trust...

is something that for some of us, takes a lifetime to develop...

i wonder actually if it's human to be born trusting? maybe it is? maybe it isn't...perhaps it has a lot to do with the circumstances surrounding your birth and ultimately, who you are born to? and what they teach you about trust?

so surely this is one of those nature v's nurture questions? you know those seemingly meaningless but deep and complex questions that perhaps only a lifetime of research can shed light on...and even then, surely, if it's a bit of both, in almost EVERY instance, the outcome might be different...unique perhaps?

of course i know for a fact that my issues with trust aren't unique - how i came to have those issues maybe, but the resulting fear of trusting anyone at all, yep, that's certainly shared by many many others...some of whom i know, some i don't...

sadly, it doesn't make me feel any better to know that there are others who struggle with the very same thing...again, maybe they don't? maybe they don't struggle with the sorts of things i do, or the situations in which i find it hard to imagine myself trusting others...no, maybe they struggle to trust in instances where i don't even give it a second thought...

who knows? really? 

point is this: there are 2 separate occasions this week where my ability to trust will be called into question and i'm going to try my very hardest to trust the people concerned....of course that's not going to be easy in either of these instances: one which involves giving my house keys to cleaners....fuck, really? even as i'm typing this i cannot believe that i am going to do this...i mean we are talking about a key to the sanctuary (admittedly, i'm only giving them a key to the mailbox so they can retrieve the house keys and leave them when they leave....but who's to know that they won't copy the keys)...yep, i really do have issues with trust...

and the other, well the other is someone i do trust (at least in my dealings with him to date, i have absolutely no reason not to trust him, he seems trustworthy, my 'read' on him, if you could call it that, is positive)...but even so, i'm doing something which will mean he could (if he wanted to, if he were remotely inclined to, or even if he was intrigued enough to want to do so...all things i totally get) have access to something that no other person i work with does...yep, big risk, huge big risk

so, it's a week of challenges on that front...maybe there will be a Being Erica episode about this very issue...oh wait, that's right I've watched all 3 seasons and i don't remember one...

bummer! sooo here i go, out into the big wide world of trying to trust people....

i'll provide a full update later!