wishing...

i had found my Mr Big tonight...

yep, not often i feel lonely or wish for things to be different, but tonight i do...

just sayin'

getting paid has

a way of reminding me why i'm there...sure, not every month, but when it's been tough, challenging, sometimes not even anywhere close to fun...the sizeable wad of cash that hits my bank account on the 15th of each month serves as a timely reminder as to why

why i took the job

why i gave up my freedom

why i put up with some people's shit

but really, today, even yesterday, were much better days than monday and when i read what i wrote monday night, which was only 48 hours ago, i'm somewhat staggered by just how different i feel today...

bizarre! so as i drove home tonight after a 10 hour day i realised just how much i love it...

and not just because of the pay...no a few other things:

 - the people are mostly great

 - some of my colleagues are fabulous and i enjoy working with them

 - the role itself, well, it's pretty good

 - i'm learning

 - and slowly slowly we ARE making progress

so all is good in the world tonight!

hope it's good in your world too xx

sold my soul....

to the corporate devil…

yep, that’s how I feel right now.  And sure, I knew that re-entering the workforce, might occasionally bring this up, but I guess as everything had been going so well, I didn’t really think that it would come up again…so mostly, I’m unprepared for this…

maybe that’s naïve, but really? I just did not see this coming…

not only do I feel as though I’ve sold my soul, I sometimes feel that Sarah is invisible at times (and that is just not a good place for me to be) and honestly, I have questioned whether the money is worth it? truth is, it isn’t and as I replied to my BFF yesterday when she asked me when I’ll know it’s time, ‘when the mortgage is paid off’…

so it’s true, rejoining the workforce has MANY many positives and I do LOVE the job, most of the people and my team, but really, it is a compromise and every day I feel as though I need to leave a big part of myself behind…and I don’t like that…

nope, I don’t like that one little bit…so today was difficult, and sure, I woke up with a headache and sore throat after going to bed at 9.20pm, so that did not help things….

and true, I don’t feel trapped like I did historically when I felt like this, so that’s a plus, but still, I do feel as though a bit part of who I am isn’t getting a daily workout…and that sux…

yep, it sux

needed to be said...

or did it?

So yesterday I was chatting with the bloke at work, the one I thought I might have a crush on late last year, and it had been a WHILE since we’d had any sort of chat…in fact, we chatted for ages last night and I realised, after he’d left and I made my way home, that I had been very open, very honest and possibly a bit too much so…

Of course, I’m not sure I actually believe you can be too honest but following the serious conversation Monday and my level of paranoia (or otherwise, healthy skepticism), I felt maybe I’d said too much...when will i learn?

During the conversation, and as a preface to something he told me, he suggested we were ‘not talking about work’….so I guess he may well have been feeling as vulnerable as me

See this is the problem with being in senior management – it’s almost impossible to just be you all of the time, and this is one aspect of the job I really don’t like…in an otherwise dream job, this is a struggle, and sure, before this week I’ve thought about it, but the events of Monday have now painted everything in a different light…

Fuck

So i mentioned to him that i wanted to have a chat and when we did chat, this morning, it went a lot more smoothly than i anticipated...historically i guess i would have been worrying that i didn't trust him, worrying what he thought about me, but today, i just felt it was something i needed to do - to make it clear to him that i wanted to be able to talk to him and that it was important i could trust him, and likewise he could trust me...went ok i think...even if it didn't i felt better and that has me wondering about whether it even needed to be said, but hey, i did...of course, he is someone i feel as though i can trust, but sadly, one can never be sure about these things...

i've been wrong before, admittedly not often, because i'm too trusting and at times a little naive, and this is someone who has worked in this place a long time, knows a lot of people and some of them I don’t trust…so I guess I’ve been vulnerable, and only time will tell whether that’s been wise or not…

and as to the other matter, well who knows about that? 

i miss it, yep i really do

twitter that is...so following the conversation Monday, i have obviously had to go cold turkey and i miss it...

maybe in the long run, which given how busy i am could be as early as gee, tomorrow?, i won't miss it at all but right now i do...

and i miss it so much and feel bad that i couldn't say a proper good bye to at least some of my 262 followers...

oh well...

i miss it so much that i have seriously, and i mean seriously contemplated setting up a new one under a different name, one that in NO way could be linked back to me...

i miss the interaction with similar minded people from around the place, i miss the fact that i got news through it, i miss that my little online community were mostly, fellow writers and so in a way a GREAT means of support ad encouragement, and i miss that i am in a role where i don't have the option to be myself...fully

yep, i miss it. no two ways about it, i really do...

guess, like every 'loss' it will ease...

sigh

inevitable...

really, i should have seen it coming...but i feel deflated, a little embarrassed, and exactly how i thought it would feel like in the event this situation arose...

yep! so my boss overheard a conversation at a team dinner last week about my twitter account, and following some time on the weekend googling me to see what she could find, i was hauled in for a serious conversation this morning...

sure, she read some of it out of context, non tweeters will do that...

but honestly, i probably should have known better...should have closed it down before it got to this...

the inevitability though is this: when i accepted my dream job working for her, i knew that there would be a price to pay...the price of being myself? maybe that's a bit dramatic, although i have enjoyed the freedom with which i have been able to speak in this medium, until now...

i feel as though my two worlds have now collided and there is no going back...sooo website has been taken down (and i'm not unhappy about that), although interestingly i had the hindsight to make contact with web designer last week to disable the twitter feed from my website - that way making it WAY harder to find me...

but no, he didn't get back to me and in the absence of his guidance i hadn't remembered how to disable the website...so instead of me being on the front foot, i was well and truly, on the back foot...not a nice place to be...

that said, she handled it respectfully and with dignity and honestly, i can't argue with her - bottom line is it was probably naive of me to think it was ok...

so no more website, no more twitter, only the blog remains! FB of course still in tact, with appropriate privacy settings...

and yes, there have been times today where i have questioned if it is all worth it - and it is, but i was right: it's come at a cost....

again, too tired...

to post more than a sentence...been a mammoth week and frankly I am looking forward to 2 days away from it all...

coupla big successes though so happy with progress...

happy weekend peeps

adios xx

too tired to even....

post! how on earth am I going to find time to write another 30,000 words and finish this novel?

no, seriously??