so much material, so little time....

soooo i continue to have weird dreams....lastnight's little pearler was me attempting to make spinach (or was it rocket?), with crumbled goats cheese and balsamic rolled into some sort of filo pastry - not bite size things mind, no these were giant filo pastry squares and every time i tried to roll one up it broke! sooo now i'm wondering if subconsciously i am anxious about 'breaking' something??? gotta love the mind....

a thank you to bianca! when i started work at concord in november last year she sat in the pod next to me - we got chatting, and she became a familiar and friendly face whenever i went there - a couple of weeks ago we got talking about tea (yep, the drinking kind) and when i was there last week she had a big package for me that she'd picked up wholesale....sweet! we haven't yet had a chance to try it (this weekend is set aside for many enjoyable and relaxing home based activities)...the kindness of some people never ceases to amaze me...mental note to send her a card

a belated happy birthday to my uncle campbell who turned 60 last week - went to qld on the weekend for a lovely birthday lunch celebration...thank you for inviting us - felt very chuffed to be amongst your chosen few to celebrate this milestone with you - may you have many many happy returns...love you

to my friend pissoir - my almost absent friend - and not because she doesn't care and not because i don't care - we're like many friends out there - too bloody busy with seemingly inconsequential shit and we just don't always make time to catchup! today at least i got to talk to her - not her secretary, not her voicemail, her, the real and in person leanne! nice to talk to you my friend - thx again for the tickets - lunch in the next week and dinner with the boys in september - pls remember to occasionally make time for yourself...love you and miss you

to my friend leaf - who was here in sydney - who i didn't get to see whilst she was here - i'm sorry your girls didn't get the result they (and you) would have liked - i'm sure you did your best - hope you had a safe trip home and will look fwd to seeing you in canberra when #2 arrives...still the best holiday i ever had! love you

to my ben - i am really proud of you (in a supportive and non condescending way!) - today was the first step in your journey to live your dream - so few people have the courage to do what you are doing - i admire you and will support you...you make my life complete.....now lets go find that new tv....love you muchos

and finally to those navy blues - how bloody good were they??? down and seemingly out, half way through the 3nd quarter, 37 points down against the number 2 team in the comp, and they come back and win by 28 points - yep, 28 toughly contested, well earned points...long may i get to sing 'we are the navy blues'...bring on 30th august!

and that's about all i have....nite

do you ever get days where you are humbled by

someone else's story, or the things that they choose to share with you?

well today was one of those - in fact the last two days have provided multiple opportunities for me to put some of my counselling skills to the test - yesterday it was 2 people who asked me to simply listen to them and provide some advice and support and today, well, today just blew me away...

see i work in hr for a big organisation - that organisation is going through a lot of change right now...actually that change was the driver of yesterdays conversations - people's anxiety about the changes, what it means for them, who they might end up reporting to, and general concerns about their complete lack of being able to control the outcome - this seems to be commonplace where i work and even though it's something i would dearly be able to change - i am not naive enough to think that my beliefs will become their way of operating - at least not overnight! see sometimes i am very positive - if not a little deluded....

anyway, i digress! today was seemingly just another day at the office - but one of my customers asked me if i would spend some time with one of her staff who was struggling to make a decision about his next step...now this isn't someone i know well - perhaps in the 8 months i've been their hr person, i've spent a total of 2 hours with him - and all of those with other people, never one on one...

so i was of course pretty thrilled to be asked to talk to him and i also thought 'what a great opportunity to use my counselling skills'! and not in a disrespectful or devious way - see the greatest skill one learns as a counsellor is how to listen! sounds easy right? but real listening is not a skill that we learn as humans - pity really!

so we got talking (turns out we talked for well over an hour!) and basically he was asking for an independant opinion of the opportunity he was considering - so we had a good conversation about that - i asked him what he thought the pro's and con's were - what was in it for him - what other opportunities he thought might present themselves in the short term etc etc - so after much conversation i simply asked him 'will you regret not taking the role if you didn't?' - he said he would, so i said that i thought that was his answer....i also suggested that despite what other people might tell him was the right thing to do, only he could know what was right for him and that any decision he made would be the right one for him - he thanked me (that is ALWAYS the best part!)...

then he asked me if he could ask me something more personal - he ended up telling me that he was considering changing his name - obviously this is not something i have experienced first hand (altho a very good friend of mine did change his name, but for very different reasons) so i felt absolutely unqualified to 'advise' him - what i suggested was that he be comfortable with his reasons for wanting to do so, and understanding the impact it could have on the people in his life...i have no idea whether he will go through with it or not but the fact that he felt comfortable enough with me and trusted me enough to share something he said he hadn't shared with anyone except his partner is indeed a privelege...

and some of you will be wondering why i am blogging about it - and i have thought about that - the answer is this: i am feeling extremely fortunate and wanted to share it...also since the blog is cryptic enough and not readily accessible to work colleagues i feel that i can keep both his identity and decision anonymous...

i guess counselling must really be my calling - it never ceases to amaze me how much of a privelege it is to listen to someone sharing their story with me - and i am always humbled when someone chooses to share something very personal to them with me...

to you xxx, may you have confidence in the decisions you make...

strange and bizarre dreams,...

are somewhat commonplace for me, but this morning's series of 3 in a row (admittedly after i'd woken up and gone back to sleep) have got my interest peaked as to what must be going on in my head for it to manifest itself in such a way...

ok so the first one was about a former friend - i blogged about her a while ago...this dream was very vivid and very real (it didn't have the 'dreamlike' quality that some do) - she was sitting in one of the lounge chairs at college and upon seeing her i stopped to chat....interestingly though the whole dream sequence was about me apologising for hurting her, when in reality our friendship ended because i just didn't feel it was two way - it was not an acrimonious ending of a friendship but a grown up and civilized ending - never the less, the dream has me wondering if some small part of me holds myself responsible???

the third dream of course has slipped my mind (mental note to self to write about dreams as soon as i get up - that way they are much fresher and richer in detail)...but the second dream i remember quite well! ben and i were in some sort of queue and they were handing out free textbooks (weird i know!) to people standing in a circle...every time they went around they missed out both ben and i even though we could see that there were enough text books for everybody - i remember feeling very frustrated in the dream and angry that they wouldn't give us a textbook - actually there were 3 or 4 different textbooks...

the 3rd dream still hasn't come back to me - perhaps it will throughout the day...

the most interesting part to me is what the dreams mean - see as a trainee counsellor who has a passing interest in psychodynamic therapy and dream analysis, i'm fascintated by what these dreams say....so i guess instead of studying today (i can always find a reason not to!) i may find myself going over and over these dreams in my head and trying to work out what they mean!

karma is a wonderful thing...

sometimes when things seem bad it seems like the only thing that keeps me going - an absolute faith that the universe will make things right....

well today, karma came around big for someone who made my professional life a nightmare and whilst i know i shouldn't be happy to see this person's role get eliminated/cut in half, i feel in many ways that it is vindication...

see just over a year ago i applied for a really big job - i didn't get it (which was actually a good thing - see it wasn't really what i wanted to do and i knew that eventually the job would not exist) - the person who got it was not only not the best person for the job, but a terrible people leader and in fact one of the most un-inspiring people i have ever come across...not only that, in my previous interactions with him he was rude, arrogant and condescending...

add to that the fact that he made my life working for him hell, made all sorts of unreasonable demands on my people, and virtually accused me and my team of having no integrity in the way we supported our customer...idiot!

well today the organisation i work for has announced some massive changes - pretty much changes that we all knew were coming...as a result his job (ie the one i didn't get) no longer exists in it's current form and in fact, is essentially my old job!

honestly, it's hard for me to contain my gratitude to the universe and karmic forces today...just proves what i already knew....what goes around comes around....

in my experience it's not often that one is there to witness the 'coming around' but when you are, it's absolutely worth it!

it hasn't been a great

week if i'm being honest and i'm wondering how to handle it all....kinda wish i was seeing my therapist as i know she would be a great person to talk to (mental note to self: make an appointment to see her)...

guess i didn't really see it coming (altho i probably should have) and that's not the bad thing - the fact that something is happening isn't the problem - what i'm struggling with is how to handle the feelings it evokes in me and not making the problem worse?

truth is i never thought it would be easy - i just wish i knew what to do!

i'm hoping time will tell...

for some women the pill

has been a revelation - for the rest of us it's more like a revolution...a revolution i can only liken to a rollercoaster ride...the constant mood swings, the marked change in libido, the crying at the drop of a hat, and a variety of other non mentionable symptoms that i hadn't expected - even though the booklet that comes with this particular pill lists the many and varied possible symptoms, i didn't expect them to happen to me - guess we never do!

made me realise why i had been defiant and adamant in my decision over the years not to take the pill - with good reason it would seem....really given how crap i have felt for almost the entirety of the 2 months i have been back on it, it's no wonder i haven't taken it for well over 10 years - it's just not that good for your body to daily take hormones it's not meant to have...

so i'm gonna have to find another means of contraception which is something of a bummer - with all it's downside it was the easy option...

i feel terrible

and right now i can't stop replaying it over and over in my head and wishing i'd handled it differently - i have been trying to work out what i would say to a friend in the same circumstances but it's not working...

see i had the most wonderful weekend with ben, woke up and had a lovely morning with him - that is until i got to the kitchen to find lastnight's desert still on the kitchen counter, uncovered...

sounds stupid right - and you know what? it is! but instead of calmly saying something like 'babe would you mind not leaving food on the counter as i have a bit of a cockroach problem from time to time' i screamed (possibly PMT induced by I am loathe to use that as an excuse for my poor behaviour) something like 'fuck, we can't leave food on the counter.......cockroaches.....etc'

i feel terrible - i am so conscious of not talking to him like i see other people talk to their partners, and i guess there will be times when it might a) be warranted or b) inevitable, but i'm pretty sure this morning is not one of those times...now i am consumed with wishing i could take those words back...

see he's one of the most thoughtful people i know - he's always helpful and not begrudgingly - he does so much for me but something this morning just made me see red...

i guess this is all about being assertive rather than aggressive, and i know that's always something i have struggled with...and here is the lesson! why is it so much easier to behave badly and apologise later than not behaving badly and having nothing to apologise for???

and none of this is the worst of it: the worst of it is my words (my stupid reactionary non thought out words) have hurt the person i love most in the world - and all over a fucking apple and berry crumble...

sooo i think i'm gonna have a bad day - going over and over and over it in my head - which actually isn't gonna change a thing - if only it would...so to my ben - i know i've said sorry and i truly mean it - but if you read this then please forgive me...

bit stumped for something to

write about tonight - not that it's ever stopped me before and usually once i start typing i find some little soapbox to climb onto....

i'm not really inclined to have a whinge tonight so that rules out a coupla things that happened during the week - you know the sort of things that just make you shake your head and wonder what the hell sort of upbringing the person must have had to make them behave in such a way....

maybe i'll talk about goodbyes or should we say au revoirs...see tonight i went to the farewell drinks party for 3 guys i worked with when i was in IT...one in particular has become a good and dear friend and someone who i learned an enormous amount from as well as having a lot of fun with...and i guess it wasn't until we hugged goodbye that it really hit me...

he's actually leaving the company where i work - and it's kinda weird as i left the IT team about 8 months ago and that was kinda sad - see they'd kinda become my family at work whilst i was there - you know what i'm talking about right? and simon was the 'head' of the family hierarchically speaking...so even though i left the family, he was still around...but now he's not gonna be around anymore and for as long as i've been at work so has he - so you see, it's really NOT going to be the same without him...

i remember when i first met him - i had missed out on a senior finance role in one area but the guy who would become my boss told me he had another role i might be suited for (see i'd done IT finance before) - so simon and i had our interview which consisted of me trying to keep up with him round the domain as he smoked and we chatted - an hour passed, we got back to work and he turned to me and said 'so you want the job?' - we hadn't talked about financial management at all!!! guess that's when i knew he was a good bloke...actually all we talked about was people - i guess pretty much right away i felt like he got me - this doesn't happen all the time (as evidenced by some knob tonight at drinks who told me he thought i had a branding problem coz he doesn't see me as 'soft and fluffy' - as if HR people are actually soft and fluffy???)

so simon and i worked together for 4 years - sounds like a long time but honestly the time flew - the area we looked after changed so much in that time it wasn't really like doing the same job for 4 years - in that time we did some pretty amazing work together, had some fun and learned heaps! it's one of the nicest times in my career really...

so to you macca - thanks for the support, the fun times and for the odd drink here and there - you won't be forgotten and i will be seeing you...

what a difference

a day makes! the old platitude 'this will surely pass' is so true! and i would do well to remember that whenever i have the sort of day i had yesterday....and not to say that i think my feelings were invalid or not real (in the moment they were VERY real)...

something else i have also realised is that possessing the ability to be understanding of someone else's feelings and needs and assertive of one's own needs simultaneously is a definite advantage...it's very easy to project your own stuff onto someone else in the guise of 'i am being assertive', it's another thing entirely to have a rational and adult conversation about what is going on...and to actually resolve what is going on...

i know that some of these lessons have taken me a long time to learn (and not having had any practice at that for a long period of time hasn't helped) but i am pretty sure that it's all starting to come together...and you know what: it makes the wait well worthwhile...

here's hoping that for both ben and i days like yesterday are few and far between - what i do know is that when they do occasionally pop up, we will have each other to get through it :-)

something to be said for having someone to share things with - it is definitely under rated!