the bet that is...the bet i made with myself that is...yep, i know, you think i'm mad...
soooo he said he'd ring monday to organise tennis for wednesday - he hasn't rung and sure, i know monday is not yet over, but he invariably NEVER makes contact unless he's at work or out drinking...
and honestly, i didn't really think he would call, and i don't really think tennis is going to eventuate...so i'm not surprised, i'm not even sure if i'm disappointed? honestly, i'm not sure...perhaps i'll contemplate that at meditation tonight...
other than winning the bet (yep, the bet with myself!) the day has been largely uneventful, bar a lovely catch up with one of my dear friends...see earlier post titled 'lost', and since spending a great few hours with her, i have done a whole lot of thinking...
came to a few conclusions! 1) it's probably a bit dangerous to say 'never'...and 2) changing my mind doesn't mean i failed!
sooo, dinner and then meditation, what a perfect way to end the start to my week...
Monday, February 28, 2011
lost....
is how a girlfriend just told me she was feeling, and in a way, i do too! i haven't blogged about this for many reasons....but i miss the structure of going to work! sure i love the autonomy and flexibility i have right now, but as i just told my mum, and this friend, i'm just not busy enough! and it leaves me with far too much time on my hands, which for someone who's as much in their head as me, that just isn't healthy!
so today is not much different from any other day when i don't have clients booked in - sure there's a freedom associated with not having to be somewhere, but there is also the boredom, the lack of challenge, the lack of interaction, the loneliness and sometimes (and this is the bit that scares me) the sense that i have no purpose....
and even though i absolutely LOVE what i do, there just isn't enough of it to keep me engaged/motivated/occupied...
watch this space!
so today is not much different from any other day when i don't have clients booked in - sure there's a freedom associated with not having to be somewhere, but there is also the boredom, the lack of challenge, the lack of interaction, the loneliness and sometimes (and this is the bit that scares me) the sense that i have no purpose....
and even though i absolutely LOVE what i do, there just isn't enough of it to keep me engaged/motivated/occupied...
watch this space!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
determined...
not to let the decision, and resulting action, of very early Friday morning impact the freedom that i usually post with....
determined, and yet thinking about it...
it'll wear off....it will wear off....will it?
determined, and yet thinking about it...
it'll wear off....it will wear off....will it?
i'm done!
yep, i'm done with certain people and their expectations of me and this weeks lesson has just re-affirmed that! especially as it relates to friendship...
now that almost a week has passed since the first email from these friends expressing their 'collective disappointment' in me, followed up by another once i had responded...i find myself thinking that i have no desire to be on this one way street with them...the old me would have worked hard to find a way to stay on the street and even out all those bumps....but no more! i'm done...
i thought, perhaps misguidedly, that friendship was a two way street, that it was ok to make the odd transgression, that forgiveness was present, that being able to see things from an another's perspective was a feature? apparently not...
and this is not the first time this stuff has come up with friends, but you know, for the first time in ages (truthfully, probably ever!), other than the first 3 hours after receiving the email, i have decided not to let their expression of disappointment derail me or my week and have not even the slightest inclination to beat myself up and turn myself into a pretzel trying to make things right (yep, i do this...let me rephrase that: i used to do that!)...
nope, i am no longer that girl who can be thrown headlong into the guilt, needing to make amends, not trusting she was right or had a right to her feelings, and so of course, my return email, whilst genuine and kind and honest, was probably not quite what they were expecting and consequently, i get yet another 'we're disappointed in you' email...
well you know what? fuck them is all i can say...i am done with doing what everyone else (them in this instance) wants of me, i'm done with keeping quiet when something is important to me and i'm done with finding myself in one way streets....and as the week has gone on i have had plenty of time to consider what this friendship means to me and historically, sure, it has been a good and supportive friendship, but now as it is starting to unravel in front of my eyes, i can't actually see what it holds for me?
if i can't be myself and be honest and open with my thoughts/feelings, then really, what is it but a facade? and i have absolutely no desire to continue to be in relationships if i am required to play a certain game where i'm not myself...life really is too short for that and having spent a large amount of the previous 42 years doing that, i choose not to going forward!
soooo what that now means i guess is that as i go about making the changes in my life that are important to me, there will be some friendships that survive the change and some that won't...it's sure gonna be interesting to see which survive and prosper and which fall by the wayside...
now that almost a week has passed since the first email from these friends expressing their 'collective disappointment' in me, followed up by another once i had responded...i find myself thinking that i have no desire to be on this one way street with them...the old me would have worked hard to find a way to stay on the street and even out all those bumps....but no more! i'm done...
i thought, perhaps misguidedly, that friendship was a two way street, that it was ok to make the odd transgression, that forgiveness was present, that being able to see things from an another's perspective was a feature? apparently not...
and this is not the first time this stuff has come up with friends, but you know, for the first time in ages (truthfully, probably ever!), other than the first 3 hours after receiving the email, i have decided not to let their expression of disappointment derail me or my week and have not even the slightest inclination to beat myself up and turn myself into a pretzel trying to make things right (yep, i do this...let me rephrase that: i used to do that!)...
nope, i am no longer that girl who can be thrown headlong into the guilt, needing to make amends, not trusting she was right or had a right to her feelings, and so of course, my return email, whilst genuine and kind and honest, was probably not quite what they were expecting and consequently, i get yet another 'we're disappointed in you' email...
well you know what? fuck them is all i can say...i am done with doing what everyone else (them in this instance) wants of me, i'm done with keeping quiet when something is important to me and i'm done with finding myself in one way streets....and as the week has gone on i have had plenty of time to consider what this friendship means to me and historically, sure, it has been a good and supportive friendship, but now as it is starting to unravel in front of my eyes, i can't actually see what it holds for me?
if i can't be myself and be honest and open with my thoughts/feelings, then really, what is it but a facade? and i have absolutely no desire to continue to be in relationships if i am required to play a certain game where i'm not myself...life really is too short for that and having spent a large amount of the previous 42 years doing that, i choose not to going forward!
soooo what that now means i guess is that as i go about making the changes in my life that are important to me, there will be some friendships that survive the change and some that won't...it's sure gonna be interesting to see which survive and prosper and which fall by the wayside...
Friday, February 25, 2011
and just for a fleeting moment
the sinking feeling returned today...
so imagine my surprise when the same person of monday's post fame (that sinking feeling) emails me again today to tell me again just how disappointed she is in me...
fuck, seriously! i am over people who just can't forgive anything in friends, and then, in addition to expressing her disappointment she tells me that my email back to her didn't have enough thought put into it....mmmm, wonder how she would know how much thought i had put into it??? guess she has powers i haven't yet stumbled across...
soo for a moment i was not happy, and started to contemplate a response, and then, you know what i did? i deleted it and haven't responded, and don't intend to!
wow, this is such a turn around from the old me - i would have responded and willingly entered into some sort of ridiculous and possibly childish email battle about who's disappointment was greater etc etc, but really, i don't care...
when i emailed her monday, i knew that the friendship was on the rocks - in fact i had felt this way when i stayed with them in june 2010 and since coming home i have sensed a shift - i even mentioned this in the email....
soooo the sinking feeling did appear for a fleeting moment, and i'd be lying if i didn't admit to feeling a wee bit sad by the fact that this friendship is quite possibly on it's last legs, but seriously, do i need friends in my life who are going to be disappointed when i voice my side of things and when i too admit to being disappointed?
i think not!
sooo it would seem that a lot of changes are going on for me, and as Sal and I talked about, it could create some tension in some of my old friendships - i fully accept that when someone attempts fundamental behavioural change it upsets those relationships that have been constructed on a different foundation - i get that...but for me, it's important that i have the right friends around me, ones who will be ok with be voicing my side of things, rather than just continuing to take responsibility for everything and saying sorry, when actually i don't think i really have anything to be sorry for...
i also thought, perhaps mistakenly, that friendship, good friendship anyway, allowed for some margin of error? does it? maybe not with this particular friend? if i have to be perfect (in their eyes, and in the way they want me to be) and never step over that fragile line, are these really the sort of friends i want?
soooo it's true, i'm a wee bit sad, not as sad as i am that jonathan kaplan (that bloody useless south african referee) saw fit to award a very soft penalty to the Rebels which cost my Brumbies the game, but sad none the less...
i'm tired, it's been a hugely emotional and enlightening 24 hours or so and i just want to go to bed and sleep...
and re tennis, i am having a bet with myself that it is NOT going to eventuate! only question now is what the wager is!
so imagine my surprise when the same person of monday's post fame (that sinking feeling) emails me again today to tell me again just how disappointed she is in me...
fuck, seriously! i am over people who just can't forgive anything in friends, and then, in addition to expressing her disappointment she tells me that my email back to her didn't have enough thought put into it....mmmm, wonder how she would know how much thought i had put into it??? guess she has powers i haven't yet stumbled across...
soo for a moment i was not happy, and started to contemplate a response, and then, you know what i did? i deleted it and haven't responded, and don't intend to!
wow, this is such a turn around from the old me - i would have responded and willingly entered into some sort of ridiculous and possibly childish email battle about who's disappointment was greater etc etc, but really, i don't care...
when i emailed her monday, i knew that the friendship was on the rocks - in fact i had felt this way when i stayed with them in june 2010 and since coming home i have sensed a shift - i even mentioned this in the email....
soooo the sinking feeling did appear for a fleeting moment, and i'd be lying if i didn't admit to feeling a wee bit sad by the fact that this friendship is quite possibly on it's last legs, but seriously, do i need friends in my life who are going to be disappointed when i voice my side of things and when i too admit to being disappointed?
i think not!
sooo it would seem that a lot of changes are going on for me, and as Sal and I talked about, it could create some tension in some of my old friendships - i fully accept that when someone attempts fundamental behavioural change it upsets those relationships that have been constructed on a different foundation - i get that...but for me, it's important that i have the right friends around me, ones who will be ok with be voicing my side of things, rather than just continuing to take responsibility for everything and saying sorry, when actually i don't think i really have anything to be sorry for...
i also thought, perhaps mistakenly, that friendship, good friendship anyway, allowed for some margin of error? does it? maybe not with this particular friend? if i have to be perfect (in their eyes, and in the way they want me to be) and never step over that fragile line, are these really the sort of friends i want?
soooo it's true, i'm a wee bit sad, not as sad as i am that jonathan kaplan (that bloody useless south african referee) saw fit to award a very soft penalty to the Rebels which cost my Brumbies the game, but sad none the less...
i'm tired, it's been a hugely emotional and enlightening 24 hours or so and i just want to go to bed and sleep...
and re tennis, i am having a bet with myself that it is NOT going to eventuate! only question now is what the wager is!
tennis anyone?
not really sure what to think....so we talk today and he tells me something and i get to thinking about how 'biased' we (and by we, i mean me!) can be at times...how closed we can be to anothers perspective, and of course in my defence, there were plenty of good reasons (not the least of which my not needing to be hurt again by him) for not allowing myself to see his side of things....
of course this is entirely normal right? most people don't spend a lot of their time considering things from another perspective - if they did, i probably wouldn't have a job doing what i do because if people did it for themselves, they certainly wouldn't need to come and have me help them do it! but even me, who does spend a lot of time (too much historically actually, hence my new freedom in not doing it as much) didn't really (other than a fleeting thought when he first turned up) think about not only it, but his life, from a perspective other than mine....and now he's given me a glimpse (perhaps we could say that he has been vulnerable with me?) i have a slightly different take on it...
seems i had previously built up this 'picture' of him and his life and i did that to protect myself and to (if i'm being really honest) find a way not to like him....but he shared something with me today that (and it wasn't big or mind blowing and probably he didn't think anything of it at all) that makes me think that, even though we may think that someone else's life is picture perfect, often they aren't....
sooooo, tennis anyone?
of course this is entirely normal right? most people don't spend a lot of their time considering things from another perspective - if they did, i probably wouldn't have a job doing what i do because if people did it for themselves, they certainly wouldn't need to come and have me help them do it! but even me, who does spend a lot of time (too much historically actually, hence my new freedom in not doing it as much) didn't really (other than a fleeting thought when he first turned up) think about not only it, but his life, from a perspective other than mine....and now he's given me a glimpse (perhaps we could say that he has been vulnerable with me?) i have a slightly different take on it...
seems i had previously built up this 'picture' of him and his life and i did that to protect myself and to (if i'm being really honest) find a way not to like him....but he shared something with me today that (and it wasn't big or mind blowing and probably he didn't think anything of it at all) that makes me think that, even though we may think that someone else's life is picture perfect, often they aren't....
sooooo, tennis anyone?
i feel good...
about my decision to finally do what i have resisted for months....i do! at 1am i thought it was a good idea, and at nearly 7am (having watched the sun come up) i still think it's a good idea...
where one door closes, another surely opens...
so here's to the opening of a new door, and what might be on the other side x
where one door closes, another surely opens...
so here's to the opening of a new door, and what might be on the other side x
Thursday, February 24, 2011
p.s. about Chris...
soooo i thought i'd kicked it! the addictive habit that is Chris...but it seems my 'walk' to the therapist yesterday, which had me go right past the front door of his workplace, brought back a little of my old ways....
and you know, i hadn't even realised as i planned to walk down there that i would have to traverse his hunting ground, and as i approached and realised, i confess, i got that feeling in the pit of my stomach - the feeling that in the old days i thought were butterflies of excitement, but now i realise are much more an indicator that my body is issuing a warning of sorts....
of course when you haven't listened to your body's cues for 30 years or more, it's difficult to start doing that and to identify the messages, some of which seem, at times, so very similar...
sooo as i walk towards the Mater and realise that he is in there, i start weighing up whether i should text him or not? and you know, i cannot for the life of me think of one good reason to do so....and it's then i notice this compulsion to do it anyway, like an addiction, and that's because it is! i hoped that i wouldn't give in, but it seems the addiction wins....no matter how much i am trying 'not moving towards', 'being vulnerable' and 'not giving in to the addiction', it would seem i am still in the experimental stage....so i craft an appropriately casual message, dig through the notes section of my iphone to retrieve his number which yet again i have removed from contacts, but for emergencies (yep!) have stored in the notes section, transpose the number from one place to the other and hit send...
and then i become acutely aware of what happens! the quickening of my heart rate (which is nothing to do with the pace at which i am hurtling down the Pacific Highway), the constant desire to check and see if there is a response and the wee bit of guilt i feel having done something i promised myself i wouldn't do....
another broken promise :-(
i don't come clean and tell Sal (my therapist)...she won't judge me, but she doesn't need to as i've already judged myself :-(
seems as i reflect on this, it frightens me just how much this behaviour seems normal to me....normal in that it seems to be what i've always done...meaning when i do something (i.e. move towards, not stay in my stuff etc) it sets off a series of events in my brain and all of a sudden i find myself on a course i didn't choose but of course, i must have, and feeling out of control....eek!
and when i look back on all this and tell myself i was 'innocently' saying hi as i walked past the Mater, i realise that finding myself in the midst of this little game will only end up backfiring and leaving me feeling small - it will, it's just a matter of time...and yet i couldn't stop myself from playing....
the previous appeal of playing these games has not only worn thin, but frankly, is starting to be seen for what it really is: faulty behaviour, and when i apply some hindsight, i cannot actually see what the real appeal is - more like it is just something i have done for soo long, that to do something else just feels weird and uncomfortable...mmm perhaps this is EXACTLY what Sal meant when she suggested I try out vulnerable???
it's funny, after the initial desire to get his response, i stop thinking about it and move on with the remainder of my work day and evening...when i finally see his number appear on my screen the next morning it has almost no impact....a few texts go back and forth and then i find myself largely disinterested in continuing this conversation and when i start to think about it all as i drive home, i think that the fantasy that only a few weeks ago held such an enormous grip on me, may be starting to dissolve, and perhaps there is a new fantasy emerging in it's place....
soooo, it's a time of big change, a time of exploration and some trial & error for me, but mostly it's a chance to really start thinking about who i want to be and how i want to live my life....so it would seem there is progress after all, and who doesn't love progress?
nite x
ps and in a coupla weeks i have a date...:-)
and you know, i hadn't even realised as i planned to walk down there that i would have to traverse his hunting ground, and as i approached and realised, i confess, i got that feeling in the pit of my stomach - the feeling that in the old days i thought were butterflies of excitement, but now i realise are much more an indicator that my body is issuing a warning of sorts....
of course when you haven't listened to your body's cues for 30 years or more, it's difficult to start doing that and to identify the messages, some of which seem, at times, so very similar...
sooo as i walk towards the Mater and realise that he is in there, i start weighing up whether i should text him or not? and you know, i cannot for the life of me think of one good reason to do so....and it's then i notice this compulsion to do it anyway, like an addiction, and that's because it is! i hoped that i wouldn't give in, but it seems the addiction wins....no matter how much i am trying 'not moving towards', 'being vulnerable' and 'not giving in to the addiction', it would seem i am still in the experimental stage....so i craft an appropriately casual message, dig through the notes section of my iphone to retrieve his number which yet again i have removed from contacts, but for emergencies (yep!) have stored in the notes section, transpose the number from one place to the other and hit send...
and then i become acutely aware of what happens! the quickening of my heart rate (which is nothing to do with the pace at which i am hurtling down the Pacific Highway), the constant desire to check and see if there is a response and the wee bit of guilt i feel having done something i promised myself i wouldn't do....
another broken promise :-(
i don't come clean and tell Sal (my therapist)...she won't judge me, but she doesn't need to as i've already judged myself :-(
seems as i reflect on this, it frightens me just how much this behaviour seems normal to me....normal in that it seems to be what i've always done...meaning when i do something (i.e. move towards, not stay in my stuff etc) it sets off a series of events in my brain and all of a sudden i find myself on a course i didn't choose but of course, i must have, and feeling out of control....eek!
and when i look back on all this and tell myself i was 'innocently' saying hi as i walked past the Mater, i realise that finding myself in the midst of this little game will only end up backfiring and leaving me feeling small - it will, it's just a matter of time...and yet i couldn't stop myself from playing....
the previous appeal of playing these games has not only worn thin, but frankly, is starting to be seen for what it really is: faulty behaviour, and when i apply some hindsight, i cannot actually see what the real appeal is - more like it is just something i have done for soo long, that to do something else just feels weird and uncomfortable...mmm perhaps this is EXACTLY what Sal meant when she suggested I try out vulnerable???
it's funny, after the initial desire to get his response, i stop thinking about it and move on with the remainder of my work day and evening...when i finally see his number appear on my screen the next morning it has almost no impact....a few texts go back and forth and then i find myself largely disinterested in continuing this conversation and when i start to think about it all as i drive home, i think that the fantasy that only a few weeks ago held such an enormous grip on me, may be starting to dissolve, and perhaps there is a new fantasy emerging in it's place....
soooo, it's a time of big change, a time of exploration and some trial & error for me, but mostly it's a chance to really start thinking about who i want to be and how i want to live my life....so it would seem there is progress after all, and who doesn't love progress?
nite x
ps and in a coupla weeks i have a date...:-)
seems there is a metaphor in the mundane...
so as i recounted my last two weeks to my therapist yesterday i had something of an epiphany (i guess this is to be expected when one is in a personal transition, phase of amazing growth)...
see some weeks ago my kitchen light went on the blink...so i did what i figured was the thing to do...get a replacement flouro tube (enough said, seriously i should get rid of the bloody thing altogether as i really am no fan of the flouro light)...seemed to work, for a day or so and then it stopped working again...
so you'd think, as it will shortly be autumn which will mean daylight savings time ends (sob sob) and the darkness will set in hours earlier than it does right now, that i would be motivated to have it fixed so that i won't be cooking in the dark (or to the light of the overhead extractor fan and open microwave!)...
but no! i just cannot be arsed even doing anything about it and funnily enough, it has ceased to annoy me - i have simply adjusted around it...
and so in the middle of my session with sal and my big revelations about the monday email and my conversation with Rach, i realised that the kitchen light is actually a fabulous metaphor for where i find myself right now...not taking responsibility for everything and everyone, and you know what? it is soooooo freeing, so liberating and frankly so addictive!
and it's not just the light...i find myself not doing stuff that i know in my family would just not be acceptable! you know, not cleaning the car (as evidenced by the not one, but two, rotting apple cores and the multitude of wrappers, empty bottles etc that decorate the passenger seat floor), not cleaning the house, not paying bills, in fact, not even opening the large majority of mail that gets deposited into my mailbox...
nope, none of these mundane tasks, which i used to be rather 'on top of' are of any interest to me these days...
and you know what? years ago i might have worried that i was losing my grip, but actually i think this developing attitude actually heralds that i have a grip more than before...a grip on the things that matter to me rather than an ordered and seemingly perfect life...
i even did not tidy up the house before Rach's visit - i confess i did make the bed, but the bombsite that my dining room table has looked like for weeks, since i started piling up 'stuff' i no longer want and intend to sell on ebay, didn't even get a look in, and you know, i didn't even feel bad! i didn't feel the need to make excuses and i realise that the only person who ever cared about this crap previously was me - my friends don't care if my house, or me for that matter, isn't perfect...seems that was me...although i will not deny that in the past, things like that were important to me...actually, they probably weren't but my conditioning as a child made it such that my mothers expectations eventually became my own....and of course it didn't occur to me to rebel!
soooo it seems that rather than becoming more responsible as we get older, this little black duck is getting less responsible and LOVING it! and loving the feeling of being a rebel....can't say that is a very familiar feeling!
soooo thanks to my kitchen light, i have learned a valuable lesson and one i hope that in future, even if there is light in the kitchen, i remember and continue to embrace....xx
see some weeks ago my kitchen light went on the blink...so i did what i figured was the thing to do...get a replacement flouro tube (enough said, seriously i should get rid of the bloody thing altogether as i really am no fan of the flouro light)...seemed to work, for a day or so and then it stopped working again...
so you'd think, as it will shortly be autumn which will mean daylight savings time ends (sob sob) and the darkness will set in hours earlier than it does right now, that i would be motivated to have it fixed so that i won't be cooking in the dark (or to the light of the overhead extractor fan and open microwave!)...
but no! i just cannot be arsed even doing anything about it and funnily enough, it has ceased to annoy me - i have simply adjusted around it...
and so in the middle of my session with sal and my big revelations about the monday email and my conversation with Rach, i realised that the kitchen light is actually a fabulous metaphor for where i find myself right now...not taking responsibility for everything and everyone, and you know what? it is soooooo freeing, so liberating and frankly so addictive!
and it's not just the light...i find myself not doing stuff that i know in my family would just not be acceptable! you know, not cleaning the car (as evidenced by the not one, but two, rotting apple cores and the multitude of wrappers, empty bottles etc that decorate the passenger seat floor), not cleaning the house, not paying bills, in fact, not even opening the large majority of mail that gets deposited into my mailbox...
nope, none of these mundane tasks, which i used to be rather 'on top of' are of any interest to me these days...
and you know what? years ago i might have worried that i was losing my grip, but actually i think this developing attitude actually heralds that i have a grip more than before...a grip on the things that matter to me rather than an ordered and seemingly perfect life...
i even did not tidy up the house before Rach's visit - i confess i did make the bed, but the bombsite that my dining room table has looked like for weeks, since i started piling up 'stuff' i no longer want and intend to sell on ebay, didn't even get a look in, and you know, i didn't even feel bad! i didn't feel the need to make excuses and i realise that the only person who ever cared about this crap previously was me - my friends don't care if my house, or me for that matter, isn't perfect...seems that was me...although i will not deny that in the past, things like that were important to me...actually, they probably weren't but my conditioning as a child made it such that my mothers expectations eventually became my own....and of course it didn't occur to me to rebel!
soooo it seems that rather than becoming more responsible as we get older, this little black duck is getting less responsible and LOVING it! and loving the feeling of being a rebel....can't say that is a very familiar feeling!
soooo thanks to my kitchen light, i have learned a valuable lesson and one i hope that in future, even if there is light in the kitchen, i remember and continue to embrace....xx
like a cloud in the sky....
that sinking feeling eventually passed :-) i love monday night meditation...not only is it a great way to finish my monday and leave me feeling positive, calm and refreshed for tuesday but the lessons are often very timely for me...
so monday night was about anger and negative minds and let me tell you, after the email i got monday morning, i certainly had not only a negative mind, but that awful sinking feeling...
sooo i responded! i didn't do the whole oh it's all my fault yada yada yada, which i guess is what this friend might have expected...nope, i simply apologised that she felt i wasn't supportive, told her my side of the story and moved on...
and i actually moved on...wasn't until i had therapy yesterday that i thought about it again and even then when i thought about the email i had written and what i had said, i was happy - no second guessing myself, no doubting myself...just happy!
sooooo it's a new thing! this new found voice and not feeling the need to be responsible for everybody else! and it was the theme of the day - i had a lovely morning with my friend Rach and as i was telling her a story and my response to this idiot who called me - she said simply 'why didn't you just say no?'...meaning, why did i feel the need to go into a reason/excuse - and you know what? she is absolutely right...
so yesterday was obviously a day for me learning that just because i don't take responsibility for everything and everyone, doesn't mean that my world will fall around my head - on the contrary! and i feel great in all of this - not quietened or small or not important or not good enough...
during the therapy session i realised that i hadn't had any of my 'fear' dreams in a few weeks (possibly the same few weeks that i have not had contact with Chris...but of course there is a small p.s. there too), and when i thought about these friends and their email and probably their expectations of me based on the fact that they know the 'old sarah'...in all of this, they may well not want to continue our friendship, and whilst that may be sad if it turns out that way, honestly, if they aren't ready to see it from my perspective, to step into my shoes, nor to support the changes i am making in my life, well maybe just maybe they weren't destined to be lifelong friends....
sooo as my 43rd year (aarrgghh!) unfolds, i feel, as i often do in a '7' year (i.e. a birthday divisible by 7) that this is a year of new beginnings, of positive change and of growth...
soooo like all clouds, whatever they are, they will pass....
so monday night was about anger and negative minds and let me tell you, after the email i got monday morning, i certainly had not only a negative mind, but that awful sinking feeling...
sooo i responded! i didn't do the whole oh it's all my fault yada yada yada, which i guess is what this friend might have expected...nope, i simply apologised that she felt i wasn't supportive, told her my side of the story and moved on...
and i actually moved on...wasn't until i had therapy yesterday that i thought about it again and even then when i thought about the email i had written and what i had said, i was happy - no second guessing myself, no doubting myself...just happy!
sooooo it's a new thing! this new found voice and not feeling the need to be responsible for everybody else! and it was the theme of the day - i had a lovely morning with my friend Rach and as i was telling her a story and my response to this idiot who called me - she said simply 'why didn't you just say no?'...meaning, why did i feel the need to go into a reason/excuse - and you know what? she is absolutely right...
so yesterday was obviously a day for me learning that just because i don't take responsibility for everything and everyone, doesn't mean that my world will fall around my head - on the contrary! and i feel great in all of this - not quietened or small or not important or not good enough...
during the therapy session i realised that i hadn't had any of my 'fear' dreams in a few weeks (possibly the same few weeks that i have not had contact with Chris...but of course there is a small p.s. there too), and when i thought about these friends and their email and probably their expectations of me based on the fact that they know the 'old sarah'...in all of this, they may well not want to continue our friendship, and whilst that may be sad if it turns out that way, honestly, if they aren't ready to see it from my perspective, to step into my shoes, nor to support the changes i am making in my life, well maybe just maybe they weren't destined to be lifelong friends....
sooo as my 43rd year (aarrgghh!) unfolds, i feel, as i often do in a '7' year (i.e. a birthday divisible by 7) that this is a year of new beginnings, of positive change and of growth...
soooo like all clouds, whatever they are, they will pass....
Monday, February 21, 2011
that sinking feeling...
is the one i really need to tap into, and work on with my therapist...
so this morning i get an email from a friend telling me she is disapointed in me! don't you just love it when your week starts with such an email? well, i don't!
and the sinking feeling came...it's still here....:-(
i don't like it, but i'm sure it's telling me something, so i'm gonna do my best to listen and learn!
hope your monday started better than mine!
so this morning i get an email from a friend telling me she is disapointed in me! don't you just love it when your week starts with such an email? well, i don't!
and the sinking feeling came...it's still here....:-(
i don't like it, but i'm sure it's telling me something, so i'm gonna do my best to listen and learn!
hope your monday started better than mine!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
thank you carrie bradshaw...
and i'm certain that everyone (well, pretty much everyone) knows who she is, but i think i have her to thank - i love her 'voice' and i'm not talking about her actual voice, but more the way she writes and expresses her thoughts...some days i wish i had retrained as a writer and not a therapist, but i guess i'm only 42, so if i REALLY want to write professionally, i could retrain again! is there a limit on the number of career changes you can have in your life?
so today feels like a bit of a weekend rewind (to borrow the expression of another friend who blogs...this one i actually know, and she is a real person, not a character!!!)...i had an appointment this afternoon that got cancelled so after a morning where it felt like everything was going to go pearshaped (my package shipping company in the US charged me way more than i thought possible for a shipment, my mouse died...it's ok now, my sync on my ipod nano didn't work so on my walk there was no Linkin Park.....and then my appointment got cancelled) i took a long walk, even threw in something of a run (very short, not sure my knee will thank me tomorrow) and then came home and basically watched a whole stack of shows i love...
seinfeld (the contest was on - hilarious even years on), blue murder (although i didn't re-watch episodes i'd seen, where would be the suspense in that) and of course a staple, SATC...
i realise that it has been nearly 2 weeks since i had any contact with Chris and you know what? i am completely ok with that...sure, occasionally the 13 year old girl who always thought we'd be together, approaches home wondering if he'll be there waiting for me on bended knee ("as if" my sensible 42 year old is saying with a roll of the eyes)...but hey, just because in reality i'm ok with things, doesn't mean the fantasy has completely died...quietened yes, lost it's grip on me yes, disappeared altogether....not quite!
but i did something today that i've been considering for AGES - well by ages i mean, a few months...seems like much longer but i think when we find ourselves in a place in our lives where we aren't that happy, the time can seem to drag on...and speaking of time (seems to be a theme of late), it's not yet 3 months since Chris re-appeared in my life...
the good thing is that when he did and all those emotions, both old and new, were evoked afresh, i wondered if i would ever be able to move on....and yet, here i am! i am honestly feeling happy, content with my lot in life, starting to 'do' more than 'think' less (not that i am against thinking, on the contrary)...but i am finding that by throwing myself into my life rather than trying to live it all in my head first, i am actually having fun!
and something else i did this week is decide to get my eyes lasered - it's gonna take a coupla months to go thru the rigmarole, but i'm doing it! i'm sick of wearing glasses - over having to take prescription sunnies, swapping over from one pair to the next, wearing glasses when i am trying to look glam, or even just when i'm trying to be that girl next door (read, with a ponytail and somehow i just think the glasses ruin the simplicity of the ponytail)....
i seem to have reclaimed a whole lot of the things i want to do for myself and you know what? it feels good! it feels as though i have found a bit of myself again, some of the old and some new too...i went out with a mate lastnight (a good mate, who i adore) and when i went to the bar, i found myself uncharacteristically talking to the guy next to me - admittedly he was quite cute and had an amazing tattoo...long story, you know i LOVE the tattoo? you do right?
and then of course as i am feeling more upbeat about life etc, imagine my surprise when i basically get 7 work leads in the space of just 2 days! yep, one of them could be an ongoing and quite amazing piece of work, but given the history with the guy who called i am just not going to get my hopes up! he's quite into the hype etc, so i'm just gonna do my best to show appropriate interest but without assuming it's a done deal! (good luck with that self...)...and 6 potential coaching clients - absolutely wrapt, seriously, couldn't ask for a better end to an already great week :-)
sadly tonight i am battling a headache, actually quite a bad one and i haven't had a bad one like this in ages....so i'm going to take Tully and head to bed (Tully being my latest read!) and hope that i wake up headache free tomorrow...
so thank you universe and thank you carrie bradshaw xx
so today feels like a bit of a weekend rewind (to borrow the expression of another friend who blogs...this one i actually know, and she is a real person, not a character!!!)...i had an appointment this afternoon that got cancelled so after a morning where it felt like everything was going to go pearshaped (my package shipping company in the US charged me way more than i thought possible for a shipment, my mouse died...it's ok now, my sync on my ipod nano didn't work so on my walk there was no Linkin Park.....and then my appointment got cancelled) i took a long walk, even threw in something of a run (very short, not sure my knee will thank me tomorrow) and then came home and basically watched a whole stack of shows i love...
seinfeld (the contest was on - hilarious even years on), blue murder (although i didn't re-watch episodes i'd seen, where would be the suspense in that) and of course a staple, SATC...
i realise that it has been nearly 2 weeks since i had any contact with Chris and you know what? i am completely ok with that...sure, occasionally the 13 year old girl who always thought we'd be together, approaches home wondering if he'll be there waiting for me on bended knee ("as if" my sensible 42 year old is saying with a roll of the eyes)...but hey, just because in reality i'm ok with things, doesn't mean the fantasy has completely died...quietened yes, lost it's grip on me yes, disappeared altogether....not quite!
but i did something today that i've been considering for AGES - well by ages i mean, a few months...seems like much longer but i think when we find ourselves in a place in our lives where we aren't that happy, the time can seem to drag on...and speaking of time (seems to be a theme of late), it's not yet 3 months since Chris re-appeared in my life...
the good thing is that when he did and all those emotions, both old and new, were evoked afresh, i wondered if i would ever be able to move on....and yet, here i am! i am honestly feeling happy, content with my lot in life, starting to 'do' more than 'think' less (not that i am against thinking, on the contrary)...but i am finding that by throwing myself into my life rather than trying to live it all in my head first, i am actually having fun!
and something else i did this week is decide to get my eyes lasered - it's gonna take a coupla months to go thru the rigmarole, but i'm doing it! i'm sick of wearing glasses - over having to take prescription sunnies, swapping over from one pair to the next, wearing glasses when i am trying to look glam, or even just when i'm trying to be that girl next door (read, with a ponytail and somehow i just think the glasses ruin the simplicity of the ponytail)....
i seem to have reclaimed a whole lot of the things i want to do for myself and you know what? it feels good! it feels as though i have found a bit of myself again, some of the old and some new too...i went out with a mate lastnight (a good mate, who i adore) and when i went to the bar, i found myself uncharacteristically talking to the guy next to me - admittedly he was quite cute and had an amazing tattoo...long story, you know i LOVE the tattoo? you do right?
and then of course as i am feeling more upbeat about life etc, imagine my surprise when i basically get 7 work leads in the space of just 2 days! yep, one of them could be an ongoing and quite amazing piece of work, but given the history with the guy who called i am just not going to get my hopes up! he's quite into the hype etc, so i'm just gonna do my best to show appropriate interest but without assuming it's a done deal! (good luck with that self...)...and 6 potential coaching clients - absolutely wrapt, seriously, couldn't ask for a better end to an already great week :-)
sadly tonight i am battling a headache, actually quite a bad one and i haven't had a bad one like this in ages....so i'm going to take Tully and head to bed (Tully being my latest read!) and hope that i wake up headache free tomorrow...
so thank you universe and thank you carrie bradshaw xx
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
i already knew this but i have a new motto....THAW
yep, Time Heals All Wounds...
so so true! i have often reflected on this when i find myself struggling to come to terms with something, usually a loss...and in recent months as i struggled to come to terms with Chris re-appearing in my life (although, now i think that i no longer represent a possible sexual conquest for him he is going to disappear, and that just may be a bloody good thing!) and what that meant about me etc, it would have been good to remind myself of this old, but very very true, adage...
so it is now nearly 3 months since he showed up and i have pretty much worked through all the emotions that his arrival prompted...i'm no longer angry with him or with myself, i'm no longer consumed by a childhood dream that him and i are 'meant to be together', i no longer expect anything from him, i don't even know if he makes contact, whether or not i want contact with him...
i'm no longer sad (for the most part) about the impact his actions have had on me, and i no longer have him on a pedestal as the sort of man i want to be with...guess that's one good thing about having spent a bit of time with him! see in reality he doesn't even come close to the version i had constructed in my head...
soooo it's true! time is the great healer, and sure alcohol, chocolate, tim tams, mindless things that feed the senses all help with the healing process, but ultimately time is the only way...
soooo as i reflect on arguably the most difficult few months of my life, i am starting to realise that i will be ok and that his turning up, whilst not welcomed necessarily, has served it's purpose...
and you know what? it hasn't taken me anywhere near as long as i thought it would to put my life back together...i am starting to feel happier and content with my lot again...loving that!
nite x
so so true! i have often reflected on this when i find myself struggling to come to terms with something, usually a loss...and in recent months as i struggled to come to terms with Chris re-appearing in my life (although, now i think that i no longer represent a possible sexual conquest for him he is going to disappear, and that just may be a bloody good thing!) and what that meant about me etc, it would have been good to remind myself of this old, but very very true, adage...
so it is now nearly 3 months since he showed up and i have pretty much worked through all the emotions that his arrival prompted...i'm no longer angry with him or with myself, i'm no longer consumed by a childhood dream that him and i are 'meant to be together', i no longer expect anything from him, i don't even know if he makes contact, whether or not i want contact with him...
i'm no longer sad (for the most part) about the impact his actions have had on me, and i no longer have him on a pedestal as the sort of man i want to be with...guess that's one good thing about having spent a bit of time with him! see in reality he doesn't even come close to the version i had constructed in my head...
soooo it's true! time is the great healer, and sure alcohol, chocolate, tim tams, mindless things that feed the senses all help with the healing process, but ultimately time is the only way...
soooo as i reflect on arguably the most difficult few months of my life, i am starting to realise that i will be ok and that his turning up, whilst not welcomed necessarily, has served it's purpose...
and you know what? it hasn't taken me anywhere near as long as i thought it would to put my life back together...i am starting to feel happier and content with my lot again...loving that!
nite x
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
knackered...
yep, that's about all the energy i can muster up tonight...i am knackered!
i felt a bit this way yesterday and pushed myself to go for my walk and do my situps...today i had tennis coaching, but i am really wondering if i am coming down with something :-(
i hope not, but an early night will surely help!
nite x
i felt a bit this way yesterday and pushed myself to go for my walk and do my situps...today i had tennis coaching, but i am really wondering if i am coming down with something :-(
i hope not, but an early night will surely help!
nite x
Monday, February 14, 2011
happy 600th post!
wow! just a coupla weeks over the 3 year mark and i have hit 600 posts...yay me!
of course it's not a milestone in that it has any real significance, but i tend not to let anniversaries go unnoticed and in this way, this one is no different!
when i ventured into the world of blogging i had no idea if it would stick, nor did i have any understanding of how much it would be like keeping a journal (something i kept for much of my childhood but as life got busier i never found the time to keep it up), even less did i realise how cathartic it would be for me...and in times of great difficulty and sadness it has been like a steady and trusted friend (of course i have a handful of them in my actual non blog life), listening to me when i needed to get something off my chest, helping me to understand and make sense of the events in my life...but mostly it's a way for me to document the goings on in my life and when i look back over the posts (i do this a coupla times a year) i realise just how much i have learned about myself and how much i have grown...
sooo my dear blog, my friend, i hope that you will be around for a long time to come!
of course it's not a milestone in that it has any real significance, but i tend not to let anniversaries go unnoticed and in this way, this one is no different!
when i ventured into the world of blogging i had no idea if it would stick, nor did i have any understanding of how much it would be like keeping a journal (something i kept for much of my childhood but as life got busier i never found the time to keep it up), even less did i realise how cathartic it would be for me...and in times of great difficulty and sadness it has been like a steady and trusted friend (of course i have a handful of them in my actual non blog life), listening to me when i needed to get something off my chest, helping me to understand and make sense of the events in my life...but mostly it's a way for me to document the goings on in my life and when i look back over the posts (i do this a coupla times a year) i realise just how much i have learned about myself and how much i have grown...
sooo my dear blog, my friend, i hope that you will be around for a long time to come!
last night i had the strangest dream...
and this is not me singing!
seriously, it was the weirdest dream i have had in a while, and yet, it had a dream involving me driving over a bridge, feeling unsafe and as if i would fall off...yep, must be afraid of something coz this dream (well, not this particular one, but a version of it) is my typical fear dream...
so since i mention the dream i will share it mainly so when i am reading this in years to come i remember it!...i'm driving in Chicago and i'm heading to my cousins...as i'm looking for his street to turn left into i can see it but there isn't a way to turn into it (although in reality there is as i've been there)...so i keep going, and on the way pass my cousins wife in her car (she doesn't see me) hoping that when i get to theirs she will be there so i can drop in...turns out the next left i take is a road which once i am on it, there is no turning back and i'm driving over a bridge with no railings and the whole structure doesn't feel safe, i feel as though i'm going to drive right off the edge...it looks like Lake Michigan even though there isn't a bridge over Lake Michigan and when i get to the bottom (this is new, typically in these dreams, i wake up as i'm about to fall off...guess this in itself is noteworthy...) i find myself in an airport like security environment where the guy obviously doesn't trust me...i am asked to get out of the car and lie face down on the ground (even in the dream i am rolling my eyes in my head at this)...and even though i feel violated in some way i find myself not reacting with anger and disbelief, but simply thinking to myself 'he's just doing his job'...(this is new!)...eventually i pass whatever test he has to conduct, and then i go to leave (not sure where i am going but realise i am lost) and not knowing which street to take, i go back inside and find a girl there...i ask her the way, she gives me directions and then the next thing is me having tea with her, her daughter Lily, who's about 5 and in a white tutu, and a girl kisses her and says goodbye and it's just us...chatting comfortably and drinking tea...then i wake up!
and i got to really do some serious dream analysis during my therapy session on saturday! it's great to have a therapist who gets me, and who i trust to share this stuff with - and honestly, whilst i will occasionally share the content of my dreams with people when i think it's funny, weird, scary etc, i very very rarely share my analysis of the dreams, which is really what's going on for me....
sooo after a lengthy discussion about the dream and fear and Chris and me feeling the need to make a decision about what role i want him to play in my life, if any, i realised that in fact, perhaps the fear of making a decision that will be the wrong one...or, and this is probably the real reason....my fear of being vulnerable, of not knowing what it is to be vulnerable and realising that probably the first time i was really vulnerable in my life, it went horribly wrong...even as my therapist talks about what it means for me to be vulnerable i can see only that classroom and what happened between Chris and I...and then i realise, how big this is for me...for nearly 30 years i have struggled to be vulnerable and trust that i won't get hurt...
and yet, as i pen this post and as i was talking to Sal on Saturday, i realise just how simple it all is...and i find myself excited at the prospect of having learned something about myself that really has, at times, felt like it's holding me back...
and as i think about being vulnerable and trusting people, i think about just how many stories over the years, i have built up to help keep me safe when dealing with others...
there are so many, i wouldn't even know where to start...and that just makes me sad...so here begins a new journey for me...
no more moving towards others, no more doing what i think others expect of me, no more taking responsibility for people in my life...yep, these are all foreign concepts to me...mostly the not moving towards is the most difficult one and the one where when i try staying with my own thoughts, feelings etc, i feel uncomfortable and start questioning myself...ultimately (usually, well the old me anyway) giving in to my discomfort and moving away from 'me' and towards the other - text messages, emails, phone calls etc...all in an effort to not have to sit with what is going on right here...
if i think back on almost all of my relationships...this pattern emerges, and it's funny, coz i occasionally joke with my close friends and say i 'don't do guilt' (it's one of my Dad's phrases...)....the sad thing is I actually do! not that i would admit it to anyone (well, except here!)...
and worse than the guilt, is the feelings of worthlessness that i often find myself having, and in this way it explains why, when left to my own devices, thoughts, feeling...i simply felt that i wasn't enough...wasn't good enough and so looked for that validation, that approval outside of myself...
when really, that approval can only come from within...guess old habits die hard and as i am now 42 (eek!) it's gonna take some time to unpack all of this stuff and sift through it all, trying to make sense of it...
but for me to really move forward past this stuff (and i don't mean forgetting or denying - coz it's part of who i have become) i have to start doing things differently, and therein lies the difficulty...what comes with this new way of being is some palpable fear of what it will lead to, what it will mean about me, and initially just trying to sit with the discomfort, rather than running away from it...
so here i sit, trying to stay with me, get to know me and not judge me...
methinks it's gonna be a tough ride, but well worth it - bit like the journey over the bridge, where i made it to the other side...xx
seriously, it was the weirdest dream i have had in a while, and yet, it had a dream involving me driving over a bridge, feeling unsafe and as if i would fall off...yep, must be afraid of something coz this dream (well, not this particular one, but a version of it) is my typical fear dream...
so since i mention the dream i will share it mainly so when i am reading this in years to come i remember it!...i'm driving in Chicago and i'm heading to my cousins...as i'm looking for his street to turn left into i can see it but there isn't a way to turn into it (although in reality there is as i've been there)...so i keep going, and on the way pass my cousins wife in her car (she doesn't see me) hoping that when i get to theirs she will be there so i can drop in...turns out the next left i take is a road which once i am on it, there is no turning back and i'm driving over a bridge with no railings and the whole structure doesn't feel safe, i feel as though i'm going to drive right off the edge...it looks like Lake Michigan even though there isn't a bridge over Lake Michigan and when i get to the bottom (this is new, typically in these dreams, i wake up as i'm about to fall off...guess this in itself is noteworthy...) i find myself in an airport like security environment where the guy obviously doesn't trust me...i am asked to get out of the car and lie face down on the ground (even in the dream i am rolling my eyes in my head at this)...and even though i feel violated in some way i find myself not reacting with anger and disbelief, but simply thinking to myself 'he's just doing his job'...(this is new!)...eventually i pass whatever test he has to conduct, and then i go to leave (not sure where i am going but realise i am lost) and not knowing which street to take, i go back inside and find a girl there...i ask her the way, she gives me directions and then the next thing is me having tea with her, her daughter Lily, who's about 5 and in a white tutu, and a girl kisses her and says goodbye and it's just us...chatting comfortably and drinking tea...then i wake up!
and i got to really do some serious dream analysis during my therapy session on saturday! it's great to have a therapist who gets me, and who i trust to share this stuff with - and honestly, whilst i will occasionally share the content of my dreams with people when i think it's funny, weird, scary etc, i very very rarely share my analysis of the dreams, which is really what's going on for me....
sooo after a lengthy discussion about the dream and fear and Chris and me feeling the need to make a decision about what role i want him to play in my life, if any, i realised that in fact, perhaps the fear of making a decision that will be the wrong one...or, and this is probably the real reason....my fear of being vulnerable, of not knowing what it is to be vulnerable and realising that probably the first time i was really vulnerable in my life, it went horribly wrong...even as my therapist talks about what it means for me to be vulnerable i can see only that classroom and what happened between Chris and I...and then i realise, how big this is for me...for nearly 30 years i have struggled to be vulnerable and trust that i won't get hurt...
and yet, as i pen this post and as i was talking to Sal on Saturday, i realise just how simple it all is...and i find myself excited at the prospect of having learned something about myself that really has, at times, felt like it's holding me back...
and as i think about being vulnerable and trusting people, i think about just how many stories over the years, i have built up to help keep me safe when dealing with others...
there are so many, i wouldn't even know where to start...and that just makes me sad...so here begins a new journey for me...
no more moving towards others, no more doing what i think others expect of me, no more taking responsibility for people in my life...yep, these are all foreign concepts to me...mostly the not moving towards is the most difficult one and the one where when i try staying with my own thoughts, feelings etc, i feel uncomfortable and start questioning myself...ultimately (usually, well the old me anyway) giving in to my discomfort and moving away from 'me' and towards the other - text messages, emails, phone calls etc...all in an effort to not have to sit with what is going on right here...
if i think back on almost all of my relationships...this pattern emerges, and it's funny, coz i occasionally joke with my close friends and say i 'don't do guilt' (it's one of my Dad's phrases...)....the sad thing is I actually do! not that i would admit it to anyone (well, except here!)...
and worse than the guilt, is the feelings of worthlessness that i often find myself having, and in this way it explains why, when left to my own devices, thoughts, feeling...i simply felt that i wasn't enough...wasn't good enough and so looked for that validation, that approval outside of myself...
when really, that approval can only come from within...guess old habits die hard and as i am now 42 (eek!) it's gonna take some time to unpack all of this stuff and sift through it all, trying to make sense of it...
but for me to really move forward past this stuff (and i don't mean forgetting or denying - coz it's part of who i have become) i have to start doing things differently, and therein lies the difficulty...what comes with this new way of being is some palpable fear of what it will lead to, what it will mean about me, and initially just trying to sit with the discomfort, rather than running away from it...
so here i sit, trying to stay with me, get to know me and not judge me...
methinks it's gonna be a tough ride, but well worth it - bit like the journey over the bridge, where i made it to the other side...xx
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
r.i.p shelly
woke up this morning to find a text from Ben telling me that his beloved dog Shelly (i used to call her Shell Belle) had died lastnight :-(
i'm so sad for him...he loved her so, and his dad too...and me too coz i loved her too...
it didn't really hit me until i went for my walk (that's coz i had a mad busy day with another tomorrow, starting at 8am...yuk!) just how sad i was and i suddenly got to thinking that the Chris thing, whilst good on one hand (you know, the hand that wants desperately to move past all the pain of what he did, both now, and in re-appearing) has actually been little more than a distraction from the reality that the end of last year was...
so i remembered today, for the first time in ages, the falling in love stage with Ben....and i'm not remembering it with such rose coloured glasses that i think it would be a good idea to pursue all over again, but i was remembering it...and it made me realise how sad it is that two people can feel so strongly for each other at one point, and then, just as quickly as it starts (well not in our case) it can all be over...
soo i'm a bit sad - sad for Ben and his family tonight as they mourn a beloved member of their family in Shell, and sad too that even though him and i will (i guess) always be connected in some way, really, we aren't...
:-(
i'm so sad for him...he loved her so, and his dad too...and me too coz i loved her too...
it didn't really hit me until i went for my walk (that's coz i had a mad busy day with another tomorrow, starting at 8am...yuk!) just how sad i was and i suddenly got to thinking that the Chris thing, whilst good on one hand (you know, the hand that wants desperately to move past all the pain of what he did, both now, and in re-appearing) has actually been little more than a distraction from the reality that the end of last year was...
so i remembered today, for the first time in ages, the falling in love stage with Ben....and i'm not remembering it with such rose coloured glasses that i think it would be a good idea to pursue all over again, but i was remembering it...and it made me realise how sad it is that two people can feel so strongly for each other at one point, and then, just as quickly as it starts (well not in our case) it can all be over...
soo i'm a bit sad - sad for Ben and his family tonight as they mourn a beloved member of their family in Shell, and sad too that even though him and i will (i guess) always be connected in some way, really, we aren't...
:-(
Monday, February 7, 2011
decisions, decisions...
it seems that even in my dreams, i am forced with making decisions! no surprise really since our dreams are so reflective of what's going on in our waking hours!
funny, coz it's taken me having this one dream (or at least a similar variation on it) a number of times, before the penny dropped! and not because i'm slow, but because i have been faced with a lot of challenges in recent months and perhaps my 'dream analysis on the run' isn't quite so honed as it used to be!!!
soooo i occasionally (and by occasionally i mean maybe once a week or so) i have this dream where i am driving (usually there is someone with me, but sometimes not) and i find myself having to make a very quick decision about where to go, but the road is unfamiliar and looks a bit frightening to me...one time i had this after a dream where i was having tea with Chris's wife and the other night i had it and my Mum was in the car with me, and a road I normally know well, didn't look familiar and i felt a bit pressured into making a decision about which way to go, and of course, even though I thought i knew the right way to go, i didn't feel confident and it didn't feel right...
so, what does all this mean? well, on the whole i think it could be 2 things: it could be work related, as i am having some doubts about which decision to take this business in, but actually i think it's about Chris...see he wants to be friends, a part of me wants to be friends, but I actually don't think we can be (or I don't think I can be)....
his version of friends is not the same as mine, he is unlikely to feel comfortable telling his wife about me (even if we are just friends), no doubt neither of us will ever be able to forget our history...forgive maybe, but not forget...and i wonder if the way he lives his life (seemingly he is only interested if there's something in it for him, and right now, i can't see that us being friends will hold his interest for too long, especially since i am not about to become one of those friends with benefits...despite a small part of me thinking it could be fun...) is not actually the same as the way i live mine, and sure, a lot of my friends fall into that category, but a lot of my friends did not hurt and betray me at 13, rendering it difficult for me to trust!
soooo the dreams are really a reflection, i think, of the fear of taking one way or the other with Chris, and worrying about what will happen if i take one way (and not the other)..
as the days go by (in my waking life that is), i am starting to feel less and less pulled to him....the grip that the fantasy my 13 year old girl created is having less of an impact and my 42 year old self knows that walking away is probably the best thing to do...
and yet...
of course the pressure i put on myself to make a decision could be where the stress (and resulting dreams) is coming from??
funny, coz it's taken me having this one dream (or at least a similar variation on it) a number of times, before the penny dropped! and not because i'm slow, but because i have been faced with a lot of challenges in recent months and perhaps my 'dream analysis on the run' isn't quite so honed as it used to be!!!
soooo i occasionally (and by occasionally i mean maybe once a week or so) i have this dream where i am driving (usually there is someone with me, but sometimes not) and i find myself having to make a very quick decision about where to go, but the road is unfamiliar and looks a bit frightening to me...one time i had this after a dream where i was having tea with Chris's wife and the other night i had it and my Mum was in the car with me, and a road I normally know well, didn't look familiar and i felt a bit pressured into making a decision about which way to go, and of course, even though I thought i knew the right way to go, i didn't feel confident and it didn't feel right...
so, what does all this mean? well, on the whole i think it could be 2 things: it could be work related, as i am having some doubts about which decision to take this business in, but actually i think it's about Chris...see he wants to be friends, a part of me wants to be friends, but I actually don't think we can be (or I don't think I can be)....
his version of friends is not the same as mine, he is unlikely to feel comfortable telling his wife about me (even if we are just friends), no doubt neither of us will ever be able to forget our history...forgive maybe, but not forget...and i wonder if the way he lives his life (seemingly he is only interested if there's something in it for him, and right now, i can't see that us being friends will hold his interest for too long, especially since i am not about to become one of those friends with benefits...despite a small part of me thinking it could be fun...) is not actually the same as the way i live mine, and sure, a lot of my friends fall into that category, but a lot of my friends did not hurt and betray me at 13, rendering it difficult for me to trust!
soooo the dreams are really a reflection, i think, of the fear of taking one way or the other with Chris, and worrying about what will happen if i take one way (and not the other)..
as the days go by (in my waking life that is), i am starting to feel less and less pulled to him....the grip that the fantasy my 13 year old girl created is having less of an impact and my 42 year old self knows that walking away is probably the best thing to do...
and yet...
of course the pressure i put on myself to make a decision could be where the stress (and resulting dreams) is coming from??
Saturday, February 5, 2011
maybe time for a makeover?
and i'm not talking about myself, although i think the healthy regime is certainly doing it's job in that regard...since end of November i've lost 4.5kgs (a bit more to go...) and i'm feeling much better! one girlfriend who i hadn't seen since then suggested i looked like a pretzel....that made me laugh! and my tennis coach asked me (after his month off) had i been working out? and i generally do feel better...clothes i couldn't fit into only a month ago now fit, and if i lose the rest of the weight, then pretty much an entire wardrobe (that has been unwearable) will become available to me! yay me...
but i wasn't really talking about myself! i was actually talking about my kitchen cupboards (which were supposed to be getting a makeover last year, but the guy had numerous issues and never called back)...so turns out the hubby of a good friend of mine is going to do it for me, and since said tradesmen left me a sample door, he knows exactly what he's got to do! and he reckons he can do it for just a little over 50% of the quoted cost! yippee...
which of course frees up some funds for a coupla other things...like changing the lounge curtain to panel blinds, and getting new blinds in the dining room and kitchen...of course i can't work out if i want the lounge/dining to have the same fabric or not? and i haven't landed on what to do with the kitchen...
oh and new lighting in the kitchen - today there is a revolting hexagonal shaped fluorescent light with a disgusting wooden/gold thing around it - all bad, i hate it...so i'm thinking instead of a nice simple strip of down lights in stainless steel to match the appliances...of course the handles i love for the cupboard doors are a copper/bronze so not sure how that will all work, but we'll see...
eventually i will have my en suite done too! leave tiles in the shower area but then i think i'll opt for just paint in the rest of the room - not sure i like floor to ceiling tiles in a room that has fabulous ventilation...and then the study will also get it's turn...new coat of paint...
my room (bedroom that is) has pretty much had it's makeover - chandelier in March last year, fresh coat of paint and nicer colour in August, and new bedside lamps are on order (thanks to my Mum and Dad)...
if i get super organised then the balcony will get a coat of paint, but that's not looking likely and it's not a priority!
sooo, let the makeover begin!
but i wasn't really talking about myself! i was actually talking about my kitchen cupboards (which were supposed to be getting a makeover last year, but the guy had numerous issues and never called back)...so turns out the hubby of a good friend of mine is going to do it for me, and since said tradesmen left me a sample door, he knows exactly what he's got to do! and he reckons he can do it for just a little over 50% of the quoted cost! yippee...
which of course frees up some funds for a coupla other things...like changing the lounge curtain to panel blinds, and getting new blinds in the dining room and kitchen...of course i can't work out if i want the lounge/dining to have the same fabric or not? and i haven't landed on what to do with the kitchen...
oh and new lighting in the kitchen - today there is a revolting hexagonal shaped fluorescent light with a disgusting wooden/gold thing around it - all bad, i hate it...so i'm thinking instead of a nice simple strip of down lights in stainless steel to match the appliances...of course the handles i love for the cupboard doors are a copper/bronze so not sure how that will all work, but we'll see...
eventually i will have my en suite done too! leave tiles in the shower area but then i think i'll opt for just paint in the rest of the room - not sure i like floor to ceiling tiles in a room that has fabulous ventilation...and then the study will also get it's turn...new coat of paint...
my room (bedroom that is) has pretty much had it's makeover - chandelier in March last year, fresh coat of paint and nicer colour in August, and new bedside lamps are on order (thanks to my Mum and Dad)...
if i get super organised then the balcony will get a coat of paint, but that's not looking likely and it's not a priority!
sooo, let the makeover begin!
Friday, February 4, 2011
take 2, or is it take 3?
i've lost count actually, but i'm pretty sure it's take 2...
yep, after asking him yesterday morning if he actually thought we could be friends, and he says sure, i think it just leaves me feeling that he doesn't get it...
that and his late night drunken texts and honestly, he is not behaving in the way that my friends behave towards me...
he cheats on his wife, he's been flirtatious and suggestive with me, and ultimately i think that for him, even though there may well be a tiny part of him that wanted to see me to ask for forgiveness, mainly he just wants to mess with my head...
sooo the difficult step of eliminating him from my life is probably about to begin and on some level (the level of the 13 year old girl who created a fantasy about this man to make the other stuff ok) i am sad about that and feel as though there is a 'loss' associated with doing this...
had a good chat to my supervisor about it yesterday and i was surprised to hear her say, well of course there is loss, and the therapist in me knows this, but all of this has happened to me (not therapist me, so i don't always look at it as i would a client's concerns)...doh!
soooo now i am left with wondering if my sense of loss is about saying goodbye to him, or is it really the letting go of a fantasy that i have believed and hoped for, for 30 odd years?
so take 2 is the deleting his number from my phone....
wonder how that will pan out?
yep, after asking him yesterday morning if he actually thought we could be friends, and he says sure, i think it just leaves me feeling that he doesn't get it...
that and his late night drunken texts and honestly, he is not behaving in the way that my friends behave towards me...
he cheats on his wife, he's been flirtatious and suggestive with me, and ultimately i think that for him, even though there may well be a tiny part of him that wanted to see me to ask for forgiveness, mainly he just wants to mess with my head...
sooo the difficult step of eliminating him from my life is probably about to begin and on some level (the level of the 13 year old girl who created a fantasy about this man to make the other stuff ok) i am sad about that and feel as though there is a 'loss' associated with doing this...
had a good chat to my supervisor about it yesterday and i was surprised to hear her say, well of course there is loss, and the therapist in me knows this, but all of this has happened to me (not therapist me, so i don't always look at it as i would a client's concerns)...doh!
soooo now i am left with wondering if my sense of loss is about saying goodbye to him, or is it really the letting go of a fantasy that i have believed and hoped for, for 30 odd years?
so take 2 is the deleting his number from my phone....
wonder how that will pan out?
meh...
yep, that's how i feel today...
just had acunpuncture and my acupuncturist (who i really like) said that i have no energy reserves left so if i feel emotional that's why...this is not good news...having worked so hard with him to get back to a reasonable level, the chest infection over new year really has set me back...so i think i might have to slow down a wee bit just until it builds up again...
of course the heat won't be helping either...although i am VERY grateful that i have aircon and even more grateful that i don't live in a suburb of Sydney where there are power blackouts, and even more grateful i am not one of the many families who have been impacted by the awful weather in Queensland, soooo despite the energy issue, and me feeling a bit 'meh' today, i'm really doing ok...
sooo an afternoon on the couch is about to commence, i've decided against any more work for the day so feet up!
and maybe just maybe, a relaxing afternoon, will bring on a good nights sleep and a saturday that is meh free xx
just had acunpuncture and my acupuncturist (who i really like) said that i have no energy reserves left so if i feel emotional that's why...this is not good news...having worked so hard with him to get back to a reasonable level, the chest infection over new year really has set me back...so i think i might have to slow down a wee bit just until it builds up again...
of course the heat won't be helping either...although i am VERY grateful that i have aircon and even more grateful that i don't live in a suburb of Sydney where there are power blackouts, and even more grateful i am not one of the many families who have been impacted by the awful weather in Queensland, soooo despite the energy issue, and me feeling a bit 'meh' today, i'm really doing ok...
sooo an afternoon on the couch is about to commence, i've decided against any more work for the day so feet up!
and maybe just maybe, a relaxing afternoon, will bring on a good nights sleep and a saturday that is meh free xx
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
ps 2.41am!
yep, you read it correctly, at 2.41am today, Chris sent me a text....have i not asked him not to drunken text me (of course i don't know for sure that he was drunk, but not many people, who live on this side of the planet would be up at 2.41am on a school night)....
and it's funny because when i looked at my phone this morning i wasn't surprised to see a text from him...
part of me (perhaps the ever increasing part of me that is less driven by the fantasy that is fast, although sometimes it doesn't feel as fast as i would like, diminishing, you know, the one where i welcome contact with him, whether it's appropriate or not) felt a 'rush' (like one does with a drug or other addictive substance) when i saw his name and the other part of me (the part that seems to be growing now, the wisdom of a smart 42 year old woman who knows what she wants, even though she will only admit it to a select few) thought, oh well, maybe he was up, wondered how i was, and texted then...
still, do we think it's appropriate (given everything that has transpired between us, both then and more recently) for him to send me text messages in the middle of the night?
i think maybe NO!
and it's funny because when i looked at my phone this morning i wasn't surprised to see a text from him...
part of me (perhaps the ever increasing part of me that is less driven by the fantasy that is fast, although sometimes it doesn't feel as fast as i would like, diminishing, you know, the one where i welcome contact with him, whether it's appropriate or not) felt a 'rush' (like one does with a drug or other addictive substance) when i saw his name and the other part of me (the part that seems to be growing now, the wisdom of a smart 42 year old woman who knows what she wants, even though she will only admit it to a select few) thought, oh well, maybe he was up, wondered how i was, and texted then...
still, do we think it's appropriate (given everything that has transpired between us, both then and more recently) for him to send me text messages in the middle of the night?
i think maybe NO!
9 to go...
yep, only 9 more posts to go before i hit the 600, and in just over 3 years...can't be bad! of course the events of the last year have meant a great volume of posts than is typical as i work hard to make my way through everything that came up out of the various challenges that fell in my path...
sooo towards 600 - here i come!
it's funny, when i started the blog i had no idea how often i would write it, but i tried hard, at least initially to strive for daily...of course, that becomes increasingly difficult when 'life' seems to take over (here's me thinking my life was small only a handful of days ago)....and on the flip side, when 'life' really does get out of control for me, or my emotions get out of control, it seems the blog is my friend...
which given some of my challenges with asking for help, appearing vulnerable in any one else's presence, is no surprise...it's my outlet, my sounding board and of course, mainly my confidante and something to help me stay just a little bit closer to my usual level of sanity...
i find exercise a bit the same - sometimes, life takes over so exercise is difficult to fit in, but what i can say is that for the last 3 months or so, other than being unwell and physically not able to exercise (not being able to breathe will do that to a girl) i have pretty much managed to achieve this! and this is something to celebrate, as typically i see having to exercise as a chore, and i make all sorts of excuses...too cold, too hot, too humid, too tired, it'll take too long etc etc....
but in recent times i have worked hard to remind myself that there is only ONE person that benefits when i do exercise and the same ONE person who suffers when i don't, and that's me! so in fact exercise is starting to feel more like a self care activity for me and less like a chore - who knows, one day it might feel like indulgence....(i seriously doubt it, but hey?)
i love writing, have i mentioned that? yep i do...i write the blog, i write a monthly newsletter, i write emails and letters to friends, i am trying (note emphasis on trying...) to write a novel or two, and i've just enrolled in a Writing Fiction course throughout March/April...for me writing is probably the closest i get to being myself, it's a true reflection (usually) of what's going on in my mind and i find that as i start to type, a part of my brain, that isn't always at the forefront, seems to gear up....i have often found when i sit down to write the blog, i have nothing to say, and as i start typing, something in my brain turns on - it's like a typing operated switch in there! and sure, some of you will think that even though there is 'content', i don't have anything to say...and that's ok too :-)
soooo as i sit here and ponder how to get my brain into work mode (i have to make some recommendations to a client) for a coupla hours, before heading out to the SCG with my Dad...i am wishing that there was a button in my head to do that easily...
so trying to find or maybe it's less about finding and more about activating (which in itself is really about re-framing) that button in my head which will make throwing myself into work (especially when i'm at home) much much easier...
ok, signing off now...
have a wonderful day x
sooo towards 600 - here i come!
it's funny, when i started the blog i had no idea how often i would write it, but i tried hard, at least initially to strive for daily...of course, that becomes increasingly difficult when 'life' seems to take over (here's me thinking my life was small only a handful of days ago)....and on the flip side, when 'life' really does get out of control for me, or my emotions get out of control, it seems the blog is my friend...
which given some of my challenges with asking for help, appearing vulnerable in any one else's presence, is no surprise...it's my outlet, my sounding board and of course, mainly my confidante and something to help me stay just a little bit closer to my usual level of sanity...
i find exercise a bit the same - sometimes, life takes over so exercise is difficult to fit in, but what i can say is that for the last 3 months or so, other than being unwell and physically not able to exercise (not being able to breathe will do that to a girl) i have pretty much managed to achieve this! and this is something to celebrate, as typically i see having to exercise as a chore, and i make all sorts of excuses...too cold, too hot, too humid, too tired, it'll take too long etc etc....
but in recent times i have worked hard to remind myself that there is only ONE person that benefits when i do exercise and the same ONE person who suffers when i don't, and that's me! so in fact exercise is starting to feel more like a self care activity for me and less like a chore - who knows, one day it might feel like indulgence....(i seriously doubt it, but hey?)
i love writing, have i mentioned that? yep i do...i write the blog, i write a monthly newsletter, i write emails and letters to friends, i am trying (note emphasis on trying...) to write a novel or two, and i've just enrolled in a Writing Fiction course throughout March/April...for me writing is probably the closest i get to being myself, it's a true reflection (usually) of what's going on in my mind and i find that as i start to type, a part of my brain, that isn't always at the forefront, seems to gear up....i have often found when i sit down to write the blog, i have nothing to say, and as i start typing, something in my brain turns on - it's like a typing operated switch in there! and sure, some of you will think that even though there is 'content', i don't have anything to say...and that's ok too :-)
soooo as i sit here and ponder how to get my brain into work mode (i have to make some recommendations to a client) for a coupla hours, before heading out to the SCG with my Dad...i am wishing that there was a button in my head to do that easily...
so trying to find or maybe it's less about finding and more about activating (which in itself is really about re-framing) that button in my head which will make throwing myself into work (especially when i'm at home) much much easier...
ok, signing off now...
have a wonderful day x
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