that's how i am...
tired, exhausted actually if my acupuncturist is right, he says there is NOTHING left in my tank :-( and he hasn't known me to be this tired for a long time...guess last weeks events and the gastro the week before and this weeks sinus infection (that i'm hoping to keep at bay with some Aldi herbal sinus tablets) has got the better of my poor old body...
and packed too! yep, packed for my weekend in Brisbane and very happy with clothing options, especially since in the process i tried on a LOT of my old clothes and guess what? they all fit...well all except one pair of pants that were always only a skinny pair of pants, everything fits - how nice to have a whole new (old new) wardrobe available to me...
sooo bed now, hopefully a good nights sleep and then a coupla days with my friend Nat...
go Blues! can't watch you Saturday nite but i'll be checking the score on my iphone (did i mention i LOVE my iphone?) and i am packing my scarf coz if you win i'll be wearing it proudly around Brisbane on Sunday...
nite x
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
can you be a failure as a client?
honestly, can you?
this is a post that isn't going to be as funny as the title might indicate...of course if you aren't laughing then either you don't find me funny (it's ok, some people don't) or maybe it's a little too close to home...
so today i head back to my therapist, seems that for the duration i am going weekly...which is one of my many 'plans' in the period between now and when (and if) the big job becomes a reality (not that i won't have time for therapy then but i will be limited to weekends rather than mid week session)...and the reason for going weekly is that the events of the weekend before last, driven by the seemingly immovable fantasy of one young Sarah, were so difficult for me that i have decided i need to confront them head on and really work through them...
and now, during my very own 'holding pattern', seems like as good a time as any...so today was supposed to be the day we 'talked' to my 13 year old self, the one who was hurt and the one who still holds this 'boy' (and i say boy, coz when i formed this fantasy, he was a boy) out as someone she wants in her life, someone she thinks she loves, and someone she wants to be loved by....
but of course i had different plans...almost as soon as my bum hit the chair, i started off by recounting a phone call with my mother...and i made this little thing last for almost half of the session and even though i know i need to focus on the 'other stuff' i just wasn't that keen to go there...
but my therapist wasn't fooled - some time into my recounting of said phone call with the female parent, she says to me 'are you sure you want to be talking about this?' and honestly, i'm not...i tell her i'm not...she then asks about the 'suggestion' from last week (her suggestion to do some empty chair work with my 13 year old self...the suggestion that even as she is saying it, she knows will test me, and which she quickly follows with 'i'm sure you'll consider not coming back'...)....
so she asks me if i want our therapy to be a place where i can talk about Chris, about the fantasy, about the hold it has over me, about the compulsion it seems to feed somewhere in me...and i say yes, wholeheartedly i do because i do want to be able to feel better about it...not have the derailing kind of events, and one day to not see a black 4WD Mercedes that makes my heart skip a beat...:-( when i'm feeling sad and lonely (not too often) i don't want to walk into the street, and fantasise that he's there waiting for me, to tell me that he loves me...
i just don't want that crap in my life anymore...i am done! but of course i'm not really, so the therapy is my way of getting there...
so eventually i get comfortable enough to tell her the reason that i have babbled on today in the hope that she would have forgotten about the empty chair...i tell her that the reason i don't want to do it, is because i don't think i'll be good at it...
there, it's out! a weight feels lifted off my shoulders and as always, she is a little surprised - seems that i am a client with multiple layers (i have some of these myself, clients that is) and whilst our therapeutic relationship has come a long long way, it seems there is still something i haven't shared with her...and this is it...
fuck, when i write it, it's kinda sad! who is afraid of not being good at something in therapy? afraid of being a failure as a client....
sooo it's out...i really don't like failing, or looking like failing or even there being a hint that i haven't got my shit together...and no wonder really, old habits die hard...
sooo my homework this week is simply to observe just how hard i work in relationships (even when i may not want to) and just how available i am (case in point re Chris)....
gonna be a lot of observing goin' on this week!
and now to bed...
ps dream last night was bloody weird, not enough time to do it justice but essentially it was a conversation between me and Chris, i was asking him for something for me, he agreed, but it wasn't him physically...it was AL (a guy i had a crush on years ago)....
this is a post that isn't going to be as funny as the title might indicate...of course if you aren't laughing then either you don't find me funny (it's ok, some people don't) or maybe it's a little too close to home...
so today i head back to my therapist, seems that for the duration i am going weekly...which is one of my many 'plans' in the period between now and when (and if) the big job becomes a reality (not that i won't have time for therapy then but i will be limited to weekends rather than mid week session)...and the reason for going weekly is that the events of the weekend before last, driven by the seemingly immovable fantasy of one young Sarah, were so difficult for me that i have decided i need to confront them head on and really work through them...
and now, during my very own 'holding pattern', seems like as good a time as any...so today was supposed to be the day we 'talked' to my 13 year old self, the one who was hurt and the one who still holds this 'boy' (and i say boy, coz when i formed this fantasy, he was a boy) out as someone she wants in her life, someone she thinks she loves, and someone she wants to be loved by....
but of course i had different plans...almost as soon as my bum hit the chair, i started off by recounting a phone call with my mother...and i made this little thing last for almost half of the session and even though i know i need to focus on the 'other stuff' i just wasn't that keen to go there...
but my therapist wasn't fooled - some time into my recounting of said phone call with the female parent, she says to me 'are you sure you want to be talking about this?' and honestly, i'm not...i tell her i'm not...she then asks about the 'suggestion' from last week (her suggestion to do some empty chair work with my 13 year old self...the suggestion that even as she is saying it, she knows will test me, and which she quickly follows with 'i'm sure you'll consider not coming back'...)....
so she asks me if i want our therapy to be a place where i can talk about Chris, about the fantasy, about the hold it has over me, about the compulsion it seems to feed somewhere in me...and i say yes, wholeheartedly i do because i do want to be able to feel better about it...not have the derailing kind of events, and one day to not see a black 4WD Mercedes that makes my heart skip a beat...:-( when i'm feeling sad and lonely (not too often) i don't want to walk into the street, and fantasise that he's there waiting for me, to tell me that he loves me...
i just don't want that crap in my life anymore...i am done! but of course i'm not really, so the therapy is my way of getting there...
so eventually i get comfortable enough to tell her the reason that i have babbled on today in the hope that she would have forgotten about the empty chair...i tell her that the reason i don't want to do it, is because i don't think i'll be good at it...
there, it's out! a weight feels lifted off my shoulders and as always, she is a little surprised - seems that i am a client with multiple layers (i have some of these myself, clients that is) and whilst our therapeutic relationship has come a long long way, it seems there is still something i haven't shared with her...and this is it...
fuck, when i write it, it's kinda sad! who is afraid of not being good at something in therapy? afraid of being a failure as a client....
sooo it's out...i really don't like failing, or looking like failing or even there being a hint that i haven't got my shit together...and no wonder really, old habits die hard...
sooo my homework this week is simply to observe just how hard i work in relationships (even when i may not want to) and just how available i am (case in point re Chris)....
gonna be a lot of observing goin' on this week!
and now to bed...
ps dream last night was bloody weird, not enough time to do it justice but essentially it was a conversation between me and Chris, i was asking him for something for me, he agreed, but it wasn't him physically...it was AL (a guy i had a crush on years ago)....
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
is retail therapy just another form of self medication?
yep, i think it is! i used to have a very serious addiction to retail therapy - so much so that with relative ease I would, at least once a year, 'consolidate' my credit card debt...
and i've talked about my addictive tendencies previously, and for those of you who know me, you know that whilst studying to be a therapist i had to do some research on whether addiction was 'psychological' or 'physiological' and i concluded, that it was in fact, probably a bit of both...
so it seems that the incidents of last week were just too much (not gonna recount them here...i'm bored with the same old shit, bored of being consumed by someone who isn't going to turn out to be anyone special in my life, and bored with letting it get me down) and whilst in Melbourne, the slippery slope into retail therapy began...
admittedly, of late i have lost 7kgs, so there is an added incentive (like i really need one...) to shop...of course, almost the entirety of my old wardrobe now fits, so one would think that this would be a sufficient deterrent...but as a good colleague pointed out to me, no point taking my new body out in clothes that are 'no longer in fashion'....kinda made me laugh coz i am not exactly a slave to fashion!
so whilst in Myer looking for that perfect pair of jeans - you know the ones we spend almost our entire life looking for but rarely, if ever, find (or is that just me?), i not only find jeans, but 2 fabulous jackets (one grey and on my 'winter list'), and 2 fabulous winter knits (one a stunning green, and the other a wonderfully rich aubergine)...
so then sunday i go out with a friend on Sunday and she takes me to a designer store in Paddington that she has recently discovered...one silk blouse later (and some $375 i might add) we leave...she is empty handed!
and then today, after an email from one of my favourite shops announcing that their 30% sale starts today, i take myself down there to see if there is anything i fancy (and on sale)...an hour and a half of trying on almost every item of clothing in the store, i emerge with a new pant suit (gorgeous, charcoal grey), skirt (black silk), pants (another grey pair), and 4 gorgeous tops...oh dear...
that not being enough i 'duck' into DJ's thinking i'll take a look a boots, figuring that i have been so incredibly fortunate to find so many things i love in the last few days, that knee length black boots surely can't be too much of a challenge (at this point i must tell you that even though i am not fat, never really have been...i seem to struggle finding boots that do up over my calf muscles - i keep telling myself it's all the walking!)....so i walk through handbags (don't look), past stockings (all on sale, can't be arsed) to shoes, and the first thing i see is the most ADORABLE pair of Kate Spade mary jane's for a mere $650...i pick them up, imagine them on my feet and then admonish myself...
having put them back i make my way through the expensive designers to the less so, but can't help it! go back, take out the iphone and photograph the mary jane's just in case i get an urge for them at a later date...that way i can send the photo to my shoe maker in Hong Kong (they were called Karma - maybe it is karma that i get them?)...
finally as i am almost out of the expensive section i see a pair of the most stunning black knee length boots...
on closer inspection i see that they are a combination of black suede (i love) and black leather....mmmm this could be it!
so i pick them up, not bothering to look at the price, ask the assistant to get me a 37, try them on, do them up (yes, they did up relatively easily...must be the weight loss...) and i take them...in a little over 3 minutes i find and buy them...$500 later, i own a pair of fabulously sexy and glamorous Mimco boots...yay!
so now there are very few 'items' left on my winter shopping list....
mental note to self to not forget that as i am in Brisbane this weekend with a girlfriend who loves to shop and has an agenda which includes shopping all mapped out!
so if i thought i had permanently kicked my 'retail' habit, i was wrong...
maybe instead i can consider myself a recovering retail addict...i kinda like how that sounds! recovering meaning in progress, rather than recovered, past tense!...
nite x
and i've talked about my addictive tendencies previously, and for those of you who know me, you know that whilst studying to be a therapist i had to do some research on whether addiction was 'psychological' or 'physiological' and i concluded, that it was in fact, probably a bit of both...
so it seems that the incidents of last week were just too much (not gonna recount them here...i'm bored with the same old shit, bored of being consumed by someone who isn't going to turn out to be anyone special in my life, and bored with letting it get me down) and whilst in Melbourne, the slippery slope into retail therapy began...
admittedly, of late i have lost 7kgs, so there is an added incentive (like i really need one...) to shop...of course, almost the entirety of my old wardrobe now fits, so one would think that this would be a sufficient deterrent...but as a good colleague pointed out to me, no point taking my new body out in clothes that are 'no longer in fashion'....kinda made me laugh coz i am not exactly a slave to fashion!
so whilst in Myer looking for that perfect pair of jeans - you know the ones we spend almost our entire life looking for but rarely, if ever, find (or is that just me?), i not only find jeans, but 2 fabulous jackets (one grey and on my 'winter list'), and 2 fabulous winter knits (one a stunning green, and the other a wonderfully rich aubergine)...
so then sunday i go out with a friend on Sunday and she takes me to a designer store in Paddington that she has recently discovered...one silk blouse later (and some $375 i might add) we leave...she is empty handed!
and then today, after an email from one of my favourite shops announcing that their 30% sale starts today, i take myself down there to see if there is anything i fancy (and on sale)...an hour and a half of trying on almost every item of clothing in the store, i emerge with a new pant suit (gorgeous, charcoal grey), skirt (black silk), pants (another grey pair), and 4 gorgeous tops...oh dear...
that not being enough i 'duck' into DJ's thinking i'll take a look a boots, figuring that i have been so incredibly fortunate to find so many things i love in the last few days, that knee length black boots surely can't be too much of a challenge (at this point i must tell you that even though i am not fat, never really have been...i seem to struggle finding boots that do up over my calf muscles - i keep telling myself it's all the walking!)....so i walk through handbags (don't look), past stockings (all on sale, can't be arsed) to shoes, and the first thing i see is the most ADORABLE pair of Kate Spade mary jane's for a mere $650...i pick them up, imagine them on my feet and then admonish myself...
having put them back i make my way through the expensive designers to the less so, but can't help it! go back, take out the iphone and photograph the mary jane's just in case i get an urge for them at a later date...that way i can send the photo to my shoe maker in Hong Kong (they were called Karma - maybe it is karma that i get them?)...
finally as i am almost out of the expensive section i see a pair of the most stunning black knee length boots...
on closer inspection i see that they are a combination of black suede (i love) and black leather....mmmm this could be it!
so i pick them up, not bothering to look at the price, ask the assistant to get me a 37, try them on, do them up (yes, they did up relatively easily...must be the weight loss...) and i take them...in a little over 3 minutes i find and buy them...$500 later, i own a pair of fabulously sexy and glamorous Mimco boots...yay!
so now there are very few 'items' left on my winter shopping list....
mental note to self to not forget that as i am in Brisbane this weekend with a girlfriend who loves to shop and has an agenda which includes shopping all mapped out!
so if i thought i had permanently kicked my 'retail' habit, i was wrong...
maybe instead i can consider myself a recovering retail addict...i kinda like how that sounds! recovering meaning in progress, rather than recovered, past tense!...
nite x
Monday, March 28, 2011
that sucks...
yep, it sucks! it sucks that i stupidly thought that just being friends would work...
last week when i told him that i would not have an affair with him, my reasoning being that to do so would not change the past, he said 'that sucks'...
and what sucks now is that having made that clear, the communication has reverted to nothing...which is not atypical for him and not expected, but i guess it really confirms what i should have known all along...
when i was a possibility, when it appeared like he might get to have his way with me, i was appealing, and now i am not...
oh how ironic this is....most of my previous relationships (Ben and a handful of others excluded) have succumbed to this pattern, which of course, all started when he did what he did...
don't you just love the irony? now that he knows he won't get what he wants, i no longer hold any interest for him...
kinda sad really, but on the other hand, totally expected...sure i would be lying if i said i wasn't hoping that he might turn out to be different, but seriously, haven't i been hoping that since we were 12 or 13 years old?
i have...and that hope, that fantasy, that thinking that by willingly entering into a physical relationship with him, the past would somehow heal itself...nuts! crazy! somewhat deluded...if you look at it through the eyes of an adult...but when you look at it through the hurt eyes of a 12 year old girl...it makes a lot of sense...
soo 'that sucks' is right...it sucks that he did what he did, it sucks that it had such an enormous impact on me, and it sucks that in doing so, he made me think that i wasn't attractive to men unless i allowed them to have sex with me...
so sure, it must suck to him that he won't get to have an affair with me (no doubt he has a number of alternatives lined up...), coz we both know it would have been good...but really, what sucks the most is that i stopped myself from seeing him for who he is...
yep, it sucks alright...
last week when i told him that i would not have an affair with him, my reasoning being that to do so would not change the past, he said 'that sucks'...
and what sucks now is that having made that clear, the communication has reverted to nothing...which is not atypical for him and not expected, but i guess it really confirms what i should have known all along...
when i was a possibility, when it appeared like he might get to have his way with me, i was appealing, and now i am not...
oh how ironic this is....most of my previous relationships (Ben and a handful of others excluded) have succumbed to this pattern, which of course, all started when he did what he did...
don't you just love the irony? now that he knows he won't get what he wants, i no longer hold any interest for him...
kinda sad really, but on the other hand, totally expected...sure i would be lying if i said i wasn't hoping that he might turn out to be different, but seriously, haven't i been hoping that since we were 12 or 13 years old?
i have...and that hope, that fantasy, that thinking that by willingly entering into a physical relationship with him, the past would somehow heal itself...nuts! crazy! somewhat deluded...if you look at it through the eyes of an adult...but when you look at it through the hurt eyes of a 12 year old girl...it makes a lot of sense...
soo 'that sucks' is right...it sucks that he did what he did, it sucks that it had such an enormous impact on me, and it sucks that in doing so, he made me think that i wasn't attractive to men unless i allowed them to have sex with me...
so sure, it must suck to him that he won't get to have an affair with me (no doubt he has a number of alternatives lined up...), coz we both know it would have been good...but really, what sucks the most is that i stopped myself from seeing him for who he is...
yep, it sucks alright...
not sure if...
it's the week of boyfriend's past, possible PMT, uncertainty about work, or general malaise, but i have to tell you, any mojo i rediscovered the other week has (sadly) left the building...
i just feel flat...a serious case of the mean reds methinks, and i'm a wee bit annoyed coz before i sent that stupid text message and ended up somewhere i didn't want to be (consciously anyway) i was actually feeling good...
happy, contented, enjoying my life and a whole lot more positive than i feel right now...
i have noticed some of the old thinking emerge, and when things don't go quite to plan, a sense of 'oh shit, it's my fault...must be because i'm not good enough' kind of thinking...:-(
i don't like it...i feel a bit lost, without purpose, and kind of in a holding pattern...
and sure, i'm following up leads and doing the work i have to do, but it's difficult to throw myself into it when there is a BIG possibility that something else will be no longer 'in the wings' but 'real' in only 7 weeks...
but you know, 7 weeks of uncertainty (with 2 already down) feels like a long long time and a period that's gonna drag on forever...
sooo, not sure exactly what to do! of course, all of this could simply be the 'let down' from last week and me realising that at some point a farewell is in the wind...:-(
sooo Sal told me last week that she was going to say something i wouldn't like and in a way she's right: she said that i was probably in a process i needed to be in, and one that i had to go through, despite how awful it feels, in order to heal and truly move on...
sooo i am struggling a bit and hope that this process will work itself out sooner rather than later...
dinner, then meditation! yay...
i just feel flat...a serious case of the mean reds methinks, and i'm a wee bit annoyed coz before i sent that stupid text message and ended up somewhere i didn't want to be (consciously anyway) i was actually feeling good...
happy, contented, enjoying my life and a whole lot more positive than i feel right now...
i have noticed some of the old thinking emerge, and when things don't go quite to plan, a sense of 'oh shit, it's my fault...must be because i'm not good enough' kind of thinking...:-(
i don't like it...i feel a bit lost, without purpose, and kind of in a holding pattern...
and sure, i'm following up leads and doing the work i have to do, but it's difficult to throw myself into it when there is a BIG possibility that something else will be no longer 'in the wings' but 'real' in only 7 weeks...
but you know, 7 weeks of uncertainty (with 2 already down) feels like a long long time and a period that's gonna drag on forever...
sooo, not sure exactly what to do! of course, all of this could simply be the 'let down' from last week and me realising that at some point a farewell is in the wind...:-(
sooo Sal told me last week that she was going to say something i wouldn't like and in a way she's right: she said that i was probably in a process i needed to be in, and one that i had to go through, despite how awful it feels, in order to heal and truly move on...
sooo i am struggling a bit and hope that this process will work itself out sooner rather than later...
dinner, then meditation! yay...
Sunday, March 27, 2011
the age of reason part 2...
so yes, today i saw the movie that started it all for the 2nd time...mainly coz i couldn't recall the name of the piece of Mozart music that was played throughout, and because i thought Em would like it...piece of music is Mozart's Clarinet Concerto in A Major (K622)....simply beautiful
i loved it, and think that it is definitely going to be in my top 3 of all time favourite movies - it moved me so...both times and so few movies really do that...really get you to think and question who you are and reflect upon the journey we call life...and perhaps that is why on my way home i found myself wondering about whether the corporate job is actually for me??
sophie marceau was wonderful, and i enjoyed her as much the 2nd time as i did the first! and it still moved me...and whilst it did not move me to send a text this week (phew), i was still moved...and found myself thinking back to my time at college when we were learning about existentialism...
a subject that when first presented with it, i honestly could not get a grasp of...now i fully understand it and love it when i find myself in the midst of such a crisis, for after all, once we understand and embrace existentialism, isn't every concern an existential one in some way?
and what better way to spend a sunday afternoon than pondering the meaning of one's life...
ok, now i really am going to bed!
i loved it, and think that it is definitely going to be in my top 3 of all time favourite movies - it moved me so...both times and so few movies really do that...really get you to think and question who you are and reflect upon the journey we call life...and perhaps that is why on my way home i found myself wondering about whether the corporate job is actually for me??
sophie marceau was wonderful, and i enjoyed her as much the 2nd time as i did the first! and it still moved me...and whilst it did not move me to send a text this week (phew), i was still moved...and found myself thinking back to my time at college when we were learning about existentialism...
a subject that when first presented with it, i honestly could not get a grasp of...now i fully understand it and love it when i find myself in the midst of such a crisis, for after all, once we understand and embrace existentialism, isn't every concern an existential one in some way?
and what better way to spend a sunday afternoon than pondering the meaning of one's life...
ok, now i really am going to bed!
slowly does it...
seems the most apt title for today as slow was certainly how the morning began...
a good nights sleep (my first since last saturday night after sending the fateful text), and a very late start and honestly, i'm not sure if it was exhaustion or the seeming calm after the storm of the week that has been, but i just felt sad, lonely, a bit lost, and frankly bored...
as my friend Leah might say, over myself!
so i moped around for a while, had a most unsatisfactory conversation with my mother (probably should not have answered the phone...), then finally got up, had some brekky and went for a walk...
the walk, slowly but surely, got me into a better frame of mind and then, i showered and changed and made my way over to Paddington to meet up with Em...the shopping spree of Friday afternoon ($925 in Jigsaw) continued with the purchase of a beautiful silk grey top...Anna Thomas, some new Melb designer with a new Sydney store - couldn't help myself, even though it was WAY more than i would usually pay for a top! admittedly i don't have too many 100% silk tops...
have been inspired of late to dress a bit differently, which is good (yes, feeling much better about my physical self having lost nearly 7kgs...5.5 to go!), but sadly, i think this more feminine and casual way of dressing will not be appropriate should i take the 'big job'....dilemma? does one consider not taking a job because of the dress code? (i'm kidding as i write this, but i do think that how we dress is a big reflection of who we are sometimes, and i always felt constrained in a suit...so it will be a new challenge to find corporate, and yet feminine and not overly constraining clothing if it all comes together...)
interestingly, as i was driving home i started to wonder if taking the job is right for me...and i know, i'm tired, i've had an emotional week, and am bored, but honestly, i started to really wonder if it will be the right thing...is going into a senior HR role the right thing for someone who really wants to help people live happier and more fulfilling lives...even though there just doesn't seem to be enough of that sort of work to keep me busy...
it's an interesting question and one i will no doubt ponder in coming days, especially as i think 1 or my 2 committed work days this week has just been canned, can't be avoided, family funeral, but nonetheless i am disappointed...
of course i have a list as long as your arm (or mine actually) of things i really want to do...pick up lamp for Nat's hubby, look for new boots, ring ATO, finalise proposal for a client, follow up an invoice of another client, do some writing, clean house, do washing, get back to another client re a potential job, buy a new light fitting for kitchen, organise an electrician to fit it etc etc...seriously i have a gazillion things to do, so at least i shouldn't find myself too under occupied this coming week, and then it's off to Vegas on Friday...
but still, i'm struggling to get excited...and Em said to me today that she had heard it said somewhere that structure affords freedom and i think that i agree with that statement - wouldn't have before i had so much freedom, but now, sure!
and now as the day ends i am reflecting over my emotions today...slow start, improved with exercise and company, and as i typically do in the evening, i am better in my own company...mornings (especially sunday and monday) are the worst...wonder if there is something in that?
and have not heard from you know who...which of course isn't atypical and he could be in transit or predictably with his family...either way, i feel as though with each passing day that i don't hear from him, my resolve will increase...and with the silence comes both relief and something else...the something else is a feeling that as yet, i'm not able to articulate (hence the 'something else')...i think that i should stick with trying to identify what that something else is, as i'm sure it will be linked to the 13 year old girl...and perhaps in that is the key to being able to move?
ok, clean sheets on bed, so i'm going to enjoy crawling into them, picking up my Kate Atkinson and hope that tomorrow's start is not quite so slow...
nite
x
a good nights sleep (my first since last saturday night after sending the fateful text), and a very late start and honestly, i'm not sure if it was exhaustion or the seeming calm after the storm of the week that has been, but i just felt sad, lonely, a bit lost, and frankly bored...
as my friend Leah might say, over myself!
so i moped around for a while, had a most unsatisfactory conversation with my mother (probably should not have answered the phone...), then finally got up, had some brekky and went for a walk...
the walk, slowly but surely, got me into a better frame of mind and then, i showered and changed and made my way over to Paddington to meet up with Em...the shopping spree of Friday afternoon ($925 in Jigsaw) continued with the purchase of a beautiful silk grey top...Anna Thomas, some new Melb designer with a new Sydney store - couldn't help myself, even though it was WAY more than i would usually pay for a top! admittedly i don't have too many 100% silk tops...
have been inspired of late to dress a bit differently, which is good (yes, feeling much better about my physical self having lost nearly 7kgs...5.5 to go!), but sadly, i think this more feminine and casual way of dressing will not be appropriate should i take the 'big job'....dilemma? does one consider not taking a job because of the dress code? (i'm kidding as i write this, but i do think that how we dress is a big reflection of who we are sometimes, and i always felt constrained in a suit...so it will be a new challenge to find corporate, and yet feminine and not overly constraining clothing if it all comes together...)
interestingly, as i was driving home i started to wonder if taking the job is right for me...and i know, i'm tired, i've had an emotional week, and am bored, but honestly, i started to really wonder if it will be the right thing...is going into a senior HR role the right thing for someone who really wants to help people live happier and more fulfilling lives...even though there just doesn't seem to be enough of that sort of work to keep me busy...
it's an interesting question and one i will no doubt ponder in coming days, especially as i think 1 or my 2 committed work days this week has just been canned, can't be avoided, family funeral, but nonetheless i am disappointed...
of course i have a list as long as your arm (or mine actually) of things i really want to do...pick up lamp for Nat's hubby, look for new boots, ring ATO, finalise proposal for a client, follow up an invoice of another client, do some writing, clean house, do washing, get back to another client re a potential job, buy a new light fitting for kitchen, organise an electrician to fit it etc etc...seriously i have a gazillion things to do, so at least i shouldn't find myself too under occupied this coming week, and then it's off to Vegas on Friday...
but still, i'm struggling to get excited...and Em said to me today that she had heard it said somewhere that structure affords freedom and i think that i agree with that statement - wouldn't have before i had so much freedom, but now, sure!
and now as the day ends i am reflecting over my emotions today...slow start, improved with exercise and company, and as i typically do in the evening, i am better in my own company...mornings (especially sunday and monday) are the worst...wonder if there is something in that?
and have not heard from you know who...which of course isn't atypical and he could be in transit or predictably with his family...either way, i feel as though with each passing day that i don't hear from him, my resolve will increase...and with the silence comes both relief and something else...the something else is a feeling that as yet, i'm not able to articulate (hence the 'something else')...i think that i should stick with trying to identify what that something else is, as i'm sure it will be linked to the 13 year old girl...and perhaps in that is the key to being able to move?
ok, clean sheets on bed, so i'm going to enjoy crawling into them, picking up my Kate Atkinson and hope that tomorrow's start is not quite so slow...
nite
x
Saturday, March 26, 2011
x marks the spot, or should i say 'ex'...
man, this week has been dominated by interactions with ex's...
Chris, sure isn't technically an ex, but my 13 year old self sees him in that sort of a way...
Ben and I had the nicest chat during the week, the first one since we split that in fact has been easy, nice, the kind of chat 2 old friends who haven't spoken for a while might have...and i was really pleased this morning when i got a text message from him including a picture of his new puppy, Meggsy who is totally GORGEOUS...i'm a bit envious...see had we stayed together and bought our house, first thing we were gonna do was get a puppy...
and then Peter...also not completely an 'ex' by many people's definitions but someone at one time that i thought that he could be 'the one' but we just couldn't make it work, despite a number of goes at it...it was nice to see him too
kind of funny how the universe conspires to put all of these things in close proximity, no doubt there is a message in it...now i just need to find it!
nite x
Chris, sure isn't technically an ex, but my 13 year old self sees him in that sort of a way...
Ben and I had the nicest chat during the week, the first one since we split that in fact has been easy, nice, the kind of chat 2 old friends who haven't spoken for a while might have...and i was really pleased this morning when i got a text message from him including a picture of his new puppy, Meggsy who is totally GORGEOUS...i'm a bit envious...see had we stayed together and bought our house, first thing we were gonna do was get a puppy...
and then Peter...also not completely an 'ex' by many people's definitions but someone at one time that i thought that he could be 'the one' but we just couldn't make it work, despite a number of goes at it...it was nice to see him too
kind of funny how the universe conspires to put all of these things in close proximity, no doubt there is a message in it...now i just need to find it!
nite x
moving on?
well this time last week i had only just gotten home and sent a certain someone the text that started it all...
it's been a tough week, and one where i have had to really be honest with myself about my feelings for him, one where i had to confront the 13 year old girl within that he hurt so badly, and one where i had to think about what i want...
it was the sort of week, on reflection, that i don't want to have again, and funny, in my exhausted but glad to be home (there really is NO place like home...) state, i feel much better...my former happiness and calm is restored, i am thinking clearly, i have purchased jeans that make me look thin (who would have thought that would happen this weekend?), and i am left wondering how on earth a simple text could have ended up where it did?
perhaps it really WAS the full moon? and this is not me saying i am not responsible for how i behaved last week, but it might explain the somewhat 'manic' (and i don't like to use that word) behaviour and compulsions that seemed to take over my usually level headed way...(sure i've had lapses, but this one felt like the biggest fall, and one i just did not see coming)
and it's funny, because after his awful text to me on Monday morning, i felt numb...empty, a bit bereft and wondering 'who' i might be if he wasn't in my life...i couldn't come up with an answer...still not sure i have the answer to that, but i'm working on it!
and then of course, i couldn't help but move towards him - my attempt at not doing so, seemed just too big a challenge, and of course the inevitable happens and a dialogue (if you can call a whole stack of disjointed text messages from one side of the world to the other dialogue?) starts up again...we've always been friends, we'll always be friends, we may fall out but that's ok...and then it starts to move again towards the untoward...and basically the request for a decision (did i mention i really don't like ultimatums?)...the decision is handed down and in doing so i feel that i'm taking a huge risk...a risk that in telling him this he will no longer have enough interest in me to continue to communicate - after all, from his perspective he's not going to get his cake and eat it too, and as he told me, 'that sucks'...
so imagine my surprise when i wake up and see his number on my iphone with an accompanying message...?? and this from the man who would have 'made arrangements' were i to have agreed to such a clandestine liaison and the very same one who said we couldn't be friends in an open way...
so can you see why i might be confused and left wondering what his current motives are? and sure, they might be above board and genuine - absolutely they could be, but something is telling me to be careful...
and now there has been 2 days of silence and each time there is silence i feel as though i start to move on...
so i wonder what will happen next? honestly i do? i'm not yet ready to tell him i want no contact (not until both my selves are in agreement and the 13 year old has been heard), i am not clear on what he wants and whether we actually CAN be friends, and yet, that 13 year old wants so much for him to say that he loves her...thinking, as only a 13 year old girl with her first crush, can, that it will make everything (both now and the past) ok..
soooo moving on seems like the right thing to do, and i will, but i'm still stuck on the 'how'....
it's been a tough week, and one where i have had to really be honest with myself about my feelings for him, one where i had to confront the 13 year old girl within that he hurt so badly, and one where i had to think about what i want...
it was the sort of week, on reflection, that i don't want to have again, and funny, in my exhausted but glad to be home (there really is NO place like home...) state, i feel much better...my former happiness and calm is restored, i am thinking clearly, i have purchased jeans that make me look thin (who would have thought that would happen this weekend?), and i am left wondering how on earth a simple text could have ended up where it did?
perhaps it really WAS the full moon? and this is not me saying i am not responsible for how i behaved last week, but it might explain the somewhat 'manic' (and i don't like to use that word) behaviour and compulsions that seemed to take over my usually level headed way...(sure i've had lapses, but this one felt like the biggest fall, and one i just did not see coming)
and it's funny, because after his awful text to me on Monday morning, i felt numb...empty, a bit bereft and wondering 'who' i might be if he wasn't in my life...i couldn't come up with an answer...still not sure i have the answer to that, but i'm working on it!
and then of course, i couldn't help but move towards him - my attempt at not doing so, seemed just too big a challenge, and of course the inevitable happens and a dialogue (if you can call a whole stack of disjointed text messages from one side of the world to the other dialogue?) starts up again...we've always been friends, we'll always be friends, we may fall out but that's ok...and then it starts to move again towards the untoward...and basically the request for a decision (did i mention i really don't like ultimatums?)...the decision is handed down and in doing so i feel that i'm taking a huge risk...a risk that in telling him this he will no longer have enough interest in me to continue to communicate - after all, from his perspective he's not going to get his cake and eat it too, and as he told me, 'that sucks'...
so imagine my surprise when i wake up and see his number on my iphone with an accompanying message...?? and this from the man who would have 'made arrangements' were i to have agreed to such a clandestine liaison and the very same one who said we couldn't be friends in an open way...
so can you see why i might be confused and left wondering what his current motives are? and sure, they might be above board and genuine - absolutely they could be, but something is telling me to be careful...
and now there has been 2 days of silence and each time there is silence i feel as though i start to move on...
so i wonder what will happen next? honestly i do? i'm not yet ready to tell him i want no contact (not until both my selves are in agreement and the 13 year old has been heard), i am not clear on what he wants and whether we actually CAN be friends, and yet, that 13 year old wants so much for him to say that he loves her...thinking, as only a 13 year old girl with her first crush, can, that it will make everything (both now and the past) ok..
soooo moving on seems like the right thing to do, and i will, but i'm still stuck on the 'how'....
singing the Blues...
yep, that's certainly what Dan, Dad and I were doing on Thursday night, but man it was a tough ride! we went to the AFL opener (Carlton v Richmond, MCG) on a wet and windy night, no chips or pies in sight early on, a slow first quarter for the Blues (sadly, this is becoming the sort of trademark they will not want to be known for), a better 2nd, a shocking (crap actually if Daniel's opinion is anything to go by) and a good 4th...nail biting stuff, the sort of stress that one needs to begin self medicating for, and early! had i known, instead of water in Dan's Carlton drink bottle, i would have put vodka, and lots of it...
no matter, come 10.10pm on Thursday we were singing the Blues...4 points and a lot of improvement ahead!
go Blue boys :-)
no matter, come 10.10pm on Thursday we were singing the Blues...4 points and a lot of improvement ahead!
go Blue boys :-)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
how did we get here?
a question i was asking myself a number of times on sunday whilst in the midst of a sexting session with him...:-(
a question i was asking myself as he pressured me to make a decision about whether or not i would have an affair with him....seriously, how did it get there so quickly? how did things get completely and utterly out of hand and descend into that?
sadly, i know how, and i know why...because i haven't yet listened to that 13 year old girl...well, i can tell, you having made my decision ('No'), and having spent an hour with my wonderful therapist yesterday, who assured me that this was all 'typical, given ...', i now find myself in an entirely new process altogether...
the one of integration, of not letting my 42 year old self dissociate from my 13 year old self....
and even though right now the thought of saying goodbye to him for good (because surely that's the only way yes?), right now i'm just going to be...and not put any pressure on myself to 'do' anything...
when both selves have a seat at the table and can hear what the other has to say, and when between them, they have made a decision they are happy with, only then, will i 'do' something...
so even though i questioned myself many times in recent days, at least NOW i know how we got there...
Melbourne here i come!
a question i was asking myself as he pressured me to make a decision about whether or not i would have an affair with him....seriously, how did it get there so quickly? how did things get completely and utterly out of hand and descend into that?
sadly, i know how, and i know why...because i haven't yet listened to that 13 year old girl...well, i can tell, you having made my decision ('No'), and having spent an hour with my wonderful therapist yesterday, who assured me that this was all 'typical, given ...', i now find myself in an entirely new process altogether...
the one of integration, of not letting my 42 year old self dissociate from my 13 year old self....
and even though right now the thought of saying goodbye to him for good (because surely that's the only way yes?), right now i'm just going to be...and not put any pressure on myself to 'do' anything...
when both selves have a seat at the table and can hear what the other has to say, and when between them, they have made a decision they are happy with, only then, will i 'do' something...
so even though i questioned myself many times in recent days, at least NOW i know how we got there...
Melbourne here i come!
Monday, March 21, 2011
my writing voice is
getting stronger, i can feel it! i read out a piece of work at writing class on wed night and i got some great feedback from one classmate, and i have been really conscious of that in my writing since...and i think it's making a difference!
obviously writing more is the only way to develop a strong voice, a way of writing that conveys your story...and i have struggled with this over the years, especially in fiction writing - in my blogging, it's relatively straightforward, as it's just me...but there is an added complexity of writing from someone else's perspective (namely the character or narrator) and it's just not the same...
sooo practice is sure to make perfect and i'm going to continue to put myself out there and seek feedback coz last week's feedback was given in such a beautiful way and with such support and encouragement that i not only listened to it without feeling the need to defend myself or my writing, but have listened to it...thanks Lisa :-)
it's funny too that as i strive to develop a stronger writing voice, my voice in life is also becoming stronger - and i'm not talking about my actual voice - you get that right?
i am speaking up for myself in more situations, confronting situations head on that i would normally stew over for hours...basically i am trusting myself more and listening to myself more...
viva la voice!
obviously writing more is the only way to develop a strong voice, a way of writing that conveys your story...and i have struggled with this over the years, especially in fiction writing - in my blogging, it's relatively straightforward, as it's just me...but there is an added complexity of writing from someone else's perspective (namely the character or narrator) and it's just not the same...
sooo practice is sure to make perfect and i'm going to continue to put myself out there and seek feedback coz last week's feedback was given in such a beautiful way and with such support and encouragement that i not only listened to it without feeling the need to defend myself or my writing, but have listened to it...thanks Lisa :-)
it's funny too that as i strive to develop a stronger writing voice, my voice in life is also becoming stronger - and i'm not talking about my actual voice - you get that right?
i am speaking up for myself in more situations, confronting situations head on that i would normally stew over for hours...basically i am trusting myself more and listening to myself more...
viva la voice!
people...
i'm fucking over people today! so after this morning's incident with Chris, you know the bad ending, the awful conversation etc etc...i then get a call from someone i occasionally do work for and i get a sense he's not telling me everything...
so i stew on it, amongst the other things i am stewing on today, and then think that rather than me stewing i'm just gonna call him back
so i did! my god, the old me would NEVER have done that - not in a thousand years...
but i did, i told him i felt there was something he hadn't told me and so wanted to just make sure we were on the same page and that additionally, if i was going to do work for them, then i needed him to be honest with me and provide any feedback etc etc
so turns out he hadn't told me everything...initially he said they would make contact when they had decided on a course of action, but when i called back, he told me they had made up their minds and because i couldn't make the meeting the other day they gave the assignment to the other coach...
i just KNEW there was something he hadn't told me...so then he goes into a bit apology about being busy etc etc...so really the title of this post shouldn't just be 'people' but 'fucking people'...
i am really going to listen to my gut some more, coz it is rarely wrong! i just need to trust it more...
so i stew on it, amongst the other things i am stewing on today, and then think that rather than me stewing i'm just gonna call him back
so i did! my god, the old me would NEVER have done that - not in a thousand years...
but i did, i told him i felt there was something he hadn't told me and so wanted to just make sure we were on the same page and that additionally, if i was going to do work for them, then i needed him to be honest with me and provide any feedback etc etc
so turns out he hadn't told me everything...initially he said they would make contact when they had decided on a course of action, but when i called back, he told me they had made up their minds and because i couldn't make the meeting the other day they gave the assignment to the other coach...
i just KNEW there was something he hadn't told me...so then he goes into a bit apology about being busy etc etc...so really the title of this post shouldn't just be 'people' but 'fucking people'...
i am really going to listen to my gut some more, coz it is rarely wrong! i just need to trust it more...
true colours...
well i think i finally saw his true colours, the ones i hadn't wanted to see, the ones i should have seen coming, the ones that have felt like they were sitting just beneath the surface, hidden inside that exterior, concealed behind the facade...the him that he wants everyone to see
sometimes you don't see a person's true colours until they are pushed...and sure, i pushed him today, i did...and his response was not nice...hurtful, mean and honestly, not what i was expecting...
'you need to get a fucking life' to be precise...:-(
soooo the upside is this: maybe now i have seen these true colours, that have probably been there all along, the ones i refused to see whilst i let my childhood fantasy take over and the ones that once ignited, showed him to be the sort of man i don't like, i can now really begin the process of moving on...
and it's not like i haven't been trying: a really good friend of mine said to me today that my relationship with him was complex and consisted of many many layers, so each time i thought i'd succeeded in putting him out of my mind, it seems another layer popped up needing to be dealt with...
but today i think the layers have been dealt their final blow...to me, there is now no going back...
maybe i needed to see this side of him? sure it's not what i thought would happen when i woke up this morning, although the 'age of reason' i referred to earlier, certainly indicated that things with him were at the point of ending...despite me not wanting it to be so...and despite me wanting it to be a 'nicer' ending (whatever that is)
but really, what was i holding on to? the notions of a 13 year old girl, which in the intervening 30 years had grown into something quite unhealthy, unrealistic and frankly, just plain dangerous...it became like an addiction i had to feed, seemingly never sated, always reaching for more...
but now it's done, i doubt i will hear from him again and on one of those many levels that makes me feel sad, but perhaps it's the start of something new for me...
they say that with every ending there is a new beginning, and i've been wanting a new beginning for a while...i haven't, if i'm honest, been able to be brutally honest with myself about my feelings for him until now, and now that i have been honest with myself and with him, this is where we are at...so really? what is there to grieve? if he is someone that when i'm honest he tells me to 'get a fucking life', i'm not sure that's the sort of person i want in my life...
so i'm still numb, i'm a bit disbelieving really, wondering how i will feel tomorrow, or in a couple of weeks when i no longer see his name/number pop up on my phone...but you know what? somewhere in the middle of yesterday's slippery slope i started to get that feeling again...the feeling in my stomach...the feeling that my body is telling me that something is not right, and i chose not to listen to it...
instead, i did what i always have done and bury it, ignore it and continue regardless....dangerous stuff that! and maybe this time that lesson will be learned, and sure i've said that before but today really does feel different...
i have never been a fan of endings or goodbyes...i feel strange, awkward, compelled to reach out to him (this is what i usually do, it's familiar, it's my routine...or was) but i'm going to try really hard not to...
for after all, even if i do reach out to him and we start talking again, it's only going to end up exactly where it did this morning....and i already know that's not what i want...
sooo now is the time for something new, for a new way of being, a new way of doing and above all, for me to look within and find willpower i know myself to have...
universe if you are listening, please give me strength
sometimes you don't see a person's true colours until they are pushed...and sure, i pushed him today, i did...and his response was not nice...hurtful, mean and honestly, not what i was expecting...
'you need to get a fucking life' to be precise...:-(
soooo the upside is this: maybe now i have seen these true colours, that have probably been there all along, the ones i refused to see whilst i let my childhood fantasy take over and the ones that once ignited, showed him to be the sort of man i don't like, i can now really begin the process of moving on...
and it's not like i haven't been trying: a really good friend of mine said to me today that my relationship with him was complex and consisted of many many layers, so each time i thought i'd succeeded in putting him out of my mind, it seems another layer popped up needing to be dealt with...
but today i think the layers have been dealt their final blow...to me, there is now no going back...
maybe i needed to see this side of him? sure it's not what i thought would happen when i woke up this morning, although the 'age of reason' i referred to earlier, certainly indicated that things with him were at the point of ending...despite me not wanting it to be so...and despite me wanting it to be a 'nicer' ending (whatever that is)
but really, what was i holding on to? the notions of a 13 year old girl, which in the intervening 30 years had grown into something quite unhealthy, unrealistic and frankly, just plain dangerous...it became like an addiction i had to feed, seemingly never sated, always reaching for more...
but now it's done, i doubt i will hear from him again and on one of those many levels that makes me feel sad, but perhaps it's the start of something new for me...
they say that with every ending there is a new beginning, and i've been wanting a new beginning for a while...i haven't, if i'm honest, been able to be brutally honest with myself about my feelings for him until now, and now that i have been honest with myself and with him, this is where we are at...so really? what is there to grieve? if he is someone that when i'm honest he tells me to 'get a fucking life', i'm not sure that's the sort of person i want in my life...
so i'm still numb, i'm a bit disbelieving really, wondering how i will feel tomorrow, or in a couple of weeks when i no longer see his name/number pop up on my phone...but you know what? somewhere in the middle of yesterday's slippery slope i started to get that feeling again...the feeling in my stomach...the feeling that my body is telling me that something is not right, and i chose not to listen to it...
instead, i did what i always have done and bury it, ignore it and continue regardless....dangerous stuff that! and maybe this time that lesson will be learned, and sure i've said that before but today really does feel different...
i have never been a fan of endings or goodbyes...i feel strange, awkward, compelled to reach out to him (this is what i usually do, it's familiar, it's my routine...or was) but i'm going to try really hard not to...
for after all, even if i do reach out to him and we start talking again, it's only going to end up exactly where it did this morning....and i already know that's not what i want...
sooo now is the time for something new, for a new way of being, a new way of doing and above all, for me to look within and find willpower i know myself to have...
universe if you are listening, please give me strength
i think
the fat lady might have just sung....
and honestly, i am numb, shell shocked if i'm honest and not really sure what to do...or how i feel
and honestly, i am numb, shell shocked if i'm honest and not really sure what to do...or how i feel
a new dawning...
is what it feels like this morning, and following the events of the last 36 hours and the movie i saw Saturday which seems to have been the catalyst for where i am right now, what i think is going on for me is my very own age of reason (or as the french say it l'age de raison)...
i think it is! see today i did something this morning that i should have done a long time ago...
the incidents of the last 36 hours have shaken me, and not because of the incidents themselves, but because of how willingly i allowed myself to be drawn into something that i didn't want to be a part of, but thinking (old, faulty thinking from my past) that if i didn't then it would mean the 'end'...
but really, is the end in this case, such a bad thing? and on some level i think it is...it would mean saying goodbye to someone, both in my head, my heart and in reality, who's been in my life for 33 years....and i haven't really felt ready to do that since he resurfaced in november...i'm not certain i am ready now
i attribute this morning's clarity of mind (mine that is) to this new age of reason, and perhaps, finally, after all the hard work, at 42 i have reached that age...perhaps it's the age where my new self will emerge with an entirely new perspective on life, on self and how i want to be in the world....bit existential for a monday morning but honestly, i have not woken up with such an overwhelming clarity for months! actually, since the 23rd november last year and i have made small tiny baby little steps in the interim, but today something just feels different, and i can no longer lie to myself....
it's funny, he said to me over the weekend (and he's said it to me before) that lying to yourself is no way to start and you know, he's right....i haven't been consciously lying to myself but i have been reluctant to admit my real feelings for him, both to myself and to him, and that has meant that there has been an undertow in my interactions with him, something i felt i couldn't divulge, and consequently it drove some behaviours that don't fit with how i want to be....
so the 'thing' i did this morning was this:
'problem is this: i like you, i've always liked you, when you turned up my fantasy took over...you are married, i want to be married, there is something between us but it can never be...i brought up the sexual tension because i think we needed to talk about it, needed to have it out in the open and then it got out of control...i don't want to be someone you shag or have an affair with..it will end badly and i'll get hurt..you will have your wife to go back to but where will that leave me? And sure i know you think i over think things but this is a no brainer...i really wish we could be kids again, in so many ways but our reality is here and now...that reality is that we don't really know each other and can't be together in any way openly and that isn't how i want things to be...a part of me has always loved you even tho i wonder why it remains so'
and it wasn't easy...actually telling him this wasn't as hard as admitting it to myself, but i can no longer let this and my old thinking drive my present self....the easy thing to do would have been to just continue and fall headlong into something that i didn't really want to be a part of but couldn't say no to, which is something i have spent almost my entire life doing...
but today is the dawning of a new age...it is! i'm determined for it to be so....i feel sad and yet free....
the end with this man (or boy, coz really in my heart that's what he is) is in sight even though i don't want it to be...but i can see no other way given his terms...it's just not how i want to live my life
i think it is! see today i did something this morning that i should have done a long time ago...
the incidents of the last 36 hours have shaken me, and not because of the incidents themselves, but because of how willingly i allowed myself to be drawn into something that i didn't want to be a part of, but thinking (old, faulty thinking from my past) that if i didn't then it would mean the 'end'...
but really, is the end in this case, such a bad thing? and on some level i think it is...it would mean saying goodbye to someone, both in my head, my heart and in reality, who's been in my life for 33 years....and i haven't really felt ready to do that since he resurfaced in november...i'm not certain i am ready now
i attribute this morning's clarity of mind (mine that is) to this new age of reason, and perhaps, finally, after all the hard work, at 42 i have reached that age...perhaps it's the age where my new self will emerge with an entirely new perspective on life, on self and how i want to be in the world....bit existential for a monday morning but honestly, i have not woken up with such an overwhelming clarity for months! actually, since the 23rd november last year and i have made small tiny baby little steps in the interim, but today something just feels different, and i can no longer lie to myself....
it's funny, he said to me over the weekend (and he's said it to me before) that lying to yourself is no way to start and you know, he's right....i haven't been consciously lying to myself but i have been reluctant to admit my real feelings for him, both to myself and to him, and that has meant that there has been an undertow in my interactions with him, something i felt i couldn't divulge, and consequently it drove some behaviours that don't fit with how i want to be....
so the 'thing' i did this morning was this:
'problem is this: i like you, i've always liked you, when you turned up my fantasy took over...you are married, i want to be married, there is something between us but it can never be...i brought up the sexual tension because i think we needed to talk about it, needed to have it out in the open and then it got out of control...i don't want to be someone you shag or have an affair with..it will end badly and i'll get hurt..you will have your wife to go back to but where will that leave me? And sure i know you think i over think things but this is a no brainer...i really wish we could be kids again, in so many ways but our reality is here and now...that reality is that we don't really know each other and can't be together in any way openly and that isn't how i want things to be...a part of me has always loved you even tho i wonder why it remains so'
and it wasn't easy...actually telling him this wasn't as hard as admitting it to myself, but i can no longer let this and my old thinking drive my present self....the easy thing to do would have been to just continue and fall headlong into something that i didn't really want to be a part of but couldn't say no to, which is something i have spent almost my entire life doing...
but today is the dawning of a new age...it is! i'm determined for it to be so....i feel sad and yet free....
the end with this man (or boy, coz really in my heart that's what he is) is in sight even though i don't want it to be...but i can see no other way given his terms...it's just not how i want to live my life
Sunday, March 20, 2011
decisions
seem to be the order of the times right now...and i have a coupla biggies coming up! one that i can talk about, one that i can't...not yet anyway
funny that i spend a reasonable amount of time working with clients in helping them to identify their 'decision making process', you know the 'how' they go about making a decision, the 'what' they consider etc etc
seems ironic that i tend to not do that so methodically in my own life...guess it's no different to mechanics who have cars that don't run littering their front yards or hairdressers who's hair never seems to look as coiffed as that of their clients...it seems that i am one of those coaches that doesn't always practice what i preach!
sooo i think that the 2nd of the upcoming decisions is actually going to prove the most challenging and there is no logical or clear answer, i can't decide what is right and what is wrong, or indeed if there is any right or wrong or whether my decision, whatever it may be, will simply represent a point on a continuum of experiences that i could have??
kind of an interesting way of looking at it for me - typically i am a binary sort of girl (i love that word...binary) but of late i am starting to move away from binary (or black and white) and find myself trying out grey...not just in my decision making! this moving into grey also appears to be dominating my choice of wardrobe - i am LOVING grey of late...of course it's perfect with navy (my choice of work clothes), looks good with black, navy, red and almost any other colour that i have in my wardrobe (purple and green if i'm aiming for completeness) and it's more subtle than black...
sure i look slimmer in black (who doesn't right?) but it's not all about looking slim...my god, did i just say that? perhaps i am finally losing the plot...
soooo i digress! coupla big decisions for me in coming weeks and i'm wondering where i will look for guidance, for counsel...
i'm pretty sure i'll be looking within, the challenge will be, how many of those voices i let influence what i do...
funny that i spend a reasonable amount of time working with clients in helping them to identify their 'decision making process', you know the 'how' they go about making a decision, the 'what' they consider etc etc
seems ironic that i tend to not do that so methodically in my own life...guess it's no different to mechanics who have cars that don't run littering their front yards or hairdressers who's hair never seems to look as coiffed as that of their clients...it seems that i am one of those coaches that doesn't always practice what i preach!
sooo i think that the 2nd of the upcoming decisions is actually going to prove the most challenging and there is no logical or clear answer, i can't decide what is right and what is wrong, or indeed if there is any right or wrong or whether my decision, whatever it may be, will simply represent a point on a continuum of experiences that i could have??
kind of an interesting way of looking at it for me - typically i am a binary sort of girl (i love that word...binary) but of late i am starting to move away from binary (or black and white) and find myself trying out grey...not just in my decision making! this moving into grey also appears to be dominating my choice of wardrobe - i am LOVING grey of late...of course it's perfect with navy (my choice of work clothes), looks good with black, navy, red and almost any other colour that i have in my wardrobe (purple and green if i'm aiming for completeness) and it's more subtle than black...
sure i look slimmer in black (who doesn't right?) but it's not all about looking slim...my god, did i just say that? perhaps i am finally losing the plot...
soooo i digress! coupla big decisions for me in coming weeks and i'm wondering where i will look for guidance, for counsel...
i'm pretty sure i'll be looking within, the challenge will be, how many of those voices i let influence what i do...
distracted...
there is no other word for it...well not that i can use publicly there isn't...
seriously distracted! trying to construct my CV in such a way so it doesn't overplay the coaching aspects - it's for a certain audience...
and you know what? i have been stuck on the same paragraph for hours...
i would be lying though if i said i wasn't enjoying the distraction....:-)
seriously distracted! trying to construct my CV in such a way so it doesn't overplay the coaching aspects - it's for a certain audience...
and you know what? i have been stuck on the same paragraph for hours...
i would be lying though if i said i wasn't enjoying the distraction....:-)
oh dear...
this time yesterday, before i saw a beautiful movie, and before i found myself in the grip of the full moon, everything was ok...
now it's decidedly not ok!
so i go see the 4th of the 5 french movies i have booked in to see during the 2011 french film festival - some have been great, others good, one not that good and yesterday, wonderful - magnifique actually (The Age of Reason with Sophie Marceau in case i forget later)
but a part of the overall plot was the childhood friendship between the main character and a boy in the village where she grew up...and it reminded me of a certain someone...a certain someone that i thought i had put away in that box?
you know about the box right? where you put stuff, that you don't want to throw out or really say good bye too (not forever anyway), so you put it in a shoe box, and put it at the very back of the top shelf in your wardrobe, so it's not easy to get at...can't reach it without a ladder or a chair, meaning it requires enough effort to get it that you have more time to question whether you should in fact be delving into the box at all...but all the same you can't bring yourself to actually part with it...
well, seems no amount of willpower (you know, the very same willpower that has allowed me to lose weight and continue with my exercise) was available to me last night...
as i sat in the cinema much longer than i usually do at the conclusion of a movie, and pondered the movie, the story and how i was feeling, i had an overwhelming urge to send a text to the certain someone, yep, the one who i thought was safely in that shoe box on the top shelf!
and of course that was not going to be easy as his details were no longer in my phone...but i used to be in finance right? good with numbers right? so i tried my best to recall his number...didn't work
so you'd think this amount of effort would be enough to make me question whether digging into that box was in fact the right thing to do (we'll come back to what is right in due course)...but undeterred when i arrive home i head straight to the study and find myself madly looking through files and paperwork for last months phone bill, so i can retrieve his number from there and send him what i thought to be a very innocent text - the sort of text two grown adult friends might send to one another, but something happens and things get well out of hand...how did that happen?
so the voices in my head (they are multiple i'm afraid) are now trying to reason with me and tell me what is right and what is wrong and even though there is a part of me that cringes when i think of recounting this little story to my therapist, to any of my friends, to other people who's voices have lived in my head, i can also hear her voice saying 'you're a grown woman, do whatever you want to'...what is right anyway? and i find myself spending every one of the 40 minutes of my walk (loved that - can't believe that having not exercised for a week i enjoyed it so much) contemplating that, and realising that actually, the ONLY voice that matters is my own...
so seriously, how did things get out of hand so quickly? well, i think i know the answer to that...since he turned up there has been an unspoken tension between us and today i decided (as things were heading in the 'out of hand' direction) that it was no longer useful to pretend that the tension didn't exist...
so i did the adult thing and named it! not sure who was more shocked...and then we ended up having a very interesting conversation about the fact that we can't really (and i mean really) be friends...
and i'm sad about that...from the get go, he has said that's what he wanted, and yet, it's not really possible, not in the way i want to be friends...you know above board adult friends...i don't want the sort of friendship that he has to hide from his wife because he doesn't want to have to explain our past to her, i don't want the sort of friendship where i can't call when i want to talk, or when i can't see him because he'd have to lie to her...i just don't
and that is good! good because years ago i would have thought it was all ok, but it's not coz it means the entire relationship is on his terms and i'm done with those kinds of relationships...
that aside, there are other complicating factors...not the least of which is the 'tension' that we have now both openly admitted to experiencing...have no fucking clue how to handle that...
is there a right and wrong way to do it?
honestly, i don't know...
p.s. i think my post about flirting was perhaps a wee bit premature...
now it's decidedly not ok!
so i go see the 4th of the 5 french movies i have booked in to see during the 2011 french film festival - some have been great, others good, one not that good and yesterday, wonderful - magnifique actually (The Age of Reason with Sophie Marceau in case i forget later)
but a part of the overall plot was the childhood friendship between the main character and a boy in the village where she grew up...and it reminded me of a certain someone...a certain someone that i thought i had put away in that box?
you know about the box right? where you put stuff, that you don't want to throw out or really say good bye too (not forever anyway), so you put it in a shoe box, and put it at the very back of the top shelf in your wardrobe, so it's not easy to get at...can't reach it without a ladder or a chair, meaning it requires enough effort to get it that you have more time to question whether you should in fact be delving into the box at all...but all the same you can't bring yourself to actually part with it...
well, seems no amount of willpower (you know, the very same willpower that has allowed me to lose weight and continue with my exercise) was available to me last night...
as i sat in the cinema much longer than i usually do at the conclusion of a movie, and pondered the movie, the story and how i was feeling, i had an overwhelming urge to send a text to the certain someone, yep, the one who i thought was safely in that shoe box on the top shelf!
and of course that was not going to be easy as his details were no longer in my phone...but i used to be in finance right? good with numbers right? so i tried my best to recall his number...didn't work
so you'd think this amount of effort would be enough to make me question whether digging into that box was in fact the right thing to do (we'll come back to what is right in due course)...but undeterred when i arrive home i head straight to the study and find myself madly looking through files and paperwork for last months phone bill, so i can retrieve his number from there and send him what i thought to be a very innocent text - the sort of text two grown adult friends might send to one another, but something happens and things get well out of hand...how did that happen?
so the voices in my head (they are multiple i'm afraid) are now trying to reason with me and tell me what is right and what is wrong and even though there is a part of me that cringes when i think of recounting this little story to my therapist, to any of my friends, to other people who's voices have lived in my head, i can also hear her voice saying 'you're a grown woman, do whatever you want to'...what is right anyway? and i find myself spending every one of the 40 minutes of my walk (loved that - can't believe that having not exercised for a week i enjoyed it so much) contemplating that, and realising that actually, the ONLY voice that matters is my own...
- not one that might have been inherited from my mother
- not one that might be one or other of my best friends who of course have my best interests at heart (don't i also have my best interests at heart?)
- not my therapist, who absolutely won't judge me, but the thought of laying this out for her in our next session makes me cringe
so seriously, how did things get out of hand so quickly? well, i think i know the answer to that...since he turned up there has been an unspoken tension between us and today i decided (as things were heading in the 'out of hand' direction) that it was no longer useful to pretend that the tension didn't exist...
so i did the adult thing and named it! not sure who was more shocked...and then we ended up having a very interesting conversation about the fact that we can't really (and i mean really) be friends...
and i'm sad about that...from the get go, he has said that's what he wanted, and yet, it's not really possible, not in the way i want to be friends...you know above board adult friends...i don't want the sort of friendship that he has to hide from his wife because he doesn't want to have to explain our past to her, i don't want the sort of friendship where i can't call when i want to talk, or when i can't see him because he'd have to lie to her...i just don't
and that is good! good because years ago i would have thought it was all ok, but it's not coz it means the entire relationship is on his terms and i'm done with those kinds of relationships...
that aside, there are other complicating factors...not the least of which is the 'tension' that we have now both openly admitted to experiencing...have no fucking clue how to handle that...
is there a right and wrong way to do it?
honestly, i don't know...
p.s. i think my post about flirting was perhaps a wee bit premature...
anniversaries (another possible vignette)...
it would seem after more than 3 years of blogging and countless writing classes, i am finally inspired to really write those novels...and so a number of vignettes are going to start appearing here - coupla reasons for that: firstly, i can get some feedback from the very few (and shall i say, select) readers and secondly, rather than me writing sometimes self indulgent reflective navel gazing crap, it will serve me better to actually get into the habit of fiction writing...so go easy on me if you are going to provide feedback, and bear in mind i won't be providing context, so things may appear disjointed at times! (of course, there is a chance too that the writing could occasionally be utter rubbish...)
i wake up and don't recognise the room i'm in...my head hurts a little bit, i shiver when i realise the blankets have gathered in a pile on the floor and as i turn over to reach out for him, i realise he's not there....he's often not there when i wake up...he's a morning person, i am decidedly not! the bed is still warm where he has been and in his place is a handwritten note
'Happy Anniversary Charlie...gone for a run...back soon, i'll get pain au chocolat for you...L x'
i pick up the note and move into the warm space in the bed where he was...and i can't help but smile
i read the note again and i think i should pinch myself...I've known Luca since we were 9 years old, and today is our 3 year anniversary and despite my sore head and how cold i feel, i can't suppress the smile pulling at the corners of my mouth as i pull the blankets back up onto the bed and over my head
i think about how long i waited for him, how much time i spent willing him to find his way back to me, telling my girlfriends that setting me up on blind dates with their husband's friends was futile...no, i was sure that he was the one i was going to be with...imagine their surprise when he actually did come back! sometimes you just know, right?
so this morning we are in Paris (my favourite city), in a hotel near the Opera, the same hotel where he proposed to me 31 years after we first met...when we were 40...actually we were in Paris to celebrate my 40th birthday
yep, this man i am talking about is my childhood sweetheart! the one i could never get out of my head, nor my heart, the one i knew would come back... the one i tried hard to forget especially when things seemed hopeless, but he wouldn't leave...even when somebody else temporarily took up a place in my heart, a small part of me just wouldn't submit...
i'm smiling and considering getting up when i hear the door close
'hi babe' Luca says to me holding up a brown bag from the local boulangerie as he walks over
'tea?' he asks, he is strictly a coffee drinker
'i'll make it handsome' i say to him, throwing on his shirt before i stand up and hug him
'don't be mad babe, but i got you something' he says knowing that i'll be a little bit mad at him
'really? i thought we said no gifts'...of course i had something for him too
he handed me a red velvet box, no wrapping, no card, just the box...
i took it from him, kissed him and then sat down...over the years we had developed a habit of always sitting down to open gifts...
'but wait' i said, getting up and running towards the suitcase (still locked and on the stand in the bedroom) to retrieve my gift for him
i come back holding a small package wrapped in brown paper and tied with blue straw...
'i thought we weren't doing gifts' he says, smiling as he pulls me onto the sofa with him
he hands me the red box again and nods in it's direction
'open it babe' he says 'go on'
i take my left hand and open the lid and starting back at me is the most beautiful ring i have ever seen, a cushion cut iolite set in a white gold band, diamonds scattered randomly in the band
'you shouldn't have' i say to him, thrilled
'how? where did the stone come from?' i say to him, surprised to see what looks like the perfect stone
'remember that guy we met at that gem fair last year? you know, the old guy who couldn't stop talking about his wife? well he called me a month ago and told me he had a contact in Sri Lanka who might be able to get a stone for us'
it was beautiful, the perfect shade of violet and beautifully cut. it was so beautiful i almost didn't want to touch it. Luca took the box from me, gently took the ring out of it's little box and slid it onto the finger where my wedding band had once been...
he does this gently, my knuckle still swollen and not yet fully healed from the accident
'Luca, darling it's beautiful, thank you' i say, tears start to fall down my face
'don't cry babe, i wanted you to have something as beautiful as you, and something that reminds you of how much i love you when i can't be there to tell you'
'i have something for you too darling' i say, handing him the rectangular package and hoping that he likes the gift i have chosen for him
he carefully unties the straw, and then removes the paper to reveal a first edition of Sartre's 1945 L'age de raison
'Charlie, where on earth did you find this?' he says smiling, reaching over to embrace me
'why oh why did i wait so long to come and find you?' he says, holding me so tight i struggle to catch my breath
we are quiet for a few minutes, then he releases me and gets up to make tea for me and coffee for him
'pain au chocolat babe?' he says handing me the brown paper bag
'i thought we'd go to Montparnasse this morning Charlie?'
'ok darling' i respond, glancing down at my ring and wondering when my knuckle will return to it's normal size
i wake up and don't recognise the room i'm in...my head hurts a little bit, i shiver when i realise the blankets have gathered in a pile on the floor and as i turn over to reach out for him, i realise he's not there....he's often not there when i wake up...he's a morning person, i am decidedly not! the bed is still warm where he has been and in his place is a handwritten note
'Happy Anniversary Charlie...gone for a run...back soon, i'll get pain au chocolat for you...L x'
i pick up the note and move into the warm space in the bed where he was...and i can't help but smile
i read the note again and i think i should pinch myself...I've known Luca since we were 9 years old, and today is our 3 year anniversary and despite my sore head and how cold i feel, i can't suppress the smile pulling at the corners of my mouth as i pull the blankets back up onto the bed and over my head
i think about how long i waited for him, how much time i spent willing him to find his way back to me, telling my girlfriends that setting me up on blind dates with their husband's friends was futile...no, i was sure that he was the one i was going to be with...imagine their surprise when he actually did come back! sometimes you just know, right?
so this morning we are in Paris (my favourite city), in a hotel near the Opera, the same hotel where he proposed to me 31 years after we first met...when we were 40...actually we were in Paris to celebrate my 40th birthday
yep, this man i am talking about is my childhood sweetheart! the one i could never get out of my head, nor my heart, the one i knew would come back... the one i tried hard to forget especially when things seemed hopeless, but he wouldn't leave...even when somebody else temporarily took up a place in my heart, a small part of me just wouldn't submit...
i'm smiling and considering getting up when i hear the door close
'hi babe' Luca says to me holding up a brown bag from the local boulangerie as he walks over
'tea?' he asks, he is strictly a coffee drinker
'i'll make it handsome' i say to him, throwing on his shirt before i stand up and hug him
'don't be mad babe, but i got you something' he says knowing that i'll be a little bit mad at him
'really? i thought we said no gifts'...of course i had something for him too
he handed me a red velvet box, no wrapping, no card, just the box...
i took it from him, kissed him and then sat down...over the years we had developed a habit of always sitting down to open gifts...
'but wait' i said, getting up and running towards the suitcase (still locked and on the stand in the bedroom) to retrieve my gift for him
i come back holding a small package wrapped in brown paper and tied with blue straw...
'i thought we weren't doing gifts' he says, smiling as he pulls me onto the sofa with him
he hands me the red box again and nods in it's direction
'open it babe' he says 'go on'
i take my left hand and open the lid and starting back at me is the most beautiful ring i have ever seen, a cushion cut iolite set in a white gold band, diamonds scattered randomly in the band
'you shouldn't have' i say to him, thrilled
'how? where did the stone come from?' i say to him, surprised to see what looks like the perfect stone
'remember that guy we met at that gem fair last year? you know, the old guy who couldn't stop talking about his wife? well he called me a month ago and told me he had a contact in Sri Lanka who might be able to get a stone for us'
it was beautiful, the perfect shade of violet and beautifully cut. it was so beautiful i almost didn't want to touch it. Luca took the box from me, gently took the ring out of it's little box and slid it onto the finger where my wedding band had once been...
he does this gently, my knuckle still swollen and not yet fully healed from the accident
'Luca, darling it's beautiful, thank you' i say, tears start to fall down my face
'don't cry babe, i wanted you to have something as beautiful as you, and something that reminds you of how much i love you when i can't be there to tell you'
'i have something for you too darling' i say, handing him the rectangular package and hoping that he likes the gift i have chosen for him
he carefully unties the straw, and then removes the paper to reveal a first edition of Sartre's 1945 L'age de raison
'Charlie, where on earth did you find this?' he says smiling, reaching over to embrace me
'why oh why did i wait so long to come and find you?' he says, holding me so tight i struggle to catch my breath
we are quiet for a few minutes, then he releases me and gets up to make tea for me and coffee for him
'pain au chocolat babe?' he says handing me the brown paper bag
'i thought we'd go to Montparnasse this morning Charlie?'
'ok darling' i respond, glancing down at my ring and wondering when my knuckle will return to it's normal size
marbles (one possible vignette)...
as i near the place where we spend most of our time, i see him, already there...he looks at me, then looks away, and i think i see him smile...we are 12, maybe 13...it doesn't matter i guess, but we are kids...
he's my best friend...has been since we were 9, and even though that is only 3, or maybe 4 years, i can't really remember a time when he wasn't in my life...i don't remember how, or exactly when, we became friends...he'll know! he seems to have a much better memory of our past...maybe i'll ask him?
he has his marbles out already, which disappoints me coz i want to play jacks today...i have my little jacks bag in my hand and as i walk i swing it around in the air with my right hand...see i'm better at jacks...he's never beaten me at jacks, but marbles seems like a game which is more about luck than skill...and whilst we haven't kept score, i'm sure he has beaten me more times than i've beaten him...although that might be because i can't bring myself to throw them as hard as he does, especially the blues ones (my favourites) and they often don't make the distance...
our greetings are typical of kids our age...no kissing, no touching, we probably don't even say hi or hello...he just looks at me, i look back and he nods his head towards the marbles he has already set up...i hold up my jacks bag and look at him...
'fine, jacks it is' he says, gathering his marbles into a pile and as he does, gives me the look...the one he gives me when he doesn't get his way...he raises his eyebrows trying to show me that he's mad, but he's not one for getting mad...in fact, i don't think i've ever known him to be angry, or at least not at me...he just raises his eyebrows, rolls his eyes and smiles, a look of resignation crossing his young face...
'i'm gonna beat you one day you know?' he says
i smile, in my head i'm thinking how funny that sounds...even though i have tiny little girl hands and he has big hands, he can't seem to stop the jacks from falling off his hand one by one...and each time they tumble, i try hard not to laugh...
it's like a routine...he throws them up, initially catches them all, then they start to fall because they haven't landed softly enough on his hand...he's a boy, guess that means he's not used to being gentle! and jacks is definitely a game where softly does it...
'you go first' i say to him, thinking that in doing so i am giving him some advantage...i prefer to go first as i feel less pressure...
he takes the bag from me, slowly extracts the jacks and puts them in a pile in front of him, and then, as he always does, bounces the ball before he starts...i'm not sure if he thinks that this 'test bounce' is going to help him beat me...who knows! maybe it's his way of trying to work out how hard he needs to bounce it so that he has enough time to get all the jacks onto the top of his hand before it hits the ground...
he's obviously a bit distracted today, coz he's onto his 3rd test bounce...
'c'mon' i say 'what are you doing?'...i am getting impatient now...he does it again and looks steadfastly at me as he does, knowing it will annoy me...
finally, he picks up the jacks and has his go...ha! only 3 stay on his hand...
i go through my own routine, taking all of the jacks into my right hand and moving them around until they 'feel right'! it isn't until i've done this that i contemplate throwing up the ball and having my go...
he's looking at me funny...i don't ask him if something is up...
the jacks feel good in my hand, i throw the ball up in the air and 9 of the jacks land on my hand...just as i'm about to look at him with my 'i beat you' look...i feel his hand on mine...
it lingers there, and he looks really nervous...
'what?' i say to him, realising that my hand feels warm where his hand is
'nothing' he spits back at me as he moves his hand away and takes the jacks from me
his next go is even worse than the first one...this time only 1 jack stays on his hand...he shrugs his shoulders and looks at me
'can we play marbles now?'
'please?'
i pick up the jacks and the ball and put them in the little bag, pulling the draw string so tight making sure that none of my beloved jacks can escape, i put it down next to me and he gives me my marbles which he'd previously put in a separate pile next to his own...
as he hands them to me, our hands touch again...
'i love you' he says...i almost don't hear him
'what?' i say, not sure i've heard him correctly
he is blushing slightly now and his voice quivers 'i love you'...
i don't know what to say, so i just smile, but inside i feel warm and happy and think to myself 'that's good, coz i love you too, always have'...
he slowly pulls his hand away and as he does, one of my marbles falls between our hands and splits in two on the ground between us
he looks at me, i look at the marble, he picks up the two pieces, two halves of one of my favourite blue marbles, and looks at me
'i'll get you another one'
he's my best friend...has been since we were 9, and even though that is only 3, or maybe 4 years, i can't really remember a time when he wasn't in my life...i don't remember how, or exactly when, we became friends...he'll know! he seems to have a much better memory of our past...maybe i'll ask him?
he has his marbles out already, which disappoints me coz i want to play jacks today...i have my little jacks bag in my hand and as i walk i swing it around in the air with my right hand...see i'm better at jacks...he's never beaten me at jacks, but marbles seems like a game which is more about luck than skill...and whilst we haven't kept score, i'm sure he has beaten me more times than i've beaten him...although that might be because i can't bring myself to throw them as hard as he does, especially the blues ones (my favourites) and they often don't make the distance...
our greetings are typical of kids our age...no kissing, no touching, we probably don't even say hi or hello...he just looks at me, i look back and he nods his head towards the marbles he has already set up...i hold up my jacks bag and look at him...
'fine, jacks it is' he says, gathering his marbles into a pile and as he does, gives me the look...the one he gives me when he doesn't get his way...he raises his eyebrows trying to show me that he's mad, but he's not one for getting mad...in fact, i don't think i've ever known him to be angry, or at least not at me...he just raises his eyebrows, rolls his eyes and smiles, a look of resignation crossing his young face...
'i'm gonna beat you one day you know?' he says
i smile, in my head i'm thinking how funny that sounds...even though i have tiny little girl hands and he has big hands, he can't seem to stop the jacks from falling off his hand one by one...and each time they tumble, i try hard not to laugh...
it's like a routine...he throws them up, initially catches them all, then they start to fall because they haven't landed softly enough on his hand...he's a boy, guess that means he's not used to being gentle! and jacks is definitely a game where softly does it...
'you go first' i say to him, thinking that in doing so i am giving him some advantage...i prefer to go first as i feel less pressure...
he takes the bag from me, slowly extracts the jacks and puts them in a pile in front of him, and then, as he always does, bounces the ball before he starts...i'm not sure if he thinks that this 'test bounce' is going to help him beat me...who knows! maybe it's his way of trying to work out how hard he needs to bounce it so that he has enough time to get all the jacks onto the top of his hand before it hits the ground...
he's obviously a bit distracted today, coz he's onto his 3rd test bounce...
'c'mon' i say 'what are you doing?'...i am getting impatient now...he does it again and looks steadfastly at me as he does, knowing it will annoy me...
finally, he picks up the jacks and has his go...ha! only 3 stay on his hand...
i go through my own routine, taking all of the jacks into my right hand and moving them around until they 'feel right'! it isn't until i've done this that i contemplate throwing up the ball and having my go...
he's looking at me funny...i don't ask him if something is up...
the jacks feel good in my hand, i throw the ball up in the air and 9 of the jacks land on my hand...just as i'm about to look at him with my 'i beat you' look...i feel his hand on mine...
it lingers there, and he looks really nervous...
'what?' i say to him, realising that my hand feels warm where his hand is
'nothing' he spits back at me as he moves his hand away and takes the jacks from me
his next go is even worse than the first one...this time only 1 jack stays on his hand...he shrugs his shoulders and looks at me
'can we play marbles now?'
'please?'
i pick up the jacks and the ball and put them in the little bag, pulling the draw string so tight making sure that none of my beloved jacks can escape, i put it down next to me and he gives me my marbles which he'd previously put in a separate pile next to his own...
as he hands them to me, our hands touch again...
'i love you' he says...i almost don't hear him
'what?' i say, not sure i've heard him correctly
he is blushing slightly now and his voice quivers 'i love you'...
i don't know what to say, so i just smile, but inside i feel warm and happy and think to myself 'that's good, coz i love you too, always have'...
he slowly pulls his hand away and as he does, one of my marbles falls between our hands and splits in two on the ground between us
he looks at me, i look at the marble, he picks up the two pieces, two halves of one of my favourite blue marbles, and looks at me
'i'll get you another one'
Saturday, March 19, 2011
the age of reason...
is the name of the french movie (yes, my 4th...one more to go to complete my 2011 french film festival viewing extravaganza) i saw this evening...actually it was this afternoon!
the wonderful sophie marceau was the lead actress and as always, she was fabulous! the movie was stunning - in so many ways...obviously set in france (this is always good, as i am NEVER bored with the french or parisian landscape/countryside), in french (so i could understand the odd snippet, but thankfully subtitles are improving so not too much is lost in translation) and just the most beautiful story line...
i commented to a fellow movie goer last night that one of the reasons i love french films so much is because of their simplicity - and the fact that even though the concepts or plots are rarely unique or new, the french way of telling them is what makes them the the fabulously rich experience they are...often putting a different spin on an otherwise prosaic plot line...
there is something beautifully simple about the french - and i mean that as the utmost compliment! god knows, i'm one of the worlds francophiles, loving almost anything french and honestly believing that they can do no wrong! why else would i make it a 'policy' (perhaps too strong a word but appropriate) to almost always include somewhere in france in every one of my holiday itinerarys??? in fact i can see my epitaph: 'next stop paris'...(not that i have any intention of checking out just yet! far from it, i have WAY too much yet to do and see...)
but i digress...the movie was about a woman (i'm guessing in her late 30's, early 40's) who had a visit from a notary - during the visit he gives her the first of many letters from her 7 year old self...see it turns out that when she was 7 there were some significant changes in her life and she decided to write her future self a series of letters to be delivered in late 2010...
what unfolded was an amazing, poignant, beautiful, sad, heart breaking, heart warming tale of her journey once the letters started arriving...throwing her life into chaos, necessitating the need to question one's life, purpose etc...magnifique is the only way i can describe it :-) bravo sophie marceau and director yann samuell...definitely my favourite of the 2011 offerings!
what made me a little nostalgic (actually, more than that, pretty sad really...) was Margeurite's childhood friend Philibert...their friendship reminded me so much of the friendship that Chris and I had before 'the event'...and i sat in the cinema for some time after the credits had rolled wishing that our ending could have been different...in so many ways...
ah nostalgia...
the wonderful sophie marceau was the lead actress and as always, she was fabulous! the movie was stunning - in so many ways...obviously set in france (this is always good, as i am NEVER bored with the french or parisian landscape/countryside), in french (so i could understand the odd snippet, but thankfully subtitles are improving so not too much is lost in translation) and just the most beautiful story line...
i commented to a fellow movie goer last night that one of the reasons i love french films so much is because of their simplicity - and the fact that even though the concepts or plots are rarely unique or new, the french way of telling them is what makes them the the fabulously rich experience they are...often putting a different spin on an otherwise prosaic plot line...
there is something beautifully simple about the french - and i mean that as the utmost compliment! god knows, i'm one of the worlds francophiles, loving almost anything french and honestly believing that they can do no wrong! why else would i make it a 'policy' (perhaps too strong a word but appropriate) to almost always include somewhere in france in every one of my holiday itinerarys??? in fact i can see my epitaph: 'next stop paris'...(not that i have any intention of checking out just yet! far from it, i have WAY too much yet to do and see...)
but i digress...the movie was about a woman (i'm guessing in her late 30's, early 40's) who had a visit from a notary - during the visit he gives her the first of many letters from her 7 year old self...see it turns out that when she was 7 there were some significant changes in her life and she decided to write her future self a series of letters to be delivered in late 2010...
what unfolded was an amazing, poignant, beautiful, sad, heart breaking, heart warming tale of her journey once the letters started arriving...throwing her life into chaos, necessitating the need to question one's life, purpose etc...magnifique is the only way i can describe it :-) bravo sophie marceau and director yann samuell...definitely my favourite of the 2011 offerings!
what made me a little nostalgic (actually, more than that, pretty sad really...) was Margeurite's childhood friend Philibert...their friendship reminded me so much of the friendship that Chris and I had before 'the event'...and i sat in the cinema for some time after the credits had rolled wishing that our ending could have been different...in so many ways...
ah nostalgia...
Friday, March 18, 2011
bored...
yep, i am terminally bored :-(
i spoke to a good friend this morning, the same friend from an earlier post (see 'lost' on 28 february...i'm still working out how to link previous posts - i'm sure there is a way!) and she has reached the same place i'm at - actually her expression (which makes me laugh) is 'i'm just so over myself'...
and i don't laugh at her, as her predicament isn't funny, i just love the way she expresses herself :-)
it's funny coz both of us are strong introverts on the MBTI scale and as such, are a bit surprised by how disconnected, lonely and isolated we feel in running our own businesses...you'd think that with our 'i' bent we would just love the time away from people! but no...turns out that we both are not enjoying it at all...
i am in a slightly more advanced stage of the realisation than this friend - possibly because i have been doing 'my own business' thing for a wee bit longer and have had a lot more time to contemplate how it's all working for me...added to which i am single and for most of the time i have run my biz, have been, so haven't had the distraction of a husband or a young child to take my mind off the situation...
that said, when she said this morning that she doesn't want to do it anymore, i totally totally understood that...neither do i :-(
and i'm not talking about the work with clients or the amazing coaching i do...nope, that bit i love and i hope that one day, if it feels right to do so, and i return to doing my own biz, that i will love it then too...and possibly moreso...
so, what i don't like is the isolation, the loneliness, the lack of a busy week, the number of things that i have to do to make sure the week is busy and the money comes in, the constant need to drum up business and be out there networking and selling, the constant reviewing the spreadsheet to see what the financial situation is...who am i kidding? it's not as if i actually need to review the spreadsheet!! one good thing about having a finance background is that, pretty much, at any given time i'm pretty clear on where things are at, and where they are at right now is not dire, but fast heading in that direction...:-(
so if i hadn't been offered a fabulous opportunity i may be having an entirely different sort of crisis...one where i felt i had to sell myself to get a job...as it turns out the opportunity in front of me is pretty much (at least right now) a perfect match to what i want to be doing if i have to work for someone else - admittedly, the real 'what i want to be when i grow up' is a coach...and that hasn't changed for some time, and probably won't (even though i am absolutely not writing off the possibility that if this job eventuates i may very well thoroughly enjoy it)...
see i am clear that taking this job is right for me...now
i'm clear that i want to be a coach but right now the business of being a coach is not panning out as i had hoped...and not through lack of trying...
only a few weeks ago i felt as though taking a job was tantamount to be admitting to being a failure or having a business that hadn't been successful! i no longer see it like that, and in fact have managed (very well indeed) to flip it around into nothing short of a huge professional compliment (which is what it is to do such good work for a client in such a way that they want to employ you in a full time senior role...)...
sooo now all that's left to work out are the fine details...you know, the remuneration, the timing etc etc...i am pretty sure that if i want this job then it will be mine, and i do want it...the only downside as far as i can tell, other than feeling like i will no longer be my own boss, is the having to extract myself from certain commitments....
no doubt that will evoke mixed feelings...but doesn't everything we do?
soo i'm bored, i'm sure it will pass, but right now, i'm bored...
i spoke to a good friend this morning, the same friend from an earlier post (see 'lost' on 28 february...i'm still working out how to link previous posts - i'm sure there is a way!) and she has reached the same place i'm at - actually her expression (which makes me laugh) is 'i'm just so over myself'...
and i don't laugh at her, as her predicament isn't funny, i just love the way she expresses herself :-)
it's funny coz both of us are strong introverts on the MBTI scale and as such, are a bit surprised by how disconnected, lonely and isolated we feel in running our own businesses...you'd think that with our 'i' bent we would just love the time away from people! but no...turns out that we both are not enjoying it at all...
i am in a slightly more advanced stage of the realisation than this friend - possibly because i have been doing 'my own business' thing for a wee bit longer and have had a lot more time to contemplate how it's all working for me...added to which i am single and for most of the time i have run my biz, have been, so haven't had the distraction of a husband or a young child to take my mind off the situation...
that said, when she said this morning that she doesn't want to do it anymore, i totally totally understood that...neither do i :-(
and i'm not talking about the work with clients or the amazing coaching i do...nope, that bit i love and i hope that one day, if it feels right to do so, and i return to doing my own biz, that i will love it then too...and possibly moreso...
so, what i don't like is the isolation, the loneliness, the lack of a busy week, the number of things that i have to do to make sure the week is busy and the money comes in, the constant need to drum up business and be out there networking and selling, the constant reviewing the spreadsheet to see what the financial situation is...who am i kidding? it's not as if i actually need to review the spreadsheet!! one good thing about having a finance background is that, pretty much, at any given time i'm pretty clear on where things are at, and where they are at right now is not dire, but fast heading in that direction...:-(
so if i hadn't been offered a fabulous opportunity i may be having an entirely different sort of crisis...one where i felt i had to sell myself to get a job...as it turns out the opportunity in front of me is pretty much (at least right now) a perfect match to what i want to be doing if i have to work for someone else - admittedly, the real 'what i want to be when i grow up' is a coach...and that hasn't changed for some time, and probably won't (even though i am absolutely not writing off the possibility that if this job eventuates i may very well thoroughly enjoy it)...
see i am clear that taking this job is right for me...now
i'm clear that i want to be a coach but right now the business of being a coach is not panning out as i had hoped...and not through lack of trying...
only a few weeks ago i felt as though taking a job was tantamount to be admitting to being a failure or having a business that hadn't been successful! i no longer see it like that, and in fact have managed (very well indeed) to flip it around into nothing short of a huge professional compliment (which is what it is to do such good work for a client in such a way that they want to employ you in a full time senior role...)...
sooo now all that's left to work out are the fine details...you know, the remuneration, the timing etc etc...i am pretty sure that if i want this job then it will be mine, and i do want it...the only downside as far as i can tell, other than feeling like i will no longer be my own boss, is the having to extract myself from certain commitments....
no doubt that will evoke mixed feelings...but doesn't everything we do?
soo i'm bored, i'm sure it will pass, but right now, i'm bored...
Thursday, March 17, 2011
flirting...
is an interesting topic and one i have had plenty (actually, probably way too much) of first hand experience at...i was young once remember! and sure, i think i was better at it when i was younger - or maybe i just thought i was better at it! anyway, i digress...
i don't do it as much these days, and that is partly because when you run your own business as a coach, consultant and therapist, it's not exactly kosher to be flirting with clients - and not only is it not kosher, it's just not ethical! but also i don't do it as much anymore, because when i think back to when i was younger and used to do it more often, methinks i used it as a way of getting my own way...you know my way of negotiating or bargaining to get the outcome i wanted!
shameless i know, but it's not entirely my fault, well at least it wasn't as conscious as i make it sound now - hindsight is a wonderful thing! the truth is that i didn't feel that i had the skills to get my own way any other way...of course, that is no longer the case, so if i flirt now, it's probably because i want to and not because i have the excuse of not knowing how else to ask for what i want! i think this is what we call self awareness and growing up...yay!
so, back to clients...it's not to say that i don't think about it or them in untoward ways, or wonder if they think about me in the same way...i do! it has happened to me (actually) on at least 2 occasions and i guess that's what peer supervision and indeed, individual supervision is all about...having someone to debrief with so that your own feelings don't get in the way of the client's professional relationship with you...it becomes tricky of course, when you think that the attraction might be mutual...ah, messy stuff!
anyway, the first time i was really comfortable to talk about all of this was in Paris at a coaching conference, when after a few bevvies a few of us girls got talking about 'attractive male clients' - i was so relieved to know that i wasn't the only one who occasionally found themselves wondering what it might be like to kiss a client, or to imagine them naked, or worse still to imagine you and them in some rather compromising situation...and don't get me wrong, i have NEVER acted inappropriately towards a client but still, the thought has crossed my mind and initially, i found it extremely disturbing...
so imagine my surprise this evening when i get an email from a client asking if i would like him to pick me up some shoes whilst he is away on an upcoming business trip...see, one thing most of my clients come to know about me if they work with me for any length of time is my shoe addiction, and this client, is no different in this regard...
and it sounds innocent enough right? an email between good colleagues perhaps, maybe who you could even call friends at a stretch? but it was the way he phrased his email and the way subsequent emails went back and forth between us, almost as if he was drawn into wanting to continue the conversation, that made me think something was going on...it was weird! threw me a bit...
and then as i was watching The Good Wife (which i loved, and thankfully was much better tonight than the last few weeks) it occurred to me that i actually think he might have been flirting with me...especially his last email (which i didn't respond to)...mmmm interesting!
and sure i know some of you will be reading this thinking 'how inappropriate', or 'how could he' etc etc, but reality is that at times, people who work closely together do form the sort of bond with each other that seems harder to form outside of work! this is why, a large number of people meet their partners at work...you spend a LOT of time together, sometimes in stressful situations and a bond just emerges...and i'm not necessarily saying this is the case with this particular client - sure, we spend a fair bit of time together, but mostly i think it's because he doesn't have too many people to confide it (given his situation) and he does that with me - it's also my role...so of course, it seems like a logical leap that he would feel very comfortable with me....
and i'm not saying it's right, and i'm not saying i will reciprocate (i don't find him attractive at all), i'm just saying i think he was flirting with me....oh, and did i mention that he is married...
and i guess that's what actually took me by surprise!
i wonder what he would do if i did reciprocate?
i don't do it as much these days, and that is partly because when you run your own business as a coach, consultant and therapist, it's not exactly kosher to be flirting with clients - and not only is it not kosher, it's just not ethical! but also i don't do it as much anymore, because when i think back to when i was younger and used to do it more often, methinks i used it as a way of getting my own way...you know my way of negotiating or bargaining to get the outcome i wanted!
shameless i know, but it's not entirely my fault, well at least it wasn't as conscious as i make it sound now - hindsight is a wonderful thing! the truth is that i didn't feel that i had the skills to get my own way any other way...of course, that is no longer the case, so if i flirt now, it's probably because i want to and not because i have the excuse of not knowing how else to ask for what i want! i think this is what we call self awareness and growing up...yay!
so, back to clients...it's not to say that i don't think about it or them in untoward ways, or wonder if they think about me in the same way...i do! it has happened to me (actually) on at least 2 occasions and i guess that's what peer supervision and indeed, individual supervision is all about...having someone to debrief with so that your own feelings don't get in the way of the client's professional relationship with you...it becomes tricky of course, when you think that the attraction might be mutual...ah, messy stuff!
anyway, the first time i was really comfortable to talk about all of this was in Paris at a coaching conference, when after a few bevvies a few of us girls got talking about 'attractive male clients' - i was so relieved to know that i wasn't the only one who occasionally found themselves wondering what it might be like to kiss a client, or to imagine them naked, or worse still to imagine you and them in some rather compromising situation...and don't get me wrong, i have NEVER acted inappropriately towards a client but still, the thought has crossed my mind and initially, i found it extremely disturbing...
so imagine my surprise this evening when i get an email from a client asking if i would like him to pick me up some shoes whilst he is away on an upcoming business trip...see, one thing most of my clients come to know about me if they work with me for any length of time is my shoe addiction, and this client, is no different in this regard...
and it sounds innocent enough right? an email between good colleagues perhaps, maybe who you could even call friends at a stretch? but it was the way he phrased his email and the way subsequent emails went back and forth between us, almost as if he was drawn into wanting to continue the conversation, that made me think something was going on...it was weird! threw me a bit...
and then as i was watching The Good Wife (which i loved, and thankfully was much better tonight than the last few weeks) it occurred to me that i actually think he might have been flirting with me...especially his last email (which i didn't respond to)...mmmm interesting!
and sure i know some of you will be reading this thinking 'how inappropriate', or 'how could he' etc etc, but reality is that at times, people who work closely together do form the sort of bond with each other that seems harder to form outside of work! this is why, a large number of people meet their partners at work...you spend a LOT of time together, sometimes in stressful situations and a bond just emerges...and i'm not necessarily saying this is the case with this particular client - sure, we spend a fair bit of time together, but mostly i think it's because he doesn't have too many people to confide it (given his situation) and he does that with me - it's also my role...so of course, it seems like a logical leap that he would feel very comfortable with me....
and i'm not saying it's right, and i'm not saying i will reciprocate (i don't find him attractive at all), i'm just saying i think he was flirting with me....oh, and did i mention that he is married...
and i guess that's what actually took me by surprise!
i wonder what he would do if i did reciprocate?
finally...
not only do i think i may have just kicked the most recently blogged about addiction (you know, the one that relates to him, the unmentionable doctor from the other nights post)...
yep, seems that a few months after he rocks my world, i feel good...and not just good, happy! it's kinda strange as i was pondering tonight how i feel right now and how much things have changed (from this time last week, last month, and even last year)...
and i finally feel happy :-) sometimes i feel so content with my lot that i wonder if i will ever be able to fit someone else in? is this typical i wonder? is it typical for a fabulous forty something woman to feel happy and wonder if there would be room for that special someone? and now i'm sounding (or maybe just hoping) like carrie bradshaw...i'm certain this is something she would write about...
so i'm not sure! perhaps some research is in order, for you know how much i love to research...
honestly though, i'm pretty sure when the right fella comes along that i'll make room for him, of course - perhaps it's a little bit of the old sarah who thinks there won't be room, coz in her world, not making room, means not being vulnerable and not opening the door to being hurt...
but she is gone right...right? left the building, or simply on the way out?
i guess only time will tell...but what i can tell you is that she is a whole lot closer to the door than she has ever been before, and it's feeling pretty neat :-)
yep, seems that a few months after he rocks my world, i feel good...and not just good, happy! it's kinda strange as i was pondering tonight how i feel right now and how much things have changed (from this time last week, last month, and even last year)...
and i finally feel happy :-) sometimes i feel so content with my lot that i wonder if i will ever be able to fit someone else in? is this typical i wonder? is it typical for a fabulous forty something woman to feel happy and wonder if there would be room for that special someone? and now i'm sounding (or maybe just hoping) like carrie bradshaw...i'm certain this is something she would write about...
so i'm not sure! perhaps some research is in order, for you know how much i love to research...
honestly though, i'm pretty sure when the right fella comes along that i'll make room for him, of course - perhaps it's a little bit of the old sarah who thinks there won't be room, coz in her world, not making room, means not being vulnerable and not opening the door to being hurt...
but she is gone right...right? left the building, or simply on the way out?
i guess only time will tell...but what i can tell you is that she is a whole lot closer to the door than she has ever been before, and it's feeling pretty neat :-)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
too many balls in the air...
4 days on and i'm still sick...I am totally over it...:-(
doctor wasn't much use, although nice and gave me some practical suggestions! thankfully, he said i am not dehydrated...
but i'm over it! i'm bored, too much time makes my mind wander to places it shouldn't go and really, i'd much rather be feeling well and occupied to avoid the inevitable giving in to temptation that comes from being idle...
sooo please universe, let me wake up feeling much much better tomorrow so that i can get on with things!
on the flip side, i just got a call from a former mate at 'the bank' who may want me to coach his team of 8!! lovely compliment but of course, will become a dilemma if the 'other opportunity' becomes a reality! that combined with a potential new client i'm meeting tomorrow is going to make the decision harder...but methinks, not impossible! but either way there is going to be one ball that inevitably has to be dropped...
i never did like juggling!
doctor wasn't much use, although nice and gave me some practical suggestions! thankfully, he said i am not dehydrated...
but i'm over it! i'm bored, too much time makes my mind wander to places it shouldn't go and really, i'd much rather be feeling well and occupied to avoid the inevitable giving in to temptation that comes from being idle...
sooo please universe, let me wake up feeling much much better tomorrow so that i can get on with things!
on the flip side, i just got a call from a former mate at 'the bank' who may want me to coach his team of 8!! lovely compliment but of course, will become a dilemma if the 'other opportunity' becomes a reality! that combined with a potential new client i'm meeting tomorrow is going to make the decision harder...but methinks, not impossible! but either way there is going to be one ball that inevitably has to be dropped...
i never did like juggling!
Monday, March 14, 2011
i'm giving in...
and have booked an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow...
so the gastro is showing no signs (despite a fabulous 4 hours this morning) of letting up and i think i need an 'intervention'....
not sure what they will do really! i don't seem to be dehydrated (that will be the copious amounts of water, ribena and the odd cup of tea i'm drinking, combined with the gastrolyte...yuk!) which is good, i have very little pain, but i am starting to get tired of not being able to leave the bathroom...
sooo i've given in and will be seeing the doctor tomorrow...
and speaking of doctors...nah, that's a story for another time...but suffice it to say, the fat lady doesn't appear to have sung yet!
so the gastro is showing no signs (despite a fabulous 4 hours this morning) of letting up and i think i need an 'intervention'....
not sure what they will do really! i don't seem to be dehydrated (that will be the copious amounts of water, ribena and the odd cup of tea i'm drinking, combined with the gastrolyte...yuk!) which is good, i have very little pain, but i am starting to get tired of not being able to leave the bathroom...
sooo i've given in and will be seeing the doctor tomorrow...
and speaking of doctors...nah, that's a story for another time...but suffice it to say, the fat lady doesn't appear to have sung yet!
meditation or league?
that was the biggest decision i had to make today really...well, of course being sick didn't exactly mean there was a real decision...
since saturday morning i haven't really been able to leave the house for more than an hour or so at a time, so it wasn't much of a decision! and i'm not certain that watching my team is EVER going to be as relaxing as meditation but what i have learned about meditation is that it's aim is to focus single pointedly on one thing and honestly, i was single pointedly focused on seeing the Bullies win...and seeing them win was therapeutic! maybe not in a relaxing, calming, clearing the mind sort of a way...but good all the same! of course i'm not going to be so lenient on myself in future rounds (i think, thankfully, that Bullies only have 2 other Monday night games) as the benefits of meditation in the long term will surely, outweigh watching football! (you think???)
but of course, i chose league! yep, sad but true! first round of the NRL and the Bulldogs first home game of the season - as if i'm missing that...right??
and all of the so called 'experts' and the commentators picked Wests to win, and i'm not sure what i was expecting other than the usual dose of Bulldogs commitment...and that's exactly what we got...
sure there were far too many errors - dropped balls, missed tackles, penalties, sloppy tackles etc, but still, for the first game of a season with a relatively new team, it was a GREAT effort...
team didn't look the same without Luke Patten - for soooo long he was a trademark at the bullies, and i for one, missed watching him at fullback! Ben Barba did an awesome job and might really make that posi his own as the season unfolds...pity Josh Morris (fabulous first try!) hurt his knee and i hope it won't be a season ending injury...
new guys played well although Paea could do with some of the Bulldogs discipline instilled in him! Frank Pritchard had a great game in the blue and white and Hodkinson (formerly of the Sea Eagles) had a blinder! Keating (formerly of the Eels) also had a great debut in the better colours...
soooo as the evenings get darker earlier and the nights get cooler (or maybe that's just my hope!), it's footy season again - and that is good...it's just not cricket to be watching cricket now the footy is on!!
Bulldogs 24 - Tigers 14!
woof woof...
since saturday morning i haven't really been able to leave the house for more than an hour or so at a time, so it wasn't much of a decision! and i'm not certain that watching my team is EVER going to be as relaxing as meditation but what i have learned about meditation is that it's aim is to focus single pointedly on one thing and honestly, i was single pointedly focused on seeing the Bullies win...and seeing them win was therapeutic! maybe not in a relaxing, calming, clearing the mind sort of a way...but good all the same! of course i'm not going to be so lenient on myself in future rounds (i think, thankfully, that Bullies only have 2 other Monday night games) as the benefits of meditation in the long term will surely, outweigh watching football! (you think???)
but of course, i chose league! yep, sad but true! first round of the NRL and the Bulldogs first home game of the season - as if i'm missing that...right??
and all of the so called 'experts' and the commentators picked Wests to win, and i'm not sure what i was expecting other than the usual dose of Bulldogs commitment...and that's exactly what we got...
sure there were far too many errors - dropped balls, missed tackles, penalties, sloppy tackles etc, but still, for the first game of a season with a relatively new team, it was a GREAT effort...
team didn't look the same without Luke Patten - for soooo long he was a trademark at the bullies, and i for one, missed watching him at fullback! Ben Barba did an awesome job and might really make that posi his own as the season unfolds...pity Josh Morris (fabulous first try!) hurt his knee and i hope it won't be a season ending injury...
new guys played well although Paea could do with some of the Bulldogs discipline instilled in him! Frank Pritchard had a great game in the blue and white and Hodkinson (formerly of the Sea Eagles) had a blinder! Keating (formerly of the Eels) also had a great debut in the better colours...
soooo as the evenings get darker earlier and the nights get cooler (or maybe that's just my hope!), it's footy season again - and that is good...it's just not cricket to be watching cricket now the footy is on!!
Bulldogs 24 - Tigers 14!
woof woof...
bits...
so i find out today that someone has read 'bits' of the blog...
funny too that he made reference to one particular post that he stumbled upon??? see, there have been a whole series of posts about him (and others entirely unrelated) since he arrived on the scene...and it's kinda funny to me that he chose to read some and not others...wonder what his decision making process was?
title?
first line?
who knows really - maybe i never will - maybe soon it won't seem so important for me to know...
but really, i'm glad...
glad that he has started to read it! glad that he could read the whole thing (if he chose) so he can understand (or at least try) my side of things, glad that he has an opportunity to see things from my perspective, to be in my shoes as it were...
and i'm glad that when his number popped up on my phone today i didn't feel the butterflies in my stomach that i used to feel when his number/name popped up...
glad :-)
funny too that he made reference to one particular post that he stumbled upon??? see, there have been a whole series of posts about him (and others entirely unrelated) since he arrived on the scene...and it's kinda funny to me that he chose to read some and not others...wonder what his decision making process was?
title?
first line?
who knows really - maybe i never will - maybe soon it won't seem so important for me to know...
but really, i'm glad...
glad that he has started to read it! glad that he could read the whole thing (if he chose) so he can understand (or at least try) my side of things, glad that he has an opportunity to see things from my perspective, to be in my shoes as it were...
and i'm glad that when his number popped up on my phone today i didn't feel the butterflies in my stomach that i used to feel when his number/name popped up...
glad :-)
that sixth sense...
is a wonderful thing! when we listen to it...
so this morning i was chatting to one of my best friends about a coupla things and we got onto dreams, mindfulness, intuition - so a good chat really - loads of the topics i love to chat about...kinda funny though that only a few hours ago we were talking about it, and then, just now, i really really needed to use mine!
so i'm on the phone to a potential client today and i get a sense (or is it a feeling??) that there is something i'm not being told, something i need to know and something that if i know, will alter my response to this person and whether or not i offer my service as a counsellor to him...so i follow my intuition and ask a very difficult (read as personal, probing and confronting) question...
what he goes on to tell me is that the issue is incest....it doesn't horrify me (i'm a trained therapist, so i'm not easily shockable), doesn't make me uncomfortable necessarily, but it is NOT an area i want to be working in, and i'm very clear on that! funny coz as a student and a novice counsellor, and more so, a person without a strong voice (and i don't mean vocally!), i would have struggled or felt bad for having the conversation i just had, but not today....and honestly, i am very very glad that i chose to listen to my intuition today...
it's funny, but because our intuition isn't visible we often under-estimate it's power, we often don't believe that it's more real than something we can see, feel, hear, smell or taste...but it is! and when we use it and listen to it and start to embrace it....it often works WAY better than the other senses! as i said to my girl friend this morning, just coz you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not real!
guess that's why it's called the sixth sense...and even though we can't see it, touch it, smell it etc, there is definitely a SENSE one gets when we should be listening to our intuition...
so this morning i was chatting to one of my best friends about a coupla things and we got onto dreams, mindfulness, intuition - so a good chat really - loads of the topics i love to chat about...kinda funny though that only a few hours ago we were talking about it, and then, just now, i really really needed to use mine!
so i'm on the phone to a potential client today and i get a sense (or is it a feeling??) that there is something i'm not being told, something i need to know and something that if i know, will alter my response to this person and whether or not i offer my service as a counsellor to him...so i follow my intuition and ask a very difficult (read as personal, probing and confronting) question...
what he goes on to tell me is that the issue is incest....it doesn't horrify me (i'm a trained therapist, so i'm not easily shockable), doesn't make me uncomfortable necessarily, but it is NOT an area i want to be working in, and i'm very clear on that! funny coz as a student and a novice counsellor, and more so, a person without a strong voice (and i don't mean vocally!), i would have struggled or felt bad for having the conversation i just had, but not today....and honestly, i am very very glad that i chose to listen to my intuition today...
it's funny, but because our intuition isn't visible we often under-estimate it's power, we often don't believe that it's more real than something we can see, feel, hear, smell or taste...but it is! and when we use it and listen to it and start to embrace it....it often works WAY better than the other senses! as i said to my girl friend this morning, just coz you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not real!
guess that's why it's called the sixth sense...and even though we can't see it, touch it, smell it etc, there is definitely a SENSE one gets when we should be listening to our intuition...
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