and i slept on it some more...

but eventually i decided i needed to have my say - and it wasn't long or emotional, simply that i was disappointed...and of course there is a part of me that is ok with it and another part that wonders if this will herald the end of our association (can't say working relationship as we haven't had one)...and i am still not sure how i feel about that...

sooo in reality, she's made a few introductions for me - none have turned out to be anything other than the one role i'm doing now with the consulting company - yes, the very same company i would prefer not to work with again after this assignment (of course i'd rather sack them than have them tell me they don't want me to work for them - who wouldn't right?)...and not that i've done anything to warrant being sacked, of course not, but i think i don't do things the way they would and consequently they might see me as something of a trouble maker! client loves me and i love the client, but the intermediary, well, they don't like me!

soooo back to the other person - so she introduced me to this mob and for that i am grateful (to a point)...but otherwise i feel as though it's been largely a one way street of me supporting her and trying to generate ideas for her business...was ok for her to call on me numerous times a day when she wasn't busy (and i was VERY happy to help her) - what i wasn't expecting, and nor am i happy about, is her dropping me like a hot potato as soon as she got busy....sure everyone says i'm so busy' and we are supposed to understand, but to me that just means 'i'm too busy for you'...sure sure i'm taking it personally, but it has in fact, impacted me so how can i not???

anyway, other than a call this morning about the client, she hasn't responded to my email, in fact hasn't responded to a number of my emails and whilst i could just put that down to her being busy, actually i think something much bigger is going on...

sooo i guess time will tell and honestly am i ok with it? yep, guess i am! as with all things, i believe they happen for a reason and whilst i'm not yet sure what that reason is, i'm sure it will become clearer in the fullness of time...

to bed for me and a quiet day tomorrow!

nite xx

so i slept on it

for two nights, and honestly, i almost (note i said almost) don't care anymore...i'm disappointed, sure but i have so many other things that are vying for my attention right now, that giving this particular email (or her behaviour towards me in the lead up) is really not a good use of my time...what i am realising is that people who have little or no capacity for feeling or connecting on an emotional level, are not really people i want to be spending time with...this along with some other realisations during my 1st session with new therapist have certainly provided some interesting food for thought...

soooo i'm doing my level best to let it go! to focus on me and my work and building my business and that is feeling pretty good...had 2 great coaching sessions yesterday, enjoyed my consulting gig today (although it was tiring as the day was all up a 9 hour day - it's been a while since i did one of those!) and will enjoy a slightly easier day tomorrow, thursday day off to spend with my best friend as we celebrate her birthday, and friday a mix of business and pleasure...a busy weekend actually which will probably be good for me!

course things generally would be way better if i didn't have to go to a wedding at the beginning of november, and if my parents weren't so obsessed with detail and planning (this is the 'p' in me coming out!) that it drives me nuts - they really don't get how different i am from them sometimes...from my earlier posts you will know that i am finding many aspects of single life (many, not all!) difficult, so the last thing i want is to have to go to a wedding where i will know virtually no-one in a city i prefer not to be in....of course it probably won't be as bad as i envisage it in my head...

funny how easily external factor/events can impact us, and sad how the memories of times past can haunt us, even years and years on...mmmm more food for thought!

so i'm going to sign off there as i am, in fact, exhausted

nite xxx

think i should sleep on it...

soooo bit of a continuation from a post last week - or maybe not - maybe it's just my psycho head - at times i do tend to exaggerate things and blow them out of ALL proportion - it's true, i do! ask any of my good friends or my therapists - they'll all tell you it's true!

sooo last week as an example - i'd been invited to the party of a very very very good friend and having felt sick all week, as well as in the middle of my emotional crisis, i just wasn't up to going - so didn't, but then proceeded to beat myself up and felt guilty for days - until i spoke to another friend mid week who couldn't believe i would even think that way - she said that my other friend wouldn't have even given it a 2nd thought and she was RIGHT....

must listen to the opposite of what i think sometimes - it really would be useful! sooo this might be an interesting topic to bring up with my new therapist tomorrow - yep, love my old therapist, but this is someone who does transformational work and she was recommended about a year ago and i feel ready for a new challenge in therapy - but of course, refer paragraph above, i am feeling a WEE bit guilty about not going back to my old therapist to do this work - even though i am the client and would recommend that my clients only do work with who they want...and yet i still have some nagging thoughts in my head...

seriously what is wrong with me? of course i feel a wee bit happier this week - had a lovely few days with my sister and my nephew (for his 9th birthday) and my niece...and my parents (who arrived as a surprise for the birthday boy)...went to Manly, ate way too much (consequently feel quite ill tonight...healthy living starts again tomorrow), didn't sleep anywhere near enough...and was enjoying a quiet night at home (with Offspring) when i read someone's post on facebook 'today was too nice to spend alone'...and you know what, i actually thought how insensitive it was - what if you don't have anybody to spend it with you fucking idiot is what i thought...and it's true, there are many people, including myself, who don't have that special someone and of course there are other people this person may have meant, but i read it based on what is going on for me right now, and what is going on for me right now (as i told one of my best friends lastnight, yes the very same GF one) is that i am struggling with the whole being single thing...

and by struggling i mean feeling without hope that the situation will change, that maybe just maybe there isn't someone out there for me, that maybe just maybe i am too broken to be attractive to anyone...who knows...

and when i read through what i just wrote my brain says 'don't be ridiculous, you are smart, gorgeous, caring, funny and have a lot to offer a man (the right man that is)'....but lurking deep within, in the depths of my psyche that as yet, remain unexplored and as such, hidden to me...is a little voice that says (and sadly, believes) that i am just not good enough...

wow, it's out! i said it and it's kind of a moutain sized relief to have actualy said it out loud....

soooo now to bed and to sleep on it! and the sleep on it relates to whether or not i will respond to a friend who sent me an email tonight (kind of work related, actually yes, definitely work related) which has made me question myself....

yep, definitely sleep!

nite
xxx

GF's....

sooo today's post is going to be about Good Friends and Grand Finals...

so firstly, thank you to a very good mate of mine who called for a chat today and to see how i was following him reading my blog - he does this to keep in touch with what's going on when he's busy...so to you my good good friend, thank you! for being you and for being my friend - you mean the world to me :-) hope to see you later this week!

and then to the other GF, grand finals - today was something i never figured was an outcome of a grand final - a draw - how bloody disappointing - i'm not even a fan of either of the teams playing but i am a fan of sport and footy and grand finals, and today was quite simply a disappointing result - great game, but disappointing result and can you believe 44 exhausted men need to turn up next week and do it all again? surely not i hear you saying, but it's true!

ok longer post to follow...nite
xx

meditation is the answer...

and maybe i should have remembered that when i was having my lowest of low days...which i fear are not behind me, but i'm starting to arise from the morass...

i think starting to read again helps, of course ultimately it's a distraction, but that's ok right? anyway, i'm loving the murakami i picked up lastnight but wondering in fact, if i have read it before - there is a similarity with many of his books and by no means do i mean they are repetitive, but this is seeming in parts, very familiar and in others not, so only time will tell...

so really this post was to say that meditation did help and i just love the teacher, she's so kind and i stayed behind for over 30 minutes talking to her...and even though meditation didn't answer the question i was hoping to find an answer for, it stopped me thinking about it so now it seems less important to answer it!

nite xxx

mostly good...

but had a conversation today that i wasn't looking forward to - it actually went well - i confronted the issue head on knowing that this person (a friend and colleague) would be pissed off, or at least a little bit disappointed, and of course i apologised...long story, not gonna go into it here, and the people pleasing side of me wonders if it will jeopardise any future work with this company - and you know what - part of me doesn't give a toss as they, the company, are a fucking nightmare to deal with - what i do love is the end client and of course, i wouldn't get to work with the end client unless the company was in between....sooo now i have to decide about whether i will suck it up until july 2011 when this particular client engagement ends and then tell them to take a running jump, or would that be a bad business decision....

and herein lies one of the problems of running your own business! once you have the autonomy and make all the decisions, there are still some decisions which you have to make - actually i think that pretty much only applies to one thing and that is financial security...

soooo i'm glad the friend and i had the conversation, even though i wasn't looking forward to it but there is a nagging doubt about what it might mean...guess only time will tell...

and then there's the person from my past who has kind of re-appeared, but of course now he lives in Melbourne, but he's re-appeared and for the life of me i can't work out why....and he lives in Melbourne - i mentioned that right!!!

very very frustrating - hoping meditation will help clear my head...sooo all in all a slightly better day but the end of the day loneliness and sense of having nothing to look forward to is starting to inevitably set in! must do something about that!

nite
xx

19 posts to go, until the big one...

and after a pretty ordinary day, i am feeling way way better...my friend Emma came over this afternoon with gluten free muffins in hand, a shoulder to cry on, 2 great listening ears, and some good advice...it's nice to know sometimes that simply talking to someone who actually really understands, and will listen (rather than give unwanted advice) makes things all a bit more bearable...

i often say to people that being heard is one of the greatest gifts we can give someone else, and today, a good friend did that for me...so thanks Em :-)

sooooo i'm about to crawl into bed and i think i'm going to find a book to take with me (following a realisation that in the last 3 - 4 months i have not enjoyed my reading - which is most unusual for me and a big sign that things are not what they usually are with me) and hope that by starting to get back into reading, by getting back into my monday night meditation and by focussing on 'doing' rather than 'thinking' my mojo will return....

nite everyone xxx

when people ask you how you are...

what is it we think they are asking? so i read an interesting article the other day which basically summised that most times people are asking about our physical health with little regard for our emotional wellbeing, and i have to say, having had one of the most difficult years of my life and one where i frequently feel sad, lost and lonely, i can vouch for that...

it's kinda sad that we focus so much on the physical - the tangible - the stuff we can see - but really, i would rather be in physical than emotional pain - for physical pain there is not only a wide range of medications that we have available to us, but a recognition that something is actually wrong...

just because people can't see what's wrong with us when we are struggling emotionally, doesn't mean it's not real...

and i know this coz not only have i had some experience of mental health, but i am also finding it increasingly difficult to find things that make me happy right now...

my usual spark and zest for life has gone (hopefully only temporarily) and i can honestly say that there are moments when i wonder if i will ever feel happy again...this has been going on for about 2 weeks now, and i can honestly say that i haven't (other than when there were clear external factors influencing my mood or situation) felt this sad in years....

the initial grief of the break up seems well behind me, for a period of time it was replaced with a renewed energy and enthusiasm to focus on me, and now with that, and my holiday behind me, i just now feel empty...

there is sense of hopelessness and not having anything to look forward to and i'm sure if i were to do CBT on myself, then i wouldn't find much evidence to support how i feel right now, but that's just the point isn't it, it's not about evidence or physical stuff or even reality, my reality right now is that quite frankly, i am alone...

and this is one reason that i chose to stay with Ben for longer than i probably should have - and don't get me wrong, coz i also loved and cared about him, but even when things weren't working (and they weren't for a long time before we broke up) i still figured that having someone (him even) around was better than this...

and for a little while after the breakup i had a sense of freedom and that definitely eased the blow, but that euphoria (and i don't say that i was euphoric, so much as i felt free to focus on me and that initially felt euphoric) seems to be long gone and now i'm faced with starting over...

the very thing i didn't want to have to do...and it's easy for everyone to say 'oh you'll be alright, you'll meet someone else' (i even found myself saying it to a much younger friend the other day - and when i said it i honestly believed he will) but sometimes i wonder if i will be alright, and if i will meet someone else???

i was talking to a friend yesterday about this and she basically said 'life is shit sometimes' and even though there are many things i am grateful for, i find myself feeling sad and resentful a lot just recently...

it's at these times too that it's easy to question the value in some of our friendships - people i previously thought were good friends and there for me, haven't made contact in months and so then i get to thinking that maybe that's about me - am i bad company? is my sadness (which frankly, other than the first month or so after and the last 2 weeks, has NOT been how i have presented to the world) too much for some people? or were they maybe just never very good friends in the first place?

kinda makes me sad and one thing i always missed about being single before i met Ben was never feeling like i was important to just that one person - it seems everywhere i look right now people around me are with someone, and it has heightened my sense of being alone...

so universe if you are listening - i am struggling right now to find my smile so if you can find it in your heart/power to send me a little sign, i'd really appreciate it :-)

wow i can't believe it's been nearly

a week since i last posted! this last week has gone by so quickly - i almost can't believe it's friday night already...

soooo i feel much better this week - emotionally that is...after a shocking week last week i have slowly found my way back to a happy medium...i've had some up and downs, but nothing like last week...

guess a lot happens in a week sometimes, and not always in a significant way, sometimes just in a sheer volume sort of a way! so i finished one part of work with a client, and started the next, delivered my first ever solo programme with another client and it went really well...realised at about 5pm today how happy i was that i never went to work for a consulting firm...have to be cryptic here but suffice it to say there are many aspects of consulting that i downright don't like, and if i didn't love the end client so much or need the money, i would certainly be walking away from this particular assignment, but as i said to my acupuncturist tonight, my business brain is winning out over my emotional brain...bring on the time when that no longer happens...

sooo next week will be a wee bit quieter - in fact i only have 2 face to face client meetings and a little bit of work to do Monday and the remainder of the week is mine! doesn't mean i won't be thinking about work or doing some stuff for the website or even trying to drum up work, but it will be a bit quieter than the last few weeks, which given i am still trying to 'refill my battery' (acupuncturist speak) will be a good thing...

ok, well wishing everyone a great weekend ahead - let's hope the sydney weather does it's best for us!

s
x

a mixed bag...

that's pretty much how today has been...so following on from my post yesterday about other people's news impacting me negatively, i got to wondering if it's a bit of envy or just concern for the business...

not sure i've answered that question for myself yet...but today started well until i got some news from a friend...not sure why exactly i let it derail me, but it did...not so much that i didn't manage to write my presentation for this week or go and do some shopping before my nephew arrives for his birthday...but i didn't manage to also write the article i promised to write today...feel kinda bad but knowing it's a weekend i am sure i can get away with writing it tomorrow...

but the evening started nicely as i'd confessed to a good friend that i was feeling really quite out of sorts, and she called me - we had a good chat - this is someone i've known for 4 years now and we both experienced breakups a few months apart...so since both of our breakups we have spent a lot of time together which i have really enjoyed...in recent months that has slowed up a bit due to both of us being sooo busy...so we had a good long chat, caught up on the news and made plans for next sunday...

one thing i really love about this particular friend is that no matter how sad i feel, a chat with her always brings a smile to my face and no matter how sombre i am feeling, she never judges me for it or advises me to 'get on with it' - you know what i'm talking about right? some people are simply incapable (or perhaps disinterested) in just 'being' with someone when they are having a tough time...

well to you Em, thank you! for being you and for being there...see you next week

nite xx

on a bumpy road

right now, well that's how i feel anyway - seems i can go from being happy one minute to less than happy the next...the strangest external events are having a disproportionately big impact on my mood right now...

maybe i need to get out some more, although i don't exactly feel like i'd be good company for anyone...bit of a catch 22 really...

i am finding life very lonely right now, and there are a number of contributing factors, but i can tell you, no matter what the factors, i am really not enjoying it...i feel kinda isolated nad even a bit resentful (mental note to self to identify where that might be coming from)...

could be my usual expectation gap! think it's probably gonna be a lifelong battle with my expectations of others and what they do...

ok, gotta get back to it xx

bye bye eli...

so i'm bummed that they only made 2 seasons of eli stone - of course i'm happy that i have them both on dvd, but i'm bummed that now i've watched them all there will be no more...

i can honestly say i don't think i have EVER watched a show that moved me week in and week out for 2 seasons - sure there are many shows i've watched that i've laughed at, enjoyed, found intellectually challenging etc, but none of them have affected me in the way that eli did, week in and week out...

when i first started watching it, it was on fox on a wed night, and so i would look forward to a thursday night (usually recorded it and watched minus the ads) when i could settle in for dinner and my hit of eli...

but as usual i got impatient and bought the 2nd series on dvd - and have, in the last 2 days, watched it all...

i just loved it - i love him (well his character), i love the idea of it, i love the relationship he has with his brother, with his acupuncturist, with his boss, with his pa...most of all i love that it reminds me that (to use a george michaelism) you gotta have faith...

and it would have been good if i could have remembered that lastnight...

sooo when i reflect on the last 36 hours, what i realise is that whilst i may have been able to move on from a life with ben and carve out a life for myself, i am occasionally lonely, but more worrying is that i am still angry (not always) with him, and with myself, and maybe just maybe i need to go deal with that....

on the count down to 500 posts....

i just realised that in 25 more posts i will have posted 500 times! amazing, as when i started this thing in early 2008 i wasn't sure it would last - guess i proved myself wrong!

i do love blogging - i love that it's largely anonymous and only people who i really want to know my business actually have the link...i love that it's a very good way to remember what was going on in my life, as opposed to a diary which i wouldn't be able to read (did i mention i have the worst hand writing?)....and it's cathartic, when i'm having a bad time (which in the last 24 hours seems to be par for the course, sadly)...it's a way of me talking about what i'm feeling, at least to myself...

so i did something pretty stupid lastnight and following my post where i said i was going to go to bed and contemplate, wish i had done just that...instead i got myself worked up into quite a state and did something careless - not sure i regret it, but what it made me realise is that i am still (at times) angry - angry that ben stayed for so long when he didn't want to be here, angry that i didn't ask him to leave sooner, angry that he thought it was ok to stay here when he should have probably left...i'm angry...

and i've thought about going to see my counsellor, but then as i do, i say i'm angry but then don't want to stay with that anger (kind of ironic that the counsellor who suggests her clients stay with their feeling, doesn't really want to stay  with hers...) but seriously, part of me wonders what staying with it will achieve for me? i don't want to be angry or upset and i'm happy to admit when i am, but then will staying there and magnifying how i feel help me move on? not sure, might have to consider that...

what i do know is that under all the anger i am hurt - i opened myself up to ben and a relationship with him and he hurt me repeatedly, and maybe the person i am angry at most is myself, for not having the courage to end things earlier....

soooo i'm a bit sad, a bit angry, i'm hurting and i wish it would go away...sometimes too i wonder that even though i can intellectualise what happened and hope i won't fall into the same patterns again, i wonder how i won't???

soooo back to work now as i have a STACK to do today....

the mean reds...

is kinda how i feel tonight...and i could say i'm not sure why i'm feeling flat, but that wouldn't be entirely honest...

see i realised today that for the last few days i've been feeling as though i've missed someone's birthday, and this morning as i was about to leave the house i realised that i have...evan...evan is ben's nephew and he turns 2 this week and it made me realise that one of the things i really miss about being with ben (maybe anyone, maybe not just ben) is being part of a family...and of course i am part of a family too, but ben's family are here in sydney so we got to spend a bit more time with them...and of course they weren't part of our day to day life, but we did see them from time to time, and of course other than ben, my favourite two people in his family were evan and his nana...

and now i don't get to see them at all...so sure, i have family and i love them, and i see them as often as i want to travel, but what i realised is that i don't have a family of my own...not even sure a family of my own means kids, but it does mean someone to share my life with and someone to come home to....and i'm not sure i want kids, never really have been, but as time goes on and it becomes less of a possibility, i guess i'm starting to wonder what i might have missed out on...

so tonight i have spent watching my favourite show (eli stone) and trying to not feel so lonely but of course it's such a moving show that invariably i don't get through an episode without tears...and tonight was no exception - you know i really hope that someone like him exists as i just find his compassion so incredibly attractive...

sooo maybe my sadness is exacerbated by my eli stone addiction, or maybe it's not....

all i know is tonight is a night i would love to have someone here to hold me and tell me it's all gonna be alright...

sometimes i wonder if it's ever going to happen for me - of course i have no reason to believe it won't, but some days it just feels like it may never...

so i'm going to crawl into bed now and just contemplate, and hopefully i will wake up feeling a little chirpier tomorrow...

nite
xx

bit flat tonight...

but that's probably a combination of having been away from home for the weekend when all i wanted to do was lie around in bed...see i'm STILL sick! can you believe that - it's been nearly 2 weeks and i am totally OVER it...

and today i even had a bad day with all my stomach stuff - it's been pretty good for a week or so, and i guess it feels a bit like a set back today...hopefully it's not permanent :-(

otherwise, am ok - a bit busy for my liking but pleased the money is starting to come in...

really need to work out a better way to schedule!

ok early night in store, or maybe i'll watch just one more episode of Eli Stone...

nite xx

and a week on i'm still sick...

i am soooo annoyed with the person who infected me...as if i haven't had enough health concerns to worry about of late without the added bonus of a sore throat, headache, fever and feeling hot one minute and freezing the next...

anyway, hopefully it will get better soon and not deteriorate into anything really nasty...

on a positive note, picked up some consulting work with a big infrastructure company (bit of a coup really as they had received some input from a MASSIVE consulting company, but chose me - pretty chuffed about that)...still enjoying my existing consulting gig and loving the team building and mbti i'm doing with another company - it's all going pretty well and i'm really grateful that it is :-)

been watching a bit of tennis today as i have been on the couch trying to get better - reminded me of my great holiday with my big sister leaf! when are we going back???

turns out ben finally found out i was on facebook - didn't think it would take this long but it was bound to happen and of course i have nothing to hide, so have no problem with him knowing i'm on it...

ok well back to the couch as i feel like absolute crap and need to rest up before 2 big meetings tomorrow...

nite xx