as evidenced by the sore throat/headache lurgy i picked up from a friend last week!! sooo why is it that when people are sick they think it's ok to share their germs - it's not, it never has been and it never will be, and especially for me right now (for everyone really) as i have been having some serious enough health issues without now having to deal with this crap!
sooo i'm about to crawl into bed with the hot water bottle, the heat pack, some vitamin c and possibly after hving gargled some soluble aspirin...
not fucking happy! if you are sick, stay home and get better and remember that sharing is not particularly caring when you are sharing germs!
nite xx
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
so i had an epiphany this week...
some years ago i applied for a cfo role at my place of work - i knew i was the best person for the job, and the person i would be reporting to (if successful) told me that not only did he think i was the best person for the job but that he wanted me in the job, so imagine my surprise when i am not offered the job (instead it went to someone with seemingly good technical skills and NO people leadership skills, and no understanding of the particular business we were in).....
the feedback i was subsequently provided with was that my interview technique wasn't great and that i was too waffly and fluffy...
kinda threw me as there are not many times in my life where i would have been described as fluffy....
soooo i've kinda buried that away and then the other day it hit me! in the middle of an mbti debrief session with a client i realised that my mbti preference/type (infj or infp - can't even decide on that, maybe I am fluffy after all) and in particular the 'nf' combination, means that it is not my natural tendency to talk about my achievements in concrete terms - i am an abstract person at times and i tend to relay things in conversation by way of how i remember feeling (that would be the 'nf' combination) and what i realised is that to an 'st' i am simply just a waffler - they don't get enough detail from me, they think i'm fluffy because i talk about my experiences in terms of how i felt, rather than what i did, and of course, when i look back it's no wonder i didn't get the job...
sooo then now this is also an interesting concept when writing one's cv - this is something i have ALWAYS struggled to do - until i was given some exercises to encourage me to be specific, fact based and concrete - things that frankly, bore me to tears...
soooo the ephiphany i had was that even the simplest of things (such as writing a cv) can be materially impacted by our preference - doesn't mean we can't develop good cv writing skills or become fact based, and concrete, but what i do know is that for a true 'nf' it just isn't where we want to be...
sooo it's really nice years on to be able to look back and agree with the feedback and to know, that despite me not getting the job, i probably still was the best person for it...having said that i am sooo relieved i didn't get it - coz i wouldn't be right here right now doing what i love!
the feedback i was subsequently provided with was that my interview technique wasn't great and that i was too waffly and fluffy...
kinda threw me as there are not many times in my life where i would have been described as fluffy....
soooo i've kinda buried that away and then the other day it hit me! in the middle of an mbti debrief session with a client i realised that my mbti preference/type (infj or infp - can't even decide on that, maybe I am fluffy after all) and in particular the 'nf' combination, means that it is not my natural tendency to talk about my achievements in concrete terms - i am an abstract person at times and i tend to relay things in conversation by way of how i remember feeling (that would be the 'nf' combination) and what i realised is that to an 'st' i am simply just a waffler - they don't get enough detail from me, they think i'm fluffy because i talk about my experiences in terms of how i felt, rather than what i did, and of course, when i look back it's no wonder i didn't get the job...
sooo then now this is also an interesting concept when writing one's cv - this is something i have ALWAYS struggled to do - until i was given some exercises to encourage me to be specific, fact based and concrete - things that frankly, bore me to tears...
soooo the ephiphany i had was that even the simplest of things (such as writing a cv) can be materially impacted by our preference - doesn't mean we can't develop good cv writing skills or become fact based, and concrete, but what i do know is that for a true 'nf' it just isn't where we want to be...
sooo it's really nice years on to be able to look back and agree with the feedback and to know, that despite me not getting the job, i probably still was the best person for it...having said that i am sooo relieved i didn't get it - coz i wouldn't be right here right now doing what i love!
not quite as hopeless as
i previously thought...so as the week has gone on and the regime that i am on is starting to feel like a normal routine, i must admit to feeling somewhat better...
sure i'm not cured! but i am feeling WAY better than i was 2 weeks ago - this might be because i no longer drink betwen 6 & 8 cups of tea per day, but am down to 1 low caffeine cup in the mornings (except today when i had one in the afternoon, but that's coz i was feeling sick with cold/headache/fever etc)...sooo the giving up caffeine has been a feat - a huge feat and early on it felt like it would NOT be possible, but i guess it is - it was really hard actually - so much so i thought the headache alone would kill me, or make me kill someone else...
i can REALLY empathise with people who suffer from an addiciton of something far more serious than caffeine - giving up is really hard...and i remember doing a paper on whether addiction was physiological or psychological, and even then i said it was probably a combination of both, well i reckon that's true, but the physiological addiction is clearly what leads to the withdrawal headache...
man am i glad that phase is over - it's tough - one of the toughest things i've ever had to do, but 2 weeks on i think it's been worth it - so i don't know in the long term whether i'll keep to just one cup of low caffeine tea (it is of course my favourite T2 Daintree tea - so not like it's a big deal to give up the full caffeinated stuff)...but we'll see
and i've gone completely gluten free - this was nowhere near as hard and with some planning can be achieved quite easily - what i will say is that 10 years ago it was not this easy - there are so many fantastic alternatives these days - don't get me wrong, as there is simply NO gluten free alternative for the tim tam that's anywhere near as good, but when you don't feel bloated after EVERY meal and lose weight without exercising, that's surely gotta be good, right??
so i think what's coming next is sugar as the naturopath thinks i had candida and giving up my tea has in fact meant also giving up on most of the added sugar i was having, so that should hopefully be slightly easier than the last few things on the 'give up' list...
sooo the new regime, the acupuncture and me starting to feel better are indeed making me realise that things are not quite as hopeless as they were when last i posted...
let's hope it continues...
sure i'm not cured! but i am feeling WAY better than i was 2 weeks ago - this might be because i no longer drink betwen 6 & 8 cups of tea per day, but am down to 1 low caffeine cup in the mornings (except today when i had one in the afternoon, but that's coz i was feeling sick with cold/headache/fever etc)...sooo the giving up caffeine has been a feat - a huge feat and early on it felt like it would NOT be possible, but i guess it is - it was really hard actually - so much so i thought the headache alone would kill me, or make me kill someone else...
i can REALLY empathise with people who suffer from an addiciton of something far more serious than caffeine - giving up is really hard...and i remember doing a paper on whether addiction was physiological or psychological, and even then i said it was probably a combination of both, well i reckon that's true, but the physiological addiction is clearly what leads to the withdrawal headache...
man am i glad that phase is over - it's tough - one of the toughest things i've ever had to do, but 2 weeks on i think it's been worth it - so i don't know in the long term whether i'll keep to just one cup of low caffeine tea (it is of course my favourite T2 Daintree tea - so not like it's a big deal to give up the full caffeinated stuff)...but we'll see
and i've gone completely gluten free - this was nowhere near as hard and with some planning can be achieved quite easily - what i will say is that 10 years ago it was not this easy - there are so many fantastic alternatives these days - don't get me wrong, as there is simply NO gluten free alternative for the tim tam that's anywhere near as good, but when you don't feel bloated after EVERY meal and lose weight without exercising, that's surely gotta be good, right??
so i think what's coming next is sugar as the naturopath thinks i had candida and giving up my tea has in fact meant also giving up on most of the added sugar i was having, so that should hopefully be slightly easier than the last few things on the 'give up' list...
sooo the new regime, the acupuncture and me starting to feel better are indeed making me realise that things are not quite as hopeless as they were when last i posted...
let's hope it continues...
Sunday, August 22, 2010
hopeless...
is a bit like how i feel right now...and not in a general way but very specifically about my health...see it seems that traditional (shall we say western) medicine has got my body into the state it's in now (that and apparently a seeming inability to deal with stress very well) and i'm starting to wonder if i am EVER going to feel better - and honestly, i have forgotten what it must be like to feel well as it has been so long since i felt well, that i just don't know what it would be like and there is a small part of me that wonders if it's possible...
and i don't like to be negative or doubting, coz i'm a pretty positive person actually, but i have my moments - guess that just makes me human...
also i had a crystal healing session today and she (Bec) did some huge work on moving energy and in particular repressed anger from my earlier years, and that might be contributing to my malaise this evening...
soooo i think i'm going to crawl into bed and try not to think about the proposal i am half way through (good job i said i would get it to her by end of monday - at least gives me tomorrow) or the keyword searches i should be doing with a view to re-writing my website...and just try and relax...
perhaps i'll do a meditation...
sadly, what i really feel like is a cup of tea...and some company...:-( neither of which are on the cards right now...
sooo from me, it's good night...xxx
and i don't like to be negative or doubting, coz i'm a pretty positive person actually, but i have my moments - guess that just makes me human...
also i had a crystal healing session today and she (Bec) did some huge work on moving energy and in particular repressed anger from my earlier years, and that might be contributing to my malaise this evening...
soooo i think i'm going to crawl into bed and try not to think about the proposal i am half way through (good job i said i would get it to her by end of monday - at least gives me tomorrow) or the keyword searches i should be doing with a view to re-writing my website...and just try and relax...
perhaps i'll do a meditation...
sadly, what i really feel like is a cup of tea...and some company...:-( neither of which are on the cards right now...
sooo from me, it's good night...xxx
Saturday, August 21, 2010
seriously, i am more interested in whether
the western bulldogs can beat the swans that whether julia gillard beats tony abbott...i often wonder about the pre-occupation with politics - bottom line for me is this - i don't care about childcare benefits (because I don't have any), i don't care about paid maternity leave (i'm unlikely to need to use this), i don't care about first home buyers benefits, coz when they first brought this in, i'd already bought my own place, sooo what i care about is this:
- the education that is afforded to all of our people;
- the health care system (and hoping that it works when we all need it); and
- the environment
other than that i couldn't give a continental - and i don't reckon there are many of them that can run a country, balance the books, make our lives economically, socially, environmentally more sound better than the others - let's just hope whoever gets in does a good job...
and go western bulldogs! and of course go hawks coz it would be hideous for a 'resting' team like freo to get up!
- the education that is afforded to all of our people;
- the health care system (and hoping that it works when we all need it); and
- the environment
other than that i couldn't give a continental - and i don't reckon there are many of them that can run a country, balance the books, make our lives economically, socially, environmentally more sound better than the others - let's just hope whoever gets in does a good job...
and go western bulldogs! and of course go hawks coz it would be hideous for a 'resting' team like freo to get up!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
i can't believe it's been 4 whole
days since i posted - so much, and yet so little, has happened in that time...
so let me see! well in that time i've had 5 cups of tea - yes 5 cups of tea in 5 days - you read it correctly - sad but true i'm afraid and as i said to my dad, it's gotta be good news either way - so at the end of 3 weeks if my stomach feels no better off the tea then i can get back on it, or if i do feel better then i know that tea is a contributor and i can make an informed decision about what to do about it...secretly i know which outcome i am hoping for!!!
so work is going well - amazingly well and in fact i think i'm going to be too busy soon - but hey, who's complaining about that - then i'll get me a virtual EA...will i? not sure i'd cope with someone else doing my diary and taking my calls - one of the things i like about being in business is that i'm my own boss and responsible for everything and giving that personal touch - on the other hand, having someone to do a lot of the stuff i simply don't want to do (invoicing, diary management, making calls, confirming appointments and room bookings, writing proposals) could be a great thing - in fact as i started to write that list i realised that perhaps it would be a good thing...
feel very very good about my decision to end 'whatever was going on with the german'...and by whatever, i mean just that - who knows what it was, but when he told me that he thought i would make a nice 'add on' i wanted to say something very rude - i did, of course, restrai myself, but seriously, who the fuck does he think he is???
anyway, where one door closes, another surely opens - i do love that saying :-)
well it's bedtime for me - my health is slightly improved - or is it? i'm not really sure but that could be coz i am in the active and by active i mean 'i want to kill myself' stages of detoxing from caffeine....
it's not all bad, but it's not great either!
nite xxx
so let me see! well in that time i've had 5 cups of tea - yes 5 cups of tea in 5 days - you read it correctly - sad but true i'm afraid and as i said to my dad, it's gotta be good news either way - so at the end of 3 weeks if my stomach feels no better off the tea then i can get back on it, or if i do feel better then i know that tea is a contributor and i can make an informed decision about what to do about it...secretly i know which outcome i am hoping for!!!
so work is going well - amazingly well and in fact i think i'm going to be too busy soon - but hey, who's complaining about that - then i'll get me a virtual EA...will i? not sure i'd cope with someone else doing my diary and taking my calls - one of the things i like about being in business is that i'm my own boss and responsible for everything and giving that personal touch - on the other hand, having someone to do a lot of the stuff i simply don't want to do (invoicing, diary management, making calls, confirming appointments and room bookings, writing proposals) could be a great thing - in fact as i started to write that list i realised that perhaps it would be a good thing...
feel very very good about my decision to end 'whatever was going on with the german'...and by whatever, i mean just that - who knows what it was, but when he told me that he thought i would make a nice 'add on' i wanted to say something very rude - i did, of course, restrai myself, but seriously, who the fuck does he think he is???
anyway, where one door closes, another surely opens - i do love that saying :-)
well it's bedtime for me - my health is slightly improved - or is it? i'm not really sure but that could be coz i am in the active and by active i mean 'i want to kill myself' stages of detoxing from caffeine....
it's not all bad, but it's not great either!
nite xxx
Sunday, August 15, 2010
friendship is give and take right? until you have to take...
and sometimes we find out that people we perhaps thought were friends (which to me implies there is give and take, forgiveness, acceptance etc) actually turn out not to be...or at least turn out not to have some of the qualities that we want in our friends...
soo for me, a key quality is forgiveness and right up there is acceptance (of course honesty goes without saying, which is why i haven't even mentioned it)...
sooo do you ever just need some time to yourself? sure, we all do - do you feel that the best way to achieve that if you've already made a commitment is to lie to the person??? well if you do, i doubt we'll be friends...for me, i like being able to be honest with my friends and hope that sometimes when i put myself first, they actually understand this...
well turns out, this isn't the case with all of my friends...see one of my friends, actually one of my oldest friends, tells me today (in a very snippy voicemail, responding to my text saying 'how are you, long time no speak, want to catch up, have a present for you from overseas' etc) that she is very annoyed with me as i have cancelled our last two get togethers and she doesn't want to deal with it now and not to contact her, and her grandmother died....
soooo quite a lot to deal with on a sunday morning when your health is as fragile as mine is...but i actually sat and thought about it and you know what? no matter how hard i try, i just don't feel guilty (why should i?) and I don't feel responsible for how 'annoyed' she obviously is with me...i feel sad that she is obviously hurting or disappointed or annoyed or all three...but i don't feel even remotely responsible or guilty....
see i have spent a lot of my life not putting myself first, and so i guess when i do, some of the people that have known me for years might find this difficult to grasp! perhaps that's all that is happening here - or maybe there's something else? who knows...
so this is a friend i've known for years, shared many life experiences with and have kept in touch with even though for much of our friendship we haven't lived in the same city...i accept her for who she is, although i have often worried about her as often when we talk i experience her as bitter and angry and really, not a happy person...she doesn't seem to want to listen to gently offered advice and honestly if i look back over the last few years, she probably does seem to 'carry around' some of the same crap she's been carrying around for years - and that's ok because it's her life and her choice - however, as her friend, i don't always have to choose to want to be in that with her...coz i'm basically a happy person - sure i've had a lot of crap to deal with in the last few years and sure i've had times of serious unhappiness in that time, but most people who know me (including me, and i know me REALLY well) know that i am happy and well adjusted, most of the times...
soooo i don't actually recall cancelling 2 things with her - i know for a fact i cancelled the last thing i had planned (a cup of tea, ironically if you read my last post) when i was staying at my parents (just the other week) and i did so because i felt so unwell - i am certain i told her that...of course i hadn't gone into any of the details of my ill health feeling that a text message wasn't really the right medium for that, so it's possible she has thought that me saying i wasn't up to it was merely a get out...but if she knew me that well, she'd know that i wouldn't do that - if i didn't feel like seeing her, i would find a gentle way to say so!!
soo imagine my surprise today when i get this voicemail - shocked is honestly how i felt! sad in a little way because this is someone i have been friends with for years....but honestly, whilst i am sad that she is hurting, and i'm very sad to hear that her grandmother died, i'm not overly sad about what might happen from here on in...
for me, if we are to continue to be friends, then i'd like to experience her as someone who is a bit more positive and whilst i know my opening comment was about acceptance - i could accept that she wasn't as positive as i might like in my friends, but i also like in my friends people who are willing to take accountability for themsleves and their lives and so maybe this is one of those seminal moments in our friendship and only time will tell where it ends up...
however, what i want to say is this: over the years i have cherished her friendship, i want only for her to be happy and find what she is looking for, and i am willing to move beyond this if she is...
soo for me, a key quality is forgiveness and right up there is acceptance (of course honesty goes without saying, which is why i haven't even mentioned it)...
sooo do you ever just need some time to yourself? sure, we all do - do you feel that the best way to achieve that if you've already made a commitment is to lie to the person??? well if you do, i doubt we'll be friends...for me, i like being able to be honest with my friends and hope that sometimes when i put myself first, they actually understand this...
well turns out, this isn't the case with all of my friends...see one of my friends, actually one of my oldest friends, tells me today (in a very snippy voicemail, responding to my text saying 'how are you, long time no speak, want to catch up, have a present for you from overseas' etc) that she is very annoyed with me as i have cancelled our last two get togethers and she doesn't want to deal with it now and not to contact her, and her grandmother died....
soooo quite a lot to deal with on a sunday morning when your health is as fragile as mine is...but i actually sat and thought about it and you know what? no matter how hard i try, i just don't feel guilty (why should i?) and I don't feel responsible for how 'annoyed' she obviously is with me...i feel sad that she is obviously hurting or disappointed or annoyed or all three...but i don't feel even remotely responsible or guilty....
see i have spent a lot of my life not putting myself first, and so i guess when i do, some of the people that have known me for years might find this difficult to grasp! perhaps that's all that is happening here - or maybe there's something else? who knows...
so this is a friend i've known for years, shared many life experiences with and have kept in touch with even though for much of our friendship we haven't lived in the same city...i accept her for who she is, although i have often worried about her as often when we talk i experience her as bitter and angry and really, not a happy person...she doesn't seem to want to listen to gently offered advice and honestly if i look back over the last few years, she probably does seem to 'carry around' some of the same crap she's been carrying around for years - and that's ok because it's her life and her choice - however, as her friend, i don't always have to choose to want to be in that with her...coz i'm basically a happy person - sure i've had a lot of crap to deal with in the last few years and sure i've had times of serious unhappiness in that time, but most people who know me (including me, and i know me REALLY well) know that i am happy and well adjusted, most of the times...
soooo i don't actually recall cancelling 2 things with her - i know for a fact i cancelled the last thing i had planned (a cup of tea, ironically if you read my last post) when i was staying at my parents (just the other week) and i did so because i felt so unwell - i am certain i told her that...of course i hadn't gone into any of the details of my ill health feeling that a text message wasn't really the right medium for that, so it's possible she has thought that me saying i wasn't up to it was merely a get out...but if she knew me that well, she'd know that i wouldn't do that - if i didn't feel like seeing her, i would find a gentle way to say so!!
soo imagine my surprise today when i get this voicemail - shocked is honestly how i felt! sad in a little way because this is someone i have been friends with for years....but honestly, whilst i am sad that she is hurting, and i'm very sad to hear that her grandmother died, i'm not overly sad about what might happen from here on in...
for me, if we are to continue to be friends, then i'd like to experience her as someone who is a bit more positive and whilst i know my opening comment was about acceptance - i could accept that she wasn't as positive as i might like in my friends, but i also like in my friends people who are willing to take accountability for themsleves and their lives and so maybe this is one of those seminal moments in our friendship and only time will tell where it ends up...
however, what i want to say is this: over the years i have cherished her friendship, i want only for her to be happy and find what she is looking for, and i am willing to move beyond this if she is...
i'm very annoyed by the last few messages
so this is how a diatribe from the german started lastnight...then he suggests it might be cultural differences and goes on with loads of other stuff, that frankly, i can't be bothered even a) thinking about or b) writing about here...
suffice it to say i think what happened is once he told me he liked me a lot, he got scared.....
for me, doesn't really matter, as i have already realised why we met, and have accepted that lesson, thank you universe, and moved on...
as you will have read earlier in the week i'd already said my auf wiedersehen....
now he needs to do the same!
suffice it to say i think what happened is once he told me he liked me a lot, he got scared.....
for me, doesn't really matter, as i have already realised why we met, and have accepted that lesson, thank you universe, and moved on...
as you will have read earlier in the week i'd already said my auf wiedersehen....
now he needs to do the same!
turning a corner...
so today i think might have been the day where i turned the corner with respect to my tea drinking, and admittedly it is only day 1, but often day 1 is the hardest...
sooo i have only had one cup of real tea all day! now for some of you, you'll be thinking, yeah whatever...no big deal...but for me, it's a HUGE deal! see tea is my favourite drink - if my new dr/naturopath had said give up coffee or alcohol, it would have been a sinch! also i don't drink either of those, so not exactly difficult to maintain...
but tea...well where do i start - my day does not start without tea - hasn't done for about 24 years or so - it's just how i start my day, and even though i have made a MONUMENTAL effort today not to drink tea at all the times i would normally drink tea, i could not (actually i probably could have, but chose not to) forego my morning cuppa...
but the other 4 or 5 i have managed to stay away from - admittedly i did try (against my better judgement and thinking it would taste like shite) rooibos tea from the health food store, and you know what: it wasn't as bad as i was expecting and it still allowed me the ritualistic pleasure of drinking something warm...
soooo i made it strong (the girl in the shop advised this), used only half hte amount of sugar i use in normal black tea and even put milk in it - it was ok - didn't really taste like i expected but it has a sweeter sort of fruityish flavour but is do-able...
the best news about that is that it is not made with the bad stuff that causes reflux, so if i have to give up real tea completely (which i doubt - she said i probably wouldn't have to, more about moderation...) then i could probably live with this as a substitute...
don't get me wrong - any day of the week i'll be preferring my english breakfast or daintree - i just will - but i think i'll get used to this and if i actually start to feel better and come off the drugs that i've been taking for 15 years because the so called 'medical experts' don't think have any serious side effects, then it's going to be great...
sooo this new regime is going to be difficult but rewarding, will hopefully mean my dependancy on reflux medication is eliminated, means i won't wake up every day feeing sick and tired and honestly, some days not wanting to even bother...possibly i'll lose some weight, and i'll know for sure what foods work in my body and which don't...
soooo i am a much happier little vegemite today and feeling a lot more positive about things than this time yesterday...
sooo i have only had one cup of real tea all day! now for some of you, you'll be thinking, yeah whatever...no big deal...but for me, it's a HUGE deal! see tea is my favourite drink - if my new dr/naturopath had said give up coffee or alcohol, it would have been a sinch! also i don't drink either of those, so not exactly difficult to maintain...
but tea...well where do i start - my day does not start without tea - hasn't done for about 24 years or so - it's just how i start my day, and even though i have made a MONUMENTAL effort today not to drink tea at all the times i would normally drink tea, i could not (actually i probably could have, but chose not to) forego my morning cuppa...
but the other 4 or 5 i have managed to stay away from - admittedly i did try (against my better judgement and thinking it would taste like shite) rooibos tea from the health food store, and you know what: it wasn't as bad as i was expecting and it still allowed me the ritualistic pleasure of drinking something warm...
soooo i made it strong (the girl in the shop advised this), used only half hte amount of sugar i use in normal black tea and even put milk in it - it was ok - didn't really taste like i expected but it has a sweeter sort of fruityish flavour but is do-able...
the best news about that is that it is not made with the bad stuff that causes reflux, so if i have to give up real tea completely (which i doubt - she said i probably wouldn't have to, more about moderation...) then i could probably live with this as a substitute...
don't get me wrong - any day of the week i'll be preferring my english breakfast or daintree - i just will - but i think i'll get used to this and if i actually start to feel better and come off the drugs that i've been taking for 15 years because the so called 'medical experts' don't think have any serious side effects, then it's going to be great...
sooo this new regime is going to be difficult but rewarding, will hopefully mean my dependancy on reflux medication is eliminated, means i won't wake up every day feeing sick and tired and honestly, some days not wanting to even bother...possibly i'll lose some weight, and i'll know for sure what foods work in my body and which don't...
soooo i am a much happier little vegemite today and feeling a lot more positive about things than this time yesterday...
Saturday, August 14, 2010
for the first time in ages i feel really really low...
and not because of my love life, but because of my health - so you will know if you've been reading that i haven't been that well and i have done my level best to cut out wheat/gluten (actually i've pretty much achieved that) in the last 10 days thinking it was a contributor - turns out it maybe, but mainly what's going on is that my liver and gall bladder aren't working, i'm not able to absorb any nutrients from food, protein is unable to be absorbed, i'm anaemic and my digestive system is basically not working anymore....:-(
turns out the scariest part of it all is that for the most part, it's due to the medication i've been taking for over 15 years which was prescribed for reflux...
soooo now i face the long battle of eliminating loads of stuff (and really other than my tea with milk and sugar, i couldn't care less) that cause reflux, so that i can eventually get off the medication, then at the same time work on doing a liver cleanse and putting stuff into my body that helps, rather than hinders it...
soooo i'm sad and feeling a bit frustrated and pissed off - not like i've ever eaten a bad diet - i try and do exercise, although given the fact that my body is absorbing no energy or reserves, no wonder i need to drag myself out of bed every single day...
what i can look forward to is i guess healthy digestive function - this is something i don't think my body has known for years, a return to normal energy levels, possibly weight loss, definitely more energy, less hormonal issues and a myriad other things which when i write them down, just makes me wonder how the hell i have lived with this crap for so long...
guess we really do get used to stuff and right now, i am no longer wanting to be used to any of the stuff i am currently experiencing...
sooooo come monday i am off all animal meats (this is not too hard, they make me feel so sick right now i actually couldn't care less), trying to reduce tea (this is the killer), no more chocolate (that'll be hard, but i reckon i can deal with that), no alcohol (what a joke - as if i need to give up something i don't even do) and nothing fatty or fried (again not a big issue)...sugar has to go....
soooo let's hope that it all starts to work coz seriously i don't want to spend another 40 odd years feeling like this - my life is simply not fun...
interestingly enough i don't have to give up dairy, which i thought for sure would be on the list....
sooo wish me luck!
turns out the scariest part of it all is that for the most part, it's due to the medication i've been taking for over 15 years which was prescribed for reflux...
soooo now i face the long battle of eliminating loads of stuff (and really other than my tea with milk and sugar, i couldn't care less) that cause reflux, so that i can eventually get off the medication, then at the same time work on doing a liver cleanse and putting stuff into my body that helps, rather than hinders it...
soooo i'm sad and feeling a bit frustrated and pissed off - not like i've ever eaten a bad diet - i try and do exercise, although given the fact that my body is absorbing no energy or reserves, no wonder i need to drag myself out of bed every single day...
what i can look forward to is i guess healthy digestive function - this is something i don't think my body has known for years, a return to normal energy levels, possibly weight loss, definitely more energy, less hormonal issues and a myriad other things which when i write them down, just makes me wonder how the hell i have lived with this crap for so long...
guess we really do get used to stuff and right now, i am no longer wanting to be used to any of the stuff i am currently experiencing...
sooooo come monday i am off all animal meats (this is not too hard, they make me feel so sick right now i actually couldn't care less), trying to reduce tea (this is the killer), no more chocolate (that'll be hard, but i reckon i can deal with that), no alcohol (what a joke - as if i need to give up something i don't even do) and nothing fatty or fried (again not a big issue)...sugar has to go....
soooo let's hope that it all starts to work coz seriously i don't want to spend another 40 odd years feeling like this - my life is simply not fun...
interestingly enough i don't have to give up dairy, which i thought for sure would be on the list....
sooo wish me luck!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
i gave myself the day off today...
sooo after a very very slow start to my day, it slowly improved, and honestly (bar the asthma attack i am currently having) it has ended fabulously....
so you saw yesterday's post, well i think (and i'm being really honest here) that a large part of my malaise today was really to do with my mental state and really the feeling of being ignored by one german....you know the one i have (in my head at least) said auf wiedersehen to....so imagine my surprise when he tells me today that 'i do not ignore you, i have other priorities' or something like that - sure, we speak a different language, but that is just rude in anybody's language...
so i woke up having had a night of tossing and turning (no thanks to the bloody birds outside my window - is it legal to shoot birds? i'm kidding obviously coz i know it's not, and even if it was, i don't have a weapon...other than my sometimes ascerbic wit!), and woke up with a cracker headache and feeling a bit sick...so the thought of a long drive didn't work for me and so instead i gave myself the day off! a mental health day, and it was a good idea actually as i would have had to work exceptionally hard to pull off my 'old new sarah' today and i figure in front of newish clients, this is not what i want them to experience...
sooo a few cups of tea and some breakfast whilst watching ncis, then a nice long walk in the sun, then some 'decluttering' in the study (it really resembles a bombsite right now, how i see fit to call it a study is frankly, a joke!) and then a session with my supervisor....it was good, she's a great lady and she really gets me - i felt a bit bad as no sooner was i through the door than i just 'dumped'...she handled it well (as usual) and I felt way better when i left...
also, a client i did some work with not so long ago wrote me a testimonial which arrived today - simply amazing - i felt really chuffed to get it as he works in the art world so imagine just how eloquently it is written :-)
sooooo as the day is almost at an end, for me anyway, and i find myself almost about to crawl into my lovely bed, i am much happier than i was this morning and am very very pleased that i saw fit to take the day off...forget the doctor, it was just what i ordered :-)
nite
xxx
so you saw yesterday's post, well i think (and i'm being really honest here) that a large part of my malaise today was really to do with my mental state and really the feeling of being ignored by one german....you know the one i have (in my head at least) said auf wiedersehen to....so imagine my surprise when he tells me today that 'i do not ignore you, i have other priorities' or something like that - sure, we speak a different language, but that is just rude in anybody's language...
so i woke up having had a night of tossing and turning (no thanks to the bloody birds outside my window - is it legal to shoot birds? i'm kidding obviously coz i know it's not, and even if it was, i don't have a weapon...other than my sometimes ascerbic wit!), and woke up with a cracker headache and feeling a bit sick...so the thought of a long drive didn't work for me and so instead i gave myself the day off! a mental health day, and it was a good idea actually as i would have had to work exceptionally hard to pull off my 'old new sarah' today and i figure in front of newish clients, this is not what i want them to experience...
sooo a few cups of tea and some breakfast whilst watching ncis, then a nice long walk in the sun, then some 'decluttering' in the study (it really resembles a bombsite right now, how i see fit to call it a study is frankly, a joke!) and then a session with my supervisor....it was good, she's a great lady and she really gets me - i felt a bit bad as no sooner was i through the door than i just 'dumped'...she handled it well (as usual) and I felt way better when i left...
also, a client i did some work with not so long ago wrote me a testimonial which arrived today - simply amazing - i felt really chuffed to get it as he works in the art world so imagine just how eloquently it is written :-)
sooooo as the day is almost at an end, for me anyway, and i find myself almost about to crawl into my lovely bed, i am much happier than i was this morning and am very very pleased that i saw fit to take the day off...forget the doctor, it was just what i ordered :-)
nite
xxx
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
auf wiedersehen
so if you've been reading the blog you will know that i met a german in paris, he was lovely (but married, with kids and living in germany...), we've been emailing, moved to live chat on skype and then i stupidly (yep stupidly and in a moment of weakness and feeling very connected to him...) gave him my blog link - so he tells me he was reading it numerous times a day, and then over the weekend in a long 'chat' where he tells me he likes me a lot, he then says having the blog is maybe not such a good idea as of course he gets to know more about me than i do about him, added to which i have previously mentioned that he seems to be quite happy to ask questions but then not answer them (i don't like this)...so he says he's not going to look at it anymore and i can trust him which of course made my best friend/sister in perth laugh her arse off - how can you trust a married man she says??? what are his intentions towards you she asks? doesn't sound like he wants to be just friends and you know what, she is RIGHT - i absolutely hadn't thought of that...
of course i had, but it didn't worry me, but you know what? the more i think about it, the more it does worry me...and i am certain that some people do meet their soul mates when the other person it still married, but that is not really how i see my 'great love' panning out...
nope! i want it to be innocent and i want him to be available, both physically, legally and universe willing, emotionally...i don't want to have to pretend that a huge part of his life doesn't exist and i do not want to come behind a family....
soooo i think that the best thing to do, for me, is to walk away from this - sure it was nice to meet someone i found attractive (mission accomplished universe, thank you :-), it was nice to feel attractive (i felt very very attractive and on many levels whilst in his company), and it was nice to know that someone else was attracted to me - of course i knew all of this in my head, but after a big breakup one needs a sign, a real live sign....and methinks that the german was that....a sign!
and as with most signs, they come with fine print, and in this particular case the fine print was not anything like 'warning axe murderer' but 'warning married to someone else, and maybe unhappily, but technically not available'....
soooo methinks the only way to do this is to say goodbye because there is no way this can end happily....
of course i had, but it didn't worry me, but you know what? the more i think about it, the more it does worry me...and i am certain that some people do meet their soul mates when the other person it still married, but that is not really how i see my 'great love' panning out...
nope! i want it to be innocent and i want him to be available, both physically, legally and universe willing, emotionally...i don't want to have to pretend that a huge part of his life doesn't exist and i do not want to come behind a family....
soooo i think that the best thing to do, for me, is to walk away from this - sure it was nice to meet someone i found attractive (mission accomplished universe, thank you :-), it was nice to feel attractive (i felt very very attractive and on many levels whilst in his company), and it was nice to know that someone else was attracted to me - of course i knew all of this in my head, but after a big breakup one needs a sign, a real live sign....and methinks that the german was that....a sign!
and as with most signs, they come with fine print, and in this particular case the fine print was not anything like 'warning axe murderer' but 'warning married to someone else, and maybe unhappily, but technically not available'....
soooo methinks the only way to do this is to say goodbye because there is no way this can end happily....
wheat free
did i mention that i have gone wheat free? not sure i did...well turns out that a big part of my stomach issues may be due to wheat....groan! sooo i've made a massive attempt, actually not an attempt, i have achieved wheat/gluten free (bar one small hiccup in town on Sunday which funnily enough left me feeling bloated and sick sundya afternoon!) for almost a week now and you know what: i actually feel a bit better...
go figure! turns out the woman at the live blood test i did last week (in preparation for an appointment with a new dr/naturo this week) told me that most likely my body couldn't digest wheat...she also thought i might have issues with protein so i've cut back on that a bit too, but i'm awaiting my Saturday appointment to see what the deal is..
of course giving stuff up is hard, but when you feel better for not eating it, it actually becomes far easier!
sooo bring on saturday...of course i am NOT giving up my tea with skim milk and one sugar - everything else is up for grabs, but not that...
wonder how that will go down???
go figure! turns out the woman at the live blood test i did last week (in preparation for an appointment with a new dr/naturo this week) told me that most likely my body couldn't digest wheat...she also thought i might have issues with protein so i've cut back on that a bit too, but i'm awaiting my Saturday appointment to see what the deal is..
of course giving stuff up is hard, but when you feel better for not eating it, it actually becomes far easier!
sooo bring on saturday...of course i am NOT giving up my tea with skim milk and one sugar - everything else is up for grabs, but not that...
wonder how that will go down???
Monday, August 9, 2010
a bit flat...
that's how i feel today....didn't sleep well, again! sooo much to think about...still feeling a bit of the sadness that was saturday night...
you know it's funny, funny that our feelings can change so dramatically from one moment/hour to the next, funny that when we are busy we just keep going through life and not paying attention to stuff, and there's a part of me that wonders if that is better (of course the therapist in me knows it's not....but when i have time on my hands and it co-incides with a flat/sad sort of a day, then i wonder if it wouldn't be nicer to be so busy i don't have time to mull things over)....
sooo today has been kinda interesting....woke up late but that's coz i didn't go to bed until nearly 2am - finally managed to get my best friend on skype (she's in perth) and we talked till nearly 1am....so by the time i finally crawled into bed, i wasn't in fact tired....
coupled with the myriad of things flying around my head - some business - some personal - i found it hard to get to sleep and when i woke just before 9am i felt exhausted...
soo i eventually dragged myself out of bed, had some tea and breakfast and then went for a beautiful walk in the sun - sunny winter days in Sydney are pretty much the perfect way to make me remember how much i love life and just how the simple things (blue sky and sunlight) and just how much some days they are enough...
so then i came home, did some work/research, spoke to a good friend who's just returned from a trip, went to the post office, did some food shopping and then came home, and you know what, now i feel sad...
funny, the times of day that i found the hardest immediately after the breakup are still the same times of day i find it hard...but of course i am often tired at these times (like first thing in the morning and as the evening progresses) and now of course i am cold too, which i have never liked...
and honestly even though a cup of tea usually helps me feel better, tonight i just wish there was someone here with me, someone to share my cup of tea with and to talk over my day....
i think we humans are made for companionship and so consequently there are times when the loneliness is palpable for me....today is one of those days.....and i haven't had the luxury of having to run around like a blue arsed fly - in fact, quite the opposite, i had a day to myself where i could do some much needed thinking about my business and where i want it to go...but all of that, coupled with the last few days, seems to have taken it's toll and i just feel sad and lonely and wondering if it will change...
i feel a bit like kathleen kelly in you've got mail - just after she's had to sell her shop and of course nothing as momentous as that has happened in my life, but that's the image that's coming into my head...actually she is sad as selling the shop makes her miss her mum and i guess i feel as though i'm missing someone too - not my mum (although it's always nice to see her and have her here) and maybe not anyone in particular, maybe it's just the idea of someone that i'm missing, but i am missing someone...
sooooo i'm going to treat myself to an evening on the couch, another cup of tea and then some of my mum's home made potato and leak soup...after that maybe i'll have some chocolate...and hopefully a good nights sleep will ensue and a better day tomorrow....
you know it's funny, funny that our feelings can change so dramatically from one moment/hour to the next, funny that when we are busy we just keep going through life and not paying attention to stuff, and there's a part of me that wonders if that is better (of course the therapist in me knows it's not....but when i have time on my hands and it co-incides with a flat/sad sort of a day, then i wonder if it wouldn't be nicer to be so busy i don't have time to mull things over)....
sooo today has been kinda interesting....woke up late but that's coz i didn't go to bed until nearly 2am - finally managed to get my best friend on skype (she's in perth) and we talked till nearly 1am....so by the time i finally crawled into bed, i wasn't in fact tired....
coupled with the myriad of things flying around my head - some business - some personal - i found it hard to get to sleep and when i woke just before 9am i felt exhausted...
soo i eventually dragged myself out of bed, had some tea and breakfast and then went for a beautiful walk in the sun - sunny winter days in Sydney are pretty much the perfect way to make me remember how much i love life and just how the simple things (blue sky and sunlight) and just how much some days they are enough...
so then i came home, did some work/research, spoke to a good friend who's just returned from a trip, went to the post office, did some food shopping and then came home, and you know what, now i feel sad...
funny, the times of day that i found the hardest immediately after the breakup are still the same times of day i find it hard...but of course i am often tired at these times (like first thing in the morning and as the evening progresses) and now of course i am cold too, which i have never liked...
and honestly even though a cup of tea usually helps me feel better, tonight i just wish there was someone here with me, someone to share my cup of tea with and to talk over my day....
i think we humans are made for companionship and so consequently there are times when the loneliness is palpable for me....today is one of those days.....and i haven't had the luxury of having to run around like a blue arsed fly - in fact, quite the opposite, i had a day to myself where i could do some much needed thinking about my business and where i want it to go...but all of that, coupled with the last few days, seems to have taken it's toll and i just feel sad and lonely and wondering if it will change...
i feel a bit like kathleen kelly in you've got mail - just after she's had to sell her shop and of course nothing as momentous as that has happened in my life, but that's the image that's coming into my head...actually she is sad as selling the shop makes her miss her mum and i guess i feel as though i'm missing someone too - not my mum (although it's always nice to see her and have her here) and maybe not anyone in particular, maybe it's just the idea of someone that i'm missing, but i am missing someone...
sooooo i'm going to treat myself to an evening on the couch, another cup of tea and then some of my mum's home made potato and leak soup...after that maybe i'll have some chocolate...and hopefully a good nights sleep will ensue and a better day tomorrow....
Sunday, August 8, 2010
i have so much going around in my head
as a result of the last three days - all the people i've met, all the information that i've received and all the ideas i now have for my business (which i can't go into here - this is, after all, my personal blog and not suitable for my client base to have access to)....
i think this is one of the reasons i haven't been sleeping so well - seems when i put my head on the pillow, instead of falling nicely into a deep sleep, the information of the last three days along with ideas for what i can do, move their way through my head making sleep difficult to achieve...
so tonight i wonder if i will find it easier knowing that i can sleep in tomorrow (yay) - no alarm clock, no meetings, no clients, nothing...
a day to myself...heaven :-)
thank you universe!
i think this is one of the reasons i haven't been sleeping so well - seems when i put my head on the pillow, instead of falling nicely into a deep sleep, the information of the last three days along with ideas for what i can do, move their way through my head making sleep difficult to achieve...
so tonight i wonder if i will find it easier knowing that i can sleep in tomorrow (yay) - no alarm clock, no meetings, no clients, nothing...
a day to myself...heaven :-)
thank you universe!
i gotta feeling
yep, i do! i am seriously addicted to the black eyed peas song 'i gotta feeling' - see i've been at a 3 day conference this weekend and music (which i love) was used very effectively to create the mood and this particular song was the song to get us back in the room...and to get the energy levels up...
and i LOVE it! so i have (now that i'm newly acquainted with youtube) been listening to it all night on youtube, and i've even downloaded onto my iphone....
sooo i gotta feeling that even though i wrote a blog that's a bit risque, and even though i think things with the german may go south from here (long story, not going to go into it tonight) that tonight's gonna be a good night!
hopefully a good nights sleep - i could seriously do with a good nights sleep - seems it's been nearly a week since i had what i consider to be a good sleep...
and i LOVE it! so i have (now that i'm newly acquainted with youtube) been listening to it all night on youtube, and i've even downloaded onto my iphone....
sooo i gotta feeling that even though i wrote a blog that's a bit risque, and even though i think things with the german may go south from here (long story, not going to go into it tonight) that tonight's gonna be a good night!
hopefully a good nights sleep - i could seriously do with a good nights sleep - seems it's been nearly a week since i had what i consider to be a good sleep...
my year without sex
got your attention now? of course, it hasn't been a year, it was the title of an aussie movie i just watched with matt day....who i love! it was good actually - pretty funny and poignant and sad...
so it got me to thinking that i hope i don't go a whole year without sex - it's been a while now, but my god, i so don't want to have to wait a whole year....i miss it and sure this is probably a bit too out there for some of my readers - and the old me might have apologised for that, but not the new me....see why is it so embarrassing or somehow frowned upon to say 'i miss sex'?
society and societal pressures are indeed a strange phenomenon....all the stuff we don't do, say, or sometimes even allow ourselves to think, all because we are so bloody worried about what somebody might say about us or think about us if we do...
kinda sad really - the human race seems to have become less comfortable with the experiences that are by their very nature, what make us human..
soooo i miss sex, i'd like to be having it, and maybe just maybe i'll go find myself a fuck buddy until my mr right comes along...
of course i have no idea how i might go about getting one, a fuck buddy that is...well the old me does, but the men i would have slept with previously are no longer the men i find attractive now (we call this growing up i think!)....so the dilemma remains - where does one look for a suitable fuck buddy? and what in fact is considered a suitable fuck buddy??
and then there is of course the obvious downside of sleeping with someone when i really want to be remaining open and available for the man of my dreams - who i know is out there....and i really do believe he's out there, and i have a sense that he's not too far away, so the question then becomes: should i hold on?
so many shoulds....and why is there a 'should' about it...i often say to people 'life is short and to be lived' and i really believe that, so in this particular case should i be 'holding on' for something, even though i really believe, i have absolutely NO idea if it's gonna happen and i certainly don't know when - coz if knew that sort of stuff i surely would have won the lotto by now...
sooo as you can see i have a dilemma...
so it got me to thinking that i hope i don't go a whole year without sex - it's been a while now, but my god, i so don't want to have to wait a whole year....i miss it and sure this is probably a bit too out there for some of my readers - and the old me might have apologised for that, but not the new me....see why is it so embarrassing or somehow frowned upon to say 'i miss sex'?
society and societal pressures are indeed a strange phenomenon....all the stuff we don't do, say, or sometimes even allow ourselves to think, all because we are so bloody worried about what somebody might say about us or think about us if we do...
kinda sad really - the human race seems to have become less comfortable with the experiences that are by their very nature, what make us human..
soooo i miss sex, i'd like to be having it, and maybe just maybe i'll go find myself a fuck buddy until my mr right comes along...
of course i have no idea how i might go about getting one, a fuck buddy that is...well the old me does, but the men i would have slept with previously are no longer the men i find attractive now (we call this growing up i think!)....so the dilemma remains - where does one look for a suitable fuck buddy? and what in fact is considered a suitable fuck buddy??
and then there is of course the obvious downside of sleeping with someone when i really want to be remaining open and available for the man of my dreams - who i know is out there....and i really do believe he's out there, and i have a sense that he's not too far away, so the question then becomes: should i hold on?
so many shoulds....and why is there a 'should' about it...i often say to people 'life is short and to be lived' and i really believe that, so in this particular case should i be 'holding on' for something, even though i really believe, i have absolutely NO idea if it's gonna happen and i certainly don't know when - coz if knew that sort of stuff i surely would have won the lotto by now...
sooo as you can see i have a dilemma...
Saturday, August 7, 2010
something ironic happened today
and you know how much i love irony - you do right?
soooo at this seminar thing i was at, which is all about online marketing, this morning's session was all about how to 'build a relationship' with your customers before you 'sell' to them - i like that - it resonates with me on many levels and for someone who does the sort of work i do it is critical that people feel they like me or can relate to me or just feel comfortable with me...so in a way, i guess i'm pretty much like that too, when i'm choosing to do 'personal development' type work with someone...
sooo yesterday morning (first day of the course) one of the tasks is to think about and then, if we'd like, to share our 'non negotiables' - meaning what are the aspects of our life/work that we won't compromise when making work based decisions (it's not a new concept and of course i have a mental list, but it was a fantastic exercise to reflect on how i make decisions in my business, especially since i turned down some work on thursday night) - so i shared mine, and i admit, they were not as eloquently summarised as i would normally be (this being because we had only 3 minutes to document them and i didn't feel the need to have them pefected, as it were)....
i was comfortable to share though and didn't really give it much more thought, other than to think what a cool exercise (and one to be sure to share wtih 2 of my colleagues/friends...neither of whom could attend)....
sooo imagine my surprise this morning, immediately following the big discussion about 'not selling before you've built rapport', when at morning tea as i'm making my tea (and in my INFJ way, thinking about something that means i am a million miles away from where I am physically standing, in my head anyway) and one of the 'support team' says to me "Hi Sarah, if you'd like any help refining (actually he didn't use the word refining, he used something else, something that to me felt disingenous and off the top of my head i can't think of it, but it will undoubtedly come back to me) your goals I'd be happy to help you"......so my initial reaction is 'sorry, i didn't catch what you said' because honestly i was a million miles away (thoughts of 'this isn't as good as yesterday', 'i'm tired'...wondering what someone was doing etc all floating around my head not expecting to be interrupted, which is actually, how i felt...).....
sooo he repeats himself and i'm so proud of myself, because as a coach (and a good one) and someone who believes that the work i do can only be successful when there is congruency and rapport and trust etc, my initial reaction (which thankfully stayed in my head and had the benefit of the inner critic before it came out ofmy mouth) was 'fuck off, did you not listen to the last 90 minutes?'.....but no, the very graceful moi said 'thank you, but i think i'm ok'....
seriously, what an idiot! so couple of things he should know - firstly, he didn't KNOW his target audience, and secondly, he didn't even bother to find out that I too am a coach (and not that this means i am above being coached by someone else - on the contrary, but perhaps it should have made him aware that perhaps as a fellow coach i might choose someone who i felt met the required criteria to coach me...)...
oh well, these little demonstrations of irony that the universe provides are gems - they really are! they serve well as reminders of what is important to me and how i want to live my life, but moreso about how i want to 'be' with others.....
soooo at this seminar thing i was at, which is all about online marketing, this morning's session was all about how to 'build a relationship' with your customers before you 'sell' to them - i like that - it resonates with me on many levels and for someone who does the sort of work i do it is critical that people feel they like me or can relate to me or just feel comfortable with me...so in a way, i guess i'm pretty much like that too, when i'm choosing to do 'personal development' type work with someone...
sooo yesterday morning (first day of the course) one of the tasks is to think about and then, if we'd like, to share our 'non negotiables' - meaning what are the aspects of our life/work that we won't compromise when making work based decisions (it's not a new concept and of course i have a mental list, but it was a fantastic exercise to reflect on how i make decisions in my business, especially since i turned down some work on thursday night) - so i shared mine, and i admit, they were not as eloquently summarised as i would normally be (this being because we had only 3 minutes to document them and i didn't feel the need to have them pefected, as it were)....
i was comfortable to share though and didn't really give it much more thought, other than to think what a cool exercise (and one to be sure to share wtih 2 of my colleagues/friends...neither of whom could attend)....
sooo imagine my surprise this morning, immediately following the big discussion about 'not selling before you've built rapport', when at morning tea as i'm making my tea (and in my INFJ way, thinking about something that means i am a million miles away from where I am physically standing, in my head anyway) and one of the 'support team' says to me "Hi Sarah, if you'd like any help refining (actually he didn't use the word refining, he used something else, something that to me felt disingenous and off the top of my head i can't think of it, but it will undoubtedly come back to me) your goals I'd be happy to help you"......so my initial reaction is 'sorry, i didn't catch what you said' because honestly i was a million miles away (thoughts of 'this isn't as good as yesterday', 'i'm tired'...wondering what someone was doing etc all floating around my head not expecting to be interrupted, which is actually, how i felt...).....
sooo he repeats himself and i'm so proud of myself, because as a coach (and a good one) and someone who believes that the work i do can only be successful when there is congruency and rapport and trust etc, my initial reaction (which thankfully stayed in my head and had the benefit of the inner critic before it came out ofmy mouth) was 'fuck off, did you not listen to the last 90 minutes?'.....but no, the very graceful moi said 'thank you, but i think i'm ok'....
seriously, what an idiot! so couple of things he should know - firstly, he didn't KNOW his target audience, and secondly, he didn't even bother to find out that I too am a coach (and not that this means i am above being coached by someone else - on the contrary, but perhaps it should have made him aware that perhaps as a fellow coach i might choose someone who i felt met the required criteria to coach me...)...
oh well, these little demonstrations of irony that the universe provides are gems - they really are! they serve well as reminders of what is important to me and how i want to live my life, but moreso about how i want to 'be' with others.....
mmmm i did something yesterday
that in hindsight i think may not have been a wise idea...
see some of the reasons i blog are this:
anyway, i digress - so earlier this week, on a whim, perhaps in a moment of i don't know, sheer insanity, i did something that now i am not sure was a great idea...
i am not going to be more specific than that and i am not going to feel the need to sensor what i write because of it, but you know sometimes it would really SERVE me well not to be so impulsive!
on a more positive note, the mean reds of earlier this evening have passed - my parents called to cheer me up, i watched one of my fave tv shows, i started creating a facebook page (for my business - don't get excited those of you who are reading this and think i've finally gotten with the program), and i have started reading about google adwords - man have i got a lot to do to get people to my website...
soooo i'm shortly going to crawl into bed, sadly tomorrow will not provide a much needed sleep in as i have to get up for the 3rd day of my course, which i'm hoping will be better than today, and perhaps just a little bit less overwhelming!
soooo goodnight and wishing you all a lovely sunday xxxx
see some of the reasons i blog are this:
- it's quicker than hand writing a journal/diary
- there's a permanent (i hope!) record online of what i wrote with date/time information
- it's anonymous (except for those trusted few who have the details)
- i tend not to sensor what i have to say as i cannot be identified from the blog
- i find it hugely cathartic...
- it helps me remember what was going on in my life when 'reflection' is the order of the day
- i love writing so on a regular basis it allows me to flex that muscle which i find myself wishing i could find time to use a LOT more
anyway, i digress - so earlier this week, on a whim, perhaps in a moment of i don't know, sheer insanity, i did something that now i am not sure was a great idea...
i am not going to be more specific than that and i am not going to feel the need to sensor what i write because of it, but you know sometimes it would really SERVE me well not to be so impulsive!
on a more positive note, the mean reds of earlier this evening have passed - my parents called to cheer me up, i watched one of my fave tv shows, i started creating a facebook page (for my business - don't get excited those of you who are reading this and think i've finally gotten with the program), and i have started reading about google adwords - man have i got a lot to do to get people to my website...
soooo i'm shortly going to crawl into bed, sadly tomorrow will not provide a much needed sleep in as i have to get up for the 3rd day of my course, which i'm hoping will be better than today, and perhaps just a little bit less overwhelming!
soooo goodnight and wishing you all a lovely sunday xxxx
sometimes i'm surprised by how quickly i can go from
being happy to being sad....so today has been an interesting day and by that i mean that following all the great information of yesterday i found it very difficult to sleep with so much going on in my head...so consequently, did not sleep well meaning that i woke up exhausted, but excited...then got into town and found that the 2nd day of the conference was not as good as the first (possibly because it was more focussed on 'doing' stuff and less on 'being'...I always find this difficult and less interesting), added to that it was FREEZING in the room and so by 3pm i was feeling so cold and tired that i actually decided to come home...added to which i'm a strong introvert (on the mbti...) and after nearly 2 full days with a room of 80 people i crave some me time...
so i came home, via the shop where my kitchen handles will come from (although it wasn't open), had a cuppa, some more gluten free banana bread (it's yummy) and then got straight onto the net to look up paul potts (some welsh singer who was on britains got talent - a bit like susan doyle i think...lovely voice) - he sang one of my favourite songs and it made me cry, which made me think of ben and consequently i have just had a good old sob....
sometimes it just surprises me that one's mood can change so dramatically and with nothing of note really to make it do so....guess it's just part of the human condition!
soooo no doubt i'll be ok, i always am right?
so i came home, via the shop where my kitchen handles will come from (although it wasn't open), had a cuppa, some more gluten free banana bread (it's yummy) and then got straight onto the net to look up paul potts (some welsh singer who was on britains got talent - a bit like susan doyle i think...lovely voice) - he sang one of my favourite songs and it made me cry, which made me think of ben and consequently i have just had a good old sob....
sometimes it just surprises me that one's mood can change so dramatically and with nothing of note really to make it do so....guess it's just part of the human condition!
soooo no doubt i'll be ok, i always am right?
Friday, August 6, 2010
a nice end to my week...
so imagine my surprise when i leave the first day of my seminar (which has been WAY better than i expected) and find a voicemail on my phone from a potential client...met with him a couple of weeks ago - after an informal meeting he asked me to send him a proposal - did that, didn't hear anything back and started to think that maybe he'd gone cold on the idea....
well no! turns out he'd been travelling and wanted his team to provide some feedback on my proposal and he said yes! i'm absolutely thrilled - and i am thrilled about all the work i get to do, but this is kinda different! different in that it's a good piece of work (all my work is really, coz i don't say yes unless i want to do it), he's a nice guy who's in a senior role in a big industry and is well regarded, and the money is great....oh and the best part is that this work didn't come through a broker - i did it all by my very own self (to quote my little niece)!!!
well pleased with self so decided to celebrate and have ordered an upgrade from the Foxtel IQ box to Foxtel IQ2 box which means I get the HD channels in HD, and instead of being able to record just one show and watch another one simultaneously, i can record 2 shows and watch another, and i can store about twice as much recorded stuff on it....
soooo even though today was tinged by a wee bit of sadness, the day was good and my week ended well....
it's all starting to come together :-)
well no! turns out he'd been travelling and wanted his team to provide some feedback on my proposal and he said yes! i'm absolutely thrilled - and i am thrilled about all the work i get to do, but this is kinda different! different in that it's a good piece of work (all my work is really, coz i don't say yes unless i want to do it), he's a nice guy who's in a senior role in a big industry and is well regarded, and the money is great....oh and the best part is that this work didn't come through a broker - i did it all by my very own self (to quote my little niece)!!!
well pleased with self so decided to celebrate and have ordered an upgrade from the Foxtel IQ box to Foxtel IQ2 box which means I get the HD channels in HD, and instead of being able to record just one show and watch another one simultaneously, i can record 2 shows and watch another, and i can store about twice as much recorded stuff on it....
soooo even though today was tinged by a wee bit of sadness, the day was good and my week ended well....
it's all starting to come together :-)
the blues are back in town...
and seriously, i don't want to be getting ahead of myself coz they have had a CRAP few weeks, but they absolutely BELTED arch enemies the bombers (yuk, we know how much i hate them) tonight by a small margin of 76 points! bloody fabulous...
from thet get go they looked serious, the game had some feeling, at half time it erupted into a big melee, and half way through the 3rd qtr the bombers got back to within 11 points....from then on though they never looked likely - Carlton having a 10 goal final quarter with Jeff kicking 6 (his first time ever)....
all good! sooo let's hope they remember how good it feels to win and remember just how good they are when they play like this, and the road to September just might be a bit less bumpy....
da da da da da!
from thet get go they looked serious, the game had some feeling, at half time it erupted into a big melee, and half way through the 3rd qtr the bombers got back to within 11 points....from then on though they never looked likely - Carlton having a 10 goal final quarter with Jeff kicking 6 (his first time ever)....
all good! sooo let's hope they remember how good it feels to win and remember just how good they are when they play like this, and the road to September just might be a bit less bumpy....
da da da da da!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
so tomorrow is ben's birthday
and no matter how much i blog about how happy i am and the other things in my life (and there are many) as i sit here and look through the blog history, i can't help but feel sad....perhaps i'm not sad now that things with him are over, but sad that it was so painful and that it hurt me so much....not entirely sure...
what i do know is that as I type this and think about him and what he may or may not do on his birthday tomorrow (he never did give a crap about birthdays) a number of tears have made their way from my eyes to the keyboard...not a waterfall, just one or two, but tears no less...
so as with all losses, there are the inevitable key dates that are likely to be difficult - the dates that when you were with that person, meant something and were celebrated...so for us those dates were 10th jan (my birthday), 2nd march (the day we first met), 9th march (our anniversary), 6th august (his birthday), and of cousre the big one 26th january (the day it all ended)....i guess each time one of those dates rolls around it's not going to be easy, especially for the first one....
sooo we are slowly moving through the dates - first it was valentines day (which in fact was not that important to either of us), then 2nd march, then 9th march....now august 6th, next will be christmas, then my birthday and then the one year point of the demise...
sooo perhaps rather than beat myself up about feeling sad i should just go with it - certainly with clients i wouldn't be encouraging them to do anything other than 'go gently' on such days....
sometimes i really should listen to the counsellor in me!
ps happy birthday benj...i know you don't care, but i hope you have a lovely day and a great year ahead...
what i do know is that as I type this and think about him and what he may or may not do on his birthday tomorrow (he never did give a crap about birthdays) a number of tears have made their way from my eyes to the keyboard...not a waterfall, just one or two, but tears no less...
so as with all losses, there are the inevitable key dates that are likely to be difficult - the dates that when you were with that person, meant something and were celebrated...so for us those dates were 10th jan (my birthday), 2nd march (the day we first met), 9th march (our anniversary), 6th august (his birthday), and of cousre the big one 26th january (the day it all ended)....i guess each time one of those dates rolls around it's not going to be easy, especially for the first one....
sooo we are slowly moving through the dates - first it was valentines day (which in fact was not that important to either of us), then 2nd march, then 9th march....now august 6th, next will be christmas, then my birthday and then the one year point of the demise...
sooo perhaps rather than beat myself up about feeling sad i should just go with it - certainly with clients i wouldn't be encouraging them to do anything other than 'go gently' on such days....
sometimes i really should listen to the counsellor in me!
ps happy birthday benj...i know you don't care, but i hope you have a lovely day and a great year ahead...
so turns out that i was not imagining
what is going on in my body...those of you who read often enough will know that over the last 18 months or so i have really battled with the odd bout of ill health and usually it centres around my stomach and/or digestive system...
so after many many sleepless nights, more drugs than i care to mention and me seriously starting to wonder if i was in fact going insane, someone i met last week told me i should go see this doctor - she's a doctor and a naturopath - rare combo and she uses a blood screening company to diagnose specifically what is (or is not) working in the body...
so this morning was my live blood analysis - pretty cool process if you don't mind having your little fingers priced, blood smeared onto small glass plates and put under a microscope - all whilst you are sitting there! i didn't...
but basically the woman doing this says to me almost immediately she lays eyes on my blood "no wonder you feel like crap - how long have you been living like this?"...
thank you universe - and not thank you that i'm not well, but thank you for having someone validate that in fac there is something wrong with me and my problems are not in my head or stress related or some other psychosomatic illness...
see for a while i actually thought perhaps i was losing my mind! of course there is still that possibility as i'm sure all of my friends will vouch for, but at least as it relates to my stomach concerns, they are real and not imagined....and of course, this woman (who does the blood tests) thinks the Dr i am going to see is fantastic...
soooo let's hope that today was the first step in getting better! actually i am feeling a wee bit better today -couple of days on from giving up wheat (although turns out spelt is NOT good for me even though one naturopath told me it was ok...shame on her) and trying to eat healthily and of course, walk most days...
soooo i have my fingers crossed that in a couple of weeks things will start to look way up on the health front...
so after many many sleepless nights, more drugs than i care to mention and me seriously starting to wonder if i was in fact going insane, someone i met last week told me i should go see this doctor - she's a doctor and a naturopath - rare combo and she uses a blood screening company to diagnose specifically what is (or is not) working in the body...
so this morning was my live blood analysis - pretty cool process if you don't mind having your little fingers priced, blood smeared onto small glass plates and put under a microscope - all whilst you are sitting there! i didn't...
but basically the woman doing this says to me almost immediately she lays eyes on my blood "no wonder you feel like crap - how long have you been living like this?"...
thank you universe - and not thank you that i'm not well, but thank you for having someone validate that in fac there is something wrong with me and my problems are not in my head or stress related or some other psychosomatic illness...
see for a while i actually thought perhaps i was losing my mind! of course there is still that possibility as i'm sure all of my friends will vouch for, but at least as it relates to my stomach concerns, they are real and not imagined....and of course, this woman (who does the blood tests) thinks the Dr i am going to see is fantastic...
soooo let's hope that today was the first step in getting better! actually i am feeling a wee bit better today -couple of days on from giving up wheat (although turns out spelt is NOT good for me even though one naturopath told me it was ok...shame on her) and trying to eat healthily and of course, walk most days...
soooo i have my fingers crossed that in a couple of weeks things will start to look way up on the health front...
danger will robinson...
that's the thought that is currently buzzing around my head...
so you see the german and i are now having conversations on skype and it's now VERY clear that he is attracted to me - likewise, i am to him...
of course he is married and lives in germany so the chances of any imminent 'danger will robinson' aren't really a reality, but of course in a flippant statement i suggest he meets me in Hong Kong next month....
he replies honestly that he can't, but then says he has to get back to work so he can earn some money to turn my thought into reality....
mmmmm, so like i said 'danger will robinson'...
funny thing is, i like him.....a LOT, so if he actually gets enough money saved then i will be flying to Hong Kong to meet up with him...besides, my shoe tailor is in Hong Kong so I would have a valid reason for going right???
so the question is this: if he actually does find a way to make it a reality, will i chicken out?
so you see the german and i are now having conversations on skype and it's now VERY clear that he is attracted to me - likewise, i am to him...
of course he is married and lives in germany so the chances of any imminent 'danger will robinson' aren't really a reality, but of course in a flippant statement i suggest he meets me in Hong Kong next month....
he replies honestly that he can't, but then says he has to get back to work so he can earn some money to turn my thought into reality....
mmmmm, so like i said 'danger will robinson'...
funny thing is, i like him.....a LOT, so if he actually gets enough money saved then i will be flying to Hong Kong to meet up with him...besides, my shoe tailor is in Hong Kong so I would have a valid reason for going right???
so the question is this: if he actually does find a way to make it a reality, will i chicken out?
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
should i or shouldn't i?
big question....soooo before i started my business i had a name in mind, and everybody talked me out of it - too girly, not corporate enough, what the hell does it mean were the sort of comments i go, but you know what? i can't let it go and i really like it and given the work i want to be doing with people, it actually resonates with me....
soooo methinks in the next little while i'm going to do it - make a change....
thoughts?
soooo methinks in the next little while i'm going to do it - make a change....
thoughts?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
i'm sad....
having a kind of mean reds afternoon and i'm not entirely sure what has brought it on.....so bear with me as i go through some of the things that have happened since i last posted and perhaps i'll be able to tap into it:
so i'm gonna do what i do when i'm sad....stay with it rather than denying that's how i'm feeling, try and think of the good things in my life and the things i am grateful for, and curl up on the couch and watch something i can escape into....
these are the times when having a partner (a good partner, a partner who cares, a partner who understands when all you need is a hug - no words, no solutions, no 'what's wrong with you'?) would be nice....
soooo bring on tomorrow - coz tomorrow is a NEW day and things always do get better :-)
- my stomach is not good....struggling with that and looking forward (how sad is that) to having my live blood test done this week and then seeing a new Dr who's also a naturopath next Saturday (and this isn't because i don't like my current GP, just that this Dr comes highly recommended)
- time of the month stuff currently so that will no doubt be contributing to both my mental and physical state
- i heard that a friend got engaged today, and don't get me wrong as I am incredibly HAPPY for her and she deserves this, but it serves as a reminder that i am, in fact, single...which on the weekend didn't feel like a problem, and it's really not, but in my current state of physical and emotional being, i guess i am vulnerable to the odd human emotion (kidding - i have a stack of human emotions all of the time...they are just heightened now and perhaps a little irrational!)
- i had some contact with Ben in the last 24 hours (I initiated) and i asked him what he had planned for Friday (it's his birthday Friday) and he said nothing, why? and when i reminded him it was his birthday he said 'oh really, another year down the drain'....guess that makes me sad on so many levels! firstly, his complete and utter disregard for birthday's - i found this hard when we were together as i so love birthdays....it reminded me of how awful my last birthday was, it reminded me that for the last 2 of his birthdays we have gone to balmoral for fish and chips and this year we won't be...it also reminded me that he has such a negative outlook on life and whilst i know that has nothing to do with me and i was not responsible for changing that, it saddens me to know that people (and him in this particular case) just have no energy for live....
so i'm gonna do what i do when i'm sad....stay with it rather than denying that's how i'm feeling, try and think of the good things in my life and the things i am grateful for, and curl up on the couch and watch something i can escape into....
these are the times when having a partner (a good partner, a partner who cares, a partner who understands when all you need is a hug - no words, no solutions, no 'what's wrong with you'?) would be nice....
soooo bring on tomorrow - coz tomorrow is a NEW day and things always do get better :-)
Monday, August 2, 2010
so it's gone quiet on the western front
and by western i mean german specifically...and of course there will be a logical explanation such as he's just gotten back from a holiday and now is jetting off to paris for work (tough life some people have) and it occurs to me that when i reflect back over his emails (most of which are lovely, as i've mentioned), in fact they are kind of one sided and don't give much away....
sooooo methinks i might just cool it with the emailing him anything until he actually does answer one or two of my questions - sure the emails are nice, they are sweet, they are touching, but when i ask him to reveal more of himself (and i'm not talking anything deep or overly intrusive or intimate) either he just doesn't remember to answer it or he is being evasive...
guess only time will tell!
sooooo methinks i might just cool it with the emailing him anything until he actually does answer one or two of my questions - sure the emails are nice, they are sweet, they are touching, but when i ask him to reveal more of himself (and i'm not talking anything deep or overly intrusive or intimate) either he just doesn't remember to answer it or he is being evasive...
guess only time will tell!
gratitude is under rated...
really it is! so i've blogged about gratitude before and honestly, i find it an enormously useful approach to life, not only with clients, but also for myself..
see when things aren't great or i'm having a bad day or i feel sad, or anything really that feels other than how i'd like it to be, i try and remember all the great things in my life and all the reasons i have to be grateful - and there are MANY! and i'm not saying that things can't always improve, coz they can right? but it's important (for me anyway) to be able to look around me and realise just how fortunate I am and to express gratitude for that...
i have also found that there seems to be a direct correlation between gratitude and decreased whinging or wishing things were different - meaning that the more one takes stock and appreciates what one has, the less one wants more...my grandfather would totally have understood this - one of his many traits was his ability to be thankful for what he had...
so the reason this gets a special mention tonight is really twofold....firstly, i am really struggling with my health right now (digestion, stomach issues etc) and yet other than one day last week where i felt a wee bit flat (my best friend noted this immediately upon me calling her) i am still happy, i can still find many reasons to smile, i can still find time to do things for other people and i am still trying to live my life the way i want to...in times gone by i might not have done this, and don't get me wrong, i am struggling - i am taking all manner of medications right now (until i see my new doctor/naturo next week) to try and get through the day, but through all of that, i am still managing to be (outwardly at least) my bubbly and caring self...
so imagine my surprise when i'm talking to my neice and nephew tonight and at the end of the call my brother in law gets on the phone (my neice handed him the phone so i doubt it was voluntary!) and when i ask him how he is in the lead up to his 40th (end of this month) he tells me that he's not having a crisis so much as wondering what to do and what choices he have and then (in what i think may be a backhanded comment at me, or perhaps it was simply him expressing his observation of his situation...not sure!) he says 'well i'm not like some people who have heaps of money and choices'.....and i get to thinking well he's the ONLY person who is responsible for that situation, but of course is unlikely to do anything about it but whinge, and worse (and i have no evidence of this exactly but it's my feeing, and if his wife, my sister, is anything to go by then i may be onto something) begrudge others for the situation they may have created for themselves...
weird - i literally hung up the phone shaking my head...
soooo perhaps i should get him for his birthday a book about gratitude....what do you think? had been struggling for ideas - maybe it will help him look at his life/situation differently (which to me, is a gift....)...
see when things aren't great or i'm having a bad day or i feel sad, or anything really that feels other than how i'd like it to be, i try and remember all the great things in my life and all the reasons i have to be grateful - and there are MANY! and i'm not saying that things can't always improve, coz they can right? but it's important (for me anyway) to be able to look around me and realise just how fortunate I am and to express gratitude for that...
i have also found that there seems to be a direct correlation between gratitude and decreased whinging or wishing things were different - meaning that the more one takes stock and appreciates what one has, the less one wants more...my grandfather would totally have understood this - one of his many traits was his ability to be thankful for what he had...
so the reason this gets a special mention tonight is really twofold....firstly, i am really struggling with my health right now (digestion, stomach issues etc) and yet other than one day last week where i felt a wee bit flat (my best friend noted this immediately upon me calling her) i am still happy, i can still find many reasons to smile, i can still find time to do things for other people and i am still trying to live my life the way i want to...in times gone by i might not have done this, and don't get me wrong, i am struggling - i am taking all manner of medications right now (until i see my new doctor/naturo next week) to try and get through the day, but through all of that, i am still managing to be (outwardly at least) my bubbly and caring self...
so imagine my surprise when i'm talking to my neice and nephew tonight and at the end of the call my brother in law gets on the phone (my neice handed him the phone so i doubt it was voluntary!) and when i ask him how he is in the lead up to his 40th (end of this month) he tells me that he's not having a crisis so much as wondering what to do and what choices he have and then (in what i think may be a backhanded comment at me, or perhaps it was simply him expressing his observation of his situation...not sure!) he says 'well i'm not like some people who have heaps of money and choices'.....and i get to thinking well he's the ONLY person who is responsible for that situation, but of course is unlikely to do anything about it but whinge, and worse (and i have no evidence of this exactly but it's my feeing, and if his wife, my sister, is anything to go by then i may be onto something) begrudge others for the situation they may have created for themselves...
weird - i literally hung up the phone shaking my head...
soooo perhaps i should get him for his birthday a book about gratitude....what do you think? had been struggling for ideas - maybe it will help him look at his life/situation differently (which to me, is a gift....)...
had a great start to my week...
sooo you will know that i often 'talk to the universe' if you have been reading my blog...if you haven't, well i do - i thank it, i ask it for guidance, and sometimes i just share with it how i am feeling...yep, i'm kinda mad!
so this morning as i was getting ready for work (yes work, feels weird to say that, but i am currently doing some consulting work for a small company, and loving it!) i was asking the universe to provide me with some good news about a meeting i had friday...
so imagine my surprise when just as i turn off the highway and into the street where i am working right now, i see an email pop into my inbox...and it's the girl i met friday and she wants me to do some work with her! very exciting...
sooo i can't talk too openly about it here coz i like to keep my work quite separate from this blog (for obvious reasons if you know what i do) but suffice it to say i'm chuffed! i had a really good feeling about my meeting with her on friday and so whilst not surprised to see her email, was still thrilled! see this represents the first of my official corporate work in this area so i'm pretty pleased....and hope it will be the start of plenty more to come...
sooo universe if you are listening, which i'm sure you are, thank you :-)
so this morning as i was getting ready for work (yes work, feels weird to say that, but i am currently doing some consulting work for a small company, and loving it!) i was asking the universe to provide me with some good news about a meeting i had friday...
so imagine my surprise when just as i turn off the highway and into the street where i am working right now, i see an email pop into my inbox...and it's the girl i met friday and she wants me to do some work with her! very exciting...
sooo i can't talk too openly about it here coz i like to keep my work quite separate from this blog (for obvious reasons if you know what i do) but suffice it to say i'm chuffed! i had a really good feeling about my meeting with her on friday and so whilst not surprised to see her email, was still thrilled! see this represents the first of my official corporate work in this area so i'm pretty pleased....and hope it will be the start of plenty more to come...
sooo universe if you are listening, which i'm sure you are, thank you :-)
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