until today was just the title of a tv show that i have really enjoyed...but sadly my Mum's trip to the doctor following an abnormal mammogram was not good news today...
turns out, and not for the first time, she has the big c...fuck
breast cancer this time...
not good, not what i was hoping for...
but she is strong and positive and i know she will fight this head on...
so universe if you are listening please help her fight this so we have many many more years with her yet
not fair really...really not fair at all
nite x
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
some people...
really need to take a long hard look in the mirror...
so i have often said (about some) 'how do they hold down a job?' but it's a pretty fucking sad state of affairs when the person you find yourself saying it about is actually someone that works for you (i.e. me, in this case...)
and frankly, i'm between a rock and a hard place...have never shied away from managing poor performance, but in this case, it could go very very pear shaped and there is not only my own brand at my new job, but reputational risk to consider...
fuck! it really is unfair how hard it is to manage these things...and the choices really open to me aren't exactly good ones...
so, that's about all i wanna (and can) say on the matter....
imagine me rolling my eyes in disgust as i say 'some people'...
nite x
so i have often said (about some) 'how do they hold down a job?' but it's a pretty fucking sad state of affairs when the person you find yourself saying it about is actually someone that works for you (i.e. me, in this case...)
and frankly, i'm between a rock and a hard place...have never shied away from managing poor performance, but in this case, it could go very very pear shaped and there is not only my own brand at my new job, but reputational risk to consider...
fuck! it really is unfair how hard it is to manage these things...and the choices really open to me aren't exactly good ones...
so, that's about all i wanna (and can) say on the matter....
imagine me rolling my eyes in disgust as i say 'some people'...
nite x
Saturday, August 20, 2011
perfect day...
yep, today has been just about a perfect day :-)
lazy morning, episode of law and order whilst enjoying a lazy brekky, first therapy session in nearly a month, lunch with best friend, followed by HOURS of shopping with best friend, then a quick cuppa at hers which turned into a cuppa, games with her and her boys, dinner, some more games and now just home...
mostly we played a game called articulate - loved it! must get it for future family games nights...and her younger son, who is usually pretty quiet, talked to me for hours tonight - about books, his english exam and how to do it, mbti...gold, pure gold
and shopping was good too! got a head start on the summer wardrobe with some skirts, tops, and even a dress! noice one...
and we didn't get our nails done which was the main reason for catching up - oh well!
i am so blessed to have such fabulous friends...blessed, really i am...
sooo now the perfect day is gonna end with a not so early night and another good day to follow...
nite
x
lazy morning, episode of law and order whilst enjoying a lazy brekky, first therapy session in nearly a month, lunch with best friend, followed by HOURS of shopping with best friend, then a quick cuppa at hers which turned into a cuppa, games with her and her boys, dinner, some more games and now just home...
mostly we played a game called articulate - loved it! must get it for future family games nights...and her younger son, who is usually pretty quiet, talked to me for hours tonight - about books, his english exam and how to do it, mbti...gold, pure gold
and shopping was good too! got a head start on the summer wardrobe with some skirts, tops, and even a dress! noice one...
and we didn't get our nails done which was the main reason for catching up - oh well!
i am so blessed to have such fabulous friends...blessed, really i am...
sooo now the perfect day is gonna end with a not so early night and another good day to follow...
nite
x
five weeks in...
and mostly it's good...actually, mostly it's great but yesterday the bubble was burst...
sure, it was inevitable and i should have known it would come...but for those of you that know me, you know that i live in a bubble most of the time...
so yesterday it was burst and i didn't enjoy it - memories of why i left corporate life came rushing back and i found myself thinking 'shit, am i really cut out for this?'...and whilst i may not be, what i do know is this:
turns out there are some very good people in the team, and with one in particular i had a great chat to today...he and i share some very real concerns, but it's great to know i'm not alone....
soooo the long week came to an end and as i left just after 4pm (very early mark by my new standards) to get my hair done, i felt ok about where things all ended up...
hair done, eye brows done, dinner with primary school teacher who i haven't seen since 1975 (was great - so much to catch up and just lovely to see her), watched blues lose to hawks in what turned out to be a close one...and now the moment i have been waiting for all week - bedtime
i have come to really value my weekends since returning to full time work and friday night is almost my favourite night of the week...sooo i'm going to warm up the heat pack, make a cup of tea and crawl into bed knowing i don't have to get up...
yay for weekends...
nite x
sure, it was inevitable and i should have known it would come...but for those of you that know me, you know that i live in a bubble most of the time...
so yesterday it was burst and i didn't enjoy it - memories of why i left corporate life came rushing back and i found myself thinking 'shit, am i really cut out for this?'...and whilst i may not be, what i do know is this:
- it's a great job
- i'm bloody good at it
- it doesn't have to be forever
- and reality of the global economic status is that my little biz may not have survived and i would have found myself in a situation where i had to take a job for money (at least this one, i wanted to take)
turns out there are some very good people in the team, and with one in particular i had a great chat to today...he and i share some very real concerns, but it's great to know i'm not alone....
soooo the long week came to an end and as i left just after 4pm (very early mark by my new standards) to get my hair done, i felt ok about where things all ended up...
hair done, eye brows done, dinner with primary school teacher who i haven't seen since 1975 (was great - so much to catch up and just lovely to see her), watched blues lose to hawks in what turned out to be a close one...and now the moment i have been waiting for all week - bedtime
i have come to really value my weekends since returning to full time work and friday night is almost my favourite night of the week...sooo i'm going to warm up the heat pack, make a cup of tea and crawl into bed knowing i don't have to get up...
yay for weekends...
nite x
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
and
suddenly it doesn't feel so bad...
so having spent a couple of minutes during the day (that's all i had in an otherwise very busy and good day) thinking about my realisation of this morning, i reached out to my friend Nat for some moral support...
she got how i was feeling (angry, pissed off and annoyed that venting my anger at him is no longer an option) and we talked about it, and then i asked how she was...
well, we had a lengthy chat about what's going on for her and in lending support to her, i felt better suddenly, and reminded of who i am and what i stand for...
it's true - a problem shared is a problem halved...
she also provided an interesting perspective on it and suggested that most likely his way of trying to get me to contact him was to arrange these so called friends to unfriend me, knowing how i might react and lash out...
well, that was the old me, she definitely woulda done that, but not now...
sure, i'm angry (angry as hell actually), but i'm not going to fall into this little trap, and whilst it pains me to do nothing, the only way i can ever put this shit with him behind me and move on, and to regain my personal power is to do nothing...
so, nothing it is!
and suddenly, it doesn't seem so bad after all...
nite x
ps sending out hugs and love to my friend Ossie who had a biopsy today...hoping for good news, so universe if you are listening, please let him be ok...thank you
so having spent a couple of minutes during the day (that's all i had in an otherwise very busy and good day) thinking about my realisation of this morning, i reached out to my friend Nat for some moral support...
she got how i was feeling (angry, pissed off and annoyed that venting my anger at him is no longer an option) and we talked about it, and then i asked how she was...
well, we had a lengthy chat about what's going on for her and in lending support to her, i felt better suddenly, and reminded of who i am and what i stand for...
it's true - a problem shared is a problem halved...
she also provided an interesting perspective on it and suggested that most likely his way of trying to get me to contact him was to arrange these so called friends to unfriend me, knowing how i might react and lash out...
well, that was the old me, she definitely woulda done that, but not now...
sure, i'm angry (angry as hell actually), but i'm not going to fall into this little trap, and whilst it pains me to do nothing, the only way i can ever put this shit with him behind me and move on, and to regain my personal power is to do nothing...
so, nothing it is!
and suddenly, it doesn't seem so bad after all...
nite x
ps sending out hugs and love to my friend Ossie who had a biopsy today...hoping for good news, so universe if you are listening, please let him be ok...thank you
bastard...
he's an absolute bastard....
so I notice someone we both know, someone I thought I was friends with has unfriended me and I am certain he's behind it
so fucking pissed off with him
and sure I unfriended him but seriously
pissed off, just sayin'
rant over...
bastard!
ps not sure why it bothers me so much, but it does, clearly it does...therapist is gonna be busy when i see her next :-(
so I notice someone we both know, someone I thought I was friends with has unfriended me and I am certain he's behind it
so fucking pissed off with him
and sure I unfriended him but seriously
pissed off, just sayin'
rant over...
bastard!
ps not sure why it bothers me so much, but it does, clearly it does...therapist is gonna be busy when i see her next :-(
Saturday, August 13, 2011
jumbos are my favourite...
yep, obscure title, possibly an obscure topic, but after 4 weeks in my new job i have decided that jumbos are my favourite plane...
i love the sound of the engine as it's starting the taxi/take off...i love the way they look...sure, some people love the more recently introduced 380 (and i absolutely do admire the feat of engineering that something so big can actually get off the ground), but i reckon the jumbo will always be my favourite...
as i find myself drawn to the window a number of times a day, i got to thinking the other day how nice it would be to be flying away on one...
and not because i'm not happy, or because i want (or need) to run away...but just because i love flying and i love travel...
so, might be about to time to start thinking about my next trip!
i love the sound of the engine as it's starting the taxi/take off...i love the way they look...sure, some people love the more recently introduced 380 (and i absolutely do admire the feat of engineering that something so big can actually get off the ground), but i reckon the jumbo will always be my favourite...
as i find myself drawn to the window a number of times a day, i got to thinking the other day how nice it would be to be flying away on one...
and not because i'm not happy, or because i want (or need) to run away...but just because i love flying and i love travel...
so, might be about to time to start thinking about my next trip!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
lonely...
yep, lonely is how I feel right now...
it'll pass, it usually does
but right at this very moment that's how I feel
and even though I know it will be ok and even though (bar the flu my body finally seems to have succumbed to) I am happy, I'm lonely and wonder when it will be my turn...?
so universe....when will it be my turn?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
the importance of being sarah...
yep, you read it right! not the importance of being earnest, although that's relevant too...
so i just watched the season finale of Being Erica season 2...man that show always touches me in some way and i invariably end up feeling nostalgic and teary - and don't get me wrong coz i love it (bit like Eli Stone...)...
funny, i often think of how much i have changed when i watch it - how much work i have to done to get where i am today, how much that change drew a wedge between ben and me and occasionally, how much i miss him...
there was so much hope at the beginning of our relationship, of course there usually is at the beginning, or why else would we get together right? but it seems that as i grew and worked hard to 'be sarah' (not that i honestly knew who that was when we got together) i kind of hoped he would grow with me and support me, but nah, wasn't to be...
guess that's life really and whilst i do occasionally miss him terribly, i also know that we were just not right for each other....true, took me months to work it out, took me even more months to get up the courage to break it off, and even more months to heal, learn and move on from it...and yet i still hold a place in my heart for him and i'm good with that....
seems kinda crazy to spend 2 years of your life with someone and then not hold them dear in some way? don't you think?
but holding someone dear is different to holding onto them or worse, letting them hold onto you...or, as the case may have been, not holding onto your own dreams or who you are because of them...
sooo oscar wilde was definitely onto something with his book - actually not just this one, but probably all of them (haven't read them all of course)..
the importance of being sarah is what gets me through when i feel so lonely i could cry myself to sleep, when i wonder if things will ever work out quite how i'd like them to be, or when i feel a bit lost....
no matter what, i will always have me....
nite xx
so i just watched the season finale of Being Erica season 2...man that show always touches me in some way and i invariably end up feeling nostalgic and teary - and don't get me wrong coz i love it (bit like Eli Stone...)...
funny, i often think of how much i have changed when i watch it - how much work i have to done to get where i am today, how much that change drew a wedge between ben and me and occasionally, how much i miss him...
there was so much hope at the beginning of our relationship, of course there usually is at the beginning, or why else would we get together right? but it seems that as i grew and worked hard to 'be sarah' (not that i honestly knew who that was when we got together) i kind of hoped he would grow with me and support me, but nah, wasn't to be...
guess that's life really and whilst i do occasionally miss him terribly, i also know that we were just not right for each other....true, took me months to work it out, took me even more months to get up the courage to break it off, and even more months to heal, learn and move on from it...and yet i still hold a place in my heart for him and i'm good with that....
seems kinda crazy to spend 2 years of your life with someone and then not hold them dear in some way? don't you think?
but holding someone dear is different to holding onto them or worse, letting them hold onto you...or, as the case may have been, not holding onto your own dreams or who you are because of them...
sooo oscar wilde was definitely onto something with his book - actually not just this one, but probably all of them (haven't read them all of course)..
the importance of being sarah is what gets me through when i feel so lonely i could cry myself to sleep, when i wonder if things will ever work out quite how i'd like them to be, or when i feel a bit lost....
no matter what, i will always have me....
nite xx
Sunday, August 7, 2011
scary....
how the stupid behaviour of a teenage boy can still haunt me some 30 odd years later...
truth is i've been doing great in recent weeks...ditched him from FB, deleted him from my phone and honestly seem to have moved on...until i realise that his actions still impact me today...
mostly i'm good, really, but today i've waivered between nostalgic, sad, lonely and fine....
funny as i was telling Sal about how i feel that i have moved on from him, like he is now very much a part of my past and not my present, but what he did, and the impact that had, is stil, sometimes very much a part of my present...
so i'm wondering how to handle that...not thinking i should 'do' something necessarily, but don't really want it creeping up on me every now and again like it did today...
soooo scary it is...
truth is i've been doing great in recent weeks...ditched him from FB, deleted him from my phone and honestly seem to have moved on...until i realise that his actions still impact me today...
mostly i'm good, really, but today i've waivered between nostalgic, sad, lonely and fine....
funny as i was telling Sal about how i feel that i have moved on from him, like he is now very much a part of my past and not my present, but what he did, and the impact that had, is stil, sometimes very much a part of my present...
so i'm wondering how to handle that...not thinking i should 'do' something necessarily, but don't really want it creeping up on me every now and again like it did today...
soooo scary it is...
Friday, August 5, 2011
frequency...
of posting seems to have slowed almost to a complete halt! and not because i don't want to post, but simply that the new job (which i am loving) takes up so much time during the week that i literally come home, and if i'm not playing tennis (which i do twice a week), i eat dinner and fall into bed...
i don't think i have ever enjoyed the start of a new job so much...i can't remember being excited to go to work every day, nor getting up early almost every day (without resenting doing so)...
great decision i made to accept this fabulous role...not only because i love the job, but as i stand by and watch the world's economies commence what will be an inevitable decline into recession, i am very grateful to have a stable income...
i thoroughly enjoyed my break from corporate life, even though i worked my butt off (at times!)...i was ready to leave it all behind when i did, and when i started 3 weeks ago, i was ready to start afresh...
amazing what a coupla years off and a career change will do for ones motivation...
sooo the frequency of posting has declined, but only because i am tired, not because i am disinclined...and soon enough, it's bound to start up again!
happy weekend xx
i don't think i have ever enjoyed the start of a new job so much...i can't remember being excited to go to work every day, nor getting up early almost every day (without resenting doing so)...
great decision i made to accept this fabulous role...not only because i love the job, but as i stand by and watch the world's economies commence what will be an inevitable decline into recession, i am very grateful to have a stable income...
i thoroughly enjoyed my break from corporate life, even though i worked my butt off (at times!)...i was ready to leave it all behind when i did, and when i started 3 weeks ago, i was ready to start afresh...
amazing what a coupla years off and a career change will do for ones motivation...
sooo the frequency of posting has declined, but only because i am tired, not because i am disinclined...and soon enough, it's bound to start up again!
happy weekend xx
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