it's getting pretty hard to

pretend to be busy....

i've been in this job about 6 weeks now - actually today marks the start of week 7 - and bar a few days where it's been busy, i have NOTHING to do...

it's starting to get boring - first few weeks were kinda busy doing reading, getting up to speed on what everyone else in the team was doing, helping out with recruitment etc, and a bit of admin...

so it was ok for a little while, but now it's starting to wear thin! funny, when i have nothing to do it often makes me think about how much i hate the thought of being so busy that i'd have to work long hours and when i have nothing to do i long for things to do that will fill up the day...

and i don't mean boring, routine, admin type things, i mean the sort of work that actually means you're using your brain - that you're creating something new - coming up with solutions to problems etc...

frankly, none of that sort of work seems imminent (although i keep telling myself that come Dec 1, and from then until 31 March, somethings gonna change) and i find myself wondering just how much longer i'm gonna be able to stick it out...

and then a little voice in my head (you know the sensible one we all have) reminds me that i only really have to put up with corporate life (fulltime anyway) until 18th dec 2009...

and it's funny really as until i took this particular role (and had time on my hands - time that i have spent doing some analysis of my own financial situation) i hadn't even considered that i could exit corporate life so early...

i was so bored the other week i found myself looking at seek.com - but that was more a function of working for an idiot - he's gone now so that can no longer be my rationale....i'm even meeting up with an old colleague - he works in an area i am VERY interested in pursuing part time as part of my portfolio approach (once qualified) so am going to pick his brain - a small part of me is hoping he might offer me a job!

soo see, i have been doing something with the available time...

i'm torn...

i really am! see ages ago when i first took an interest in rugby league i supported manly...they were my dad's team and since he was the reason i got interested in league, i figured it would be good to support the same team - somewhere in the family archives there is a photo of me in a 1980's manly jumper...

soon we not only followed but starting going to the GF each year - kinda became something we did - just me and him...saw the bulldogs win back in the days when the GF's were at the SCG...

met some girls at college in the 1985/1986 years and they were bulldogs followers and all of a sudden i switched teams! go figure - never thought i was so fickle...

but now after enduring many years of hardship (and many glorious GF victories) as a bulldogs fan, mainly due to some of the less savoury off the field antics, i am starting to think about reverting...

yep, about going back to being a manly fan...

coupla things make it seem like a good thing to do:
- technically i have ALWAYS lived closer to brookvale than belmore;
- dad still goes for the sea eagles;
- i actually like going to brookvale oval and have been there more than i have ever been to belmore...
- i like them - i do! i always have - the only time i've ever not supported them is when they played the bulldogs, and those weren't easy times...

so why is it so hard? if i switch back will it be for good? is it a bad thing to do? and it's not just because they lost this year....or is it? or is that just the catalyst that's making me think about it?

of course if could go for the dragons! that would be the easy thing to do - coz they are ben's team, and i've never hated the dragons like i hate some teams - manly just seems like a better fit...

thoughts?

today was a bit of a landmark day

in terms of my experience in corporate life...

and you have a bit of an idea of what i'm talking about from previous posts - or maybe you don't as i've been suitably cryptic...

sooo someone who was dismissed from our organisation 8 years ago for bad behaviour was re-hired by a group executive (who is no longer with us....go figure) about 4 months ago...today he 'resigned'...and the communication that went out was clear - that to be a general mgr one has to not only have the requisite technical skills but also a way of doing things consistent with our code of conduct...

gotta love that! and let's not go overboard - this has not restored my faith in corporate life so much that i'm now lining up to be a GM myself...fuck no! but what it has done is remind me that every now and again there are people who will stand up for what they believe in and they will make a difficult decision if it means they are doing the right thing...

my tenure in this organisation is nearing the six year mark (a record for me) and i can honestly say that in that time i have come across only a handful of people who have the degree of integrity i consider myself to have...and far less have actually done what they knew was the right thing to do...

so thank you - this won't extend my stay, but it does give me hope that my remaining time there might actually be more enjoyable!

things just don't always go to plan....

all i can hope is that they will eventually (and by eventually i mean by tomorrow!) turn out the way they should...

see this morning was 'd day' and i had hoped that it would all be resolved today...

but alas, the universe has other things in mind, and it will be another day or so until the final outcome is clearer...

oh well...

oh and i make a great salad...

just ask ben!

i just popped into the study to see him (he's playing a video game and i'm watching House) and he said (and i quote) 'that fucking salad you made lastnight was the best salad i've ever had' - big call!

simple really - chicken caesar salad - grilled chicken, bacon, hard boiled eggs, good lettuce, cucumber, tomato (not a typical ingredient) and caesar dressing courtesy of heinz (gotta love heinz)...

guess i'll be making it again...

the best weekends are those

where there are no set plans, the sun is shining and things just unfold...

ben and i had the loveliest weekend - we didn't have too much planned (other than looking at a house on saturday afternoon and a visit from his sister and new nephew this afternoon) - the time just unfolded naturally...

and it seems as though we've been together and off work for way longer than just two days! maybe that's the trick - instead of trying to do a gazillion things in the two days when you're meant to be resting and recuperating for the week ahead, just hanging out might be the way to go!

and don't get me wrong - we didn't sit around all weekend - we got stacks done, even did a lovely walk today, did the food shopping, did the cleaning, did all the washing, bought some gym equipment for ben, looked at the house (it's nice, but not our dream home), had two early nights and two late mornings...

all in all a GREAT weekend...may there be many many more:-)

soooo i told my boss i wanted out...

of course i didn't use those exact words! i said things like how difficult it was to influence him, that he wasn't a good listener, i gave her examples of how he talks to people etc etc

she wasn't surprised, was REALLY understanding and supportive and told me something i can't really share...

what i can say that, it's good news! and even if it's not, she has a solution...

sooooo really pleased i didn't try and just stick it out - i'm always telling people life is too short to just suck it up and i'm glad i finally took my own advice...

next instalment to come...

turns out i got a sign.....

so the other day i was contemplating whether or not i should take the advice i would give a friend in the same situation....

see advice is much easier to give than recieve and sometimes the advice you give someone else (no matter how much you care about them) is invariably going to be more objective than the advice you give yourself...of course, it is much easier to suggest to others how to run their lives, but far harder to apply it to your own situation - i wonder why that is? probably obvious really - quite simply, we have much more invested in implementing advice in our own lives! maybe that's why they say unsolicited advice is really worth nothing at all....

soooo anyway, i digress! the reason i blogged the other day about my indecision was that i have kinda been sitting on the fence about my work situation! new job, seemingly sexy role, great boss, nice team (bar one), and shitty customer....and i guess i was trying to weigh up whether all the good stuff could counter balance the bad stuff...

well, until monday morning (when i returned to work after having 3 days off sick with a virus that kept me virtually bed ridden) when a colleague told me about an incident she'd had and today when i was unfortunate (or perhaps i'll look back and see it as fortunate one day soon...) enough to have an incident myself (this was 'the sign), i was just plodding along pretending that things weren't so bad, and that sticking this job out for 2 years wouldn't be too bad...

who the fuck was i kidding? the guy is an arsehole - he's a bully - he's rude - he doesn't listen - he doesn't share any of the values i consider to be a minimum for someone to be considered humane - it's his way or the highway etc etc

this is NOT the sort of person i want to spend 2 days, much less 2 years, of my professional life working with or being associated with...

so, i've bitten the bullet! i've set up a meeting with my boss (the one i do like and respect) for tomorrow lunchtime...pretty sure i'm going to tell her that it's untenable...

wonder what'll happen next...

so i've been asking myself today

if the advice i give others is good enough for me....

kinda difficult one to answer really coz i know for sure it's gonna cost me something not to take my own advice...

probably not money, but that's not really that important to me anyway...

but it is gonna cost something...question is: is it gonna be worth it??

looking at houses brings

out the voyeur in me...

so ben and i have started looking at houses again - even though we're really happy here and not 100% sure we should move (altho somebody really wants a dog...), at least in the short term....but it becomes a bit of an obsession!

soooo it's kinda funny now that we both have a desk/computer in the same study - ben can look at domain whilst i'm on realestate.com and we tell each other about the sorts of places we can see 'it's a shit tip' he says or 'how the fuck do people live like that?' i say to him...

seriously, it is kinda sad to see the way some people live - and sure, there will be people who would take one look at photos of our place and say the same thing but then again i don't really care what other people think of our home (well i do in that i like my friends/family to feel welcomed and at home here) and it's not really the point...

sooo i'm not sure what is more fun: looking for a house we can call our own or bagging out other people's.....

mental health days...

are absolutely under-rated...

is there anything more to say? seriously, is there??

it's a bit of a stuggle right at the moment...

life that is! it's kinda funny really, i've always held the view that it's unlikely that the key areas of one's life are all going to be going swimmingly at the same time, but i was kinda hoping it wouldn't actually be true...

soooo work, well where will i start - you've seen a few of my posts about it, the person i support, my increasing disenfranchisement (is that a word?) with corporate life and just generally how i wish ben and i could win the lotto so i could make a hasty escape - so it's not even like i hate it but i'm just not passionate about it - you may well ask what 'it' is? well ultimately it's about making more money for shareholders - sure there are other things we actually do, but that's the objective really - oh and to do it with 'corporate responsibility'.......and it all seems good when you are in your 20's and earning loads of cash, but as you reach a stage in life where you crave meaning, it's shallow and frankly, not fulfilling...


then there's my health, which given i have arguably had the best six months (in relationship terms) for as long as i can remember and consequently would expect that to provide some natural immunity, i seem to have been nowhere near 100% for most of it - and frankly, i'm over it! i'm absolutely buggered most of the time, trying to find time to exercise - and in fact time isn't the issue, it's inclination....today when my alarm went off at 7am it was all i could do to drag myself to the study to make the call to work - and i went to bed at 8.45pm - so not like it was a late night or anything....

school this term (altho i finished last week and have 3 weeks off, yippee) was hard going - counselling in loss - all about death and grief and loss - enough to make you really sad and it actually did, make me sad that is! i found myself thinking about all of the losses in my life during that time and even losses i didn't realise i saw as losses - so in addition to reminding me of losses i knew i'd experienced it also brought up things i hadn't previously seen as a loss - fabulous!!!

thing with ben are good - actually, that part of my life is going really well which i am really happy about...would be great if my health were better and i am doing the right things in an attempt to get that happening, so then of course i start wondering if in fact my general malaise is more a function of my mental state - my ambivalence about work, a sense of being trapped there until it's financially viable to walk away, about doing something every day that frankly is NOT contributing to the greater good of mankind...

anyway, i digress! things with ben are great - we celebrated 6 months together yesterday - we marked it with a walk up and down balmoral beach (one of our favourite spots) with a cup of tea and then dinner at my local mexican restaurant - it was nice :-)

so i'm now going to practice something i preach: gratefulness! so three things i am grateful are today are:
- ben: he really is my sunshine;
- my big sister laurel, even tho she lives in perth and likes roger federer....; and
- my dreams (even when things aren't looking so good, we still have our dreams to guide us)

xox

pretty pleased i didn't let it simmer so much it bubbled over...

see sometimes i kinda let things 'simmer away' inside, and i have been doing this for maybe a few days and today, well today, after spending probably a good half hour wondering if i should just let it out, i did just that...it's funny sometimes how talking about stuff really does help! (go figure - maybe that's why i'm training to be a counsellor)...

sometimes i don't know if what i'm feeling is real (of course it's real, that's why they are called feelings!) or whether i'm just reading stuff into stuff that really isn't stuff at all - you know what i mean right?

well, instead of letting it continue - and by it i mean the stupid thoughts that were making me feel a little vulnerable, having disturbing and frighteningly realy dreams, not to mention the voices in my head that just wouldn't seem to stop - i just decided to confront it...

maybe it's just me, maybe i'm just tired, maybe things are changing - but just coz they are changing doesn't mean i have to think it's bad!!! so now i'm wondering what it is about change that makes me ASSUME (dangerous word that) that it's bad??? bit of thinking to be done on that one...

sorry it's so cryptic - it's kinda gonna stay that way...

what do you do when...

you are only 3 weeks into a new job and you don't like (actually it's more like respect or trust) the main person you are working with???

bit of a dilemma wouldn't you say??? maybe it's a good thing that the weather forecast looks ordinary for the next few days, might mean i have time to seriously think about what i want to be doing and whether or not on monday (when i meet with my boss - not the person i'm having issues with) to suggest to my boss that i move roles....

what would you do?

on a more positive note i gave a speech today to around 80 or so uni students about the glass ceiling - i'm not gonna be modest! i was good! natural, honest, relaxed and even funny - not only that i really enjoyed it! might even think about doing more of it!

have a great weekend, and if you have any tips for my 'issue', i'll listen!

ciao