i was wrong...

apparently 'simmer down' is actually an expression! ben and i were talking about it the other day and we both agreed it was not really correct grammar, but i've just checked the macquarie dictionary (which i do regard as being a reliable source of the truth) and the 5th and final entry is this:

simmer down, colloquial to become calm or calmer....

go figure! who would have thought i would have got that wrong, a wannabe novelist and all??? guess it doesn't really matter that much coz the point of this story is not actually that i was wrong (that happens from time to time) but is that i actually had someone to talk to about it...he's lovely, he really is and i've resisted posting about him as i'm not one to gush or carry on about it publicly, but since a lot of my time when i'm not with him is pre-occupied with thinking about him, or the last thing he said to me, it's kinda hard not to mention him...

the old me wouldn't have mentioned it (you know this already from a post a couple of weeks ago) as i was afraid that talking about it might fuck it up, but i think i can safely say, that does NOT seem to be true...there is really no evidence to suggest that, none at all, so maybe now i have figured that out, i can leave that old belief behind where it belongs! in my past...

now on an entirely different note, imagine this scene:

school morning, we wake up kinda simultaneously, he leans over, smiles and kisses me good morning, we kiss, a long lingering kiss and he licks his lips, i laugh, he says he's gonna lick his lips all day so he doesn't forget what i taste like, and then he says (and i love this bit) that when people ask him what he's doing (coz i'm figuring he's gonna get some funny looks if he goes round licking his lips all day...) he's gonna say 'none of your business, fuck off'...

so really, i wasn't just wrong about the expression 'simmer down', turns out i was wrong about so many other things, and maybe just maybe he's gonna help me figure out the difference between 'right' and 'wrong'...

it's official, willpower is not one of my strengths...

seriously, it's not! and don't get me wrong i can be just as determined as the next person, but i seem to find plenty of 'reasons' (actually they are probably more accurately described as excuses) to justify doing whatever it is i'm trying not to do!

so i left work a wee bit early today, having done everything i needed to do and couldn't quite entertain the thought of sticking it out til 5...so i stop at Lane Cove on the way home to pick up a couple of things (mainly eggs as that's about all i had the energy to cook...) and the parking space i find is situated way past Coles (which is where i am heading) and means that I have to walk past not one, but two bookshops...

so i think 'i'll just pop in there to see if i can find that book for Sheila' - who am i kidding? am i delusional enough to think that i wouldn't have gone in anyway...i guess it's a slightly less antisocial addiction than being addicted to crack or ice, but it's an addiction all the same!

so i'm in Dymocks, and feeling right at home, madly looking for this book - problem is whilst i know exactly what it looks like, i have no idea who wrote it and no idea of it's title - kinda weird for someone who loves books as much as me, but hey maybe it's simply that i'm preoccupied with a certain someone and i find myself replaying in my head one of his texts from earlier in the day - but still, i continue madly searching for this book in the grim hope that if i look at almost every book in the shop it will make itself visible...not working!!!

imagine my surprise then when i see a new release by Suri Hustvedt - it takes me about a millisecond to grab it, turn it over and skim over the back cover - i read one of her other books (not her first) in the last year or so and it was amazing...i can honestly say that i enjoyed this book in so many ways it's hard to even articulate just how beautiful and moving it was...it definitely has a place in my all time top ten!

so before you know it, it's tucked under my arm as i continue my search for the book i actually came in to find - i'm obviously looking a bit lost as one of the sales assistants comes up and asks me if she can help...i did the best i could in describing to her what i was looking for, i confess that i know neither the title or the author, which makes her laugh...we spend a couple of minutes together looking to no avail, but of course i still don't leave the shop empty handed...

so now i'm wondering - does willpower get better or worse as we get older? and do we just find more creative excuses, or do we eventually reach a stage when we don't even bother coming up with an excuse...

friendship is apparently not

always a two way street...

remember the other day i blogged about a certain 'old friend' and how he'd hurt me! well, there's more, and i was kinda hoping when i posted about what had happened, i wouldn't be writing a follow up in a similar vein...

so today he emails me asking me when we are catching up for lunch, coz when we spoke the other week he said he wanted to catch up and i said i'd let him know when i was next in town. well you know i've had lots going on and i guess i just haven't had time so his email was a kind of reminder to get in touch

sooo i sent back a reply apologising for not being in touch, saying i'd been busy (in the back of my mind hoping he might actually ask what i'd been so busy with) and that i probably wouldn't see him until a mutual friends 40th next weekend, and of course i added hope you're ok, how's everything going?

so he comes back with some story about his new pad and the antics that his somewhat unstable soon to be ex wife has been up to...and that's it! no how are you sar, what's happening in your life, how's it going with ben etc etc...

so i stew on this for an hour or so - inside i'm screaming - the words what sort of a fucking friend are you running through my head like the words on a teleprompter...so then i figure fuck it, i'm just going to say something...

so i go back with 'i'm really well, thanks for asking!'...

a bit too harsh???

mmm i missed another post...

which is not ideal! especially as the reason i'm supposed to be doing the blog is to write everyday in the hope of finding some inspiration to finish the novels....guess it's had some other effects, namely, that i find it very cathartic, it has really helped me say some stuff that i wouldn't normally say, and it gives me a little time to reflect on what's going on when i do write it - reflection, is kinda like meditation for me...or perhaps it's just an excuse so i don't have to start doing yoga...

honestly though i'm pre-occupied! you know that feeling right? that 'new relationship' sensation where everything you do reminds you of the last moments you spent together, where you can still taste his goodbye kiss on your lips, and when you close your eyes you can remember (with a smile) the last lovely thing he said to you....

not to mention you can't wait to see him again and just thinking about it gives you those butterflies in your stomach and not the nervous butterflies you had before you first met and before your 2nd date, but the butterflies that just float around your insides reminding you that even though you're not a kid anymore, you find yourself counting the number of sleeps until next you meet...

delicious...

more hangups than a wardrobe...was

just one such pearler that i heard on saturday night...see i was in canberra for a few days, and mum took the opportunity to invite our oldest and dearest family friends over for dinner - it was a great night (it always is!) and they were both in fine form - they do come out with some quintessential australian sayings at times...actually it was just after we had regaled them with the 'we met two australians once, they were quite vulgar' which has become something of a family favourite...

as gra was telling a story about this bloke he'd worked with years ago, he used the expression 'he had more hangups than a bloody wardrobe' which as a trainee counsellor i found pretty bloody amusing, AND I'd NEVER heard it before! where have i been???

so the weekend was good, you will have noticed i missed 2 blog posts...oops...one i don't really have an excuse for but lastnights i do! i was still having lunch...i'll admit it was a long lunch, and not the sort of long lunch you may be imaginging, but it did result in me being suitably indisposed and unable to make it to the computer...

on a slightly unrelated topic i think that 2008 is going to be my year! it must be, kirst just told me she could feel it! and i hope she's right! it's been a long wait for some of the wonderful things that are unfolding in my life right now, and the wait has, at times, seemed too much, one where there were times when it was hard to maintain the belief that everything would work out ok (which is one of my fundamental beliefs about our lives) and one where on more than one occasion i struggled with the so called 'lesson' i was supposed to be learning...

so i guess this post is a reflection of the waiting game i feel i've been playing for so long and for the fact that it's prepared me for where i am now, and an appreciation for the fabulous things that are starting to make their way into my life - they say that good things come to those that wait and that the wait makes us appreciate the 'spoils' more and i guess (and i hate to concede this) that they just might be right.....

winter is here...

which is good and bad! bad in that i'm not a big fan of the cold, altho this winter is shaping up to be a little different with the hope of having someone to cuddle up to...and good in that it's footy season! which is good and bad depending on the day...lastnight bad as the blues squandered a 4 goal lead, today good with both the brumbies and the bulldogs winning...

it's bloody cold in canberra, and i did NOT plan my 'packing' very well - read as usually i check the 7 day forecast, but the various pre-occupations of the last few weeks obviously prevented my usually organised self, and so my trip to canberra stadium to see the brumbies was not exactly one of my most well put together (in clothing terms)...

basically i ended up with about 4 layers of clothes, not all of them mine, and none of them really going with any other layer! not exactly a disaster, but seriously...it was 29 degrees when i arrived on wed night and it didn't get above 18 all day today! how could i possibly have factored in those sorts of temperature fluctutations - now if i was going to melbourne different story...

whether it's canberra or melbourne, seems like winter just may well be here...rug up xx

vodka, valium or does the occasion call for both?

i know i know, you are reading the subject line thinking that you knew i was a little crazy but not a drug addict with an alcohol problem! then again, for those of you who know me well, you'll know the vodka valium combo is one of my all time favourites...

the last week or so has been bloody hardgoing (bar a couple of hours with a certain someone yesterday) and i'm drained... you know what i mean right? that feeling of complete and utter exhaustion which eventually becomes delirium and then a crashing feeling as you feel the effects of the adrenaline rush you've been living on start to fade...

so i came home to canberra lastnight, thinking that my making an early getaway from sydney at @ 4pm i would have a dream run! wrong - it took me almost 2 hours to get from darling harbour to campbelltown (well the M5 part of campbelltown) - so you can imagine, it was not looking good, which on any other day might have been ok, but i was REALLY tired...you know the sort of tired where you actually start to feel dizzy and a little disorientated and actually aren't sure that you should be driving!!!

well i got here in one piece (obviously) and had good intentions of having an early night (my parents who i am staying with were out and not due back until 11pm)...so i warmed up some lovely soup, turned on the tv, found nothing but House on and now, sadly, think i have found another show i can claim an addiction to, had a lovely bath and was in bed by 10pm...

so far so good, but then my parents, who are seemingly unable to be quiet or creep around - now i know it's their house, but seriously! how much noise can 2 people make! they seem to think it ok to shout at each other from one end of the house to the other rather than co-locating in the same room to continue whatever conversation they are having, arrive home and i am rudely awakened, and then of course feel i should get up to say hi! which i do - then get roped into talking to my grandparents (in the UK) who are celebrating their 67th wedding anniversary (i think in my valium induced state i say something to my grandmother like "you get less for murder" and "i'll be lucky to hang onto someone for 67 days let alone 67 years" - thankfully she thinks i'm pretty funny so i don't think i've offended her) and then finally after chatting for my folks for about 45 minutes i get back into bed! wide awake! unable to sleep and thoughts of my afternoon with ben playing like a movie trailer running through my head...

i finally get to sleep but as i have to take my car in to have some 'minor surgery' i am rudely awakened by my alarm when all i want to do is turn over and sleep for another 10 hours :-(

so the day is slow - i do what i need to, find time for a nana nap at around 4pm and then get up, feeling even more disorientated, at around 6pm in time to watch carlton play their first round match against richmond, which half way thru the 2nd quarter looks good, and then promptly, turns to shit! it's around this time that i think 'vodka'...

and then as my dad and i continue to watch them lose and i reach for another vodka, i am reminded of something that happened in 2005 when i was visiting my gramps in the UK. see i'd been with them for 4 or 5 days (now i love them dearly, but really, it is tough going being with older people for that amount of time - they (like me) have their routine, and they forget that i'm now an adult, one who holds down a reasonably responsible job, and whilst it's nice occasionally to be pandered to, i wish they would remember that i'm 30 something and no longer 3 years old...

so after i've been there about 4 or 5 days my parents (and a couple of their friends along with my dad's brother and his wife) turn up for 'morning tea' at my gramps on their way to the British Open Golf in Scotland - as you can imagine, i'm delighted to see my parents (having not seen them for a few months given our various travel commitments) and my uncle (he's my favourite) and aunt and delighted that for just one morning the entertainment of my gramps is not ENTIRELY my responsibility...

so it's sounding good right! but then my aunt (who can be hilarious) says to me that i need to tell my grandmother to wear deodorant - see my grandmother wears these nylon blouses mostly (rather than cotton) and like us all, sweats when it's hot (go figure!) and on this particular day it's bloody hot (even by english standards)...so my aunt tells me that it's my 'duty' to tell my grandmother - can you imagine! how does one start such a conversation? seriously, what was she thinking????

anyway, as the 'team' are getting ready to leave and head off, leaving me for another 2 days (which despite how much i love my gramps, seems like an eternity) with my gramps, i hug my dad and tell him that i wish they were staying to help me 'entertain' and he simply says 'two words for you darl: vodka valium'...

gotta tell you, there are times when people come out with things that make you wonder if they know you at all, but i reckon that comment is one of his all time greats...and soooo appropriate for how i was feeling :-)

24 hours on i'm

feeling ok about what i wrote yesterday and realised something else - even if he isn't feeling the same way as me or it doesn't get reciprocated, it's still how i feel and i don't have to pretend it's not real...that in itself is somewhat freeing...

it's been an interesting day - at work there were moments of euphoria and fulfillment coupled with moments of frustration and feeling as though i was being torn every which way - guess that's all in a day's work sometimes, but man i'm tired! i am glad that from 2pm tomorrow, for 5 whole days my time will be my own...i love my job, i love helping people and i love what i'm learning, but there are still some people who just don't get what integrity is and what it is to be humane...

i wonder if the disappointment will ever become something i get used to - then again, why the fuck would i want to get used to people not doing what they say they are going to do or turning situations around to make something that should have been simple, complicated and messy, and in turn hurting people? surely it would be better to either a) try and change it or b) consider not putting up with it at all...

makes me wonder if somewhere (and in some cases deeply buried and bloody hard to find!) we have a button, you know, kinda like a light switch and it doesn't turn a light physically, but metaphorically it turns the light onto someone's lack of self awareness, you know, highlights to them that they aren't demonstrating any, and effectively activates it - now wouldn't that be something??

mmm think we call that wishful thinking! and whilst i'm on the topic of wishful and thinking, i would much prefer to be thinking about the other wishes that are a wee bit closer to my heart...

nite
x

i'm not gonna chicken out...

i'm not, usually i would, but i'm not going to...

so i've kinda met someone, you know that already from the very subtle posts of the last couple of weeks, but i think it's time to get over my usual fear of saying how i feel out loud and give it a go...

seriously, what harm can it do - saying things out loud does NOT jinx how things end up - irrelevant insecurities, irrational fears and the past - that's what jinxes things! why i thought it had anything to do with being honest about how i feel is kinda sad and amazing! for someone so smart, i can be pretty stupid sometimes...

so here it is - i like going to bed knowing that he's thinking about me, i like that i can be myself with him, i like that he thinks i am headstrong (and he likes that about me), i like that he thinks i have an encyclopaedia in my head, i like that he likes my honesty and that i tell it like it is (he has NO idea how much this means to me), i like that we can talk about anything, i like the 'somewhat crazy stories' we write to each other and to top it off i like that he thinks i'm 'pretty damn good looking'...

i am seriously in like with him and i like it...

i'd forgotten how nice it

is to be in the 'getting to know someone phase'....especially when i'm not doing the 'what if....' in my head 300 times a day...

it's nice, i'm enjoying it...

i hope it doesn't end...

did something this morning that i

probably should have done ages ago!

one of my oldest friends and i have kind of grown apart - and i know why and i've really done nothing about it, until today...a mutual friend of ours told me that he's having a particularly difficult time of things so i figured it was time to move forward...

see for years i have probably been his best friend in terms of supporting him thru a crap situation and he is now moving on from that and rebuilding his life (which i'm delighted about btw)...but in the throes of doing that i think he has forgotten that friendship is a two way street...

basically i felt like everytime we talked it was all about him, so much so that a couple of months ago when i was having a really rough time, he called, asked me how i was and when i said not great, he launched into a long conversation about him...

truth is, i was hurt, he hurt my feelings, made me feel unimportant and i guess i sensed an inbalance in our friendship that i hadn't really seen before...and i didn't like it!

now this is the other thing - i have (naughtily) bitched about how he behaved to two other mutual friends and i kept thinking that instead of telling them i should be telling him how i feel...but truth is i just couldn't bring myself to do it...

so today i sent him a text, just saying hi, heard he was having a tough time and that i was thinking about him, also that i'd been 'quiet' for a while for a reason and at some point would like the opportunity to chat to him about that...

so he called and we chatted (again mainly about him) and when i eluded to how i was feeling (namely abandoned by him) he responded with 'well you're strong' or something like that and i wonder if in his head that makes it ok to do what he did???

i'm confused, and hurt and not really sure i am actually as strong as he thinks...

single...

it's an interesting word...macquarie dictionary says it means: one only, separate, individual...yep, well that's how i feel today, and not just today really but the feeling is acute this evening...

actually i've had a great (albeit busy and somewhat draining) day and i finished it off with my fortnightly acunpuncture session, in which i pleaded with my acupuncturist to give me one of her good head/neck/shoulder massages...

see i'm really busy at work, haven't been sleeping that well the last few days and am kinda drowning with everything i have going on right now (that's gonna change pretty soon as i'm recruiting to fill the two vacancies i have in my team right now and one of my four assignments will be done next week) - and i remember a few weeks ago she gave me a massage when i had a headache and it was good - so i asked for another one today...

and it was good too, but something occurred to me as i was enjoying this massage today (and nothing inappropriate or sexual!). what occurred to me was how much i miss a lot of things about being in a couple and things i guess i've been reluctant to admit - and don't get me wrong, there absolutely are positives about being single, but i guess, if i'm honest, things like the 'separateness' and 'only one' instead of 'two' are kinda wearing thin...

and it's kinda funny that it's coming up now! for those of you who check the blog regularly you may have (over the last few weeks) noticed an emerging theme: acutely single, vaguely bitchy and now this and i guess i'm not sure if it's simply a continuation of what started then (after a good friends 40th) or whether it's a more immediate reaction (and perhaps my defenses taking over) as i have recently (and i mean very recently) met someone - someone i like and someone i would like to 'explore the possibilities with'...

and there is a small part of me that is cringing, actually that's crap, a BIG part of me, as i write this as i would usually not allow myself to be so vulnerable (at least not with an audience)...usually the internal critic/sensor would have prevented these sort of heartfelt outbursts from being committed to paper (in this case some database in an invisible ether but you get the drift)...they would usually have been told to 'fuck off' almost immediately they entered my head...

but i'm actually beginning to think that being vulnerable and doing things a little differently might actually help! that maybe acknowledging what is going on and sitting with it, rather than running into a cave (metaphorically speaking), might actually be a worthwhile exercise and one where i can think about why the old defenses might be surfacing now...are they still serving me well? actually i'm not so sure they are...

soooo maybe just maybe i should go with the flow with this 'someone', try not to analyse everything about it/him (he's actually way more into the analysis than i am, and for those of you who don't believe me, it's true, he is!) and just sit with all the stuff that seems to be floating to be top of mind right now...

it's uncomfortable, and i don't really like how it feels, but then again, same can be said for being single...

i was feeling pretty good about

my 'quest to lose weight' until about 7.50am this morning...

in the last few days i have started to notice that my 'healthier eating' plan (which is not yet coupled with exercise....even though it should be) is working - my clothes are starting to feel a wee bit more comfortable :-)

and then, as if i needed to be reminded that i was not yet there, i decide to put on one of my favourite pairs of pants - navy blue, fine red pinstripe, zip at the back, very flattering and very comfortable and i guess i'm kinda surprised when i can a) get them on b) do them up and c) view myself from the back and think they (actually not they, but my arse) looks ok...

that is until about 5 minutes later when i perch on the end of my bed to eat my brekky and i hear a ripping sound...sure enough when i stand up, the zipper has split open...not just split open split open, but break (you know, in need of a new zipper) split open!!!

oops!

i'm overloaded.....

and it doesn't feel great...and even though i have recognised and acknowledged it, it still doesn't feel great...

and i'm hoping that by this time next week (when the first of my four assignments is finished) i might experience some relief from the constant and concurrent streams of consciousness that keep interrupting the quiet time my mind so desperately needs...

i'm looking at a photo of my

grandfather and i that was taken in september 2007 when i was in the UK visiting him and my grandmother...

so as i sit here and look at the photo of my granda and me (which was taken in a pub - him having a guinness and me a vodka) i feel both happy and sad - it makes me smile and cry all at the same time...and now you think i'm a bit crazy, but as you get older you realise that it's possible to have opposite emotions simultaneously (remember when you were a kid and some adult cried with joy!)...and i'm sad because i'm not sure i'm going to see him again, and like i have the last 2 times i've visited, i wonder when i say goodbye to him (and he hugs me harder each time), whether or not it will be the last time...

see, he's 96, lives in yorkshire and has had a few mini strokes in the last few months (actually they are called TIA's but I'm not a fan of medical jargon that nobody understands) and i guess the stark cold reality is becoming more and more inevitable...he's just not going to be around forever, despite me wishing it were so (and this is selfish i realise and of course i don't want him to suffer the indignity that death sometimes is)...and as much as i try to mentally prepare for this and console myself that he's had a good innings (most things in our family are put in sporting terms, and as he's a huge fan of cricket, so this particular analogy seems fitting) i just know that when i eventually get the phonecall i'm going to be devastated...and a part of me knows that i will probably never meet anyone like him or find a mentor like the mentor he's been to me...

so granda, this is my thank you to you:

thank you for being my inspiration, my encouragement and my teacher. for teaching me how to count (without a calculator), for helping to shape the person i am today, for teaching me how to think for myself, for your storytelling, for our chats, for sharing your memories with me, even though i've heard some of them so many times i could probably tell them myself, for the day trips when i was a child, for always making a special trip to get me ginger cake before i came to stay, for the times when we just sat for hours watching cricket on the teletext, for teaching me how to play dominoes, for always being excited when i call to talk to you and for your unwaivering love...

i love you...

i'm right, i kinda always knew that but

today i have proof...

so i live in sydney's north shore! have pretty much done ever since i moved to sydney in 1991 - and i love it! and for any of you from sydney you will know of the fierce rivalry that exists between the various 'locations' all claiming that they live in gods country!

now i'm not a beach person - well, if i am, i'm an atypical beach person - i don't go there to tan! or lie around for hours on end in a bikini (shit if i looked good in a bikini then i might consider it...but those days, sadly, seem long gone!) - i go because i like the scenery, i love the water and i can sit there for hours on end just gazing at the ocean which calms me, or i can watch the people go by and just reflect on what's going on in my life...

or sometimes, i get lucky enough to go there with someone else, and just hang out with them...i forgot that when you are 'with' someone else, everything else can kind of fade into the background - like if i was there by myself (and don't get me wrong, i'm quite happy to go to the beach on my own and watch the world go by) i would have seen a general manager from work and said hi to her before she saw me and called out my name....

so this afternoon was like that, i was totally and utterly absorbed in being with him (and this isn't someone i've known for long and it wasn't anything other than a lovely afternoon at the beach) but it was nice and i guess i'd kinda forgotten how nice it is to have someone to hang out with...

anyway, back to why i'm right! so this person i was with today lives south of the city and usually frequents coogee beach...today was his first time at manly and he expressed his surprise at how lovely it was - then (and i'm loving this bit) he said 'this is way nicer than coogee'...

so you see, it's true. north beats east any day...i WAS right!

coming up empty....

today! finding it hard to think of something worth saying...perhaps that's because i have spent most of the day researching addiction

i'm doing an assignment on whether or not addiction is physiological or psychological - which sounds easy right...but then again, reading about the various drug addictions and interventions (medical/psychological speak) has left me feeling flat...really really flat

i guess it's made me realise (which is a good thing) that i'm pretty fortunate, and don't get me wrong, i've had times in my life when i'm sure i've had something like an addiction (be it to alcohol, shopping, food etc) but i guess when i read the DSM IV definition i actually don't really fit the bill..

again, this is not a bad thing! but as i've been doing my research today, there does seem to be plenty of evidence that addictions can form if you a) have a genetic predisposition to it or b) don't progress well through the various development stages of childhood, and in particular, they talk about the impact that 'attachment' can have on addiction forming behaviour...now there are other reasons that people form addictions (psychosocial, behavioural, physical) and i'm not really talking about behavioural addictions, but rather drug/alcohol, but i guess it leaves me feeling sad that some people, through possibly no fault of their own, may end up with some sort of addiction...

and then of course there is the flipside to that argument and one where i actually do believe that we are all (to greater or lesser extent) in control of our destiny - so now the question is, given two people with similar genetic pre-disposition (perhaps they can, for the sake of argument, be sisters) and with similar attachment anxiety (ie the same experience as children re the relationship with their parents), how is it that one is an alcoholic and the other is not?

makes me wonder what else is at work here? what other factors influence the choices we make?

interesting question for someone who had nothing to stay at the start, don't you think???

silencing the internal critic, the censor...

the voice in your head that somehow never seems to completely go away...how do i do that? and i don't mean in general life, in particular here i am referring to writing - see one of the biggest hurdles in writing (even fiction, as it's been said that everything we write has something of ourselves in it) is being able to listen to the censor, the critic, and then ignore what they are saying and continue writing...

this is no easy task - i have been on many writing workshops/courses and it's one of those topics that get's much discussion, as a lot of writers (well aspiring or wannabe writers) seem to grapple with how to do this - sadly i am no exception...

i guess when i reflect on what it might mean for me (as i'm sure that it's different for everyone - meaning that each of us has our own inner critics, our own censor who has developed out of our own life experiences, which of course are different) it sadly, i think, comes down to fear...

fear: a painful feeling of impending danger - well, shit, no wonder nobody likes feeling it!

there aren't that many people i've met who like describing themselves as being afraid - and i'm not talking about being afraid of spiders, of heights, of wide open spaces, i'm talking more about the fear of feeling a certain way - you know, feeling judged, unheard, misunderstood etc...

these sorts of fears are, to me at least, much more difficult to confront and admit to and the trainee counsellor in me understands that it seems to be ok to admit to fear of physical danger because the 'danger' can actually be seen, but fear of feeling a certain way is kind of intangible right?

and i don't mean intangible as in it's not real (as for the person experiencing it, it is VERY real), but nobody else can actually see it so it seems to be attributed some lesser meaning by others, and consequently we might find ourselves questioning not only our feelings but their validity - and now it's starting to look not only scary but sad...

it's become really apparent to me in the last year - during that time i have formulated a firmer plan of the plot for both novels i am attempting to write and one of them has some graphic scenes (drug related, sexual etc) and i have found it incredibly difficult to put my thoughts on paper - now this is NOT writers block! i have a clear picture in my head of the scenes, of what happens, and exactly what happens and the words (although the imagery and my powers of description could be better) are there - what i can't seem to do is commit them to the computer (i would say paper, but who the hell writes anything by hand anymore??) - now why is that i hear you ask, and truth is, until now i been asking myself the same question and coming up empty...

actually the reason it's so hard (for me anyway) is that i'm fearful! yep, i've said it, it's out there and there's no taking it back now...i'm afraid not of whether (on the off chance i ever finish them and someone gets around to reading them) people like it (some won't) but i'm afraid of what people will think of me when they've read what i have written...

guess when it's all said and done, i am afraid of being judged...so tonight's post is in itself cathartic and hopefully the start of the 'silencing of the critic'...

indi is injured...

i mentioned i had a new car right? picked it up in canberra when i was home visiting my parents for xmas...

it's kind of a treat having a new car, having had my last 'new car' for nearly 9 years...actually i thought that 'max' (yep, he had a name - it's a girl thing!) would be with me until he could no longer be driven, but when i relocated to a non cbd workplace, i figured if i was going to be spending more time on the road, perhaps that was good enough reason to invest in a new car...so after not that much research i decided on a hyundai i30 - their newest car and one they've allegedly spent $2bn research on - guess i call it my $2bn car!

actually, that's not true, like max, he has a name - he's indi...you know, indi as in indiana but also indi car...cool huh!

well today he sustained a minor scratch on his rear bumper...guess he's no longer new :-(

happy birthday to kirsten...

36 today! hope you have a fabulous day my friend...

bizarre - you may remember one of my recent posts (going out on a limb...)? well if not, it was about my feelings towards someone i was kinda sorta dating (or at least thought i was) last year...

well i turn up to work today (in our city offices) and i sit down, get comfortable, get the email working etc and some 5 minutes later, guess who sits down no more than 5 feet away from me? who would have thought it really was such a small world? in an organisation of some 23,000 people he has to be sitting near where i happen to be sitting for just an hour...

soooo i see him, he sorta sees me and we do the 'hi'...wasn't as uncomfortable as i thought it might be - and why would it be uncomfortable i hear you asking - well he was the subject of the post the other week and he has (on occasion) read the blog, so i guess there's a chance he could have read it and he would know that it was about him - i have been known to describe him as 'dim' (actually his word for himself that i chose to adopt as i thought it was accurate, at times) but i don't think he's that dim!

soooooo then nothing for a little while and then he pops over to chat to me...he seems a little tentative and i'm wondering if that's because he actually has read the blog or that's just him (and honestly, I can't tell!)...he asks me how i am, i say i'm great, he says you're smiling, i respond with i'm happy...you know small chat stuff - not the sort of conversation that's gonna stick with me...

then he goes on about work and as he's doing that and i'm kinda listening, i'm beginning to wonder what it was about him that i liked????? and don't get me wrong coz i DID like him, a lot...

i know, i know, i already posted today but...

obsessive is kind of a theme right now...

funny how really quickly you can become 'addicted' to something/someone, and then just as quickly you aren't...

yep, it's cryptic, and it's gonna stay that way...

what is it about going on a

diet that makes me OBSESS about food and start having some very interesting conversations - in my head!!!!!

you know what i'm talking about right: like when you've just finished one meal and you are already half way through the plan for the next intake of food...like telling yourself that whatever bad thing you are considering putting into your body is actually not considered 'low carb' but you haven't had much carb today so it should be ok, that it's a slippery slope and just one bite of chocolate will undo all the good work that's gone before and finding every excuse under the sun (which includes making deals with yourself) that you will start exercising tomorrow....

aaarrrggghhh - why can't i just wake up tomorrow and be 6kgs lighter? seriously, why can't i???

can you tell i'm over the diet already? and today is day one....

vaguely bitchy...

guess it's hard to write this as i'm not sure i am feeling 'safe' enough to say exactly what i want to, so if it's vague there's a reason for that...and you'd think that since this is my online journal i would feel safe, but i am bit apprehensive all the same...and not because i don't trust the people who read this, but because i'm not sure why this has upset me so much and i guess i don't want to be judged...

soooo ages ago i employed someone in my team, i stupidly allowed a friendship to develop (my mother told me it would end in tears, and she was right!) and we occasionally did stuff outside of work - she was more dependant on me than me on her but i enjoyed her company - for a period of time she was a friend (and i haven't been very good at acknowledging that previously), that is until she betrayed me and made work a very uncomfortable situation for me - i have NEVER forgiven her for that and i guess after that i started to see a whole lot of things about her that in fact, i didn't like - but until one or both of us changed the work situation, i had to put up with her in my life :-(

not ideal i hear you say - and you're right - it was crap - i felt vulnerable, and very unsafe at work - i guess you could say that as a result of how she behaved towards me and what she did, i kinda lost some of my ability to trust.....and whilst i can look back now and think that maybe just maybe it might have been a good lesson to learn, it wasn't the sort of lesson i wanna learn too often...

soooo she also writes a blog (has done for a long time and in fact she's probably the reason i got to thinking about doing one way back when, so i guess, thank you for that) and when we were friends she told me about it so from time to time i check in - and even this i am struggling to understand - this is someone who betrayed and hurt me and made my professional life hell for a period too long to mention, but there is a part of me that wants to know what's going on in her life...or is it more like a morbid fascination and one where i rejoice when i read something in there that gives me the impression that things aren't going that well for her?

well, truth is, i can't work it out! and whilst i will admit (and i'm cringing as i write this) that when she appears to be having a hard time i feel good about it (in a vindictive superbitch sort of a way) there is another part of me that is still hurting and whilst i don't miss what our friendship became, there were times when it was good - you know same stage of life, similar interests, same frustrations kinda friendship?

anyway, so i read her blog lastnight and she eludes to taking someone home later this year - i can only assume that is a man/boyfriend??? and i'm envious and had a crap night after reading it - thoughts along the lines of 'how come she can get a boyfriend and i can't?', 'she's too fucked up to be in a relationship', 'she was single only six weeks ago, how could something so serious have come about in such a short space of time?' kept creeping, uninvited i might add, into my head and i woke up this morning feeling as though a full blown political debate had taken place in my head as i slept :-(

so no wonder i am trying to make sense of it all - so many different things are going on around this that it's not possible for me to understand it all right now - i can't really work it out but what i do know is this: on many levels what is going on right now is really uncomfortable...