the kindness of strangers is a gift....

so, in the last few months, my business hit a bit of a rough patch, which was new and unfamiliar territory, and not in a good way!

in eight years of running my little business, it's been busy and at times, i've had to turn work away, but for some reason, from about June through until October this year, it was really slow.  i'm thankful to say things have picked up and i am now feeling cautiously optimistic but still, it's made me rethink a whole bunch of my spending patterns...

although, this has had some surprising outcomes

aside from the joy in finding a bargain (i've always been like that), the key change has been that i made a decision to stop buying books and instead, join my local library

well, what an absolute treat that has been

from the first time i tentatively set foot in the Kingston Branch, the staff were welcoming, helpful and friendly.  one staff member in particular, Cass, has been the most generous and kind person and i often make a point of ducking in there just to say hi to her, even if i have no need to go in...

today, i went in to pick up a book i've had reserved for nearly a month, so that was exciting enough as it was finally my turn, and it's arrived before christmas, so no need to wait until January, yay!

an hour or so before going in today, i had a really disappointing conversation with my Mum...it's not the first, it won't be the last, but it really upset me, and whilst I always apologise if i've overstepped, she never does, and the only reason i went to visit her today was to say goodbye before she goes away for a few days tomorrow

utterly disappointing...

anyway, when i got to my local library, there was Cass with her friendly 'hi darlin' which instantly made me feel glad i'd dropped in

we talked, she told me a bit more about her superannuation challenges, she asked if i was ok, i told her about the discussion and she came around from behind the counter and gave me a hug...

truly, it was just what i needed...

then, she was showing me some stuff on her phone about a post about superannuation and when she went unlock her phone, i saw a photo of a gorgeous young girl as her screen saver - she told me it was her granddaughter - i told her how much she looked like Cass and she said 'she died a year ago'

we talked a bit about that, and then we got back to talking about her super, as this is a conversation we've been having over a couple of my recent visits

she shared her most recent statement with me and asked me to explain it (thankfully, I was able to do that), and we talked about how she might access government support once she retires (she's over 60 but not yet 67 so not yet eligible for the age pension)

what struck me today is how much she has gone through (she shared a fair bit more of her story with me today), how matter of fact she is about her challenges and how kind she is...

a few weeks ago i'd never laid eyes on her, in reality, we've spoken maybe 5-10 times, but her kindness towards me today touched me deeply, and my visit to the library was so much more than a visit to the library.....

when she finally retires, i will miss her welcoming happy face more than i can say...she IS the Kingston Library to me (although frankly, each and every one of the other staff members i have met, are also lovely and helpful)....

her kindness makes me want to be a better person....

 it was really slow.....

and, if i'm being honest, it freaked me out a bit....

do you ever really know someone?

i'm not sure you do....

it's fair to say that in the friendship stakes, I have not had the best few months....don't get me wrong my really important and closest friendships are solid and they will continue to be, hopefully indefinitely, but there were a few other friendships that were forming which are now, well, one of them is no more and the other is, hanging on by a thread..... 

so in the first instance, because we became friends through a mutual third party, who I didn't think was a close friend of hers (and was not a friend of mine, but rather the partner, well ex-partner now, of a school friend of mine) when I was accused by the third party of having an affair with my school friend, the new friend decided to choose the other friend over me....sigh and sure I can understand that to an extent, but I'm hurt and after a year of working to get to know this person and for the most part, really enjoyed our blossoming friendship, she chose comfort over a friendship with me... 

the other one, is the school friend, who since he left his partner, we've been spending more time together (platonic for me) and then I shared something really personal with him and his behaviour has changed since then...sooo disappointed.. and now he decided to mention he was attracted to me, i made it clear i wasn't interested in anything other than friendship and since then he's been a dick frankly....and overstepped any number of boundaries.... sigh! 

disappointed.....

dragging my feet....

today

wow, even on my walk, which i usually enjoy, i was dragging my feet today and i've been trying to work out if there is anything contributing to this overall feeling of 'mondayitis' (even though it's a public holiday) and general feeling of meh :-(

inevitably some of it will be related to a cumulative lack of good sleep following shoulder surgery on 22 July....improving but not better!

probably some of it will be due to the high levels of certain grass/tree pollens today - I'm stupidly allergic to most of these and even though spring is one of my favourite times of the year, it is bloody challenging to get through (despite the twice daily nasal steroids, daily antihistamine, and monthly immunotherapy which has been going on for 3+ years)

i think it might also be due to my relationship with my parents and our, at times, stupid little squabbles, which leave me feeling quite flat...

don't really want to get into this here, but it's interesting to observe....

hoping i have more of a spring in my step tomorrow!

lexie is back.....

so it's been years since i have had the inclination to finish lexie 

my novel - the novel i've written 81,000+ words of - the novel that has laid dormant for the best part of 10 years - how did that happen?

i guess primarily, life happened! 

so i'm going to try and summarise the high and low points, because, in reality the low points are what's really gotten in the way....

so lexie (that's note the title, that's my protagonist) is about a 30 something trying to find her way, and i guess truth is, when i was writing her, I hadn't found my way....and i'm way clearer now....

sure, some of the things that will be resolved for lexie are unresolved for me, but mostly, i'm in a much better place and that will, i think, allow me to create an ending for her that i'll be happy with....

so after a lovely chat with Michelle (one of my dear friends, and the sister of one of my high school best friends, whom i no longer talk to and haven't for many years) where my book came up (not sure how actually), i realised that i finally had the itch! and no, i'm not talking about some unwanted STD, I'm talking about the writing itch...

so much so that I decided to apply to the Australian Writers Centre (Write your Novel) for the 2nd time in 7 years, and this time, i'm determined! and i got accepted!

so the lows in the time since i started writing (some of which have been well documented in the blog, although i have not been a frequent blogger of late - something else i'd like to remedy) largely relate to more failed relationships with emotionally unavailable men, and not one, but two horrendous professional endings (one not of my own choosing, the other well orchestrated (if I do say so myself) so that financially it didn't leave me in a hole....but all of this led me to move home to Canberra - a place I never thought i would return to, but it has been a fabulous move for me.....closer to my mum and dad and after five and a half years here, i have really built a life for myself

and now, more than 5 years on since leaving the latter crap workplace, i find myself doing work I absolutely love and about to celebrate 5 years in my own little business....

running a business isn't without it's issues/concerns but comparatively it is absolutely a million times better than putting up with other people's crap behaviour....

i remember doing a Group Therapy module when I was studying to be a Counsellor and we had to create a notional group, along with a brochure etc. it's funny when i look back that i am now, essentially doing that sort of work...

longer term my biz will morph once more - i envisage (maybe) a wonderful space where clients come to me - at the moment I'm very fortunate to have the use of offices in town for no cost (blessed)....but i'd like to create something more welcoming, more reflective of me and the work that i do....one day!

i wrote the following notes the other day about the things i needed to attend to in lexie's journey:

 - self acceptance

 - belief in self

 - broadened definition of love

 - trust

and you know the funny thing? the reason I was blocked previously was because I couldn't write about these things from a place of personal experience....i can't say that I'm 100% but I am WAY closer than I was then....

so lexie's happy ending awaits, and perhaps mine too!

ps I love London!

OMG - I can now see why so many of my friends couldn't fathom why I didn't like London...

truth is, other than a family visit there as a child, my lasting memories of London are with an ex who I suspect cheated on me and spending six long weeks there with him in a terrible place in the middle of winter...

it was cold and grey and frankly, miserable; weather probably reflected both my mood and the state of our relationship...

so in the year of my 50th birthday, I was determined to see the capital city of my country of birth through a different lens...

mission accomplished!

what an incredible city - stunning architecture, history galore and of course, my cultural heritage...as a mate said to me yesterday it has a sense of familiarity (and of course that's because most of our Australian customs, are in fact English!)

it helped that the weather was fabulous - actual summer!

it helped that I was on Sarah time and had very few obligations so that I could wander and explore as I like to, namely enjoying just aimlessly wandering and stumbling across whatever might be on offer...

it helped that I got to stay at the RAF Club which had just undergone a full renovation, and that the Club itself is in Mayfair!

it helped that we won at Edgbaston whilst I was there - nothing better than a win against the old enemy!

there are too many highlights to mention but I will just list a few (mainly for my own memory, which in years to come, may not be quite as sharp):

 - St Pauls Cathedral

 - Kew Gardens and the Chihuly Glass

 - The Moon Museum at the Natural History Museum

 - Tate Modern

 - Hyde Park

 - Bomber Command Memorial

 - Australian War Memorial in Green Park

 - Green Park

 - The Mall

 - Bond St

it's nice to have discovered another city that I can go back to and explore....and there is so much that I didn't get to do! even though I had 7 days, I think one could spend 7 years there and still not do everything....

thanks London for a fabulous trip - I'll be back!

tomorrow begins my quest to love London...

and I leave feeling happy, content and with my heart full :-)

i lead a blessed life (now); it hasn't always been that way

I do work that i love; in fact, i do work that I know i am on the planet to do...

i work as a coach and a facilitator and basically i help my clients find a way to lead happy, authentic and fulfilling lives...does it get better than that? and I get paid to do it

so in January, I turned 50! and for my 50* (50 not out) I had a wonderful party which was attended by most of my beloved family and friends...it was a wonderful celebration as the start of a year that i intend to enjoy...

getting to 50 is not something that everyone has the luxury of enjoying; so many of our fellow humans don't make it to 50, and that is pretty sad...from my point of view, there is so much more for me to learn and experience - i feel as though i've only just begun! so i intend to make the most of it...

i grew up in the North of England, and consequently, i have something of a love hate relationship with London, but i made a decision earlier this year that I would learn to love London, so that quest begins tomorrow as I fly from here to London...

4 weeks of Sarah time including 7 days in London, some time with family in Stratford, more time with Dad's best friend in Yorkshore, a boarding school reunion, and various catch ups in London, finishing with 3 days in Singapore with my dear cousin - i think it's going to be a fabulous holiday!

feeling very proud that I got back up after a few big knocks and started my own business again; best decision i ever made and it's continuing to grow...yay!

feeling very very grateful 🙏

up and down, but mainly down....

the last few weeks have been tough

there's been a few things that have rocked me

first, the FB marketplace woman who accused me of being racist because she thought I was rude...funny, coz she hung up on me and when she finally got to my house to pick up the items she was buying, when I said 'hello' she merely grunted at me 'can i see the things?'....

but it got to me, and i'm not sure why

then the very rude waitress at a cafe a mate and I went to for lunch...we ended up leaving because she was so rude to us, so I went back to talk to the manager - which turned out to be her - and she was threatening and yelled at me

so i guess that was a bad week and one where i thought that i just couldn't get it right; and sure, you can't please all of the people all of the time, but man! i wonder what the universe was trying to show me?

added to that i'm still plagued by thoughts of death - not my own necessarily, but losing my Mum...and she's not unwell or in bad health, but i guess as i get older, so do they, and the reality that they aren't always going to be here is just a bit too much to get my head around some days...:-(

and then, amongst all of this, i've been feeling a bit flat; maybe an existential crisis, maybe i'm lonely, maybe it's because i'm single?

who knows....

anyway, it's been more down than up and i'm hoping that turns around soon...

ciao