seems my life...

has taken on a much quieter, less dramatic pace since i decided to move on from you know who...Chris that would be for those readers who may have been following the story...

yep it's now been weeks since we had any contact, and honestly, it's good...sure it was hard initially and i thought i missed him...not sure what it was exactly that i missed...perhaps the idea of who i wanted him to be, perhaps the attention (i'd be lying if i said i didn't like the attention...)...not sure really, but seems that even though i may have missed him i am now just starting to get my groove back

i feel good! i feel happy...i am enjoying my life, i am NOT enjoying the weather (but that has nothing to do with him!)...

it's still hard sometimes when i find myself remembering what he did when i walk past a certain building, it's getting easier to go past the Mater and not think of him...

sooo i'm not sure i'll ever forget him, not even sure i'd want to...but i am feeling good! happy! content and even starting to feel much more positive about the future...

was a tough six months, but it had to happen...he had to turn up, i had to deal with some stuff, i had to relive and play out my childhood fantasy and ultimately i had to see him for what he is and what he can't be...

all good :-)

so universe, even though at times i was struggling and wondering why on earth you let him find me, i am grateful for where i am right now, right this minute, on a tuesday night with the rain pouring (yep, it's just started up again), about to crawl into my lovely bed, in my beautiful little home, in a city i love,  in a country i call home...

yep, it's all good from where i sit...thank you!

the wait might soon be over...

yep, it's true! the wait (for the formal job offer) may soon be over...and by soon, i mean, a coupla weeks - which of course is not exactly soon, but as with all terms, they can be relative!

since the job was verbally offered to me back in March, a coupla weeks is definitely 'sooner' than not...

so, it'll be nice when it's all official - of course then i have to go thru the process of advising my clients and a couple of administrative things but still...

i'm looking forward to starting, to being part of something again, to having a purpose every day (and of course, right now i still HAVE a purpose, but on the days when i'm not that busy or not doing what i want to be doing, it doesn't feel like it)...

and sure, it's gonna be busy, it's gonna take up a lot of time...but ultimately, it's going to give me the financial stability and security that the biz just doesn't...it's gonna help me to feel connected to the world and to the people in it, as opposed to the isolation i feel quite often now...

can't wait!

750...

wow, so this is my 750th post...

i'm sure most of them have been utter crap, but at least in years to come i will have a record of what was going on in my life...

and today has been a good day, mostly...

woke up late (gave myself permission to have a long sleep in as i have woken up with a headache the last 2 days)...got tea, went back to bed and basically slept until nearly 10am - luxury! got up, did a phone call, walked for 40 minutes whilst watching replay of Carlton beat St Kilda and listening to music - i think that absolutely qualified for multi tasking! then had lunch, did some washing, and finally called the ATO (having had at least 5 failed attempts in the last 6 days)...finally got through and after just over 2 hours the whole reason for calling them was sorted...

man was i relieved! i have been meaning to call them for months, yes over 3...so imagine my relief that it is now done, and funnily enough, in a little over 4 weeks, i doubt it will even be relevant, but it's done, i can't get in trouble and i won't be liable for GST i didn't charge...

what a fucking nightmare - honestly! it took over a day of my personal time to get it sorted and really, it's all going to be for nothing...

sigh

so the afternoon kinda took care of itself, then did some domestic stuff, chatted to a good friend, spoke to client/new boss, did a bit of work and then watched 2 of my all time fave tv shows...

now it's just after 10pm and i'm ready for bed! a quietish day again tomorrow but includes coffee with another coach, visit from curtain lady (looking to do something new in lounge, dining room and kitchen) and 1 work meeting...

funny, i wanted the 750th post to be something of a milestone and it is in terms of it is number 750...but honestly i don't have anything of note to write - no fabulous content that i'll look back on and go 'wow, great post for a big milestone'...nope! just life

and right now, life is pretty good

nite xx

ps only question really is 'to unfriend or not?'

writing...

so i had a writing course today - in the last 3 months it's the 9th one i've been to...it was good! i go to these things with a coupla things in mind...obviously, to get some tips about writing and in particular how on earth to find a way to get this novel to hang together...turns out i may have some blockage due to writing a) in the first person and b) having a lot of myself in the main character...so gonna do some thinking about that...second thing is to meet other writers, although, on the whole, today's bunch were not my sort of people...of course, i would be lying if i said i didn't hope to meet some nice men at these things but it seems, largely, that writing courses are filled with middle aged women...

oh fuck! does that make me a middle aged woman? i guess in definitional terms i probably am...i'm 42 which given an average life span of...what is the average life span these days? probably means if i'm not middle aged, then i'm fast approaching it...

sigh

so, no men to speak of, no people i particularly want to keep in touch with but some fabulous and practical tips! actually, great teacher - Emily Maguire - turns out she's something of a feminist and has at least 4 published works - wow!

but it was a tough day - i woke up yesterday with a headache and felt a bit sick/dizzy, didn't feel much better when i woke up today so literally had to drag myself out of bed and over to Rozelle...managed to stick it out, and despite having good intentions to walk when i got home i was simply too tired...

even though it's now 9.51pm, i was ready for bed at 7.35pm...and of course being tired and thinking or navel gazing as perhaps it can be accurately described, don't actually make a great combination for me...

i had a sudden thought as i was watching the tennis and eating yet another piece of chocolate (really gotta kick the habit for chocolate and/or biscuits...especially once i am in full time employ was walking every day will no longer be possible)...what if i NEVER meet anyone and have a long term relationship...is that going to mean my life will have been a failure?

(note to everyone else: if you fall into that category, i don't think you are a failure, but this is something i seem to measure myself by)...

soooo best i go to bed before the navel gazing becomes even more deep and meaningful and i find myself depressed at my own assessment of where things are at!

nite x

ps next one is 750!

750 approaches...

wow! in 2 more posts i'll hit 750 - that's a lot of blogging!

i do love the blog though...it's a great way for me to keep a track of what has been happening in my life, especially as it is now backed up, albeit manually - if anyone knows how to do it automatically i'd be glad for the info...

not only a great way to keep track, but a great way for me to sift through my sometimes overwhelming thoughts and emotions...often i find i feel much better at the end of a post, when i have had a chance to think about stuff than i do at the beginning of a post! who would have thought it could be so therapeutic? well me for one, since i have always found writing to be that way :-)

ok well it's fast approaching my bed time so adios x

didn't...

didn't give in to the urge of last night that is...

yay me!

had a good day today too - seems i was very motivated to do everything i needed to do, even though i woke up with a cracker (paint fume) headache...

so it would seem that having made the decision, my mind is free to get on and do stuff...

yay again!

ok, dinner and state of origin now...kinda makes me a bit sad coz this time 3 years ago Ben and i were just back from our very first holiday and came home in time to go the SOO in sydney...

oh well! let's hope those Blues put up a fight

nite x

urges...

mmmm it seems I have a strong urge to send someone, yes him, a text...

WTF?

i won't of course, but the urge remains...

and it 's funny coz even though we aren't close, or even talking!, I still want to share my news with him...

bizarre...

i'm takin' it...

yep! i decided today...that i'm taking the job!

it just felt right...i was excited and engaged and feeling valued and thought, why the hell not?

sure, i'm giving up a coupla things, but mostly it's going to provide me with a whole lot of positives that right now, do not look achievable in my own little biz...and yep, i'm sad to be putting the biz on hold, but that's it really - it's not over...and i have every intention of returning to it at some point...

but the now almost constant worry about money, the boredom of having nowhere near enough to do, the reluctance to get out there and sell sell sell...well, i've had enough of that really...and even though i think i'm afraid of hard work - actually that's crap! i'm afraid of hard work that comes to nothing...of spending hours doing work that isn't valued or of value...and sure i hate getting up in the morning but getting up with a clear purpose every single day, and a place to go, with people who need me...yep, that's gonna be good! and no, i'm not wearing the rose coloured glasses (i don't wear glasses anymore, remember?) and yes i'm certain there are gonna be challenging days, challenging people and times when i think 'WTF was i thinking'?...

but in 3 years time when the mortgage is almost gone, the share portfolio doubled, the super pot significantly bigger than it is now, when i've been back to NYC at least two more times, when i've renovated the ensuite and painted the study, when i am debt free...and when i've done a fabulous job for the new employer...then i'll be able to think about the biz and what next...

i was so excited when i left my meeting this morning - the same meeting that when i was invited the other day (as a development opportunity) i got my nose out of joint a bit...turns out this 'boss to be' really does value me and want my input - sometimes she's just a bit straightforward in how she says things - and i need to remember NOT to take things so bloody personally!

so it's not official yet, could take another 5 weeks or so before the formal offer comes in, but the good thing is i am no longer wondering if i am going to do it...I am!

oh, and did i mention i get a PA? how exciting...not that i'll know what to get her to do (and i don't say her because i assume it will be a girl/woman, i know who it is!) but no doubt that won't take long! it's a big job, there's gonna be lots to do but i do love a challenge...

yay me!

not entirely sure...

what's going on but it is starting to feel like the symptoms i was having when i thought i might have been a wee bit depressed are coming back...

• i'm over thinking things
• not feeling confident to make this decision
• really afraid i will do it and then fail
• really afraid if i don't do it that there will be some undesirable financial consequences
• a bit worried another job might not present itself (got a knock back this morning for an OD job - admittedly i have NO OD experience...)
• wish i had someone in my life (you know, relationship wise, not just my amazing friends)
• and wondering too how amazing the universe is to provide a client who is going through almost the very same thing as i am...hmmmm, i find that weird and yet comforting

sooo i'm pre-occupied, thinking WAY too much, not trusting myself to make this decision and not remembering all the amazing decisions i have made in the past, that even though daunting at the time, worked out ok...

taking redundancy! sure, right now it would be easy to say that as the biz ain't going so well financially, doing it was the wrong thing - but nah, i don't believe that for one second! it has been an amazing few years and one where i have learnt a lot about myself and taken some chance - also one where i have done some GREAT work with clients

breaking up with Ben...again, nope! it was, without a doubt, the most difficult decision i think i have ever had to make...i loved him with my heart and soul (additionally i felt some responsibility for his happiness - that probably wouldn't stick now...love therapy, love learning about self) and yet i knew it just wasn't good for me to be in that relationship with him...and now, some 16 months later (well, it will be on Thursday) i feel good about that decision - actually i felt good about it from pretty soon afterwards even though the phase of adjusting to life without him took some time...

funny, coz with Benny it took me AGES to implement (big corporate word that, but appropriate) the decision - the decision i had been mulling on for months, the decision that prevented me from sleeping most nights, the decision that in the end, made me sick....but it has worked out ok...i wonder too if, even though i didn't want to break up with him (my preference would have been for him to come to the party in the relationship), i have made this decision work for me...and now, i look back, i know it was the right one...and sure, when i'm feeling lonely or sad or wishing i had someone to talk this decision over with, i think 'mmm be nice to have him around'... but that isn't actually true - he often wasn't here for me during those decision making times and he certainly wasn't around for the decision to break up with him...nope, did that one all on my own...interestingly, didn't talk to any friends, no family, not my therapist...most unlike me!

so maybe i can learn something from the decisions that have gone before this one, and really, it wouldn't be forever - when is anything forever?

the single most difficult thing for me to get my head around is the lack of freedom and flexibility that taking this job will mean giving up - almost certainly...and i hate feeling trapped...more so since Ben and I broke up - this is something i have really observed about myself...

soooo i'm not entirely sure what's driving my mood tonight, or my ridiculous cravings for anything bad (had 2 scoops of ice cream today and then 6 choc chip biscuits....) or this fear that i'm going to fail...

but there you have it, that's how it is on this monday night....

nite x

48 hours...

wow, seems like a lot longer than 48 hours since the last post, but then again...

but no, it has actually only been 48 hours! seems like so much has happened and yet, really, nothing has happened at all...

2 very sleepless nights at my parents house - funny, seems that of late, i just don't sleep that well there, whereas in times gone by i found it very comforting to go to what i used to refer to as 'home'...no longer feel that way i guess, and my little house, with all of it's mess and my stuff, is home...the harbour bridge feels like home...yep, still love it after nearly 20 years...

i found myself tossing and turning about this bloody job - and i guess in coming days i'm going to try and bring a new approach, a different perspective to it...seems that the longer it goes on, the more difficult the decision feels, but the reality is, in the 2 months or more since i was verbally offered it, nothing has really changed...

what i have observed is my roller coaster of emotions and feelings towards it - oscillating between 'yep, it's a great job and i really want it' to 'do i really want to give up what i have now' to 'should i just take it?' to 'i really don't want to schlep to the airport every day' to 'is she the sort of boss i'm going to want to work for?'...fuck, so many questions...

honestly, if she'd asked me and given me a coupla days, i reckon the 'NF' (MBTI) in me would NOT have gone into the spiral of decision making! typically i use my gut for big decisions although historically it seems i have been swayed by what i think others expect of me, and i'd be lying if i said there wasn't a wee bit of that here...but honestly, i am torn...

i actually have NO idea what i want to do - actually, that's not true, as i write this i know EXACTLY what i want to be doing (a full time coaching/team building/counselling business) but right now it just doesn't seem possible...

sooo you might ask 'what have i done to move closer to that?' and honestly, the answer is 'probably not as much as i should'....but there is what i can do and control and then there is the economy, the desire (or otherwise) of companies/people to follow through on what they say they will do etc...

and frankly, i can do my bit, but i can't make others do theirs - and not that i'd want to, but of course, it might mean a different reality for me...

so actually I DO know what i want to do, but right now i don't think that is gonna pay my mortgage...one other thing that has come to light in recent times (i.e. as i've been faced with this decision) is my long term financial future, which until about 2 months ago i had (gasp) given absolutely NO thought to - fuck, how is that possible? i worked in finance for nearly 20 years and know more about this stuff than most...but no, head in sand, i did nothing at all...no planning and certainly when i took the cheque and some shares from the former employer a coupla years ago, i had given NO thought whatsoever to the longer term picture...

hmmmm....guess i've learned that lesson the hard way! well, thankfully, not that hard, as this job, or some other job could in fact mean that the lesson hasn't been that hard after all (thank you universe)...

sooo i'm tired, it's been a tough few days thinking about stuff and i noticed the lack of interest of either of my parents to pursue the conversation with me further - guess in their minds, they've had their say and now just think i should move into action - kinda scary really just how different i am to them, and how unempathic i sometimes find them...

oh well, in another 48 hours, who knows what things will look like...

nite xx

ps also it's been a while since i had contact with a certain someone (actually 2 certain someones) and i feel kinda lonely tonight...probably just tired, but yeah, definitely a bit of loneliness present...:-(

Blues...

go down in a tight one :-( really hoped we would bag a win especially after I sat out in freezing cold watching my Bullies (NRL) team get beaten by Canberra...

aarrgghh...oh well, guess them's the breaks?

otherwise a lovely day...walk, brekkie, shower, hair colour, cut and blowdry, eyebrow attendance and then drove to Canberra...yummy shepherds pie before NRL with my Dad...

have decided on giving myself more options....as it relates to the big decision...which cannot be too far off now...

realised too that I really don't like the venue of the GM job...mmmm! but a part of me feels that I can't make a decision based on location....or can I?

of course it wouldn't be entirely location, but also potential boss....had a conversation with her yesterday that left me doubting myself and feeling like 'I'm not good enough'....not exactly a resounding yes!!

soooo lots to think about...possibly time for a proper list, not just one in my head...!

will recount dream about the unmentionable one in another post...suffice it to say: interesting and involved me hanging up on him!!

ok, bed beckons...

nite x

where are my glasses?

yep, that seems to be a fairly standard question that i find myself asking, even though i can SEE!

it's weird! good weird, but weird all the same, to not have to wear glasses when you have done so for 30 years...

freeing, cool, makes me feel sexy, more confident and most of all, i can see without them!

played tennis for first time today since the surgery and it went A ok...really it's WAY better for sport! no trying to adjust to the vision as you move your head!

so i wonder how long it will take for me not to look for my glasses, not to go to push them up my nose, not to wonder where i've left them...

guess it could take a while! in the meantime, it's all good....i am just LOVING the new glass free me!

nite x

ah offspring...

and you know i am NOT talking about children, well not my own anyway, coz i don't have any...

nope, talking about one of my FAVE aussie dramas which started again tonight and it was laugh out loud hilarious!

lines such as 'it's not some american self actualisation ritual' and 'fucked relationship archive'...seriously love this show! love her...she is such a nut job...and i can soooo relate to that!

sooo, my 'fucked relationship archive' may well be coming to an end...the 'blip' with Chris last week (who from now on i may call dickhead or bastard or even self centred one...yep i like that best) now seems like a distant memory and as i was making a cup of tea tonight it occurred to me that in fact my life is way more peaceful without him in it...in a nice way

i love not expecting to see his name (actually, his number, his name hasn't been in my phone for some time now...) come up on my phone, i love that i know that pretty much unless i make contact (which i won't be again...i won't, really) he won't make contact and there is comfort in knowing that...

there is even more comfort in knowing that i am probably no longer of any interest to him and whilst that might have been hurtful previously, now it is something like relief i guess...see, even if he was interested in me he's not available, he's self centered, he's arrogant and it's ALL about him...

i soooooo don't want to be with someone like that...nope, in fact just writing this has prompted me to go find that 'list', you know, the one i wrote a week after my breakup with Ben (which now seems like it was forever ago), the one where i was VERY clear about what it is i want in a man...

yep, gotta find that list!

DSM IV...

yep, a conversation with Chris and a subsequent armchair 'diagnosis' of him by my therapist means that it would be wise for me to review the DSM IV before my date in Wednesday...

and what for you might be asking? and that would be an excellent question!!
well, seems in the past I have been attracted to emotionally unavailable men....or that's what I thought...but on closer inspection actually i think that the more likely reality is that mostly they seem to be quite selfish and really only interested in their own wellbeing...

not good!! scary too that when I think about it really, seems that for some of them, and in particular Chris ("it's not all about you you know" and I'll ask you to do something for me but don't be thinking I'll do anything for you)...narcissistic seems like an appropriate label (even as I type that a part if me in cringing as you know I prefer not to use the label)...

so I'm gonna be well familiar with the DSM IV definition before Wed night...

no more self centered, emotionally unavailable narcissists for me...

nope, I am DONE with that pattern!!

nite x

over it...

being single that is....and over beating myself up...wondering what it must mean about me that i haven't met someone yet...

it's been like this for ages...but only now am i starting to really be honest about it, and feel comfortable enough to blog about it...

maybe i'm too crazy, a bit too obsessive at times, maybe i'm not a nice person (nah, don't believe that), maybe i'm just not meant to be with someone...dunno really, but sometimes, i think there must be good reasons for me not having met my 'mr right' yet...

i'm also over the me of old who let people like Chris in...and trusted them and attempted to create intimacy where there could be none...

yep, over it...well and truly...

sooo looking forward to this weeks 'date'...and even if it goes nowhere, it's a sign that i'm out there and looking...

so universe if you are listening, or watching on wednesday night, please see my signal to you that i'm ready...thank you !

ps you owe me (reminder to write about this little conversation next time if i didn't already elude to it the other night!)

no hiding...

that's how this last week has been for me...

no glasses to hide behind

no makeup to hide under

nope, just me...out there for the world to see...and I have really embraced it!!

interestingly my inclination was to hole up and avoid seeing people thinking that without my veneer I might struggle

but instead it has been a little bit empowering...honestly I have never thought of myself as attractive, thinking that the veneer of the makeup made me the person I was

turns out I could not have been more wrong!! I have found that part of me that I think I have been looking for for so long this week

turns out she's lovely...and it has NOTHING to do with makeup?!?!

who would have thought it??

so I kinda like it actually...maybe this person us the real me??

she's nice, I hope she stays :-)

calling Dr Freud...

OMG i had the weirdest dream last night! no doubt it was as a result of me recounting to my therapist the 'ending' with Chris only yesterday...

so i guess you could say he was top of mind (but not in the way he was previously...just in a passing thought, kinda like a cloud, sort of a way)...

so i wake up this morning wondering where i am and what on earth i just saw...goes something like this:

i seem to be having tea with 2 people...the first is a girl i used to work with at the former employer and the other is his wife (of course I have no idea what his wife actually looks like, but i know it's her because her name is xxxx)

they look quite glamorous and go on to tell me that they are just back from having some photo shoot for a magazine and it cost them $1,000 each to be made up and photographed...weird! the first of these girls (i.e. not his wife) is not an attractive girl in reality and would not be seen DEAD in a photo shoot...as for his wife, well i have no idea, but the one photo i have seen of her ain't that flattering...in the dream she has very dark curly hair (i'm certain she does not have this sort of hair in reality...)...

hmmmm??

so even as this dream is unfolding i sure i am rolling my eyes wondering where it will go next...

so next, enter Chris! imagine that, him, me, his wife and some other random person i haven't thought about in 2 years...and not, i had no drugs last night, recreational or otherwise....

so in the next scene xxxx's hair has changed! it's no longer dark and curly but more blonde now (not white blonde) and in a shortish bob (stylish - actually, a nice hairstyle)...and the other girl is still there and we are in a bar with him asking me where i'd like to sit...

so i choose the sofa (i do love a sofa) and we sit down but he is avoiding eye contact with me...it's funny, my therapist said to me yesterday that he likes me to be invisible (don't tell anyone we know each other, don't talk about me to other people etc etc like there is a gag order in place, more likely, that even though he won't admit it, he's ashamed to be in contact with me?) and this is absolutely what is going on is this particular scene...so as i'm being invisible i observe his behaviour towards the wife (he doesn't seem to know the other person...which of course, if he did, would totally spin me out!)

he is demanding (no surprises there), likes to be the centre of attention and is basically telling her that she'll need to drive because he plans on getting drunk...basically i think back to what he said on the fateful night (even in the dream i find myself doing this) where he said that men love women like me but they don't marry me...guess i'm not doormat material and i should be bloody relieved about that!

and then in the next scene we are suddenly walking down the road - me and Chris up front, and his wife and this other person behind, and before you know it, his hand reaches across to touch my breast...but he's not obvious about it and still he doesn't talk to me...

then i wake up! man, what a complete spin out! calling Dr Freud...of course, i'll have a go at analysing it myself coz you know i love the dream analysis, but seriously...

so my initial reaction was simply to see it as an affirmation of my decision, that in behaving as he did (in the dream) it simply re-affirmed my feelings about him and why i had to make the decision i did, and to remind me that HE is just so not the sort of person i want to be wasting any time on...

now another little interesting observation/fact: historically when i am 'not over someone' (not that i even like that expression, but when i still have feelings for them) i tend not to dream about them, but as soon as i no longer feel any emotional attachment they turn up in my dreams....

and this is the first time he's turned up in my dream looking like him and behaving like him...previously, and i think he has only starred in one previous dream (and he did NOT look like him), it really wasn't him....

so, guess that is just another sign that i am over it, over him and over his shit...

yay for dreams!

fuck...

yep, fuck is about it! i am SOOOO very annoyed with myself (i know i know i should be kinder to myself - it's what i'm always telling my clients), but seriously, WTF?

so knowing that Chris isn't a frequent user of FB, i am surprised to see him on 'live chat' (you know, that box that comes up on the RHS when you log in telling you which of your friends is online)....and instead of just ignoring this, it's like an instinctive reaction (do i need reaction if i say instinctive? maybe not...) to send him a message...

so no sooner have i hit send and a text msg from him comes in asking if i've sent him a 'strange' message! i tell him no, wasn't strange, just that i thought it strange that he was on FB as i thought he didn't do FB...he tells me his son doesn't know me! and i sit here shaking my head until i realise he thinks i've sent his son an FB chat message (as if i would do such a thing)...i tell him i don't know his son (duh!)...and i'm well, thanks for asking (he really is such a self centred prick at times...not at times, pretty much always really - see next post about whacko dream he starred in last night)...

he then asks me how i am - i say great, can see etc etc - then he says (and i love this - actually i don't but you get what i mean?) 'i have a bone to pick with you...how come the restaurant choice was means tested last week?'...i have absolutely NO idea what he is on about and tell him that...he says why did he have to pay for dinner last week and that as a result of me suggesting he buy dinner for Mark (the other friend from the fateful evening) and I that Mark made him pay for everything all night....so i'm wondering (as you would) why he doesn't pick that bone with Mark coz really, it has NOTHING to do with me...

but i wonder if my lack of interest in this conversation (he will be noticing a distinct change in my tone from previous 'interactions') has made him feel he wants to go on with it...

so anyway, it's almost too boring to recount the rest of the conversation which as usual ended abruptly, no doubt he got caught up in his 'other life'....but the gist of it was that 'he thinks i owe him'....can you believe that? i owe him? what a joke....it must be fabulous to be him! to be so naive about the impact you have on others, to be so unaware of the audacity of that statement...

but really, the 'fuck' title of this post is more about me and my own disappointment - and it is disappointment! only 24 hours on from recounting my 'ending' with him to Sal (my therapist) and i find myself compelled to make contact when i saw his name come up on FB...

so, should i unfriend him? of course that will eliminate him from my friend list, but really, is it going to actually make a difference?

i was (and am, actually) soo resolved last week so i guess it took me by surprise..but the good thing is that, despite this, i didn't feel the same pull i had previously...a vague passing interest perhaps, but that's it...

of course, i guess he was front of mind today, not only because i recounted the story to Sal yesterday, but then also because he starred in my dream last night...so i had been contemplating the whole thing today, and i remain VERY happy with the decision and i KNOW it's the right one...but hey, occasionally nostalgia creeps in...

anyway, the good news is this: i didn't feel really that inclined to converse with him, i no longer try and see the good in anything he says (coz frankly, from where i'm standing, there ain't any good)....and so perhaps i will be kind to myself and simply see it as a little blip...

nothing major, nothing really worthy of talking about...a blip...

too tired...

to write a proper post!

got period today which explains why the last few days i have been an eating machine! of course it's not easy to keep a track of periods which seem to come and go as they please...my head is firmly in the sand about all of this and even though i probably should go see someone about it all, i really don't want to...besides, what are they gonna tell me? and it's not like i want to have a baby...so does it really matter?

my eyes are definitely starting to feel more 'normal' whatever that is, and today was much better than yesterday where i felt like i had fuck eye all day...another good nights sleep i hope and then only 1 more day until makeup and i can get re-acquainted! and it's been interesting...since i was 18 (so 24 years) i have NOT gone without makeup for this long...and don't get me wrong, other than the fact that i look a little paler and my eyes don't stand out as much, not a soul has noticed! all my good friends reckon i look no different, and it has forced me to be me and not hid...

so no glasses and no makeup has been something of a shock to me and it has been quite a nice experience actually to just be 'out there'....

speaking of 'out there', i am sooo not happy to be out there in the dating world again....i'm dabbling in the various online options (none seem to be that good to be honest - guess '42' when you are a chic ain't that appealing to a lot of men...) - and honestly, if there are old, fat, not attractive men why do they think i would be interested in them? sure they might be nice and if i met them in a bar or thru friends and we 'hit it off' that could work, but when my first impression is thru a screen and their photo is a shocker, seriously, who are they fucking kidding???

that aside, through another medium, i have a 'date' next wednesday! not a great day for it really as i will have delivered an all day team building session (although i typically feel very good after doing them coz i love it so much)....we'll see! he's 42 (what a bonus, he's actually my age)...apparently runs his own business, has 1 child from a previous marriage (unsure if he wants more) and obviously isn't put off by me being 42...

and finally, before i hit the sack (man, it's not even 9.30pm and i am well and truly ready for bed...sigh) i must mention my therapist! a coupla sessions ago she asked if i thought our therapy was working...hmmmm, i always thought it was or i wouldn't have kept going...and today i think she knows it is!

so many amazing things have happened for me in the last 10 days - so i'll list them so as not to forget and post about them later:

a) flicked Chris
b) tested out my boundaries with boss to be (with GREAT results)
c) did well in psych assessments
d) think job is mine, only time uncertain
e) enjoying a nicer relationship with my sister but am not feeling responsible for apologising for the in between
f) not enjoying a good relationship with my mum but not feeling guilty about it
g) oh and the most courageous thing: had my eyes lasered!

sooo, all in all, loads of great stuff for me...and what feels like the culmination of many many years of hard work on myself...

feel good! feel confident! feel much more certain and for the first time ever i have a voice and am not afraid to use it!

yay me!

ok, bed is calling...nite x

friends...

i'm just so fortunate to have the group of friends that i have...

they're all pretty different and when they come together i wonder if they'll get on - coz mostly, the only thing they have in common, is me...

but you know, i was having a great chat to one of them tonight about vulnerability (a subject i have long been working on with my therapist) and she is having some similar issues, and i realised that since Chris turned up last year, i have ventured into being vulnerable with them (and him, but as you know that didn't go so well...) and it's been great...

to be able to share, rather than hide, my true feelings and what was going on for me, to know they wouldn't judge me but rather, listen, offer advice and be there to support me, no matter which decision i made, and basically to not have to go thru it all on my own...

yep, seems i may have turned the corner on not being able to be vulnerable - and you know what? not only have i felt better, but my friendships with these amazing women (and i say women, coz even though i have one amazingly good male friend...he's been overseas for all of this stuff so haven't really had the chance to discuss it with him) have become so much better...

deeper, more real, authentic even (and i know, some people don't like that word)...and all because i gave more of myself...

amazing really, well not really - coz giving more we get more and i know this, but i guess i have been so afraid to 'give more' of myself in relationships due to my history...

i love it when we try something new, when we venture into the unknown and adopt a courageous approach and even if we only put our big toe in that water, at least we do...

sooo it would seem the tide has turned! vulnerability (as well as grey) is the new black! and i'm loving it!

so to my wonderful friends, thank you - thank you for being you, for being there, for being here for me, for letting me learn to be vulnerable with you, and for our friendship...you ALL mean the world to me

nite x

shoulda...

made the decision ages ago!! easy to say in hindsight, isn't it always??

no point beating myself up for taking as long as I did....important thing is decision is made now and I feel good about it...for so long I thought I would feel as though I were giving something up, but really I had given up my power and freedom all along and just couldn't see it....

he's gone and honestly, it's better...

it really is!

no more wondering if he'll make contact

no more disappointment when he says he will but he doesn't

just my life...

lovin' that :-)

nite xx

the point of no return...

yep, i reached that on tuesday last week and i just got to thinking about why on earth it took so long?

but then of course, in an attempt not to judge myself or be harsh on myself, i think it's best to just observe what happened, rather than think about it in terms of 'how it should have been' or 'how i could have done it better'...we are often so harsh on ourselves, which in reality, doesn't help us get through what we need to get through!

so i got there...not until he was so rude, but i did and honestly, it has been so liberating...and don't get me wrong, it's not like pushing a button in your head where you no longer think about them, or entertain what might have been, but the reality of knowing that it's never gonna happen and that he really is NOT the person you want (or thought) him to be...that actually helps ;-)

so it's been kinda good since tuesday...has freed up plenty of time for me to think about other stuff, not the least of which is the potentially big career decision that surely must be coming soon....and in typical me fashion i'm all over the shop!

some days i think yep, i'm gonna take it, other days i'm torn with just how much i'd be giving up, some days i ponder how nice it would be to earn that much money and not have to worry about where the next dollar is coming from, other times i wonder what she will expect that money to buy...

it's all a bit up in the air, but with him at least, the point of no return has been passed...probably a good job he had a bad day tuesday and chose to take it out on me...otherwise who knows where things might have ended up!

up then down...

yep, down is how i am feeling this morning...

not really down, not i wanna curl up and die down, just meh...

not surprising really! it's been a big few days emotionally and of course the anxiety around eye surgery will have played it's part...so perhaps i'm just tired and contemplative today, but i can tell you, the euphoria that was yesterday has well and truly dissipated...don't get me wrong, i'm still THRILLED to bits with the results of said eye surgery...just did my first walk without the need for glasses (wore sunnies of course)...and everything was so much clearer, colours seemed more vibrant and brighter somehow...:-)

and there's no logical reason for it...of course, i'm not a very logical person, so not much i do or experience is logical, but i guess from the outside looking in, there probably isn't much cause for what's going on...and even as i type that i wonder WTF? who CARES how it all might look from the outside (guess a part of me does care, or has cared previously, so i'm learning not to...)...

so methinks it's gonna be a slow old day, which might not be a bad thing really! perfect day for couch and footy but of course my footy team are on tomorrow! of course i still have Season 2 of Being Erica to watch so that could well get a run out...

happy mothers day x

a new start

so it would seem that not just my eyes have been given a new start this week...

wondering if the giving up of the childhood fantasy and the laser eye surgery were always destined to almost co-incide?? metaphorically that kinda makes a lot of sense...I can see clearly now etc etc

seems that clarity is the order of the week :-) can't be unhappy about that!!
speaking of destiny, now that I am no longer pre-occupied with the dreams of that boy from my past I wonder if my true destiny will now make itself known?

might be time for a reading!?!?

anyway whatever is in store I'm sure it's going to be fantastic...as I said to my friend Leah earlier today I feel as though I am at the edge of something good :-)

at least it can no longer be described as blind optimism?!?!

nite xx

seeing is believing...

yep, so after much nervousness last night and this morning, at about 10am today i went under the laser! can't say it was an enjoyable experience and in fact i felt sooooo woeful for about 3 hours afterwards that i was wondering what on earth i had done...

but, i can see! without glasses for the first time in 30 years and the pain has all but gone, it's not itchy or gritty (not yet anyway, and perhaps it won't be) and other than feeling exhausted i'm good...

i have clearance to drive tomorrow but i'll wait and see how i feel and i can enjoy my first walk ever sans glasses...yay!

been an interesting day too with the big decision...turns out i did ok in the psych assessments (well, unofficially i have been told this) so of course that will mean a certain job offer in coming weeks, and for me, that means a decision

a big one too...not just a 'shall i take the job' but 'in taking the job what am i leaving behind?'...and that's why it's difficult...it'll break my heart to leave behind this little business that i love but i know there is so much to be gained from this role and everything it will offer me, not the least of which is feeling a part of something other than me and the financial security...oh, and the added bonus of not having to make sales in order to get paid!

but i'm torn...sooo a great conversation last night with a possible colleague and she suggests me talking to her hubby - he's a coach! of course as a coach you think i would have done that, but seriously, how many hairdressers do you know that have great hair?? how many mechanics have broken down cars littering their front yards? yep, so i hadn't made the move, but now i have and at 5pm Monday i'll be having a coaching session with him, and if he's anywhere near as good a coach as me, then i'll come away feeling clearer....

of course i'm exhausted so the next statement should be read with that in mind...i'm a bit sad tonight! not really sad, just tired sad and wishing that i had someone to share my life with sad...see today i was pretty brave! i never thought i would get my eyes lasered, not just because of the unlikely possibility it could go wrong and i could end up blind, but because it is going to force me to see myself differently and be that person i know myself to be...no more hiding behind my glasses, using them as a security blanket! no siree, i'm going to be out there for the world to see...

and sure that's appealing, but it's bloody daunting too...

i'd also be nice to have someone (someone intimate i mean, someone more important to me than my fabulous friends, and please don't think that my friends aren't so very very important and dear to me) to talk over this decision with...and of course it's the weekend, so it'd be nice to have someone to hang out with, drink tea with, go for a walk with, maybe see a movie with, have dinner with etc...sigh

i'm a bit over being single! good news is, i do have a plan....

and Chris was NEVER someone i thought would fit this bill, not in reality anyway, but now that he is no longer even a fantasy, i guess it has left a bit of a hole...and don't get me wrong coz i am very happy with my decision, slightly less happy with the fact that i didn't go through with what i thought i wanted to say, but that might be good - sometimes going with the flow and not over thinking it all...but as a result of me not doing that, the door has been open for us to be friends, and i'm just not sure we can be, or that i want to be, or that he is capable of that...anyway, that's for another time...i'm just lonely is all, mainly tired!

ok, so on that note, bed is calling...i'm going to rest these weary eyes and man are they tired after what they have been through today - i won't recount that experience now but suffice it to say, i do NOT want to go thru it again anytime soon...it was not pleasant!....

nite x

enjoyin' the ride...

yep, today has been a bit of a ride...so much to do in an attempt to prepare for my few days off...

i'm having my eyes lasered in less than 12 hours! fuck! excited, nervous, wondering if i'll be happy, wondering if when it's done i'll wonder why i didn't do it years ago (my best friend, Sara, who's had it done, reckons that's exactly how i'll feel)...

been a funny old day emotionally too...seems that the decision on tuesday night, executed (in part) yesterday has been at the forefront of my mind, but not in the way 'he' was previously in my mind...

no pull, no sexual undertow, no feelings of what if...just a realisation that it's over, and i can move on with my life...

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't sad, coz a part of me is, but i'm not sure what for exactly...and certainly i'm grieving but i wonder if i'm actually just missing the excitement and the drama, and whether that lack of attention is what i think i'm grieving, rather than the loss of him or the fantasy i had built him into?

dunno really...but what i do know is this: firstly, i think i'm happy not to have had to use my pre meditated script on him via text (it was 'go fuck with someone else's head, i'm done'...see it's not really me to do things like that, and that should be a sign in itself...that i felt compelled to talk like that to him says a lot about the 'relationship' with him and the sort of person i became around him...

secondly, i do feel freer and happier since having made the decision...of course, it begs the question 'why the fuck did it take soooo long?' but hey, everything takes time and sometimes what appears obvious to everyone else, is not always so clear to us...being inside of something or at least 'in it' is very different to looking in from a far...

but now, i feel as though perhaps, i too, am looking at it all with some distance, and aren't i lovin' that?

sooo today has had it's ups and downs...mainly ups! and now as i prepare to go to bed i feel pretty good...

next post: how to change a bad experience into a great one! yep, it's true - i heard, unofficially, that i blitzed the psychometric assessment...you know, the one i was soooooo worried about...

more on that later...

nite xx

free, sad and optimistic...

mmm that's how I feel tonight...

in my head it's done

the fantasy seems to breathe no more

he called, we talked, I told him 'I'm done' and so just like that, this chapter is closed, well sort of...

conflicting emotions but seems the primary feeling is one of relief

ah

sooo very wrong...

how could i have been so wrong about him?

so friday he sends a msg saying i apologise and will make it up to you...today i get 'so?'....i go back with 'so what?' assuming that his apology was genuine so believing (obviously mistakenly, that the ball is in his court...that he needs to make amends)....and eventually he says (and i quote): 'i'm not trying to make it up to u...reality check more like'....

fuck, how could i have been so gullible, how could i have taken his word, how have i spent so long thinking i wanted to have some sort of relationship with him, even though the sort of relationship was never clear?

fuck, seriously, how could i have been so stupid, so blind, all in the hope of clinging onto a childhood fantasy!

how frightening that i have allowed this to happen...yep, the mature thing to do is to acknowledge my role in all of this...seriously, how have i managed to do this?

so as i sit here somewhat shell shocked (and i am, honestly, i can't describe it any other way) and try and work through my feelings (they are confusing, so consequently i can't articulate where i am at) i am struck by how brutal he has been....and how could i not have seen that before now?

sure, he wouldn't have wanted me to see it when he thought he might get me into bed so maybe i just fell right into his little trap, his game...but now, seems a horrible streak (which admittedly i have seen once before) has emerged....

so i was wrong...it's true, i was, despite me wishing it might be otherwise, despite me clinging onto the dream of another time...

i was wrong, so very very wrong :-(

i'm busy...

yep, it's an expression that somehow makes me feel awful...

i woke up with a start this morning...i often do when i have a lot on my mind...and in addition to waking up with a start i had a headache (same one from last night), a sore throat and generally felt awful...not just physically! i woke up sure that he would have made contact, but no...

sooo i'm disappointed, despite not being surprised - as IF he's going to make time to get in contact now that i am no longer some little thing he can just 'play' with...why would i be so naive?

of course, if he is true to form, he will eventually make contact and tell me he's been busy...so i observed my thoughts and feelings when i started to think about this...then a friend i play an online game with, sent through a decline, and the feeling got worse...i went from disappointed to the bottom of some pit in a nano second...

good job i was already in observation mode, meaning, this quick slide did NOT go unnoticed :-(

hmmmm interesting! so when someone tells me they are busy, i have obviously made it into something about me and on a cellular level it is present...and man, i gotta tell you how bloody limiting that is, and how much i ride the wave of other people's lives...when really, just because they are busy, why should that impact me?

and yet it does....it always has! actually, that can't be true, there must be a time when it didn't, but of course i can't remember that...

so now i'm on a path to get to the bottom of this (this is one thing i love about self discovery, despite how challenging, and at times painful and confronting, it can be)...and to not let other people's busyness impact me....not gonna be easy, but where would be the fun in that?

trying hard

not to let my people pleasing perfectionistic streak drive me today...

am not moving towards....am not

really, I'm not!! gonna do something different and see what happens...

wondering if the fear of 'what if' will take a hold?

determined not to let it!!!

determined

chasing disappointment...

so in fact, the title of this post was a combination of the two themes i wanted to write about today, and then as i was typing it, i realised that keeping my hope of Chris alive is actually just that....chasing disappointment!

funny sometimes how that happens!

so chasing was referring to the 3rd episode of Being Erica where the thing that struck me most was her therapist saying (about her) 'chasing her past, she stumbles into her future'...and oh how i want that to be true for me...not necessarily with Chris, but seems right now, i AM chasing the past with him...

and then there was the disappointment of his hollow words...yep, should have known better than to expect him to follow thru...last words from him were 'can we chat monday? i'm sorry if i hurt your feelings, i will make it up to u'....

interesting that the disappointment hasn't been so bad...coz in fact, when you EXPECT someone to not follow through, it really isn't as disappointing as expecting them to and then realising they won't...

this, at least, is familiar territory with him...he so rarely does what he says he will do that i've come to not rely on it...wish it were so yes, but expect it...nah

so as i ponder my emotional state this evening (fragile, prone to tears, a sense of endings and new beginnings all rolled into one) it occurs to me that since the day he turned up i have been chasing disappointment...

coz seriously, where else can this go? he's married, he hurt me, he doesn't care about me the way i want to be cared about (as a friend or anything else), he's not a good friend, he's arrogant, he has all these platitudes and 'lines' that i'm sure impress some people, but i see right through them and as i hear them over and over they make me just want to scream, he's a narcissist (or maybe he's just terribly insecure and this is the front?), either way, i don't really like it...and worse, there's the way i feel when i'm with him...drawn into this sexual thing and desperate for his approval, desperate for him to tell me that he loves me...and yet, even if he did, it changes NOTHING....

sooo this chasing disappointment is getting old, it's boring, it's getting in my way....and it's getting me nowhere closer to where i want to be...simply put, it's disappointing...

willpower...

yep, have managed to curtail any urges to text him in the last few days...

seems I really need to see what his next move is going to be, even if it is nothing...(actually a part of me is hoping for this move)

seems that for the FIRST time in this 'relationship' with him I find myself not moving towards him (yay me)

and you know? it's not that bad...more importantly it's going to make it very very easy to work out what he's really like...

so sitting on my hands may well be a very useful way of fact finding!!

nite x

being sarah...

is bloody hard some days...

soo it's been a roller coaster few days...and following the recommendation from one of my dearest friends, I sourced Seasons 1 & 2 of Being Erica...funny, as she was describing it to me, she gasped and said 'OMG she's kinda like you...'

needed no further introduction, so a coupla phone calls yesterday and i found both seasons in the same store, and picked them up today...

funny, i love shows that talk to me! that seem just right for where i am at in my life (SATC, Eli Stone are probably 2 of the most notable)...and this seems no different...

the first episode made me cry - a comment her therapist made at the end 'other people's opinions are always going to matter, they just don't matter as much as your own' really made me think...it's true, as i eluded to in an earlier post, i have spent the large majority of my life worrying about other people think about me, and not factoring what i think into the equation...time for that to change methinks...

the second episode also made me cry (i'm emotional tonight, that's true, but then again, every episode of Eli Stone made me cry) but again got me to thinking...comment I can most relate to is 'the path you are on, the choices you make, define who you are'...

interestingly, i am faced with a whole stack of choices right now and some of them are clearer than others...the thing that saddens me is that what he did to me was not my choice and no matter how much i believe everything happens for a reason, i can't find a reason for that to have been my destiny...i just can't...so sure, some of you will say that i had a choice about how i dealt with it, but that isn't entirely true either...sad thing is i buried the memory of what happened between us for 25 years because it was too painful...so in fact, sure i may have a choice now, but it's pretty bloody hard to find out something 25 years after the event, and find a way to weave that into your life and sense of self...

truth of it is, i don't think i've done that yet, and perhaps that's why he had to show up...perhaps that's why i'm still trying to work through it all...and perhaps that's why my fantasy about him (which has been present for 30 years) seems to much more real to me...

ah fuck, i wonder when this will get easier...

the consensus might shock you...

but it seems that the handful of friends i have confided in regarding the Chris situation (and we are NOT talking very many people at all, for obvious reasons...) are of one view....

drum roll please.....

that instead of letting the fantasy of a 13 year old girl drive me, i should sleep with him (yep, you read it correctly) so that i know for sure whether i like him or not, or whether the desire to sleep with him (well maybe someone, not necessarily him, he just seems like an obvious option) is just something i had built into something that bears absolutely NO resemblance to reality...

hmmmm, interesting concept! and don't get me wrong, i have absolutely considered this...

i have...over and over, and honestly, i can't decide on whether i think it's a good idea (so i have some actually information rather than the fictional movie playing in my head) or whether it is definitively a BAD idea and one i should not even entertain...

confused really...honest answer is this: could i feel any worse than i already do? if i go into it with my eyes open and on my terms (i.e. as per one friends recommendation 'tell him it's a test and if he's good you'll consider what next'...as if he'll perform well under those circumstances!) and consider it an evidence gathering mission (funny, can't say i've really thought about sex in those terms before, but hey, desperate times require desperate measures right?)...

sooo the consensus is in, i'm just not on board with it yet...

thought it might make interesting (or frustrating depending on which way you look at it) reading...

racking my brains

trying to work out who left that comment?

could have been him? nah

peter?

patrick?

MJ?

or perhaps it's a random reader who stumbled across my ramblings...

on the other hand, I get a feeling this person knows me as there is a degree of exasperation in their comment...sounds mysteriously like a guy i know through work, but he's a) in a remote place with no internet access and b) doesn't know blog address...

mmmm wonder if I will ever know?

it sure is buggin' me!