i've been sick...

and i am not liking it one little bit! guess it could be coz i've had a lot not only on my mind but on my plate of late, so i'm hoping once this weekend is out of the way (and not that i want to get it over and done with, but there are a few stressors in there!) i can just find some normality in my life again...that will involve eating better, getting back into an exercise routine, and hopefully kissing my seemingly permanent sinus headache goodbye...

see ben is meeting not only my parents this weekend when we go to canberra for my uncle's wife's 60th (and no, she's not my aunty!!!), but my aunt and uncle (the english ones who are staying tomorrow night and fri night in sydney with me), i'm meeting his parents saturday on the way down there - so it's a big weekend of 'meeting the parents' and it's a little anxiety provoking...not that i think they won't like him (how could they not) but i'm just having some 'oh fuck' moments! it's been a LONG time since i liked anyone enough to take them home, i think that they will have in their head some picture of who they expect me to be with (except my dad, who will be happy as long as i am - and i am!) and it might not look like ben (maybe i'll be wrong, maybe this is just something i've made up...either way i'm a little anxious...

see my mum is kinda acting like she's in denial that i have a boyfriend and i guess i'm not taking that too well...it's a bit too deep and right now, close to the bone to post about, but i'm kinda hurt that she isn't appearing (at least from where i'm sitting) to be taking too much of an interest and i kinda hoped/thought that after MANY years of singledom she might actually be happy that i've met someone - and not just someone, but someone i really like and makes me really happy...

anyway, guess i'll be doing plenty of deep breathing (if that doesn't work there's always vodka...), trying to remember who i am and what's important to me, attempting no projection of my fears whatsoever (re a previous post, we know how dangerous that can be) and just be myself...which right now is the HAPPIEST i have ever been...

so what started out as an ordinary...

sunday absolutely did not end up being ordinary! and by ordinary i don't mean to imply that it wasn't good...no, what i mean is that when the day started, i guess i couldn't have anticipated some of what was going to unfold...

so you know i've been pre-occupied of late and that has had something of an impact on the time i would normally dedicate to study...this is nothing but a statement of fact and in no way an allocation of blame as i have willingly given in to the mental pre-occupation with a certain someone...what it means though is that yesterday morning (the morning i had chosen to video my counselling role play with a very close friend) i was feeling extremely unprepared! and i can tell you that unpreparedness is not a state of being that i like...

now i am not OCD (as someone has jokingly or otherwise pointed out to me of late), but i am a big fan of being prepared for things, for having put the requisite amount of time and effort into things - after all, i am the only one disappointed when i don't meet my own expectations, albeit very high and sometimes ridiculously unachievable ones!!

actually that's complete and utter crap: the voice in my head (which sounds mysteriously like my mother telling me that i didn't do well enough) also tends to (uninvited) take up residence in my head at these times, which only serves to reinforce my own disappointment...

so anyway, i digress! i was unprepared (well by my standards anyway) and figured that the session (the aim of which was to demonstrate a certain counselling technique) would not actually go that well...also as i was 'counselling' a friend, i wasn't sure how comfortable it would be a) for her to be very open with me in that context and b) how i might cope if she did in fact get upset about anything...

so imagine my surprise when not only does the session go really well but i feel confident, empathic and i listen well, but she clearly gets some valuable insights from our short 25 minute session and tells me that it was really helpful...she also said she thinks i will make a great counsellor :-)

when i look back over the day the things that stand out most are this: what a wonderful friend kk is, how much she must trust me to have shared with me some of her 'stuff' (and whilst we are best friends and have shared much in our 5 year friendship, we have shared nothing in a counselling context before yesterday), how hard it was for me to sit by and watch her talk about some painful memories/experiences, how different friendship is to counselling, how privileged i felt at being allowed to share in some of her experiences...but the best things to come out of yesterday were an appreciation for having her in my life (thanks chic, i love ya) and the knowledge that i know that i am ABSOLUTELY on the right path...i have always admired people who gave up seemingly good paying sensible 'real' jobs to follow their dream. now i know why they do it!

the other conversation i had yesterday (this one with Ben) is also noteworthy - we were talking about something that had happened earlier in the day that wasn't particularly good for either of us, but as is our way rather than pretend it didn't happen, we actually talk about it - and what came up for me was this: that maybe just maybe the voice in your head never really goes away we just get better at not listening to it...can that be true? does it ever actually go away?

and this one is for ben...

and i know it's not his favourite photo of us but i love it! and you don't look evil...you look happy....and i'm just doing what you asked and putting a photo from our manly trip on my blog...(looking all innocent like!)

it's kinda funny as even though it may look as though we are on a boat (due to the odd angle the photo is taken at), we are not! we were simply doing a self portrait which as you may or may not know is not always as easy as it sounds! so many things to contend with! the wind (blowing madly so i'm doing my best to take a photo before my hair is a complete 'bad hair day', trying to get a photo where we both look good and neither of us is appearing as though we have multiple chins (guess i fucked that up coz i definitely have the makings of a double chin in this photo - go figure, i still love it!), and trying not to laugh when the people walking past look at us like we are crazy...

don't people remember what the new stage of a relationship is like? you know the part when pretty much you only have eyes for each other and the rest of the world seems to fade into insignificance.....we both know it's not gonna last forever, so who can blame us for enjoying it???

ps photo subsequently removed to protect my identity!

i've mentioned ben a few times

so i figured at some point i should get a photo of him on here so that you know he's real...and now you can see for yourself, he's definitely real (yep, it's a surprise to me too sometimes!)...so this is us all dressed up for a 40th a couple of weeks ago - not bad hey???

i'm sorry to have to tell you this...

but leadership seems to be dying a slow and painful death...

and how do i know this? well i've kinda suspected this was the case for some time - my own experiences with 'leadership' have been largely poor attempts by managers (and even then i am compelled to use the term loosely) to 'lead' a team of people to the so called 'destination'...

seriously, have people missed the point entirely? leadership isn't about getting people to do a whole bunch of stuff (well, sure there is a very small part of it that is getting stuff done)...it's about so much more. it's about being human, being real, being genuine and taking time to get to know each and every person in a team and what drives them, sometimes it about listening, sometimes it's about teaching/coaching, sometimes it's about supporting, sometimes it's even about being humble, and sometimes it's about having courage...

it is NOT working them into the ground on crap that is a) not contextualised for them or b) is of no apparent value...it's not about getting them to work 15 hour days repeatedly so that they are exhausted (both mentally and physically) and frankly starting to resent turning up to work, it's not about never questioning what your boss (also an idiot who wouldn't know what leadership was if it smacked him in the head) about what is being asked of you...

i'm beginning to wonder if leadership is a skill that can be taught or actually if it's more innate than that - i'm leaning towards it being a kind of 'you're either born with it or you're not kinda thing'...i find it a little weird that organisations invest millions of dollars each year in so called leadership training, and given that i have changed careers to get into this area, it's kinda weird that i am now on the soapbox about it!

something hit me tonight! i wonder if organisations consider spending more on their recruitment practices and succession planning with a view to not only targeting the right people but indeed promoting them, then maybe the investment in leadership won't be as great - not to say that i don't think it's worth investing in (i absolutely do), but surely it would be more beneficial if it was directed at a bunch of people who actually had half of chance of getting it...not the people who get the job done (and there are plenty of them) by trampling over anyone who happens to be on the path, not the people who don't know what integrity means, not those who've forgotten that they are human beings and not human doings...

so i'm sorry to say, the evidence continues to mount - good leaders are a dying breed :-(

on the edge

is the only way i can describe how i was feeling lastnight...

which is kinda weird given how well ALL areas of my life are going right now - this is probably the FIRST time in my entire life that I feel happy about EVERYTHING that is going on...of course I have had many periods of happiness, but largely they have been limited to 1 or 2 areas of my life! right now, i have every area (well, at least those that are important to me) going well! so then i was worried - why would i be feeling like this? and it's not like i can even articulate how i was feeling - all i know is that as i was lying in bed, in Ben's arms, and something just didn't feel right!

so i spent a large part of this morning in 'reflection' and 'analysis' mode in a vain attempt to identify what was actually going on...good news is that it 'was' rather than 'is' going on - i woke up this morning with a headache and sore throat, but otherwise ok and reminding myself that whatever it was that was going on would be far better off not being projected onto Ben (or anyone else for that matter)...see a couple of weekends ago we had a really good conversation about fear! his fear, my fear etc and what we talked about was the fact that if you are experiencing fear, and don't share it or discuss it, then there is a big chance the fear you are experiencing but too scared to talk about will actually end up becoming 'projected' onto the person anyway, and then things invariably not only not go how they might otherwise have done, but in my case, usually go to shit!

a great revelation (a little sad that it took me 39 years and hours and hours of therapy to finally get that) and one that has served me well in the last few weeks (with Ben, and even at work - I find myself asking myself what my motivations are for saying certain things to people and whether it's me saying something which is really only to alleviate something i'm feeling or whether i'm being genuine! as an example, a former friend is obviously having a tough time of things and i considered contacting her to see how she's going, but really i don't think my intentions were above board - given we had a friendship that was at times competitive, there was a small part of me that actually only wanted to contact her so i could tell her i'd met someone - good news is, i realised that was not exactly fair and more about me so i didn't...and please don't read this as something i am proud to admit (coz i'm not) but it's a recent example to illustrate what i'm trying to articulate here...

sooooo i'm not really sure if what was going on lastnight was PMT, the cold i am working hard to fight off, the fact that i have been mad busy the last 2 weeks at work doing my bosses job and am mentally exhausted, or just the fact that in the last 6 weeks i have not managed to find time for myself, time when i would reflect on certain things in my life, and maybe just maybe that has in some way contributed to whatever was going on lastnight...bottom line is this: i don't really know EXACTLY what was going on but what i do know is that it wasn't good (part of me wonders if some of my old 'stuff' is coming up??) it felt very uncomfortable and a little unsettling...

of course the very rational level headed part of me just assumed there had been a full moon lastnight, which of course explains EVERYTHING, but no, there wasn't...

wrong, wrong, wrong...

there is simply no other way to describe it - wrong is the only way i know how to describe what i'm about to tell you...

so i've been working at one of our city offices the last few weeks...in fact i usually work there every week on a wednesday but for the last fortnight whilst my boss has been away i've been here everyday, which means that every day when i walk in i am confronted by something that has caused me to feel increasingly disturbed and i have meant to blog about it before but i kinda forgot (you already know i've been pre-occupied...)

but this morning i am walking past this guys desk for maybe the 3rd time today and i am now compelled to write about it as it's got me wondering: am i the only one who is worked up by this sort of stuff or am i being super sensitive? am i mental? (don't answer that unless you can be nice!) am i the only one who finds this stuff inappropriate??? anyway, whatever is going on for me i'm gonna write about it and you can be the judge...

so the problem is this: a guy at work has photos of his children on his desk and i find them offensive...

of course you are reading this thinking 'what is her problem, don't all good dad's have photos of their children on their desks?'...yep, well all good dads probably do

but i ask you, do all good dads have photos of their young girls (and by young i mean neither of them is more than 7 years old) on their desks where they are a) wearing makeup b) posing in a rather sexual and frankly inappropriate ways and c) looking like child prostitutes????

methinks not! frankly i am incensed that someone (and perhaps it's not him but his wife) not only dresses/grooms their young girls in such a way but then feels perfectly comfortable having those photos (and i'm not just talking small discreet photos, nooooo big A4 sized glossies in rather imposing photo frames) on his desk, at work...

do you think that is right??

i'm a little distracted...

and i know it's why i haven't been writing the blog as often as i'd like...and don't get me wrong, this is not a complaint, merely an observation and in many ways it's kind of my way of expressing surprise! surprise that 4 whole days have passed since i last posted and i can't believe it's been that long...

it's true what they say: time really does fly when you are having fun, and i AM having fun, in fact i'm having the MOST fun i've had in a long time...

so in addition to the fun i'm having with a certain someone, something else (which given the last few years, actually not years, but winter football seasons..) is kinda remarkable - yep, all three of my football teams won this weekend! two of them won back to back games...and whilst this is good, there is one part of this story i'm not happy about

see, i'm usually the one to get my arse to melbourne to take my nephew to the carlton games and i've taken him to either 2 or 3 games now and they are yet to post a win whilst we are there - so friday, my sister calls me abot 5pm to tell me she has 4 tickets to the MCG to see melbourne v's carlton - and i'm kinda torn - actually that's crap, i'm not torn at all, but still, would have liked to have gone...

so my dad flies down to melbourne to take my nephew (his grandson) to the game and not only is it a nice sunny (read not fucking cold and pissing down rain like it is every time i go there) day but the blues win! yep, not just a one point win either, a 30 or so point margin at full time which at 3/4 time was 50 points! and i'm sitting in my lounge room watching it unfold when i could have been there...bloody typical! so now daniel is gonna remember that the first time he saw the blues win i wasn't there :-(

guess it serves me right for letting myself get distracted...

sometimes i amaze myself...

so you know i've been a little pre-occupied of late right? and i guess that has meant a rather huge dint in my previously seemingly endless 'free time' which consequently has drastically reduced my study time...

now this is something i'm not proud of - i love the course i am studying and usually have no problems finding 3 hours here and there to do the readings and until now, have not had any issue with spending the 2 or 3 weekends immediately prior to an assignment being due, researching the topic and then writing something akin (at least in my humble opinion) to a masterpiece (which is something of a hangover from my childhood where i was operating under some misapprehension that anything less than perfect was simply not good enough)...

so you can imagine my surprise when i get home lastnight and find my 2nd assignment in the mail (the educators mark them and then post them to us)...i hesitated before opening it, fearing the worst, meaning a credit...i have NO idea what i will do if i ever just scrape in with a pass...which used to be something i used to pride myself on whilst studying my undergrad degree...which admittedly was accounting so why anyone would want to exert any energy getting more than 51% is beyond me - was then, and is now!

so i open it and quickly jump to the bottom right hand side of the page (old habits die hard!) and to my absolute delight i see 38/50 and the word Distinction???

how can that be possible? seriously, how can it? i wrote this assignment in less than a day...admittedly it was a journal and self reflection so no time required to research (well not in the usually detailed way) and even better, no bloody need to do the reference list...is it me, or does EVERYONE hate doing the referencing???

anyway, not only did i get a great (and unexpected) mark for this paper, here's what my educator wrote:

'Miss Sarah I would like to read your 1st published novel, you are an engaging writer. This is good, honest, beautifully written, very human and linked to theories and models'

seriously, i amaze myself...

walking in a straight line...

ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh...

i'm pretty sure there is only ONE person in the whole world who will laugh at that...

can't get those words out of my head! i have been singing that song (you know the new silverchair song) ALL day - i went to bed listening to it, i woke up thinking about it, i listened to it on the train (over and over and over again), then on the way home, and a few times since i got home - i think i might be obsessed

do you think that makes me crazy? or do i just love it? or has it actually become more than just a song i love hearing, but a song that reminds me of someone, and how much he loves it too???

we didn't win the $19m...

but we DID have a fabulous weekend together just hanging out...we did in fact win about $100 (not bad for a $16.70 investment)...the Blues finally got a win (and over those feral Pies...) and someone bought me series 1 of Criminal Minds on DVD...

is there no end to his thoughtfulness? methinks not...and this is defiantly NOT a complaint, but a statement of wonder, about how I could be so fortunate as to have found him out there in the big wide world, not so long after a time when i thought i might NEVER meet anyone who understood me, and liked me for exactly who i am...

it was a good weekend (most sports results aside...) - i can't remember spending 60 hours with someone and not once wishing for some time on my own or thinking about all the things i should be doing instead of just 'being' with him...and it's not like we did anything 'exciting' (what does that mean anyway - i hate it when people say 'did you get up to anything exciting?' - implies that doing normal everyday stuff isn't - guess it's a mindset thing!) but it was lovely...

he did however, help me clean my ridiculously filthy balcony, re-arrange the furniture out there, and hang up a new wall piece - it now looks FABULOUS...

i am seriously in like with him, i can't imagine him not being around and i look forward to every moment we have together - the honeymoon phase (and i kinda hope it's not a phase!) is precious to me, i find myself cherishing every moment with him, and not even $19m could make me as happy as I am right now...

the humaneness of some people needs

rediscovering, and i say rediscovering as distinct from discovering as i believe that we are all born with it - it's our experiences and our environment that shape us and in some cases mean that we are no longer capable of accessing that innate skill that i am sure is in us all...until it isn't...

so i'm sure you are wondering why i'm writing about this? and so am i a little, but lastnight ben and i watched one of his favourite movies (american history x, starring the amazing mr edward norton - is there no end to that man's talent and versatility?) and truth is it made me feel sad. really really sad, not just 'i'm having a bad day sad' but sad enough it made me cry and think about a whole lot of stuff in my life that i guess i hadn't thought about for ages...and i just couldn't stop crying, felt like a wave of sadness kept breaking over me, again and again and again...

so i did cry, in ben's arms and that actually made me realise that his humaneness in that moment made me feel better even though i have struggled over the years in letting someone else behind the inpenetrable wall i've constructed to avoid getting hurt...so lastnight was actually a good thing for me. see i realised that i can be vulnerable and it is ok! see vulnerable is something i'm not really good at and i know why and actually he knows why...guess the whole experience of crying was cathartic and i felt as though so much of what i was crying about had been building, for a long time...seemed like years of grieving for some of the things i wish had been different in my life...and don't get me wrong, this isn't me regretting stuff - on the contrary, i don't regret any of the things that caused me sadness lastnight, other than that they happened to me...i guess at the time, the humaneness of a few had in fact deserted them...

guess we all have things that make us sad from time to time, our crosses to bear, you know the things people say 'make you stronger'...yeah well, guess that was me just acknowledging how i was feeling about the various 'crosses' in my life and me working through trying to make the best of it...and i kinda hope that my 'making the best of it' actually ends up helping a whole lot of other people rediscover their lost humaneness...

if we win the $19m lotto draw

this weekend here's what we are gonna buy:

a house (actually to quote Ben a 'fuck off house') in Balmoral, near the shop that sells those fabulous burgers, and with a garden so he can have a dog...

two first class air tickets to new york, closely followed by an apartment within walking distance of Saks and the Met...

a lifetime supply of watermelon crushes from Boost...

Ben is gonna go to Mick Simmons and get them to tailor make me a Bulldogs jumper, coz he's worked out that they don't make girly ones and i will NOT wear a mans footy jumper...

invest some money for a rainy day...

two tickets to the top of the Eiffel Tower...

i might consider giving up my life as a corporate prostitute so i can study fulltime and spend my time doing what i wanna be doing...

a pillow that goes the whole width of the bed so there is never a crack...

if there's any money left over i might consider adding the Crime channel to my foxtel package...

anyway, we're probably not gonna win and that's fine...and it's fine coz someone thinks that he already has the thing he likes most in the world anyway :-)

do you think it's kinda weird

that my mum seems to be having difficulty referring to Ben as either Ben or my boyfriend...

now i'm wondering if this is some affliction that only affects those who have given birth...in any other person i might think it was jealousy or worse, indifference...but i just can't work it out...

now i realise i have been single FOREVER and so it's kinda weird for anyone in my life to adjust to me having found someone, i get it, honestly i do! and you know why: coz i'm adjusting to it too...and don't get me wrong i'm not having any trouble adjusting to it (on the contrary he seems to have become a part of my day to day life really quickly...) but i am in a period of adjustment...

now my sister is married, and before that admittedly only had 2 boyfriends (the dickhead before her husband, and then her husband), and i'm pretty sure she didn't refer to them as sam's friend...i've even had boyfriends before (yes, yes i know, light years ago) and she's called them by name, so i am kinda stumped about what must be going on now?

and yes, i know it's only been a month, and yes, i know he's a lot younger than me, i'm well aware that he doesn't meet the 'criteria' i've had in my head for years and a small part of me thinks it might be the criteria they expect of someone i'm with (the same criteria my therapist chose to point out to me last week had not exactly been successful...thx toni!). he's met some of my dearest friends, and i've asked him to come to my uncle's wife's 60th (in canberra, where he'll actually get to meet the parents...)...oh my god, i've asked him to something where he will have to meet my parents...am i mad? have i completely lost the plot? am i sure he's ready to be put through that??

sooooo i wonder, when she actually meets him, is she gonna say 'hi ben' or is she gonna say 'hi sarah's friend'??

daylight savings has ended for another year, but when will the pain

from another weekend of football hell end??? seriously, that is the only way i can describe the weekend that has now ended...Brumbies thumped despite looking like a comeback at some point in the 2nd half, Bulldogs thumped and I hate to admit it, absolutely outclassed by those bloody Chooks, Blues not thumped but lost all the same, and not just lost, but to the Bombers (which would only be worse if it were the ferral Pies)...is there no end to my football pain???

on another, and entirely unrelated note, i had the most FABULOUS weekend with my new boyfriend (which sounds kinda weird, not coz he isn't, but because it's even hard for me to think in those terms, in my head!)...see lastnight was our first 'official outing' as a couple and we were both a little bit nervous (for entirely different reasons)...

so we glam up (one of my friends wives is celebrating her 40th) for an evening of 'casino royale', which can i say, was great! fabulous party and the theme and resulting activities made for a fun evening - how else can you lose $30,000 playing poker without really spending a cent???

went a lot better than i thought it would (and don't get me wrong, i didn't think it would be a problem but i was worried how he might react to the probing questions of a certain few - didn't happen!)...thank you universe!

biggest issue of the night was actually my own discomfort - see the friend i've blogged about recently was there with his new girlfriend and it was a little weird - haven't really said that to anyone, but it was - our usual banter was obviously missing and the conversation was both stilted and 'shallow' (or if not shallow, lacking the depth of people who have been friends for nearly 20 years) - not once did he ask me how i was (he did say how great i looked which is perhaps his way of assuming i am good coz i looked so good??...) - kinda hurtful though...the other thing was my usually warm and bubbly self was not there when he introduced me to his new girlfriend and i fear i may have come across as something less than happy to meet her, which of course i wasn't, i just wasn't very comfortable in his presence...

as it getting towards that time when we wanted to go home, we said our goodbyes (including to the two of them) and his new girlfriend suggested that 'next time it was at their's' - i'm assuming that means they are inviting us to the new pad...mmm not sure how i feel about that...so him and i say our goodbyes, painfully uncomfortable, as if we were ex's who haven't seen each other since the breakup, although that couldn't be further from the truth, he asks when i'm in town next, i tell him, he says bye to Ben (and whispers in his ear "look after her")...so it seems like he cares about me, doesn't it?

who knows? anyway, i digress! what i wanted to talk about was how much i enjoyed having someone (and not just someone, but someone special, and in particular Ben) to go to a party with...i know that i absolutely had a better time with him there - lastnight is such a quantum leap from where i found myself only seven weeks ago (read Acutely Single)...i hope that my future holds a multitude of fabulous evenings in his company and even more weekends together with him as my special someone...

the rudeness of some

people never ceases to amaze me...

and you are of course wondering what got me on this little soapbox...and since there's absolutely no chance that the person who was rude to me will read this, i feel i can divulge a little...

sooo this is someone i have worked with (on and off) for about 4 years - she and i used to be part of the same broader team, although i was always hierarchically, one level up from her...she is someone who i find cold and rude and have never managed to form any sort of bond with - even when she did my job (i went away for 5 weeks last year) and we spent a large amount of time prior to me going (by way of a handover), i never managed to penetrate her cool exterior - despite my efforts...see i'm kinda a relationship person - i'm much more interested in hearing about what makes someone tick and their 'life outside of work' than i am of just talking about the spreadsheet that's due next week (of course that is my old life...)...

now i know there are people out there who just don't like me! and she's one of them, and i'm perfectly ok with that - i am not everyone's cup of tea, just like everyone is not my cup of tea - however i do try hard to be courteous and respectful and show a modicum of human decency towards people, even those i don't like! sure i won't be warm and mushy with them, but my intention is not to be rude!

sooo she is now (and this is weird) the same level as me (not coz she was promoted, but i took a step back to make a career change) and happens to be the finance person supporting the business i support from an HR perspective....small world hey!

so we have been doing a piece of work and our input was to be sent to finance to consolidate and so when i sent my input to her i copied in (via email - isn't everything in corporate life done by email these days??) the business people who had actually given me the data...so i have tuesday off, i get back to work on wed morning to find she has emailed me the questions she has (some of which are frankly things she could have worked out for herself if her head wasn't so far up her arse...)....doesn't sound so bad right!

so the issue i have is this - the files she sends me are so big they crash the computer i'm working on, i am in meetings from 9am til 3pm that day and she wants the info back by 3pm...kinda impossible, so as i walk past her desk i do what i think is the courteous thing to do and tell her that i'm in meetings until 3pm, that we don't want to miss her deadine, and would she mind just forwarding the emails she has sent me to the same people i copied as they will be the ones providing the answers...

she glares at me, and says 'i don't have time to do that, i'll just zip the files and you can email them'...

no 'thanks for giving me an update, appreciate you trying to get this done even though you'll be in meetings for 6 hours straight'...

seriously, how fucking hard is it to resend 2 emails to a few people???

actually as i've gotten older i've realised a couple of things! that most people's rudeness is usually nothing to do with the person they are being rude to, and that i have managed to develop some empathy for people who are rude, as i'm sure the reason they do it is they are so unhappy in themselves and so dissatisfied with life, the only way they get any glimmer of pleasure in their sad miserable lives is to be rude to someone else, so momentarily someone else feels bad and they look better...how so many people get through life without understanding this most basic of concepts is beyond me...

i'm feeling special...

here's a rundown of my last day and a half...

got up later than normal tuesday as i had day off to start (and finish!) and assignment due lastnight, got stuck into assignment, didn't do a bad job, showered around midday, grabbed a sausage roll (from the french patisserie - yum!) and diet coke for lunch (not exactly healthy but i was studying..), did some more work, got a text asking me if i'd like to be distracted, ben arrives a few hours later with a box of chocolates (sweet...)

we chat for a little while, i continue with my assignment whilst he sits and browses through a chemistry book i have from first year uni (until he can't keep quiet any longer and we get talking about valency - riveting stuff i hear you say!), then i finish my assignment, spend a wee bit of time with him on the couch before i tear myself away to attend school, he asks me if he can pack my dinner before i go, or if there is anything he can do whilst i'm gone (i'm kinda incredulous right - not just sweet, but thoughtful and something i know is gonna be a hard habit to break), i leave him on the couch having given him instructions on how to navigate the foxtel remote control and leave the house thinking how nice it's gonna be to come home to someone...yes i'll say it again as it's kinda hard to believe it's happening to me - i'm thinking how nice it's gonna be to come home to someone!!! actually, not that's not true, not just someone, him :-)

so i get home around 9.30pm, he's sitting on the balcony (in the dark i might add), i go out there, kiss him, sit down and we chat...then he tells me (of course i didn't notice coz it was dark!) that he's cleaned the balcony (now i'm not sure whether i had previously told him that this was my most hated job) for me...words are simply not enough to describe what was going on inside of me...

so, we get ready for bed and this bit i find kinda weird, as no matter how long you have been seeing someone or how exciting it is being together, there is always going to be an element of 'spending the night together' that's kinda unromantic...you know him sitting on the end of the bed chatting to you as you floss your teeth, or sharing the sink to brush your teeth...

anyway, i digress! we get ready for bed, get into bed, finally sleep better (both of us are adjusting to the spending the night scenario and for the last 2 weeks have virtually wandered the planet like sleep deprived zombies), and when he wakes up he turns to me, kisses me good morning, has a shower and then (and this is the perfect bit) makes me a cup of tea which he brings to me in bed...

could my morning have started any more perfectly???

i keep wondering if i'm gonna

wake up from a fabulous dream...

really, the line between reality and dream state is becoming increasingly blurry and a part of me is wondering if what is going on is actually happening, coz it feels really really good and really really right, or whether it's a little story (kinda like a play) that i am conveniently writing inside my head...