so i had an
MHD (actually it turned out as a genuine sick day when i woke up and the
headache that has been largely dormant, but there, for the last week, was there
with a vengeance - not quite a migraine, but close....i got up, made tea, took
2 nurofen and went back to bed...)
of course it
has ended up feeling like an MHD, despite the headache still being there (i'm
beginning to wonder if my neck is out?) and other than a short interaction with
the outside world (Andy from JB Hifi came to replace my buzzing tv -
thankfully!) i have spent most of the day on the couch watching the remaining
episodes of Being Erica Season 3 that i started watching in late December...
there is
something about that show, and Eli Stone before it, that really resonates with
me...so today was all about patterns and changing them if they are no longer
serving you (no kidding!), and then there was the episode about Adam feeling
responsible for his mother and because of that (because she doesn't treat him
like a son, but like a husband, and friend) he resists becoming intimate with
others...
shit, as if i
needed to see that today? well, maybe i did...this very same topic came up both
in my session with Lily last Sunday and also with Sal on Saturday - yep, there
are some fundamental issues with my relationship with my mother, and honestly,
i have NO idea how to change it - i don't want it to continue like this, and of
course i'm afraid of what me saying 'i'd like a different relationship' will do
to her, to our relationship, despite how dysfunctional it is....it's
difficult...
but i am sick
of hearing how difficult her life is - how annoying my father is (and sometimes
when i spend a few days with them, i find myself siding with her, even though
honestly, SHE is the person who's behaviour i can't stand - she is so mean
sometimes and so petty and goes from 0 to 100 in a milli second about nothing),
how he pisses her off etc etc
she shouldn't
be telling me this! she should be telling a friend, her therapist (yeah right,
as if she'd be so self aware to actually have a therapist), or him....why tell
me? i'm supposed to be the child in the relationship...
and don't get
me wrong - this is not a post about her or her shortcomings so much, but about
the impact it has had on me and our relationship - and i'm angry! i feel as
though her role modeling of how to be in a relationship and her expectations of
me are the very things that have contributed (i'm willing to take
responsibility too) to my inability to form and have intimate relationships -
of course what Chris did only compounded that, but seriously..
i am angry!
how do i find a way to say to her "mum, i'd prefer not to hear about your
issues with Dad"...maybe just like that?
so, today's
epiphany hasn't been a good one (so often they are a lovely realisation) so
much as maybe one i needed to have...and definitely would not want to be at
work to have this one, so the headache may well have been my friend today...
who knows!
plenty to do this year, plenty to learn and this could be one GIANT lesson!
thanks
universe, i think!
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