liberation...

from 4 May 2011

liberation is what i felt this morning...i was seething after our communication yesterday (refer post sooo very wrong) and for the first time since he re-appeared, i felt as if i had crossed that line, you know, that point of no return with him, you know, the one where if i decided to go back, i only had myself to blame for whatever happened next?

yep, i was so mad! mad with him, mad with myself for not seeing it, and mad mostly, that i have held him out to be someone i thought i wanted to be with...........for 29 long years! fuck, what a waste of my time and energy...no wonder i haven't met my 'mr right'...i've been deluded into thinking he was it!

but no more! i went to bed feeling sad, knowing the end was in sight, but feeling strong and determined and resolved...man, that took some work, but getting there was good (and you know they say it's not about the destination, but the journey? well in this particular case, i reckon they might be wrong...nothing has felt as 'right' in this journey as where i ended up lastnight)

i didn't sleep well, and i didn't for the first time in ages, wake up in a cold sweat, wondering what would be next...i woke up feeling clear and resolved, and even.....a bit happy! yep, seems the old new me (fuck, there have been so many changes in the last few months, i'm not sure which 'me' it was...but she was happy) made a re-appearance today and i can't tell you how very HAPPY i was to see her...welcome back!

imagine my surprise when i turn off my alarm and see a message from him - came in just after midnight (i'm certain i have asked him on at least 4 occasions not to drunk text me late at night...)...saying simply 'u still awake?'...

i didn't even respond, simply looked at it and deleted it, and in my head went about scripting what i would say to him when he finally made contact...what i landed on was this: go fuck with someone else's head, i'm done...

but of course it hasn't quite panned out like that...

around 3pm i get a text asking if i'm free...eventually he calls me at 5pm...i was out walking...he calls back at 5.15pm...

and despite my resolve, i feel sick...want to vomit sick...and what i realised was that i actually didn't want to talk to him but thinking it might be the last time ever (i still like a bit of the dramatic!) i took his call...

and i gave it to him...man did i? i wouldn't normally do this but i figure i'd made up my mind about him and what future (none) there was for us, so i had nothing to lose...i didn't quite stick to my script (bit hard to do that in a 15 minute call...would have meant a LOT of silence!)...

i told him how angry i was with him, how disappointed, how rude i thought he had been yesterday (he claims to have had a really bad day and was angry at the world and taking it out on me - i told him he should maybe consider taking it out on his wife!), how i had been nothing but honest with him and how i felt he had taken advantage of that, how i felt he liked me to be at his beck and call etc etc

it all came out, and i didn't hold back, it was clear i was angry and i actually didn't care if it meant he said 'fine, see ya'...in fact i fully expected that...

i told him i nearly unfriended him on facebook this morning! and i wish i had...