a while), but the realisations of last week are playing on my mind and i'm feeling very fragile...so i'm looking forward to getting some support from her...

and with that support, i hope comes a bit more clarity, way more self control and the ability to hear and listen to my lovely little 13 year old shadow, who is so broken...but i think, if she's heard, she's gonna start to get better...

let's hope i'm right!

in check....

yes, I think I am starting to manage to keep that shadow in check...that way she doesn't do things that I (not her) will later regret...slowly, slowly

it's not easy though and as well as a LOT of energy, and awareness it calls for a stack of restraint...but I think it will be worth it

it'll get easier....it will, right?

and it'll be worth it...that's my hope anyway!

that, and hoping this hideous headache goes away...

heavy hearted....

is how i have felt today...

hasn't helped that i think my body is also fighting the flu

i feel heavy hearted, ripped off, sad, angry, as if so much has been taken from me, and tired, tired of having to keep this secret...

yep, i'm over it! it's true...and so once again, the long journey of trying to 'integrate' (let's go with that instead of get over, or move on, or whichever other expressions seem to be the norm) it all...

kinda sad, that today, for the first time in a long long long time, i realised that i am unlikely to have kids now, and mostly i'm ok with that, but today, i really wasn't

and i feel like Chris has stolen that from me...kids, a happy and normal relationship, marriage, ability to trust etc etc

bastard...

yep, so because of that, i feel heavy of heart today, and honestly, wishing things might have turned out differently...

9354...

is apparently the number of times my blog has been viewed, since it started! kind of blows me away...

and sure, there are a small handful of friends who look at it, but they can't make up the entirety of that number

and sure, i occasionally read back over stuff...it's my journal after all

but still?

that's a lot right?

i'm pretty sure it's not usual...

for a colleague to touch your hand (and leave it there) in a meeting...

so guy at work, one i think i like, no, one my shadow likes and i had a meeting today....and in the midst of this meeting i showed him a spreadsheet but had to cover up some part of it and he tried to do the same and his fingers were touching mine - and neither of us moved!

weird...i didn't flinch and i didn't feel inclined to move my hand...i looked him in the eye, and no doubt, he sensed me getting a bit hot under the collar!

f...u...c...k

it was bizarre....who does that? i mean really? who does that?

and, i caught him checking me out when i came into the room

that said, i can't really read him at all, and not sure if i should....so yesterday, after he'd responded to none of my emails and i figured that our 'conversation' friday was terminal, he apologises saying he's been busy...

but then (like someone else i know) he disappears in the middle of what i think is a conversation....

and there's another pattern

shit! shit! 

oh well, there you have it....

so it's true...

my shadow really does fancy the bloke at work...

no point in denying it any longer...

i am, however, trying to work out why she likes him and/or what it is about him that she likes...

for a start, and there's some way to go, to truly understand it, she likes that he's 'forbidden'...

it's a start...when i work out the rest, i'll be sure to share it...

in the meantime, it's difficult to keep her in check...

but, hey, awareness is key and i have that in spades!

wish me luck!

do you know?

do you know what it's like to live with what you did to me? that's what i want to say to him

i'm angry all over again...the last few days and my 'shadow' taking over have really highlighted how much there is still to do...

fuck! i'm angry with him

i have this overwhelming desire to go to his house, knock on the door, and when he answers (of course, his wife or one of his boys could answer, but this is my fantasy, so he answers...ok!) yell at him 'do you know? do you? do you know what it's like to live with what you did? do you have any idea at all?'

of course it won't achieve anything, but in some way i feel as though it would...

it wouldn't but hey?

too nice....

yep, i've been too bloody nice and now i'm paying for it...

i really do not get some people

so this 'person' is the same person i agreed to help and coach at work and he just continues to be rude...

i'm done...so i told him he needed to give some serious thought to whether he really wants my help and a big part of me wants him to say he doesn't

you know why? coz he is simply NOT ready to do this sort of work on himself and i think it's going to take up a lot of my time, and for what?

and sure, maybe i'm not reacting well because he intrigues me...yes yes yes i know! perhaps i called it a crush the other day but it's more like intrigue, or as my therapist would say, curiosity...i just want to try and understand him...not sure why? seriously, no idea why...but i'm working on that!

but tonight (refers to fri 16 march) i am very pissed off with him (again, i hear you say...!)

i think he's crossed the line, only question is, have i?

and he is DEFINITELY part of the universal lesson...definitely!

aarrgghh

exhausted...

is the only way i can describe how i feel right now...

so the week's events with said 'guy at work' and my mixed feelings have really gotten the better of me, and the realisation of just how much work there is still for me to do, to be 'ok' (if that's actually possible) with what Chris did, well, there's still a long long way to go...

and sure, i am not naive enough to think that a couple of months of intensive therapy will have made it all better, but i guess, i got so busy with the new job that it just didn't seem so important for a while...

but now, now that someone has shown an interest in me, albeit one i'm absolutely confused about, and not sure i welcome, well, it's brought back all of the old patterns...and it feels worse somehow...

maybe because i thought i'd worked through it all

maybe because i thought it was less about Chris and more about other stuff

truth is, it's all about what happened with Chris - how can 10 minutes have such a fundamental, and damaging impact on one life? seriously...

so i was right when i said i was in the midst of a universal lesson and it would appear that FC is simply the vehicle for me to see this....

so today's therapy session was a biggie

it was a session of much realisation, many light bulb moments, and perhaps the start of yet another lesson....

and last night, despite my awareness and best best efforts, i just couldn't help myself....i found myself letting my shadow, yes, that's who it is, take over and look where it got me? nowhere good i can tell you...

truth is, this attraction to the wrong types of men, and my crippling desire for them to like me, even though i don't really like them, my need to move towards them, even when they are moving away...it's an addiction...

there, it's out! it's true...there is nothing like the rush i get, but then the let down is awful...scary thing is, i know, each and every time, how it's gonna work out, and yet i just can't stop myself...

soo now begins the long long journey of working this out, once and for all, because you know what? it's tiring...nope, it's exhausting, and i've been doing it for 30 years...and i don't want to do it anymore...

soooo on that note, i'm going to make a cuppa, give Lexie some attention and most likely, i'll be in my comfy and welcoming boudoir well before 10pm! 

nite x

the all too familiar

rush

shit! shit! shit!

really have to face this lesson head on or it's never gonna get better...

maybe I need an intervention....

maybe something stronger...

and the pattern rarely deviates....same sort of men, exactly same feelings....same desire to move towards...same same same!

why why why?

and the Sarah i usually am, where does she go? it's as if she can't exist when this other Sarah is here...hmmm

definitely a dilemma! don't like it

nope, definitely don't like it....

kindred spirits...

think i found one today...

in amongst a bloody busy and stressful day

in amongst what i'm CERTAIN is a big universal lesson

i think i found a kindred spirit...

such a nice feeling...

it's bloody hard to keep a secret sometimes, when it threatens to spill over and make a mess of your day, or worse, your life...

but today, at the end of this day, when everyone else had gone, when it was way past going home time, someone who works for me, chose to confide in me, to share with me something from her past...

and you know what? i wasn't surprised...just pleased, not for what she'd had to endure, but that she felt she could tell me without judgment....

so i shared my secret with her too, and you know what? after the initial sadness of realising the impact it has, it was kind of nice that she knows me a little bit better, that i know her that little bit better...

i truly am blessed...despite everything, i am...and sure, things aren't exactly as i'd like them in my life, but they're not that bad...

sooo i'm going to try and put one FC out of my mind (seems my mind is stuck on him, even though i can't work out why...yep, that's definitely the lesson!) and try for a good nights sleep...

wish me luck!

and for everyone who reads my blog or occasionally drops by, thanks :-)

surely not

I can't like him? can I? really?

seriously can't find many traits I like, and sure I don't know him that well, hardly at all really...

but seriously!!! he can be rude, he smokes, like a chimney, he's awkward, or maybe he's just awkward around me...he doesn't appear to have any EQ...

so why then?

chemistry?

attraction?

bizarre really! not sure i know what's going on...

oh well least I don't feel quite so undone as I did lastnight...

scariest thing is how very FAMILIAR all of this feels....gotta be a lesson in that.  gotta be!

sigh...

distracted...big time

yep, so it would seem there is now no point denying it...

it's definitely a crush!

really?

he's so not my type...or is he? and that's where the problem begins...

I could not concentrate today...

so, it's true...I have a crush on someone I'm not even sure I like...

how does that work?!?!

mixed messages...

so i caught up with my best friend today - we did our regular pedi/mani/lunch/shop catch up and i really needed to get some outside input...

since my thoughts about this person have been almost all consuming since thursday...when he texted me saying he'd buy me a drink

now i had thought at that point, he might fancy me...and whilst that is a good thing, it's also brought up many similarities with my relationship with ben...and i think, that maybe just maybe, the pattern is re-appearing so i can break it...yep, pretty sure about that!

so of course him asking me to coach him, and the subsequent rude email last night, well not rude, so much as, just without niceties (or maybe it was rude - at best it was nonconstructive!) has made me wonder if he was only being nice to me with an ulterior motive...

so i asked Sar what her thoughts were, and she thinks i am definitely getting mixed messages...and sure, that doesn't actually help me sift through them, but at least, it means someone else would read his communications with me the way i have...

so i'm left wondering, wondering if he likes me or if he just wants coaching, and i'm left thinking that i'm not sure coaching him is a good idea....

shit! i have also noticed in more recent times, since we've been talking more, and since he started following me on twitter, before i disappeared, he has been awkward with me...or is it me? am i awkward with him too? i'm sure there is something there - don't know what it is, but it feels as though there is a mutual attraction,  if you could call it that?

ah fuck...who knows, i'm a bit over the time it's taking up today so am going to throw myself into Lexie...

perhaps more light will be shed in coming days!

nite peeps

xx

under my skin...

yep, so even after posting and venting to the ether, i'm still bugged...yep, he's gotten under my skin or maybe i've let him

either way, i'm annoyed! and i'm left wondering if a leopard can really change it’s spots?

right now, i'm going with no...

so then the question becomes this: should i agree to coach this guy or not?

no longer confused...

i was probably right!

not just no longer confused, also a wee bit annoyed...

so as i'm watching my Bulldogs belt the Dragons (30 - 4...woo hoo!) I remember a conversation with my boss and email 2 guys from work (one is the one i referred to in my earlier post) - and sure it's saturday night, but the beauty of the iphone is i can email it whilst i'm thinking about it so i don't forget...

didn't expect a response but then i got one...and it was rude, to the point, no niceties, and sure it's probably just his way, but i think it's rude...and this from someone who last night asked me to coach him - seriously? not even enough wherewithal to think 'gee i'm responding to the person i asked to help me, maybe i should try out a new way of being'...

nah! who the fuck am i kidding?

so, i need to remember just how rude this guy can be, and i am CERTAIN whatever he said last night that managed to get through to me, maybe it was all just some game to get me to help him for him...nothing in it for me as far as i can tell, and sure, that's not how i usually operate, but i have an awful feeling he's playing me...

well, not gonna happen! no way...

confused...

today, or am i? no, acutely aware of the likely road ahead is more like it...

so i didn't go for a drink with him yesterday, honestly i'd never said i would, i said i'd think about it...and i did

think about, i thought about it and i just didn't feel like it.  by 3ish i had hit a brick wall and just wanted to curl up on my couch...

instead i went to paddo and to my favourite costume jewellery maker - hung out and played with them for a while, then got home, by which time he'd texted me to tell me he'd thought of an alternative way to solve the issue i'm having at work...

then we texted for a while, then he called and we spent nearly an hour and a half on the phone...

turns out he wants my help! wants me to coach him...

didn't see that coming...seriously! 

and i have mixed feelings about it...a big part of me (the coach who doesn't get much of a work out these days) is super chuffed to be asked

the part of me that might have been secretly hoping he fancied me, is disappointed....of course i think he's all wrong for me, we work together, he's rude etc etc...but still

of course, he might, who knows! wanting to be coached by someone and fancying them aren't mutually exclusive...are they?

i definitely think this is a test! bit like the test Lexie's about to have, it's a test and i know it is...

all i can hear is 'be careful, be careful and don't forget everything you've worked hard to learn'...hmmmm

the choices we make

might be a good title for the novel or just appropriate for what's going thru my head right now...

so there's this bloke at work...arrogant, obnoxious, downright rude (he even admits this)...maybe he's shy and not obnoxious...nah, he's obnoxious

but you know what? and i'm cringing as i write this....there's something about him...

something intriguing

something that made me imagine i was having sex with him today

something that makes me want to know more about him

seriously, i think i must be losing it...

so will be interesting to see if i do go for drinks with him tomorrow or not...

french films

yep, it's that time of year again folks! and last year around this time, i had almost gotten Chris out of my life, then a french film completely unhinged me! well, not this year...

only down side is that the friend i used to go see these movies with (over a couple of years) has stopped talking to me out of the blue...maybe not out of the blue from her perspective, but from mine, yes...

so, i'll be doing it alone this year...and sure, there is some solace in seeing movies on your own (not having to compromise, seeing only what you want to see) but i think that the compromise would be well offset by the companionship....

so french film festival 2012, here i come! allez...

ps about trust

yes, about trust! well tonight, in setting up this 'way' to do twitter anonymously, i asked the help of the IT guy at work...

and i'm CERTAIN i can trust him, but i guess, as right now, other than any readers here, he is the ONLY person to know the other me...my alter ego (as it were).,..

so, we'll see! in his words 'trust no-one'...of course, i don't subscribe to that theory at all

perhaps if i did, i wouldn't have been hurt and disappointed so many times, but hey, i'm too old to change one of my fundamental beliefs...

or am i?

think i've found a way...

to re-enter the world of twitter! yes, i know i know, i should probably just forget it, but honestly, i really enjoyed my interactions there, and a month on, i'm missing it...

so, i've conjured up a way to get on it, without disclosing my true identity...who'd have thought i'd ever need, or want, or feel inclined to go with a pseudonym?

go figure!

so it would seem that my novel's protagonist may come to life in an entirely unexpected way!

he he he!

a fortnight, really?

really? it's been a fortnight (well tomorrow it will have been) since my last post? where DOES the time go?

having a big and busy full time job will do that...and a trip to Canberra, and a fall at Bunnings....yep, it's been a busy few weeks...

i'd like to say i can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i'm not sure i can...

it's also been 2 weeks since i did any writing! but that's not so bad, as i have read a great book (The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes) and I have got until Easter Monday to write the full 100,000 words...so still a bit of time up my sleeve...

the bit that comes after the 100,000 words is the scary bit! meaning, seriously considering sending it to publishers: of course it needs some tidying up before it's ready for that, but that's the aim...

and no, it won't be published under a pseudonym, no sirree! why would i work my butt off to write a book and then not take credit for it? nope, definitely not my style...

although, mostly i am a quiet achiever, but still, this is a big big achievement and so not one i'm going to go by without some celebration and pride in self!

so, what's happened in the 2 weeks? work continues to be busy, manic at times...one of my staff had a teary on me friday and i think perhaps i let her 'fear' infect me, and consequently spent a large part of yesterday's session with Sal talking about finding the line, installing the boundary and then not moving towards...guess i've still got some work to do on that! in my effort to support her and show empathy, i probably left with her insecurities, and really, she should have left with them...oh well, we learn!

had a fall at Bunnings Thursday night which has meant a few days of stiffness, soreness, pain and initially, scary dizziness....so have been laying low and hoping that will be all behind me very soon!

Blues had another crap game in the NAB cup, and sure, it doesn't mean anything, but still, I'm not encouraged by what i saw!

and now i think i may write, so au revoir it is...

nite!