positive attracts positive...

so does the opposite hold true?

mmmm i wonder! and this has been a thought that has been going thru my head for some time...

i didn't get a chance to blog about my amazing day tuesday, but it really was just that: amazing!  and in so many ways so many amazing things happened, and i got to wondering if it was because i was feeling positive and genuine and ME...

and i know that might sound kinda weird, but i have been having a very difficult time of late, so much so that at times it has frightened me to the point of thinking i need professional help (and i don't say this as if professional help is a bad thing, on the contrary, most of you know that i work in that industry and consequently take mental health VERY seriously)...i have struggled to get myself out of the very negative and destructive thought patterns, and at times have struggled to even get out of bed and do my work....

it comes and goes, for sure, so it's not entirely pervasive, but bloody frightening all the same...it certainly makes me think about what it must be to live with depression...awful, frightening, lonely, energy zapping, and just sad :-( and of course i have lived with someone who did live with this awful illness, so i experienced it second hand, but when it's happening to you, you kinda realise why so many people give up the fight, as really when you are in it, it seems as though NOTHING or NOBODY can break through that and drag you out of it...

anyway, i digress...i guess tuesday in many ways was my break through, at least a small one, and one that i can look back on and smile at - see for some time i have really struggled to find things to smile about and even though i talk about gratitude and the simple things, even those 'techniques' or 'ways of being' have been really hard to rely upon lately...but tuesday was a blessing! the sun was shining, i woke up with an unusual (lately anyway) amount of energy and positivity, i had some great meetings (some personal, some work related) and the whole day just went well...

so then i got to thinking "mmm i wonder if the day would have gone so well if i hadn't been so positive?"...and whilst i don't know for sure that it wouldn't have, i'm pretty sure it wouldn't have...

soooo i'm going to try and remember that positive really does attract positive...and on those days when it's hard to feel positive, i'm going to try and remember just how wonderful tuesday was!

s
x

life is a rollercoaster sometimes...

and often when we are on such a ride, we don't know how or where to get off...

soooo this has been my last few days...following a much brighter start to the week last week, the end of the week (and my much anticipated Cairns getaway) proved very different...being in a hotel on my own, surrounded by couples and people with their families, made me feel as though life really has passed me by, and whilst for the most part i am ok with not having had children, there are times when i find it all a bit much to be confronted with it....

and so i find myself again questioning my version of success - and of course, this version is not the version that i apply to my friends, no, they don't have such high expecations or standards (in this regard at least) thrust upon them...no, this version is just for me

and i wonder why on earth that is? i mean of course i KNOW on many levels why it is, but not all of those things are the sorts of things one might post on a blog! but of course, like everything, our own life experiences shape who we are and our view of the world, and consequently our beliefs about ourself...

sooo what i'm going to try really hard to do (both on my own and with my therapist) is to really get under this belief i have that i won't be successful until i have a partner, and sure that might sound silly or superficial or whatever to you, but to me it really is how i see success...no matter how much money i earn, how fulfilling my work is, how much financial stability i have created for myself, how many amazing trips i've been on or how many wonderful friendships i have etc etc, it still feels empty...empty and meaningless, and i know that is a phrase that landmark use to describe life, but actually, i don't want my life to feel like that...

i want my life to feel full and meaningful...is that too much to ask??

i don't think it is...now i just have to work out how to ditch some of the beliefs i've held for years, that are simply not only no longer working for me, but methinks, in fact, they are actually holding me back...

nite xx

old adages are sometimes the best comfort...

and in this case, the adage 'this too will pass' is certainly appropriate! soooo i've had a much better week...combination of a few things i think, but i'm starting to feel as though my mojo is returning (and i am cringing a bit as i write this as i am not wanting to jinx myself...)...

so i heard from someone in my past this week, and i say someone in my past, coz really that is how i now see him, but it was in fact, LOVELY to talk to him and catch up on his news...

i got some great feedback from a client...always good! i got some supportive and encouraging emails and ideas from my lovely cousin, thank you! i had a couple of great coaching sessions and some leads have opened up...as i said to my dad tonight, i never 'bank' on them until the invoice is issued, but i think one or two of them might actually turn into work...please please please! i managed to ask one client if she was still interested in doing some of the initial work she had requested (despite our last meeting being, in my opinion, not great...she said she would think about it depending on price...so now i have something of a decision to make about how much i discount my current rate to get the work, which would give me a bit of extra money leading into xmas...)

and tonight, following a reading/crystal healing session where bec told me a bit about the 'energy' in some people's worlds, i had a lovely conversation with my Dad...turns out my Mum wasn't home and we talked for 35 minutes! surely almost a world record...:-)

oh and some other interesting stuff from bec about what happened with stacey - she has a view of why it all happened and she said that even though i have been feeling as though i haven't made any progress and i'm right back where i started, i'm in fact, NOT...which was very encouraging to hear :-)

soooo, i'm feeling much more positive this week - so much so i even created 2 new pages for my website (1 more to follow).....and i have 3 days in sunny Cairns to look forward to starting tomorrow...yay!

nite xx

i don't really know what else to do...

the loneliness is palpable...seems that whilst i am busy it takes a break, but the minute i seem to be on my own, it returns, with bags of dirty laundry that seems to need airing all over again...

i'm starting to feel really afraid that this sadness is never going to go away....and sure i've had times like this before (well at least i think i have) but honestly, i'm at a real loss...

i just don't seem to be able to make real headway...sure every now and again i lose myself in whatever i'm doing but all of my ghosts seem to keep coming back...and every time they come back it seems like there is one more in their midst...

i am starting to feel overwhelmed and exhausted and wondering just what i should do...am i actually depressed? and it's hard for me to say that coz i don't take mental health lightly - i've lived with someone who suffered from depression so i don't want to make light of it (i never would), but honestly, i'm starting to wonder if there is actually something wrong with me....

and you know i wonder if being on facebook has actually made it worse? seems everybody seems to have the life i wish i had (and don't get me wrong, coz there are many aspects of my life that i love) and in so many ways i feel as if life has passed me by....

41 and single is not where i want to be and no amount of putting on a brave face is gonna change that - i don't want to be here...it's hard, it's lonely, seems couples don't understand, and in a world that appears geared to the 'couple' being single just aint that much fun...

well, that's my current experience anyway...

of course everything going on could be a combination of many other external factors but honestly i am really starting to worry about myself...

seems every time i start to feel good, that nagging voice just keeps rearing her ugly head...and i wish she'd find something else to say coz 'i am not good enough' is wearing thin...



how can i

i think i was happier before i....

met ben, fell in love and got my heart broken - this was the gist of something i just wrote to a friend who sent me a msg to see how i was doing (following a rare vulnerable post on FB earlier this week)....honestly i do...which gets me starting to wonder if i could ever let myself fall in love again...which is ironic coz i am lonely and what i realised today (after yet another blow to my confidence) is that sometimes the thing that would be most lovely about being in a relationship with someone, is having someone to talk to at the end of those crappy days - someone who is on your side, and will listen, and of course someone who will be a sounding board as you make difficult decisions...

 

i miss that...i really really do and i am trying so fucking hard to put on a brave face and get on with life, but i'm miserable and struggling and wish things could be different....it just seems everytime i make inroads to fighting this stuff, some other fucking thing pops up to throw me a loop...

 

so today, i woke up feeling good, sun shining, got up early, did some work, got myself to client only to find out that i hadn't been invited to the 30 year anniversary function for the consulting company i am working for (who told me i would be invited when i first started work with them) - now of course you will know from previous posts that i don't like this company, don't think many of their values are aligned with mine and don't think they operate entirely with integrity, but to find out i hadn't been invited, just hurt and was a real slap in the face....i am out there doing a great job with their client, never get any feedback or thank you from them, only emails picking at what i do, and now coz previous friend is a friend of the MD's girlfriend (and has no doubt talked about the situation with this woman) i have been excluded...and you know, i don't even want to go - i don't like them, i don't respect them, i certainly don't want to socialise with them but they didn't invite me has me wondering what it is about me that they don't like and simply re-affirms my belief that i've done something wrong and i'm not good enough...and here we are again, back to that little girl who is basically one big mistake...

 

seems i am INCAPABLE of seeing things objectively right now, and fundamentally i actually think i am broken...

 

i wish i were kidding, but i'm not...so i'm going to try and write down the list of beliefs i currently have that cognitively i know are not working for me but for some reason right now are managing to really undermind me (now this is a massive undertaking and not one i am likely to a) complete in one post or b) feel emotionally stable enough to get out in one go... 

• until i am married or in a committed relationship, i'm just not going to see myself as successful (no wonder i would prefer to be with someone and no wonder i seem to attract and fall for the wrong type of men)
• i feel as though life has passed me by
• that everytime something doesn't go quite the way i want it to, i assume it's about me and that i could have done something differently
• that i'm not good enough for someone to love me
• that my judgement of people (not clients) is off
• all the 'should' beliefs that i have are starting to drive me crazy, especially when i don't think they are really my beliefs...yet they seem so hard to abandon

so you see, life seemed easier before ben came along - sure the beginning was great - that in love phase, the belief that i could meet someone and be with someone, but of course it has, subsequently, all come crashing down...and even though i instigated the breakup, which means when i am feeling as i do today, i question why i would let go of it...of course i know that on some level, our relationship wasn't right - i'd known for ages - probably why i was so unwell and felt depressed (probably was just grieving and processing, but it sure felt like depression - or maybe it was just apathy...) for so long...

in finding my voice and standing up for me (which i seem to be faced with a lot right now) it seems that i end up losing people - how can that be so - that just seems to re-affirm that not having a voice means i have more relationships...but surely having the right sort of relationships is worth pursuing, right?

or is it? am i expecting too much? do i have expectations of people that are unreasonable? as an example is it reasonble to expect friends not to 'drop you like a hot potato' the minute they get busy? is it reasonable to expect your partner to be capable of demonstrating their love for you? is it reasonable to expect people to behave with integrity? is it reasonable to expect friends to be considerate? is it reasonable to work for someone and expect them to acknowledge your contribution?

fuck, i am just so lost - i'm confused and tired, and feel so unsure of myself....where did i go wrong? seriously? i feel this overwhelming urge to just pack everything in but i don't know where i'd go or what i'd do...and all this from someone who says she is living her dream....

that's another thing i haven't mentioned, hardly to anyone, but running your own business is bloody stressful - the constant need to generate leads and work, and not just 'do' the work, but sign up the next client, is exhausting and whilst i am doing ok (actually, evidence would tell you that on current projections, unless i ditch the consulting company who are causing me so much grief, my current year revenue will be 3.2 times last years, and that is without signing any more business....) it just feels really bloody hard, and in a way that i hadn't expected it to be (that was probaby naive, or stupid, or a bit of both..)

i sometimes wonder if it wouldn't be easier to get a job and of course it would, but there are many things about having a job that does not appeal to me such as the lack of autonomy, and more importantly, the authority figures...and therein lies one of my issues...which i've known for a long time

i don't like authority - goes all the way back to my childhood, but it would appear as though that is not yet healed...

sooo i am now too tired to write anymore...i am honestly tired and sad and lonely and wondering where things will go from here...

nite xx

 

bye bye stacey...

yes, that's what i resolved this morning when i woke up...i'm done with her crap and her games...in the last 3 weeks she has shown herself to be nothing like a friend, and certainly that sort of behaviour is not something i am going to have willingly in my life...

bye bye to you - who didn't actually appreciate me for who i am, for not being forgiving or kind, for thinking it's ok to stonewall me when i have tried to reach out to you, for not being courageous enough to tell me truthfully how you are feeling, and for not having the guts to confront a difficult situation...bye bye to you...actually really what i'm feeling is good fucking riddance...

wow, i feel SOOOOOOOOOO much better to having said that! the struggle that has been the last 3 weeks is almost over and i feel uplifted, empowered and a little bit free....

the people i spent time with today reminded me of how wonderful i am - how much i have to offer and how generous TRUE friends really are...

so to you AF, thank you for being objective and listening to the whole story - thank you for giving me honest feedback about the situation - your perspective was razor sharp and really helped...

to GO, my fellow INFJ friend, thank you for being you, for appreciating me and not judging me - i can't believe i admitted something to you today that i don't think i've ever said out loud before! you are an inspiration to me...

thank you to GM who sent me a lovely FB msg and told me i looked like Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love - gotta love that sort of feedback...

to one of my clients, who told me today that he was taking a break coz he felt really good - what a fantastic recommendation that is - of course i'll miss him, but am thrilled that he is feeling good about himself and confident to tackle the world...go get 'em...

to all my FB friends who sent words of support yesterday (when i posted an unusually sombre post about the difficulties i was having)...your support means so much to me

and to my sister, who was one of those FB friends...

sooooo onwards and upwards - sage burning in the dining room to cleanse my house of the negative energy and virtual sage burning in my head to cleanse the raft of negative and self doubting thoughts that have been in residence there for the last few weeks...no more!

so bye bye it is, not even au revoir....and universe if you are listening, then please don't let this person come back unless they have learned their lesson!

nite
xx

happy 500th post...

wow, this is my 500th post! little did i know when i started the blog in january 2008 it would still be going strong nearly 3 years on! sooo it's a wee bit unfortunate that this particular post is not going to be a positive one but it certainly will be a celebration (maybe not today, but in time, of a new aspect of myself)....

so you will have seen some of my recent posts about friendship, forgiveness etc and i have done an inordinate amount of thinking about this situation and what i could have done differently, and in fact, whether or not this person really is a friend, and someone i want to keep in my life...

if it weren't complicated by the fact that we are working on a consulting engagement together i would probably just be very open (mental note to self: why wouldn't you be anyway!) and tell her that her behaviour towards me is not in line with the way i treat my friends and consequently i'm not sure i want her as a friend...

but is that childish?

so the upshot is this! we met in early feb, we spent a lot of time between then and end of may strategising ideas together for our various businesses, i stepped in to deliver a massive proposal for her when she was away, and also stepped in to provide this consulting company she introduced me to with a change resource whilst she was away...since she got back we spent a bit of time together but due to us both being busy we never did have our next strategy catch up...she has subsequently picked up a potentially huge piece of work and got so busy that she never calls, doesn't respond to my emails (especially those where i am asking how she is going and more personal stuff) and then i gave some feedback to the consulting company (that i'd previously given to her) and she didn't like it and said it put her in a difficult situation (i get that, acknowledged that and apologised both on the phone and in an email as we haven't had a chance to get together), that was on the 20th september and not a SINGLE personal email or acknowledgement of my emails since....she had previously asked me to do some work for her and then told me in an email she could no longer afford it (that might be a genuine reason), and now is only emailing with respect to the consulting client...so last week i openly ask her if this 'formal way of things' is how she wants our relationship to be and she hasn't even responded - it's been a week! i don't care how busy you are, for someone who's been a good friend and support and done a lot for you, i find it impossible to believe that in an entire week you can't find 5 fucking minutes to be open about what's going on for you....

soooo whilst i may be able to forgive myself and i may have (up until now) forgiven her, i am now DONE!

universe, sort this out please because the sort of people i want in my life are considerate, open, honest with how they feel, confront situations and are decent enough to find 5 minutes in their so called busy life for a friend!

d...o...n...e xx

forgiveness....

forgiveness! a complex subject for a tuesday morning but one i have been thinking a lot about in recent weeks! see i made a mistake, i did something that put a friend in a difficult situation...i've acknowledged what i did, i've apologised sincerely and she is now ignoring me...

sooo then of course it gets me wondering whether she in fact ever a friend in the first place - sure we had been spending a fair bit of time together since meeting earlier this year, sure we've talked a lot about business ideas etc, and sure she's put me in touch with the nightmare consulting company...but has she ever been a friend?

i don't really think so...and interestingly some time ago she said to me that she told her husband that she was enjoying having a good female friend...of course i conveniently forgot about that when i was beating myself up...funny, as she isn't a particularly warm person and tends to engage on the professional rather than personal level which i find rather difficult to be honest - knowing myself a lot better in recent times has helped me to see why some friendships work and last, and some....don't!

reality is, i don't think she has been a particularly good friend...my impression is largely that she calls when she needs something, doesn't do any sort of small talk, only responds to emails about business/work stuff, and ignores emails of a personal nature...so for me, i am now looking at this and thinking 'why did i ever think she was a friend?'...a colleague perhaps, and someone i might pursue some business opportunities with, yes, but a friend....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

sooo my challenge is now to be able to forgive her...and why would i do that? good question: well really what i find is that when i hold onto something (expectations etc) i'm the one who suffers! she probably has absolutely NO idea that i have been really hurt by her initial 'dropping me like a hot potato' when she got busy, so the only one spending any time thinking about it is me! go figure, and i'm not the one who's been a subpar friend...

as with a lot of things, i look at the meaning of the word and the dictionary has a number of entries, but the one i think most fitting for forgive is 'cease to feel resentment for'...mmmm a challenge but i think one that i am up to...if i use my buddhist teachings of cherishing others instead of cherishing self, that will help...meaning i can put her needs above mine...it's not gonna be easy though...but i'm going to TRY really hard!

so i'm going to do some role modelling of my own and focus on forgiving her so that i am no longer plagued by it all...

universe if you are hearing this, please help me through this...

the little master...

seriously is there ANY more accomplished batsman in cricket? well of course, there isn't, but really...

so yesterday (in typicaly cricket tragic fashion, I structured my day so i could be home for most of yesterday's match) i got to see Sachin Tendulkar...he broke through a number of records yesterday:

• first Indian batsman to hit 6 centuries in a calendar year
• 14,000 test runs (yes you read it correctly, 14,000 test runs...amazing)
• 100 runs in this test match (he was on 191 not out at stumps)
• 3,000 runs against Australia (I think that makes him the 3rd highest run scorer against Australia)

amazing really...what an amazingly talented cricketer he is...and i for one, will be devastated when he retires (which doesn't look immiment but given his age, it can't be far off)...

won't be quite as devastated as when Steve Waugh retired, but it will be close...

go Sachin, you little master you...

actions speak louder than words...

this quote/saying just came to me and it's funny coz it kind of means 2 things to me today:

 - re the so called 'friend' who is not returning my calls and is seemingly unable to get past my one small transgression (and yes I did make a mistake) her actions right now are speaking way louder than any words...

 - and for me action speaks louder to me than words in my head...meaning if i jump into 'doing' sometimes rather than just letting all those 'words' fly around in my head (and i'm not suggesting denial is a good thing) it seems to help me move beyond my funk...

sooooo actions speak louder than words - gonna try and remember that :-)

where to start??

that seems to be how i wake up feeling each morning...so for those of you who know me you will know that i occasionally suffer from blue periods...not really bad and nothing that doesn't usually shift itself, but in recent times i have really really struggled with this and what i realised is that it is WAY worse in the mornings...in fact usually by the time i get up and get going and do what i need to be doing, it starts to pass! so whilst we already know it's impossible for me to do 'self therapy' it is good (i think...) for me to do self observation and reflection if i can draw any conclusions that will help...right??

soooo it occurred to me that whilst i don't like having early morning starts (never have, doubt i ever will!) on the days when i need to get up, get ready and get out of the house, the days tend to start off a little bit better than those (like today) when i don't have to get up and out by a certain time....

mmmm perhaps a restructuring of my days is in order to help my mood - of course, the weather doesn't help either - a girlfriend and i were talking about this the other day and we observed that when the sun isn't out, we both feel flatter than when it is...

of course i can't control the sun - or i'd be very very well known and probably rich!!

so much has been going on in the last week or so, and not just the cricket (woo hoo...) and one topic warrants a post all of it's own (forgiveness)...

so possibility of some more work with a corporate client which would not only be FANTASTICALLY enjoyable but good financially, some great feedback from another one and an agreement to write a testimonial (yippee), opening up some other networks which will bring in work and feeling really good about my work, even though there are times when i do question this 'being in business' thing...

it's way harder than i expected (maybe i was just naive)...but also very enjoyable and rewarding, and i'm doing the sort of work i want to be doing which of course, is why i did it!

ok, closing off now and moving to forgiveness...

ciao

it's friday....

yay! i had an up and down week - some good, some not so good, but with not as much time to just reflect as last week, i came to some conclusions...

the so called 'friend' that i have mentioned in recent times, has shown herself not to be someone i in fact want as a friend, so i am now trying to move on from any residual expectations i have that she will respond to my email...she wants to play it all professional, well i can do that too...

had a shocker meeting yesterday which sent me into a spin - so much so i was actually contemplating why i run my own business thinking that it would be far easier to work for someone else...but of course i woke up feeling entirely differently and having spent a nice day with some mates and then my friday afternoon acupuncture and a quiet night in, i feel more like my level headed self...of course you expect to have bad meetings and sometimes question if it's all worth it, but then a couple of things happen (out of the blue) and you realise that you are on the right track...

i realised today, in fact i realised ages ago but spent some time thinking about it today, that i really am not very good at goodbye's and a part of me wonders if this is tied into my experience of being abandoned (repeatedly) throughout my life??? interesting thought to ponder as the weekend unfolds...

soo planned is this:
 - meditation retreat sat am
 - blow dry of hair in prep for girlfriend's birthday party
 - girlfriend's bithday party
 - brekkie with a good mate
 - lunch date - yep, an actual date....watch this space
 - movie with birthday girl: Eat Pray Love (can't wait!)

so no doubt monday morning i'm going to be exhausted....

hope you have a good one xxx

oooh only 7 to go...in the meantime, let me tell you something i don't like

about facebook! so it took me years to finally get with the program and get on facebook and even though i am enjoying being in contact with people i haven't seen or heard from in years, there is a downside (this isn't what i don't like so much as a personal experience of it...and it could just be my currently difficult frame of mind that is leading to this conclusion) for me which is that almost everyone seems to be in a relationship or has had a child etc and i guess that sometimes makes me feel very very alone...not always, just sometimes!

anyway, the real reason i don't like it is that there clearly isn't an inbuilt spell check - my god, do people not know that now and know mean different things (and sure, i could assume these are simply typos but when they repeatedly come up, it's hard to continue to give the benefit of the doubt)...do they not know that their and there and even they're all have different meanings and should be used in different ways - aarrgghh!

here endeth my facebook slur - and actually it's not about facebook it's about the people who can't spell, so sorry facebook! however, perhaps a grammar test might be a good way to eliminate this stuff??

nite
xx

kinda weird

watching a GF for a team your ex supported, and you kinda like, without them...guess this is just one of the many first's that come after a relationship breakdown...and i was doing so well following my heart acunpuncture on friday (not needles in the heart, but needles to help my heart)...

was talking to someone today about 'getting over people' we've been with and honestly i don't reckon you ever do - sure it becomes less painful to think about it, but there were some complicating factors (and i won't say unique, coz i'm sure there were others with some of the stuff we shared)....and it's probably all my own stuff and fearss...but there are times when i find it hard to believe that we are no longer together...as if in some way i'm gonna wake up from a dream soon and everything will be ok...and of course, in time, it will be, and sometimes, it is already, and not that i am hanging on for the year mark, but it does seem as though the big things that happen for the first time post, seem to be a reminder of what no longer is...

sooo i guess as i said to this person i don't think we do ever get over the people we have loved, we simply work out how to integrate what they meant to us and the fact that they are no longer in our lives into who we are now...

still, it's not only kinda weird, but also kinda sad :-(

man am i looking fwd to acunpuncture again this week coz whatever he did certainly helped....sooo to bed for me on this cold, wet and windy night...alone again...and maybe i need to be alone for a while coz even though when i am feeling good i know that i would make a wonderful partner to someone, right now i really don't feel as though that would be the case...

nite xx

500 is only 9 posts away...

wow! i can't believe that in less than 3 years i will hit the 500 posts mark - that will be an average of 15.15 posts per month, or one every second day - that's not bad seeing as though when i started it was an experiment of sorts! kinda happy that i've kept it up - not only is it a record of what was going on for me at certain times, but it's also extremely cathartic...and whilst i am nowhere closer to writing those novels, i think that one day, i just might fix that...

soooo 8 more to go and then the big one! wondering what i will do to celebrate/mark the occasion???

ideas?

s
xx

one of the many aspects of therapy

that i love, is the thinking it prompts in between sessions....sooo right now i am finding myself doing a lot of reflecting, not only on what is going on for me right now, but on how that is linked to historic events of my life...and you know, and of course i know, that there are some key linkages here, and that's probably why i've been feeling so sad and like everything that happens is a personal attack on me - coz quite simply, stuff from my past is right here haunting me and i haven't yet worked thru it...

sooo i'm not going to go into a lot of detail here, what i am going to say is that as time goes on i am drawing some conclusions about the link between abandonment (and resulting attachment) - expectations and then disappointment...

so these are themes i have often found myself grappling with and the last few weeks with everything that has been going on with someone i thought was a friend is a perfect example - quite possibly i have made what has happened all about me...of course the alternative is that there is a very real rift between us and after only one discretion (and i'm not even sure i will concede that it was that) this person has decided that whatever non professional relationship we had is no longer for her...i respect that - of course it has implications for me, both personally and possibly professionally, but in the long run, if she is the sort of person that after one thing doesn't stick around, well that says a lot more about her than it does about me...

but deep deep down there is this little nagging voice - telling me that i should have handled it differently or that i didn't do the right thing or that i am at fault...i wonder when that voice is ever going to be on my side, and tell me that i did exactly what was right at the time and to trust my instincts???

i wonder, where is that voice? well i can tell you i'm gonna be searching for her and when i find her, i am not going to let her go...

she made an appearance earlier this year, but since then, with health issues and the sometimes sad reality of what me finding her led to, she hasn't been around so much...

sooo my quest now is to find her - to resolve some of the other issues mentioned above (namely the links) and move on....

easier said than done methinks, but i do love a challenge....of sorts!

nite
xx

i think a standoff is

in place between this 'friend' and me...she called me yesterday to talk about some consulting stuff, i missed her call, called her back and nothing...

a big wall of silence seems to be in operation and honestly, it's not sooo bad!

sooo if we ever move past this, she may well continue to be a good colleague, but i don't think she is showing herself to be a good friend right now...

it's official...

i think i really am broken...i actually told my acupuncturist today how bad i was feeling - not physically, but emotionally, and he was great - decided to do a different sort of acunpuncture today to try and mend my broken spirit...

and honestly, i am starting to be a little bit concerned - it's been a long long time since i have had a period of sadness/depression as i am going through right now - just don't seem to be able to shake it :-( acupuncturist thinks it's no surprise given what's going on in my body and in fact when i had the blood tests done back in August and first saw the naturopath, both of them said that with the issues i was having (liver etc) it wouldn't be surprising if i was experiencing some depression...but i was feeling ok then, only now am i feeling like crap...

got me a little bit stumped actually but when i consider my health and everything else that's gone on in my life both in the last year and recently (read posts re consulting stress, friends who aren't really friends etc etc), then no wonder i don't feel so hot!

my bounce has gone - the bubbly positive me is finding it hard to not only muster up my usual levels of energy, but even to crawl out of bed in the mornings...and it's doing nothing for my sense of self, which i can honestly say has taken a beating of late...

the me of a month or so ago was optimistic about the future and felt certain that life was going to turn out just the way i wanted it to, and now, i'm not so sure...i find myself feeling negative about myself, worrying (not a lot but it's starting to creep in) about the long term future of my business, and wondering if I am EVER going to meet my mr right...

see what's also become apparent is that the feelings of failure i pushed aside when ben and i broke up have re-surfaced, and seemingly with a vengeance...

sooo the big question really is: why do i feel like being single means failure?? i wonder how much therapy i need to do to really shake this belief, which is so clearly NOT working for me!

ok, well to bed, and methinks tomorrow i might start trying to incorporate exercise - it's a sure fire way to help beat those blues!

nite xx