but i managed to salvage an ok day...had a good business lunch with a former colleague who i'm hoping to partner with to do some work, then walked to paddington in the rain! had a wander along oxford street and i noticed just how many amazingly lovely and unique shops there are along there - mental note to self: get over there to have a look! then had my hair done - much happier with it this time, and then came home...
sadly the bulldogs got beaten by parramatta, and now i'm thinking it might be time to go to bed and read...
so i guess in time, the anger, like the sadness and the hurt, will diminish...and even though my buddhist teacher would say that anger harms us (as well as others, and he's right of course) i am still angry...
perhaps before i crawl into bed i'll do a meditation - maybe that way i won't go to bed angry...
nite xx
Friday, April 30, 2010
pissed off or sad....
not really sure if one is more appropriate than the other description...
so lastnight i texted ben to see if he had received a book that i posted him - in typical fashion it wouldn't have occurred to him to acknowledge that i'd sent it...he said he had, so i then asked if his sister had given birth to their 2nd baby which i knew was due this week and he responds with 'yeah she had it' - seriously, no details, no she's ok etc etc
i was so mad! guess the reality is for a lot of our relationship i was mad for pretty much the same thing - his seeming disregard for others...the thing that pisses me off is that i am now simply one more of those people he disregards - for a while he pretended to regard me, but at times i even sensed that was a bloody big effort for him
how sad to be so wrapped in yourself that you can't or don't want to let others into your world..
so i'm pissed off at him, i'm pissed off at me that i put up with it so long because i thought me loving him would conquer it (deluded or what?) and i'm sad that i put myself and my happiness in the background for too bloody long :-(
it's funny how after a few months, the day to day routines of your life with someone do become less vivid memories, and things do hurt less, but what happens then (at least to me) is that i am now starting to really see things, and ben, for what they were and for what he was, and you know, even right at the start i had a sense of some of these things but i overlooked them!!!
so in my way, i guess i am responsible for what happened - and that's true to a degree - but he could have had the spine or even care for me to pull the pin when he realised that being in a relationship is just not him...
so sure he told me that he loved me in his way, but in no way did he love me in the way i wanted to be loved, and sadly, until i broke up with him, i didn't love me enough to stand up for what i want and believe in...
sooo pissed off or sad - both really!
so lastnight i texted ben to see if he had received a book that i posted him - in typical fashion it wouldn't have occurred to him to acknowledge that i'd sent it...he said he had, so i then asked if his sister had given birth to their 2nd baby which i knew was due this week and he responds with 'yeah she had it' - seriously, no details, no she's ok etc etc
i was so mad! guess the reality is for a lot of our relationship i was mad for pretty much the same thing - his seeming disregard for others...the thing that pisses me off is that i am now simply one more of those people he disregards - for a while he pretended to regard me, but at times i even sensed that was a bloody big effort for him
how sad to be so wrapped in yourself that you can't or don't want to let others into your world..
so i'm pissed off at him, i'm pissed off at me that i put up with it so long because i thought me loving him would conquer it (deluded or what?) and i'm sad that i put myself and my happiness in the background for too bloody long :-(
it's funny how after a few months, the day to day routines of your life with someone do become less vivid memories, and things do hurt less, but what happens then (at least to me) is that i am now starting to really see things, and ben, for what they were and for what he was, and you know, even right at the start i had a sense of some of these things but i overlooked them!!!
so in my way, i guess i am responsible for what happened - and that's true to a degree - but he could have had the spine or even care for me to pull the pin when he realised that being in a relationship is just not him...
so sure he told me that he loved me in his way, but in no way did he love me in the way i wanted to be loved, and sadly, until i broke up with him, i didn't love me enough to stand up for what i want and believe in...
sooo pissed off or sad - both really!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
what a beautiful day it is today...
and so much more so for me having had a good nights sleep - sleep deprivation really isn't good for one's peace of mind - of course i know this already, but i felt so crappy and listless yesterday and today after a good 9 hour sleep, i feel good! even woke up happy and feeling refreshed...
and i've made time to do a walk on both of the last 2 days, which is good - i really do want to re-establish some sort of exercise routine - it's gonna be pretty hard to shed a few kgs if i don't...and really it's been more of an emotional battle...i'm starting to remember what life without ben was like and whilst that is sad, it's also becoming more familiar and i am trying to just enjoy everything that life offers up right now
and the sun is out and it's a lovely day - autumn in sydney is just beautiful - i found myself walking on the leaves so i could hear them crackle...i felt a childish enjoyment in doing so and it brought a smile to my face...
it's so lovely when the small things can still touch us...
and on another note (i.e. yesterday's post) i can say that i am going to go through with it and see where it takes me...like last wednesday's 'social experiment' i'm gonna look at it as gathering more evidence to make an informed decision!
and i've made time to do a walk on both of the last 2 days, which is good - i really do want to re-establish some sort of exercise routine - it's gonna be pretty hard to shed a few kgs if i don't...and really it's been more of an emotional battle...i'm starting to remember what life without ben was like and whilst that is sad, it's also becoming more familiar and i am trying to just enjoy everything that life offers up right now
and the sun is out and it's a lovely day - autumn in sydney is just beautiful - i found myself walking on the leaves so i could hear them crackle...i felt a childish enjoyment in doing so and it brought a smile to my face...
it's so lovely when the small things can still touch us...
and on another note (i.e. yesterday's post) i can say that i am going to go through with it and see where it takes me...like last wednesday's 'social experiment' i'm gonna look at it as gathering more evidence to make an informed decision!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
mmmm i have a dilemma
coming - and i can't really write about it entirely openly, and that is for 2 reasons, one that is deeply personal and honestly i feel bad about it, and the other, well, i just can't...
so i found something out today about someone and it has made me wonder if i should go thru with things....
yeah this is cryptic, and i'm sorry about that...i'm wondering what it says about me and i'm also wondering if had a client who had this issue, what i would say to them...
and probably what i would say to them is that 'you like what you like' and you don't have to judge yourself for that!!!
soooo i'm gonna think on it and see if perhaps i can 'go with it' for a while and make an informed decision based on real information, or should i just write it off.....
so i found something out today about someone and it has made me wonder if i should go thru with things....
yeah this is cryptic, and i'm sorry about that...i'm wondering what it says about me and i'm also wondering if had a client who had this issue, what i would say to them...
and probably what i would say to them is that 'you like what you like' and you don't have to judge yourself for that!!!
soooo i'm gonna think on it and see if perhaps i can 'go with it' for a while and make an informed decision based on real information, or should i just write it off.....
it can't be a good sign
for the day ahead when you get a rejection before 9.40am....
so i'm actually pretty disappointed! someone i have known for years and who i catch up with occasionally and who i respect professionally, suggested that he'd pay me to prepare a business case for his business to offer a slightly new offering...and having now waited 2 weeks to get confirmation from him, he has told me (actually had his secretary tell me) that they don't have any budget for research between now and the end of June...
do you think he should have mentioned this when he was excited about his idea and said 'i'll pay you' for this!!!
anyway, i'm going to have to not take it personally and realise that it's probably a business reason and nothing else, and perhaps that even in July, that he will actually have some budget...
but of course there is the nagging doubt that it has something to do with me and his perception of my capability....not so easy to shake...
one of the most difficult things about running your own business is the disappointment that comes with being in business - but it's hard not to take it personally - perhaps some meditation, perhaps a walk in the sun will help to clear my head and get me back into a more positive frame of mind...
and i had such a nice evening too...spent over 3 hours talking to a guy i met last week...
so i'm actually pretty disappointed! someone i have known for years and who i catch up with occasionally and who i respect professionally, suggested that he'd pay me to prepare a business case for his business to offer a slightly new offering...and having now waited 2 weeks to get confirmation from him, he has told me (actually had his secretary tell me) that they don't have any budget for research between now and the end of June...
do you think he should have mentioned this when he was excited about his idea and said 'i'll pay you' for this!!!
anyway, i'm going to have to not take it personally and realise that it's probably a business reason and nothing else, and perhaps that even in July, that he will actually have some budget...
but of course there is the nagging doubt that it has something to do with me and his perception of my capability....not so easy to shake...
one of the most difficult things about running your own business is the disappointment that comes with being in business - but it's hard not to take it personally - perhaps some meditation, perhaps a walk in the sun will help to clear my head and get me back into a more positive frame of mind...
and i had such a nice evening too...spent over 3 hours talking to a guy i met last week...
Monday, April 26, 2010
so the day has ended way better than it started...
and i am noticing this more and more! seems often the mornings are the hardest for me - sometimes i've had a dream, or i wake up with a sense of feeling very lonely, but once i get going, things do seem to improve...
they improve markedly when the Blues belt the Cats (reigning premiers no less) and then after 2 hours of meditation - i really am enjoying meditation - i am learning a lot, i think i am getting a wee bit better at quietening my mind, and i like the people there, especially the teacher wayne, who tonight told us after next week he won't be holding the monday night class anymore coz he's going to be holding a class in Canberra...which is actually kinda sad in that i love his way of teaching - on the other hand, means we get to have Diana, who's a fantastic teacher also...and of course it's a great opportunity for Wayne...
so Blue Baggers were good and they actually led at every break - this is rare!
and meditation was great...i have noticed that the more i do meditation, the less angry i become, the less stressed i get and the less things that used to bother me a lot bother me - there really is something in it!
sooo i'm now going to crawl into bed with my book - am now onto the 2nd installment of the Milennium series and I'm loving it!
nite xx
they improve markedly when the Blues belt the Cats (reigning premiers no less) and then after 2 hours of meditation - i really am enjoying meditation - i am learning a lot, i think i am getting a wee bit better at quietening my mind, and i like the people there, especially the teacher wayne, who tonight told us after next week he won't be holding the monday night class anymore coz he's going to be holding a class in Canberra...which is actually kinda sad in that i love his way of teaching - on the other hand, means we get to have Diana, who's a fantastic teacher also...and of course it's a great opportunity for Wayne...
so Blue Baggers were good and they actually led at every break - this is rare!
and meditation was great...i have noticed that the more i do meditation, the less angry i become, the less stressed i get and the less things that used to bother me a lot bother me - there really is something in it!
sooo i'm now going to crawl into bed with my book - am now onto the 2nd installment of the Milennium series and I'm loving it!
nite xx
3 months on and
i am still not feeling deliriously happy...in fact, some days i wonder if the memories of being with ben will ever become less real, and by less real, i hope less painful...i woke up this morning with a real sense of being on my own and a longing for ben (and not all of it, coz there was stuff i didn't like at the end, but for that part of our relationship that was very healing and very real, and yet, not very real)...
you'd think after 1/4 of a year that you might feel better, and i'd be lying if i said i didn't, but i don't feel as good as thought i would maybe - it's hard to explain! so when i'm doing stuff and when i'm with people i want to be with i no longer think about him every waking moment (as i did when it was first over) and i have enjoyed lots of moments in the last 3 months with friends and family and doing the things i love...
but i come back to the same old thing: it's just NOT the same....
you'd think after 1/4 of a year that you might feel better, and i'd be lying if i said i didn't, but i don't feel as good as thought i would maybe - it's hard to explain! so when i'm doing stuff and when i'm with people i want to be with i no longer think about him every waking moment (as i did when it was first over) and i have enjoyed lots of moments in the last 3 months with friends and family and doing the things i love...
but i come back to the same old thing: it's just NOT the same....
Saturday, April 24, 2010
is this it?
so this is what a good friend of mine told me she's worried about now...she broke up with her fella a few months before Ben and I broke up and she now says that she is concerned that 'this' (i.e. the life she has right now) will be it...
guess in some ways i'm concerned about that too, but as i am starting to get back into my life and the things, and people, i enjoyed, i am starting to see that there are worse fates than being single...
and don't get me wrong - ultimately, i do NOT want to be single, but happily single (which i am not, not yet anyway...i'm still in that adjustment period, but i think i'm doing pretty well) is way better than unhappily coupled...
what we also talked about was the fact that right now it seems impossible that someone will be able to mention Ben's name in the future and it won't bring back all the very sad memories that it does now - i guess that takes time too and as the 3 month anniversary of the breakup dawns, i guess i am still not sure how that will become possible, or when...
amazingly i am flying out for my round the world trip in just over 5 weeks...eek - so much to do before then but today i finally put the finishing touches on my Cert IV in Coaching so fingers crossed the assessments will be marked 'competent', my exit interview will be scheduled and sometime in April/May i'll graduate...
one down, one to go!
i can see the finish line but i wonder if i will ge there in one piece....
ok, bed is calling, along with a new book!
nite
xx
guess in some ways i'm concerned about that too, but as i am starting to get back into my life and the things, and people, i enjoyed, i am starting to see that there are worse fates than being single...
and don't get me wrong - ultimately, i do NOT want to be single, but happily single (which i am not, not yet anyway...i'm still in that adjustment period, but i think i'm doing pretty well) is way better than unhappily coupled...
what we also talked about was the fact that right now it seems impossible that someone will be able to mention Ben's name in the future and it won't bring back all the very sad memories that it does now - i guess that takes time too and as the 3 month anniversary of the breakup dawns, i guess i am still not sure how that will become possible, or when...
amazingly i am flying out for my round the world trip in just over 5 weeks...eek - so much to do before then but today i finally put the finishing touches on my Cert IV in Coaching so fingers crossed the assessments will be marked 'competent', my exit interview will be scheduled and sometime in April/May i'll graduate...
one down, one to go!
i can see the finish line but i wonder if i will ge there in one piece....
ok, bed is calling, along with a new book!
nite
xx
Friday, April 23, 2010
straight lines...
so it's kinda weird when you hear the 'song' that was 'our song' with your ex for the first time since breaking up...
i've avoided playing it on my computer or mp3, but can't do much about the radio station and tonight as i was driving home it was on...my inital reaction was sadness, that it's no longer our song and of course that i'm no longer with ben, but then i thought that in fact, that was our song very very early on in the piece and we were madly in love then, so a lot of water is under the bridge now...
still made me feel sad, but as the song wore on i found myself turning it up, coz i always liked it, even before i became our song and he downloaded it for me...
so i guess there's hope for me yet! i have (other than a coupla slow mornings - which i already know isn't my best time of the day) in fact had an ok coupla weeks...
i'm back at meditation on a monday night (this is helping enormously), i'm out and about networking and trying to create work for myself, i'm spending more time with my lovely friends, i'm reading more, now all i really need to do is get back into some serious exercise...
so the sadness is slowly lifting and even though i do miss ben and there are times when it's a lot worse than normal (like when my computer doesn't work for some reason), i am starting to come good...
perhaps you could even say that i'm walking in a straight line :-)
i've avoided playing it on my computer or mp3, but can't do much about the radio station and tonight as i was driving home it was on...my inital reaction was sadness, that it's no longer our song and of course that i'm no longer with ben, but then i thought that in fact, that was our song very very early on in the piece and we were madly in love then, so a lot of water is under the bridge now...
still made me feel sad, but as the song wore on i found myself turning it up, coz i always liked it, even before i became our song and he downloaded it for me...
so i guess there's hope for me yet! i have (other than a coupla slow mornings - which i already know isn't my best time of the day) in fact had an ok coupla weeks...
i'm back at meditation on a monday night (this is helping enormously), i'm out and about networking and trying to create work for myself, i'm spending more time with my lovely friends, i'm reading more, now all i really need to do is get back into some serious exercise...
so the sadness is slowly lifting and even though i do miss ben and there are times when it's a lot worse than normal (like when my computer doesn't work for some reason), i am starting to come good...
perhaps you could even say that i'm walking in a straight line :-)
Sunday, April 18, 2010
disconcerted...
is the only way i can describe how i feel this morning...see i must have had a dream about ben so when i woke up it felt very 'unreal' and not unreal as in good, but un real as in not real...
it was disconcerting...i didn't sleep well (might have been the 2 cans of coke with dinner or the temperature, see i put the doona on the bed yesterday and i think it was too early)...and that probably hasn't helped because i've woken up not feeling rested (sigh) and feeling confused and sad...
i wonder what it is that makes our dreams sometimes feel so real - i can't even remember the dream but i remember that ben was in it, and of course then to wake up and realise he's not here (which when i'm awake i am obviously very aware of) is hard...
so it makes me wonder why on earth our minds would work in such a way as to cause us pain? see i went to bed feeling quite content (i won't say happy, but i wasn't sad) and after having had a good few days, and a bloody dream has made me feel sad all over again...i guess it is a process - there will be ups and downs and some days i'll feel good and others i won't - as my therapist said, could take a year (sigh...) as my dad says it's going to take time...so it seems that time really is the answer...and of course, as with everything i have high (and sometimes unreasonable i guess) expectations of myself, and it has not yet even been 3 months
probably too it's because i had dinner with a really good girlfriend and we talked a bit about what had happened, so of course it's fresh in my mind, as is the 'dialogue' i had with ben on friday night...seems he's struggling too - which of course makes me feel sad on a number of levels...
it really is hard to disentangle two peoples lives when they have been together for some time and even though it wasn't (in the end anyway) what we both wanted, doesn't mean that we weren't used to having each other around nor that it was all bad...
somedays i still feel as though i'm missing a limb :-(
it was disconcerting...i didn't sleep well (might have been the 2 cans of coke with dinner or the temperature, see i put the doona on the bed yesterday and i think it was too early)...and that probably hasn't helped because i've woken up not feeling rested (sigh) and feeling confused and sad...
i wonder what it is that makes our dreams sometimes feel so real - i can't even remember the dream but i remember that ben was in it, and of course then to wake up and realise he's not here (which when i'm awake i am obviously very aware of) is hard...
so it makes me wonder why on earth our minds would work in such a way as to cause us pain? see i went to bed feeling quite content (i won't say happy, but i wasn't sad) and after having had a good few days, and a bloody dream has made me feel sad all over again...i guess it is a process - there will be ups and downs and some days i'll feel good and others i won't - as my therapist said, could take a year (sigh...) as my dad says it's going to take time...so it seems that time really is the answer...and of course, as with everything i have high (and sometimes unreasonable i guess) expectations of myself, and it has not yet even been 3 months
probably too it's because i had dinner with a really good girlfriend and we talked a bit about what had happened, so of course it's fresh in my mind, as is the 'dialogue' i had with ben on friday night...seems he's struggling too - which of course makes me feel sad on a number of levels...
it really is hard to disentangle two peoples lives when they have been together for some time and even though it wasn't (in the end anyway) what we both wanted, doesn't mean that we weren't used to having each other around nor that it was all bad...
somedays i still feel as though i'm missing a limb :-(
Monday, April 12, 2010
holding pattern
i always used to find this a rather interesting description when it was applied to a person's life or state of mind, rather than an aeroplane! but that's exactly how i feel - when i move out of the immense sadness and loneliness that seems to have been my existence now for some time, i find that even though there are things that bring me happiness and that i do genuinely enjoy, when i stop doing them, i find myself feeling as if i am simply doing the same stuff over and over...
i guess this is all part of the normal 'grieving process' - one which i haven't done in this way before - guess it's been a long time since i was in a relationship let alone ended one and truth is, most of my relationships before ben were never as committed or real - certainly i had never lived with anyone for nearly 2 years before - actually other than by accident, i'd never lived with any former boyfriend...
so you see it's a bit different - and of course i am very different to the person i was all those times before coz i've done a lot of personal growth (even though some days it really doesn't feel like it) - so the entire experience is new...and of course i don't want to handle it in the same way i have done before - namely blaming (although there is the inevitable questions that one asks following a relationship breakdown) and becoming outwardly angry at the world and cynical and closed off...
don't get me wrong, there have absolutely been moments of feeling all of those things but i really try and keep them in check, coz reality is, i'm the only one who suffers when i present to the world feeling like that...and i know i am hurting but doesn't mean i have to make others hurt too, or ultimately because of the way i behave, allow others to think i'm something i'm not...
so it's bloody hard is all i'm saying and i wonder how long it really is going to be until i feel ok again - sure there have been glimpses, and every now and again after a good day or a lovely time with friends, i feel as though the new old sarah is emerging, but then of course in private is where i really let it all out, and sometimes with my therapist...
so the general consensus is that it can take (wait for it) anywhere from 6 months to a year to get over a major relationship - and one thing i know for sure, despite everything that wasn't working in my relationship with ben, it was a major relationship for me and by far the most serious relationship i have had...
soooo i think time is really gonna be the only thing...i have never been one to wish away the time, but there are times right now (when it's really hard and when i'm feeling so alone) that i wish i could wake up in some time in the future, and i'm sure i already said this on my blog, so apologies for the repetition...
also, what i realised the other week (when i went on that stupid dinner thing) was that i don't actually have to wipe out memories of Ben or our time together - in time, when i am ready, i will be able to integrate all of it into who i am and not have to pretend it didn't happen - this is good to know!
ok, off the soapbox now - tea and perhaps some crap tv before meditation tonight - i have ticked off a couple of major items on my to do list today so feel like a break is in order!
ciao
xx
i guess this is all part of the normal 'grieving process' - one which i haven't done in this way before - guess it's been a long time since i was in a relationship let alone ended one and truth is, most of my relationships before ben were never as committed or real - certainly i had never lived with anyone for nearly 2 years before - actually other than by accident, i'd never lived with any former boyfriend...
so you see it's a bit different - and of course i am very different to the person i was all those times before coz i've done a lot of personal growth (even though some days it really doesn't feel like it) - so the entire experience is new...and of course i don't want to handle it in the same way i have done before - namely blaming (although there is the inevitable questions that one asks following a relationship breakdown) and becoming outwardly angry at the world and cynical and closed off...
don't get me wrong, there have absolutely been moments of feeling all of those things but i really try and keep them in check, coz reality is, i'm the only one who suffers when i present to the world feeling like that...and i know i am hurting but doesn't mean i have to make others hurt too, or ultimately because of the way i behave, allow others to think i'm something i'm not...
so it's bloody hard is all i'm saying and i wonder how long it really is going to be until i feel ok again - sure there have been glimpses, and every now and again after a good day or a lovely time with friends, i feel as though the new old sarah is emerging, but then of course in private is where i really let it all out, and sometimes with my therapist...
so the general consensus is that it can take (wait for it) anywhere from 6 months to a year to get over a major relationship - and one thing i know for sure, despite everything that wasn't working in my relationship with ben, it was a major relationship for me and by far the most serious relationship i have had...
soooo i think time is really gonna be the only thing...i have never been one to wish away the time, but there are times right now (when it's really hard and when i'm feeling so alone) that i wish i could wake up in some time in the future, and i'm sure i already said this on my blog, so apologies for the repetition...
also, what i realised the other week (when i went on that stupid dinner thing) was that i don't actually have to wipe out memories of Ben or our time together - in time, when i am ready, i will be able to integrate all of it into who i am and not have to pretend it didn't happen - this is good to know!
ok, off the soapbox now - tea and perhaps some crap tv before meditation tonight - i have ticked off a couple of major items on my to do list today so feel like a break is in order!
ciao
xx
Sunday, April 11, 2010
i have some wonderful friends....
even though there is a gaping great hole in my life and the last 3 weeks have been nothing short of torrid, i had a lovely day today...
i spent 4 hours with my best friend sara - we met at bondi junction, had a look around the shops, had a lovely lunch, did some more shopping...found time to chat - and it was just lovely! we have been friends since 1991 and in the last couple of years i haven't seen that much of her - she has been simply fantastic since i broke up with ben and so one of the positives of being on my own again is the amount of time i get to spend with my lovely friends!
then i got home, had about 45 minutes before another friend, Emma, arrived - we had a cuppa and then went off to a movie - not the best movie for us both given we are both still getting over 'the ghost of boyfriends past' but good nonetheless...
i also realised something yesterday: namely that even though ben and i had made no formal commitment to each other, i took my relationship with him very seriously and went into it (not right from the word go, but reasonably early on) assuming it would be forever...so not only have i lost my right now, but the future has also started to look a whole lot shakier that it did when he was here...
this has been hard to deal with and there are some days where i handle it well and others when i don't...guess it's just going to be like that for some time, and rather than me just wishing i could wake up in say 6 or 12 months, i really would probably do better (in the long term, and in future relationships, even though i can't even think about one right now, other than at a very theoretical level) to use this time to get to know myself again, and remember all the things that are important to me...and to do the things i love doing with my many and wonderful friends!
i spent 4 hours with my best friend sara - we met at bondi junction, had a look around the shops, had a lovely lunch, did some more shopping...found time to chat - and it was just lovely! we have been friends since 1991 and in the last couple of years i haven't seen that much of her - she has been simply fantastic since i broke up with ben and so one of the positives of being on my own again is the amount of time i get to spend with my lovely friends!
then i got home, had about 45 minutes before another friend, Emma, arrived - we had a cuppa and then went off to a movie - not the best movie for us both given we are both still getting over 'the ghost of boyfriends past' but good nonetheless...
i also realised something yesterday: namely that even though ben and i had made no formal commitment to each other, i took my relationship with him very seriously and went into it (not right from the word go, but reasonably early on) assuming it would be forever...so not only have i lost my right now, but the future has also started to look a whole lot shakier that it did when he was here...
this has been hard to deal with and there are some days where i handle it well and others when i don't...guess it's just going to be like that for some time, and rather than me just wishing i could wake up in say 6 or 12 months, i really would probably do better (in the long term, and in future relationships, even though i can't even think about one right now, other than at a very theoretical level) to use this time to get to know myself again, and remember all the things that are important to me...and to do the things i love doing with my many and wonderful friends!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
my life is
not really where i had hoped it would be...
a relationship break up really does have a way of putting every area of your life under the micrscope...and don't get me wrong as one area (my work) is absolutely in a great place, and whilst it is still relatively new, and thus growing, it is great and i love it - the challenge of building a successful business is almost as rewarding as getting to work with the clients i work with...and it's a real privelege to be doing this sort of work...
but of course one can only distract oneself with work for so long - inevitably it then becomes a necessity to really look at the rest of ones life and in some ways give it the 'tick' or 'cross'...and following my breakup with Ben, i really am not happy with being single...i took my relationship with him very seriously - i thought it would be forever, i was happy to make an effort...so of course, all of that (namely, my old fashioned values) make it harder to get on with my life...
so back not liking my life right now...if i look back on things, i would never have thought that i'd be 41 and single - but actually that's an interesting statement, because before i met Ben, actually i wasn't sure if i did in fact ever think i'd meet anyone...and sure Ben and I didn't make it but not because we didn't love each other, but as i may have eluded to before, we don't want the same things...and if i'm honest, perhaps at the beginning when we did meet i didn't think it important enough to consider what those things were and whether or not we were in fact 'compatible'...
and of course we were compatible in many ways - how else could we have spent nearly 2 years together...but we are not compatible in terms of what we want out of a relationship in the long term and even in terms of what we want out of life...seems that if i look back honestly, those 'things' started to show earlier than we broke up and made if difficult - differences can (but not always) create conflict, and added to that, was my fear i guess, to talk about what i really wanted...
and what i really wanted was a long term committed relationship (including the possibility of marriage) - i did, and you know what? i don't think i ever told Ben that - and why is that? well perhaps because i thought he didn't want that and me saying it would scare him off? weird really how fear can mean we don't say what we want - guess that stems from my childhood...you'd think by 41 and after years of therapy i might have been able to conquer that one - guess some habits are harder to break than others...i am making progress though...
so now i'm rambling - can't remember what i started with - oh yes, that my life isn't where i want it to be - and it's not...but right now i am still grieving for ben, for what we couldn't have together, for the little rituals we shared, for the life we had together, for the dreams i had for a life with him....
guess until that grieving is done, it might be hard to even contemplate 'moving' towards what it is that i ultimately want...
a relationship break up really does have a way of putting every area of your life under the micrscope...and don't get me wrong as one area (my work) is absolutely in a great place, and whilst it is still relatively new, and thus growing, it is great and i love it - the challenge of building a successful business is almost as rewarding as getting to work with the clients i work with...and it's a real privelege to be doing this sort of work...
but of course one can only distract oneself with work for so long - inevitably it then becomes a necessity to really look at the rest of ones life and in some ways give it the 'tick' or 'cross'...and following my breakup with Ben, i really am not happy with being single...i took my relationship with him very seriously - i thought it would be forever, i was happy to make an effort...so of course, all of that (namely, my old fashioned values) make it harder to get on with my life...
so back not liking my life right now...if i look back on things, i would never have thought that i'd be 41 and single - but actually that's an interesting statement, because before i met Ben, actually i wasn't sure if i did in fact ever think i'd meet anyone...and sure Ben and I didn't make it but not because we didn't love each other, but as i may have eluded to before, we don't want the same things...and if i'm honest, perhaps at the beginning when we did meet i didn't think it important enough to consider what those things were and whether or not we were in fact 'compatible'...
and of course we were compatible in many ways - how else could we have spent nearly 2 years together...but we are not compatible in terms of what we want out of a relationship in the long term and even in terms of what we want out of life...seems that if i look back honestly, those 'things' started to show earlier than we broke up and made if difficult - differences can (but not always) create conflict, and added to that, was my fear i guess, to talk about what i really wanted...
and what i really wanted was a long term committed relationship (including the possibility of marriage) - i did, and you know what? i don't think i ever told Ben that - and why is that? well perhaps because i thought he didn't want that and me saying it would scare him off? weird really how fear can mean we don't say what we want - guess that stems from my childhood...you'd think by 41 and after years of therapy i might have been able to conquer that one - guess some habits are harder to break than others...i am making progress though...
so now i'm rambling - can't remember what i started with - oh yes, that my life isn't where i want it to be - and it's not...but right now i am still grieving for ben, for what we couldn't have together, for the little rituals we shared, for the life we had together, for the dreams i had for a life with him....
guess until that grieving is done, it might be hard to even contemplate 'moving' towards what it is that i ultimately want...
Thursday, April 8, 2010
a wee bit better
is how i can describe today...but i got off to a very slow start...
despite ending yesterday on a much better note than the start, i woke up in shock - it's funny, an ex of mine was telling me that after he divorced from his wife, some times he would be ok and then wake up and realise the 'situation' he was in, as if, in some way, sleeping was an escape from his reality...which of course it is for me - always has been...
so despite a very slow start and one where i really felt a strong pull to lie in bed, cry and just mope...i didn't! i got up, did heaps of work today and managed to do the food shopping too - something i have only done once since Ben and i split - for some reason i'm having an emotional block to shopping - no surprises really since we used to do the shopping together, and not that i am deluded into thinking this is some form of romance, but it was something we did together for nearly 2 years and so doing it alone is yet another reminder that i am, in fact, alone...
i'm really not coping too well with that right now - despite a rocky start initially i had started to feel really good and back to my new old self...but i really feel as though i have regressed in the last few weeks and i'm not feeling good about it...a lot of my negative thinking has re-emerged and i find myself feeling quite angry and synical :-(
also, my dinner with my good friend last night raised an interesting question (she finds herself in a similar situation) - namely 'am i the marrying kind?' and by me i don't me i don't think i am, but perhaps men don't think i am...or the men i've dated/gone out with? made me kinda sad - i'm kind of scared to ask really - coz what if the answer is yes?
so i'm doing the best i can - putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that in time (everyone says it takes time) i will actually be more than ok, but happy...
please universe, pave the way for me...
despite ending yesterday on a much better note than the start, i woke up in shock - it's funny, an ex of mine was telling me that after he divorced from his wife, some times he would be ok and then wake up and realise the 'situation' he was in, as if, in some way, sleeping was an escape from his reality...which of course it is for me - always has been...
so despite a very slow start and one where i really felt a strong pull to lie in bed, cry and just mope...i didn't! i got up, did heaps of work today and managed to do the food shopping too - something i have only done once since Ben and i split - for some reason i'm having an emotional block to shopping - no surprises really since we used to do the shopping together, and not that i am deluded into thinking this is some form of romance, but it was something we did together for nearly 2 years and so doing it alone is yet another reminder that i am, in fact, alone...
i'm really not coping too well with that right now - despite a rocky start initially i had started to feel really good and back to my new old self...but i really feel as though i have regressed in the last few weeks and i'm not feeling good about it...a lot of my negative thinking has re-emerged and i find myself feeling quite angry and synical :-(
also, my dinner with my good friend last night raised an interesting question (she finds herself in a similar situation) - namely 'am i the marrying kind?' and by me i don't me i don't think i am, but perhaps men don't think i am...or the men i've dated/gone out with? made me kinda sad - i'm kind of scared to ask really - coz what if the answer is yes?
so i'm doing the best i can - putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that in time (everyone says it takes time) i will actually be more than ok, but happy...
please universe, pave the way for me...
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
and things have ended
better than they started - i had a few good meetings today, did a good coaching session and had dinner with a very good friend...
the day itself was awful - the night got worse after i wrote my blog and i cried for what seemed like hours - with a mind running like a game with no off switch, sadly i woke up at 5am and found it hard to get back to sleep...so i felt rather 'under the weather' this morning - no surprise then when i wake up and it's raining - as if the universe in some way is matching how i feel...
so what i found out was that i was a wee bit obsessed today with something (and i can't blog about it) and it really did take control of me - of my usual balanced cognitively aware self and it really did ruin a large part of my day...
what is good though is that through plenty of observation and chatting with Em, i realised what it is and it's a fear - an irrational one (obviously) and one that i can't control and have no influence over, nor any responsibility for, but for some reason it really does grab a hold of me...
mental note to self to discuss with sallyanne on saturday...
so as always self awareness is a good thing and now i can make a decision about how to handle this particular fear, and at least, if not initially handle it, deal with it more effectively until i have resolved it!
sooo all in all the day hasn't been too bad - it's ended WAY better than it started and i can feel a bit of the old new me re-emerging! welcome back...
the day itself was awful - the night got worse after i wrote my blog and i cried for what seemed like hours - with a mind running like a game with no off switch, sadly i woke up at 5am and found it hard to get back to sleep...so i felt rather 'under the weather' this morning - no surprise then when i wake up and it's raining - as if the universe in some way is matching how i feel...
so what i found out was that i was a wee bit obsessed today with something (and i can't blog about it) and it really did take control of me - of my usual balanced cognitively aware self and it really did ruin a large part of my day...
what is good though is that through plenty of observation and chatting with Em, i realised what it is and it's a fear - an irrational one (obviously) and one that i can't control and have no influence over, nor any responsibility for, but for some reason it really does grab a hold of me...
mental note to self to discuss with sallyanne on saturday...
so as always self awareness is a good thing and now i can make a decision about how to handle this particular fear, and at least, if not initially handle it, deal with it more effectively until i have resolved it!
sooo all in all the day hasn't been too bad - it's ended WAY better than it started and i can feel a bit of the old new me re-emerging! welcome back...
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
do you ever feel
just so alone? and think that there is nobody who would understand...that's where i'm at right now - i have never really understood why people take their own lives and i'm certainly at no risk of taking mine, but i have had the odd fleeting thought tonight that i really am all alone...
and this isn't just about my breakup with ben, it's also to do with the fact that my sister and i are in the middle of another one of those stupid arguments (which she will think happened over a hurtful comment she made over the weekend, but in fact, it's years of me not saying anything and what she said has finally tipped me over the edge) and i'm sad....
really really sad, and worse, feeling like i have no-one to talk to who would understand...
so i'm off to bed now to have a good old cry and hopefully i will feel better in the morning...
and this isn't just about my breakup with ben, it's also to do with the fact that my sister and i are in the middle of another one of those stupid arguments (which she will think happened over a hurtful comment she made over the weekend, but in fact, it's years of me not saying anything and what she said has finally tipped me over the edge) and i'm sad....
really really sad, and worse, feeling like i have no-one to talk to who would understand...
so i'm off to bed now to have a good old cry and hopefully i will feel better in the morning...
Monday, April 5, 2010
sometime ago i wrote
a post about what i thought were the pro's and con's of being single versus being in a relationship - by sometime ago i mean quite a while - it was actually before i met Ben, so over 2 years ago now...
i can't really remember what i concluded...but what i know right now is how much i am not enjoying being single...
there are some things that i miss and i guess part of that will be having a structured job to go to every day to get me out of the house (i did have that when i wrote the first blog)...
so what i miss is this:
I really hope that she is wrong, coz I don't think i want to spend another 39 weeks feeling this unhappy and lonely...and it's true that i'm not always unhappy and i have had some very good days and i am still (at least in my head) comfortable with my decision...it's my heart that is gonna take some time to catch up and to heal...
So perhaps i will focus on healing...how does one do that? Any tips?
i can't really remember what i concluded...but what i know right now is how much i am not enjoying being single...
there are some things that i miss and i guess part of that will be having a structured job to go to every day to get me out of the house (i did have that when i wrote the first blog)...
so what i miss is this:
- having someone to wake up to every day
- having the same person there to say goodnight to every night
- having someone to do stuff with on weekends (esp long ones) when everyone else seems to be away
- being part of someone else's family
- having someone to make tea for me
- having someone to make tea for
- having someone to talk to when i'm feeling lonely (this is a lot...)
- having someone to go for a walk with
- having someone to eat meals with
- having someone to cuddle up to in bed (actually i missed this when ben was here towards the end, but this is a list about what i miss, and i absolutely do miss that)
- having someone to talk to the footy about (especially on days like today when my team got absolutely smashed)
- having someone to go with to lunch or dinner things (although again this was something that created enormous stress when ben and i were together as he didn't like to go out and consequently would be cranky towards me in the lead up, and often when we got home)
- so many other things that i just can't write about here.....
I really hope that she is wrong, coz I don't think i want to spend another 39 weeks feeling this unhappy and lonely...and it's true that i'm not always unhappy and i have had some very good days and i am still (at least in my head) comfortable with my decision...it's my heart that is gonna take some time to catch up and to heal...
So perhaps i will focus on healing...how does one do that? Any tips?
great expectations...
so i'm having some difficulty right now with my expectations of others (hence the title, and also one of my favourite books!)...and by difficulty i mean that they don't do what i expect (herein lies perhaps the trick to solving this) and i end up feeling disappointed and hurt...
and this isn't new - i have ALWAYS had an issue with my expectations of others and as i sat down to start writing this i realised that perhaps there is a link between the sarah of old (and by her i mean the one who didn't have a voice and wasn't good at asserting herself or stating her needs) and the frustration of feeling let down...
possibly has something to do with attachment too - namely my attachment to the outcome i am expecting! my meditation teacher may be able to help me with some techniques on this...
mmm food for thought...
and this isn't new - i have ALWAYS had an issue with my expectations of others and as i sat down to start writing this i realised that perhaps there is a link between the sarah of old (and by her i mean the one who didn't have a voice and wasn't good at asserting herself or stating her needs) and the frustration of feeling let down...
possibly has something to do with attachment too - namely my attachment to the outcome i am expecting! my meditation teacher may be able to help me with some techniques on this...
mmm food for thought...
Sunday, April 4, 2010
i thought the 'slump'
had kinda lifted, but it seems to have returned again...and not as bad as it was on tuesday night, but i'm sad...and lonely...
it's funny coz before i met ben i had spent years on my own - don't get me wrong, there were a few men along the way, but no-one serious, no-one serious enough for me to move in with or introduce to my friends and family...so it seems kinda strange that having been on my own for years (and for the most part i enjoyed it even though i knew i wanted to meet someone) i now don't like it so much...
some days i love the freedom and when i'm busy (and not sick or have pmt!) i am pretty happy and content with my lot, but since ben, i am really struggling to come to terms with it all again, and especially when i thought that once i'd met him, that would be it...
it's hard! and even though i made a really good start to the recovery, people (mainly my mum and dad) kept saying it would take time, and maybe even a long time...and you know what, they are right...i thought, or maybe it was hoped, that coz i felt good and happy some days and certainly freer, that i was ok, but reality is, the longer it is, sometimes the harder it feels, almost like it was some sort of 'holiday' we took from each other, but it isn't a holiday - it's real - he's not coming back and even though there is a small part of me (you know the part i blogged about the other day - the part of me that now understands why people stay even when it's not right) that wishes he would, i know in the long term we just don't want the same thing...
it would be easier if i hated him, but i don't - i am SO far away from hating him...sure, there were things i didn't like towards the end (feeling unloved, not special and being taken for granted) but i don't hate him - i don't think i ever will - what does it say about me to spend nearly 2 years with someone and then end up hating them...
sooo i'm lonely, and as daylight savings ends and it gets colder, i feel worse - like some of my 'light' has gone out and yet again i find myself having to face the world on my own...
and you know what, there are not that many people that understand this - people who've been married for years think they understand, but they don't...and it's not their fault, i'm not blaming them, i'm simply pointing out that they just don't understand...
so i'm sad, and lonely and added to that i'm still sick and added to that i've got some people in my life who i find a disappointment at times (and not in who they are, but in how they behave and the impact that has on me) and i find myself wondering 'when will it be my turn?'...
it's funny coz before i met ben i had spent years on my own - don't get me wrong, there were a few men along the way, but no-one serious, no-one serious enough for me to move in with or introduce to my friends and family...so it seems kinda strange that having been on my own for years (and for the most part i enjoyed it even though i knew i wanted to meet someone) i now don't like it so much...
some days i love the freedom and when i'm busy (and not sick or have pmt!) i am pretty happy and content with my lot, but since ben, i am really struggling to come to terms with it all again, and especially when i thought that once i'd met him, that would be it...
it's hard! and even though i made a really good start to the recovery, people (mainly my mum and dad) kept saying it would take time, and maybe even a long time...and you know what, they are right...i thought, or maybe it was hoped, that coz i felt good and happy some days and certainly freer, that i was ok, but reality is, the longer it is, sometimes the harder it feels, almost like it was some sort of 'holiday' we took from each other, but it isn't a holiday - it's real - he's not coming back and even though there is a small part of me (you know the part i blogged about the other day - the part of me that now understands why people stay even when it's not right) that wishes he would, i know in the long term we just don't want the same thing...
it would be easier if i hated him, but i don't - i am SO far away from hating him...sure, there were things i didn't like towards the end (feeling unloved, not special and being taken for granted) but i don't hate him - i don't think i ever will - what does it say about me to spend nearly 2 years with someone and then end up hating them...
sooo i'm lonely, and as daylight savings ends and it gets colder, i feel worse - like some of my 'light' has gone out and yet again i find myself having to face the world on my own...
and you know what, there are not that many people that understand this - people who've been married for years think they understand, but they don't...and it's not their fault, i'm not blaming them, i'm simply pointing out that they just don't understand...
so i'm sad, and lonely and added to that i'm still sick and added to that i've got some people in my life who i find a disappointment at times (and not in who they are, but in how they behave and the impact that has on me) and i find myself wondering 'when will it be my turn?'...
this is gonna be short and sweet, but
probably pretty angry sounding...and that's coz i am! angry that is...
and at someone who over the years has made me very angry and who i find to be, at times, very inconsiderate, especially when i think about everything i have done for her, her husband and her children (whom i adore - they are NOT the subject of my anger)...
so i'm talking about my sister and it actually saddens me to be so angry that i'm blogging about it, and in fact i have wanted to in years gone by but my internal critic, my 'sensor' as it were has stopped me - well no more..
so as usual i am heading to melbs at least once this year to take my nephew to the footy - am trying to tie it in with the same game my dad is going to coz i love it when the 3 of us go to the footy together - and i tell my sister i've booked the tickets and so ask her if it might be ok for someone to pick me up at the airport - after a conversation (which i knew when i asked would go pearshaped - coz it always does) she accuses me of being high maintenance - what a fucking bitch! i am soo mad at her - actually i'm more than mad i'm hurt - i cried on the way home today thinking about it...
i have done so much for them and her over the years and every time i ask to be picked up at the airport it's the same thing - and you know last time she was in sydney for work and i knew we wouldn't get to see each other i offered to drive to her work (30 min drive), drive her from there to the airport (probably an hour drive) just so that i could get to see her and chat...but no, every time i ask for something i'm either high maintenance or it's too hard and you know why i asked her to do this? so i could see her and my neice as well as my nephew who i'm taking to the footy...when i was there last i took my nephew to school (this saved her time - of course I loved doing it so it's no problem for me coz i'm actually a helpful sort of person), picked up dinner, picked him up from after school care...
so instead, here's what i'm doing (apart from talking to my meditation teacher about the attachment issues i have with how i would like her to be): i'm flying in on the day of the footy and meeting my nephew at the ground, then flying home...
i am no longer going to put myself in a situation with her where i am a) accused of being something i'm not and b) where i am NEVER put first...
even as i write this i am angry and sad, and angry and sad - there is an endless stream of questions i could ask but seriously, what's the point...angry too that very soon after i broke up with ben she made a very callous remark to me and frankly has been less than supportive as i've attempted to put my life back together...
the questions i am left pondering are this: how can i be related to her, how could we have grown up in the same family, how can she be so fucking self absorbed that just occasionally she can't look outside her own stuff?
ok i'm getting off the soapbox now coz even though i have vented i am actually really hurt by this - sure it seems inconsequential to some of you but this is a pattern that has been around for some years and no matter how much i do for her/them, doesn't seem to be a lot coming back this way - kinda sad really...
so in fact the real question is this: how do i find a way to not let it get to me, to accept who she is and how she behaves towards me? mmmm
and at someone who over the years has made me very angry and who i find to be, at times, very inconsiderate, especially when i think about everything i have done for her, her husband and her children (whom i adore - they are NOT the subject of my anger)...
so i'm talking about my sister and it actually saddens me to be so angry that i'm blogging about it, and in fact i have wanted to in years gone by but my internal critic, my 'sensor' as it were has stopped me - well no more..
so as usual i am heading to melbs at least once this year to take my nephew to the footy - am trying to tie it in with the same game my dad is going to coz i love it when the 3 of us go to the footy together - and i tell my sister i've booked the tickets and so ask her if it might be ok for someone to pick me up at the airport - after a conversation (which i knew when i asked would go pearshaped - coz it always does) she accuses me of being high maintenance - what a fucking bitch! i am soo mad at her - actually i'm more than mad i'm hurt - i cried on the way home today thinking about it...
i have done so much for them and her over the years and every time i ask to be picked up at the airport it's the same thing - and you know last time she was in sydney for work and i knew we wouldn't get to see each other i offered to drive to her work (30 min drive), drive her from there to the airport (probably an hour drive) just so that i could get to see her and chat...but no, every time i ask for something i'm either high maintenance or it's too hard and you know why i asked her to do this? so i could see her and my neice as well as my nephew who i'm taking to the footy...when i was there last i took my nephew to school (this saved her time - of course I loved doing it so it's no problem for me coz i'm actually a helpful sort of person), picked up dinner, picked him up from after school care...
so instead, here's what i'm doing (apart from talking to my meditation teacher about the attachment issues i have with how i would like her to be): i'm flying in on the day of the footy and meeting my nephew at the ground, then flying home...
i am no longer going to put myself in a situation with her where i am a) accused of being something i'm not and b) where i am NEVER put first...
even as i write this i am angry and sad, and angry and sad - there is an endless stream of questions i could ask but seriously, what's the point...angry too that very soon after i broke up with ben she made a very callous remark to me and frankly has been less than supportive as i've attempted to put my life back together...
the questions i am left pondering are this: how can i be related to her, how could we have grown up in the same family, how can she be so fucking self absorbed that just occasionally she can't look outside her own stuff?
ok i'm getting off the soapbox now coz even though i have vented i am actually really hurt by this - sure it seems inconsequential to some of you but this is a pattern that has been around for some years and no matter how much i do for her/them, doesn't seem to be a lot coming back this way - kinda sad really...
so in fact the real question is this: how do i find a way to not let it get to me, to accept who she is and how she behaves towards me? mmmm
Thursday, April 1, 2010
it's official...i'm in a slump
I really am - the last few days has been a nightmare...having gotten through the first 2 months i have believed myself to be doing really well - and of course if i put everything in context i am doing well, but since the saturday night pub outing, it's been, well pearshaped....
i haven't felt this sad since immediately after the breakup - perhaps it's the reality? perhaps it's coz i'm quite sick (and of course it's not a surprise to be feeling emotionally under the weather when your body isn't doing so well), perhaps it's coz so many friends asked me 'when i was getting back out there?' and i toyed with doing so, that i was ok...
so i'm really not ok...and by that i mean not ok with trying to imagine myself with anyone else...of course i am ok - work is going well, i'm enjoying as lot of my life, i'm doing the things i want to be doing, and as each day passes it gets easier, and harder...coz the longer it goes, the more of a reality it becomes (and by 'it' i mean being single, which sometimes means feeling very very alone)...
difficult too that ben misses me and told me he still loves me - which of course i get - i miss him terribly at times and i love him too - can't turn off a 2 year thing like a switch - and of course this doesn't mean it was working at the end or that we want the same things, coz i actually don't think we do, and i wonder actually if we ever did, but we found each other at a time when we both really needed something and someone to understand, and of course we had that....but we aren't together now because i think we realised eventually that what we wanted at the beginning wasn't sustainable and we started wanting different things - which i guess is common in relationships?
and of course it's very easy for me to sit here and type this and rationalise it, but reality is i am sad and i miss him terribly and there are times when i really wish things could have been and could be different...
i haven't felt this sad since immediately after the breakup - perhaps it's the reality? perhaps it's coz i'm quite sick (and of course it's not a surprise to be feeling emotionally under the weather when your body isn't doing so well), perhaps it's coz so many friends asked me 'when i was getting back out there?' and i toyed with doing so, that i was ok...
so i'm really not ok...and by that i mean not ok with trying to imagine myself with anyone else...of course i am ok - work is going well, i'm enjoying as lot of my life, i'm doing the things i want to be doing, and as each day passes it gets easier, and harder...coz the longer it goes, the more of a reality it becomes (and by 'it' i mean being single, which sometimes means feeling very very alone)...
difficult too that ben misses me and told me he still loves me - which of course i get - i miss him terribly at times and i love him too - can't turn off a 2 year thing like a switch - and of course this doesn't mean it was working at the end or that we want the same things, coz i actually don't think we do, and i wonder actually if we ever did, but we found each other at a time when we both really needed something and someone to understand, and of course we had that....but we aren't together now because i think we realised eventually that what we wanted at the beginning wasn't sustainable and we started wanting different things - which i guess is common in relationships?
and of course it's very easy for me to sit here and type this and rationalise it, but reality is i am sad and i miss him terribly and there are times when i really wish things could have been and could be different...
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