older and a wee bit wiser...

and no, i haven't had another birthday! not yet...that's a little over 3 weeks away

no, what i mean by this post is that the older and wee bit wiser me, managed to resist the urge to contact chris...and i'm sure that a big part of it was not being able to actually find his number....

mental note to self: ALWAYS delete someone from the phone when you think it's a good idea to not have them in there in case of weak moments, or worse, the drunken dial

so sure, i couldn't find his number but as i found myself working out where it might be stored, i suddenly realised that if i actually did make contact with him, it would inevitably re-open the nightmare that was most of the first half of this year, and why? why the fuck would i do that to myself?

as if it wasn't bad enough he turned up at all...sure, he turned up, he said sorry, got what he wanted, and then left me to pick up the pieces from our childhood...

yep, easy for him, seemingly...

how relieved i am now, only a handful of days later that i didn't make contact with him...that i knew where it would go and that i resisted what turned out to be a very temporary urge...and what surely would have ended up in tears...

aren't they all? temporary? urges that is? so it's nice to look back on it and think that perhaps the reason it didn't end in tears, is not because i couldn't find his number, but because a tiny wee part of me, the older and slightly wiser part, knew it would be a bad idea...

yep, i'm going with that take on it all...

then again, i wonder if we ever change? if it's possible to break the patterns of a lifetime? to change the patterns and not make the same mistakes over and over again (of course, philosophically i believe it's possible or why else would i have become a therapist? but in this case, it's a rhetorical question to self!)