even before i had declared my NY resolutions earlier this week, i had thought it would be good to go and see Lily...i saw her once before (must be 14 months ago now, and with Leah - one of my dear dear girlfriends, at the time though she was a mere acquaintance and possible business partner) and i sensed that she would have so so much to share with me and to help me on my way...
so it's true, since i took the job in July i haven't been experiencing as much of the depression, loneliness, disconnection and doubt, but the run up to xmas and a number of events that are causing me stress, have sadly made me question myself...
sure, it'll pass - it almost always does, but a little bit of outside, objective help is always useful....
so i couldn't possibly summarise everything we talked about and nor would i necessarily want to share it in this very public domain, but suffice it to say she was spot on with so many things, and even though we spent a lot of time talking about my shadow, i didn't once feel defensive or get my back up...Lily is someone who is so straightforward, so honest and so open with her feedback and without judgement, that you know it comes from a holistic and caring place...
there is no 'you should do less of this' or 'more of that', no 'this is good, that is bad'...nope, it's all about knowing who you are, why you do things and learning to accept it all and use it to your advantage...
one particular aspect of my shadow is aggression, which of course is why i hate it so very much when i feel i have been aggressive or if anyone suggests i am
another thing is the conflict between my sun sign (capricorn) and my rising sign (pisces) and how that gets me into trouble - turns out even though i am logical and structured, i don't like to be tied down and am a romantic at heart! confused yet? yep, well it confuses me too sometimes and also others - so no wonder i sometimes commit to something in the moment and on reflection realise i don't want to do it at all...apparently (and you may laugh) i can actually say 'i've changed my mind' and that doesn't mean I don't have integrity.....fuck, so wish I'd known that a long time ago....
soooo, so many useful things to come out of my time with Lily today, including an energy balance to finish up with...
however, the single best thing to come out of the session was her closing comment to me (and it won't be verbatim, but the sentiment will be there): 'my wish for you is that you see yourself as i do...amazing, beautiful and talented with an incredible energy and so so creative'
isn't that just the loveliest thing? yes it is! and as i re-enter the world of work tomorrow (which I am a wee bit nervous about) i can go knowing the following:
- i don't need to take everything so personally (not easy, but i'm starting....now!)
- i am NOT responsible for everything and everyone (really? you sure about that?)
- my boss is not the person i should be seeking approval from (in fact, i should find that from within)
- that she has me there to make her look good and her paying me to do my job in her eyes, is sufficient approval
- making myself out to be needy in her eyes, can only mean trouble (she is all about the veneer/facade of success and in some cases, not being human); and
- to remember WHY i took the job!
- financial security
- stability
- to use ALL of my talents/skills in one place
- for myself, so i could feel connected to something bigger than just me
- to make some big changes at my place of work that in 2 - 3 years i can look back on a be really really proud of
funnily enough, before the chat with her on 23/12 (apparently some hideous conjunction was in my chart that day - go figure!) and the insensitive email from one of my staff i was actually feeling great and successful...
maybe i just need to go with how i'm feeling and quit looking for an external validation of self...
yip, if i can do that, it's gonna mean i have WAY more time to focus on finishing my novel, working on self, hanging out with people i love and meeting someone special...sounds like a plan right?
as usual i've digressed and haven't even referred to the blog title, namely the life script - which turns out is (or should i say was!): what did i do wrong? i'm not good enough....
always assuming that when things go wrong i have some responsibility or in some way could have done something differently...
so now the trick is to write a new life script - gonna take some time to ponder what i'd like that to be, but i think a good start will be 'you are good and worthy and maybe this has NOTHING to do with you'....
adios
No comments:
Post a Comment